Comments
Replied By: rjpierson11 on Apr 27, 2017, 12:10PM
You see quotes on Facebook all the time about "don't look back, you're not going that way", or how you should learn to forgive yourself so you can move forward. But how can I ever begin to stop looking back and forgive myself if im continously being punished for my past? I will never be able to move forward, my life is basically me existing because I can't be there to answer to the two people that deserve to confront me and hear from me. I am being punished indefinitely because others think this way is what is best. Its not. I do not want to justify my mistakes, I just think my son and daughter deserve to confront me and decide whether or not they want to let me be in their life. I am portrayed as a monster being punished indefinitely judged by their dad and his wife who has been a constant obstacle from day one coming into the picture. I stayed in contact the entire time I was away, but then, my worst nightmare came reality. No more interaction with their dad, no more of him thinking speaking for himself. A two month relationship he had started turning into going through this young immature lady to speak to my kids on the phone. Those phone calls were my Hope, my reason to keep fighting, and I couldn't make sense of it, I thought we were gonna get back together. Didn't know about her, but learned of her through my daughter during one of our nightly phone calls. How do I get the chance to answer to my kids? I am prepared to take full responsibility for all of it. Im just " the egg donor" im the monster, I will take all responsibility. You'll never hear me bash their dad, who has always been a constant amazing father. I'll never tell our kids their dad made some pretty terrible choices just as I did. That he was unfaithful, and I caught him. That he wasn't perfect. But it'd not for me to bash him, and make excuses. All I can do is tell them I was sick and wasn't in the place to be what they deserved, but I never stopped loving them, that I need them to know it never was because I didn't want to be their mommy. How sorry won't cut it but I am and want to do whatever it takes to prove to them that I have found my way back from the dark path, that I will fight every day, forever to earn their trust. I will never let go of my past, or forgive my mistakes and my past will continue to haunt me every day I will live in this guilt of all the pain I caused because others won't stop beating me down with this "life sentence". Everyday I am telling myself that I don't deserve forgiveness, that I shouldn't try to reach out anymore, maybe I should let them be, if I had contact would I just make it worse? Are they better off without answers or me trying to make things better? I really want some input please
 
Replied By: rjpierson11 on Apr 27, 2017, 12:11PM
You see quotes on Facebook all the time about "don't look back, you're not going that way", or how you should learn to forgive yourself so you can move forward. But how can I ever begin to stop looking back and forgive myself if im continously being punished for my past? I will never be able to move forward, my life is basically me existing because I can't be there to answer to the two people that deserve to confront me and hear from me. I am being punished indefinitely because others think this way is what is best. Its not. I do not want to justify my mistakes, I just think my son and daughter deserve to confront me and decide whether or not they want to let me be in their life. I am portrayed as a monster being punished indefinitely judged by their dad and his wife who has been a constant obstacle from day one coming into the picture. I stayed in contact the entire time I was away, but then, my worst nightmare came reality. No more interaction with their dad, no more of him thinking speaking for himself. A two month relationship he had started turning into going through this young immature lady to speak to my kids on the phone. Those phone calls were my Hope, my reason to keep fighting, and I couldn't make sense of it, I thought we were gonna get back together. Didn't know about her, but learned of her through my daughter during one of our nightly phone calls. How do I get the chance to answer to my kids? I am prepared to take full responsibility for all of it. Im just " the egg donor" im the monster, I will take all responsibility. You'll never hear me bash their dad, who has always been a constant amazing father. I'll never tell our kids their dad made some pretty terrible choices just as I did. That he was unfaithful, and I caught him. That he wasn't perfect. But it'd not for me to bash him, and make excuses. All I can do is tell them I was sick and wasn't in the place to be what they deserved, but I never stopped loving them, that I need them to know it never was because I didn't want to be their mommy. How sorry won't cut it but I am and want to do whatever it takes to prove to them that I have found my way back from the dark path, that I will fight every day, forever to earn their trust. I will never let go of my past, or forgive my mistakes and my past will continue to haunt me every day I will live in this guilt of all the pain I caused because others won't stop beating me down with this "life sentence". Everyday I am telling myself that I don't deserve forgiveness, that I shouldn't try to reach out anymore, maybe I should let them be, if I had contact would I just make it worse? Are they better off without answers or me trying to make things better? I really want some input please
 
Replied By: rjpierson11 on May 3, 2017, 8:32AM - In reply to upsydasy
I became addicted on drugs after I found their dad with another woman in our home one morning its not an excuse for the path I chose but its where I ended up and started all this heartache. I can't tell them that's why I ended up sick and unable to take care of them. So how do I explain the reason for choosing that dark path?
 
Replied By: rjpierson11 on May 3, 2017, 8:39AM - In reply to upsydasy
I have wanted to send them letters but I just know that they wouldn't get them, I feel they are having their minds made up for them, and unable to decide anything. I don't know how to explain myself and not say anything about their dad, because I would not ever say anything bad about him to my kids ever, just couldn't do that it isn't right
 
Replied By: rjpierson11 on May 3, 2017, 8:41AM - In reply to chara7
No I'm not Sara
 
Replied By: rjpierson11 on May 3, 2017, 8:46AM - In reply to chara7
No I'm not Sara and I have tried dir so long and finally got the courage to reach out to their dad through Facebook and I got reaction I thought, he blocked me didn't reply only his brother and it was to attack and judge. Why can't their dad think for himself. Why can't he see I am trying to make sure our kids know none of this is ever their fault its me I take full responsibility for it all
 
Replied By: rjpierson11 on May 3, 2017, 9:11AM - In reply to jackie704
You are welcome to ask anything, I'll be truthful and as detailed as I can to gain as much feedback as possible. My kids most likely on how to think I never tried and just didn't care I wouldn't have lost contact if their dad would stay able to think for himself. His wife just came in took over when I thought I may be getting my family back together, I had a lot of hurtful surprises from the point she entered the picture. His family only knows as my children what ever he has told everyone. I'm venting here because I know I'll never be the one to bash their das. In fact most mothers would be careless and take children along for their distractive rollercoaster ride, I thought I made a unselfish choice to leave them with their dad and go I get better. I left alone and fear of everything I knew I had to get right but now I question did I make the right choice leaving moving to another state to find help and leaving them with their dad. Because all everyone us seeing is I lefy, I abandoned then, but that was so not the case
 
Replied By: rjpierson11 on May 3, 2017, 11:35AM - In reply to jackie704
Been a long time since turning my life around but I am stil haunted by the past I can't be happy or move forward the way I would like to but I feel guilty for trying tobbr happy or any thing. I want to find and reach out to my babies
 
Replied By: rjpierson11 on May 4, 2017, 7:57AM
I need help in how to start writing letter to my kids reaching out to apologize for being gone and making poor choices, not sure yow to start it but not overwhelm this first step
 
Replied By: rjpierson11 on May 4, 2017, 8:03AM
Could Dr Phil help me reach out to my kids, help my ex husband and his wife see from another point of view that I'm trying to stand but for my mistakes admit Responsibility, hut I need guidance from Dr Phil I think because I'm just a egg donor who left and that's all that is being portrayed, in don't want to disrupt anyone's lives I owe my kids answers
 
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