I woke up this morning at 4 from a really bad dream and I am so scared right now. I woke up feeling like why am I even here, does anything I do matter at all. I hate the feeling, I've had it before but not as strong as today. Hope it passes soon.

I was gang raped by 5 , won't even call them men , years ago in a church parking lot . I had banged on the church doors and the rectory trying to get in. The lights were on but no one answered and then they were on me. It happened in July and my dream was a part of that, about how no one would help me. I always wonder what the priests or whoever went in the churchyard wondered about my some of my torn clothes and my knapsack being in their yard. Did they question what had happened there?  Part of the reason I'm scared to go to church. 

As the date draws near, I have more and more stress and fear. With everything else that is going on , not sure how I'll make it through this time. I know I will but I sure am tired of dealing with all of this .