Contrary to all those people who say "ADHD does not exist"- I know only too well that it does. Like all other pschiatric  labels we have to understand ADHD as a medical description of astate of suffering. The key feature of this state is a level of disorganisation and inattention so great that the sufferer simply cant find their way out. No matter what they try they become distracted.

I know. I have been there. A year ago my family's situation matched that of Deanna and Jason. Not only myself, but my daughter and son had severe attention probelms.

A combination of proper understanding of the nature of the problem, medication, good coaching advice, and the clear understanding that our children's future's depended on my determination to fight through the problem were essential in enabling our family to break free of the trap. 

I can see that as "ADHD sufferers" we seem self absorbed and careless. It helps for people who have never been in that state to realise this is not how we wish to be- we are aware of our shortcomings and fight as hard as we can to break out of our dysfunction. Sometimes our fighting just makes things worse. It is important for all  to understand that adult ADHD sufferers have such a long track record of failings caused by their ADHD that many have to develop a very thick skin  in order to survive.
Underneath it we are very sensitive people- so much so that fracturing our attention may be a subconscious way of coping with the pain we expereince every day.

It is a lot to ask for in some cases, but to remember that, and to try and couch criticisms gently so that we can emerge from our emotionally defended selves can  set the scene for real change.

I can see that some people would find their religion  a help in a crisis like this- but would also say to those who stress the value of this approach, that many of us simply do not find this approach useful.
Many of us feel personally threatened by some of the harshly judgemental attitudes struck by some of the religious.

I would observe though that learning to dedicate our recovery to others can be of great benefit. In my own case my concern for my children and my wish to cease harming people in my life were as essential as the medication.

After a year, I suspect I am coming to the end of my need for medication. Stimulants are not the whole answer- all they really do is reduce your discractability and make it easier to learn. The real challenge is learning what are the best things to learn. In my opinion those lessons are the centrality of love in human experience, and the need to formally train in mindfulness. I wish Deanna and Jason well- and would remind them that if they weather this crisis their marriage can be transformed for the better by their own determination. Above all- they should have faith in their own judgement- ADHD is a dysfunction of the sensitive.

This message is for Michelle M. and Dr. Phil and staff.  WE NEED A SHOW ON WOMEN WITH ADD.  We have our own unique issues.  Please, please, P L E A S E !  I have asked numerous times.  I am a stay at home mom with 3 kids.  I am not currently taking any meds because they scare me.  My doc prescribed Ritalin, but I have not taken it.  I think some tools to help us without meds would be great.  There must be some techniques.
Read the book, "Women with ADD" by Sari Solden.  Awesome read!  I learned a lot from it.  She is fabulous and she also has ADD.
D.

Yes I have and quite successfully without any medication. But you see it wasn't my success...I owe it all to Jesus Christ my wonderful counselor and healer.  It is when we are weak He is made strong in our weaknesses.  All Glory goes to God.  Our son is doing quite well, no he is not a college graduate, but he is doing what he loves and doing quite well.

there is no such thing as a chemical imbalance in the brain for ADD or ADHD, studies show that the chemicals or drugs used to treat ADD or ADHD actually cause a chemical imbalance in the brain. 

You used the word "I" in most of your statements, wouldn't you as a christian know that it is not "I" who is going to try to overcome your weakness, it is God.  Maybe God gave you this thorn in the flesh to keep you close to HIM, maybe He gave it to you to show you that you cannot overcomes this weakness, but only He can.  Taking medication for this problem will not solve your problem, because over time you will have to up the dosage to make it work for you. 

I am not judging you, I am telling you the truth.  I always thought that non believers use the trump card "don't judge, but I find that it is christians who also use this card when not wanting to deal with the real issues. You do have a problem with self control, but you don't want to admit that weakness to God or anyone for that matter.  I do not say these things to infuriate you, but to help you see clearly from the bible's perspective.  Doctors do not have any measures that measure chemical imbalance in the brain it just doesn't exist.  What you are listening to is psychobabble and buying into the world's system about how to solve your problem. In God's economy HE is the one who will be made strong in your weakness, He is your Healer, He is your Wonderful Counselor.  There is a purpose in your having characteristics that make up the fake diagnosis of ADD or ADHD. 

I speak from experience and I am not callous to your plight. If you will surrender completely no matter the outcome you will see that God will use this weakness in you to show HIs glory.  Christians tend to look to their circumstances instead of keeping their eyes on Jesus. 

I waited too long to separate; my only child is beautiful, responsible, the top in her class and is off to college this fall.  She has never had a boyfriend--she fears her life would end up like mine.  I'm praying she'll be able to let down her defenses to meet a nice boy at college.  It was selfish of me to put my husband first--if I could go back and change it, I would have left him with my daughter in tow.  The best way to make a decision is if it is more painful to stay together than separate, you kind of know that it's time to get your life back.  I have found Daystar TV very helpful in helping me decide and how to feel good about myself.  I hope this advice works for you.  Thank you.

I am curious if you have gotten any results with your husband.  I just posted the "Had Enough" message after being inspired by you kind people.  I am 48 years old and have done everything in my power to make my marriage work every one of those 21 years.  But, my husband will not change and doesn't seem to care if he puts me in tears day after day or for himself that he gets beat up at work, had several car accidents and speeding tickets--I could go on and on.  I wish you all the luck in the world.  I had only wished my husband wanted me bad enough to try to help himself.  But, it is clear that he doesn't, therefore, it is time to try to live again instead of just existing.  I hope Dr. Phil does do more shows on this.  Thank you.

My husband was diagnosed with ADHD and depression 3 years ago.  He was on different medications, but decided they weren't working for him and just stopped taking them without telling anyone.  He also has been to 4 personal therapists, and we have been attending marriage counseling together for 3 years.  I caught my husband cheating on me with prostitutes 3 years ago and forgave him.  I insisted that we get counseling and had him sign a legal contract (it cost me $750 to have this done) that he would remain faithful and get the help he needs.  I never felt like he supported me--I do everything (he can't even make a check out correctly).  He works in construction and gets layed off (a lot recently).  He is hyper-manic and irresponsible.  Things were getting better after the first year of "treatment" and counseling".

I decided that I would re-invest totally in my marriage and we renewed our wedding vows.  Well, that was the wrong thing to do because I basically gave him permission to stop trying.  If you say you are sorry and that you are going to change, there should be a change in behavior, but not for my husband.  The emotional and verbal abuse were getting out of control so much that it was more painful to be with him than to be without him.  Our day consisted of him going to work, coming home, showering, eating dinner and his retreating down to the basement family room to watch TV and would be asleep within 1/2 hour.  I would wake him up to come to bed when I went to bed so he wouldn't wake me up at 2:00 a.m. which is when he could wake up from the couch and come to bed.  If I tried to talk to him, he would be annoyed that I was taking up his time and 95% of conversations would end up as him yelling at me, and my crying and leaving the room.

We have been married 21 years and dated for 5 years.  I went to discuss my marriage with my new minister (we joined a new church).  After I poured my heart out, he basically told me my husband does not love me and has been using me.  He prayed with me that I would be able to acknowledge this.  Well, it didn't take long, that evening my husband yelled at me again, and I ended up kicking him out.  I was through and ready to end this life of misery.  I went to a new lawyer (been there, done that before--but I always backed down saying to myself, "I really want my marriage to work because I loved him") and filed for divorce.  My only child just graduated high school and will be off to college at the end of August.

My husband never changed because he couldn't acknowledge that he had problems, he would pretend that he wanted to make it work (I mean, really, 3 years of marriage counseling once a week to no avail).  He never did the assignments and our doctor told us after the first 6 months of counseling that "It was not me and that my husband would have done this to anyone that he married".  I wish I had listened back then and saved myself 3 years of abuse, abandonment, stress, feeling worthless, used and betrayed.  It was never going to change--why should it when I was letting him have his cake and eat it too.  I know that he has been cheating on me again and my  not wanting to get another STD had a great role in my decision.  The biggest thing to make me see this reality was the minister saying "He doesn't love you".  How humililating--I felt lower than dirt.  It took me 48 hours to start to get out of that hell.  Trust me, the theater of my mind was not a positive place to be during those hours.

Bottom line, ladies, you cannot change what you can't acknowledge and they will never change.  I'm grateful I have God behind me to give me this strength--this is the hardest thing I've ever done and would not wish it on my worse enemy.  Thank you for listening to my pathetic story. 

I came home from work, and as my husband was preparing supper, I noticed the carpet needed vacuuming. Then within a few minutes I noticed a bed not made, so I laid down the vacuum (still running) to make the bed, and noticed the bathroom had wet towels left around, so I moved to there and picked them up (vacuum is still roaring away in the hallway). Then I had to stop and remember what I came upstairs for to begin with - oh yes, to change out of my work clothes and into my 'home clothes'. Then my husband calls out "COME QUICK - Dr. Phil has a show just for YOU!". It was your show about "Divorce caused by A.D.D.", but sadly I soon discovered that the show made it seem as if this was mainly a MALE problem. Oh dear God how those men's stories tore at my heart strings. And when I listened to their wives lament & lament about "how frustrating it is to live with someone with A.D.D." I was screaming inside my head "WELL TRY BEING A WORKING MOTHER with A.D.D.!!!!"  I was diagnosed 3 years ago by a psychiatrist with A.D.D. I originally went to my G.P. in tears, saying my memory problems were getting so bad I was genuinely in fear for the lives of my family. I could give you 100's of examples that lead up to my going to my Dr.
 But the last straw was hearing my children say "Mom you never remember ANYTHING, we love your groundings, because the next day, you look at us and say "How come you're not outside!??"

I wanted to learn SO much more in your show about this curse they call A.D.D. I remember hearing the words when they first came out of my Dr's mouth. I thought "You're nuts, I'm not HYPER! I just can't remember anything or organize anything, what the heck does that have to do with being HYPER??".  Then I started researching. I cried and cried for days. Finally their was a NAME for my curse, I wasn't just 'stupid and careless' - although I still feel it when I say I have A.D.D. and someone looks at me with this look ... kinda like "Yeah - sure you do, you're a lazy useless twit who's hiding behind a label that's all".

My husband and I have fought SO much for the past 17 years, we've been within a hair of divoricing hundreds of times. I'm a yeller, and so is he, I'm a "Leo" - so is he, this does not make for a pleasant argument let me say.  We have two sons, ages 14 and 11. Both show many symptoms of A.D.D., which I know I inherited from my father,  the youngest shows ALL the signs except hyperactivity. I have struggled so much to help them, and felt so much guilt for passing on this awful curse to them, I literally feel at times like I have ruined their chances to ever have a decent future just by giving them my genes.  They are such loving, excellent boys, well behaved, and very respectful, all because my husband and I have been very stringent about values and morals and trying to create good people in them. But they both struggle tremendously with the effects of A.D.D. And I am trying to teach them - but I have it too!  When you gave the list of "Things to do to help your kids with A.D.D." again I found myself SCREAMING at the T.V. "BUT HOW do I do that when I can't even come close to those things myself!?!?!?!" 
When I heard all the men saying how they were hesitant to accept treatment because they didn't want to "change" their personality, I totally lost it crying!  Oh my GOD!  I would GIVE ANYTHING to change my personality, I'd do anything to find a way to improve my ability to focus, to read a page without having to stop a million times and re-read it, to REMEMBER to give my kids lunch money BEFORE they call me from school saying "Mom - you forgot to give me lunch money againnnnnnnnnn". I would LOVE for my husband to be able to come home to a neat, tidy, organized house, and be able to relax instead of us constantly fighting because his version of "neat & tidy" and mine differ SOOOOOO much!!  :)   And don't even get me started on my inability to handle money. My husband has left that responsibility to me, as he says it's a "woman's job" but I've told him over & over I SUCK at budgeting and credit management.  I've gotten us in over our heads over & over, and can't save a cent from payday to payday. I keep promising I will change, I will find a way to learn how to do this (please don't sick Suze Orman on me, she's my worst nightmare!). But as of yet, I feel more helpless than EVER!  

Then when I hear you Dr. Phil, offering to provide help for these men, I'm thinking "WHAT kind of HELP???" please tell me!  There are NO A.D.D. specialists anywhere around our entire province that I know of, and all I get from my psychiatrist is pills, pills, and more pills. The only drug I have been willing to take is Strattera, because it is labelled as a "non-stimulant".  I don't want to be doped, my kids don't deserve that and neither do I.  I have tried an anti-depressant with the Strattera as my Dr suggested they would work better in combination. I found it useless, and after 7 months of both, I weaned myself off the anti-depressant.  I still can't say with any certainty if the Strattera does or does not make a difference, after 3 years being on it. I've tried several different doses, I'm on 60mg a day now, because the highest dose of 80mg causes me terrible fainting/dizzy spells. And yes - I forget them occasionally!

Anyway - Dr. Phil - PLEASE DO ALL THE MOMS WITH A.D.D. a HUGE favor, and give US a show!!  My God if you think the men are pityful with this, TRY BEING A MOM WITH IT!! We are the main 'home-organizers', child care givers, house keepers, and most are full time workers too. It's 50 times harder in my humble opinion to be a woman with this God-Forsaken curse, because women are "just SUPPOSE to be good with money, good with house work, good with organizing, etc etc etc". And the poor men who end up married to us .... well let's just say there's a special place in heaven for them, actually, they'll probably shoot right on past heaven, they've been through so much!  Please HELP ME save my marriage, because believe me it's teetering on edge, and what a shame that is. Our 10th anniversary is on August 14th, just a few weeks away, and it will be my 40th birthday on August 20th!! What a present it would be for me to be able to FINALLY be able to TRULY get help to deal with this plague. Do it for our boys, for my boys - husband included. I love them all so much, I'm crying as I type. I just hate what my curse has done to their lives, how it disrupts their lives on a daily basis.  My husband works 5000 miles away from home for 20 days a month, and is home for only 8 days, every month. I think that is the only reason we're still married, because if he had to be around 100%, ohhhhhhh boy it would be rough.

So Dr. Phil, how about a little help for the A.D.D. LADIES ??? Please please please?!!!

thanks for your time,

Michelle M.

My husband was diagnosed w/ADD several years after being treated for a "severe depressive episode".  I believe he uses this as an excuse to continue to focus only on himself .  I feel like I've been taking care of him since we married.  I'm the one who's maintained employment & health insurance, pays the bills every month, gets things done that need taking care of.  He's lost a couple of very good jobs, who knows why.  I can't believe a word he says.  I discovered he wasn't who he said he was after I married him. I feel like I was fooled into marrying someone who didn't exist.  And my beliefs have me sticking it out for the kids.  Oh he's taking his adderal, but I'm getting tired of trying to get him to do what needs to be done.  If I ask something more than once, I'm a nag.  Regardless of how "softly" I make my request.  I'm just hanging in for the kids.  Then I think I'm done. I've tried couple's therapy.......he lies.  I'm just tired of doing all the trying.  I don't feel like I've ever had a "partner" in this marriage, but another dependant.  But to hear him talk, he does it all.  I am appalled he can even think that.  I have no desire to be intimate with him.  He can complain all he wants, but I've really lost all respect for him as a man, a father, a partner.  I'm tired of arguing so I don't.  He's more of a housemate, much to his chagrin......but if he hears what he doesn't want to hear, he walks away.  Can't solve anything that way.  Going on 20 years now.......kids are 10 and 16.  I'm sick of being the only one trying, so I'm not anymore.  So, accurate diagnosis and medication does not solve it all.  Don't everyone get your hopes up for naught.

I started to watch the show, not realizing what the subject was going to be.  When she mentioned that her son had ADD, the light came on, I hit "record" as fast as I could, then sat glued to the TV.  At times, with tears streaming down my face.  I as well think about divorcing my husband, a lot.  He was diagnosed with ADD 2 years ago.  My life with this man has been a living hell at times, and then there are times I wouldn't trade him for the world.  The roller coaster ride has gotten a bit out of hand as of late though, and it's gotten to the point where I don't really like my husband anymore.  His ADD is out of control, which means he is also out of control.  He's defensive, mean, and no fun what so ever.  He constantly runs out of meds, then watch out, it gets bad!  I asked him to watch what I recorded.  He sat there, and finally said "how did they get you on the show!".  So many things being said, are things I say to him all the time.  I have begged him to try and get some kind of help.  We did do counseling, but our counselor retired, and we haven't found a new one.  However, after he watched the show, I think he realized that I'm not just blowing smoke, that we really need to fix things or our marriage is over.  Thank you so much for doing this show.  Please do more on this topic!!!