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i have tried all that- with no luck
on Sep 5, 2012, 2:06PM -
In reply to time4newlife
I have tried to do all the things you mentioned. Im a GREAT father- baths, diapers, fixing dinners, mid of the night feedings.... I think the important thing to remember is if your wife is telling you she is upset, and needs more, then LISTEN!!! Unfortunatly, my wife never told me anything, she just started a relationship with someone else. So I guess my advice would be this... If your in a relationship, then you better talk to them and allow them to talk to you and listen.
good question- wish I knew
on Sep 1, 2012, 6:42AM
I have been with my wife for ten+ total years and we have two little boys. My wife is as beautiful as they come-a truely stunning farm girl who seemed like she had great potential through life experiences growing up, that she would do things the rite way with her own family. Well, here we are ten years later, and our relationship has been on-off over most of that time. My wife has struggled with mental health for a vry long time, and the more i insisted she get help the more she pulled away. There were major things lacking in our marriage, but she would never agree to work on anything- and never wanted to talk. She finally is getting help, but that only the beginning of a long uncertain process as she is still reluctant to talk about anything or giv eme support in getting over all she has done while we were apart. If you dont have a partners full cooporation when they ask to come back and be forgiven, then it will never work out. y wife just never wants to bring it up again, that combined with her inability to show any kind of affection twords me (for who knows what reason) its just killing me more and every day. I want things to be better, I plee with her to try and understand what it is i require to help me forgive and forget, but that just overwhelms her and she considers me a nag. And there is no fear of leaving because she would have any man she wanted- and thats no bull. So forcing her into getting help has only pushed her away in the past, and doing so now would cert have the same effect. I wish someone had an answer for me. Its an awful feeling to live with, and i dont wish it on anyone. Good luck out there to all who are going through this type of thing.
on Aug 27, 2012, 5:35PM -
In reply to lovelyandee
Having been a husband of a wive who has cheated on me for years with a man at work, we tried to reconcile, but it did not work for us. I recommend you spend energy on your relationship and not trying to reconcile your behavior on your own. See a councilor and let them help you get past your past behavior. Don't cheat your husband out of who you are/or want to be. Touch and talk with love and energy, make good eye contact, say I love you without prompting, take the initiative to fill the bath tub and light some candles. You might be surprised how much better you'll feel if you take your eyes off yourself. Good luck.It take two to make rebuild a marriage, an even better one.
on Aug 21, 2012, 3:27PM
I am a spouse who has strayed in the past and I completely regret everything I put my hubby through. I feel like I can't forgive myself for all the hurt I have caused even though he has forgiven me. I feel like I don't deserve to have such a great guy in my life because of what I have done. I know that this puts tenstion in our relationship because he is trying to move past it but I feel like I can't or shouldn't. We have been together for 6 years, have endured some really tough times but we always seem to make it work out.
I don't know how to forgive myself for my past indescrections, and I feel like my hubby deserves better. I have told him how I feel and he is understanding about it. I feel sometimes like I can't continue our relationship because of my guilt and I don't know what to do. I want things to work out between us but I know I have to forgive myself before I can begin to continue working on our relationship.
Online Dating Addiction
on Jun 14, 2012, 6:23PM
My story is very, very strange. 3 weeks ago I decided to snoop into my husband of 26 year's email -which he left open- and going to a very specific time back in 2009 when a woman called me and told me they met at a dating site and had sex 4 times. I thought I'd find her emails, but I uncovered much more than that. My husband, the love of my life, the father of my 3 children, my sole emotional, fianancial source of support, my best friend...had an online dating/sex addiction. Because of the trail of emails and a specific file in our computer that I was able to open, where he had every single password to all these websites, I was able to confirm that the sexual acting out had stopped about November 2011. He still sent out a couple of emails to this one woman, until January 11 of this year, but never saw her again. His MO was to pray on vulnerable, nice women, wine and dine them one or maybe two times max, sleep with them and dissappear. He did this for 7 years. It all started 2 years after my oldest daugher, then 12, had a major emotional breakdown which by the time he began acting out, had transformed into Bulimia. My world was helping my daughter, my other two children who were 9 and 10 at the time, and yes, tending to my husband, my house, my work....I thought all along, he was as invested in our family as I was....I never, ever doubted him....until 2009. There were signs, of course, and I seen them now. He has a narcissistic personality, and his put downs were many and abusive....but I blamed it on the stress of work and my daughter's illness....there were "secrets" he called privacy...all those passwords, there were silly explanations that never got a straight answer, there was the slow, thought out, words that came out of his mouth when in counselling....WHO was this man? I still blamed it all on stress.
So, that day I found out, I went into his email and emailed him...he was home within 5 minutes... I also emailed 3 of the women. 2 replied and one lied to me about having sex with him once..the other was pretty straightforward, she met him twice and one of those times they had sex.
He always had unprotected sex. And this infuriates me SO very much....I feel so violated, so disrespected, and I also feel ALONE. I left my family, my country, my friends, my suppport system to go out into the world with him. We lived in many different countries, had a wonderful life....but I'm a codependent...I followed, I obeyed, I had a job and tried to do it the best i could...until my daughter's illness became the center of our lives.
My daughter is doing amazing, she's in College, she's going to Europe in the Fall, she's happy, and I feel BLESSED when I think of all the girls I knew while she was in treatment, that are not doing as well as her....
My memories are tarnished, family vacations, moments with friends, birthdays...even restaurants around Los Angeles...everything reminds me of what I saw, what I read, the pictures of the women he went out with...I CANT FORGET....
He is -according to him and yes, I can actually see it- devastated. He realized he needed to stop this behavior and he did, on his own, with no help. And yes, he wasn't planning to tell me...why hurt me?
He says I'm the love of his life, that he would not be able to live without me, he is terrified our teenage kids will find out...he's going to therapy, is willing to do whatever needs to be done...and yes, he changed all his passwords (he still has 3 email accounts) and I have access...he erased all his profiles.....but that one email account where ALL the evidence was...he cancell that account the day he got caught (but I still could confirm that he was saying the truth about the timing).
I'm going through the worst crisis of my life. I can't stop crying, I;m getting help but sometimes I think I need to get away from him just to get some perspective on my situation, and to stop crying...but he says he won't let me....I need to be close to him and talk, and go to therapy and so on.
He has suffered terrible trauma in his childhood, mother died when he was only 12 and he found out she was going to die, by overhearing a phone conversarion. He never touched that phone again. Then, his 5 year old sister was told her mother went away on a trip -abandoning her-, and my husband had to keep up the lie, not cry...and be the parent to this little girl since their Dad was an alcoholic, a womanizer, who would bring women to the house....I didn't know this until our first therapy session, and was able to confirm the story with his uncle....
My husband is a good man, he never cheated before this, but I don't know I can forgive him. I don't want to live the rest of my life wondering, doubting...and I want to look up to him, like I always did....how can I?
Maybe by accepting he is a normal, flawed human being and not the super being I thought I married.
Anyone out there with a similar situation?
im going through the same thing but different
on Apr 21, 2012, 11:13AM -
In reply to yanktown
me and my girl been together for over ten years now and she slept with 4 guys at seven different times and it was because i became distant from her so maybe its something that you are not doing that may help.
on Apr 20, 2012, 4:16PM
I moved to another country to be with my wife. I gave up my friends, family and career to do this in the states, Before I moved I asked her if she was ready for this and such. She said yes. Fast forward to 3 months into my move, I found out she has been having an ongoing relationship with a married man. And also had a fling with another man one night. We were not married at the time of the second occasion, but dating exclusively. I have forgiven her now, but she still does not give me access to her emails, phone, or social network sites? Is this normal and should I just trust her? Or am I being naive and setting myself up to get hurt again? She says I should just trust her, I say she needs to prove herself to me. ANy comments would be appreciative. Thanks
Struggling to Forgive
on Apr 5, 2012, 4:04AM
I have been married for 11 years to a wonderful man. We have two young boys and as a unit we are a great team. He is 8 years older and me and is turning 50 this year. He is the funny one at home with great humour and I am the stricter one - our boys adore him. Out of the blue at the end of last year he contacted his ex girlfirend who broke up with him 24 years ago. He sayed the inital contact was to answer the burning question of "why she had finished with him". He admits now that this is bizzare but at the time it bothered him to the extent he looked her up on the internet and phoned her. He rang her 60 times over 4 months and actively persued her. We live quite a distance from her but he still managed to meet her for lunch twice in December (Christmas Eve when I was at home wrapping presents and preparing dinner) - although he was home by evening time on both occasions I'm not sure if that was at her insistence or his (she didnt want to break up a family??). This all came out on New Years Eve as I questioned him on why he was distancing himself from me. I had noticed him brush me off a few times and he was getting quiet. He totally stunned me. He told me that he thought we should talk about splitting up in the New Year (we had been lazy as couple the last few years focusing more on the kids and family fun). He said he didnt think he was 'in love' with me anymore although still 'loved me'. I couldnt believe my ears? He was talking in cliches. On further questioning he admitted to being in contact with his ex and said she would be interested in a relationship with him if he were single. He said he wanted to start a relationship with her and when pushed admitted that he thought he was in love with her. I felt totally destroyed. Absolutely devastated and went into a state of shock. He kept saying he was sorry and I was too shocked to fight with him. I could see he was almost relieved to get rid of me. He stayed with his sister that night and I went home alone. He later admitted that when I left he rang her to tell her "the cats out of the bag". By the end of the next day 1st Janaury he was home begging forgiveness. Says he was 'mad' and it wasnt real. Said he lost sight of 'us' and was talking of a mid-life cisis. He promised to work hard to earn my trust again. Th eminute I left the fog started to lift and he realised it was me he loved. He felt embarrassed about what he had said and done and was visibly down for a few weeks. I agreed to 'forgive' him and work through it and am confident that he hasn't been in touch with her since. He seems very happy and tells me everday how blessed he is. For the past 3 months or so we have been getting on great, I am getting special attention and we are living as though it is behind us. However, over the past week it has stared to creep back into my thoughts. I have been mulling it over in my head. Did I forgive him too quickly? Was I in shock? Did I ask enough questions? He said nothing physical ever happened between them and that it was all just stupid talk.. I'm not sure I now believe that. Why should he be so happy when he betrayed me? I am remembering how devastated I was on New Years Eve and at how coldly he was able to scrape me off his shoe. Whilst I was crying the whole way home he was breaking the "Good news" to her. I realise that I am starting to look at him in a different light. I never thought him capabale of betaryal and can not understand how he could chase her and lie to me for so long? I am now worried that I am falling out of love with him and I can't seem to stop it..He has asked me to renew our vows and I am struggling..
I was cheating
on Feb 28, 2012, 11:27AM
I have been married to my husband for less then a year. Our relationship did not start out good. I was still living with my then boyfriend, but talking to my now husband. I continued for the next several months still talking to my ex boyfriend, I stopped 3 months ago. My husband caught me several times talking to my ex boyfriend and told me enough is enough, I had to beg him that I will stop talking to my ex boyfriend. At the same time I was also talking to another person that my husband knows and he caught me talking to him also. During this time, my stepchildren came ONLY for the summer, but we learned that there was some abuse happening at the home they were living in, so we ended up keeping them with us. I had only seen them a few times before the stayed, so we were not that familiar with eachother, their mother is bipolar and has alot of issues herself and I do not respect her in any way, having the children in the home brought frusturation on my part. They were brought up differently and dealing with their mother got to me, when my husband and I would fight I would tell him that I hated his children and that I wish they were not there and this was overheard by his oldest child who is 11. Just last week he took the children back to their mother without my knowledge and he stayed gone for 2 days without telling me. The week before they left I sat down with them and I explained some of my frusturations and that I was sorry for the things that I had said and that I am getting help with my anger and I want them to feel comfortable in their home. I have not talked to any other men in 3 months and I am going to counseling also. Now my husband does not know if he wants to be with me, he says that he does not have the same feelings for me as he did in the beginning, because of all of the cheating and treating his kids bad (talking bad about them). I have made so many mistakes in this relationship, but I still think that it is fixable. I just don't know how to keep him from leaving me. I will do anything to fix my relationship with him and make future happy memories for us.
I'm the one who made the mistake....
on Feb 16, 2012, 7:58PM
So here I am. i am the one who had an affair. One time, one night. Still not acceptable and should have never happened. This happened about 7 years ago. I know that this ultimately happened because I was not feeling loved, needed, or respected. Not to mention my husband has been verbally abusive for years. I do know that does not make it okay. I have searched for a long time to discover the why. So tonight I sat down and talked with my husband (we are still together, barely). His verbally abusive behavior has been escalating and he is not very nice to me at all. I really want to move past this and try to rebuild our marriage as I have been working toward since that night 7 years ago. It seems like whenever any progress is made, he sabotagees it by being meaner and meaner. To make a long story short, he told me tonight that he absolutely cannot forgive me for what happened. I just don't know what to do. Can our marriage be saved?
Neither one of us has been happy for a very long time. All we do is fight and argue about stupid little things. He has not told me he loves me in more than 9 years, not without me saying something about it to him. We have been married for 11 this year and that hurts so much. I know that my mistake was terrible, but I cannot erase the past. He claims he wants our marriage to work, but i just don't see him trying very hard. We have a 10 year old son who is now starting to treat me as badly as his father does. I know it is from living in this environment. How can I make this stop? Is there any hope for us or do I just painfully cut my losses and try to start over in order to salvage what is left of our broken relationship for our sons sake. He deserves to be happy and frankly....mistake or not, I do to. Help!!
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