As i have said before everyday allitle bit better . It has been a trying few weeks but I have gained some clarity . We are coming to the end of the first quarter of the year and almost thru the onslaught of family birthdays ,today is our youngests birthday and next week is one of the grandkids then we only have 3 more between now and October and then its all done for the year .We have also had our eldest cat fall deathly ill in the last few days .We are all veery attached to him as all the kids have grown up with him . He's the one that has been "the show and tell victim" but he seems to be on the mend .After a tensce few days of touch and go at the vets and a very hectic 11days straight at work ,i can finally rest . 


    Things are calmer at home in general ,father and daughter are getting on better .The pessamist in me thinks its only because my focus has been on survival and the cat that i simply have been oblivious to the underlying issue .Which would be true to an extent and our next councilling session next month will bring to the forfrount any issues we have .  I feel as though we havent really touched on any of the really core issuse as we have been focused on the Heather issue which is becoming a non-issue as she becomes more and more stable . 
 
Each day i get allittle closer to my end game .Some days it is harder then others ,some days its 3 steps forward 2 back but the idea to keep on moving on .One day it will be crystal clear ,but for now i just know this isnt what i want for my life .i am slowly fixing myself and if you walk up and realsie that you too want and need to fix yourself then all good .But im not waiting on you to make a start for myself . Once along long ago i had the confidence to do anything and i have let that slip away .That was my first mistake i got so smitten that i gave up on ME things in favor of you things . 

       I need to show my girls that you dont give up on things that make you you just to be a part of a couple .Time to revitalise me . Every day is another opportunity for better choices .
 
New day new me . As i sit here today im re-organising my life . Trying to convince myself to stop worring about things i can control and just focus on me . What i want and what i need to move on to the next chapter,

without you . Which is hard to say ,let alone do .We have been togeather for over half of my life but its obvious that you arnt what i need in my life .I need someone equillaly as commited as i am to fixing our marraige and you arnt . You just want to keep on doing what your doing and think that im none the wiser .

     But i am and im stronger than you give me credit for .I can do this . I can and will show my girls that you dont stand there and be a punching bag for someone who professes to love you yet treats you this way . There is no easy time ,no right time to end this merry-go-round .Its going to hurt whenever i do it ,i need to treat it like a bandaid .1,2,3 Go . 
 
"sure"
 
Im so scared to end this . How would i cope ? how would i manage this life bymyself ? How would i goto sleep everynight knowing i failed to give my daughters a quiet home life that i had . How will i come to terms with that i failed to pick the right person to procreate with . How did i get it so wrong ? I need more . I need the courage to end this .
 
Just sitting here all alone in the early hours of the morning .Wondering how to walk away from a dream ! i want it to work out ,some days i think you treuly have multipul personality as you were so kind and thoughtful yesturday .Makes me want to stay and work it out but then i look at my old blogs and remember how much you hurt me and go NO i must leave .I just dont know what help that would be its not like i wont ever see you againall that will be different id you will be a pissed off and spitful vengful bastard .


    When i look back and see that we have so many bad times they truly outnumber the good times .I wonder why i stay and its compleatly driven by fear and hope . Two very powerful emotions .
 
thank you Carol . thank you for your support ,sometimes i feel as thou im writing on here just to get it out there and sometimes i feel as thou i need validation that i am wright .You have been the one to always respone to my woes ,so again thank you . The other day at work i read my fortune which i often dont and it was interesting . I miss the way i used to feel , the way i used to want to be around you . Accasionally i get a glims of it and then im reminded that you are not the same man i married . You have turned into a right royal arse . One that spares no feeling for anyone else
 
Where to start . I think your cheating again . no i know deep down your cheating again . we need to end this .I need to end this . I have been thur this before i know the signs ,althou u say you want to change i dont see anything changing . You are off your meds ,you say its to make them last till u get to the doctor again .But i dont think thats the reason i think you dont like the changes they bring out in you so any excuse will do . But i listen more than you think i do and im smarter than you give me credit for. I know you before all this craysiness started . You cant see how you have hurt me , how you have ripped out my heart and stomped on it .Maybe its partly my fault for not being forthcoming with my feelings ,but its you who has continued to agress against me .Beacuse you feel justified because i didnt do or say what you wanted when you wanted .              I see you pulling away your affection , i see you staying longer at work . i see you deleating your txts . i feel the change in mood ,your quick to flare up and i know these are signs that your cheating . The calling me on the phone for no reason also a hint . i think you called me approximatlt 5-10 times when you were planing to meet up with your whore last time . i know this cause i was sitting right in frount of her as these conversations were coming , up until 5 min before u arrived at her house . All these things arch my interest then you go an invite me to your work , only for you to get out of a white hyundi sanate fe car just out of sight and walk up to me pretending like you have been at work .
 
Another big verbal fight , but this was alittle different .I gave my feelings a voice , and wow if felt good .

Started as usual , me asking him to do somethig for heather and as usual a tanty . I suppose i shouldnt call them that but thats what the resemble . It degraded into a verbal bashing of heather (who thankfully wasnt there to hear ) then as i let my feelings known it then went to what a horrable mum i was and all . I walked out leaving it unresolved as i had to goto work . He then called me on the way to work asking for heathers mobile number so he could call her and re arrainge a pick up time because it didnt suit him . So when i got to work i txt him to see if he had her numnber as i had given it to him before . No response from him so i went off to work .I came back to my phone on my break to 2 voicemails (not so nice ones ) and a txt asking for her number . so i txt him not to worry i would go pick our daughter up after work .


     To which he replyed that he would do it otherwise i would use it against him in arguments . as soon as he knew i was on break he phoned . And the fight continued Calling me u usless mum and it would be all my falt if anything untoward happened to our daughter .then the word devorce was mentined afew times , i hung up once on him then he rung straight back . Then i finished my shift and he rung again about 10 min after i finished .in this final descussion i said many true feelings to him about the many infidelities and years of un eventful sex life .We agreed to try to make this work . It feels as a weight has been lifted 
 
Gotta love this early morning quiet . its about the only time i get peace to sit with my thoughts . 


Just when i thought things were getting better . We had a nother fight last night ,and again it got verbal and you trew your new glasses at me . you are complaining that im not changing ,but im trying but maybe we cant undo all the scars . Maybe it is a life sentance for you ......you have caused me so much pain and you dont/cant undo it . our sex life sucks , i caught you watching porn again yesterday morning and i was upset  . Then you were like well you dont give it too me ,well maybe its because if the s*** you have done that hurt me that i dont want to be that vunreouble again . Maybe its because its wham bam thank you mam these days that i get nothing out of it but a mess . maybe its because you dont care about me "its too much effort for you to give me pleasure " its all about you and what you want . Maybe your right its not worth going to councilling when nothing changes . maybe im just putting off the eneveratable . maybe im just living in la-la land but at least im trying ! what have you done , your not going to councilling so soon you wont have any more meds and thats going to be fun NOT . we have been there and done that ,I dont think i can handle that again .When do i say enough its over . I dont know ! Im tired and i just want all the tension to stop I often wonder how much easier my life would be if we were seperated. Maybe its time to move on .
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