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I am sure many parents have heard their children complain one of their siblings is your favorite child because you do this and don't do that.  I love and treat both my daughters for who they are, as individuals, not as the same person.  What I do for one daughter may not be right for the other. My daughters, Alexandra and Katherine are certainly no different.  Alexandra and Katherine have rarely ever been in need of anything.  I find it most interesting whenever I am engaged with one daughter; the other becomes desperate for my attention. I must stop, drop and roll to her immediate need, if not, then, obviously, I love the other daughter more than her.   I hope they can see this when they are older. I certainly hope Alexandra can see this now, as she is supposed to be raising two children herself.


I love Alexandra very much. I am disheartened to hear she thinks I do not love her. Perhaps this is her way of trying to get my attention. Occasionally, I find this thought of hers very interesting. Alexandra must have no idea that so much of my time, energy and money (two pregnancies, one pre-term labor, boyfriends, cars, and a wedding, etc.) are given to her was because I love her. Nathan has lived with Marty and I most of his six-year-old life. Leilah also lives with us now. I suppose, caring for Alexandra's children does not count as my loving her...


This brings me to my real concerns. Alexandra is quite focused on negative comments and the irrelevant: what I think about Tony, I do not like where she lives, or that I love Katherine more than her. Better yet, I am more concerned about her children, Nathan and Leilah, than I am about her. I feel frustrated when Alexandra throws out all these ridiculous accusations.  She is trying to divert attention from the true problems by focusing on petty, unimportant issues.


Let me be very clear about Alexandra's boyfriend, Tony: NO, I do not like him. I think he is uneducated, and unemployed. I think he is insolent, self-centered and lacks ambition, at almost 24 years old; he owns absolutely nothing - not a phone, or even a vehicle.


I made so many mistakes raising Alexandra and Katherine. I feel very guilty about their issues as adults that are a direct result of my poor parenting.


Dr. Phil helped me realize how important it is to articulate my feelings, rather than lash out in anger, making character assassinations, so I can feel better for 30 seconds.


I want Alexandra to learn these things now. The expense of waiting is too high for her children.
Comments
Replied By: ceejaay on Mar 28, 2010, 10:21PM - In reply to jojo13
I have to disagree with children growing up living what they learned.....I am in a very similar situation as Erin with my oldest son...HE DID NOT GROW UP LIVING WHAT HE LEARNED....he is 27 years old, 2 children, divorced, dating girls who are under the age of 20 and allowing them  to care for his children any way SHE sees fit....one child has severe allergies, one child was being starved to death by her parents as an infant...however, my son managed thru his attny to put all the blame for that on his then wife.  He allows girls he wants to sleep with to guide him in how he lives his life.....He has called me the most God awful names, and after leaving his children in my home for a year and allowing me to nurse them back to health and show them the love and attention their parents didn't show them, and to fully and totally support them financially, he ripped them out to go live with a young girl who refused to learn to meet their needs prior to kids moving in...Because these babies were abused and neglected children, my husband and I worked with a Social Worker, Nurse and Nutritionist as well as a pediatrician, dermatologist and allergist to meet these kids' needs, I had no idea how to care for abused and neglected children, I didn't even know what their needs were...I took the time to learn, this girl did not....my son....DID NOT....his children have no idea what happened to us, why were there playing and caring and loving them one minute and gone the next, my son allows me no pictures or contact at all with them....When he took them from my house, they lost everyone they knew and loved EXCEPT their DAD...they lost their home, thier safe place, their Dad lost his job and his car and his insurance....He had that job 7 years and was making almost 20 dollars an hour, and he just let it go so he could spend his evenings home with his new "love".....What about his children?  It disgusts me, and it scares me.....and my heart breaks daily for those kids may be going thru and how the bonds they and us had have been broken, and they might think we didn't love them enough to hang around....my son has cut out all grandparents, their mom, and has them believing the girlfriend is thier mom, they call her Mommy, and her family is their family.....He is lying to his children, I don't feel this even almost ok.  These kids ended up with one of the people who abused and neglected them (medical and court  opinion) and taken from those who loved them and cared for them and made them feel safe and loved.  The mother was ordered to have only supervised visits til they were 18, but my son has allowed contact with the mother, unsupervised once or twice a year...he is trying to keep her from having contact so he can go to court and ask for termination of her rights so the girlfriend can ask the court for permission to adopt them and become their legal mom....this has been his goal for a very long time, and yes, he did tell me that.  These kids are very manipulative, and think they are qualified to punish their parents by using their children, and the law allows this unless the Grandparents have 5000 dollars to even BEGIN to fight in court, and then what would that do to the children....My son knows he has me over a barrell, and clearly does not care that he has taken both sides of his childrens family and roots from them, so he doesn't have to hear about bad choices he is making...
 
Replied By: serenityse on Mar 1, 2010, 3:00PM
Erin, I think you are a phony and very self-centered and absorbed.  Everything with you is "me me me" and that whinning you do.  No wonder your girls are they way they are.  If you were my mother, I would have run away a long time ago.
 
Replied By: mamawjulie on Nov 24, 2009, 10:00AM
I was struck week before last and now this past week with Alex's tearful exclamation that Tony is her "only support system" and that is the reason that she has chosen to cohabit with him at the loss of her son.  What in the Sam Hill does support mean to her? Does it mean sex?  Does it mean that unless someone is sleeping in her bed at night and saying "poor baby" to her self-centered squalling and tears, rather than helping her to find a way to improve her situation through self discipline and basically "growing up".. you are her enemy or don't love her like you should? 

Alex... let's talk straight... love and sex are not the same.  You are allowing yourself a bodily comfort that you cannot afford to have right now.  My best friends are my daughter and sons because they know that I will be honest and straight with them, while understanding that they, as self-supporting adults, have the same rights as myself.  You see... I am leaning heavily on the words "self-supporting".  Because, when you accept financial help, whether than be through having bills paid, autos bought, or children cared for with no help from you... then you are no longer on equal basis with your parents.  You owe them the right to at the very least speak their minds on your lifestyle. 

My last statement is a warning.   You are on borrowed time with this Tony guy, in my opinion.  You have sold out your home, your children, and your reputation to keep him, and I will guarantee you... in short order he is out of there  His entire life has become one of upheaval and problems thanks to you and his lifestyle just does not seem to be solid and responsible enough to be able to "tuff it out" with you.   Then you will, of course, be forced to go back to your family and ask their forgiveness.   I hope it is not too late, but I am afraid that your mom may be forced to taked the tough love track and turn a deaf ear to your plight.  You are now young, attractive and quite able to attract men who are reasonably attractive.  Yet even now, a decent God-fearing  young man who might make a good daddy to your wonderful, innocent children won't be interested .  God knows what kind of abusive, dangerous individual we might see you hooked up with next!
 
Replied By: micatee54 on Nov 20, 2009, 3:16PM
Erin if  I were in your shoes..............and those were my grandchildren ..............I would do exactly the same thing! It is such a shame that Alexandra can not see what her priorities are! You have to be the voice of your grandchildren!
 
Replied By: kpanagakis on Nov 17, 2009, 6:38PM
If you feel so guilty about all your mistakes you made with the girls, why are you continuing to make them?  Why would you take Alex's child away from her?  You are her mother,  where is all the support and unconditional love you are supposed to show your children???  This is not about control.  You are tyying to control the situation.  It is so obvious on the show.  Why are you not talking to your children and opening your heart to them so they can do the same.  You seem so quick to point out all of their flaws.  You are a tyrant.  And where is Marty??  Why is he absent during all of the shows.  Maybe another reason the girls choose horrible men because they have a no show dad.
 
Replied By: jojo13 on Nov 16, 2009, 6:53PM
i only want to say that i think you act fake on the show. i obviously don't know the whole story nor does any other viewer but you seem very cold hearted and phony. you show no emotion towards Alex.  yet you expect her to know how to mother her children when you never showed her what a good mother was while she was growing up. i don't mean to say you didn't do stuff right,we all screw up, but we all know people grow up and  live what they've learned. and if you didn't set a good example how can you expect her to? you should swallow your pride and reach out to your daughter...help her turn her life around. give her her self esteem and confidence back. give her the love she is seeking...you're the parent...you reach out.  grab ahold of her and don't let go....
 
Replied By: dippitydewgal on Nov 16, 2009, 1:28PM
Erin, I feel for you. Maybe other's do not see you in the right light but I do. I can see how doting you and your husband were as parents, I can see the absolute spoiledness Alex had, as well as Kathryn. I can see what some are calling coldness in you when in fact it is not coldness, it is purely " this is what I get for all the years being a perfect parent"...."A kick in the teeth", and you have every right to those feelings. I can see depite everything you do love Alex, I could not sit by her and listen to her speak so hostile to me if I were her Mom. Did all this havoc cause you and your husband to divorce???  I see in Alex where she want everything for herself at any expense. I see Alex using all this crap just to CREATE havoc for you. She is not a mother, she is not even a daughter, she puts herself first PERIOD. I feel Alex will end up one lonely gal. BUT she will blame everyone else for it. I think ALEX has used the Dr. Phil show just to see herself on TV.On today's show ( Nov. 16th 2009 ) Alex stared at you and made a snide remark that YOU knew why all this was happening...it left me to believe Alex had the goods on you, or it had something to do with Alex's Dad....SHE made her little snide snip, and it caused you to talk rapidly to put a stop to whatever Alex was about to blurt out.....ANYONE ELSE SEE THAT?????? Good luck Erin, I have a feeling you are going to be the only mother type impression in those little one's lives.........I am betting Alex is totally using Anthony..I hope he wakes up beofre it is too late for him. Alex is a user... Chris, Tony and there will be other men too!!!!!
 
Replied By: april0054 on Nov 16, 2009, 1:03PM
OMG Erin, i have watched and read.. I feel so bad for Alex, all she wants to to is raise her kids the best way she can. Did you have all this intereference while you were raising her? That poor girl is so confused now and questions her every move. I have been in your shoes, raising 3 of my grandaughters because their mom (In my opinion) wasnt doing the right thing. Now their father have 2 of them and the mother has one. I will tell you what, these girls are doing just fine. I put my differences aside from my ex-son-in-law and we now get along for the childrens sake.. They see grandma and daddy getting along good and it makes them feel good.  My one grandaughter knew neither he nor I like each other, she knew.. When his dad passed away I gave him a hug and told him how sorry I am and I tell you what, that grandaughter never ever forgot grandma hugging daddy. She often asked why I hugged him or askes do you remember when.. I think it was a truning point in her life where she learned  we can get along no matter our differences..Its so hard to be a grandma/parent, its very hard. I now have a baby grandaughter (5 months) to another daughter.  You cant believe the difference I feel and see not having to be a parent to her. OMG what a blessing she is. I babysit her while both parents work and can't imagine a day without her sunshine. This little baby smiles so big at me every single day of her little life because she knows I am GRANDMA. I have watched her since mom went back to work and everyday my son-in-law brings her to my house the first thing I see on her little face is a big bright smile, there is nothing like that wonderful feeling of being a grandma right then.
I think you need to be there for Alex, not be her childrens grandma/parent not  her critic.
Another thing is I dicorced my husband after 22 years and remarried. My ex and I get along so well the children dont understand how we can be exes and have one another over for the holidays and birthdays. You have to let them know you are there. We recently found out my ex has terminal cancer and we all cried so many tears but we are all there No matter what..they are still all my life
 
Replied By: fauxy07 on Nov 12, 2009, 6:32AM
I too got the same thing from my daughter.  She always told me I love my son more than her.   Of course it is untrue but they are both very different people and I treated them as such.  At  24 her jealousy and disrespectful behavior led us to tell her she had to move.  It broke my heart to have to take such a drastic step but we didn't feel we had any other options.  She refused to take responsibility for the problems in her life always blaming everyone else for things that went wrong.  At this point in time she has no contact with us at all.  I pray that in time when she gets her life together she will realize we made the choice we did out of love.  It is heartbreaking to see your child that you have raised from birth get so off track.  Sometimes the best way for them to learn is from their mistakes.  I pray Alexandra will come to see the light and realize her children are more precious and important than a man.
 
Replied By: vro1014 on Nov 10, 2009, 3:52PM
Erin,
I have been following your family throughout your trials.  I have seen you grow as a person.  I have no doubt that you have the children's and Alexandra's best interest at hart.  As a high school guidance counselor I have seen many Alexandra's and a significant number of Mothers who put their boyfriends ahead of their children.  I do live in Florida and know what low standards they put on child welfare.  You will never go wrong if you follow your instincts as a mother.  I also have a four year old grandchild ,and I know i would always do what is necessary to make sure she is okay.  Even though my daughter got dealt with an unexpected pregnancy, she did finish college and married the father.  I didn't always agree with her choices.  However, she stepped up and has become an excellent mother.  She has a college degree and a good job.  The baby's father is a work in progress, but they are trying.  Her child is happy and well adjusted.  She spends every Friday night with me and it is great fun to be the grandparent.  I hope you are able to get to that point.  At this time, stay strong and be there for those children.  Alexandra has some decisions to make.  If her children are a priority it will be the right one.
 
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