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Whether it's physical, sexual or verbal, abuse is unacceptable. Are you a survivor? How did you cope? Share your story.

If you believe you need immediate assistance, please call your local emergency number or crisis hotline listed in your local phone book's government pages.

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Help end the silence on domestic violence.
Replied By: lssanders on Oct 19, 2014, 9:26AM - In reply to oceanentity
Says I am self centered and the world doesent revolve around me. What?  I do everything he expects from me and it is still like this????  I try to be myself and have a good time and then this is what I hear. I read where it is okay to be yourself and to do what is best for you!  But when he sees me with my friends having a nice time, laughing etc. then I hear some crap. I don't take advantage of people and people love me. Jealous maybe?  He doesn't get attention then his world falls apart. Calls me from work whinning and cussing because the computer don't work etc.  Says "YOU don't care YOU don't have to deal with it"  Crap! Crap!
Cray Cray!!!!!
Replied By: shelluch on Oct 16, 2014, 4:58PM
I have been through all three starting with the sexual abuse from the hands of my father when I was just a child. It went on for many years until I was finally given the opportunity to tell. Not only was going through the trial like being raped all over again I then had to deal with the physical abuse that my stepmother put me through for "sending her husband away." I finally managed to get out of that sistuation and moved to live with my real mother (who I never knew) only to be subjected to her mental and drug abuse world. I did however, find some happiness when living with my mother and finding a man that would change my world forever (some for the good, some for the bad). Unfortunatly, my first marriage would be to a very verabally and physically abusive man. After a very tragic incident I finally woke up and got myself out of that sistuation and found my way back to the man who changed my world forever and is now my husband of 21 years. Even when we got back together things were not easy he knew of my past (one of the reasons I believe our relationship is so special, and the first man I ever trusted in my life.) In order for our marriage to survive I wrote a book :Broken Trust" under a pen name. Writing this book was like reliving everything all over again, but it saved me and my marriage. My husband went through every emotional aspect of the way with me as I wrote the book. After the book was finished I found a whole new world, since then I have had peace and happiness in my life. Life is by no means perfect, but I am a survivor and live a happy life with my husband and 4 wonderful children (2 boys from me from the first marriage and a boy and a girl from my husbands first marriage.) I made it my lifes goal that our children would never go through what I went through and I am happy to say that they never have. We have a close, loving family and if Ihave learned anything in life it is that patterns can be broken and surviors can move on to live happy lives. My daughter says it the best. We are a happy dysfunctional family. In reality though is there a family out there that isn't dysfunctional in one way or another. Good luck to all you surviors out there and remember that you to can have the happiness and wonderful life that you deserve (it just takes us a little loner to get there).
Replied By: lunawalks on Sep 28, 2014, 3:26AM
I was in a domestic abuse marriage for 20+ years.  I finally was able to get out and get a divorce 10 years ago.  By the time I got out, I was living like I was on autopilot.  I just went through the motions each day and tried to stay out of his way, as well as keep the kids out of his way when he was having a bad day.  That is what he called it. A bad day.  Something didn't go as he wanted it to at work, he brought his bad day home and I got to reap the rewards of it. Yes, I am being sarcastic there.  Sometimes the abuse was physical, but most often it was verbal/emotional and at times it was sexual.  

I am from a generation who still believed that what happens behind closed doors should remain behind closed doors.  You never spoke to anyone about it.  You made the choice to marry that person, so you were expected to take it.  I remember being told , "you made your bed, now lie in it" by ones I tried to go to for help. After a while, i realized that there would be no help for me.  My ex had also convinced me by then that I should be grateful that he married me since no one else would have me.  I was worthless.  We had three children and I had 10 miscarriages.  He was of a religious belief that promoted the ideas of having a large family.  Once the dr said I couldn't have more children, my value dropped even further.  I had to sleep on the couch.  It was the only safe option that would allow me to sleep without waking up to being hit.  Yeah, he would hit me while I slept.  I guess it was being smart as I could not say for a positive fact that he did it on purpose.  

I couldn't make eye contact with others when we were away from home without him wondering how I knew that person, who was nearly always a stranger.  I was conditioned to believe that my family had no use for me or else they would have been trying to stay in contact.  Yet, when someone did contact me, he said that they just wanted something from him.  He argued that they didn't want anything to do with me except to get what they wanted from him.  Through all the abuses that he put towards me, one constant theme was in place.  He was a good Christian man who was simply being a leader in his home.

When I first went to the crisis center, I kept my hair down so that it worked like blinders to keep people from seeing my face if they wre beside me.  My arms were always tightly crossed at my chest and I never made eye contact with anyone.  I spoke in a whisper, saying as little as possible.  Loud noises or voices always had me ready to hide.  The counselor said I had PTSD from the years of abuse and was borderline as to whether my depression needed medication or not.  She never put me on any medication, but gave me coping tools.

Today, I am doing much better.  I live in a different state and have married a man who is a gentle soul.  We have had two children together.  It is odd  to have grown adult children from the first marriage and two young children from the second marriage.  I love my family though.  Even as well as my life is right now, I still have moments when the old feelings of being overwhelmed still creep up on me.  After so many years of being told how worthless I was, it is hard to fully shake it off.  Thankfully, it doesn't happen often.  When my 2nd husband and I got together, I was prone to panic attacks if something was misplaced.  This because of the way I was treated by my ex when he would hide something then make me believe I had lost the item.  One thing that lingers and is still a constant battle is that I am nervous around tall men.  Ex was tall and used his height to intimidate me.  Raised voices or arguements cause em to have to really struggle not to withdrawl inside myself.  My husband and I have never argued, but he and his stepdad used to love to have debates, which sometimes got a bit intense for my comfort.

I am still learning that it is okay to voice an opinion.  I am learning to find my own stregnth.  Talking to people I don't know very well still has the power to make me extremely nervous, but I am getting better at it.  My biggest hurdle at this time is that I still have trouble looking at myself and seeing anything beautiful reflected in the mirror.  I have a few facial scars from my life with my ex and even though they are minor by most people's standards, they are a constant reminder of the abuse.  I was never taught how to use make-up or be girlie, so I am hopeless with trying to cover the scars with makeup.  I dream of dressing in a very feminine way, but that is another area where I am hopelessly ill-equipped.  LOL  I am a rural living wife & mom, so there is really very little opportunity to look girlie anyways, I guess.

What I am trying (and doing a bad job of) saying is that after years of abuse, the healing doesn't come overnight.  Just because you get away from it, doesn't mean that the damage to your mind and spirit magically fades away.  It takes time.  It took years for the abuse to do it's damage.  I feel like I am an onion.  I have lots of layers, just as an onion does.  And just like onions can make you cry, peeling back the layers of the aftermath of abuse in my life can also bring tears.  The good part though is that the tears become theraputic in that they a healing instead of an expression of pain.  Eventually, I will make full peace through my healing.  Until then, I am simply glad for the progress I have made and happy that the good times far outway the days when the past tries to take hold of my emotions.
Replied By: ccforphil on Sep 26, 2014, 11:08PM
When I was 9 i watced my father abuse my mother verbally, emotionally and physically. I was 9 when it all came to a head when my father threw her down the hall and saw her hit her head on the bathtub. he had done things earlier all in front of me and when i was younger he would tell me how bad my mother was and asked if i wanted to be alone with her. I remember all the little things and would talk back to him to protect her. i was an only child annd didnt have many friends. after all the emotional abuse i started getting more verbal without bad language, but just asking why he did cettain things. But however in 1969 when i was 9 my father committed suicide in next room and i found him laying there and hearing my mother hysterical on the phone. no 911 back then.  this image is seared in my brain all these years. seeing my mother right afterwoods, was horrible.  My mother had thought about leaving him and taking me but there was nowhere for us to go since she couldnt drive.  After that happened my mother became empowered but I was molested by babysister, but never told anyone until I was 31 and told my husband. I didn't want to hurt my mom any further.    This is why I am so glad to hear that there are safe places to go to. After seeing Laura's House I Thank God there are places for women and children are safe.  I applaud Dr. Phil and Robin for bringing this forward.  I buy the lip gloss which I love and knowing 100% goes for domestic violence it makes me cry from the past and crying for all the victims that don't come forward for help. I understand completely.   My mom developed Alzheimers and my husband and I tried to help her at home but I realized it wasn't safe at home so with much regret and sadness had to place her in a home that takes care of only patients with same issues.  only blessing from Azheimers, she can't remember that time in her life.        Sorry my message was so long but hope girls know there is a soft place to fall as Dr. Phil says.      Thank You      Carol Chappina
Replied By: teffanyblake24 on Sep 26, 2014, 8:30PM
I wanted to say I was abused by my ex for 27 years got out 3 years ago Sexually 16 years before that with my stepdad, Had to leave my kids fro m Oklahoma 3 boys and my mom helping me Met a amazing man here in Oregon.
Replied By: angelbabe0922 on Sep 25, 2014, 3:42PM
Our story!!!
Tiffany Hulsey And Deanna Griffin!!!
First off let me start off by saying, No one deserves to be abused, raped, murdered, attacked or anything along the borderline of being hurt!! I keep reading and seeing on the news all these people that are getting hurt and I feel like sharing my sisters story with y'all!!
My sister Tiffany, 26 years old mother of 2 little girls; Katie age 5 and Kenzie age 8 months old at the time was in a relationship with Ken whom was the father of her youngest daughter. She thought everything was going okay, until their relationship took a turn for the worse and she ended up ending the relationship. Moved in with her best friend Deanna and her daughter in their apartment home. Everything was good with them they were living life like any friends/ mothers would live. They were working, raising their daughters everything seemed perfect, the only problem was Ken was doing some strange things. Keying their cars, leaving piece of clothing shredded into pieces on their front door, calling them and threatening to kill them, leaving crazy insane text messages; such as the devil is going to make me do some crazy things, and just wait y'all are going to get what is coming to y'all and what y'all deserve, and other random texts. Tiffany called the cops NUMEROUS times because Deanna and her were scared. They didn't do anything because they didn't have "proof" that he was actually going to do anything. Now they did say if they can get him to send a text directly or record him threatening them about killing them then they will do something about it. So Deanna and Tiffany lived life scared and afraid. One day Ken called Dfcs on Tiffany and told them she had drugs in the house, which was nonsense; so of course they came out to their apartment and searched the ENTIRE place, did they find anything you may ask? no they didn't because neither of them did such a thing. Well Tiffany had enough of all of this, so the only thing the cops told her was the only thing she could do was file for a restraining order since she didn't actually have proof of the threats!! So on may 11th 2010, It started out as a normal day, I went over to her house and spent the entire day with her, she helped me fill out applications for jobs online, she went to her oldest daughters school to sign her up for Kindergarten, and as she left she told me to lock the door and not answer it for no body as she was afraid ken would come at any time, she came home, we ate lunch, we hung out all afternoon playing with her youngest daughter who was only 8 months old at the time and just talking like sisters do! I got a call from my boyfriend saying he needed me to pick him up from work. As I told my sister this, she asked if I was coming back because she was afraid to be alone, she was afraid Ken was going to come kill her. I told her my boyfriend probably wanted to go home and shower up before Katie's T ball game that night and she said ok. Later that evening at 6 pm I got to the ball park we all enjoyed the game and afterwards we all said our goodbyes, and hugged one another. Little did we know, that was going to be the last time any of us would see Tiffany. Around 8:30 PM that may 11th 2010 night officers responded to gun shots. We believe that he shot both of the females and then turned the gun on himself, they all 3 died! I am not going to go into details on what really happened in that apartment when it happened unless you would like to know. Tiffany's two daughters, and Deanna's daughter witnessed the slayings! Its a horrible story and we are all still trying to cope. All 3 children are with family!
Unfortunately the police officers wouldn't listen to Tiffany and Deanna when they were trying to tell them that Ken was threatening them. If they would of done their jobs then who knows, Deanna and Tiffany would still be alive today. I am not trying to seek justice on what happened, but I believe something needs to be done. The officers wouldn't give our family her cell phone, they said they needed it for evidence, what evidence you may ask? there is none the man who did it is dead to. I believe the only reason they are keeping it is because they are trying to cover up there butts, because they know for a fact, Deanna and Tiffany were trying to tell the police officers that this man was threatening them. Its been 4 years and still to this day being Tiffany's sister, I think they have messed up and something needs to be done. Maybe that's just me but this is how i feel!
Most men who are asked to pay child support don't go on a killing rampage. One of the most dangerous times in an abusive relationship is after that relationship has ended. Men who are used to holding all of the power and control in a relationship begin to feel very threatened when that power is taken away. Many women we know never pursue child support, even though many really need it, because they fear their former partner's reaction to that request. They know that he could view child support payments as a further loss of power and seek to restore some of that power through tactics to invoke fear, such as stalking, violence, or homicide. Unfortunately, many women rely on child support to provide for their families and have no other choice than to remain connected to a man of whom they are desperately afraid.
Domestic violence is the establishment of control and fear in a relationship through physical, sexual, emotional, and/or financial abuse. Both men and women are capable of misusing power and perpetrating violence, and male victims are often just as afraid to call the police. More resources for female survivors exist, however, because overwhelmingly women and children suffer the most severe consequences (medical, legal, social, and financial) and therefore require the most intensive interventions. 
Many women choose to stay in abusive relationships because they do not want their relationship to end...just the violence. Women often remain in, or return to, abusive relationships because their partners threaten to harm them and their loved ones if they attempt to leave. Commonly, women choose to leave when they become convinced that their life is at risk, or that their children are in danger.
Domestic violence is not just a "family matter". The violence will not stop until men and women come together with a common attitude of non-tolerance. We must speak out for those who may not feel safe speaking up, and our children must learn through our words and example that violence is never justified
Being said of this, Why am I telling you all of this you may ask? Is because If your think you are in a similar situation, in an abusive relationship, and is afraid for your life. Don't wait to seek help, get it AS SOON as you think you are becoming in one. And if you think police officers are the person to turn to, think twice because they wont help. As you can read from above, they wouldn't do or listen to Tiffany nor Deanna. I believe they would both still be alive today if they would of been heard and if the police officers would of believed them. If someone is trying to tell you someone is threatening them, they are scared for their lives, please listen to them. Because domestic violence is no joke what so ever. We need to come together and help one another.
I hope this somewhat helps people who are in one, and realize the quicker you get out of one and the quicker you seek help the better. If this saves at least one person, then I know I have helped in someway!
Thanks for reading,
Replied By: denisecatania on Sep 25, 2014, 12:33PM
So many women stay in an Abusive Relationship because of fear and tunnel vision. There brain gets on a one way street going the wrong way and doesn't know where to turn to get off that street so they don't end up in the gutter. There is a block that does not allow them to see outside the backyard and are to fearful to open the gate. I'v never understood the excuse of "Because I love him" I understand love but love doesnt mean you sit in a corner and everytime he walks by you ask, are you going to play with me today? He yells NO and kicks you in the face and you sit there squated down like a meek little mouse and say with a tiny little voice.."ok" I'll wait right here or what can I do for you. Thats where the brain is no longer in control of you. He Is!!! I wish I could help talk to these women in hopes of helping them relize they are not of Lesser Value, they are worth the air God puts in there lungs. I have always said, God won't let Wrong be Right. I live by that. I have a saying I wish you would post or read. 

Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man's rib, not from his feet to be walked on, not from his head to be superior, but from his side to be equal! Under the arm to be protected, & next to the heart to be loved.


Replied By: bychancethomas on Sep 24, 2014, 1:19PM - In reply to bairbre
What he did was just as bad as hitting you if not worse.  I'm sorry you have gone through this.  It takes time to work it all out and there are no explanations that can take away your pain.  There is no explanation period.

Replied By: myalterego71 on Sep 23, 2014, 6:36PM - In reply to deschutesriver
Thanks for the help with the ideas for getting over a panic attact!  As an adult who has been traumatized from a very young age, it's not easy letting people see that side of us.  This is a very debillitating disorder.  In fact I was having one just before I got on here.  I do feel that getting distraced is helpful but it doesn't cure the long term problem.  This is why it is so improtant to talk to others who have PTSD.  There are times that we can't talk with someone who has been in our shoes or walking with us in their own shoes.  Basically, its great to have someone elses imput on idea's for helping get through one of these things!  Thanks for the help!
Replied By: deschutesriver on Sep 22, 2014, 5:59PM
I was diagnoised with PTSD from my ex-husband abuse.  A wonderful licensed therapist taught me to use the tapping tool to stop the panic and high alert attacks and I wanted to share this tool with you.  When I feel the panic or high alert symtoms I cross my arms aross my chest and tap one at a time my hand to my arm.  I do not tap fast just nice rythmic pat.  It was explained to me that the panic and/or high alert comes on through my sub-consciencleand and trying to mentally reason those feelings away takes too much time.  But tapping seems to break the high alert warning.  I will also say while I'm tapping - " I am safe now he cannot hurt me" over and over.  I don't always have to say words and best of all I've found that I can tap the side of one thigh with one hand and that will also break the panic.  If an attack comes on when there are people around, which is normally the case I can be discret.  Please share this with anyone you know it really works.  And yes women who have been abused can easily suffer from PTSD.  I'm sure there are children as well who suffer.  Great tool!  And many many thanks to my therapist who worked with me for 2 years, helping me over come my fears and to be able to lead a more normal life.
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