Well I have to be out of my house in 10 days. Should be no surprise but it comes at a time when I am doubting my existence in this life. Everyday I go over all the horrible things I've done and all the things that have been done to me. My therapist calls it looping. I call it hell. I wonder how much different my life would have been if I hadn't been abused since I was little. What would I be like? 

I look at people my age and I'm jealous I think it is. Apartments I've looked that  are for seniors are out of my price range and I wonder how seniors can afford them. My former coworker just bought a house in a senior community in cash. And it is a gated community with a pool etc. How , what happened to me that I am so far behind . I know you're not supposed to be envious but sometimes it is hard. Plus they go on vacations and have no student loans. 

I am so confused I don't know whether to be really angry , really sad or just go back to bed for the day. My therapist says I need to go to church... I got gang raped in a churchyard so making it to church is sort of stressful to say the least. I have never been so depressed and sad before but the last few months have  taken my optimism away.

Replied By: makjord702 on Jul 28, 2017, 7:29PM
Hello, I hope this message finds you well.  First, your allowed your feelings!! You are allowed to be envious and even yes jealous of others.  You should recite your life and you should not beat yourself up for having a bad day and there.  But here's the catch...you need to allow yourself small victories each day.  You need to be ok with baby steps and then grow upon your experiences.  I can only relate to rape and I am soo sorry you have experienced this, but your life is more than survival. 

Now back to Silvernest.  I recently discovered this when looking for housing,  It's AWESOME!  It is a house sharing - room mate site.  There are several listings that are older gals looking for someone to share the cost of living in their house.  I haven't found a match yet because I need more than one room but I really hope you look into this site.  

I get the overwhelming feeling of where did the years go - what do I have to show for them- I might as well let my history ruin the rest of my life...but at least I'm surviving right?

NO! I disagree with the saying "We are survivors"  This limits us WE ARE THRIVERS!
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