Carved from the Heart
My Uncle lost his only son to an overdose of drugs while he was traveling on the Alaska Marine Highway in the 1990's.
Heart broken by his loss, the turned to the only thing that he's had a passion for most of his life, carving. The design was made and took about a year to complete. There's a program called "Heartbeat Alaska" that has a DVD for sale.
Well, he passed away on Saturday, it's been heart breaking because his illness was misdiagnosed for many months and by the time they found the lung cancer, it was already in stage 3/4 and advancing aggressively. He lived in Craig most of his live but came home often; so my son knows him (my son is 9 now) and he's taking it quite hard. I don't know how to handle that. He was tearful as I was taking him to school this morning so I think I"m going to pull him out of school starting tomorrow and the remaining of the week.
 
"Okay strained"
 

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I don't know if the sound came through because it didn't come through on playback but I"ll submit anyway just in case --------------------------I JUST NEED TO VENT
 
So, I just took 40 mg of valium -do I need to worry?
 
It's been an inteseting, intese few weeks.  Along with continueing financial ups and downs, comes the emotional struggle that comes along with it *at least for me* e 

I've been "stable", I've flown of off the handle, I cut my wrists when iu distress, angry, frustrated to gain control of my emotions.  The thing I noticed that this last time I cut (a coupld days ago, it DID NOT relieve the stress I was feeling and that's scary.  Usually there's this sense of reliece AFTER I've cut my wrists or whatever but this last time, I had to cut a lot more than I usually do, there was more blood than there usually is.


I write this here because really, no one in my life knows I jot down every thing in my brain when I blog here. Whether it's good or bad because really most of my family will "google" me and look for the different places I post and I think the last time I check, when one runs a search on my name, this site doesn't come up; and if it does, I would clear all my posts.  Seriosly, If I wanted THEM to know every little thought in my brain, I would tell them,  ya know?!
 
Ended up in the ER 3 times last week with broncitis and severe allergy attacks, to what, we couldn't figure it out. Fun fun --- not really. Freaks me out when I can't breathe:-/
 
"okay"
 
Just had the first of my Dr's appointments - one to go. Things went well, whatever was going on with my respiratory last week, the antibiotics and other thing we tried, worked. Whew.

I had a hard time sleeping, because I went to nap after dinner.

right now I'm watching "missing mom's" and the Julie Gonzales case - Dr. Phil "Are you suicidal? Do you think you could harm yourself" George: "I have tried in the past" [inaudible to me]. Dr Phil: "Because if you are, then I would like to know so I could get you some help." I don't know how m any time I've been asked 'Can you promise me that you won't hurt yourself and I would say, 'Yeah, sure okay'. and then within 72 hours, I would either OD or cut myself - in the worst parts of severe depression, I don't care WHO YOU ARE you truly cannot think straight. Because of my personality, ALLLL my life (earliest recollection when I was 12) people have confided in me about very personal details of their lives and help them through - while the whole time I myself I struggle daily with self harm, suicidal ideation - even today. I "made a mistake' last week - a BIG mistake that I have to deal with and I'm not sure how it will all play out. The next night after my mistake, I added a fresh cut that I don't know if anyone saw because of the choice of clothes.
 
"tired"
 
Pretty Med-ed up right now - been pushing med all afternoon, getting pretty sleepy right now. Called the Er and they said they can do nothing but ADD another dose of narcotics, which will make me run out early, so I added another dose today and quadrupled the other meds until i go to sleep
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