Well, It was snowing great out, light, cinsistant so I decided to take the car for a spin in the already 3" of powder.  The weather had forcasted warmer weather and rain witin a 36 hours.  It was 3 in the in the mornin but what the  hell. the guys were already asleep, I was wide wake so why not.  I had been battlin depression for days and I THOUGHT that going out in the snow which I LOVE to play in, would help me.


Wrong.  this week we'll be coming up to my deceiced newphews woud have been 25th birthday, which I only had realized that afternoon :*((  So the more I swelt on him, the more depressed I became....duh.  He was such a kid, LOVeD to fish up i Kenai, specialty was Reds!! Yum.  the last time he came home here toe Met was about 5 years.  Developed an abcess tooth and ended up having work done.  He was in a lot of pain and he said "His dad wasn't much comfort" so he came here to rest and let his meds kick in.  He was no small kid, 6' 2"; 260+-, football player.  So he kicked out on my couch for a few  hours while I tended to his gausa changes and water rinse. Aaaaanway. that was the las time he was in  my home, wish it was under better circumcstanes. 


Also earlier this week, my husband and i got into a fight over $$$ who doesn't, right and if you say "not us" you are lying or not married long enough.  Anyway, it was the first time he said "Maybe I should just up and leaver you."  That shut my mouth because in 16 years, he has NEVER said that no matter how many times we fought.  EVER.  So with all this jumbling in my mind, I decided I didn't want to live anymore. I fumbled through my purse to see if I had any meds (I usually carry) but had none.  I had been driving for abou half an hour by now and feelign worse by the minute.  So I again, went into my purse to see if I had my gun (I usualy carry that too); but I had taken it out the day before and cleaned and oiled it.  But this time I was at the end of my nightly rope.  AS A LAST RESESORT, I called my brother, who is a Paster.  My go do talk to.  Well. I told him everything I had gone through thoughout the day and he offered his best adise and brotherl ear. I think this particular night I was severely intent on killing myself.  I kept making my argument and wasn't listening to anything he had to say.  I was mad, sad and saw now way out. And I've gone through this so many times that I've heard all of his rebuttles.  By now, I'm to the point that when I do this, the ONLY people that would really miss me are my husban (or a while) my son and my grandsosn.  My soon to b3 30 year daughter will adust, never calles, doesn't want me to watch the kids (8 and 10) after school - now their Mom won't even let them come by after school for an hour and a half.  WTH MFL