Where to start . I think your cheating again . no i know deep down your cheating again . we need to end this .I need to end this . I have been thur this before i know the signs ,althou u say you want to change i dont see anything changing . You are off your meds ,you say its to make them last till u get to the doctor again .But i dont think thats the reason i think you dont like the changes they bring out in you so any excuse will do . But i listen more than you think i do and im smarter than you give me credit for. I know you before all this craysiness started . You cant see how you have hurt me , how you have ripped out my heart and stomped on it .Maybe its partly my fault for not being forthcoming with my feelings ,but its you who has continued to agress against me .Beacuse you feel justified because i didnt do or say what you wanted when you wanted .              I see you pulling away your affection , i see you staying longer at work . i see you deleating your txts . i feel the change in mood ,your quick to flare up and i know these are signs that your cheating . The calling me on the phone for no reason also a hint . i think you called me approximatlt 5-10 times when you were planing to meet up with your whore last time . i know this cause i was sitting right in frount of her as these conversations were coming , up until 5 min before u arrived at her house . All these things arch my interest then you go an invite me to your work , only for you to get out of a white hyundi sanate fe car just out of sight and walk up to me pretending like you have been at work .
Another big verbal fight , but this was alittle different .I gave my feelings a voice , and wow if felt good .

Started as usual , me asking him to do somethig for heather and as usual a tanty . I suppose i shouldnt call them that but thats what the resemble . It degraded into a verbal bashing of heather (who thankfully wasnt there to hear ) then as i let my feelings known it then went to what a horrable mum i was and all . I walked out leaving it unresolved as i had to goto work . He then called me on the way to work asking for heathers mobile number so he could call her and re arrainge a pick up time because it didnt suit him . So when i got to work i txt him to see if he had her numnber as i had given it to him before . No response from him so i went off to work .I came back to my phone on my break to 2 voicemails (not so nice ones ) and a txt asking for her number . so i txt him not to worry i would go pick our daughter up after work .

     To which he replyed that he would do it otherwise i would use it against him in arguments . as soon as he knew i was on break he phoned . And the fight continued Calling me u usless mum and it would be all my falt if anything untoward happened to our daughter .then the word devorce was mentined afew times , i hung up once on him then he rung straight back . Then i finished my shift and he rung again about 10 min after i finished .in this final descussion i said many true feelings to him about the many infidelities and years of un eventful sex life .We agreed to try to make this work . It feels as a weight has been lifted 
Gotta love this early morning quiet . its about the only time i get peace to sit with my thoughts . 

Just when i thought things were getting better . We had a nother fight last night ,and again it got verbal and you trew your new glasses at me . you are complaining that im not changing ,but im trying but maybe we cant undo all the scars . Maybe it is a life sentance for you ......you have caused me so much pain and you dont/cant undo it . our sex life sucks , i caught you watching porn again yesterday morning and i was upset  . Then you were like well you dont give it too me ,well maybe its because if the s*** you have done that hurt me that i dont want to be that vunreouble again . Maybe its because its wham bam thank you mam these days that i get nothing out of it but a mess . maybe its because you dont care about me "its too much effort for you to give me pleasure " its all about you and what you want . Maybe your right its not worth going to councilling when nothing changes . maybe im just putting off the eneveratable . maybe im just living in la-la land but at least im trying ! what have you done , your not going to councilling so soon you wont have any more meds and thats going to be fun NOT . we have been there and done that ,I dont think i can handle that again .When do i say enough its over . I dont know ! Im tired and i just want all the tension to stop I often wonder how much easier my life would be if we were seperated. Maybe its time to move on .
Been to our first marriage session for the year . Felt good to start afresh and try to talk more
Just sitting here in the quiet of the early morning . Everyone else is still asleep or at work .So peacful and quiet if only it was this way always . Heathers been over her friends place for the last two days so its been calmer here .Not to say its all her doing but her and her dad still have alot to work thru . Sometimes its hard being the one stuck in the middle .I can see were Heathers frustration is coming from and i dont think Paul can see it .He just doesnt get how annoying he can be 'mokey see,mokey do ' , how can he not see that his inactivity is the main reason for eveyone elses inactivity . All thru my child hood i never once saw my parents just come home and sit on their behind and expect eveyone else to do everything for me ,but he does and then chuck a tanty when things arnt done . If its not Heather its Kyle getting putt down because they are acting exactly like you !!!!!

    How can you excect everyone BUT you to do things around the house and then somehow think you deserve respect . Especially when you have cheated many times .Sometimes I wonder if the reason i stay is because your my cross to bear . I want so much to have that happy life that im willing to be a door mat for people . But no more , every day im making a concerted effort to moove forward and heal . This blog is one of those things thaty will force me to move forward .I need to start expressing myself  and asserting myself .

How do i do that when i feel so alone .So unsuported ,so unloved .
Well thats Christmas done for another 12 months . Now comes the next 4 gruiling months .....Everyones birthdays  . We have 5birthdays in January , 3 in Febuary 5 in March and 3 in April . Then its anopther 2 in May but their extended family . So its  a busy time for me and not to mention marriage counciling ,family counciling and Heathers personal councilling too . Then theres Octavia's speech therapy which will start back in the new year as well as a new school for Heather .  

   Just spent my christmas money on the beginings of book lists for the girls schooling for next year and a few odds and ends for eveyone . I have to look into some personal counciling for myself too however what is supposed to be family counciling has turned into my session . However they are looking at closing thatchild saftey caes in the new year . Which is a relief ...But  nothing is reallly fixed just alittle quieter . eveything is still unresolved just waiting foir the next big explosion . Bubbling just under the saface . Thats why im going to push things in our marrage councilling because if its not resolved it will just sit there simmering away and nothing will be truly better ....Which is what i want .For paul to see what havoc he has brought to us as a family and hurt he has caused and for him to get it ...And for me to find my voice and not bow down and just take it like a dog . I once was a proud and strong woman who would have never stood for being treated the way i have been over the last almost decade ....

Wow have it truly been that long!!!! Yes our slide down this slippery hill started before Octavia was born and she will be 11 in April . It wasnt always this way .At one point you were my hero , someone i wouldnt even imagine saying the "C" word let alone describing my as one . 
What can i say ,feeling alittle lighter toady asi think the realisation that what will be will be is cathardik . Im so tired of worrying about everyone else and their worrys as well as my own . But i feel better just concentrating on my own issues and everyone else can do their own stuff . Way back when in the stone age , when i was young and care free i was a happy stress free kind of girl . Paul had once said to me in councilling that he missed the strong willed person i used to be . I dont think he realises that it was the way he treated me and the constant put down and control that beat that out of me . 

      I am trying to bring back the old me ! And if in the interim he wants to fix some of his issues well then good for him . I  need to fix and heal myself for me ! New year new mind set !!!!! no more sitting back and watching it all go down , I NEED TO GET UP AND CHANGE IT . 
Ok so i just finnally finished christmas shopping !only to find out many of the peolpe that i bought for arnt coming to our christmas and in relity we wont even probably see them at all until the new year at least ! So im left sitting here wondering why I bothered .Why did i stress myself out to get them gifts . Next year thay can all go jump . Im going to only by for my two girls and the 4 neices and nefews .

As for my relationship im totally unsure were thats going in the new year ,if we will even be a family ! Part of me knows it takes two to tango .I know im far from perfect and i need to work on my communication , as if I was to grade my own paper i would give myself a d- . But at least i accknowledge that . I dont think he even relises how self centered he is and how that effects us .

This blog is becoming my diary , i used to have one when i was youmg and foolish and i thinkl i need it again. I dont know how to express myself at all . I have never been very good at it and i just lernt how to bottle the feelings up instead . We go back to counciling in the new year and i think i need it more than ever .I'm feeling very melloncolly writing this because i have come to the realisation that I need to do this more because i need to fix myself so that i dont fuck up further relationships . Not so much to fix this relatio nship cause its almost beyond repair . I need to heal before i leave not leave so i can heal .

We both need to change so many things that we do too and with each other . Our sex life is the worst it has ever been so i 99percent know hes cheating again . I had a "unhuh" moment the other day when so random person on the internet said that they thought their husband was cheating on them so they created an online account and had essensially been "catfishing" their own husband . and that was that bad because they were enjoying the conection that they now felt with their hubbie as he was being alot more affectionate to her out of guilt as he was unaware that it was her he was talking too . This made so much more sence to me because i had just had a fight with my hubbie about our non excistant sex life . maybe i should do that !

Wow that made more sence in my head than on paper .In my darker days i have been thinking about just leaaving ,just packing my stuff and going . How much easier it would be , no man-child to worry about .I just know i couldnt handle the pain again .what did i do to deserve this !sure im not perfect but at least im trying.The affection we once shared has gone , i feel so hollow .

I'm so exhausted .Why does life have to be so complicated. If only we had a rewind button . Busy busy the life of a blended family can be . Then you add a "adult" that wants to be treated like the centre of the universe but in reality is just a spoiled brat ! I'm so over being the only adult in the house . The oonly one willing to put any bodies needs above there own and then been trampled on because others in the house think they are a universe all to themselves. When is it time for ME ! When do I get to be number 1 ,even just for a day !
thanks for the responses.sorry for the long silence on my part have just been real 

busy with life and Christmas , and I don't have a computer so I am using my iPhone.Which can be alittle but annoying. I am finding things difficult as I'm trying so hard to keep the happy face on for the world. But in reality I'm just dying in side . I feel as though part of me wants to just run and hide . It would be so much easier. But I know in the long run that wouldn't be good for either my girls or I . 
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