I look at all the tragedy on this board and I want to help you all. My heart goes out to those who have been abuse and are still being abused. I wish there was a way to teach people the power of love instead of the love of power. At least that is why I am told people abuse. At this point however, all we have is each other. To hold hands and hang on, praying we are all standing on the other side.
Alot of women on here being abused and we must not forget the men. Certainly not the children that are often the pawns in abuse or the most tragic victim.
I have come to learn with my own struggles, that no matter what there is a reason for everything. My adoption case was one of the worst in the state of Missouri... but from it we have found peace and some of us, family. That is what is important and never giving up.
I had "family" tell me that I wouldn't ammount to anything, I should never have been adopted. Yet, I graduated high school... got a respiratory therapy degree, spent 20 years tracking down my brothers and sisters...and in October 2011, united them all for the first time. MAKE your anger your drive for change. Not your drive to continue the cycle.
I remember watching an Oprah episode once when I was a kid. There was a lady on there talking about the generations of abuse that had been passed down... she sat there on that stage and said it was stopping now. With me because if I find myself continuing the cycle, I will take my own life. My own story is that of generational abuse and that show changed who I was going to become.
hi i have a 23 year old who was molested by my sister and her partner from the ages of 9/12 years old when she was on holidays i had no idea till she turned 18 and had remembered and had nervous breakdown she had suppressed memory she spent many months in mental hospital and now suffers from post traumatic stress syndrome, my sister killed herself but he is still walking around. my daughter has isolated herself trusts no one i worry she will never have a normal relationship she has never had a boyfriend and cannot stand to be touched i worry about her future and do not know what to do to help her.
My daughter has been stuck in this abusive relationship for 4yrs.. She has lost custody of her daughter due to the abuse.. he's choked her, blew her cat's head off, destroyed vehicles with an axe, threatened the life of everyone in her family including her daughter... she has left a million times..& gone back a million + 1. We have custody of her daughter and wont allow him anywhere around her.. we have security cameras, extra lighting, court orders, ... they give 2yrs jail time for driving drunk... he gets out in 4months... goes through 3months of drug rehab... has been out for 2weeks , and in day 5? we have gun shots on our property. This week? she missed her visit with her daughter.. which took a priority while he was away... 3weeks before he gets out? the family moves to another county and refuses me to know where my daughter lives... the WHOLE FAMILY is whacked! they, ve trapped me on top of a mountain and beat up my truck! chased me down the street trying to pick up my daughter... I've gone through counslers, courts, contacted domestic voilence centers, encouraged safety plans, Cops have been here sooooooo many times... Im soooooooooo tired of the drama... my husband is ready to kill the whole family... my daughter was doing sooooooooooooooo good with him in jail.. now it begins again... :( I was hopin she would be strong enough to leave once she saw things havent changed... & it's begun... I fear for my daughters life... she is sooooooo smart... I dont understand how she got sucked into this.. she never witnessed any of that growing up... my husband always treats me with respect.. I feel I've failed her, cause I cant protect her... Im so very sad the cycle has begun again.. ... I believe I have tried everything in my power... which amounts to nothing.. because no matter what I do? He will end up killing her..
Dear young mom, I could have written your entry 10 years ago, and it breaks my heart to hear such a similar story. I was in an abusive marriage for years, I met him at 16 married with a baby by 18. I left him more times than I can count, but always came back a few days or weeks later because of his talking me back. He also cheated numerous times with numerous girls, my daughter grew to hate him over the years and would beg me not to go back. Finally, about 15 years of this and one more daughter later, I had enough, I put my daughters in a peice of junk vehicle we had, called the police and went back to the house to pick up just essentials. That car limped the 350 miles to my parents house. I left and stayed gone, he did EVERYTHING he could to get me to come back, from being his extra sweet promising self to being downright hateful. I must tell you I NEVER wanted a divorce but I filed for one, got a new job and got my girls out of that horrible environment. The only thing I did not get from your story is WHY is your man acting the way he does. My husband (we are now happily married for 22 years by the way) had a drug problem and he needed to hit bottom all alone. I stayed gone for 2 years, it took him a year to hit bottom and get off drugs, it took him another year to convince me he had changed. That was about 4 years ago that we moved back in together, but he has made a complete and total turn around. He never says a mean word to me or our daughters, NEVER has laid a hand on me and hasn't touched any drugs what so ever in these last few years. My oldest daughter and my husband are now extremely close, he made amends with her all on his own knowing that his children were so damaged by what they saw him do to me, he gave them space and plenty of time to see he had changed, HE NEVER PUSHED. I believe this is the trait that showed me he had changed and had matured enough to see that immediately having us back was NOT what was going to make everything okay. He did go thru a drug class and an anger management class (before we got back together), but he says that was not what changed him, he credits the fact that I held my ground and did not go running back until I was satisfied he was really different. My advice is this, your man has the ability to change and really be a better man and father thats for sure, but you have to ask yourself, whats the hurry? He wants you and you children home now because of the immediate gratification he will get from you being there, but if he really wanted to work on his issues he would see that he needs to SHOW you not just tell you. That cant be done in days or weeks, only YOU can set that time table for you and your children. I wish you luck and hope the best for you, i will be praying for your family
I have been in an abusive relationship for the last 12 plus years. My fiance has beaten me in front of our children broken things put holes in our walls destroyed vehicles the list goes on and on. I always dismis the behavior and don't know why i get wrapped in his "the past is the past" then about 3 years ago he began messing around with a so called friend of mine and i found out. He eventually kicked me adn the kids out so she and her child could move in. this lasted a few months and then he moved us back in and then again we moved out and she was back in the picture. after protective orders and assault charges were all dropped we moved back in togther and the cycle just continued. i can't afford to make it on my own with 3 kids but i can't stand to stay in this situation. He has "cheated" or attempted to cheat and been caught several times since the incident of making us move out for my friend. December 16th i left the home me and the kids moved in wigth a friend (male friend so this brought on more problems) to get away from the fear of constantly worring when he will be going off next. This time he claims he had an eye opening experience and knows that how he ahs been the last several years is wrong and that he has been out of cnotrol and never realized how bad he actually was. He wants to go to counseling and make our family better and happy. we have done 2 sessions with a counselor but he failed to go the anger management counselor. he is more concerened about getting us back together than on getting himself the help he needs. How do you know if things are really going to change? can they change? On top of how he treats me he has had a bad influence on our children they are scared of him adn don't want to be around him. Our youngest who is now 6 will get scared everytime he even suspects his dad is mad or upset he tries to solve every problem by makin a joke with dad or getting dads attenetion. when he is really scared he will hide in the closet or go outside. Our middle son has anger issues and always blowing up and higtting his brother and our oldest daughter is just quiet and doesn't want to be in the situation. They are happy now that we aer out of hte home. He wants us to return home and he leave but i don't see him leaving he has yet to leave thus far i think its just an excuse to get us back into the house so he can have the power again. Has anyone stayed and fixed their marriage after the abuse?
Hello i am new here , my name is Marie i am 24 years old i am a medical student and a proud motehr to a beutiful little girl who was newly diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Cerebral Palsy.
My daughters father was extremely cruel and abusive towards me for almost 6 years, he would hit me slap me punch me , kick me and my daughter was born 11 weeks premature. At my 4th month appointment i was placed on bed rest due to Placenta Previa . My daughters father would call me named, pull me out of bed by my hair . Because he was to lazy to cook himself something to eat or to lazy to clean or to lazy to go shopping. I was a slave , i was trapped i lost all my friends , my family disowned me . I had nobody and it was truly terrifying knowing how alone i was.
I was never in a situation like this before so i was unsure of what to do i was terrified to do anything for the safety of my unborn and i. July 2010 i left my abuser and ended up in a domestic violence shelter after my ex held a knife to my throat when my daughter was in my hands. I finally had the nerve to call 911 and have him arrested. I am happy to say to this day i am still fighting him court wise but i have been away from him for a year and 7 months and i am finally happy.
I have permanent full custody of my daughter, he was just arrested for 5th time for stalking, menacing, harrassment and for endangering the welfare of a child. He will be sitting in jail for up to 7 years due to he is a repeated offender. I have a 5 year family order of protection against him , i lvie in an adult housing situation with a locked building and security officers present at all times. It is nice to have my sense of safety returned to me in so many ways.
But in many ways the day he gets out will be the day i will no longer feel safe, i honestly do not think i could ever feel safe knowing he is walking this earth. I am terrified still always will be. No that is not letting him win that is just part of the healing process i have yet to work on.
I am so happy to learn about Caityln's Law and the new VINE system i think it will truly honestly help victims and help give them some kinda closure and or safety. I honestly think there needs to be more law's written like this and more support and advocacy for victim's of domestic violence.
I ive in Michigan, and in response to "Catlin's Law", my ex, whom we are living with attacked my daughter, who was 21 at the time. While trying to pull him off her, (he is 240 lbs and I am 96lbs), I called 911 and stayed on the phone until the officers arrived. She was scared and did not press charges, and the other officer was speaking with my ex and as soon as they found out he was a Vet, they told us to get in the car and leave. Shocked...don't be. I have done volunteer work at the abuse shelter assisting the lawyer with court documents and he advised us to move out of the city we live in, which is not easy to do when you are poor. I am on disability, SSI, my daughter dropped out of college and moved out and in with her boyfriend and it is now my disabled adult daughter, (who is not his child) and our son who is 21. The vet had special privileges in Florida and he does here, after all he is a vet.
The law all over for abuse has to be consistent and reasonable. There can not be a pass because someone is a member of a certain group. Also, temporary restraining orders are pretty much useless.
Any way...I married this individual in 1986 and we had 2 children and were married for 19 years. It started out with physical abuse, which resulted in a TRO and me leaving with my first 2 children from a previous marriage. After a while he promised to get help and he contacted the VA and after a while we moved back in. The physical abuse stopped but for the next 18 years in was all emotional and psychological abuse. The law does not handle these areas when dealing with restraining orders, police help or protection. I left so many times. (Please visit www.lovefraud.com) and it will open you eyes. So much more happened, but if you read any of these stories you will have read mine. This was the type of person I was married to. He costs us everything we had...........and I mean everything. He finally ended up in jail for theft, (my future inheritance-which I will never get)we were homeless in Florida and my oldest helped us out and we left the state in 2003.
Because of his behavior, his ability to con people the rest of us paid the price. The attorney took away my rights to see my own mother, (because unbeknownst to me he was robbing the trust). Now, I have to pay back all that money he took simply because we were married and I had no money to fight this even after we were divorced. Legal aide does not handle probate. He got out of jail, by making me take the blame and his probation officer take the blame and they never even contacted me to go to court. By now we were in Illinois and he was in Florida.
I can tell you that abuse by a psychopath is a large unspoken area that has few if any legal remedies, very little legal assistance at all. It is so sad.
Anyway he got out and found us again and since I was so poor he offered to put a roof over our heads, which he has. The kids and I live up stairs and he lives downstairs and we will leave when my daughter gets her part of the trust this month. Even being this close has done nothing except make us upset and he has allowed me to be manipulated by me having to pay the utility bills and others, like water which we need simply because he WILL NOT and we know because when we moved here, no lights, heat, phone.....just refused because he is that sick, (as we are for allowing us to get in this mess again) but being poor and I have a chronic illness, having to fill out so much paperwork for government aide is exhausting. Yes, we are stupid, me especially, but Dr. Phil if you could somewhere down the road get in contact with the LOVEFRAUD people and bring attention to this there would be thousands of abused women, and men too, that would be eternally grateful.
I want to be the first to stand and applaud you. First.. thank you for sharing and secondly... you are amazing. I myself have dealt with many traumas. I am proud of you for being able to say the words that I couldn't in my post. Congradulations on your progress. All the best to you in the future.
thank you for sharing your story... I know how hard it is to finally crack that shell. Please stay strong and hang in there. I want you to know that I am proud of you for posting ... be well my friend.
From a very young age, I was influenced by abuse, neglect and alcoholism and my parents are still together after 52 years...still tormenting each other. I am now 48 years old, with 4 amazing kids and in my 2 marriages, I suffered more abuse then Im embarassed to even admit, and the most severe was what it did to my self-image. I married the first time...a man 10 years my senior, with the thought that his strong physique and attitude would be there to protect me and I assumed that his years of experience would help me to grow as a woman and become a great mother. Boy....was I ever wrong.
Before I said yes to marriage, my ex had exhibited a few suttle signs of abuse, but he always knew what to say to convince me that I was the one that was seeing the situation wrong. He starting by shoving me and calling me names, and when the incident was over, he would get on his knees and cry...and beg for forgiveness. His explanation to me was that he just got so upset at the thought of me being unhappy or giving my time to someone else, that it just scared him to the point of acting out, and like a dummy I believed in him.
My ex was a drinker and when he drank...he became pure evil. He had also taken alot of street drugs and smoked marijuana, but never having been exposed to the drugs, I didnt see the signs of any of it, except the drinking. By saying he turned pure evil...I mean after we married, I became a slave to him and had no life. As days went by...we had few good days and many bad days, but I remember going to work with black eyes, scratches and even burn marks on my skin. Yes..when he drank and came down off his high, he thought of every way to torment me and that included putting cigarettes out on my body, taunting me with knives and scissors and taking extremely painful and emotionally draining sex from me at any time he chose...sorry, I still cant say rape :(
Just when I had enough and was ready to run away, I found out I was pregneant. I had alot of female issues, and I found that birth control made me worse....and I was young enough to think that if I didnt 'enjoy and climax' during the forced sex, that I couldnt get pregneant, but once again, I was wrong. I had no one...my family was so wrapped up in fighting with each other and putting me down for my weight issues...and I did close myself off to the world, out of shame. Finding out I was having a girl changed everything....for a while. He seemed excited beyond words, and even stopped drinking and smoking marijuana, so of course I thought that my life was about to get better. Wrong again. He forced me to stop working, with the excuse that I needed to pamper myself, so as usual I followed orders. I had no friends, no family, no phone and eventually he took my car keys when he worked, and I knew that one day he would kill me. Little did I know...that he was trying to seclude me from the entire outside world, and he succeeded.
Things were great for about 3 months after my daughter was born, and then the cycle of abuse started again. Alot of name-calling, more cussing at my friends and family, more bruises and most of all...more crying from my baby girl. The crying angered him to the point that I really thought he would kill both of us and just when I got the nerve to leave, he would tell me that if I left....he would borrow money and take full custody of my girl, burn down my parents home and laugh while they burned....so I stayed and took it more and more. Raw hamburger shoved down my throat.....being forced on all four's and being sodomized in front of my baby...being kicked and made to eat out of the dog bowl...the list goes on and on. I remember running for the front door to escape....and one time he actually got me by the ankles and dragged me back inside...while all my neighbors watched. Yep..no one would help cause they were so scared of him. I was doomed and even talking to the sacker at the grocery store while he was bagging our food, got me accused of sleeping around and also got my faced smashed into the windshield. I finally never even looked up at anyone, when I was in public and I was trying to think of ways to end my life...but I didnt want to leave him in control of my child and her life, so I felt worthless. He drove me down a dark path to a field once...he locked all the doors and told me to try to get away..."scream and see what will happen now Bitch"...is what he repeatedly yelled at me. I refused to yell back, out of fear and got so scared I peed my pants. He stripped off my clothes and forced me to walk through the trees and brush naked...minus my underwear on my head...getting all cut up, but he finally made me get back in the car.
We split several times and I would get threats about my family, and back then the police were pathetic. They would tell me that the law was on his side...because we were married, so I was trapped in a vicious cycle with no one to help at all. I got an Ex-Parte, and I may have well used it for toilet paper, and when he was arrested for DWI...I snuck to the courthouse and begged the judge not to prosecute him. I knew that when he got out...he would take it out on me, and of course...he did. He left notes in my car...very graphic depictions of how he would put me under for good, with a concrete block and chains on me and throw me off a bridge and so many other vile, dusgusting acts, that I was sure he would really kill me. I even showed the notes to the police and they said that they had no proof that he actually wrote the notes....I was so frustrated.(Yes...I had forgotten he had a car key). I knew then that I was really on my own in every way and I was petrified for my life and the life of my girl. Having grown up in a family of abusers and violence, part of me really thought that it was natural for all woman to endure what I went through, and beings my mom did nothing but criticize me.... I couldnt absorb that I HAD to get out, at first.
The last time I was with him...my daughter had just turned a year old and I couldnt take it anymore. I wasnt allowed to have a party for her, but he went out and got drunk to celebrate alone...so I knew I was in trouble. He parked his car behind my car when he came home, so I was trying to prep my mind for what he was about to do and this was the last straw for me. He came in and started to throw things...scream in my face... spit on me, and when my baby cried, he was enraged...all because he had been in a fight at a bar and gotten his ass kicked. I was holding my baby and I remember looking around for protection, but what I seen instead of help...still gives me the shivers. As he was trying to yank my girl from me, I glanced at the front door to plan an escape, and I seen his nephew looking in and drinking a can of beer. I screamed for him to help me and instead of rescuing us...he stood and watched my ex abuse me...like he was at the movie theater watching the greatest movie ever made. My ex had slapped my glasses off my face, so my vision was blurry,...but I can still remember his nephew smiling as he watched and at that moment, my ex looked over and seen him. My heart raced and I thought that maybe he would leave me alone, but instead...he got worse. He seemed to 'perform' when he beat me and looked to his nephew for approval and that lasted about an hour.
I will never forget that night and the fact that someone would stand and watch, but at the same time...thats when I knew I had to make a choice. After hours of screaming at me and repeatedly taking my child from me...my ex passed out on the couch, so I went to bed. I lay in bed thinking of ways to get out..but with his car behind mine, I couldnt figure out a way to leave. No way to call anyone, no car....I was screwed. Then...by some act of God, I had an idea and I went for it. I wanted to get to my daughter so we could get out...but we had creaky hardwood floors and he had caught me more then once, trying to creep out. My heart racing....and hands shaking, I got down on all 4's and I slid on my belly into the bedroon where my daughter was sleeping...for what seemed like days to accomplish. I remember reaching down and cupping my hand over her mouth, so that she wouldnt wake up and cry, and I still have guilt to this day for doing that, but I had to do what I had to do.
With my baby in one arm, (and her mouth being muzzled by me), I somehow got down low enough to the ground to get to where he was passed out,....and suddenly...he moved. I just knew he had heard me, but he rolled over and was facing the back of the couch, so I made my move. I stopped at the coffee table...which was directly in front of the couch he was laying on...and reached out with one hand to grab the keys, but I realized I had to make sure that the keys didnt jiggle, and when your shakin and holding a baby...thats not an easy task.
Somehow I got the keys and gripped them in my hand, and I KNEW that this was my last chance to get past him. By whatever power or force was with me that night...I made it out. I got to the garage, but then another obstacle...I had an automatic door opener to deal with and I knew if I didnt go for it...that he would possibly kill me. So...I went for it. I opened the door and ran for my life...took his keys and got in his car...(He had blocked my car in remember?)...and as soon as I locked the doors, I looked up and there he was. His hand and face all bloody from his earlier fight only made him look more evil... so I was scared all over again. He grabbed the car door and tried to bust out the window, but my adrenaline was flowing and I was determied to get away. I floored his car to get it in reverse and the rest is a blur, and the next thing I knew...it was the next morning and my daughter and I were alseep in the car.
The most ironic thing? I was arrested for taking his car and spent 5 hours in jail!!! Yeah...amazing how the system works, but beings the car was only in his name...it didnt matter to the police that we were married...and I was charged with car theft. I couldnt believe that one man can cause so much grief and torment....but the silver-lining? I was pregneant again, but I knew there was no going back. After my 2nd child was 4 months old I connected with a man that was the older brother of my sons best friend, and we married about 2 years later. Well...needless to say, he started to abuse me...he shoved me one time and that was it. I threw him out and never went back, and out of that came another blessing. I got pregenant with twin boys....yes..more kiddos, but I absolutely credit my kids for saving my life.
I knew I had to break that cycle of violence...and I did it. My kids are now 23, 21 and the twins are 20, and we are a strong, close knit, loving family and I couldnt ask for better. My girls are both married at young ages and simply love being mothers, and my twins have great jobs and they have their own places to live...so we really can make change happen. We are products of our enviroment and as parents, its up to us to break the chain and give your kids what they deserve. My mom was too weak to do it on her own, but I did it and I would do it 100 times again. My self-image has been ruined and I am extremely overweight, but all the abuse has caused my to have PTSD, and any meds I take seem to make me gain weight. I have 3 grandkids now and when I look back....I am finally proud of myself, and I know that I made the right choices.
When people ask me how I did it...I dont speak of my abuse. I thought that I was just doing what all moms do...but I have since learned over the years, that not all mothers can pull off what I managed to do. I had 4 kids in High School at one time and all 4 of them were on stage getting Honor Roll awards....and achieving goals that they set for themselves and I'm extremely proud. I was mom, dad, referee, counselor, therapist, plumber for so many years and I love being independent. I can fix my own appliances, work on my car....been single for 20+ years and I can finally say that I am a great mother and actually accept it. My kids are raised and my next goal is to lose weight....and I dont want to do it for anyone but myself. I want to be able to go on walks, go swimming and do so many other things that being a grandparent is all about. Its hard for me to work a fulltime job, due to arthritis, fibromyalgia and extremely high blood pressure...but Im hoping that weight loss will help me to control those things.
What I hope to do by sharing my story...is reach just one woman that thinks she cant do it alone. I am living proof that you can do it and I have actually thought about writing blogs to answer to women that have been abused...but I don't have the confidence to do anything like that. Who knows? Maybe if I can lose weight, that can be another inspiration to someone that is in my shoes and I can once again...stand proud of myself. As I type this...there are lots of tears. Not sure if its a relief to actually talk about it....(even though I left out MANY abusive acts and never told my kids),.... or if I cry because I wonder how many woman are living that life today. Thanks goodness I saved my girls...they have great husbands and they know that they deserve the best. To anyone else that is in pain....please know that we do care and we hope you see the exit sign, and soon. Life is too short, and you deserve to be happy. I remember running to the bathroom and vomitting, just at the sound of my ex pulling in the drive....and I never have to live that way again.
My ex is now 58 years old and has been arrested so many times for abusing women...yet somehow he is still in society. Every once in a while I look him up on on the local court site...and there they are. Charges and more charges. Adult protection orders...DWI's...warrants for assault...marriages and divorces....and with all that, he still is allowed to exist in the community. I am no longer scared of him...although I could use therapy for my emotional pain and my nightmares, but I know now that my life is better then his will ever be and I broke that cycle..the one that he wanted to keep going for a lfetime. He has NEVER taken one of the visitations he was actually allowed (Thank God), and he never paid one penny of support and thats ok. He was recently arrested again...and it seems his past has caught up to him. He has so many probation violations that he is locked up and cant get out. Part of me wants to go see him...and have my girls meet thier father, but the other part of me knows how he will manipulate our emotions, and open those closed wounds, so I stay away. Kharma really does get them in the end...so keep your head high. Take care of yourself, so you can set that example for your kids. Their enviroment really does make a difference to them, so be strong and refuse to let anyone tell you that your worthless. Thanks for reading....feels great to share. Much more to say...but this is plenty. God Bless...Susie
I look at all the tragedy on this board and I want to help you all. My heart goes out to those who have been abuse and are still being abused. I wish there was a way to teach people the power of love instead of the love of power. At least that is why I am told people abuse. At this point however, all we have is each other. To hold hands and hang on, praying we are all standing on the other side.
Alot of women on here being abused and we must not forget the men. Certainly not the children that are often the pawns in abuse or the most tragic victim.
I have come to learn with my own struggles, that no matter what there is a reason for everything. My adoption case was one of the worst in the state of Missouri... but from it we have found peace and some of us, family. That is what is important and never giving up.
I had "family" tell me that I wouldn't ammount to anything, I should never have been adopted. Yet, I graduated high school... got a respiratory therapy degree, spent 20 years tracking down my brothers and sisters...and in October 2011, united them all for the first time. MAKE your anger your drive for change. Not your drive to continue the cycle.
I remember watching an Oprah episode once when I was a kid. There was a lady on there talking about the generations of abuse that had been passed down... she sat there on that stage and said it was stopping now. With me because if I find myself continuing the cycle, I will take my own life. My own story is that of generational abuse and that show changed who I was going to become.
I could have written your entry 10 years ago, and it breaks my heart to hear such a similar story. I was in an abusive marriage for years, I met him at 16 married with a baby by 18. I left him more times than I can count, but always came back a few days or weeks later because of his talking me back. He also cheated numerous times with numerous girls, my daughter grew to hate him over the years and would beg me not to go back. Finally, about 15 years of this and one more daughter later, I had enough, I put my daughters in a peice of junk vehicle we had, called the police and went back to the house to pick up just essentials. That car limped the 350 miles to my parents house. I left and stayed gone, he did EVERYTHING he could to get me to come back, from being his extra sweet promising self to being downright hateful. I must tell you I NEVER wanted a divorce but I filed for one, got a new job and got my girls out of that horrible environment. The only thing I did not get from your story is WHY is your man acting the way he does. My husband (we are now happily married for 22 years by the way) had a drug problem and he needed to hit bottom all alone. I stayed gone for 2 years, it took him a year to hit bottom and get off drugs, it took him another year to convince me he had changed. That was about 4 years ago that we moved back in together, but he has made a complete and total turn around. He never says a mean word to me or our daughters, NEVER has laid a hand on me and hasn't touched any drugs what so ever in these last few years. My oldest daughter and my husband are now extremely close, he made amends with her all on his own knowing that his children were so damaged by what they saw him do to me, he gave them space and plenty of time to see he had changed, HE NEVER PUSHED. I believe this is the trait that showed me he had changed and had matured enough to see that immediately having us back was NOT what was going to make everything okay. He did go thru a drug class and an anger management class (before we got back together), but he says that was not what changed him, he credits the fact that I held my ground and did not go running back until I was satisfied he was really different. My advice is this, your man has the ability to change and really be a better man and father thats for sure, but you have to ask yourself, whats the hurry? He wants you and you children home now because of the immediate gratification he will get from you being there, but if he really wanted to work on his issues he would see that he needs to SHOW you not just tell you. That cant be done in days or weeks, only YOU can set that time table for you and your children. I wish you luck and hope the best for you, i will be praying for your family
December 16th i left the home me and the kids moved in wigth a friend (male friend so this brought on more problems) to get away from the fear of constantly worring when he will be going off next. This time he claims he had an eye opening experience and knows that how he ahs been the last several years is wrong and that he has been out of cnotrol and never realized how bad he actually was. He wants to go to counseling and make our family better and happy. we have done 2 sessions with a counselor but he failed to go the anger management counselor. he is more concerened about getting us back together than on getting himself the help he needs. How do you know if things are really going to change? can they change?
On top of how he treats me he has had a bad influence on our children they are scared of him adn don't want to be around him. Our youngest who is now 6 will get scared everytime he even suspects his dad is mad or upset he tries to solve every problem by makin a joke with dad or getting dads attenetion. when he is really scared he will hide in the closet or go outside. Our middle son has anger issues and always blowing up and higtting his brother and our oldest daughter is just quiet and doesn't want to be in the situation. They are happy now that we aer out of hte home. He wants us to return home and he leave but i don't see him leaving he has yet to leave thus far i think its just an excuse to get us back into the house so he can have the power again.
Has anyone stayed and fixed their marriage after the abuse?
My daughters father was extremely cruel and abusive towards me for almost 6 years, he would hit me slap me punch me , kick me and my daughter was born 11 weeks premature. At my 4th month appointment i was placed on bed rest due to Placenta Previa . My daughters father would call me named, pull me out of bed by my hair . Because he was to lazy to cook himself something to eat or to lazy to clean or to lazy to go shopping. I was a slave , i was trapped i lost all my friends , my family disowned me . I had nobody and it was truly terrifying knowing how alone i was.
I was never in a situation like this before so i was unsure of what to do i was terrified to do anything for the safety of my unborn and i. July 2010 i left my abuser and ended up in a domestic violence shelter after my ex held a knife to my throat when my daughter was in my hands. I finally had the nerve to call 911 and have him arrested. I am happy to say to this day i am still fighting him court wise but i have been away from him for a year and 7 months and i am finally happy.
I have permanent full custody of my daughter, he was just arrested for 5th time for stalking, menacing, harrassment and for endangering the welfare of a child. He will be sitting in jail for up to 7 years due to he is a repeated offender. I have a 5 year family order of protection against him , i lvie in an adult housing situation with a locked building and security officers present at all times. It is nice to have my sense of safety returned to me in so many ways.
But in many ways the day he gets out will be the day i will no longer feel safe, i honestly do not think i could ever feel safe knowing he is walking this earth. I am terrified still always will be. No that is not letting him win that is just part of the healing process i have yet to work on.
I am so happy to learn about Caityln's Law and the new VINE system i think it will truly honestly help victims and help give them some kinda closure and or safety. I honestly think there needs to be more law's written like this and more support and advocacy for victim's of domestic violence.
The law all over for abuse has to be consistent and reasonable. There can not be a pass because someone is a member of a certain group. Also, temporary restraining orders are pretty much useless.
Any way...I married this individual in 1986 and we had 2 children and were married for 19 years. It started out with physical abuse, which resulted in a TRO and me leaving with my first 2 children from a previous marriage. After a while he promised to get help and he contacted the VA and after a while we moved back in. The physical abuse stopped but for the next 18 years in was all emotional and psychological abuse. The law does not handle these areas when dealing with restraining orders, police help or protection. I left so many times. (Please visit www.lovefraud.com) and it will open you eyes. So much more happened, but if you read any of these stories you will have read mine. This was the type of person I was married to. He costs us everything we had...........and I mean everything. He finally ended up in jail for theft, (my future inheritance-which I will never get)we were homeless in Florida and my oldest helped us out and we left the state in 2003.
Because of his behavior, his ability to con people the rest of us paid the price. The attorney took away my rights to see my own mother, (because unbeknownst to me he was robbing the trust). Now, I have to pay back all that money he took simply because we were married and I had no money to fight this even after we were divorced. Legal aide does not handle probate. He got out of jail, by making me take the blame and his probation officer take the blame and they never even contacted me to go to court. By now we were in Illinois and he was in Florida.
I can tell you that abuse by a psychopath is a large unspoken area that has few if any legal remedies, very little legal assistance at all. It is so sad.
Anyway he got out and found us again and since I was so poor he offered to put a roof over our heads, which he has. The kids and I live up stairs and he lives downstairs and we will leave when my daughter gets her part of the trust this month. Even being this close has done nothing except make us upset and he has allowed me to be manipulated by me having to pay the utility bills and others, like water which we need simply because he WILL NOT and we know because when we moved here, no lights, heat, phone.....just refused because he is that sick, (as we are for allowing us to get in this mess again) but being poor and I have a chronic illness, having to fill out so much paperwork for government aide is exhausting. Yes, we are stupid, me especially, but Dr. Phil if you could somewhere down the road get in contact with the LOVEFRAUD people and bring attention to this there would be thousands of abused women, and men too, that would be eternally grateful.
I want to be the first to stand and applaud you. First.. thank you for sharing and secondly... you are amazing. I myself have dealt with many traumas. I am proud of you for being able to say the words that I couldn't in my post. Congradulations on your progress. All the best to you in the future.
Dee
Before I said yes to marriage, my ex had exhibited a few suttle signs of abuse, but he always knew what to say to convince me that I was the one that was seeing the situation wrong. He starting by shoving me and calling me names, and when the incident was over, he would get on his knees and cry...and beg for forgiveness. His explanation to me was that he just got so upset at the thought of me being unhappy or giving my time to someone else, that it just scared him to the point of acting out, and like a dummy I believed in him.
My ex was a drinker and when he drank...he became pure evil. He had also taken alot of street drugs and smoked marijuana, but never having been exposed to the drugs, I didnt see the signs of any of it, except the drinking. By saying he turned pure evil...I mean after we married, I became a slave to him and had no life. As days went by...we had few good days and many bad days, but I remember going to work with black eyes, scratches and even burn marks on my skin. Yes..when he drank and came down off his high, he thought of every way to torment me and that included putting cigarettes out on my body, taunting me with knives and scissors and taking extremely painful and emotionally draining sex from me at any time he chose...sorry, I still cant say rape :(
Just when I had enough and was ready to run away, I found out I was pregneant. I had alot of female issues, and I found that birth control made me worse....and I was young enough to think that if I didnt 'enjoy and climax' during the forced sex, that I couldnt get pregneant, but once again, I was wrong. I had no one...my family was so wrapped up in fighting with each other and putting me down for my weight issues...and I did close myself off to the world, out of shame. Finding out I was having a girl changed everything....for a while. He seemed excited beyond words, and even stopped drinking and smoking marijuana, so of course I thought that my life was about to get better. Wrong again. He forced me to stop working, with the excuse that I needed to pamper myself, so as usual I followed orders. I had no friends, no family, no phone and eventually he took my car keys when he worked, and I knew that one day he would kill me. Little did I know...that he was trying to seclude me from the entire outside world, and he succeeded.
Things were great for about 3 months after my daughter was born, and then the cycle of abuse started again. Alot of name-calling, more cussing at my friends and family, more bruises and most of all...more crying from my baby girl. The crying angered him to the point that I really thought he would kill both of us and just when I got the nerve to leave, he would tell me that if I left....he would borrow money and take full custody of my girl, burn down my parents home and laugh while they burned....so I stayed and took it more and more. Raw hamburger shoved down my throat.....being forced on all four's and being sodomized in front of my baby...being kicked and made to eat out of the dog bowl...the list goes on and on. I remember running for the front door to escape....and one time he actually got me by the ankles and dragged me back inside...while all my neighbors watched. Yep..no one would help cause they were so scared of him. I was doomed and even talking to the sacker at the grocery store while he was bagging our food, got me accused of sleeping around and also got my faced smashed into the windshield. I finally never even looked up at anyone, when I was in public and I was trying to think of ways to end my life...but I didnt want to leave him in control of my child and her life, so I felt worthless. He drove me down a dark path to a field once...he locked all the doors and told me to try to get away..."scream and see what will happen now Bitch"...is what he repeatedly yelled at me. I refused to yell back, out of fear and got so scared I peed my pants. He stripped off my clothes and forced me to walk through the trees and brush naked...minus my underwear on my head...getting all cut up, but he finally made me get back in the car.
We split several times and I would get threats about my family, and back then the police were pathetic. They would tell me that the law was on his side...because we were married, so I was trapped in a vicious cycle with no one to help at all. I got an Ex-Parte, and I may have well used it for toilet paper, and when he was arrested for DWI...I snuck to the courthouse and begged the judge not to prosecute him. I knew that when he got out...he would take it out on me, and of course...he did. He left notes in my car...very graphic depictions of how he would put me under for good, with a concrete block and chains on me and throw me off a bridge and so many other vile, dusgusting acts, that I was sure he would really kill me. I even showed the notes to the police and they said that they had no proof that he actually wrote the notes....I was so frustrated.(Yes...I had forgotten he had a car key). I knew then that I was really on my own in every way and I was petrified for my life and the life of my girl. Having grown up in a family of abusers and violence, part of me really thought that it was natural for all woman to endure what I went through, and beings my mom did nothing but criticize me.... I couldnt absorb that I HAD to get out, at first.
The last time I was with him...my daughter had just turned a year old and I couldnt take it anymore. I wasnt allowed to have a party for her, but he went out and got drunk to celebrate alone...so I knew I was in trouble. He parked his car behind my car when he came home, so I was trying to prep my mind for what he was about to do and this was the last straw for me. He came in and started to throw things...scream in my face... spit on me, and when my baby cried, he was enraged...all because he had been in a fight at a bar and gotten his ass kicked. I was holding my baby and I remember looking around for protection, but what I seen instead of help...still gives me the shivers. As he was trying to yank my girl from me, I glanced at the front door to plan an escape, and I seen his nephew looking in and drinking a can of beer. I screamed for him to help me and instead of rescuing us...he stood and watched my ex abuse me...like he was at the movie theater watching the greatest movie ever made. My ex had slapped my glasses off my face, so my vision was blurry,...but I can still remember his nephew smiling as he watched and at that moment, my ex looked over and seen him. My heart raced and I thought that maybe he would leave me alone, but instead...he got worse. He seemed to 'perform' when he beat me and looked to his nephew for approval and that lasted about an hour.
I will never forget that night and the fact that someone would stand and watch, but at the same time...thats when I knew I had to make a choice. After hours of screaming at me and repeatedly taking my child from me...my ex passed out on the couch, so I went to bed. I lay in bed thinking of ways to get out..but with his car behind mine, I couldnt figure out a way to leave. No way to call anyone, no car....I was screwed. Then...by some act of God, I had an idea and I went for it. I wanted to get to my daughter so we could get out...but we had creaky hardwood floors and he had caught me more then once, trying to creep out. My heart racing....and hands shaking, I got down on all 4's and I slid on my belly into the bedroon where my daughter was sleeping...for what seemed like days to accomplish. I remember reaching down and cupping my hand over her mouth, so that she wouldnt wake up and cry, and I still have guilt to this day for doing that, but I had to do what I had to do.
With my baby in one arm, (and her mouth being muzzled by me), I somehow got down low enough to the ground to get to where he was passed out,....and suddenly...he moved. I just knew he had heard me, but he rolled over and was facing the back of the couch, so I made my move. I stopped at the coffee table...which was directly in front of the couch he was laying on...and reached out with one hand to grab the keys, but I realized I had to make sure that the keys didnt jiggle, and when your shakin and holding a baby...thats not an easy task.
Somehow I got the keys and gripped them in my hand, and I KNEW that this was my last chance to get past him. By whatever power or force was with me that night...I made it out. I got to the garage, but then another obstacle...I had an automatic door opener to deal with and I knew if I didnt go for it...that he would possibly kill me. So...I went for it. I opened the door and ran for my life...took his keys and got in his car...(He had blocked my car in remember?)...and as soon as I locked the doors, I looked up and there he was. His hand and face all bloody from his earlier fight only made him look more evil... so I was scared all over again. He grabbed the car door and tried to bust out the window, but my adrenaline was flowing and I was determied to get away. I floored his car to get it in reverse and the rest is a blur, and the next thing I knew...it was the next morning and my daughter and I were alseep in the car.
The most ironic thing? I was arrested for taking his car and spent 5 hours in jail!!! Yeah...amazing how the system works, but beings the car was only in his name...it didnt matter to the police that we were married...and I was charged with car theft. I couldnt believe that one man can cause so much grief and torment....but the silver-lining? I was pregneant again, but I knew there was no going back. After my 2nd child was 4 months old I connected with a man that was the older brother of my sons best friend, and we married about 2 years later. Well...needless to say, he started to abuse me...he shoved me one time and that was it. I threw him out and never went back, and out of that came another blessing. I got pregenant with twin boys....yes..more kiddos, but I absolutely credit my kids for saving my life.
I knew I had to break that cycle of violence...and I did it. My kids are now 23, 21 and the twins are 20, and we are a strong, close knit, loving family and I couldnt ask for better. My girls are both married at young ages and simply love being mothers, and my twins have great jobs and they have their own places to live...so we really can make change happen. We are products of our enviroment and as parents, its up to us to break the chain and give your kids what they deserve. My mom was too weak to do it on her own, but I did it and I would do it 100 times again. My self-image has been ruined and I am extremely overweight, but all the abuse has caused my to have PTSD, and any meds I take seem to make me gain weight. I have 3 grandkids now and when I look back....I am finally proud of myself, and I know that I made the right choices.
When people ask me how I did it...I dont speak of my abuse. I thought that I was just doing what all moms do...but I have since learned over the years, that not all mothers can pull off what I managed to do. I had 4 kids in High School at one time and all 4 of them were on stage getting Honor Roll awards....and achieving goals that they set for themselves and I'm extremely proud. I was mom, dad, referee, counselor, therapist, plumber for so many years and I love being independent. I can fix my own appliances, work on my car....been single for 20+ years and I can finally say that I am a great mother and actually accept it. My kids are raised and my next goal is to lose weight....and I dont want to do it for anyone but myself. I want to be able to go on walks, go swimming and do so many other things that being a grandparent is all about. Its hard for me to work a fulltime job, due to arthritis, fibromyalgia and extremely high blood pressure...but Im hoping that weight loss will help me to control those things.
What I hope to do by sharing my story...is reach just one woman that thinks she cant do it alone. I am living proof that you can do it and I have actually thought about writing blogs to answer to women that have been abused...but I don't have the confidence to do anything like that. Who knows? Maybe if I can lose weight, that can be another inspiration to someone that is in my shoes and I can once again...stand proud of myself. As I type this...there are lots of tears. Not sure if its a relief to actually talk about it....(even though I left out MANY abusive acts and never told my kids),.... or if I cry because I wonder how many woman are living that life today. Thanks goodness I saved my girls...they have great husbands and they know that they deserve the best. To anyone else that is in pain....please know that we do care and we hope you see the exit sign, and soon. Life is too short, and you deserve to be happy. I remember running to the bathroom and vomitting, just at the sound of my ex pulling in the drive....and I never have to live that way again.
My ex is now 58 years old and has been arrested so many times for abusing women...yet somehow he is still in society. Every once in a while I look him up on on the local court site...and there they are. Charges and more charges. Adult protection orders...DWI's...warrants for assault...marriages and divorces....and with all that, he still is allowed to exist in the community. I am no longer scared of him...although I could use therapy for my emotional pain and my nightmares, but I know now that my life is better then his will ever be and I broke that cycle..the one that he wanted to keep going for a lfetime. He has NEVER taken one of the visitations he was actually allowed (Thank God), and he never paid one penny of support and thats ok. He was recently arrested again...and it seems his past has caught up to him. He has so many probation violations that he is locked up and cant get out. Part of me wants to go see him...and have my girls meet thier father, but the other part of me knows how he will manipulate our emotions, and open those closed wounds, so I stay away. Kharma really does get them in the end...so keep your head high. Take care of yourself, so you can set that example for your kids. Their enviroment really does make a difference to them, so be strong and refuse to let anyone tell you that your worthless. Thanks for reading....feels great to share. Much more to say...but this is plenty. God Bless...Susie