Well...like I said,changed my meds.  I fell useless, invisible, ignored.  I don't understand, I have a husband who's supported me through hell and back, a wonderful 11 year old son, a soon to be 30 (in May) daughter, 9 year old grandson, 12 year old granddaughter and 8 year old granddaughter who ALL to to spend time with me, hop on my knee and as soon as they're in my house and chat and chat and chat.  


The finiances aren't great since I had to stop working when my son was born, heart attack, ICD placed after that. Removed ICD 3 months ago because my problems are not cardiac.


I do nothing but sit around the house all day trying to fil my time.  For a while, I was picking up the houe like most wifes/moms do - socks, dirty clothes, toys but in spite of my constand reminding my husband and my son to put away after themselves - 16 years an they still don't know how.  My husband offered to send me to town to get balloons and streamers for Isaac's birthday tomorrow.  I didn't want to go because I would have bought my vodka not caring if it made anyone mad - my daughter to be specific.  She never comes to see me, never tell me what goes on in her life - took her a couple months to tell me that she kicked her husband out of the house, when I already knew.  


Next week is supposed to be my 50th birthday - I don't want to celebrate it, don't want the textx, calls, FB posts or anything.  It's their ONE time a year people decide they "should" call.  Well, except Mary, she's always called me when she needs help, andi call her too.


So still want to die but gotta get through tomorrow for my sons 11th birthday first