Well, It was snowing great out, light, cinsistant so I decided to take the car for a spin in the already 3" of powder.  The weather had forcasted warmer weather and rain witin a 36 hours.  It was 3 in the in the mornin but what the  hell. the guys were already asleep, I was wide wake so why not.  I had been battlin depression for days and I THOUGHT that going out in the snow which I LOVE to play in, would help me.

Wrong.  this week we'll be coming up to my deceiced newphews woud have been 25th birthday, which I only had realized that afternoon :*((  So the more I swelt on him, the more depressed I became....duh.  He was such a kid, LOVeD to fish up i Kenai, specialty was Reds!! Yum.  the last time he came home here toe Met was about 5 years.  Developed an abcess tooth and ended up having work done.  He was in a lot of pain and he said "His dad wasn't much comfort" so he came here to rest and let his meds kick in.  He was no small kid, 6' 2"; 260+-, football player.  So he kicked out on my couch for a few  hours while I tended to his gausa changes and water rinse. Aaaaanway. that was the las time he was in  my home, wish it was under better circumcstanes. 

Also earlier this week, my husband and i got into a fight over $$$ who doesn't, right and if you say "not us" you are lying or not married long enough.  Anyway, it was the first time he said "Maybe I should just up and leaver you."  That shut my mouth because in 16 years, he has NEVER said that no matter how many times we fought.  EVER.  So with all this jumbling in my mind, I decided I didn't want to live anymore. I fumbled through my purse to see if I had any meds (I usually carry) but had none.  I had been driving for abou half an hour by now and feelign worse by the minute.  So I again, went into my purse to see if I had my gun (I usualy carry that too); but I had taken it out the day before and cleaned and oiled it.  But this time I was at the end of my nightly rope.  AS A LAST RESESORT, I called my brother, who is a Paster.  My go do talk to.  Well. I told him everything I had gone through thoughout the day and he offered his best adise and brotherl ear. I think this particular night I was severely intent on killing myself.  I kept making my argument and wasn't listening to anything he had to say.  I was mad, sad and saw now way out. And I've gone through this so many times that I've heard all of his rebuttles.  By now, I'm to the point that when I do this, the ONLY people that would really miss me are my husban (or a while) my son and my grandsosn.  My soon to b3 30 year daughter will adust, never calles, doesn't want me to watch the kids (8 and 10) after school - now their Mom won't even let them come by after school for an hour and a half.  WTH MFL
4 days in and so far, it's been terrible!  Well, it's been a rough start this year.  We've had so many deaths in our little 1,400 populated comunity and it is just too much in one month!  2 suicides, 2 natural causes, 2 lost at sea within the past 10 days.  I'm not kidding :(  

I've been so stressed, strained, sad, mad, confused all at once and in multiple intervals.  Yes, I've seen my psychiatrist and she's increased my valium out of necessssit.  Increased mood swings, increased intrusive thoughts, increased suicidal ideation.  It's taken a few days of adusting the meds but within the past 15 hours I've felt a marked difference in my mood. stopped threatening divorce and "up and leaving" ..... unless of course we win a gazillion dollars, this will be home base :)

Though the Coast guard has susspended it's search for the two men, though they found the turned over skiff and a life jacket (at a different loction) - at least that gives our locals an area to seach.  Being an island, this is not the first time that we've lost people to the sea.  We have a Memorial downtown with names, *including my grandmother* .....these past several days have just been painfully sad.  that doesn't even completely convey how intense my feelings are, but that's the best I can describe - intensely sad.
So, I've been trying to update my profile pic with no luck.  It allows me to delate my old one, but when I try to upload a new one, nothing happens.  Oh well, at least you can't see my ugly face.

So today ended with a bang.  My Mom ended up in the ER just before dinner, blood suger, blood pressure out of control, Dad's hard of hearing and my younger sister couldn't be there so I went up.  By the time I got there, they had given her "meds'" to lower her sugar and her pressure.  One blessing about this small little hole in the world is that everyone knows everyone.  The attending nurse knew me from my many visits so I was able to ask him about what exact meds they gave her (after getting Ma's perission) he filled me in on what they did.  She had color and was talkative like her old self so I knew she was feeling better.  THEN i found out that she confessed that she hadn't taken her meds since November!!! Argh!!!! I know Dad gives her shots before meals. I dunno though, we just found out her older sister has cancer (news came late last week) so I don't know if she's giving up or not.  She's always talked about "wanting to die like in the old days - at home with family" ; no medicine or whatnot.  WTD

I also got another call from Behavioral Health and they want to see me for an  hour on tuesday - fun fun.  Maybe I shouldn't tell them I'm stock piling meds and cleaned my pistol, huh.  Eh.

Well...like I said,changed my meds.  I fell useless, invisible, ignored.  I don't understand, I have a husband who's supported me through hell and back, a wonderful 11 year old son, a soon to be 30 (in May) daughter, 9 year old grandson, 12 year old granddaughter and 8 year old granddaughter who ALL to to spend time with me, hop on my knee and as soon as they're in my house and chat and chat and chat.  

The finiances aren't great since I had to stop working when my son was born, heart attack, ICD placed after that. Removed ICD 3 months ago because my problems are not cardiac.

I do nothing but sit around the house all day trying to fil my time.  For a while, I was picking up the houe like most wifes/moms do - socks, dirty clothes, toys but in spite of my constand reminding my husband and my son to put away after themselves - 16 years an they still don't know how.  My husband offered to send me to town to get balloons and streamers for Isaac's birthday tomorrow.  I didn't want to go because I would have bought my vodka not caring if it made anyone mad - my daughter to be specific.  She never comes to see me, never tell me what goes on in her life - took her a couple months to tell me that she kicked her husband out of the house, when I already knew.  

Next week is supposed to be my 50th birthday - I don't want to celebrate it, don't want the textx, calls, FB posts or anything.  It's their ONE time a year people decide they "should" call.  Well, except Mary, she's always called me when she needs help, andi call her too.

So still want to die but gotta get through tomorrow for my sons 11th birthday first
I am so sick and tired of life.  

Went to see my doctor yesterda, changed up some meds - well, added a new med to see if it would help with my "fits" i guess you wou ld say.  Even my husband is getting tired of my tearfulness.  Buspirone and indomethacin for the pain.  Been dealing with the chest pain for a 13 days now..  FML. no one cares.. 506 days sober, 148 days no cigarettes, who cares.  WHO CARES
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