Well after a pretty awful weekend where I was debating whether I should commit myself to the hospital because I wasn't feeling well mentally at all, I decided not to. But I get scared when I start thinking of the pros and cons of just being alive. I just can't seem to get it together at all lately. I emailed my psychiatrist last week that I was feeling more and more depressed and sad and she hasn't emailed me back.

Then this morning I had my eye appointment and now I have glaucoma. Very expensive medicine.  It's really sort of funny in a strange way that I am told to keep my stress level down but everyday there is something else. I just hope I hear about an apartment soon , maybe having a stable place to live will help. But there is still my desire to go back out west. I think that is not doable for awhile though.

Just feel like running somewhere so I don't have to deal with life anymore. I want to be like my coworkers that are retired and have their own place to live , go on vacations and they don't have to worry about choosing between food or meds. Being a barmaid for all those years before I was able to finish school sure didn't help. I worked my butt off for 25 years behind a bar before I got my short career in the library but it was the only thing I could do at the time I guess.