"New mood"
 
My attention addiction has been under control for over 10 years.  Sometimes I feel like people don't think I have feelings because "all I want is attention" when it is not.  I need to express feeling like everyone else so Iam going to say what is on my mind.  You don't have to read or reply.  Just pass it over.  Since I was a kid I was abused and as a adult I have always been on a self-punishment mode.  No I am not doing any harm to myself now and not sucide eaither.  I was in and out of mental hospitals for 10 years.  Now all I do is I don't believe I don't deserve to lose weight.  I am 270 pounds.  My weight is nothing but going up.  My Mom wants to take me to exercize & eat right but you can take a horse to water but you can't make them drink.  I don't even take photo's of myself.  I don't even look at myself in the mirror.  I just focus in on my hair & that is that.  Remember you don't have to read or reply.  Just pass it over.
 
"Little less than happy"
 
"Mellow"
 
"Mellow"
 
I have had a problem with TV addiction.  It got so bad when I was 10 years old we couldn't go anywhere on Saturday unitl noon.  That was when the cartoons got over.  It was horrible for a while that I couldn't go anywhere when certain shows where on.  It got better for a while.  To the point I had the radio on all day long but then I went back to the same addiction I started with.

Certain shows (like Dr. Phil) I want to be home for again.  I watch TV for almost all the time I am home.  I am trying to turn the TV off sometimes but it is hard.  I get withdrawles.  If you ever think you don't get withdrawals except with alcohol and drugs you are wrong.  My hand start to shake and my anxiety goes through the roof.  That is my withdrawals.

I am a christian and I am ashamed of myself to be addicted to the TV.
 
"sad"
 
I wanted kids my whole life.  When I was a child I had a baby doll I took care of.  As a teen I picked out the name of my kids.  Constance Jane and Nathanual Larry.  I decided when I was sane from my bipolar and thinking with my other 30 illnesses that I total now,  I decided not to have kids because if I get pregnant I would have to get off my bipolar meds that would be dangerous also my APS is dangerous and also I don't want to pass these genetical illneses onto a child and I also have a lower chance already because I had anorexia and bulima in my past.  I greaved for the children I would never have but only a little. 
It didn't sink in until this happened:  I found outI have Endometriosis.A very painful condition.  I am on blood thinners for life from Atiphospholipid Antibody Syndrome (APS for short) and side affects of the pills they could give me to my gastroparesis.  I am 32 years old but there is nothing left for me to do. I am going ot have Endometrial Ablation.  It will render me infertal.
Last night I had a dream about me bing pregnant.  Today I started to cry.  I was crying almost a half a day and now I am about to start to cry again.  I have cats I think of as my kids but it nevers takes the place of a child.  I know I would be a good mother not that I am well balanced with my bipolar but they wouldn't let me have a foster child to take care of at all because of my past biplar problems.  I love children with all might heart but it kills me not to have my own or ever raise a child that needs a home. 
  
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