I wanted kids my whole life.  When I was a child I had a baby doll I took care of.  As a teen I picked out the name of my kids.  Constance Jane and Nathanual Larry.  I decided when I was sane from my bipolar and thinking with my other 30 illnesses that I total now,  I decided not to have kids because if I get pregnant I would have to get off my bipolar meds that would be dangerous also my APS is dangerous and also I don't want to pass these genetical illneses onto a child and I also have a lower chance already because I had anorexia and bulima in my past.  I greaved for the children I would never have but only a little. 
It didn't sink in until this happened:  I found outI have Endometriosis.A very painful condition.  I am on blood thinners for life from Atiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome (APS for short) and side affects of the pills they could give me to my gastroparesis.  I am 32 years old but there is nothing left for me to do. I am going ot have Endometrial Ablation.  It will render me infertal.
Last night I had a dream about me bing pregnant.  Today I started to cry.  I was crying almost a half a day and now I am about to start to cry again.  I have cats I think of as my kids but it nevers takes the place of a child.  I know I would be a good mother not that I am well balanced with my bipolar but they wouldn't let me have a foster child to take care of at all because of my past biplar problems.  I love children with all might heart but it kills me not to have my own or ever raise a child that needs a home. 
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