Im so scared to end this . How would i cope ? how would i manage this life bymyself ? How would i goto sleep everynight knowing i failed to give my daughters a quiet home life that i had . How will i come to terms with that i failed to pick the right person to procreate with . How did i get it so wrong ? I need more . I need the courage to end this .
Just sitting here all alone in the early hours of the morning .Wondering how to walk away from a dream ! i want it to work out ,some days i think you treuly have multipul personality as you were so kind and thoughtful yesturday .Makes me want to stay and work it out but then i look at my old blogs and remember how much you hurt me and go NO i must leave .I just dont know what help that would be its not like i wont ever see you againall that will be different id you will be a pissed off and spitful vengful bastard .

    When i look back and see that we have so many bad times they truly outnumber the good times .I wonder why i stay and its compleatly driven by fear and hope . Two very powerful emotions .
thank you Carol . thank you for your support ,sometimes i feel as thou im writing on here just to get it out there and sometimes i feel as thou i need validation that i am wright .You have been the one to always respone to my woes ,so again thank you . The other day at work i read my fortune which i often dont and it was interesting . I miss the way i used to feel , the way i used to want to be around you . Accasionally i get a glims of it and then im reminded that you are not the same man i married . You have turned into a right royal arse . One that spares no feeling for anyone else
Where to start . I think your cheating again . no i know deep down your cheating again . we need to end this .I need to end this . I have been thur this before i know the signs ,althou u say you want to change i dont see anything changing . You are off your meds ,you say its to make them last till u get to the doctor again .But i dont think thats the reason i think you dont like the changes they bring out in you so any excuse will do . But i listen more than you think i do and im smarter than you give me credit for. I know you before all this craysiness started . You cant see how you have hurt me , how you have ripped out my heart and stomped on it .Maybe its partly my fault for not being forthcoming with my feelings ,but its you who has continued to agress against me .Beacuse you feel justified because i didnt do or say what you wanted when you wanted .              I see you pulling away your affection , i see you staying longer at work . i see you deleating your txts . i feel the change in mood ,your quick to flare up and i know these are signs that your cheating . The calling me on the phone for no reason also a hint . i think you called me approximatlt 5-10 times when you were planing to meet up with your whore last time . i know this cause i was sitting right in frount of her as these conversations were coming , up until 5 min before u arrived at her house . All these things arch my interest then you go an invite me to your work , only for you to get out of a white hyundi sanate fe car just out of sight and walk up to me pretending like you have been at work .
Another big verbal fight , but this was alittle different .I gave my feelings a voice , and wow if felt good .

Started as usual , me asking him to do somethig for heather and as usual a tanty . I suppose i shouldnt call them that but thats what the resemble . It degraded into a verbal bashing of heather (who thankfully wasnt there to hear ) then as i let my feelings known it then went to what a horrable mum i was and all . I walked out leaving it unresolved as i had to goto work . He then called me on the way to work asking for heathers mobile number so he could call her and re arrainge a pick up time because it didnt suit him . So when i got to work i txt him to see if he had her numnber as i had given it to him before . No response from him so i went off to work .I came back to my phone on my break to 2 voicemails (not so nice ones ) and a txt asking for her number . so i txt him not to worry i would go pick our daughter up after work .

     To which he replyed that he would do it otherwise i would use it against him in arguments . as soon as he knew i was on break he phoned . And the fight continued Calling me u usless mum and it would be all my falt if anything untoward happened to our daughter .then the word devorce was mentined afew times , i hung up once on him then he rung straight back . Then i finished my shift and he rung again about 10 min after i finished .in this final descussion i said many true feelings to him about the many infidelities and years of un eventful sex life .We agreed to try to make this work . It feels as a weight has been lifted 
Gotta love this early morning quiet . its about the only time i get peace to sit with my thoughts . 

Just when i thought things were getting better . We had a nother fight last night ,and again it got verbal and you trew your new glasses at me . you are complaining that im not changing ,but im trying but maybe we cant undo all the scars . Maybe it is a life sentance for you ......you have caused me so much pain and you dont/cant undo it . our sex life sucks , i caught you watching porn again yesterday morning and i was upset  . Then you were like well you dont give it too me ,well maybe its because if the s*** you have done that hurt me that i dont want to be that vunreouble again . Maybe its because its wham bam thank you mam these days that i get nothing out of it but a mess . maybe its because you dont care about me "its too much effort for you to give me pleasure " its all about you and what you want . Maybe your right its not worth going to councilling when nothing changes . maybe im just putting off the eneveratable . maybe im just living in la-la land but at least im trying ! what have you done , your not going to councilling so soon you wont have any more meds and thats going to be fun NOT . we have been there and done that ,I dont think i can handle that again .When do i say enough its over . I dont know ! Im tired and i just want all the tension to stop I often wonder how much easier my life would be if we were seperated. Maybe its time to move on .
Been to our first marriage session for the year . Felt good to start afresh and try to talk more
Just sitting here in the quiet of the early morning . Everyone else is still asleep or at work .So peacful and quiet if only it was this way always . Heathers been over her friends place for the last two days so its been calmer here .Not to say its all her doing but her and her dad still have alot to work thru . Sometimes its hard being the one stuck in the middle .I can see were Heathers frustration is coming from and i dont think Paul can see it .He just doesnt get how annoying he can be 'mokey see,mokey do ' , how can he not see that his inactivity is the main reason for eveyone elses inactivity . All thru my child hood i never once saw my parents just come home and sit on their behind and expect eveyone else to do everything for me ,but he does and then chuck a tanty when things arnt done . If its not Heather its Kyle getting putt down because they are acting exactly like you !!!!!

    How can you excect everyone BUT you to do things around the house and then somehow think you deserve respect . Especially when you have cheated many times .Sometimes I wonder if the reason i stay is because your my cross to bear . I want so much to have that happy life that im willing to be a door mat for people . But no more , every day im making a concerted effort to moove forward and heal . This blog is one of those things thaty will force me to move forward .I need to start expressing myself  and asserting myself .

How do i do that when i feel so alone .So unsuported ,so unloved .
Well thats Christmas done for another 12 months . Now comes the next 4 gruiling months .....Everyones birthdays  . We have 5birthdays in January , 3 in Febuary 5 in March and 3 in April . Then its anopther 2 in May but their extended family . So its  a busy time for me and not to mention marriage counciling ,family counciling and Heathers personal councilling too . Then theres Octavia's speech therapy which will start back in the new year as well as a new school for Heather .  

   Just spent my christmas money on the beginings of book lists for the girls schooling for next year and a few odds and ends for eveyone . I have to look into some personal counciling for myself too however what is supposed to be family counciling has turned into my session . However they are looking at closing thatchild saftey caes in the new year . Which is a relief ...But  nothing is reallly fixed just alittle quieter . eveything is still unresolved just waiting foir the next big explosion . Bubbling just under the saface . Thats why im going to push things in our marrage councilling because if its not resolved it will just sit there simmering away and nothing will be truly better ....Which is what i want .For paul to see what havoc he has brought to us as a family and hurt he has caused and for him to get it ...And for me to find my voice and not bow down and just take it like a dog . I once was a proud and strong woman who would have never stood for being treated the way i have been over the last almost decade ....

Wow have it truly been that long!!!! Yes our slide down this slippery hill started before Octavia was born and she will be 11 in April . It wasnt always this way .At one point you were my hero , someone i wouldnt even imagine saying the "C" word let alone describing my as one . 
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