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on Aug 30, 2012, 2:38PM -
In reply to happygrammy
I must say this is the best advice I have heard yet! I bet you are very happy. God Bless you and your family. I too, am a newlywed, just 3 weeks now, and am very happy with my husband. your advice sounds so much like something my Mother-in-law would say. She is very active in her church, and although none of her children are perfect, she supports all of us and only tries to guide us. She never meddles, or talks ill of any one, she just keeps us in her prayers.I only hope i can be the same kind of mother to my children. I hope someone else gets the same message i got from you. This is my first time here, but i had to reply to your post. Again, God Bless You
Reply to "living with children"
on Aug 11, 2012, 5:54AM -
In reply to fourlilmonkeys
I'm so sorry for your pain. Try and not take it personal. Your son is starting his own family and more and more I'm seeing the women they marry not concerned for the husbands family. This is his choice, and at anytime he could put a stop to it, but he chooses not to. I know that this is not about "YOU" as one person replied. I felt that was a mean thing to say.
Try and find it within you to let go, as hard as this might be. In time he will see what a mistake he has made allowing his wife to push you out of their lives, but for now you must find something to fill the void. I believe in Karma, and this will come back to them. Grandkids need their grandparents, no matter what your son and wife think. Hopefully your grandson will see this in his adulthood. Nice, respectful DIL's are hard to come by anymore. What a tragedy for the family.
In reply to "Living Near Children"
on Aug 8, 2012, 11:49AM -
In reply to shadowbutts07
The birth of this baby needs to be about him & his wife having their first child. Please do not make it all about you, even though you are excited to have your first grandchild. What is so terrible that they don't want you to move into their neighborhood? Why is that such a severe personal rejection?? You and your wife both seem to have such a dramatic reaction to that, that I can see why your son might assume that if you did live that close, you might overwhelm their new family. Your son grew up and moved far away. You then decided to follow him??? I realize you feel you got mixed messages, and maybe you did. They may have felt a little more differently after the birth of their child when you started talking about moving by them to make your family "full". It is OKAY if your son wants a little more space for starting his family. Instead of looking at this as a dagger in your heart, how about you be PROUD that you raised such an independent man that can speak up for himself and is willing to be honest with you???? And, he does not owe living by you for the rest of his adult life as re-payment for raising him! Please!
Maybe right now you could give your son and his family a gift by giving them a little time / space to adjust to parenthood and their first child, instead of trying to put the focus on what YOU want.
Edited to add: And PLEASE do NOT move there anyways!!!!!! Do you think that would situation at all? It might make you feel better to prove they can't stop you, right? Do you see how they might see you guys as a little overbearing?
There are GOOD In Laws too!
on Jul 27, 2012, 9:42AM
I truly feel for people who have nightmare in law situations, it must be very stressful in general but especially on the marriage relationship. I just want to say I was blessed to have great in laws and so was was my ex husband. My mother in law and I were always very close and could talk easily about everything. We have shared many heart to heart conversations over the years. Even though I am divorced from her son she still tells me she considers me her daughter and I feel the same way about her. That being said there was a time during our divorce that we didnt speak for years and I was the one who set those boundaries. I had my reasons at the time but we have since repaired our relationship and looking back in hindsight I understand that her child was going through a hard time and as a mother your heart is ALWAYS with your child. I get that , and can not, and have no desire to hold that against her. We have exchanged phone calls and letters with one another. We have not had a face to face, go have lunch together meeting but I believe that it will come one day when the time is right. In deciding that it was time to reconcile this relatinship with her I was thinking that it was important to me to model for my children how to repair broken relatioships as I am sure they will also have to do it in their lives at some time. We may never have what we once had but I look forward to us gradually coming more together as time goes by.
My ex on the other hand was not as fortunate as he did not take the steps to repair his relationship with my mother and she passed away with that between them. That is what I never want to happen to my children in their lives and relationships with people.
Suffering from In-Law Syndrome
on Jul 26, 2012, 11:02AM
I have been with my 'beau' for 8yrs. We have 3 children. He has a son, age 13, from a previous relationship, who also has chosen to live with his grandparents(paternal). I have a son, age 11, from a previous relationship and we share a daughter, age 5. Both my son and daughter, live with us.
Over the course of 8 years, I feel I've always gotten along with my beau's family but then I just got to a point where I couldn't sit at their table while they bashed and judged other family members behind their backs. What really drew the line for me that as of the last 6 or more months..... my 11 year old son is the center of their hateful attention.
A small flashlight that belongs to my step-son. A replica of a 9 volt battery made into a flashlight is what started it. My son was accused of stealing it back in Feb. of this year and is still being accused. But yet, he never had it on him.... my son willingly showed that he didn't have it in his pockets or in his coat. He was banned from EVER going to their house again unless he apologizes for stealing the flashlight. A flashlight that no one can prove that he didn't take or even if he really did take it.
It's now July and this has gone beyond a flashlight gone missing. My son is now thought of being a sociopath and child molester.
My daughter spent the night at her grandparents a couple months ago and because she had an accident in her pants she was questioned. My daughter said '(name of my son here) kicked me there' and proceded to indicate her private area. As I was not present nor informed immediately of this statement from daughter, my mother in law questioned her further and had my daughter speak to her uncle. It somehow went from being kicked there to being touched and/or kissed.
When I was finally informed of this conversation/questioning, it wasn't until the next day..... after supper. So of course, I question my children seperately and I'm trying very hard to not lead my daughter in my questioning nor my son. While I'm questioning, my daughter is constantly correcting me about the story I was told. My daughter is very adament that her brother never touched her, that he only kicked her there and that it was accident. They were play fighting.
I accept this. My children do play fight but I'm weary. I'm still weary. I watch them more closely now. No mother wants to believe this of her children but a mother also can't turn a blind eye to it either. I'm not an expert by any means but if what my mother in law claims what my daughter is true, I see nothing in the way my children interact with each other to indicate there is an ongoing issue.
I'm so conflicted about these ongoing issues. I've remained quiet but the other family members have not. I'm constantly filled in on what's being said in their home by 2 of 3 sister in laws. It's a constant topic amoung them. My son is being dragged through the dirt. My mother in law is not keeping any of this within the family. She's on the phone talking about it. She's been in contact with a public nurse and said nurse filled her head full crap, in my opinion. The nurse supposedly said my son may be showing signs of being a sociopath and him starting to hurt/kill animals is your first sign. Which I would like to add, my son is a HUGE animal lover. He's come across stray cats that he's cried over because he felt bad about them being out in the cold. She also stated to my mother in law, that my son 'putting' his knee there is an indication that what he really wants to do is put his private parts there.
I'm sick of this. I'm emotionally exhausted from hearing this about my son. I'm also emotionally exhausted from having to shield him from their hurtful words. My beau telling his mother to mind her business hasn't worked to get her to back off. It's gotten to the point that I'm limiting my daughters interactions with them. She came home one day and said very clearly to me 'I have to go to Nana's every day.' I asked her why. She states to me 'Nana said I had to because of (my son's name here)'
This is affecting me in so many ways. It hurts so much to have people think so hatefully about my son. People who have been in my son's life since he was 2. These are the people I've told my son that were his family too because I had chosen to make a life with my beau. 'Family' doesn't do this. Families are suppose to love unconditionally
I need outside opinions/advice. Something that is not biased.
on Jul 24, 2012, 11:27PM
My husband and I have been married for three years andtogether for eight. We live on the family farm a mile way from my in laws. We met in college in my hometown which is an hour and a half away from where we live now. Every weekend while we were dating, I would come home with him. He had to help on the farm. He was hardly ever allowed to stay at college. Anyway, I thougt him being bossed around would change after we got married and started our owliving together. Boy was I wrong!! His dad calls himfather time he gets home from work to helo himfaith farm work. He sometimes sneaks home and hides his truck do his dad won't know he's home!! He does not get paid for this work. His dad does do things for him occasionally but not near to make up for all the work he does. My brother in law still lives at home and does not have to work. He goe and parties and does whatever he wants to when he wants to. This weekend I am going it of town and my fil told my husband he could go with me atfirst. Now he is saying he needs to stay home and work. How sad is it to have to get permission to go tint of town from your parents when you are 27 years old?!
That is not the only way they aRe controlling. If my car isn't home and they ride by and see that, they call to see where we are. We have to go to the same church they go to or it woUld be WW3. I am not happy with their family church because it is so small. I would love to go to a different one but, I don't want to cause a ruckus. They always want us to eat with them. I'm very grateful don't get me wrong but, some times I feel like my husband and I are still teenagers and are dating. We have to tell them wware we are going, what we are doing and when we will be back. I'm not 16 anymore!! I've tried to talk to my husband but, he doesn'treally see anything wrong with it. I could deal with the needing to know where we are at all times, if I could just get my husband back and off the farm! We are trying to have a baby. I don't want to raise it Becky own because my husband is working for free for his dad. I need somehelp please!! This is the only thing we ever get into fights about. I would hate to see our marriage end bc of my inlaws!!
Living Near children
on Jul 2, 2012, 2:03PM
My wife and I need advice.
Our son relocated to NC after college. Since that time they have had the fortune to buy their own home. We live in NJ. We are in our 60's. Our son is our only child.
Upon our first visit there we saw the possibility of relocating there as well. Our son and daughter-in-law even introduced us to the on-line realtor. The possibility of our moving there was exhilarating. Our son and his wife didn't express any opposition to our desire to move there, at that time. This is significant. We have been to there house at least three times since their moving.
Last August they were blessed with the birth of their first child. In September we visited with them. It was pure heaven. This being our first grandchild. During that visit, we toured the community, and became rather enthusiastic with the strong possibility of relocating there. We when spoke to them about the possibility of this coming through, we were devastated by their reaction. Our son expressed the view that he didn't want us to move into there community because it would be "invading their world." You can't imagine how we felt. We were hurt. I expressed my hurt feelings, very calmly, I have to admit. I said, "Okay, I get the point." The next day we left as we had planned to. That was in Sept.
It was not until Oct. 28 That was only due to the fact that they was my wife's birthday, and that our son didn't even call his mother to wish her a Happy Birthday, until I had posted on FB that "My wife is hurting." An hour later we got the call, asking what was wrong. Mind you, this was at 5:00pm an hour before we had to go to our community theater for a production we were involved with. Well, that phone call resulted in all hell breaking loose. We expressed our feelings that our son and his wife don't seem to have any feelings for us, and that their not wanting us to live in their community was tantamount to rejection of us both. They, obviously, said we were wrong. However, they gave us no rationale reason why our living in their community was so detrimental.
I even tried to explain in a practical way. It would give us the opportunity to be near our grandson. It would give us the opportunity to be a "full family." When we asked them what is the real reason why they object to us living there, we got no real reason. However, at one point, something was said by my daughter-in-law that they want their own values. We couldn't understand that. Then she said something about our smoking, That she doesn't want our grandson exposed to that. Yes, we smoke. But we don't around them. We would never do anything to expose our grandson to that.
At what point in the conversation, our daughter-in-law said, "I don't care if you two never see your son and grandson ever again. That was too much for my wife to handle, and my wife began to cry hysterically and said she couldn't talk anymore and had to hang up. I immediately tried to call back but they refused to answer.
Needless to say we didn't speak to them for several months. I tried in the meantime to send my son emails trying to resolve this situation, but they went unanswered. After a few more emails in which I said that we are begging and pleading to resolve this situation, I received an email from him with just the words, "What do you suggest?" I responded we need to talk.
Since that time we have only seen our grandson three times via Skype, and each time his wife was not around. There have been two phone calls from our son, again, when his wife was not around.
We don't know why they are so opposed to us living in their community. I tried to explain, from a practical point, that by us relocating there it would save us money. We are both retired living on a pension. We would save at least $10,000 a year in taxes. Should anything happen to us, our son would have it easier to handle our estate, rather than if we remained in NJ and something happen.
We have given so much to our son. We paid his college tuition for four year, we paid for his trip to Europe while in HS, we gave him $5k for a new car when he graduated college, we gave him money for furniture in his apartment, and we gave them $20k for a wedding gift, We have given them $1k for our grandson's furniture. We are not looking for repayment, but it seems there doesn't seemed to be any expression of appreciation for what we have done.
All we wanted was to have our wishes accepted. We have always accepted what he wanted to do, even though we might not have liked it. That's our philosophy of what love is...to be willing to accept others wants and wishes even though it might not be want we want or desire.
All we wanted was to be near our son and grandson. We are not the type of parent who would be over their house everyday. We would not and have not told them how to live or how to raise our grandson.
Our son also seems to forget that while he was a baby, it was his grandfather who had him while we both worked. This remained until he began school. Being with his grandfather, seemed to have a tremendous supportive affect on him. But that seems now to be a distant memory to him.
We don't know what to do next. There is going to come a time when we will no longer be able to drive nine hours to visit them. We can't understand why our being in their community is so terrible. There is an underlying cause to this, but we can't seem to determine what it is.
Family is and should be so important, especially in today's times. Our son's wife remarked one time, before the birth of their son, "He is so into family." Such strange words considering the situation. Aside from that, which I find very revealing is that our daughter-in-law had even told her mother that if she wanted to move down there, she didn't want her living in that community.
At one point in that phone conversation, it was suggested by them that we could move into one of the "Senior citizen" communities.
Part of this situation is our son and daughter-in-law telling us how we can spend our money, and where we chose to live. I can't understand why our presence in their community is so dismissed by them. I even asked them if they are embarrassed by us.
We are at the point of moving their anyway. But not sure that might be a good idea. We are at wits end as to what to do!!!
Monster in-law = death of me!
on Jun 26, 2012, 5:07PM
I am a newly wed of 3 months and I never ever thought that married life would have so many challenges that were outside of the home.
My husbands mother has not liked me from the word go and I knew that, and felt it since I left the city (Dallas) to live in a podunk town of less than 500 people to be with him. She painted on a nice face in the begining and that is what really motivated me to move up there because I was sure that the transition would be so much easier being that I had a new family to come into. MAN WAS I WRONG!!!! I have never met a more manipulative, fake, angry, unhappy, oblivious person in my life!
The problems didnt really begin until I literally got out of the lease to my apt in the city and My daughter and I loaded up left our friends and family and moved out there. once we were there she would undermind my parenting right in front of me. make snide comments to others that I heard about through the town. I let these things go and but my tounge which is not in my nature at all. I am very blunt and honest and usually dont worry about the feelings of others when given my opinion if asked. But seeing how this woman could twist the very words out of my mouth into something so far from the truth, i became very careful about saying anything around her or even going around her at all. I kept my distance to hopefully make the drama go away only to find out that that it was worse.
Planning for the wedding came and I did my best including others in my wedding including asking his sisters to be maids and to ask his mother to help plan. SUCH A BAD IDEA! His mother threw dresses down in the middle of the store when I didnt choose one she picked out. I tried it on but didnt pick it out to buy. then there were the fights about my choice for reception and DJ and anything and everything would result in threats about not coming to the wedding.
Now she and his sisters are constantly trying to convince my husband that he is in-love with the idea of being married instead of actually being linlove with me! I could go on and on for days! lol
I have emailed the show and I have asked for help from Dr. Phil. I honestly dont know how much more I can handle or my husband for that matter. But I know that I can never please people who enjoy fighting or drama and I know that I am not going to bend over backwards to please someone who would rather be miserable!
Could be worse
on May 1, 2012, 4:57PM -
In reply to princess1983
It could be much worse, if they don't want to talk to you leave them alone. it's simple they don't like you for some reason, you must have some clue as to what it is. I would not push to hard.
I mean no disrespect
on May 1, 2012, 4:50PM
Khalood, when I was 18 I got pregnent. My parents were not happy about it, but I was living at home, in my 4th month I lost the baby, when I got home from the hospital my Mom looked at me and said "you got lucky this time". Khalood she was right, she was telling it like it was, I am now 53 years old, and if I think back to that day I cry, why because the person I needed the most to be there for me was more worried about being right. I know I hurt them by becoming pregnent, but jeez I was not feeling very lucky that day. Sometimes you have to just be there, and that was one of those times, she needed her Mommy, not a teaching moment. I just thought I would share how it made me feel, maybe you can mend that hurt, because that one I know runs deep.
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