When you said that you would never want another relationship, I was like "A-freakin-MEN"!

My H has ruined love for me.

How we met and how it is between us now is a long story. I'll just say there is mucho emotional and verbal abuse, with a light smattering of physical abuse (again, looooong story, but the unforgivable times happened when I was pregnant). He did say when we met that when we got together that I would have to do everything he told me. I didn't think it would entail everything happening now in our marriage, because he had just done 12 yrs in prison. I was thinking "well he really knows how it is to have your freedom taken away, so it won't be so bad in the long run."

Boy am I laughing at myself now for saying that drivel.

My H is 30 yrs. older than me (I'm 31 and he is 61, but has the body of a 40-something year old). Sooner or later his Hepatitis C (which has been in a low viral load for 20+ years) will catch up to him and I will be a widow.

[I wish no ill will on him, love him passionately, and am really glad that he is so healthy now (I'm a big believer in the power of thoughts and karma and all that), so don't get what I just said in the last paragraph all twisted and everything!]

After that, I don't want a cotton-pickin' thing to do with men, love or marriage! I might even swing the other way (but that's probably streching it a little...let's just say I have "tendencies" now). Whatever I do at that point, everything is going to be about LOVING MYSELF FIRST. That is what I truly believe is the main problem to why most of my relationships failed at one point or another. Even this one. Like RuPaul says (or is it one of the other well-known fabulous drag queens?), "If you don't love yourself, how in the HELL do you expect someone else to love you?!!?"

or something to that effect. I'm not sure if those are the exact words.

I never really got a chance to really know myself. I'm still trying to figure out myself, even after 3 children. I know I'm a mother, a wife, and a lab tech; but I still don't have a clue really and truly who the hell it is I'm supposed to be. I know I'm not making any sense to most of you reading this, but I hope I'm getting through to someone (and that's what matters to me).

I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship. He has done a complete change. He is like a different person. Will it last?

I'm going to take full advantage of this post because I don't know if I'll be able to log in again. It's a shame.... this board used to be to so helpful and supportive. Now it's a gamble of whether you'll even be able to log in or not. Anyways......

Help- Please don't let your guard down, don't forget how they work. I've been there, H is so nice and he's being nice for a longer period of time than usual, so you start to question yourself, "maybe I'm wrong about him" "maybe it's because I do this or I do that" and then when you get settled in and start enjoying your time with him- Wham! It's like a sledge hammer coming down on your head, he proves that you were right all along and he made you forget. It hurts even more when you're not expecting it. He is an abuser! Please don't get hurt. I'll keep you in my prayers.

To everyone reading, please take care and if you are on other abuse boards, look for me, I'll try to keep my user name the same or try to keep close. Take care.

Good girl

The tech team is aware of the issues you mentioned and suggest you try clearing cache and cookies whenever you have a problem until we can get this fixed. If you need instructions, please e-mail Tech Support under Contact Dr. Phil at the top.

also why does the abuse message board after posting, why does it go back to a page dated Sept. 18, 2009,  at the intro to the  Abuse message board?

Gee whiz....any indication of possibilities would be helpful, information needed.

Thank you.

Pleasance

Moderator please pass this along to tech.

First I could not log in.

It wouldn't go anywhere.

Then I couldn't access the log in page.

Then I could.

I put in information and it would not go anywhere nor allow access.  Over and over again any and all attempts through each provided door, design and indicated on the home page and message board page.

Finally, one worked, do I remember which one, NO!

I posted finally, .......

Now, I can't sign off.

I can not log out.

No correct section will allow it.  I can't sign out.

Though the attempts are abound.

Please advise, I note the other members the other day were having the same problems....so hence an additional situation preventing access in and out.

Please help.

Please advise.

Thank you in advance.

Pleasance

To all my longtime "summit"  friends and many, many others in here ...

Have checked in here from time to time, as my time constraints and situation allows.

Disappointed , as are many, many of you...with the board and the ramifications of the  changes to the format.

Miss hearing from so many.

Miss being able to confer with all.

I see a few of you are in here posting and helping...many, many thanks.

Everyone's input is sooooooooooo valuable.   Please all jump in, and help out.   Your input helps everyone.  Truly it does.

Remain safe.

Educate yourself.

Seek resources.

Get help, the shame is NOT yours !

There is help out there all around you.

Remain safe.

HAVE A PLAN !!!

My warmest regards.

I care.

Take care.

Pleasance    ~~~~~ "P"

What you have described here is a classic case of abuse.   It started as emotional abuse and is escalating to physical abuse.  Google 'abuse cycle' and you will see that your relationship fits the cycle of the bad times and the good times.   I recommend that you educate yourself about abuse- a really great book is 'Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.  You will be amazed when you read it how well  it explains every detail of what you are going through.  Please get yourself a copy.  Educate yourself on all of the details of abuse so that you can see what is going on.  Somewhere on this board is a list of great websites-I will see if I can find it and post it or maybe someone reading could post it. 

You also need to determine why you are willing to put up with his crap.  Why is your self-esteem so low?  Find a counselor that understands the dynamics of abuse and go a few times to help you see what is going on. 

You deserve a better life than this.

Educate yourself, keep posting, and move forward one step at a time.

You can do it. 

This is a really long post, please bear with me.

I'm 27 years old. Last April, I got married to the man I had been seeing for 5 years in an on-again-off-again kind of relationship where he left me twice on some pretext or the other and then returned after 6-8 months of complete silence and lack of contact from his end. I never really understood why he left (there was no real reason that he gave me) and the second time he left me, he told me he didn't think he'd ever return...

I didn't get over him so I kept taking him back. Despite breaking up with me the second time, we kept sleeping together...it was my suggestion, I was crazed by the fact that he wanted to leave me again and just wanted to do anything at all that would keep him from leaving me. It didn't work, though.

Before he came back the second time, I was seeing a colleague at work. It was nothing serious, and at a physical level, it never went beyond kissing. Once my
then-bf-now-husband returned, I cut contact with my colleague, interacting with him strictly for work only.

A few months later, (nov 2006), I discovered that I was pregnant with my bf. He is in the military and he was stationed at another place from me. Despite the fact that I wanted to keep our child and the fact that we were both old enough to be married, had stable jobs, he chose that I should have an abortion. I tried medical abortion which failed twice and finally had to go through surgical abortion.

During that one month, he never, once, mentioned that he would come to help me or be with me. He wouldn't answer my calls when I called from the hospital, he wouldn't even remember to ask what my test reports were saying. At the same time, I discovered emails in his account from a lady he had met on a train, who was under the impression that he was going to marry her while all the time, he had been making these very same promises to me. At the time of my surgical abortion, he told me it was a minor thing, no big deal and I'd be back the same day so I shouldn't worry. I remember he made me feel guilty for calling him, wanting to talk to him, for needing him by saying he was so bogged down by work and I didn't understand and was pestering with my calls and by needing him!

Four days after my surgical abortion, I was fired from my job. My performance had plummeted severely in the month before but I didn't expect things to come to this...it was my first job ever and being fired was something that really shocked me...and after the whole abortion debacle, I wasn't really prepared to deal with losing my job...especially since I had used up all the money I saved from my work for the surgery and tests (he did not offer to help, there either) again, his reply was only that I had been unhappy in that job anyway...

I went out with that colleague of mine, twice. Although I couldn't go beyond kissing him. I know I just wanted someone to comfort me, I was hugely just low and miserable and the one person I really needed, was again not being there...sure he sent text messages off and on but I needed actions...not words.

Well, my bf and I, we went for a holiday (it was his idea, to give me some relief from all the "pain") at the end of dec and then suddenly, he became very loving and kind. He explained about the girl in the emails. I knew before we went for the holiday that I should leave him. If he had cared for me at all, he would have come. It was not needy to expect the person who was as responsible for the situation to come and shoulder his share, especially when prior to that and even during that time, he was all about claiming his undying love to me (which felt like empty words since he wasnt doing anything to give me any real help or concern)

But he behaved so nicely, took care of me so well that I really felt that I should forgive him. I convinced myself thinking that maybe he just wasn't mature enough and would "grow up" ...made plenty of excuses for him to myself. Then I began to feel guilty for the colleague and for not having told him.

A few months later, I told him. In retrospect, I think it was a foolish thing to do...but I did not want to be dishonest or hide something from him. He didn't want to be with me or marry me after that. I promised him to try my best to win his trust back and to quit my job and join him wherever he is or
stay with his family at home. He told me, he'd get over things with time, promised me, he would. For a year after this, I returned home from work before 8 (I worked long hours) pm because he asked me to, I called him before I went anywhere, I went for movies alone, if I was running late, I would text him or call him and let him know where I was. I even discussed moving to another city for a new job, which would be really good for my career, with him.

Yet, he began to purposely find reasons to fight with me and bring up the subject over and over. He would keep insulting me, call me names. When I would have cried enough, he would apologise and tell me he had felt angry and he really couln't stay without me at all and that the thought of another man terrified him...

He kept saying he didn't want to marry me but still came and met my parents to seek their permission. (he claims it was because, I told him I could not stay without him, not because he wanted to!) despite the fact that they agreed...he contrived to have us secretly marry in sep 2007 without telling our parents so that he would feel "comforted". Funnily, it was totally his idea and I tried several times to make him see reason but it always came to my interaction with the colleague and finally, fool that I was, I complied.

From the time we got married, (we had an additonal ceremony last year...for the families, since we did not tell them about the earlier wedding) he became reluctant to formalise the relationship...to tell our parents...hold a proper ceremony...etc. Every time I mentioned it, he would accuse me of make him feel small because by asking him when we would be able to stay together properly, I was reminding him that his sister was not yet married...this would be followed by exceptional outbursts of rudeness, complaints that I was pestering him on the phone, etc.

For all the time that we were in a relationship but not married, he was really liberal and once we got married...he started to talk about all these traditional "caveman" values that he expected to exist between a couple. I was totally knocked off my feet by some of the things he said since they were so outrightly against what he had been doing in the past years, with me and yet he expected me to do those things and called me a deal-breaker if I didn't agree to something...reminding me with every mistake I made or something I disagreed with that he had never wanted to marry me...he added dimensions to the promises I had made to help him trust me again...which I'm still finding out!

He has told me I'm the biggest mistake of his life. He keeps bringing up the colleague.Despite the fact that I really liked the job I was in when we got married, he insisted that I leave it to live with him, keep my promises (not that I did not intend to, but I knew considering the place he was at, I would not be able to stay there for more than two months and would then be jobless and would have to again stay separately for 6 months before I could join him, I felt it would be better if I quit at the end of those 6 months, instead...but he was unwilling to listen saying that I was breaking my promises)  about packing my bags and going where he asked. He began throwing tantrums when he realised that I needed to serve my complete notice period (1 month) before I could join him. He has fought with me over why I was not joining him the day he wanted me to, called me mentally sick and used other derogatory terms for me...and this was even before we started to live together.

From the day that I joined him, we have been miserable. I am not good enough for some reason or the other. He has told me that he has failed in this marriage because he believed that once he married me, he could change me to suit himself. He told me the only reason he liked me and thought he could marry me was because he believed he could customise me the most to suit his needs. He believes it is my DUTY to do as he says, be as he says, behave, eat, sleep, think, only in the manner that he likes and accept whatever he gives me in return.

On several occassions he has told me that maybe it wasn't our kid that I aborted, that I cannot possibly expect him to take responsibility for every woman on the streets who claims to be pregnant with his child. He has blamed me for the pregnancy saying that I insisted on intercourse, that I purposely did not take my meds on time...despite the fact that I'm the one who bought the condoms, who still buys them and the pills and he never showed any interest saying that he feels shy. Every other day he would tell me that he did not love me, I had forced him to marry me, that I was a disappointment to him and his parents, he did not care for me, did not want me there, he would book my tickets and send me back the next day.

Our fights would begin over anything that I expressed, any independent thought I had...anything at all...there was no real reason for them, but they always went to the same place.

I stayed with him for about two months and then came back. I could not stay with his parents because of some differences with them. His sister misbehaved and I felt that some of the things she said were in-appropriate but what made it worse was that my mother-in-law (although I always respected her and she seemed to like me as well) just watched in silence and let her carry on...only to claim later that I made things up, it never happened and I was trying to blackmail my in-laws because my sis-in-law's marriage did not work out...

Despite this, I tried to make an effort to go over and stay with them but every time I tried, made an effort, he would first fight with me before I went to their place saying that they didn't care, didn't want me, nobody wants someone like me and that they were just pretending and when I would come back to my parents, he would rant and rave about his disappointments and threaten me with having an affair with someone else to show me how it feels. He began telling me he wanted to give me a divorce as a regular affair. Every time I asked him to take the decision, he would tell me, it would have to be my decision, not his.

He would promise later, once the fight was over, to not talk about the colleague but always forget about it. Twice, when he brought up the issue of my colleague, coupled with other derogatory things, I slapped him. I just did not think about what I was doing...and even though it was so impulsively done, I felt a ton of guilt and apologised because it was really something that happened impulsively. After those few times, I made a resolve to never hit him no matter what he said or how he provoked me and I stuck to it.

At the same time, he planned a holiday and we went to Egypt for new years eve. I really thought it might help us but it just made everything worse. Once, I followed the tour guide, he threw a fit of anger and began publicly insulting me although all I had done was ask him to pose for a picture instead of taking mine. He called me all sorts of names, told me to go drown myself in the nile, told me I was not good enough on my own to ever come on a trip like this and I ought to be grateful to him. Later, he threw money and his wallet at my face, in a mall full of people, when I asked him for some extra money if I wanted to buy something I really wanted. He left me alone at the airport when we returned and stalked off after telling me to get lost because I asked him not to buy liquor from the duty free shops (he'd been drinking alone, excessively and it was starting to worry me).

Our fights always begin the same way. He makes some nasty comment and I ask him if there's something wrong, why he's talking like that and he just keeps getting nastier and nastier and more hurtful with each word but he doesn't tell me what's bothering him...instead he then starts to claim that I'm prolonging the fight...because there comes a point when Ive been so hurt by his words that I need to know why he's saying it all...and that is the moment he says he needs to finish the conversation because its making him sick!...sometimes its hours before he actually tells me what was wrong...and it is stuff that's laughable. Things that can be resolved with the smallest of gestures are like doorways to battlefields, between us. If I ignore him, he keeps saying these terrible things until I break down or snap back or respond in some way...

What made it worse was the fact that we were at this desolate place where I could not get any transport on my own or help. I felt like I was living a nightmare and would end up committing suicide...spending so many days crying myself to sleep on the bathroom floor or just wishing I were dead...instead of having to love such a person or hear some of the things he says.

I went to Australia for 2 months, with my parents, and while I was there, I decided that this relationship is really toxic and I cannot carry on. I know that I insisted on making things better but it doesn't feel like he ever wants to let go of any past issues. When I came back from there, he appeared really apologetic and told me to give us one last try. So I went and joined him again. Because of our parents' intervention, he promised to let go of the past, not to bring it up again.

Now things are so bad that I cannot stay with him for a minute without feeling like anything at all that I say will lead to a vindictive response. It is as if I'm permanently walking on eggshells. He picks on me for the smallest of reasons. He doesn't want to be alone with me for even a second. His day begins at 5 in the morning, with badminton followed by work, sleep, work, badminton, partying and TV. If I happen to ask for some time from him, he makes me feel like I'm asking for his life. If we go out for a meal, he spends all his time talking to other people on the phone while I sit by myself. He is very nice to me every time there is a party from his work to go to but always picks a fight soon after. He doesn't bring up the past like he used to, but now he makes subtle references to it and then laughs at me. If I cry, heasks me if I cannot understand that when he is laughing watching me cry, that he doesn't care about me?

He doesn't want to have sex claiming that he has really low libido levels despite an 8GB stash of porn on his laptop and the fact that each time I'm not there, he watches it in someone else's room, borrows more from someone else and more sexually active in a week than he is, in a month with me. He has even suggested wife swapping, supposedly to satisfy me!!! I find his porn stash a really weird thing to have when I'm living with him. I do not understand it. Its weird though, I've tried watching it, just to know what sort of a high it may be but I only end up feeling a sense of revulsion and neglect.

But he wakes me up in the middle of the night and all of a sudden wants to have sex and then in the morning, he claims he doesn't remember anything and I must've initiated it...(it is impossible to rouse him from sleep without making him angry...unless he has to meet someone or go to work) but at those times, he is a completely different man...rough...angry and hurtful...several comments have followed at these times too...including the last time when he asked me why I was lying on the bed like a dead dog.

Since I'm relatively less outgoing, he makes all these sudden plans for outings and then claims that I should tell him well in advance (24 hours) if I don't want to go along!!! He keeps a score for everything and retaliates in ways that I cannot complain about, he doesn't raise his voice but there is real hatred on his face and in his eyes...he is great at schooling that expression to seem impassive when there is company but when we're alone he does things that make me feel like something is not right but I cannot say what it is, I have no proof of anything.

Everytime I go away from him, to meet my parents, he says he doesn't want to talk to me on the phone, is excessively nasty to me and says everything will be alright when Im with him...but when we're together, he leaves no stone unturned to make me miserable...and he enjoys it...sometimes its so evident...it makes me mad...its insulting, infuriating and hurtful all put in one and I can't help getting really angry and he just sits back and laughs at me....calls me crazy and revels in it...which makes me even angrier.

In any arguement, he mocks me and then pretends he finds what I say very amusing. The last time we had a fight, I was trying to make him stop speaking by putting my hand on his mouth and his head hit the wall behind the bed. it hurt him and I was really horrified at myself. I tried rubbing his head, massaging it, but after that night, I just couldn't sleep next to him. Now, I have come back to my parents again. I am agahst at myself. I didn't mean for that to happen but it makes me feel like I'm becoming unstable...and I question if Im becoming abusive.

Why have I started to hit him, because that's what it feels like...he claims its because I know that he won't hit back...which is not true... his words and behavior are so much worse and more damaging? I know it was an accident from my end but now he has another issue that he keeps reminding me of.

He doesn't really want me to work again...expects me to stay with his parents and do as they want and do something for myself if I have time left whether or not I have any respect there, means nothing to him (he has played a very major role in spoiling my relationship with them...any big or small issue that I feel like sharing with him, he talks to them about it behind my back and since I don't know what was said, I'm taken by surprise at the way they react...)or to be with him and live as per his rules...any digression is followed by lots of bad language and behavior... and after seeing the way he behaves, the only thing on my mind is to find a good job for myself, stand on my feet again. Now he blames all of our problems on the fact that I do not have a job and he believes that all our troubles will miraculously vanish when I find one.

I finally packed my bags and moved back in with my parents. Ever since then, I've found out that he has been mocking me infront of his friends, behind my back...removed me from his networking sites (I changed my profile pic and he says it made him really angry because he didnt understand who I had changed it for?)

Despite his lack of support, I was carrying on and then suddenly he called up saying that he has been slated for moving to a place where I can also join him and work as well... he was really enthusiastic about it...and now, suddenly he is very supportive...forwarding me contacts (he told me earlier that he knew people who could help me but purposely withheld their details from me) of his friends...but the real help that I need, discussions about nterviews, etc...he doesnt want to give. He wants me to go alongwith him halfway across the country to meet his best-friend who has just had a daughter and to spend a week her and the baby when I have an interview coming up...but he cannot take leave to see me and he cannot actually even talk to me for more than two minutes on the phone without reminding me how busy he is or being insulting...although he has himself stated that ever since he has been posted to a new place, he is really relaxing and enjoying his life!!!!

He came to meet me once, a month ago and made all these lofty promises which I believed...but as again, he now claims he doesn't remember saying anything at all about making any changes, any effort for this relationship...why does he expect me to find a job where he is going to now, when before he left, he told me he didn't think I am worth loving...or for that matter than any man would think Im worth having a family with and that I would make the world's worst mother...but despite this, he wants me to find a job where he is being posted.

He does not want to talk about us...or our relationship...he claims he is really comfortable and happy and that we are on great terms...and every time I mention I'm not ok with something he just tells me to stop wasting my time and focus on my job...that he does not have time to waste since life is too short not to enjoy and that I should have fun too...But he still says he loves me and misses me (occassionally, when he feels like it) sometimes he says he is willing to make all the changes necessary to make this work...even if I tell him I cannot believe him...he says that's its ok even if I never do but he will continue to make the effort...and then two days later...he forgets all about this conversation!...and then at another time he says it again only to forget abt it. He doesn't want to believe that I do not believe him anymore. I tiny part of me feels nice when he says he loves me but that doesn't last over a second.

Why does he forget everything that he says...by that I mean EVERYTHING...the bad parts, the insults, the so-called promises...all of it... but he puts a new spin on all that I say...interprets it as per his wish and then remembers it with distinctive clarity! If I simply mention something I would do and don't do it or forget, he says I have broken my promises...but on the other hand if I ask him about his promises or the things he said he'd do, he claims I'm bothering him, he's too busy or that I should get off his back. I am held accountable for everything I do or say or don't...and he doesn't want to be held accountable for anything...

I'm looking for a job now. To keep myself occupied. But I feel guilty. Guilty that I asked him to marry me, that I told him I could make everything alright again and failed at it. Guilty that I have left him alone at a very desolate place despite the fact that he has built a life for himself there, where there is no real need or place for me other than to suffer his vindictive attitude. He still tells me on the phone
that I pretend to care for him, pretend that I feel onflicted whether we should work on our marriage or if I should look for employment. Despite trying my hardest, I feel like I have failed. At everything.And I'm scared of hurting him. I'm not an abusive person. Why am I becoming like this?

More than all this...I want out but I'm afraid I won't be able to make it...that I'm not strong enough...what if he's right and I'm not worth loving... I know its not true but it really hurts anyway...

I remember who I was 7 years ago...happy....lighthearted, confident and someone who laughed a lot....now Im not even a shadow of that person but I want to be myself again and feel good about myself...

What will it take for me to move on? How do I do this...? I  haven't called him in 3 days...neither has he....it feels weird...but I feel like if I just go without it for one more day, and another after that and then another one...it would get better....slowly...

what can I do better....?

Pls help!

Goodgrl, good to hear from you.  You were missed. (As are others).  I am sorry your situation hasn't improved, but glad you are finding yourself.  Keep up the hard work.

Pleasance, thinking and praying for you.  I wish I knew the source of your suffereing, but I understand your need for privacy.

Often I think of Camelnose and wonder how she is doing.

I am glad that the Dr. P staff provided Bertha with some important resources.  Bertha, I hope you are using the resources to move forward, one step at a time.

As for me, my situation seems to have changed drastically.  For several weeks now, H has been almost completely nice and calm.  Better than he's ever been.  Before, even when he was in the 'honeymoon' or calm stages of the cycle, he still had an edginess to him that kept me feeling afraid.  Now that all seems to be gone.  I don't know what to make of it.  On one hand, I am afraid to get used to it-afraid he will zap me when my guard is completely down.  On the other hand, I am  getting pretty used to it.   I doubt that I could ever fall in love with him again in the real sense of the word, but living like this has been pretty comfortable.  I don't know what to make of it.  Slowly I have been climbing out of that horrible depression that haunted me for the past few years. 

Have a safe weekend everyone.