I just can't seem to get it together at all. Just feel totally lost. Still waiting to hear back from apartments that I am on the waiting list for, have been turned down for some because of my low income. The bank is close to putting me out so I'm mentally I'm still in the same place I was months ago. Just more stressed than ever. 

I have applied for library positions but because I don't know my where I'm going to live, it is a little iffy , not that anyone has called me back to make that decision. I really miss working although I don't know if I could work in the public right now because my PTSD symptoms are through the roof right now. Behind the scenes would be fine, I could work as much as someone wanted me to. My student loans could get paid back, I wouldn't have to worry about housing, but I think I'll be 68 in a month or so , I just need a freaking break. 

My doctor put me on a new med so I am hoping that will help me get out of the house and get a little energy. But I don't want to see anyone, I jump out of my skin if anyone calls or knocks on the door. It makes me laugh sometimes how scared it makes me even if someone locks their car and the thing beeps. I mean who else does that? I know I'm not the only one though, just seems like it at times.

Thank you for comments if you have any, I'll try my best to respond but I forget how sometimes.

 
It's been awhile since I posted I guess. I can't seem to get myself out of the this hole I'm in. I saw on Dr. Phil yesterday that people who were abused when they were young are a 1000 more times likely to be abused in the future. Thinking of that I really never stood a chance, I can only remember a few times in my life that I was happy without faking it. I'll be 68 in July and it is so scary to think about not ever having known peace and happiness. 

I'm still waiting for the banks to evict me, still on waiting lists for housing, I have to find a job but I'm scared to see or be around people more than ever. I just can't see anything ahead that even looks optimistic at this point. My doctors appointments keep getting cancelled or rescheduled to a later date, it's like who on earth did I piss off this bad!



 
Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me, I guess the stress of everything caught up with me. A realtor was showing the house so I figured I would go to the store, pick up a couple things and then read for awhile in the parking lot until I could come back home.

Before I went into the store I thought I would call my therapist and leave a message that I really needed to see her sooner than my 2 week appointment was scheduled. She always says to call if I needed help. So I called , I just wanted her voice mail , but the person who answered said she would take a message. As I was telling her what was going on I just broke down crying in the car in the freking parking lot. So she said she wanted me to talk with the advice nurse. And I don't ever ask for help so this was a big step for me.

So I told the nurse, who was very kind, what I was happening to me . She wanted me to be seen ass soon as possible so she was looking for a compassionate doctor that had an opening. She found one that was for later in the day and I said okay. I told her I was going there righht away, I didn't mind waiting even though it was a few hours from then. She even called me back to make sure I got there okay. I thought this is amazing , they really care. So I registered, went through the whole thing about not miding the wait, where else was I going to go right. Went upstairs, they actually called me in within 5 minutes, I'm still crying, totally losing it. And the doctor comes in and she asked why I was sent to her, she didn't reallyhave time for this, she thought I had something like a UTI that was fast. She had more patients scheduled that had physical ailments and she still was talking about why I was sent to her, why didn't they send to to my therapist or my PCP. She then asked the usual, did I have anything wrong with my ears, eyes or throat, ummm no? She said everyone has stress in their life and I needed to see my therapist. I ended up apologizing to her,over and over, can you believe that? I am so mad at myself now for even asking for help , I don't even want to see my therapist now. 

 
So here I am sitting in my nearly empty house waiting for 10:30 so I can leave before the realtor gets here to show the house. There was a showing yesterday and I am a freaking wreck . Even though it is really the banks , I don't like the idea of people being by whatever I have left . This was so not a good time to stop meds, I am so stressed I can't think, plus I can't don't even know where I'm going to go when they do take over. I think I said I'm on waiting lists but those take forever. I don't see my doctors until April and I am really scared to be so up in the air.

I got the book by Frank Lawliss that Dr. Phil talks about but I can't focus on reading it. Sort of heavy reading for the spot I'm in I guess. I'm getting up so early , usually about 4 or so it is riduculous to maiintain any energy at all. Or any kind of thinking at all at this point. 

 
I think every day about being molested by so many people throughout my childhood and being raped and abused since I was a kid. I never have any sympathy for that kid (me) until I see Dr. Phil getting mad at someone on his show that has been a molester, pedophile, rapist and he just lets them have it. I pretend he is my dad for that moment  and he is yelling at my brother, uncle, cousin, neighbor and assorted people in my adult life and just for a second I feel so sorry for that child that was me. And it hits me that what those people did to me could have put them in prison for a long time.But that feeling of support or whatever it is doesn't last long and then I am back to the reality of being so ashamed that I can't leave my house again. My abuse started in the 50's , and back then everything was secret. I cried out for help in so many ways , even starting in kindergarden but no one did a thing. Why is it that I can remember so much agony from 50-60 years ago and I can't remember the fun things I must have done with my kids.
 
Since I decided to use a short sale for my house, or rather the bank sort of decided this, I now have a For Sale sign in the front yard. Still haven't heard back from any of the apartments that I applied to, and with no money and no savings , this is a very stressful situation to say the least. 

My doctor also had to take me off of the Clonipin I had been taking because I might have glaucoma. I don't have those tests until June though. My blood pressure is also high and the med I am on for that is also warned not to take if there is a possibity of glaucoma. 

I just can't concentrate at all. And waiting for texts from realtors is making me a wreck or more of a wreck. And the house was already included in a bankruptcy so I am in such a freaking mess!

I am going through this process with my therapist called EMDR which is very intense. Has anyone done this before?  I also was going to groups for childhood and adult  trauma and I realized I was always the oldest one attending. It was like I was always the "gramma' in the group. If I can't get it together at this age what do I have left.

Best to everyone 
 
I finally am able to get a little energy here. Such a deep depression , wasn't sure how of the outcome and I'm still not.  I am still in this house. Had to go to a forclosure mediation and submit a lot of paperwork. Didn't mind the mediation, hard part was having to go to the library to print it out. The only place I have gone since I got back was to see doctors and grocery store for food I didn't want to cook anyways. Just don't want to have any social interaction at all. Funny though I do well when I am on the road to somewhere.. Very weird. It's scary sometimes thinking about what how insolated I've become from 2 years ago. Feels like I have nothing to offer to anyone at all. Vey empty feeling. The meds I have been on have put me at risk for glaucoma, so I am tapering off them. Can't get into eye tests until June so outside of my usual anxiety with the PTSD , I now have this. Then Pharmacist said the med I am taking for high blood pressure is another I have to get off of. When do I say I give up?

With the house I am trying to do a deed-in-lui of forclosure so I have to find a realtor, and then people will have to come into the house, not a good feeling at all. Not sure how I will deal with this. I guess I should look at it as an adventure. But then where do I go? I guess a senior community for low income seniors but the waiting lists are between 1 and 2 years. If I had the money, I think I would just drive and never have to  settle in one place.

 
This has been one of the biggest mistakes I have made in awhile. It might  be funny in a few years when I look back on it  but it will take awhile. I found out it is not easy living with a friend , even though we have been friends for more than 40 years. 


So after a month of being told I couldn't do anything right and that a lot of people have it worse than me so I should be able to get over my depression, I left.... Yep after I sold or gave away just about everything in my house, turning off utilities and changing mail, I came back to an empty , cold house. Who does this!!!!


So for the past week or so I have been trying to get things turned on even though the house is still in forclosure but that's okay. I am seeing my therapist and hopefully will be able to get on some meds that can help me. I actually felt a dark cloud or filter come over me when I was at her house and it scared me more than anything before. Never had that happen to me. This has been the worse I've felt  I think. 


Now I did love the drive as I always have, I feel so free and like I have no problems. I didn't even listen to music, I enjoyed the scenery and the quiet. And I think I said before, I love New Mexico, The sunsets were , well there are no words for them. I love the vastness of the west , I just wanted to walk up some of the dirt roads and ask if I could stay. 


This is the first day I have had some kind of energy so I thought I could continue my adventures of starting over. So far it isn't going that well. 


 
I am actually more confused than ever. Can't even write anything that isn't negative right now. I'm so very tense, I feel I have nowhere to go. Sure hope this passes!
 
I'm in Arizona now but I am so depressed right now. I know it is missing the familiar way of things even though I didn't like it most of the time. I just don't know what to do. Could be I'm tired of all the driving, think it took me what, 4 and a half days, something like that. I really need to find a counselor but first I have to get medical somewhere.This is a pretty rural area so I have to find my way around, I miss my sons so much . 

I love the serenity, the beautiful views , loved meeting people on the way, even getting lost on Texas roads! I always saw myself , even when I was younger, living by myself on a moutain top in New Mexico, it's pretty expensive now though. I remember in the early 70"s going to Santa Fe and Taos with my oldest son , so beautiful. I think each state has that one area that makes you know why we are here.

Thank you for leaving comments , you help me feel so not alone.
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