What is her problem??  She gets pissed at me and won't speak to me!  I honestly don't know what her problem is!  She won't tell me why she's pissed but we all know she is.  She's 75 years old for heavens sake!  Grow up!!  I'm so sick of it.  I have to live with my parents for now and all I can think of is, when the hell can I leave and get away from her!  She can be such a bitch!  I just cannot figure out why she hates me so much.  All her friends say she doesn't hate me but she treats me like she does.  Her actions speak louder than words!  We've never gotten along very well and believe me, I've done everything I can to remedy that.  I've tried, really tried, to get a decent relationship with her and she pushes me away.  What the hell is the problem?  I can't leave or I would have to live on the street...I can't do that...I do have a job but it's part time for now.  Rent in this area is so high and low income housing requires a monthly income higher than what I make.  All I want is to be away from her!!  We can get along much better when I am not living under the same roof as her.  God, give me strength!
We are family, yet we are strangers.  We weren't brought up to be close and "touchy feely".  I guess because our parents were brought up that way.  It is so sad.  You'll see all of us in a room together and think we are not family. ( I mean Mother, Father, Brother, Sister.)  We used to never hug or say "I love you".  A friend of mine told me that if I wanted to change that, I needed to do something instead of complaining.  So I did.  I came out of my comfort zone and started hugging and saying "I love you".  I came out of my comfort zone with my mother, brother, father, sister  and things seemed to go well.  There was still a "wall" but I believe I penetrated it a bit - just not enough.  The wall is still there though and it is there with all of us (Mother, Father, Brother, Sister).  I tried to break the wall with all of us, but it did not work.  Since my brother and sister got married, the wall is rebuilding.  I believe it is their spouse's that are making that happen, just from things they have said and done is what makes me think that.  Now, we are drifting apart again.  I recently moved back home from being laid off from work.  My sister is here and my parents.  I am now living with my parents as I don't have a job and can't have a place of my own.  I had to file bankruptcy.  My parents said is ok for me to live with them and things are gonig well as long as the "wall" is there for them.  I don't have a "wall" and I desperately try to be open with them but they always shut me out.  Sometimes ignore me like I am not even there.  They sometimes talk to each other as if I'm not there.  Now that I am home, I was so hoping to connect with my sister and become closer to her.  She has a "wall" now and I am no longer included with my nieces.  I don't get invited to anything anymore.  I told my sister I wanted to come to their activities and I have been to a few.  But all of a sudden, I'm not invited to anything anymore.  My sister knows I want to get involved with my nieces and connect closer to her.  Yet she is pulling away.  I'm not forcing myself on anyone, I would never do that.  We've (brother, sister)  all been separated for so long and all I want is to reconnect.  I guess we've all been separated for so long that we don't know how to connect with each other.  I don't have kids.  My brother and sister have children.  We all grew up together until I graduated high school.  Then I moved away to start my life.  I wasn't in my brother and sisters life while they were in school and college.  I was away and married.  Then I was divorced and they were married.  We were all living separate lives in different states.  I lived in one state while working and they started their lives in other states.  Now, we are older and don't know how to connect to one another.  How sad.  I really want to reconnect to my sister now that I'm home and she is home as well but she has a "wall".  But she doesn't have the "wall" with my mother.  Her and my mother are very close and talk almost every day.  My sister doesn't tell me anything anymore but she tells my mother everything.  My mother tells me nothing.  I feel so alone and all I want is for us to be a family.  I guess we just don't know how.  So sad.  It really hurts because my parents are aging and won't be here much longer.  I really want us to talk to each other and not hide things.  That is another issue.  There are so many things going on in the family that is hidden that only so many people know about.  We could be a better family if things weren't hidden and we talked openly.  Everybody wants to keep everything under wraps and I feel we could help each other out by talking about things instead of keeping things hidden.  We are just not close and it makes me so sad.  I moved home to be closer to family yet I feel like I live on another planet while they all live their lives and tell me nothing.  Why am I being shut out??  I just don't get it.  We are a family, yet a family of strangers.  How sad.
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