Alexandra's has a unique understanding of parenting. Today, she is here visiting her children. Alexandra does not feel great, (neither do I, but I eat three ibuprofen and suck it up). Alexandra wants to leave early, since she has to get up early to be here for Nathan's 9 am baseball game. (I will be bringing the snacks for the team, Nathan, Nathan's gear and Leilah.)  Earlier today, Leilah wanted to go outside to play, Nathan was watching a movie. Alexandra wanted me to deal with Leilah, who was crying and having a toddler tantrum, so Alexandra could watch the movie with her son. Alexandra said I enable everyone, but her.

If she really wants to be a mother to her children, then she should act like one. If Alexandra does not want to be a parent, then say so! The best gift she can give to her children is honesty.

Here is what Alexandra has right: I do NOT approve of her lifestyle - If you bring children into this world, it is your responsibility to care for them. The children are not responsible for their being here, nor are they capable of caring for themselves. I will certainly not sit on sidelines, when I am fully capable of helping Nathan and Leilah, and I will NOT allow bad things to happen to them.

Nathan and Leilah deserve a warm, safe, loving home. These children are at the mercy of the adults who care for them. They do not have a say so in their future.

I want Alexandra to want her children.

I do not think Alexandra is capable of thinking about how her behavior is affecting her children. To admit she is making poor choices that can affect her children for the rest of their lives is perhaps too much to comprehend. The guilt might be overwhelming for her.

If you are interested in speaking with regarding parenting, Alexandra, Katherine or the grandchildren, please let me know. We are taping a show Monday, November 16th at 9:00 AM PST in Los Angeles.
You do not have to agree with me! I read your messages and consider what everyone is saying.

Please message me.

Thanks!
Erin

I think Dr. Phil demonstrates amazing patience, logic and compassion. The one thing I find a bit frustrating is Dr. Phil not telling Alexandra point blank: "Get rid of Tony!"

Of course, I know this is not the proper way to help someone make healthy choices of their own volition. I get that.

It is very interesting how people get very agitated with strong, forceful women, who plainly speak what is on their minds. I am NOT a good Southern Lady who bats her eyelashes, giggles and wiggles to get my way. I say what I have to say, plain and simple. I know what "Bless your heart" means and it is not nice! How come Dr. Phil can do that and everyone loves him? Sarah Palin, Kate Gosselin and I get crucified? (Please note, I really do not mean to place myself in the same ranking as these intelligent, smart, strong women.)

I appear cold and distant with Alexandra because I am angry about her choices she has made regarding the safety of her children.

The message boards resonate with idea I took Nathan and Leilah from Alexandra and I am holding them captive from her. I am evil, insane and a control freak:

That mother Erin is evil, no doubt about it! deborah213

This woman is an insane, crazy control freak and is the main problem in her daughter's life. Babyprincess

What happened with Alex's pregnancy, it just told me Erin is a drama-loving woman who loves to complain and takes no personal responsibility for her children. Doeigrl

Being raised 100% by grandparents is unnatural, and very undevelopmental mentally and socially to the kids. Saraantiques



So which is it? Ice Queen, cold and manipulating or over emotional drama queen?

Okay! This is NOT about Erin! I am not deflecting, we can deal with Marty, all our issues, and me once the children are safe. Let's all refocus...Nathan and Leilah are the concern. I am sure everyone wants the children in a safe, healthy, warm and loving environment.

Leilah is 22 months old.

Alexandra explained she puts Leilah to bed around 8:30PM and Leilah sleeps until 9:30 the next morning.

Alexandra and Nathan's father had an agreement there would be no unmarried persons living in the home while Nathan was in that home (Alexandra's or Nathan's father). Alexandra chose a man over her son.

Florida is #3 in the country for child abuse and child death. Please watch the news.

DCF and our court system wants to do what is right for children. Too much red tape, politics, good ole boys and lack of money to do the right thing.

A recurring theme: Alexandra should have her children no matter what. Really? Unhealthy choices that create child endangerment must be examined.

Leilah and Nathan do not have a choice about what happens to them. Because of their tender age, they should be everyone's first concern, then Alexandra and Katherine, who are adults.

I want Alexandra to parent and raise her children.  I want to be the grandmother. I have no secret desires to raise Nathan  and/or Leilah. I do not wish to live vicariously through Alexandra, nor do I want a "do over", I want to spoil my grandchildren then give them back to Mommy.

I read the message boards and I am very interested in your Reponses. The past show, 11/02, people really started talking to each other. There is so much passion. People are sharing their pain and success. I think we can all take away something of value from the thoughts and comments presented. Special thanks to canadianna, momisme2, quantummech and the many people messaging each other and the show.

My Pretty Girls!

My Ballet girls!

Here we are in good times. My beautiful little girl! I could just eat her up! She is so cute! This photo was taken September 17, 1989, Alexandra was 18 months old. She is perfect!

I am sure many parents have heard their children complain one of their siblings is your favorite child because you do this and don't do that.  I love and treat both my daughters for who they are, as individuals, not as the same person.  What I do for one daughter may not be right for the other. My daughters, Alexandra and Katherine are certainly no different.  Alexandra and Katherine have rarely ever been in need of anything.  I find it most interesting whenever I am engaged with one daughter; the other becomes desperate for my attention. I must stop, drop and roll to her immediate need, if not, then, obviously, I love the other daughter more than her.   I hope they can see this when they are older. I certainly hope Alexandra can see this now, as she is supposed to be raising two children herself.


I love Alexandra very much. I am disheartened to hear she thinks I do not love her. Perhaps this is her way of trying to get my attention. Occasionally, I find this thought of hers very interesting. Alexandra must have no idea that so much of my time, energy and money (two pregnancies, one pre-term labor, boyfriends, cars, and a wedding, etc.) are given to her was because I love her. Nathan has lived with Marty and I most of his six-year-old life. Leilah also lives with us now. I suppose, caring for Alexandra's children does not count as my loving her...


This brings me to my real concerns. Alexandra is quite focused on negative comments and the irrelevant: what I think about Tony, I do not like where she lives, or that I love Katherine more than her. Better yet, I am more concerned about her children, Nathan and Leilah, than I am about her. I feel frustrated when Alexandra throws out all these ridiculous accusations.  She is trying to divert attention from the true problems by focusing on petty, unimportant issues.


Let me be very clear about Alexandra's boyfriend, Tony: NO, I do not like him. I think he is uneducated, and unemployed. I think he is insolent, self-centered and lacks ambition, at almost 24 years old; he owns absolutely nothing - not a phone, or even a vehicle.


I made so many mistakes raising Alexandra and Katherine. I feel very guilty about their issues as adults that are a direct result of my poor parenting.


Dr. Phil helped me realize how important it is to articulate my feelings, rather than lash out in anger, making character assassinations, so I can feel better for 30 seconds.


I want Alexandra to learn these things now. The expense of waiting is too high for her children.

I never really talked to Katherine about boys and sex in a sit down, heart felt, serious conversation. Rather it was a series of many quick conversations about how she felt about someone, usually while we were doing something. I am sure some of Katherine's earliest memories of me were stressing the importance of doing well in school, going to college and getting a job she liked and hopefully paid well. Boys, men and relationships were secondary to education. I regret not giving more attention to the relationships & sex part.
I admit I felt incredibly uncomfortable talking about sex with my daughters. I did not know what parts of the "talk" should be discussed and when. At what age do I talk about sex? As a result of my faith, my involvement with my church and working with youth groups, I believed I could "preach" my value system into my daughters. I deluded myself into believing Alexandra and Katherine would completely buy into my ideals and wait until marriage to have sex.


I thought I was controlling both of my daughters' dating and sexual activity with what I call the "Sarah Palin" choice of birth control - abstinence. WHAT was I thinking?


Don't get me wrong: I believe abstinence is very possible. However, I should have discussed birth control and STD prevention along with abstinence. BIG mistake on my part!


I regret not listening to Alexandra and Katherine more carefully. I was NOT paying attention to them. I thought once I instilled the plan to wait for sex until marriage, all was well. No more needed to be discussed. I was stupidly smug!


Most of you know my great idea of abstinence, my poor dialogue with my daughters and believing they would remain virginal until marriage, resulted in my daughter Alexandra, getting pregnant and having a baby at 15. I thought this would pretty much nail down the whole abstinence idea with Katherine. But NOOOOO!

Dr Phil helped me realize the tremendous importance of talking with our children about sex before they become sexually active. Sex happens! Even though, as parents, we may ourselves, be embarrassed; we MUST talk about ALL the consequences of being sexually active. I now find I have to ask my daughters to please HOLD Back on some of the details... TMI, Too Much Information, Girls!


Katherine started liking the "bad boys". That darn apple....Thinking through her love and kindness she could somehow redeem them. We talked about using condoms, being on the pill, and other birth control choices. At first she was quite embarrassed. The more we talked, the easier it became for her to share her heart with me.


Katherine still doesn't make the best choices regarding the men/boys she dates. However, she does know two forms of birth control and STD prevention are necessary.


The subject of sex and its emotional issues must be addressed with our daughters because so many young women view sex with much more intimacy than young men.


Katherine and I continue having our challenges and struggles. We also enjoy wonderful moments of success, compassion, and peace. Thanks to Dr. Phil, our dialogue is more open than ever. We can disagree and still love each!

My daughter, Katherine, was arrested for giving a false statement to police. This is truly a defining moment for me. A flood of emotion washes over me: shock, anger, sadness and guilt. Guilt because I realize I have not done a very good job preparing my daughter for the real world. I thought I had been a good mother - not a perfect mother, by any stretch, but good enough to raise a child that would not get arrested.

Anger because I cannot believe Katherine's stupid behavior and I could be in such denial about her choices.

Sad because my little girl is no longer little and her bad decisions will effect her for the rest of her life.

Shock because this is MY daughter, not someone else's daughter who is in trouble!

Katherine had so many wonderful opportunities, growing up, to help build her character and confidence. Now, I am frustrated and I feel like I have failed Katherine on all accounts as a parent. I want to play the "blame game", but I know better. I regret not holding Katherine more accountable for her choices when she was younger. I regret not explaining to her how being adult means freedom that comes at high price - complete responsibility for your own actions - good or bad.

I have to come to terms with myself, my adult daughter, our relationship and her "not getting it" behavior. What seems so blatantly obvious to me is completely lost on Katherine. The obvious being: don't associate with people who commit crimes, tell the truth, and ask for help when you need it. I realize I cannot "fix" this situation. I cannot make it all better. Even if I can, I know I will not. As hard as it was, Marty and I reject her one free call from jail. Katherine spends the night in jail.

I regret taking home Katherine's friend; leaving Katherine alone in our home with three police officers who were interrogating her. I stupidly ask the police officers to please wait until I return home before anything happens. I return 15 minutes later and Katherine is gone. My heart is breaking and I cry.

I am there, in the early morning, for Katherine during her first court appearance. Not to bail her out, but to show her I love her no matter what. No bail is set. She is released on her own recognizance. After nearly six hours of "processing", Katherine gets into my car. I barely speak to her. I am angry and embarrassed: Katherine's bad behavior is a direct reflection of my parenting abilities. She is definitely scared. Katherine begins yelling at me about how the arrest is my fault because I told her to tell the police what she knew. I explain to Katherine, I love her very much, but I did not make her date Sean or choose her friends. I will also NOT hire her an attorney.

I am fearful Katherine will not truly understand the brevity of her extremely bad choices. I am afraid she will continue on the same course; she will justify her same behavior by telling me she has "new" friends.

Talking to Dr. Phil helps me realize I can love and care for Katherine and also be tough. I do not have give my daughter everything she needs or wants. She will still love me and even have more respect for me because I hold firmly to my values. Dr. Phil also helps me realize no matter how much I do to rescue someone I love, she can still sometimes make very stupid mistakes. I hope this is a wake up call for Katherine. We have a lot work to do, Katherine and I.

 

That's me. Up there on my high horse! See, you knew it right from the start!