How my vision board helps me achieve goals.

Growing up with my sister was a blast until I turned 12 years old. Before I turned 12 we would do everything normal sisters would do. We would play Barbies, play tag in the yard, hide n' go seek with all the other kids in our neighborhood, and ride our horses around the yard pretending we were on a safari or pretending to be cowboys and Indians. I thought my sister had hung the moon and I wanted to be right by her side all the time. We even had a secret code. When my sister and I were young our rooms were right next to one another and I would knock on my wall and she would knock back in our secret code to see if one of us was still awake late into the night. No matter what we would always hear that knock and respond. I remember being a little squirt and if I ever had a bad dream I knew I could just crawl in bed with my big sissy and everything would be just ok. I thought I had the best big sister in the whole world.
         Right around the time my sister hit puberty she no longer thought I was the cool little sister. I had become the annoying embarrassing younger sister she didn't ever want around anymore. She never wanted to play Barbies anymore or ride our horses. Alexandra just wanted to talk on the phone with her boyfriend or hangout with her friends. I felt like my world had just crashed. She pushed me away and never really reached out after that.
            Then once she got pregnant with Nathan I knew I would never have her back as my big sissy ever again. She had more important things to do than to play with me. She had a son now and I was just in the way. So I decided to replace her as best as I could. I started hanging out with my friends and made a name of my own. I was no longer her little sister I was just another girl in the world.
            My sister and I began to fight more and more and I am not exactly sure of the reasons why. I mostly think it was because I missed her so much and instead of telling her that I just got mad; as any child would do when their big sister has "moved on." From there it only got worse. We repaired our relationship somewhat back around when I was about 14 or 15 years old. It still was not the same as it once was. I always felt this void without her in my life. I could no longer tell Alexandra things without her telling her friends or our parents and to this day I still have yet to figure out why. It was like she forgot the "sister code."
            As of right now we rarely speak. I still have the same anger I had towards her for leaving me as I did all those years ago. I don't know if she did it on purpose or if she even noticed. All I know is that I feel like my sister and I are so far apart I couldn't even tell you her favorite food anymore. (Which brings tears to my eyes to even think about.) I miss my sister so much. I want to be able to tell her secrets she won't repeat and ask her what she thinks about my hair before I go on a date. I want my sister to want me in her life as much I wanted her to be in my life.
            So, I guess in a way I feel as though there is nothing left to do. I have waited for her to come back for so long and all she does is move farther and farther away from me. I wish I was not so angry towards her but I just can't help it sometimes. I do not know if I will ever have her back and to be perfectly honest it scares me a lot. I will always love her and remember the times we spent that were perfect bliss. 

I am sure everyone knows that quote from Walt Disney's, Bambi. I have always been a very sensitive girl. I don't deal very well with people yelling or making "ugly" faces towards me. Many of my friends call me the Flower. They call me Flower because I am very sensitive to people's emotions and what people say or think about me.

My mother growing up was always nurturing, she was just a tough love kind of mother.  I am glad my mother raised me the way she did. I do not disagree with how she raised me it was just different than a lot of my friend's mothers growing up. My mom is the toughest woman I know. She is bothered by almost nothing. If someone says something hurtful to my mom she can just swipe it off her shoulder and say, "well I guess that is just how they feel." Me on the other hand, I wonder why the person said it and what I can do to fix the issue.  My Dad is the same way in that aspect. If my dad hears someone said something about him he just wipes it off and goes on like nothing happened.

I am glad I am who I am and I am the way that I am. I think everyone is different and people handle emotions differently. That is why everyone in the world is different. I know that I am a caring sensitive person and I am ok with that. I just wish my mother could understand that I am different than her and it is ok to be different. I think my mom looks at being sensitive and showing emotion as a sign of weakness. I hope she can one day understand I am different. I enjoy being around others and am a people person. Yes, sometimes I cry when people say hurtful things and I get flustered during rush hour traffic.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I feel like my mother and I are a lot a like in many aspects of our lives but we are still opposites at the same time. I am sensitive to what people say and think, I handle things differently, and it is ok.

"New semester starts tomorrow! I am staying focused."

Me and Callie crusin' around over summer.

Early November 09'

"Enjoying the warm weather! It finally stopped raining."

"Taking my midterms! Studying & helping out Mom!"

My mother has always raised my nephew, Nathan. Not to sound selfish but when Nathan was born I had to grow up and there my childhood ended. My sister Alexandra was just care free. She loved her son of course but she was more interested in so many other things. It hurt me deeply when my mom was Nathan's mom. I still needed her and still do. My mom wasn't really there when I was younger to hold my hand when I was scared or rub my tummy when I was sick. I am thankful for everything my mom has done. It has made me so strong and who am I today. It brings tears of sadness to my eyes when people ask me about my sister. My sister has hurt more than just her family but her friends as well. I love my sister don't get me wrong but she is irresponsible. I think she chose her boyfriend over her kids. I am angry with my sister. I know she needs me though. Alexandra is lonely and I am her sister it is my duty to be there for her. Alex and my mom do not speak; that hurts me a lot. My mom does a great job raising Nathan & Leilah but my sister thinks she is trying to steal them away. My mom just wants what is best for the kids. Everyone knows my sister is not fit to raise her kids right now. Neither are the fathers. I do wish my mom would stop and be the grandmother sometimes. I missed her growing up. It is always about Leilah and Nathan she worries herself crazy. My mom needs time to herself. My sister and both the dads need to pull their heads out of their butts and realize what they are doing to our family!!

Dr. Phil's Parental Legacy Exercise

Our parents have a powerful hold on us throughout our lives. Recognize how your parents and your childhood may be impacting you. Find out how your past could contaminate your future, and then you can make conscious decisions to behave differently. Envision your mother, then father, good or bad, happy or sad.
In the presence of your Mother:



Complete the sentence, "What I got from my mother I did not want ..."
Out of all the things I received from my mom, I wish I didn't receive her judgmental trait, as I call it. When my mother meets a person, she judges them. For example, if they dress a certain way she places them in a certain category in her mind. If someone dresses in all black for example she says they are "Goth" and "depressed." I used to put people in these categories as well. I had to train myself out of it. That is partially why I never brought any of my friends around.


Complete the sentence, "What I resent about my mother ..."
I resent my mother for babying my sister all those years that she did. As we all know, my sister had Nathan when she was fifteen. My mother would always run to her side and rescue her if Nathan would cry or couldn't fall asleep. My mom would say, "No no, just let me do it." In the real world my sister would have to figure it out by herself.


Complete the sentence, "What I love about my mother ..."
There are so many things that I love about my mother! She is the strongest person I know! My mom is not afraid of anything. She takes on the world with her chin high and never lets anything stop her. My mother always taught me to never let anyone knock me down and to always follow my heart no matter where it took me.


If your mother had one minute left in this life, what would you tell her?
If I had one minute left in this life I would tell my mom, "Thank you for being the best! You taught me so many things that I would have never wanted to learn from anyone else! You were there when I fell down. You pushed me when I needed to be pushed. You listened to me when I need to talk you held my hand when I was scared. Most of all you loved me no matter what I did. I love you."


In the presence of your Father:


Complete the sentence, "What I got from my father I did not want ..."
One of the things I received from my father that I wish I didn't would definitely be his temper. My father is a hot-head. As a child I had a hard time controlling my temper. The little things would just tick me off and I would explode. Sometimes it still happens. I have learned how to control it a lot better. Especially seeing myself on TV made me realize it is not important to freak out.


Complete the sentence, "What I resent about my father ..."
I resent my father for favoring my sister over me. When I was younger my father would always run to my sister and try to rescue her from everything and everyone. Anytime I needed my father I felt like he wasn't there. I wish we could have been closer when I was younger.


Complete the sentence, "What I love about my father ..."
I love my father's strength! My dad is one of the strongest men I know. My dad works everyday of his life and never takes a day off. He always is building something new and working on something for my mom. He tries so hard to please our family. My dad loves his girls, me, mom, and my sister more than anything! Every time I fell my dad was right behind me to scoop me up and wipe away my tears. Now that I am older I can tell my dad anything and he always listens to what I have to say.


If your father had one minute left in this life, what would you tell him?
If I had one minute left in this life I would tell my dad he is great. We had a rocky start growing up but I love him with all my heart. I would never ask for a different dad. He is always there to guide me and to hold my hand. He also is my protector from anything bad or evil. My dad would do anything for me just so I wouldn't be sad for an instant. To me there is nothing more anyone could ask for. This even brings tears to my eyes sitting here writing this. I love you Poppy! I love you so much!