I got a message today from the show that all of our blogs and community will be gone soon.Is this true?
 
There are times I just shut down and cannot get the energy to even make the effort to eat , I don't answer the phone or the door, my sons text me if they are coming over... I' m jumping out  of my skin with every noise which makes it hard because the people next door have a lot of company that likes to blow their horns a lot.  Then they lock their cars and the beep it makes , my, I guess adrenaline goes up, I think I'm falling apart here

So I haven't posted anything for awhile , I'm just existing right now. My one friend is pretty tired of me, she says I have it easy compared to the people that are facing the hurricanes and the aftermath of that is to come for them.I know that and it makes me feel so guilty for being so freaking depressed and unable to get out of this state of mind. Doc did give me Zoloft for my depression but I'm scared to take it because I read that if you have glaucoma it might make it worse. She said not to worry about it so I might try it at some point.

I'm still in this house for I guess another 2 weeks, luckily I still have everything in boxes from when I thought I would be staying in Arizona. I just don't know what the heck I'm doing.....
 
I had my biospy last week so now just waiting to hear back about results. Trying to stay calm but all I think about is the last time when I had my thyroid biospy. The doctor called me at 9 at night to tell me it was cancerous. At 9 at night! On a Friday. Not there is any good time to hear that but it was just very strange , she did prescribe me Xanax so I got that the next day and went back to work.

My sister had died of thyroid cancer in 1993 , she was only 61 and just starting over in her life. I was just getting to know her, she was 18 when I was born so we were like different generations. 

I think I've said this before but I would just like to live like a hermit in New Mexico or Arizona, somewhere in the desert so I could look for my rocks, read  and try to make sense of my life. 
 
I do appeciate the comments that I have received and when I figure out the technical issues of how to respond I will.... don't know if it is my computer or what!  

I hope to say I found a senior apartment soon. I just want to be in a stable place again. I want to have my books and my rocks out where I can see them. I do like the idea of maybe finding roommates and having a house and land surrounding me. Maybe that will happen in the future.  Then I can think about fixing all my other issues. I know I'm strong but it's sure been a rough few months. Although I might need to find another therapist. I like the one I have but she is telling me that different things I do is inviting evil in. I was given a bottle of Holy Water and told I need to go to church. I didn't think they were supposed to do that but I don't know for sure. At least not in a public hospital. Anyone have this happen to them?

I still want to make another cross country trip while I can, I still have that longing to be out west. I have glaucoma in one eye now so trying to get get the pressure down and I just had a biopsy on my neck this week. I get so stressed thinking my thyroid cancer came back now. Take care everyone.
 
Well I have to be out of my house in 10 days. Should be no surprise but it comes at a time when I am doubting my existence in this life. Everyday I go over all the horrible things I've done and all the things that have been done to me. My therapist calls it looping. I call it hell. I wonder how much different my life would have been if I hadn't been abused since I was little. What would I be like? 

I look at people my age and I'm jealous I think it is. Apartments I've looked that  are for seniors are out of my price range and I wonder how seniors can afford them. My former coworker just bought a house in a senior community in cash. And it is a gated community with a pool etc. How , what happened to me that I am so far behind . I know you're not supposed to be envious but sometimes it is hard. Plus they go on vacations and have no student loans. 

I am so confused I don't know whether to be really angry , really sad or just go back to bed for the day. My therapist says I need to go to church... I got gang raped in a churchyard so making it to church is sort of stressful to say the least. I have never been so depressed and sad before but the last few months have  taken my optimism away.

 
Well after a pretty awful weekend where I was debating whether I should commit myself to the hospital because I wasn't feeling well mentally at all, I decided not to. But I get scared when I start thinking of the pros and cons of just being alive. I just can't seem to get it together at all lately. I emailed my psychiatrist last week that I was feeling more and more depressed and sad and she hasn't emailed me back.

Then this morning I had my eye appointment and now I have glaucoma. Very expensive medicine.  It's really sort of funny in a strange way that I am told to keep my stress level down but everyday there is something else. I just hope I hear about an apartment soon , maybe having a stable place to live will help. But there is still my desire to go back out west. I think that is not doable for awhile though.

Just feel like running somewhere so I don't have to deal with life anymore. I want to be like my coworkers that are retired and have their own place to live , go on vacations and they don't have to worry about choosing between food or meds. Being a barmaid for all those years before I was able to finish school sure didn't help. I worked my butt off for 25 years behind a bar before I got my short career in the library but it was the only thing I could do at the time I guess.

 
I guess I'll have about less than a month in the house, sure hope someone calls with an apartment that I can afford!  The bank has accepted a deed-in-lieu , not totally sure what that is but I give the house back to the bank. Each person I talk to at the housing court has a different timeline so I'll go by mine and just get out as soon as I can. 

I saw something on the show the other day and it took me back to one of the abusive situations I was in. I lived with this guy for 3 months and it felt like 20 years. I had known him for a few years and I needed a place to stay, my 2 youngest were in grade school and he lived near the school so I figured it would be okay. Among my many bad decisions, this is up there. I wasn't allowed to go to the store, I couldn't get phone calls, he didn't want me to see my mom, I couldn't go volunteer at my kids school and he used to meet me at the door with a gun pointed at me if I was late. My poor boys were not allowed to talk, sit on the couch or watch tv. Finally one day I knew he had a doctors appointment, I packed up whatever I could carry and left. I was so scared, I thought he was always behind me. I was going to school at the time and I thought he was outside the apartment I found ,one day he was , he had the hood of my car open and I hid in the house til he left. He always played mind games and I was so scared I believed everything he said. One night he called , about 3 am, he was visiting  in Arkansas, I'm in Ohio , he said he would be at my place in an hour and I totally believed he would be there. I woke up my sons , got in the car and went to my moms. I still look around thinking he will be somewhere close by.

My life has been like that until I was in my 50's which I am very ashamed to admit but I can't change it . I think that is why I allow no one into my life except for my sons because I know they won't hurt me.

 
Sometimes when I get up, and I usually get up at 4 or so when I do sleep, I am sort of energized, I can make plans for the day. I think I can make a run to the library, go to the grocery store, the usual things people do. But in a couple of hours I go from this somewhat confident woman to a woman curled up on the couch unable to do anything. I don't know what has happened to me. Is it because I retired and had plans that I am unable to keep, is it my depression or the PTSD that has me unable to cope? I do remember a time whenever anybody knocked on my door that I would cower under a window or behind a wall with my children scared to death and we didn't move until the person left. I thought I had left that behind but I haven't. I jump out of my skin whenever I hear even my phone vibrate.My doc did put me on a very small dose of Prozac and an anti anxiety med  and I'm doing EMDR with a therapist but I think I'm getting worse.

I do have my court phone conference call today about how long I will be in my house til the bank takes it. I think they had said about 30 days after the call but I will find out for sure . I just hope one of these senior apartments would open soon. Otherwise I'm not sure where I'm going unless it's back to Arizona but with my friend upset with me , that's sort of iffy too. I guess I could just get in the car and go wherever but I just want a stable place somewhere. I just can't think clearly right now. My mind is in a million different directions.
 
I woke up this morning at 4 from a really bad dream and I am so scared right now. I woke up feeling like why am I even here, does anything I do matter at all. I hate the feeling, I've had it before but not as strong as today. Hope it passes soon.

I was gang raped by 5 , won't even call them men , years ago in a church parking lot . I had banged on the church doors and the rectory trying to get in. The lights were on but no one answered and then they were on me. It happened in July and my dream was a part of that, about how no one would help me. I always wonder what the priests or whoever went in the churchyard wondered about my some of my torn clothes and my knapsack being in their yard. Did they question what had happened there?  Part of the reason I'm scared to go to church. 

As the date draws near, I have more and more stress and fear. With everything else that is going on , not sure how I'll make it through this time. I know I will but I sure am tired of dealing with all of this .
 
One good thing is when I do hear back about an apartment , my sons have said they will buy me a brand new bed! I have never had a bed that was brand new. Just a little bright spot that I am looking forward to.

Unfortunately my friend from Arizona isn't speaking to me right now, I was going to drive her back to her home in August but she wants to go back in a couple weeks and I just can't do that with everything going on here. I am in the middle of intense therapy, not sure where I will live and just can't leave with so much up in the air. I really am I guess hurt that she doesn't understand  how much depression and PTSD can affect someone. She says all I need is sunshine....I think I need a little more than sunshine at this point.

I also got a letter from Navient ,they hold my student loans, and they want $760 a month! I only get $1300 a month so yep I'll get right on that! I'm filling out papers for the income based plan so hopefully they will renew it.

I just feel like saying Come on, just give me a break here. Or I could say I've survived everything else so far and I'm still standing! Take care.

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