Well I have to be out of my house in 10 days. Should be no surprise but it comes at a time when I am doubting my existence in this life. Everyday I go over all the horrible things I've done and all the things that have been done to me. My therapist calls it looping. I call it hell. I wonder how much different my life would have been if I hadn't been abused since I was little. What would I be like? 

I look at people my age and I'm jealous I think it is. Apartments I've looked that  are for seniors are out of my price range and I wonder how seniors can afford them. My former coworker just bought a house in a senior community in cash. And it is a gated community with a pool etc. How , what happened to me that I am so far behind . I know you're not supposed to be envious but sometimes it is hard. Plus they go on vacations and have no student loans. 

I am so confused I don't know whether to be really angry , really sad or just go back to bed for the day. My therapist says I need to go to church... I got gang raped in a churchyard so making it to church is sort of stressful to say the least. I have never been so depressed and sad before but the last few months have  taken my optimism away.

Well after a pretty awful weekend where I was debating whether I should commit myself to the hospital because I wasn't feeling well mentally at all, I decided not to. But I get scared when I start thinking of the pros and cons of just being alive. I just can't seem to get it together at all lately. I emailed my psychiatrist last week that I was feeling more and more depressed and sad and she hasn't emailed me back.

Then this morning I had my eye appointment and now I have glaucoma. Very expensive medicine.  It's really sort of funny in a strange way that I am told to keep my stress level down but everyday there is something else. I just hope I hear about an apartment soon , maybe having a stable place to live will help. But there is still my desire to go back out west. I think that is not doable for awhile though.

Just feel like running somewhere so I don't have to deal with life anymore. I want to be like my coworkers that are retired and have their own place to live , go on vacations and they don't have to worry about choosing between food or meds. Being a barmaid for all those years before I was able to finish school sure didn't help. I worked my butt off for 25 years behind a bar before I got my short career in the library but it was the only thing I could do at the time I guess.

I guess I'll have about less than a month in the house, sure hope someone calls with an apartment that I can afford!  The bank has accepted a deed-in-lieu , not totally sure what that is but I give the house back to the bank. Each person I talk to at the housing court has a different timeline so I'll go by mine and just get out as soon as I can. 

I saw something on the show the other day and it took me back to one of the abusive situations I was in. I lived with this guy for 3 months and it felt like 20 years. I had known him for a few years and I needed a place to stay, my 2 youngest were in grade school and he lived near the school so I figured it would be okay. Among my many bad decisions, this is up there. I wasn't allowed to go to the store, I couldn't get phone calls, he didn't want me to see my mom, I couldn't go volunteer at my kids school and he used to meet me at the door with a gun pointed at me if I was late. My poor boys were not allowed to talk, sit on the couch or watch tv. Finally one day I knew he had a doctors appointment, I packed up whatever I could carry and left. I was so scared, I thought he was always behind me. I was going to school at the time and I thought he was outside the apartment I found ,one day he was , he had the hood of my car open and I hid in the house til he left. He always played mind games and I was so scared I believed everything he said. One night he called , about 3 am, he was visiting  in Arkansas, I'm in Ohio , he said he would be at my place in an hour and I totally believed he would be there. I woke up my sons , got in the car and went to my moms. I still look around thinking he will be somewhere close by.

My life has been like that until I was in my 50's which I am very ashamed to admit but I can't change it . I think that is why I allow no one into my life except for my sons because I know they won't hurt me.

Sometimes when I get up, and I usually get up at 4 or so when I do sleep, I am sort of energized, I can make plans for the day. I think I can make a run to the library, go to the grocery store, the usual things people do. But in a couple of hours I go from this somewhat confident woman to a woman curled up on the couch unable to do anything. I don't know what has happened to me. Is it because I retired and had plans that I am unable to keep, is it my depression or the PTSD that has me unable to cope? I do remember a time whenever anybody knocked on my door that I would cower under a window or behind a wall with my children scared to death and we didn't move until the person left. I thought I had left that behind but I haven't. I jump out of my skin whenever I hear even my phone vibrate.My doc did put me on a very small dose of Prozac and an anti anxiety med  and I'm doing EMDR with a therapist but I think I'm getting worse.

I do have my court phone conference call today about how long I will be in my house til the bank takes it. I think they had said about 30 days after the call but I will find out for sure . I just hope one of these senior apartments would open soon. Otherwise I'm not sure where I'm going unless it's back to Arizona but with my friend upset with me , that's sort of iffy too. I guess I could just get in the car and go wherever but I just want a stable place somewhere. I just can't think clearly right now. My mind is in a million different directions.
I woke up this morning at 4 from a really bad dream and I am so scared right now. I woke up feeling like why am I even here, does anything I do matter at all. I hate the feeling, I've had it before but not as strong as today. Hope it passes soon.

I was gang raped by 5 , won't even call them men , years ago in a church parking lot . I had banged on the church doors and the rectory trying to get in. The lights were on but no one answered and then they were on me. It happened in July and my dream was a part of that, about how no one would help me. I always wonder what the priests or whoever went in the churchyard wondered about my some of my torn clothes and my knapsack being in their yard. Did they question what had happened there?  Part of the reason I'm scared to go to church. 

As the date draws near, I have more and more stress and fear. With everything else that is going on , not sure how I'll make it through this time. I know I will but I sure am tired of dealing with all of this .
One good thing is when I do hear back about an apartment , my sons have said they will buy me a brand new bed! I have never had a bed that was brand new. Just a little bright spot that I am looking forward to.

Unfortunately my friend from Arizona isn't speaking to me right now, I was going to drive her back to her home in August but she wants to go back in a couple weeks and I just can't do that with everything going on here. I am in the middle of intense therapy, not sure where I will live and just can't leave with so much up in the air. I really am I guess hurt that she doesn't understand  how much depression and PTSD can affect someone. She says all I need is sunshine....I think I need a little more than sunshine at this point.

I also got a letter from Navient ,they hold my student loans, and they want $760 a month! I only get $1300 a month so yep I'll get right on that! I'm filling out papers for the income based plan so hopefully they will renew it.

I just feel like saying Come on, just give me a break here. Or I could say I've survived everything else so far and I'm still standing! Take care.

I just can't seem to get it together at all. Just feel totally lost. Still waiting to hear back from apartments that I am on the waiting list for, have been turned down for some because of my low income. The bank is close to putting me out so I'm mentally I'm still in the same place I was months ago. Just more stressed than ever. 

I have applied for library positions but because I don't know my where I'm going to live, it is a little iffy , not that anyone has called me back to make that decision. I really miss working although I don't know if I could work in the public right now because my PTSD symptoms are through the roof right now. Behind the scenes would be fine, I could work as much as someone wanted me to. My student loans could get paid back, I wouldn't have to worry about housing, but I think I'll be 68 in a month or so , I just need a freaking break. 

My doctor put me on a new med so I am hoping that will help me get out of the house and get a little energy. But I don't want to see anyone, I jump out of my skin if anyone calls or knocks on the door. It makes me laugh sometimes how scared it makes me even if someone locks their car and the thing beeps. I mean who else does that? I know I'm not the only one though, just seems like it at times.

Thank you for comments if you have any, I'll try my best to respond but I forget how sometimes.

It's been awhile since I posted I guess. I can't seem to get myself out of the this hole I'm in. I saw on Dr. Phil yesterday that people who were abused when they were young are a 1000 more times likely to be abused in the future. Thinking of that I really never stood a chance, I can only remember a few times in my life that I was happy without faking it. I'll be 68 in July and it is so scary to think about not ever having known peace and happiness. 

I'm still waiting for the banks to evict me, still on waiting lists for housing, I have to find a job but I'm scared to see or be around people more than ever. I just can't see anything ahead that even looks optimistic at this point. My doctors appointments keep getting cancelled or rescheduled to a later date, it's like who on earth did I piss off this bad!

Yesterday was a pretty bad day for me, I guess the stress of everything caught up with me. A realtor was showing the house so I figured I would go to the store, pick up a couple things and then read for awhile in the parking lot until I could come back home.

Before I went into the store I thought I would call my therapist and leave a message that I really needed to see her sooner than my 2 week appointment was scheduled. She always says to call if I needed help. So I called , I just wanted her voice mail , but the person who answered said she would take a message. As I was telling her what was going on I just broke down crying in the car in the freking parking lot. So she said she wanted me to talk with the advice nurse. And I don't ever ask for help so this was a big step for me.

So I told the nurse, who was very kind, what I was happening to me . She wanted me to be seen ass soon as possible so she was looking for a compassionate doctor that had an opening. She found one that was for later in the day and I said okay. I told her I was going there righht away, I didn't mind waiting even though it was a few hours from then. She even called me back to make sure I got there okay. I thought this is amazing , they really care. So I registered, went through the whole thing about not miding the wait, where else was I going to go right. Went upstairs, they actually called me in within 5 minutes, I'm still crying, totally losing it. And the doctor comes in and she asked why I was sent to her, she didn't reallyhave time for this, she thought I had something like a UTI that was fast. She had more patients scheduled that had physical ailments and she still was talking about why I was sent to her, why didn't they send to to my therapist or my PCP. She then asked the usual, did I have anything wrong with my ears, eyes or throat, ummm no? She said everyone has stress in their life and I needed to see my therapist. I ended up apologizing to her,over and over, can you believe that? I am so mad at myself now for even asking for help , I don't even want to see my therapist now. 

So here I am sitting in my nearly empty house waiting for 10:30 so I can leave before the realtor gets here to show the house. There was a showing yesterday and I am a freaking wreck . Even though it is really the banks , I don't like the idea of people being by whatever I have left . This was so not a good time to stop meds, I am so stressed I can't think, plus I can't don't even know where I'm going to go when they do take over. I think I said I'm on waiting lists but those take forever. I don't see my doctors until April and I am really scared to be so up in the air.

I got the book by Frank Lawliss that Dr. Phil talks about but I can't focus on reading it. Sort of heavy reading for the spot I'm in I guess. I'm getting up so early , usually about 4 or so it is riduculous to maiintain any energy at all. Or any kind of thinking at all at this point. 

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