All my life all I have wanted was to show my mom how good I was at whatever I would be doing at the time, for instance I would make her sit right in the front row for my dance recitals just so I knew she would be paying attention to me. On the other hand, when I rode horses I would want her to be right there so she could see how good I was. When I moved into my apartment, I wanted her to come over and help me hang up pictures just so she would approve of my new home. With both my son and my daughter, I would ask my mom, "Do you think I'm doing this right?" I don't care what my mom says about this, it's the way I truly feel, whenever it comes to me or my sister I always felt like I was on the back burner. When my sister and I were little we would fight and my mom would yell at me and say "Be nice to your sister, you're bigger than she is." I thought it might get better when we got older but damn was I wrong, I have watched my sister call my mom every name under the sun and then leave and about 2 hours later their laughing on the phone. My mother says that my sister's choices only affect her and mine affect the whole family. You would think that getting arrested for lying to the police and destroying evidence doesn't look so hot for my dad in his line of work. My mother is constantly taking up for my sister, I think it is because they are so much alike. When I bring this up to my mom she just diverts it and says well I've done such and such for you trying to justify herself because deep down I think she knows I am right.

I spend about 7 hours of my week in either therapy, parenting class, mental health class, or domestic violence prevention class. During these classes, I will have to say I have really learned a lot about myself and about how to handle events I now know I was not handling the right way. For example, in my parenting class the instructor talks about age appropriate expectations, which are something I never, realized I struggled with until the class discussed the issue. I never noticed that sometimes I expected more from my kids then they were mentally ready to do.

As a young mom, it has been particularly difficult to prove myself to their teachers or their friend's parents. Being young, many people have preconceived notions about how you are going to be. For instance, I will probably be the youngest mommy to join my sons PTO. While he was in day care, I was often asked if I were my son's big sister, I would smile and politely tell them I was his mom. In my daughter's case, I was a little older so I do not feel as much tension when the doctor walks in an sees me standing there. With my son, it was really trial and error at first especially when he was an infant; it took me a little while to learn what each cry meant and how to respond to them.

I know raising children is hard and a lifelong commitment, it does not just end at eighteen, but I am ready to step up to the plate and prove my capabilities and myself as a parent to everyone.

My sister, Katherine, is two and half years younger than I am. We have always been pretty close, but over the past couple of years, I have noticed a huge change in my sister. My sister has always been very stubborn, loud, bold, brave, intelligent and both a leader and follower. She has either led the crowd or been one of the "Lemmings" followings along. In a way, I feel like my sister's recent activities and run-ins with the law are a cry for help. I fear my sister is in a destructive downward spiral and is having a hard time reaching out for help. I feel this way because she is doing some of the very same things I was when I was self-destructing and too ignorant to ask for help, for me it took losing my children to open my eyes to the stupid mistakes I was making. I know it's going to take some time and help for me to get everything in my life straightened out, but I was able to realize my issues and seek the help I needed to fix them. I hit my rock bottom and it was not pretty or fun. I just worry that that is what it might take for my sister to realize she needs help. Smoking pot might not be a big deal to some people but when it starts to affect your life; it's time for some help. Not only is marijuana the only issue but somehow my mother's prescription medication just shows up in my sister's possession. I'm not perfect by any means I just want the best for my sister and the stuff she's getting into right now is not a good path to choose. I wish I could go back and make some changes to the past so that my sister and I are as close as we used to be. I want to help her; she needs someone to help her. I am Katherine's big sister and will always be there to help her no matter what choices she makes or what things she may say, I love her.

This week there was another court date in which my son's father, his attorney, my daughter's father, his attorney, the Department of Children and Families attorney, the Guardian ad Litem (my children's attorney), the case worker from the Family Integrity Program, Curtis (my Attorney) and myself hauled ourselves down to the court house to appear in dependency case. I seriously wish I had taken a couple of law classes in college before I had all this happen; thank God, my lawyer also speaks layman's terms. Anyway, the attorneys took turns arguing about each of positions in the case; and truly I felt like we really didn't  get anywhere because more court dates were established and I ended up being demanded to pay my son's father child support until I was reunified with my son. This is hopefully almost everyone's goal. As Curtis and I walked out of the courtroom he apologized about the court ordered child support, which I know, he had no control over, and explained that if our appeal is accepted that all the other court dates would go away and we would have a trial. That really gave me a little bit more hope than what I had woke up with this morning. But on my way to the truck, I saw my daughter's father, my soon to be ex-husband, walking to the parking lot talking on the phone to his girlfriend  I assumed because he made quite the effort to speak extra loudly telling whomever was on the phone that "Things went well" and "I miss you too, I love you". In which case I laughed a little to myself, got into my truck, and went home. It is funny to think about how people do not know what they have until it is gone and in my soon to be ex-husband's case that is true and I think now he rather realizes that as well. Well I hope things will work out with my appeal, because I really hate high heels.

Last Friday, I got a call from my mother letting me know that my son, Nathan, had gone to live with his father, as the courts ordered. My mother was very upset and rightfully so. She has assisted me in caring for Nathan for all of his six years and me while I was pregnant with him. She had told me that Nathan was very upset about the change and did not understand why his world was changing. My mother also told me that my daughter, Leilah was doing her best to comfort her "Bubba" as she calls her brother Nathan. I began to cry; never in my life would I have ever thought I would have to defend myself as a mother against the State, let alone my own flesh and blood, my mother. I never wanted my children to have to experience the issues I only saw on television shows like being "sheltered" and going to court, or being interviewed by caseworkers. After I hung up the phone with my mother, I thought about how things would be different for me if I had kept my promise to my mom when I was younger and waited to have sex. I love my children, and there are so many things that I wish I could change or do differently, but I cannot hit the reset button. I have to deal with my issues as they come at me. Truly though at the end of the day, I would not change that many things because my problems and choices, good and bad, have made me who I am today, and like it or not this is me. Right now, I am doing everything in my power to reunite my family and make things right for my children. I want my kids to have the best life possible and I will do everything in my power to make that happen.

Christmas is different this year without Nathan and Leilah in my home.

Some of my favorite Christmas memories from growing up.

It has been a little over two weeks since I was able to see my children, Nathan and Leilah. I am currently undergoing investigation with The Department of Children and Families here in my home state. I have been to court, and I am actively complying with all the recommendations and requirements that the courts and department have presented me. I am fighting very hard for my children. I love my kids very much and I admit in my career as a mom I have made some dumb choices and I have been selfish. People tell me how sorry they are and pretend to know how I feel, but if you've never experienced this kind of punishment then you really have no clue. By punishment I mean not being with my children, not tucking them in at night or checking the closet for monsters before bed. I go to bed every night with an empty house. My house used to hold the sound of my children laughing and playing, and now it is quiet and lonely. My children mean more to me than anything in the world that is why I am working so hard on proving my worthiness to the courts. I admit I am nowhere close to perfect but show me someone who is. Where I live we rely on tourism to make job opportunities and with this recession, there are no tourists, so where we live is poor and everyone here is struggling. I try to be strong for my kids; I just really miss them and want to be with them.

It was a Tuesday morning going and I was off to a job interview. I wasn't but two miles from my house and my phone started blowing up, it was my mother, I answered it and she starts screaming at me asking me why I'm on our counties most wanted list for aggravated battery. I rushed home and got on our county jail web site on active warrants and there I was my driver license picture, was the first one in the line up. I got so scared I drove to a place out of county where I knew no one would find me until I got a chance to talk with my lawyer. We all collaborated and decided that the best plan of action was to turn myself in and then I would bond right out. My bond was set at $5,000 dollars and in the state of Florida you only have to put up %10 so my family came up with $500 dollars. So after about thirty minutes of paperwork we hopped into the car and went to the jail. I felt like such a criminal, I felt like "no way this could be happening to me!" So we arrived at the jail and we walk into the front and an officer came and took me into what is called the "Booking Area." As I walked in I had to remove all jewelry and shoes, so I gave the booking officer all my personal effects and proceeded to finger printing and mug shots. Those went by fairly quickly and after that I had to sit in a holding cell for about two hours until then finally called me to process my paperwork--it seemed like an eternity for them to finally call my name to go home. I felt so embarrassed and ashamed I promised to myself then and there that I would never go back to that horrible place.

What do I really want from a man and relationship? I have asked myself these questions so many times during my lifetime. The three years that I was off and on the Dr. Phil Show, I remember the most important thing that Dr. Phil said to me; he told me to "never settle". That has really stuck with me during my career in relationships. I admit I made so many mistakes, like settling and marrying a man that I had a baby with, big mistake! Just because you have a baby with someone does not mean you have to say, "I do". After finally seeing through the haze and realizing, I deserved the moon and the stars I got smart and decided that my happiness is important too. So after all my failed relationships and one failed marriage you could say I was a little bit love bruised. After some time by myself without a man, I wrote a notebook full of things that I wanted and that were important to me in a relationship. A few of them were I wanted my man to have a valid driver's license, a job, I wanted a man that thought I was a princess and treated me like one, I wanted honesty, I wanted compassion and humbleness, I wanted a man to love my children and treat them the way they deserve, with love and affection. Most importantly, I wanted a man that really wanted a family and was willing to try to work hard at making a family work. I was not willing to settle on any of these qualities. If I am going to be happy and my children happy then we all deserve a "good man". Being alone really helped me to be able to be with someone. I hate being alone and I think that, that is the main reason for so many unsuccessful relationship, by learning not to settle. I hope I have saved myself from more heartbreak. My closing thought, what do you really want in a man? Be realistic, but do not settle. Remember you are beautiful and you deserve to be loved the way you want to, so do not make excuses why you cannot have what you want.