I was breathing so heavy I was sure he would hear me

or would he hear my heart beating. It was pounding so loud that it may give my hiding place away.

As he went by I held my breath.

I tried so hard not to move.

He was right there. The only thing separating us was this sheet of panelling.


My body was aching to move.  I had to be so still. If he figured out where

I was. He would certainly beat me. Even worse than he had before.

He was so horrible.So mean, Brutal. Maybe even evil. My older brother. The one I should have idolized, trusted with my biggest secrets. Yet, he was my biggest secret.

He had been slamming me around from the time I was very little[6?]

He would choke me until i had worn out my energy trying to get him off of me i would start to feel my head going light as if my forehead were about to explode the pressure only relieve by a slight loss of hearing changing it sounded as if i were in. An air locked tunnel them my light would fade and the room would spin and everything went dark then the sharp slap of the hand would bring back a blast of pain and a feeling of bright blinding pain,

I would gasp for breath coughing feeling as if i was breathing threw a tube then more sharp stinging pain

he seemed to get great enjoyment from my pain. He was aroused by the control he had over me.

The more I cried the more he would inflict  pain.

everyday it could possibly be the day that he would go too far and kill me.

Maybe it would be a good thing. As it felt like I spent every waking hour of my life hiding from him or my mother. Why was she  just as vicious and brutal as he was?

i wanted so badly to tell her what was really happening under her own roof

but she could not be trusted If I trusted her and told her. Would she betray me? If she left me alone with him he would most certainly kill me



for years my life appeared so perfect from the outside.  Your home life appeared perfect

So many of my friends had expressed how lucky i must be

to live in this big fancy house and wear such nice clothes

yet here i was hiding huddled under the stairs  behind the

space where the  dog was kept. it stinks but i don't care At least I think I am safe ....for now.

I REALLY WAS NOT SAFE ANYWHERE AND THE YEARS OF ABUSE

PROVED IT TO ME AGAIN AND AGAIN



For me to think that i was lucky was the farthest from my mind

as i huddled under the stairs ....this was a spot i had noticed one day while cleaning the floor in the dog pen

and had thought i might be able to fit there ,the entrance

was in the back of my closet (imagine finding places to hide being in your

thought process)

i felt pretty safe in here ,for now but i could not deny the terror

of hearing his footsteps on the stairs

above me and he was talking out loud to himself or maybe me

he sure sounded mad .

i couldn't come out now for sure he would pound me

and when was mom getting home and why does it smell so bad in here .

thank god the dog was outside or for sure he would give away me being here

my legs are beginning to cramp i feel like i can no longer remain still

just then i hear a voice

calling my name he is saying come out it's ok  he is trying to talk me out

i have long since learnt not to fall for that

his voice is getting louder he is getting closer why can't i hear his footsteps  

omg i think he is right in the room

i can smell him

i wonder if he can smell me ....i have been sweating in this tiny spot

the air i am breathing in is laced with dog poo ....maybe the dog poo covers my smell

i hope .....it seems like i have been in here forever and it was stupid of me to leave my

shoes in the porch

giving away that i was home ...i knew better i knew if i was home and my

older brother

came home he would come after me

i never really could figure out why he targeted me other than convenience

.i was there

from a very young age my brother was always semi aggressive sneakily   with me but

not till we hit the double digits did the rules of the game really change

it started then that the rage from the physical fight was now turning him on he became sexual aroused by the violence he was getting off on beating me up

and then he would rape me and beat me the whole time choking me till

i would pass out

like it never crossed his mind i could die ....more than once i saw stars and

woke up with him slapping my face .thinking about all this just gave me the extra power in myself to stay under

those stairs because yes i was hiding from being raped i knew that now a days

it was never just a beating it was definitely a rape and he had no fear he had

done it to me 100

times before and it was just getting more violent every time

finally the lesser of two evils my mom was home

i will wait till she starts supper and gets settled in then go up stairs claiming

to have fallen asleep watching tv best of all i had not been found all he will know for sure is i was somewhere

in the basement,i could use this spot again

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my home seemed so normal a nice house with four kids father a business owner mother working as well.

our house was always the most well kept home on the block inside

and out our yard was impeccably manicured

and the inside well we had rooms we never even went into my mom had grown up in a home that was not kept clean and tidy therefore it was of huge importance to her

both my parents were from larger families on the poor side of the tracks

therefore the materialism that inevitably came along with the

success was intoxicating to them

everything was perfect everything was done

mom was raised with a swift hand from her mom and so saw nothing wrong with it

if we deserved a smack in the head we got it .that was never the

issue it was the excess beatings that took place

i often find myself as describing her behavior as uncontrolled anger she was quick swift and lethal

her tools of choice could be anything

i grew up learning i had to watch my back and

that the hierarchy in the household was not to be trusted

occasionally i would fall for the manipulation but it always ended up with

me getting physically hurt.

I had to watch out for me .



As so many people did in those days, my parents married young.

They married young to get away from the horrors that were in each one's world at the time.

Just like people get married young today did for the same reason.

To find something better than what was.

They truly believed at the time that they could be successful at having a family and at the same time be successful in each one's field that they worked in each day.

From the beginning Dad knew he wanted to be more than just average he wanted to be so much more than what he had come from so he opened his own business.

At first as all businesses are, his started out small, but as time passed it grew so much that he looked to us for help in running it.   

It had turned from his business to a family business, and we all now worked to make it successful

Spending our weekends pulling weeds cleaning dog crap and washing floors



My dad treated the business like it was his wife, like it was marriage between them.

This was something that mother pointed out many times.

She always said, the business was his real wife.

There was four in this family, I was second oldest of the four.

All were a year older than the other, except for me and my oldest brother.

A year and a half, separated us.

One boy and three girls made up the kids in this family that I was apart of.



For years my mother always joked, joked about how me and my brother could have been twins. So many people thought we were even though we were not.
 
how do you escape.......      

Here i sit talking to a world of people i dont know.I stare at my computer screen wishing it wopuld yell an answer back at me .

I feel like i am tangled in a world of horror but can not escape.

The horror is in my mind

My memories how do you conquer your memories

How do you get past what has formed you to be what you are

It is like like trying to run with no legs

or swim with no limbs.

The feeling of slowly being unable to breath

but yet there is no end

it is like running down a dark tunnel that has no light at the end

how long do you run

is it right to quit running or is it just a dream to die

HOW DO YOU ESCAPE THE REALITY OF YOUR MEMORIES

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

how do u know      

Ever wonder what makes you try day after day  

When life seems to question your existence

Deeo down you question yourself and look for a purpose

You ask yourself why is it i continue to fight

When it seems so easy to quit and make it right

They say everyone has purpose  

yet mine seems to be to prove that one can live through it all

How do you know when your turn should be over

How do you know when to walk to the light

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

and again ii get it      

i watched that episode and all i could think was how lucky those girls are to get the help . i wish dr phil would read just one of my emails but i get how many people are in this world just like me . These4 shows are good for me to watch because it shows me i do have more control over my world tyhen i think i do .I am a victime and a victor a survivor and yes maybe an addict ....I do not do heroine like those girls do mine is prescribed but i dont know how i would deal with my body pain without it ....i was raped from the time i was 6 to the time i was 14 when my brother my abuser finally killed himself . my father killed himself does it come to mind of course it does every single day .   Since i had been physically abused by a mom with issues of her own she was not my ear of choice to stop the rapes actually there was no ear of choice i told no one . Therefore now i sit i am 48 years old i have flash backs when i sleep horribly of my youth ....I get why these girls did heroine but i dont i believe it is not one drug addicts position to judge anothers . Everyones hell is there own . Mine is to fight my own urges and to stay in a postion daily that makes me at least not hurt physically and be able to walk and function ...My abuse caused me to get fibromyalgia i have it severe ii take two different kinds of oxy and a cocktail of happy pills to keep me off the bridge ...i am not writing this as a sob story pity i have no time or need for i am writing it so people will realize sometimes when the world has you from such a young age and you can scream and no one hears you you look foor something in yourself to calm the voices .Maybe thats the bigest problem with addictions is it DOES CALM THE VOICES

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

how do u get rid of memories that haunt you      

Here i sit talking to a world of people i dont know.I stare at my computer screen wishing it wopuld yell an answer back at me . I feel like i am tangled in a world of horror but can not escape. The horror is in my mind My memories how do you conquer your memories How do you get past what has formed you to be what you are It is like like trying to run with no legs or swim with no limbs. The feeling of slowly being unable to breath but yet there is no end it is like running down a dark tunnel that has no light at the end how long do you run is it right to quit running or is it just a dream to die HOW DO YOU ESCAPE THE REALITY OF YOUR MEMORIES

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

WINTER BLUES      

It is so hard sometimes to be stranded in doors as it is to darn cold to go outside ...i had myself convinced that i would finish my book this winter but somedays it is almost as though i am afraid of it ...i really need to go line to line and redo the so much .......would be so much easier to work with someone else but ....i know i am doing this alone

Ever feel like you are yelling at the world but no one can hear you ....here i am writing on a site for one of the most famous shrinks and no one hears me

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

why      

evevr wonder why why you should bother

why even try why do we even attempt to stay alive

=================================================================

talking to myselfta      

a kabillion people on the internet andi am talking to myself

i need to find a    way to get mysel an editor so i can get this book   going

i waant to be able tohelp others who feel like me others who have been threw and feel as unwanted as i do

somedays its  like i am all alone in this world

me and my memories

if i could have one wish before my day comes i would love to be able to have dr phil sit with me and help me sort out my memories

my book  will   bee called domented family values

i think that explains it best

mom called and its like i have helped her get her answers for why y dad cheated on her

yet she wont help me

her perfect boy was a monster  period

----its time      

i have come to the conclusion that it is time for me to go ahead and write my story even though my mom has made it clear how much she seems to think i should not ever tell anyone about what happened it is just not fair

she is just being selfish she is embarrassed i have to heal from this i have to be able to go on

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

why      

why do ii even tryto carry on when it isobvious

i am my onlyone who cares

no wonder my onever saw the 14 years of sexual abuse i wet threw i my

ownhome she sees oly what she wants to see

she doesnnt careabout me

i never told her i was being abused cause i ould not

count on the fact she would protect me

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

alone      

i have always felt so alone in thiss world

yesterday i told my mom i wanted to die

and get aload of thisshe doesnt even call

to see if i am ok today

as a mom myself i cant understand the

selfishness .......i need to get my head straight

i hadd hoped she would be more  helpful i

should of known better

you people are all i can tell

and i dont think anyone reads this either

how long could i be deadd before someone noticed

likelly a longg time

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

bad day      

i had a horrible brain day today

felt like i could jump off a bridge but i

try so hard to pull myself together

my mom minimized my feelings from my

abuse she doesnt understand why i

didnt tell her after the first rape

she just blames me for not saying

anything ... when i try to talk to her she

tells me to put it in a bubble and blow it away .

she just doesnt get it

why it seems to mean so much to me fro her to i do not know

all that seems to matter to her is that i tell

knowone about the abuse that she never saw in her own house

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

i need to scream to all the world      

why is it when i told my mom that i had been abused for all those years by my brother  

her comment was it was fault for any abuse after the first time because i never told her and now she says i best not write a book tell anyone

i should put my memory in a bubble and blow it away and stop dwelling on it .......i cant get past this if i dont get it out .......its been too many years it has run my world  but i dont want her to hurt anymore either ........

we had such a horrible life my dad killed himself then later my brother did too the useless piece of crap i told him too ....i wish i could tell everyone somedays

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

my memories      

Here i sit talking to a world of people i dont know.I stare at my computer screen wishing it wopuld yell an answer back at me . I feel like i am tangled in a world of horror but can not escape. The horror is in my mind My memories how do you conquer your memories How do you get past what has formed you to be what you are It is like like trying to run with no legs or swim with no limbs. The feeling of slowly being unable to breath but yet there is no end it is like running down a dark tunnel that has no light at the end how long do you run is it right to quit running or is it just a dream to die HOW DO YOU ESCAPE THE REALITY OF YOUR MEMORIES

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ever wonder      

Ever wonder what makes you try day after day  

When life seems to question your existence

Deeo down you question yourself and look for a purpose

You ask yourself why is it i continue to fight

When it seems so easy to quit and make it right

They say everyone has purpose  

yet mine seems to be to prove that one can live through it all

How do you know when your turn should be over

How do you know when to walk to the light

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

HERE I SIT      

Here i sit talking to a world of people i dont know.I stare at my computer screen wishing it wopuld yell an answer back at me .

I feel like i am tangled in a world of horror but can not escape.

The horror is in my mind

My memories how do you conquer your memories

How do you get past what has formed you to be what you are

It is like like trying to run with no legs

or swim with no limbs.

The feeling of slowly being unable to breath

but yet there is no end

it is like running down a dark tunnel that has no light at the end

how long do you run

is it right to quit running or is it just a dream to die

HOW DO YOU ESCAPE THE REALITY OF YOUR MEMORIES







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