Well I left my house, guess yesterday morning. It was a perfectly horrible day for me but I really had to go. I realized and I don't know if I said this before , but even living there for 15 years , it was not a home to me. And it was also the longest time I had ever lived in one place. It is so hard to leave my sons behind even though they are grown. I think because I feel so lost without a home to go back to it magnifies my fears. Last night I hardly slept even though I was so tired, emotionally and physically. Terrible nighmares and they always take place at my childhood home where my abuse started. I do have a lot to think about on my drive since I have no one to talk to.

I am in Missouri now , almost in Oklahoma. I'm hoping I can get to New Mexico tomorrow. 

 
I'm leaving in the morning, this is so much harder to leave than I thought. I'm so scared but I can do this. I don't have my car packed yet! Don't exactly know what I'm waiting for. I think I'm going to take a nap and deal with this later.
 
How do you respond to a friends comments? I have tried everything but it isn't working! My mind is not putting this togehter too well
 
Well not too much has gone right the last day, never knew it took so much to get utilities etc turned off. It's the little things that get you. People I thought were going to but my stove etc . backed out so I guess I'll have to leave them. I tried to donate to a few places but they don't have pick-ups until the middle of the month. Yesterday and today I prettty much stayed in bed, sad to say. But things are getting done.

Still have to deal with IRS problems, I mean come on, how come I owe when my pension is only $16,000 a year. I did get on a payment plan but I just don't understand this.

My plan to leave this weekend is postponed for a couple days, I have to be here for the utilities to be turned off.  I'm leaving Ohio for Arizona so I hope the weather is good.

At least I'll see my sons that are here. My oldest lives overseas so I don't get to see him alot to say the least. More on that later, maybe once I get to Arizona.
 
Right now I am so tired, I'm not sure what I am doing! I'm sleeping a few hours a night and that s even with a pill. Did get all of my clothes out of my closet though and some dishes packed for storage. How did I ever think this would be a good idea.II know once I get in the sun and heat I'll do better. 

The unknown is a scary place as we all know. But  I'd like a break. I thought I would be on the road already but it is what it is. Just so I don't run into snow on the way, I'll be okay. The longer I'm here though, the more money I spend and I really have to be careful with that. 

What was very interesting is that I had posted some things on our county wide garage sale Facebok page, and a woman that I knew from when I was an early teen responded for a sale item. Small world it is.
 
I think by the end of this week , I will be ready to leave. My sons helped this weekend and that made things go faster. I ended up getting a kidney infection , going to doctor and am now on antibiotics. Just made me tired and very slow. Just what I needed now!

I did get the washer and dryer sold, the gentleman was very nice so I worried for nothing but you never know. Most of the money I got for that went for the meds I take so I guess it worked out.I think I'm getting numb now, just at that point of being so tired of all this. I don't even see having the energy right now to drive cross country which I was really looking forward too.

I don't know if I wrote this before but I'm thinking of how abuse affects all parts of my life , throughout my life. Decisions that I made because I didn't know how to make another one. The inability to ever say no, never, ever standing up for myself no matter what was being done to me. So many different ways in which the abuse killed my soul. I  even felt my oldest son hated me and was totally shocked to my core when it turned out he didn't . I will always remember that minute of sitting with him in total shock that he actually loved me. Who hates themselves so much that that should be such a suprise.

Thank you for the support

 
Thank you all for the support. I feel like I have made such a mess of everything. I have really hidden in my house for years. I worked at the library and pretended everything was normal but when I got home I pretty much hid away. If someone knocked on my door I hid somewhere where no one could see me. The years of pysical and mental abuse really did an awful job on me.It affected my sons too but at least they could move out and have a social life which has made me happy.

Now that I put things for sale online, I am so scared that people are coming into my house. I was gang-raped years ago and of course that fear will never go away, so now I have strangers coming in and I am trying to be be brave about this. I have some man coming over for my washer and dryer tonight and I am trying to convince myself I will be fine. Is it weird to think of having pepper sray at my side, my phone, and I'll leave all the doors open of course. But then I think of how I can drive 3000 miles and not think about it although I am always on guard.
 
Getting closer to leaving and I have all these thoughts racing through my mind. What if my car breaks down, have I forgotten anything, all the usual things that go through one's mind but magnified a thousand times.

I did get more things packed but now I'm second guessing, do I even need this? I have my essentials (pictures of my kids) packed but how do I leave some things behind? I really never thought I would have to do this. I'm shaking knowing the time I get in my car and leave my home is getting closer.I love to drive and usually look forward to it but I think because I don't have a house to come back to is really scary. I really have to find a job somewhere when I get there.

I did get the summons for the forclosure, I could stay here longer but my house has so many major things wrong with it, staying isn't the answer ,I know. When I can't use most of the outlets because everytime I plug something in they spark, lighbulbs don't even last a day in most of the lamps, I know I've got to go. And I had the electric redone when I bought the house!

Got up at 3 this morning so my anxiety is through the roof. Did get some things done though! I have so many " to do " lists it is funny. I misplace them all and start another. It is sort of funny when I come across one, my house is just chaos sort of like my mind!
 
I don't think I'm any further along than I was. I was able to get a few sale items posted on the community online garage sale. Never did that before. Now I have to worry about who comes over to look at things! I have nothing together that I have to take with me but it is all done in my mind! So nervous today like I drank ten cups of coffee. I'm still planning on leaving next week...

I got up at 4 this morning, can't sleep but I also don't have energy to do anything at all. 
 
Here it is , a Saturday evening and I am frozen with nerves. I did pack a few more things but I think I will have to really get rid of a lot more stuff! I have no idea of how to condense this. I think not knowing if I'll ever be back here or where I'm going to end up is making me just sit back and not do anything. I also know this isn't the way to go, I have to keep moving forward.

I just saw on our county website that my house is listed in forclosure. To see it in writing makes me feel like such a failure, even though I know this house isn't for me. Has anyone ever felt that I wonder? It never felt like a home to me. My sons never felt that either. I have to keep that in mind. Plus I am so far underwater it is ridiculous. I have this person contracted by the bank, he comes over every week to see if I'm still here. I'n sort of afraid to leave because I have heard they can padlock the house. But I have to go to appointments .

When I retired 2 years ago, I knew it would be an adventure, just didn't factor in my very decreased income, my PTSD and depression getting worse, and the everyday problems we all face.

I'm just learning about blogging so if I make mistakes etc please bear with me. Not sure what buttons lead to what. Thanks for your support.
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