For as long as I can remember, I was angry. I was angry that my mother did stupid shit and went to prison. I was angry that we went to a foster home, and they couldn't keep us. I was angry that we were adopted to a Bible thumping fat psycho of a cow. I've been abused  mentally, physically and sexually most of my adult life. I blamed my mother for my angry feelings. I Finally realized, through lots of trial and error with my own children that my life is based on what choices I make. My mother messed up and made poor choices and a few of those choices could have resulted in my death as a toddler, but then I realized that after her, I made my own choices, and I had to be accountable for MY own choices.

Am I saying that her choices didn't hurt? Do you hear me saying "It's ok"

no... but what I do say is that I don't have time to be angry and spiteful anymore. Forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about yourself, and your own mental health.

I have been mentally fucked up all my life, and that probably won't ever change, but it goes way beyond my biological mother...

it includes the choices I made for myself. I have worked hard at stopping the blame game. I tell my kids all the time that after they grew up they had the ability and knowledge to make their own choices.

That's what made me realize that my biological mother didn't ruin my life.... MY CHOICES ruined my life.
 
For as long as I can remember, I was angry. I was angry that my mother did stupid shit and went to prison. I was angry that we went to a foster home, and they couldn't keep us. I was angry that we were adopted to a Bible thumping fat psycho of a cow. I've been abused  mentally, physically and sexually most of my adult life. I blamed my mother for my angry feelings. I Finally realized, through lots of trial and error with my own children that my life is based on what choices I make. My mother messed up and made poor choices and a few of those choices could have resulted in my death as a toddler, but then I realized that after her, I made my own choices, and I had to be accountable for MY own choices.

Am I saying that her choices didn't hurt? Do you hear me saying "It's ok"

no... but what I do say is that I don't have time to be angry and spiteful anymore. Forgiveness is not about the other person, it's about yourself, and your own mental health.

I have been mentally fucked up all my life, and that probably won't ever change, but it goes way beyond my biological mother...

it includes the choices I made for myself. I have worked hard at stopping the blame game. I tell my kids all the time that after they grew up they had the ability and knowledge to make their own choices.

That's what made me realize that my biological mother didn't ruin my life.... MY CHOICES ruined my life.
 
I've always been aware of the scar on my face and the burn scar on my finger tip. I never really knew how it happened but I remember telling people a story about how I was "trying to see if the stove was hot" It never made sense to me why I would have done that with MY FACE. Memories are strange.

During a Fire Drill many years ago I was called Phantom of the Opera, and Scarface. Apparently a quick change in temperature had caused the scar tissue on my face to turn white. I was never really aware of how large the area was.

Recently I have been in contact with my Mother. I had asked her why I was on Anti Seizure medicine and figured I would also ask why I had a burn scar on my face. She told me she remembered that day very well. She was still asleep when my older sister woke her up screaming that I was on fire.

I had taken my mother's lighter, rolled up a piece of paper and lit it. My face and hair was on fire and she told me she smacked it out with her hands. The doctor told her I would heal with minimal scars.
So now I look closer at my face, and I see the slight abnormality in my upper lip.

Mother said it was a wake up call for her, but admits the wake up call only lasted a short time. Alcohol and Pills were her downfall. Even my face burning wasn't enough to change her behavior. Now here I am, 45 years old dealing with my emotional scars all over again.

I openly speak about my past now because it helps me move on, and I hope that someone might read about my situation and it might just save a child from going through what I went through. You might think I would be angry, but i'm not. A little shell shocked, but anger will get me nowhere.

I think back to the times when my kids were little, my daughter loved lighting things on fire. I would come home to burn marks on the counters and burns in the carpets.It got to the point where I had to hide every lighter and match from her. No, I wasn't asleep or drunk, she would do this while I was working.

Tragic things can happen in just moments. Things we never thought would happen, we never meant for it to happen ..and things we wish we could take back. Intentional or unintentional, neglect is something that happens on a daily basis in many homes. It is often overlooked and brushed off as no big deal.

So if you know me personally and you say I "freak out" about little things, try to remember I came from a very bad place and I never learned to properly cope. My physical scars are minor, but my emotional scars are deep. I was only a Toddler when I was burned.

Memories are strange, and our minds very often create alternate endings because it is how we protect ourselves. But if you are a parent, myself included, we need to be aware of our actions and aware that children DO remember. Make this world great again. It starts with the children.
 
First little Indian given away at birth


Struggles all her life to find her worth


Resents little Indains three four and five


But they didn't even know she was alive


The sixth little Indian was always so sad




Because  mother was always drunk and mad


the second little Indian was unknown until now


I'd like to find her but i don't know how.











 
I am your best friend, your wife and your confidant.
I support you, I love you and I care for you.
With my help and support you are able to live your life.
With your guidance and support I am able to live mine.
I am your caretaker and you are my champion.
I never realized my true strength, until I witnessed yours.
There will never be me without you, or you without me.
I don't have wings and you have no cape,
But we are heroes to each other.
Always you and always me,
But always you before it's me
 
Your writhing body

Propelling into darkness

The empty chasm

Fills with tears falling

Into the nothingness

Where are you? 

I struggle to find you

I know you're there

Why can't i see you?

The sadness consumes me

Constricting my heart

The suffocation

IT HURTS...........

 
"Thoughtful"
 
How do you break the cycle when you don't know where it began?

Why is it always up to the next person? 
Where is YOUR accountability?

Being an adoptee has always had a negative impact on me.  I could never understand how my biological mother could have lost five out of six children to adoption. 
But eventually I found myself in a similar situation. After years of physical and sexual abuse (story for another time) I found myself on the run and eventually finding sanctuary in Ohio with friends. I was eight months pregnant and in labor due to being chased through the streets of Detroit by my ex with a butcher knife (dubbed "norman"). My "friends" convinced me that I needed to make a better life for myself and my daughter. I had no real family to speak of, no job and was not prepared to care for another child alone. So I joined the military. I gave up all custody of my beautiful boy because I thought I had no other choice.  This is a decision I've regretted ever since. Being adopted myself I never thought I would have made a similar choice as my mother. I tell myself that my circumstances were different and I had no other options. But is that really the truth?  And I too never put 100% effort into relocating the family who adopted him. After I returned home to Arizona they went incognito. I did eventually track him down but he had no desire to be a part of our lives. The choice to give him up still haunts me today. For many years I felt unworthy of being a parent and felt I never deserved any more children. So, it's easy for people on the outside looking in to say "break the cycle" when they've never been in the cycle themselves. 
 
I was scared walking down that long dark road, even if i wasn't alone. I was still terrified of the dark at age 14. Evil existed in my world and I believed in the "boogie man", he could be lurking anywhere in the dark forest that lined both sides of the road.Little did I know then, I was going to meet my very own boogie man soon enough. But even with my fears I talked two of my friends from the group home to run away with me. I  had a knack for convincing the other kids where i lived that running away would finally allow us to be free to do whatever we wanted, and as a teenager that is all i ever wanted. Truth be told it was scary and tiresome trying to find a place to sleep and finding food to eat.

Every noise in the woods terrified me, my heart would beat so hard i could hear it in my ears. Cars passed us and we would stick out our thumbs out in our feeble attempts at hitch-hiking. Of course there was always the fear the one car that would pick us up would contain the staff from the group home, but even that didn't stop us. Eventually however, a couple stopped and picked us up. They asked where we were from and where we were going. They had heard of the group home we ran away from and stated that they had picked up kids that ran away from there before. At that age we didn't see the red flags in that, we were happy to not be walking any longer. 

The couple brought us to a trailer where a couple of them lived I assumed.We were offered marijuana and alcohol and a place to crash. We took them up on their offer. I was quite taken with the man that lived there, I believe he was called Tom. Tall, blonde, handsome, and a lot older . He was 21. Looking back on it all now I realize this man was a predator. However at age 14, being a runaway, and under the influence of drugs and alcohol, I was enamored by him. Many of the evenings events have been forgotten over the years, but when the partying had reached its peak my friend and I found ourselves in the bed with Tom. I was a virgin. I believe my friend was also. 

At age 14 i lost my virginity to a 21 year old man! When he was done with me he rolled over and proceeded to have sex with my friend. This back and forth session happened throughout the night. I remember cleaning the blood off me wondering if I had started my menstrual cycle or if it was from my first time with a man. Growing up in the State system I often learned things through trial and error, as there were no examples in a home life to follow. The next day I remember thinking foolishly that this guy was now my boyfriend. Foolish thoughts of a very foolish 14 year old. Instead of him being my "Prince Charming" I found out that day that Tom had a fiance'. Also later that day we were discovered in that same trailer by the local police and returned to the group home from which we had run away from only days before. I had a phone number though, I tried to call a few times after I got picked up. Tom never answered. Years later it dawned on me, I lost my innocence to a predator. I consider myself very lucky that my story didn't end worse than what it had. I ended up in a drug treatment center with a new "prince Charming" in my sights. 
 
Growing up I felt so alone
Although my sisters were there
I was so young when they took you away
I could only stand and cry
There was so much I wanted to say
But I was barely five
I don't know what you did so wrong
But you never did come home
Mama why did you have to go
And leave us there all alone
We were only babies then 
When they came and took you away
Things have changed so much since then
But there are things I need to say
Mama I don't hate you
I love you even today
I just wish I knew why 
You threw us all away
I sometimes wish you fought harder
To get us back with you
But maybe you didn't realize what you had to do
Sacrifice and compromise
Two little things we do
Being a mom is not easy
I now know that too
With two small children of my own
I do what I can do
Sacrifice and compromise I would have done it for you
The pain has never left me
The anger is still there
When I saw you didn't fight 
I knew you didn't care
You left your family torn apart
Not even looking back
Three little girls all alone
Each holding their broken heart
We should have been the choice you opted 
But we were last on your list
I gave up when we were adopted
But you were always missed
Please remember I loved you
No matter what I say
I know my words will hurt you
And I don't mean to because you pain
But tears have run throughout my heart
Ever since that day
Sacrifice and compromise
Two little things we do
Sacrifice and compromise 
I would have done it for you
My soul might never forgive you
My mind says I don't care
I only tell you what is true
I hate that you weren't there
My life is very different now
I've grown and learned some things 
You weren't there to show me
I had to fail to earn these wings
But truth be told to you dear mom
Without you there would be no me
But this is not forgiveness
That I may never give
And although I love you no less
These words allow me to live
Each line releasing a feeling
Every word my testament
A simple way of dealing
With the hurt that never went
Sacrifice and compromise
Two things most moms do 
Sacrifice and compromise
I would have done it for you
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