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Are you in a relationship that has been negatively affected by porn? Has pornography destroyed, or about to destroy your marriage? Is there hope for a relationship when one partner is addicted to porn? Share your advice and support here with others.

Please Note: This is a very sensitive subject matter to many people. Please keep in mind, this is a support message board, if you wish to discuss this topic in general, please visit the "Pornography" message board.
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Comments
Replied By: reze2911 on Jul 16, 2012, 4:46PM - In reply to feeeefeeee
Fywa
 
Replied By: heatherb11 on Feb 8, 2012, 4:32PM
I have been married 5 months, been together 2 years. Although I have known him way before we got together, Anyway, Im at my wits end. I do everything in bed he wants, I also want what I do. We have sex frequently. I have seen on internet him looking up nude teen girls, he has kids this age! 18 and 19. He thinks its ok that if he is horny and I cant do anything at that moment that he should be able to go upstairs and do it "alone". Im busy with kids and cant at that time. He dosent care how i feel about it and how it hurts my feelings. He tells me on a regular basis that he needs more and different.I do alot in bed. I told him today that I am leaving him. I love him so much. I just dont know what to do anymore. Am I giving up to quickly?
 
Replied By: feeeefeeee on Jan 28, 2012, 11:03PM
My husband and I have been married for 28 years. Up until 2 yrs ago we had a loving relationship, and a great sex life. Two yrs ago, everything changed. Our new cable company & the need for a computer brought access to pornography & obviously, curiosity on my husband's part. I began waking in the night to find my husband happily gratifying himself while viewing pornography. In the process, our sex life waned & then vanished completely. I also noticed that my 59 yr old husband began noticing and flirting with young ladies, usually in the 18 to 21 yr old range. And, he began making demeaning, degrading comments  about me, to these young women.In other words he was openly making fun of me. Also, when I  pinned my husband down to make love to me, I noticed that he couldn't function at all.He was able to get and maintain an erection with porn & satisfying himself, but not with me no matter what I did. Oral used to be his number one special pleasure. It did nothing for him at that time. Prior to  two yrs ago, my husband never had any erectile dysfunction.After the porn, it was constant. A year ago I let my husband know that if things didn't change in all respects, he was going to be saying  goodby to his wife of more than a quarter of a century. He stopped watching porn,the staring at young women, and the nasty comments about me ceased. He is an all around better husband than he ever was, & he was a good husband before porn entered our life. However, he still has problems with erectile dysfunction which was definitely caused by porn. There are numerous enlightening & pretty frightening articles about Porn ED online, plus message boards from men who are suffering from Porn ED. Some men regain their function when they quit porn, while others do not. It has been a year since my husband quit porn & only recently, is he able to maintain an erection with me giving him oral sex. He is not yet able to have intercourse, which is usually the first thing to go when you are suffering from Porn ED. So, I hate it when people say that porn is a harmless past time that doesn't hurt anyone.And, I hate it when people say that it's only women with low self-esteem who can't deal with their husbands watching porn. My husband is living proof & he will tell you himself that porn is not a harmless past time. And I never had low self-esteem; I just saw what I saw, knew what I knew, and acted on it in the appropriate way. Take the bull by the horns so to speak, and there's no pun intended here. Porn nearly completely ruined our marriage of over 25 yrs, & I cannot believe there are so many foolish people out there who call it a harmless past time. It can kill marriages & physically ruin that which makes one a man.
 
Replied By: sgoten on Dec 27, 2011, 9:41AM
What I see from reading the messages on this board is that partners who are jealous over porn have a low self-esteem and are insecure about themselves.

The one watching porn knows very well that porn isn't real, it is merely a fantasy that stimulates his or her libido. A very visually explicit fantasy, I'll admit. The visual part of it apparently seems to be more appealing to men, but there are enough women too who are also stimulated by visual fantasy. On the other hand, people who don't like visual stimulation may opt to read a steamy Harlequin novel or another Twilight book by S. Meyers and dream about the pale ivory skin of Edward Cullen or any other hunk described, but we never hear anyone complaining about THAT, now do we? So if reading Twilight is not cheating, then why is watching porn cheating? Is that not slightly hypocritical?

I get that people who are insecure about themselves would feel uncomfortable or even degraded by the idea of their partner watching porn. The partner could adapt to your insecurity then by giving up on porn, but if they choose not to, that doesn't make them a bad partner at all. The problem here, after all, does not lie with the partner but with the insecure self.
YOU are the one who is so insecure as to think that your partner would choose the bimbo in the porn over you. YOU are the one who thinks that your partner loves the bimbo over you. Clearly, you have no trust in your partner's fidelity and love for YOU.
To turn this around: Would your partner think that you would choose Twilight's Edward over him? Would your partner think that you love the dreamy hunk in the Harlequin novel more than him?

One more point I would like to adress, is the mentality of guilty until proven innocent. Some comments here say that a man who watches porn will automatically cheat later on in the relationship. What the heck? Just because a man has seen a big-breasted woman on the internet and is fantasizing about big breasts, he's going to find himself a bimbo like that? And you then? Are you going to find yourself a pale-skinned Edward Cullen or a nicely shaped Jacob Black just because you read about him and are fantasizing about him? If so, then your relationship was shallow and doomed to begin with!

Truthfully, if you really can't take the fact that your partner watches porn and said partner is unwilling to adapt to your insecurities, then that just means you're not meant for each other. We all know that relationships are founded on compromises, that they're about the give and take, so if you and your partner don't have that... stop complaining and break off the relationship!

Personally, though, my advice is for you to get a therapist to work out some self-esteem issues. From a woman to all men and women who have issues with porn-consumption.
 
Replied By: fallenangel028 on Dec 14, 2011, 10:44AM
I watch A LOT of porn. Not to the point where it consumes my life but my ex did have a big issue with it. He felt unattractive and compared himself to the guys in the porn. I didn't see things like that, infact I usually watched lesbian porn on my own. I got a "fix" from watching it but it wasn't from other men, I'm bi sexual and enjoy looking at women. He moved past it but it really upset him when we looked at couples porn, even though I wasn't interested in the men. I was just wondering if any women have a pornography problem too.
 
Replied By: stephasho on Nov 1, 2011, 1:54AM
I'd would love some feedback from other women who have sought counseling with their "porn watching" partners. To give a brief summary: I have an 11 month old and am 8 months pregnant with our second child. During my first pregnancy I found porn in the "trash" bin. I was told it came as a download from friends. I believe him. We had lengthy discussions on how much it hurt me and I felt betrayed by it. He promised me he would not look at porn during my pregnancy (I assumed this meant just looking at what his juvenile friends send him......I never thought he would actually masturbate to other women). Now, during this second pregnancy I have caught him on NUMEROUS sites that he initiated and he admits he "occasionally" masturbates to these women. I left and have been gone for a month. I feel lied to, cheated on, inadequate, and unattractive. These are my reactions to his mental infidelity. We just went to our first couples therapy and the therapist says it is healthy for him and that I am controlling.....my immediate reaction was this lady is not going to be able to help. I have explained to her my feelings and she is trying to convince me porn is healthy. Suffice to say my partner loves her and wants to continue going to her.....Has this been anyone else's experience with their counselor? This dr acted like all men do this and I need to accept it. Am I crazy for needing my partner to just be into, me, his fiancé? If I needed to seek out looking at another man while masturbating, I would be mentally moving on.....oh, one other thing, my fiancé says my using a vibrator is the same thing as his looking at porn.....i think he is 100% wrong.
 
Replied By: devillaness on Aug 16, 2011, 11:29AM - In reply to jewels3232
I don't understand why so many women who find out that their partner watches porn either refuse to compromise point blank; try to actively change their partner; or stay with him and persist in both refusal to compromise or continue laying down rules and regulations with an iron fist. I can't see how this helps. I mean, is it REALLY so stupid to encourage compromise?

Nobody should be fooled into thinking that if you tell your partner that you don't like his porn, he will immediately stop watching it. Sexual desire does not work as simply as that - hormones do not wear wedding rings. He will still fantasize. And so will you. So you may as well share them together and embrace one another. You can still have a happy marriage with porn included. It's a matter of how much you want it, and want one another for who you both are.

To me, the more aggressively you lay down your rules, without any willingness to understand one another, sit down and have a casual conversation together, the worse it will get for both of you. He may even feel more tempted by pornography because it's been made into this huge taboo. To me, the only way porn could possibly cause infidelity, is if his partner is constantly making him feel unaccepted and berated. This can hugely affect his self-esteem and potentially make him feel unloved, thus making him wish to seek that acceptance - sexual and / or emotional - elsewhere.

My best advice would be to sit down and talk to him like a human being with the same sexual desires and needs as you. Speak about the crazy sexual fantasies YOU have. You may leave the discussion both understanding one another a hell of a lot more.

- S.
 
Replied By: jewels3232 on Aug 16, 2011, 7:19AM
I thought me and my fiance had the porn addiction thing conquered, but I was wrong.  In my opinion, from all the experiences that we have been through in the past 13 years, porn is a horrible addiction and it causes cheating/infedility.  If their minds wonder, they are thinking about having sex with another female, do you honestly think that they won't venture outside of the relationship and explore their dreams?  Think again.  Just don't be stupid, wait, compromise, change yourself, watch it with them, and believe they can change because they can't.  Besides what can be a worse feeling then having sex with your partner and feeling insecure, wondering what he is thinking, what he wishes you looked like, your shape, size, weight, etc.  Then go find out the type of porn that he looks at, his main fetish - teens, skinny, big, etc.  Do you look like that?  I doubt it, but if you look like the type of porn he likes, why doesn't he want naked pictures of you?  Why don't you two video tape your sex?  Because he wants another.  And nobody can tell me that every single man is wired the exact same way and wants to hurt their partners, wants to look at other strange naked women, etc.  It leads to cheating, if they mentally think about it then ask yourself what they would do if they had the option and had someone in their face, they'd cheat!  They are selfish and move on.
 
Replied By: jewels3232 on Aug 16, 2011, 7:05AM - In reply to lilbear56
What to do is I use Mozilla Firefox, so I googled the plug in which to erase private browsing.  I know that Internet Explorer has this as well, you want to make sure that the private browsing option is taken off along with deleting the history.  https://addons.mozilla.org/en-US/firefox/addon/private-browsing/  That is the add on that I used for Mozilla FIrefox, but it will prevent that private browsing option from appearing and it will prevent them from erasing the history.  Did that yesterday because I knew my 'fiance no more' was always viewing porn every single morning before work because 20-30 minutes of the history would always be gone.  Well this morning, he admitted to me that he viewed porn this morning because, well we know why he did that (because he couldn't delete it!!).  Needless to say the lies are still going strong, we are both 30 and I"m pregnant with our 3rd child, feeling insecure and hopeless on our relationship but now I know why, because I'm not a teen with a child-like body (like he fantacizes about).  Also, I'm the wrong race.  Good luck to you :)
 
Replied By: lilbear56 on Jul 12, 2011, 3:35PM - In reply to skeetergirl
If you can delete porn in the history catagory, than how are you suppose to find out if men are viewing porn or not?
 
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