Thought i would give it a try and share this here

this is my world

Incest would become my biggest secret to keep sealed away in that box buried deep within my mind

That secret would slowly ruin my very being . My real self

All the times mom and dad would leave , every Thursday night it was like clock work .

The babies were put to bed early

The parents left leaving us on there bed to watch tv and babysit the little ones

They were off for supper (if they were anything they  were predictable )

To be gone usually three hours .

His pattern was the same he had been grooming me for years ,he had been raping since I was eight

He would start almost play fighting ,poking me till I hit back ( he called that wrestling)  then fists would fly it always ended the same way with his raping me ,then tossing me aside like an old whore .

Not until many years later did I discover he got off on me hitting him back , I knew I never cried I ..I had stopped crying many  years before then .

I would watch it happeneing from above I would be floating around the room watching what was happening to me .I got good at doing that whenever he raped me .

That was never the end of it then though .Then it was the blaming me for it happening in the first place if I would not have proked him he would not of had to get so mad . I t was always somehow my fault

But I felt the same way dealing with mom aswell. Never seeming to be able to even convince her it was not my fault the lamp got broken .

She was often clouded by the glow off her golden boy .

How could she ever admit he was anything other than perfect

It had to be my fault

When it was to obvious to hide likely I had provoked it

The abuse I was enduring would overflow in so many ways

I knew I could not tell as he had put the fear of the light into me more than once

I knew he would choke me and choke me had till I saw that light

As he so clearly put it next time I wont stop

I could not let him kill me I could not let him get at my sisters the way he had me

At least if he was going after me he was not hurting them

Luckily they were small enough they were not prey yet

I wanted to tell but I also had another wall in front of me

I had better be sure I had been beat with a fan belt earlier in the year for telling a friend at school my brother got yelled at by my dad .My mom was furious she stated again and again "what happens in this house stays in this house "

So really how could I trust her

I never had that sit down and talk kind of relationship with her none of us kids did .

I could not trust her to protect me and never leave me alone with him again

I could not take the chance of her not believeing me or making light of it

In desperation I did reach out to a student counsellor in junior high .

Being I had been so disruptive in school and instead of anyone asking me why they just labelled me disruptive but I did get to get out of classes and talk to the counsellor .I did not really tell him anything till this one day I just wanted help .

I walked into his office closed the door sat down and blurted out my brother is raping me he is going to kill me . He looked at me with a shocked look and his face and told me to go back to my class .

I had told him how abusive my mom was he knew she had hit me with coat hangers and had seen the marks . He knew I acted out in school because it was the only place I safely could vent at all

The rest of the day my heart beat double time was agony waiting what was going to happen would he call the police would he call my mom how would she react would she come here and then freak at home would she act like it was my fault of course ....The day ended I went home every time the phone rang my heart stopped was it the call would he really phone ...I had no idea and now I was beginning to regret it .What if they took us kids away and we all got put together .What if mom got in trouble boy I would pay for this mistake dearly .

The evening came and went with no result and so did the next and the next and the next ........

He never told he did not say a thing .

Part of me was almost relieved I had been so scared I was sure someone was going to hurt me bad over that mistake

I would never make that mistake again

I would have to deal with this in a different way
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