Alexandra and Katherine resent me holding them accountable for their mishaps. I am not very good at sugar coating things. I call people out. I am quite good at backing someone into a corner and making that person feel completely offended and inadequate.

I finally have come to the realization this may help me feel better for a few moments, at the great expense of my relationship with the person subjected to my miserable argument. Like many of my BFO's (Blatant Flash of the Obvious), changing this dreadful practice of mine requires serious change on my part.

Dr. Phil is a well-educated, professional psychologist. Me: I think I know it all after my college psych 101 class!

Interestingly, I have always treated Nathan and Leilah very well. I am exceptionally careful of how I discipline and correct the children. I seek out successful parents and inquire about what they did to mold and create successful adults - including Dr. Phil and Robin. Their books are most helpful.

I have noticed one particular common denominator among successful parents - the parents are respectful of each other and value each others thoughts and contributions. Even when the parents don't agree on how to handle a particular situation, they do not argue about the issue in front of their children.

I think Alexandra and Katherine are occasionally resentful of how Marty and I care for Nathan and Leilah. Marty and I interact with Nathan and Leilah on a closer level than we did with Alexandra and Katherine when they were little girls.

Lastly, I think Alexandra is angry with me because she considers me a hypocrite. Fair enough on her part. I rationalize my choices: I am older, I have suffered more, paid my dues, and it is payback time. Erin, the great martyr. Uhmm, no. Glory!

I love Alexandra and Katherine very much.  So, it is very distressing for me to see them fight and argue. I want them to get along. I want them to be best friends! Both young women are expert masters of giving unsolicited advice as to what is best for the other. Hhmm, this sounds familiar...

Recently, Katherine and I had a huge argument, she said some very ugly things in a desperate attempt to hurt and anger me. She was successful. She has learned well. After giving some calm thought to our argument, I realized I created a young woman who is held captive, like her mother, by nonsensical personal beliefs (lies).

In my selfish busyness of trying to portray the perfect image, I betrayed my precious girls by not allowing them to be their authentic selves. I work hard for things that are never enough, that will never fill me up and are endlessly insufficient. Why do I waste time, money, effort and peace on things that do not satisfy my soul?

I spend my time trying to manage everyone's life when my own life is a complete mess. I think I am so frustrated with my family. I think I cannot stand another minute of Alexandra or Katherine's lies. The reality: I must stop finding fault with everyone around me and take a good look at myself. I am confined by my self-delusional thoughts that I am better, smarter, and stronger than most people.

As Dr Phil would say: "How's that workin' for ya?"

Realizing my issues are only half my battle. I feel so humiliated about the pain and anguish I have caused my daughters.  I can't take back stupid!

I am, however, hopeful! Dr Phil and his staff are committed to helping us be successful in all aspects of our lives. He has opened many resources for our family.

Alexandra's attorney, Curtis Fallgatter, is a remarkable man of extraordinary intelligence. His tireless work ethic and generous, respectful manner are creating an environment for victory.

Alexandra and I are in professional counseling. I would love to say it easy and we are making great progress. The truth is, it is hard work for both of us. We are committed to getting better even though we still fuss and argue. Thankfully, our counselor, Kathleen Abbott, is a truly amazing, and discerning woman.

With Dr. Phil's help, I am optimistic Katherine will make great strides towards anger management, internal motivation and independence. Katherine wants to live on her own, but she is not quite ready for totally independence. Dr. Phil has some great ideas on helping Katherine transition into successful, self-sufficient living.

I know this will come as great surprise to some of you that I did not require enough from my daughters and overindulged them.  As a result of my constant rescuing them from any discomfort and challenges, Alexandra and Katherine are prone to tantrums when things don't go their way.  I have done them same with Marty.

Marty grew up with three older sister and a mom who catered to him quite a bit. So, Marty is used to being the center of attention with his needs and desires attended to quickly.  I have a tendency to anticipate peoples needs, sometimes before the people know it themselves. Great combination....right? Right....

This worked great for a while, until I got worn out. I realized I was cheating my self and my family by trying to fix everything and not allowing anyone to experience frustration. If anyone did experience something difficult, I gave that person and their tantrum too much focus and attention. As a result, the great controller (me) ended up being controlled by everyone else.

Katherine is exceptionally adept at influencing and maneuvering her situation. She usually keeps her blow-ups within the family, although friends have been on the receiving end of her tantrums. After examining tantrum behavior, I find it interesting to note how child and adult's tantrums are so similar. I looked up tantrums and found the following excerpt:

Full-blown tantrums can vary: rushing around in a room, wild and screaming, so out of control anything movable that happens to be in her path will be knocked flying. If you do not protect her, she may even crash into solid walls and heavy furniture. She may fling herself on the floor, writhing, kicking and screaming as if she were fighting with demons. Anyone who gets within range is likely to get kicked -- so be careful if you try to pick her up. She may scream and scream until she makes herself hoarse; makes herself retch; even makes herself throw up (Written by author Penelope Leach).

Dr. Phil was so calm and even during Katherine's raging tantrum. I was extremely impressed, once again, and I learned how to handle Katherine going forward.

Here is my take on caring for a two year old & 19 year old together:

Teenagers and Toddlers:

• Test limits and push boundaries
• Vacillate between demanding independence requiring lots of love, hugs, kisses, and reassurance.
• Argumentative, even when they agree with you, an imprudent way of retaining perceived control.
• Easily frustrated because they are not understood, i.e. tantrums.
• Not as skilled as they think they are.
• Need lots of sleep.
• Sleep at wrong times, too much during the day and not enough at night.
• Oh, how I will relish a night of not waiting to hear the front door open and close and/or the monitor going off with a crying toddler at 3:00 a.m.!
  

It is a new year filed with promise and hope. New trials and tribulations will also arise. I try to keep my mind open; you can stop laughing now. I am not always successful.  My goal is to do what is best for my family and myself.

One of the best things about being a grandparent is time, patience and hopefully, more knowledge. Right now I am parenting my grandchildren. I wish I could just spoil them and return them back to their parents, but this is not the case.

Leilah's grandmother, Cheryl, and I have a good "co-grand-parenting" relationship. This is not to say we don't have disagreements, and we never get frustrated. However, Cheryl and I both know our granddaughter's well-being comes first before our adult children (emphasis on children).

So, Cheryl and I suck it up and make things work, even when we don't feel like it. The person who suffers when Cheryl and I do not work together is our granddaughter. Both Nathan and Leilah have uncanny radar that picks up on the slightest stress in adults.

As a single mom, Cheryl raised two boys. She is not afraid of hard work; she is quiet, brave and strong. She does whatever it takes to help Leilah. We both realize we made mistakes raising our children; Cheryl and I use this knowledge by making healthier choices for our grandchildren.

Dr Phil stressed the importance of Cheryl and I working together for the common good of Leilah. We do not have to live together or agree with each other; we do have to respect each other, listen to each other and work through problems together. We MUST always find the common ground so we can move forward in our co-grand-parenting.

We will focus on the situation: not on getting revenge (even). Hurting someone to even the score by hurting back is revenge. The problem with revenge is each person does one better; revenge continues increasing until it and we are out of control. Cheryl and I want to be situation-centered, not self-centered, doing whatever it takes to solve the problem.

Our goal is to raise a loving, authentic, self-worthy, self-sufficient, responsible, trustworthy, educated, capable, beautiful young woman. I think we are on our way!

So, Alexandra and Chris wanted to get married. Well, I thought maybe it could work…

Maybe Chris and Alexandra would grow up and figure it out. They had a baby. That makes people grow up, right? Sometimes, I am a hopeless optimist. I wanted it to work, but, deep down, okay, not that deep down, I knew this marriage will never work.

I went along with the plan anyway. This is what Alexandra really wanted; a princess wedding and I knew I would not be able to talk her out of the marriage. I thought Alexandra was in love with the idea of a wedding, not the marriage. I didn’t think Alexandra and Chris truly understood the seriousness of the commitment they were about to make.

Alexandra and Chris are impulsive and both have unrealistic expectations of each other. I truly want to see Chris grow up and take care of his family. Marty and I work hard at trying to help both of them succeed. Marty hired Chris to work for him, this plan did NOT work. Alexandra called me crying about a fight over, what I think was trivial, I told her to work it out with Chris.

I did think the marriage would last longer than two months. Chris was incarcerated January 23, 2009. They were married October 18, 2008. Chris was released from jail September 14, 2009 and the divorce proceedings ensued. I am thankful and relieved Alexandra and Chris are divorced.

I want Alexandra to move on with her life and hopefully make better choices. I do not want her to “settle” because she thinks no man will want a woman with two children. I wish she could see she has the world before her and with hard work she can do anything.

Dr Phil personally called me out of the blue. I was concerned. I was worried. Why was Dr. Phil calling me? He is a very busy man; he does not spend much time making small talk.

Dr. Phil got right to the point: he received a very disturbing letter from a viewer. While he read me the letter, I felt as though I was in a surreal place. Dr. Phil's words surrounded me. An ocean of noise began to roar in my head, I felt dizzy.  I wanted to succumb to this moment, I did not want listen to Dr. Phil. I wanted to let go and just float away...

My heart is truly breaking. I do not want to believe the allegations (although, I feel they are true) that Leilah is in unsafe environment.  I just don't know how I can truly explain all my feelings about this wretched situation.  I cannot even begin to understand how a mother can allow mistreatment to her own children.

Leilah's "stranger danger" is over the top. The terrified scream from Leilah, especially with young men, is so much more than your basic toddler fear of strangers. Leilah does not just hide and cling; she emits a frightening scream when men are even within the same room. People who witness her interaction with men are astounded by her overwhelming fear.

Many of us have an opinion or idea of how we would handle a teenage pregnancy with our child. However, just like all other things about which we make judgments, we really just don't know how we will react until we are that situation. Alexandra's pregnancy at 15 was not even on my radar. I worried about many things: drinking, driving, becoming sexually active, pregnancy was not one of them. I wrote more about that in my Teen Sex Blog, if you want to check it out.

I knew throwing Alexandra out on the street was NOT an option for our family. When my 15-year-old daughter had a baby, I realized she was not emotionally equipped to care for an infant. One of my brilliant ideas was to ensure Alexandra's interactions with Nathan were as pleasant as possible. So, I took over the hard stuff with Nathan. My Monday morning, armchair quarterbacking realizes the mistakes in my previous thinking.

Lastly, I would like to mention my frustration with a lack of "grandparents" rights in the State of Florida. There are none. I am not trying to say grandparents should rush in and take their grandchildren. Children need and want (no matter how horrible the situation) their parents.  However, when parents do not choose well and place their children in harms way, I think it our duty to step in and help in whatever way we can. Marty and I have cared for our grandson nearly his entire life.

Most of the time, Florida acts in the best interest of children; reunification with the custodial parent is the optimal goal. Occasionally, there are a few people within our system who want to place children with their mothers or fathers at whatever the costs.

Sometimes the right thing to do isn't so clear. The task force assigned to Nathan and Leilah work very hard to make sure the children's best interests are served. I know they will determine the best outcome for Nathan and Leilah.

Alexandra's has a unique understanding of parenting. Today, she is here visiting her children. Alexandra does not feel great, (neither do I, but I eat three ibuprofen and suck it up). Alexandra wants to leave early, since she has to get up early to be here for Nathan's 9 am baseball game. (I will be bringing the snacks for the team, Nathan, Nathan's gear and Leilah.)  Earlier today, Leilah wanted to go outside to play, Nathan was watching a movie. Alexandra wanted me to deal with Leilah, who was crying and having a toddler tantrum, so Alexandra could watch the movie with her son. Alexandra said I enable everyone, but her.

If she really wants to be a mother to her children, then she should act like one. If Alexandra does not want to be a parent, then say so! The best gift she can give to her children is honesty.

Here is what Alexandra has right: I do NOT approve of her lifestyle - If you bring children into this world, it is your responsibility to care for them. The children are not responsible for their being here, nor are they capable of caring for themselves. I will certainly not sit on sidelines, when I am fully capable of helping Nathan and Leilah, and I will NOT allow bad things to happen to them.

Nathan and Leilah deserve a warm, safe, loving home. These children are at the mercy of the adults who care for them. They do not have a say so in their future.

I want Alexandra to want her children.

I do not think Alexandra is capable of thinking about how her behavior is affecting her children. To admit she is making poor choices that can affect her children for the rest of their lives is perhaps too much to comprehend. The guilt might be overwhelming for her.

If you are interested in speaking with regarding parenting, Alexandra, Katherine or the grandchildren, please let me know. We are taping a show Monday, November 16th at 9:00 AM PST in Los Angeles.
You do not have to agree with me! I read your messages and consider what everyone is saying.

Please message me.

Thanks!
Erin

I think Dr. Phil demonstrates amazing patience, logic and compassion. The one thing I find a bit frustrating is Dr. Phil not telling Alexandra point blank: "Get rid of Tony!"

Of course, I know this is not the proper way to help someone make healthy choices of their own volition. I get that.

It is very interesting how people get very agitated with strong, forceful women, who plainly speak what is on their minds. I am NOT a good Southern Lady who bats her eyelashes, giggles and wiggles to get my way. I say what I have to say, plain and simple. I know what "Bless your heart" means and it is not nice! How come Dr. Phil can do that and everyone loves him? Sarah Palin, Kate Gosselin and I get crucified? (Please note, I really do not mean to place myself in the same ranking as these intelligent, smart, strong women.)

I appear cold and distant with Alexandra because I am angry about her choices she has made regarding the safety of her children.

The message boards resonate with idea I took Nathan and Leilah from Alexandra and I am holding them captive from her. I am evil, insane and a control freak:

That mother Erin is evil, no doubt about it! deborah213

This woman is an insane, crazy control freak and is the main problem in her daughter's life. Babyprincess

What happened with Alex's pregnancy, it just told me Erin is a drama-loving woman who loves to complain and takes no personal responsibility for her children. Doeigrl

Being raised 100% by grandparents is unnatural, and very undevelopmental mentally and socially to the kids. Saraantiques



So which is it? Ice Queen, cold and manipulating or over emotional drama queen?

Okay! This is NOT about Erin! I am not deflecting, we can deal with Marty, all our issues, and me once the children are safe. Let's all refocus...Nathan and Leilah are the concern. I am sure everyone wants the children in a safe, healthy, warm and loving environment.

Leilah is 22 months old.

Alexandra explained she puts Leilah to bed around 8:30PM and Leilah sleeps until 9:30 the next morning.

Alexandra and Nathan's father had an agreement there would be no unmarried persons living in the home while Nathan was in that home (Alexandra's or Nathan's father). Alexandra chose a man over her son.

Florida is #3 in the country for child abuse and child death. Please watch the news.

DCF and our court system wants to do what is right for children. Too much red tape, politics, good ole boys and lack of money to do the right thing.

A recurring theme: Alexandra should have her children no matter what. Really? Unhealthy choices that create child endangerment must be examined.

Leilah and Nathan do not have a choice about what happens to them. Because of their tender age, they should be everyone's first concern, then Alexandra and Katherine, who are adults.

I want Alexandra to parent and raise her children.  I want to be the grandmother. I have no secret desires to raise Nathan  and/or Leilah. I do not wish to live vicariously through Alexandra, nor do I want a "do over", I want to spoil my grandchildren then give them back to Mommy.

I read the message boards and I am very interested in your Reponses. The past show, 11/02, people really started talking to each other. There is so much passion. People are sharing their pain and success. I think we can all take away something of value from the thoughts and comments presented. Special thanks to canadianna, momisme2, quantummech and the many people messaging each other and the show.

My Pretty Girls!

My Ballet girls!