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It's been a while since the last time I swallowed my pride and asked for help. I find myself in unchartered territory because for the first time in almost six years I find myself without a man to take care of me.

Recently Tony and I decided to take a break and try to figure out what we each want for our lives, our relationship, and each other. I still love Tony and want a family with him, but for the first time I want more for myself. I want to realize some of my dreams and goals.

I am currently waiting to retake a placement test required to begin the medical assisting program at the local Tech. college. I am currently without a home seeing as Tony and I were living in his mom's house. I have been desperately seeking employment but have been declined over a dozen times due to my background check which shows all my police activity and my two arrests, one for battery (from a long time ago) and the aggregated assault charge I was wrongly accused of. When I begin school, however, employment will be almost impossible. I will be attending school full time so I can finish the program in 12 months, after which I will take the certification exam and hopefully begin employment.

Every day seems to bring on a new struggle. Some days I feel like there has to be a bigger plan for me, as they say "What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger." So basically I am asking for help, I am on the right path to getting Anthony Jr. back. I want to prove not only to myself, but everyone else I can do it.

~ Alex
 
When Tony first agreed to take the polygraph test I was definitely nervous, not because I thought he was guilty just because it's a serious thing and I just wanted to make sure it's what he wanted to do. I wanted him to take the test, I was all for it, but I didn't want him to feel like if he didn't take it I would hate him. I feel I'm a pretty good judge of character and I believe what he says. I feel like I've known him long enough to believe he didn't hurt Leilah.

When Dr. Phil was meeting with Tony I was a little nervous. When they told me I could come in and join them, I kinda had a bad feeling and then I saw Tony crying. At that point I knew something didn't go right. It was really nerve wracking for me because I believe what Tony says, and now Dr. Phil had something that contradicted him. It was scary for me and I had lots of questions going through my mind. I wanted to know, how come Tony failed?

When I first found out someone wrote a letter accusing Tony of hurting Leilah I was really upset. Tony and I sat down and talked for hours and I believed and felt comfortable with what he told me; however, sometimes I have doubts, because of the test and everything. Even though I believe Tony, I'm still going to keep a close eye on him when the baby comes and we get Leilah back, and things settle down. I plan to keep a closer eye on everything.
 
If Tony really does have to move out of the house, I know it will be what is best for me to get my children back. As difficult as it would be for me personally it's a hurdle in its own right. Without Tony in the house I am sure I would feel lonely and separated. I know that I could still see Tony but not having someone around that I'm used to seeing everyday, going to sleep next to, talking to about my bad day, or having him hold me in the middle of the night because I had a bad dream will be hard not just for me, but for him too. But I know it would benefit my children and that means the world to me as well.

If Tony does have to move out I will definitely be a little worried about faithfulness for us. I mean no matter how much you love, trust someone, temptation is still really scary and can seem so easy and you could slip so easy, especially coming from a family where commitment and loyalty have been tested along the years. Knowing first hand how much it hurts to find out the man that you love, have a family with, said your vows to, cheated still weighs in heavily on every relationship. I guess I have major trust issues, and Tony has never in any way ever done anything to make me think twice about him, it's just hard for me to shake the past. I know that if it comes to Tony moving out I will hold my head high and know that no matter what my children are the most important thing and if Tony really loves me he will be there for me still, even if it's from a far.

Tony and my relationship is nothing like my parents because we still love each other, don't get me wrong I am sure my parents love each other just not the way Tony and I love each other. Tony and I still play, and we continue to do things that help our relationship grow.

With the new baby coming, Tony and I have talked a lot about how we want to parent this child together. I will have to say that the parenting classes that Tony and I had to take really helped us really explore the different parenting styles. I know that Tony will be a great dad I have no doubt. Tony and I have talked about whether or not we plan to use spanking as a discipline or time-out. I am really glad we had to take those classes; they really helped us to open up about parenting.
 
I am sure that most people are thinking to themselves "Oh My Gosh". Well unfortunately I cannot change anything so all I can I do is move forward. Trust me I have gotten my fair share of my own "Oh My Gosh" moments with this pregnancy, because I have been really sick this time around. I do not mean normal morning sickness sick but having to be hospitalized six times for dehydration sick. Finally, I found a medication that really helps and prevents my nausea and vomiting so I can try to enjoy my life a little. The doctors diagnosed me with hyper-emesis gravidarum, which is a severe form of morning sickness, which causes me to constantly be sick without medication. The medication I am being prescribed is called Zofran which has been a miracle.
When Tony found out we were having a baby he almost cried he was so happy. Tony has been supportive and generous. For example, he has ventured out in to freezing temperature to get me something to eat because I mentioned it sounded good. Just the other day we had a check up with the OB-GYN and Tony got to hear the baby's heart beat for the first time, he tried to hide it but both me and the doctor saw the tears well up in his eyes. I know Tony is going to be a great dad. I still cannot help but have fears.
I keep asking myself "what if", like what if things do not work out with Tony, or what if this causes problems for me in court, I have been told by both my attorney and the Family Integrity Program that the pregnancy has no effect on the case, only that Tony will have to complete classes as well as me. I still worry about raising three children, two was hard enough. I just hope and pray that all these classes and new resources I have come by will really help me in providing the best family I can for my children.
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