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on Aug 31, 2012, 4:34PM
I have been writing for many years about getting off oxyicontin. I actually feel like I am loosing my mind. I don/t remember anything. My husband wants a divorce, I think he is keeping me around until my disability money runs out. I have 5 more years of that coming in. then what do I do. I try to get off. pain comes back. he constantly calls me a doper. tells me he told me something when I know he did'nt. He doesn't help the situation. I have been on the medication for 12? years and I also take norco. I get depressed and cry on days ,and pretty much have allienated everyone around me. i really need help. my authurization ran out and so now i have to wait for 4 days without oxycontin until i get the ok from the insurance company. it will be a fun weekend. i dont know what to expect
Abusive or Toxic?
on Aug 28, 2012, 9:11AM
How can one tell the difference between an abusive and a toxic relationship? Especially when they can share so many similar qualities. If someone is in a relationship that is emotionally detrimental, is this toxic or abusive? If a person is getting physically handled, is this abusive or toxic?
My parents/my fiance's grandma
on Apr 28, 2012, 8:20PM
Hey my fiance's grandma and my parents have been on our case about getting married and moving in together. we are 20 years old and they don't understand that we don't need their consent and that they should just let us make our own decisions. My fiance's mother on the other hand approves of me very very loving and caring. Her mother wants us to get married and we don't want anyone stepping in the way and my fiance's grandma keeps adding more and more fuel to the fire to the point where i blocked my fiance's grandma from calling my cellphone. Really need someone's advice please. thanks a bunch any kind,caring advice will be taken into consideration
on Apr 2, 2012, 5:41PM
There aren't many people that I know that have dealt with the turmoil in their family that I have seemed to have had to deal with and sometimes it seems that there isn't anyone to talk to about it. I moved away from my mother and my brother almost 8 years ago because we just couldn't get along. More than not being able to get along, we just got to the point that being around each other was miserable. I'll start with my mother, she favored my brother for as long as I can remember and my brother took advantage of it. She abused my brother when he was just a baby and thought that by giving him everything he wanted and treating him like a king she could make up for the abuse she inflicted as a child. My entire life I fought to get some type of attention from my mother to no avail. I got good grades, worked hard in all my activites and was a pretty decent child. I didn't cause problems and stayed out of trouble for the majority of my childhood. I moved out of my moms house when I was 15 and moved in with my grandparents because I just couldn't handle being around my mother and my brother. We fought all the time and at one point I thought about committing suicide, it was time for me to go. I remember my grandmother buying me a brand new pair of shoes for school right before my sophmore year because I really needed them and my mother pitching a huge fit because my brother needed new shoes and she needed some clothes, please keep in mind that I was on the track team and playing softball and hadn't had new tennis shoes in 2 years at this point. This is the stuff I was faced with on a daily basis because my mother favored my brother. I had to move back in with my mother when I was 17 because my grandparents moved and life became hell after that. She had married some useless guy and was raising his kids and giving them everything that they wanted and needed and was still overlooking me. I moved when I was in college and never looked back. Sadly they followed me and I felt obligated to take them in. My brother couldn't hold down a job to save his life and bounced around from house to house all the time. He lived with me for a bit and very rarely gave me any money for him living with me. I paid all the bills, provided all the food and received very little finanical help from him. At one point I offered to help him go to culinary school so that he would actually have some skill to fall on, he was a decent cook, however, my brother had other thoughts in mind. He would rather sit at home making meth and shooting it up his arm then actually get a real job. This went on for abour 2 years without me knowing, yes I was naive when it came to people with drug habits, I never saw the signs, or if I did, I just didn't want to see them. Finally I kicked him out and he ended up going to prison for 4 years for making meth. My mother blames me for him going to prison and when I kicked him out of my house I became satan to her. She called me every name under the sun and told me that she wished she never would have had me, she wished she had an abortion or had giving me up for adoption like she did my sister. She threatened me, said she would make my life a living hell, said she would get me fired from my job, destroy my house and any other thing she could think of that would ruin my life. The day that I kicked my brother out of the house he threatenedd to kill me. He chased me through my house with me on the phone with the 911 operator screaming that he was going to kill me. Needless to say, I left my house that day, had the locks changed within 24 hours and moved within the month. I had to leave everything I had ever known and everyone that I had in my life so that I could feel safe. The only good thing to come out of me leaving my family behind, I have a wonderful life right now. I was able to buy my first house, buy a new car and I have a great job. I have forgiven my mother and my brother for what they put me through but sometimes I would like to hear that they are sorry for what they did to me.
PROBLEM WITH IN LAW
on Mar 13, 2012, 5:56PM
I have been with my partner 8 years, engaged 6 years. HIs parents particularly his mum keeps on at me to move in with my partner, I live 95 miles away, we go backwards and forwards and have been quite happy. I have a flat which I would need to rent out or sell to pay my partners rent. His mum only lives round the corner from. She broke her arm before christmas and made my partner take her to hospital on Boxing Day although she has a husband. She didn't want me to go with them, I did for support, she moaned about me after saying I shouldn't go to the toilet when I got there. I have been on oxygen since October. My partner and I both have curviture of the spine. She didn't speak to me in the car after going to A&E. She also asked my partner to take her to visit her mum of 91 who was ill, I wasn't going to be allowed in the car, although if they had gone it would have had to be my car as my partner's car was in the garage! Last week she watched over my partner to make sure he sorted out his tablets, she then said I shouldn't keep some of my clothes at his place, he does at mine too to save carrying! I am getting really upset, I've lost both my parents, she has been at me to move before my parents died, my mum died 5 years ago. I have family and friends near me, this has gone on so long now it is stressing me out, she wont' leave us alone, my partners dad has been at me a bit about moving too! I don't think I could live with my partner with his mum so close and not sure how I will be treated if I lived there, I suggested buying a place near my partner some time ago, his mum said my partner can't leave his flat as he would lose his placce on the council list, I was suggesting this to save the travelling! I do a lot of the backwards and forawrds anyway, my partner has often been stopped coming to see me by his parents wanting hiim. What have I done to deserve this? Why can't his mum leave us alone, my partner feels its his place to help them, he has often been shouting at me after seeing them, I wouldn't expect him to move with me and leave all his friends etc, his parents would be sure to stop him before he came to live near me anyway. I don't think his mum thinks I'm making enough effort in the relationship to move in with her son!
Well that is a fine how do ya do!?!?!
on Mar 10, 2012, 9:19PM
We are newly unexpected grandparents. My husband's son from a first marriage (who is 19) and his on-again, off-again girlfriend (who is 20) just had a beautiful baby boy in February.
The relationship between my husband and my stepson has been an odd one. Hubby and 1st wife divorced when stepson was 3. Hubby's ex-wife is not an easy person to get along with and unfortunately for the children she used them frequently as pawns to manipulate my husband. He paid his child support, saved for college educations, tried to be a good father - but she truly made it nearly impossible - withholding visits, encouraging them to call other men 'daddy' (yes, there were several live-ins and 3 more husbands), and the boys grew up essentially alienated from their dad. She took away birthday gifts, Christmas presents, new school clothes after they were given to the boys. Needless to say - she was and IS a real pill - talk about a toxic person, she is the posterchild for it.
Once they reached about 16-17 years, they realized that dad was actually not so bad and that a lot of the misgivings they had about him growing up were a direct result of her manipulation. Now, with that being said. The youngest (who is the new daddy) is still a little bitter about dad not being there 'full-time.' For several years, the only time he wanted anything to do with my husband was when he needed something - clothes, shoes, money. After what he needed was given - he would be gone and would have no contact for months and months.
Well now he is a father. He refused to go to work while his girlfriend was pregnant (she worked up until a week before she delivered). He sat at his mothers playing video games, hanging out with his friends, partying, etc. My husband encouraged him over and over again to find a job, get his life in order, and start making preparations for the baby to come. He refused. His mother did not seem to care. He finally applied for a job the week prior to the baby being born. He got the job and was scheduled to start work the day after the child was actually born. Better late than never - right?!?
She has decided to stay on at her parents house, take 6 weeks maternity leave, and then return to work. Her parents agree with this. He approaches me and my husband asking if he can move in with us for a while to be closer to the baby (we live within 5 mins of her parents' house) and closer to work. He also doesn't have a vehicle - so we would be providing transport to and from work until he can get a vehicle worked out.
We agree - but with boundaries and rules. Our house - our rules - right?!? He can go and visit with his mother whenever he likes, but he needs to arrange transportation - she is not welcome at our house (nor are we at hers). He is to be in at a decent hour (not a strict curfew, but not 3 a.m. either). If he is going to be away for the night, we need a phone call communicating that. We would not charge him anything to live with us (we just can't do that) but he is to save his money and put it on baby needs, a place to live and a car. He agrees. We purchased clothing for him to go to work, new work shoes, essentials, etc., and things seem to be going along smoothly. Well - a week and $500 later - he does not come home. Seems her parents were gone and he stayed overnight to help with the baby - but did not bother to call and let us know where he was or when he would be returning. We let it slide and did not say anything. Then he calls wanting a "ride to moms". He wanted to go and spend a few days (break in his work schedule) with her. Husband told him he was not available to take him to her house and that he would need to contact her for transportation. Two hours later - he shows up with his brother, collects all of his belongings, says he is going to visit her for a few days, and leaves. He has not been back. Again, just like many times before, he was here long enough to get what he needed - cash and clothes - and was gone again.
But now - he has told the girlfriend we are not to see the baby and if we call to arrange a visit - not to respond or say they are busy and a visit is not a good idea right now. Husband is really upset that he is not able to see his grandson and we are both unsure if we should clue the girlfriends parents in on the situation. They extended an open invitation to us the day the baby came home and we were at their house for a visit. They indicated that anytime we wanted to see the baby, to just stop by for a visit. And up until now - we have done just that. But now, we call, we text, we leave voice messages for the girlfriend about arranging a visit and we are met with either no response or a "sorry, we are busy and can't visit" reply.
Suggestions? Should we sidestep the kids and deal with her parents on the matter?
on Jan 8, 2012, 8:05PM -
In reply to pennyannd
I agree with the previous poster regarding the book, "Toxic Parents" by susan forward. Its an excellent book! Without placing blame, without pointing fingers, etc, this book can help you take the steps that you need to take in order to untangle yourself from your toxic family.
Of course youlove your family. But they are toxic, and you can not do anything to change them. You can try- you can even drive yourself nuts trying and trying to make everyone happy- but it will never happen. Its a futile effort. I urge you to read the book and you can begin TODAY making your life less stressful- I promise!!
on Dec 29, 2011, 7:08PM -
In reply to pennyannd
My suggestion is to read, "Toxic Parents," by Susan Forward.
I read this book several years ago and it gave me the courage to have less interaction with toxic people, without having guilt, including a parent. In some cases I've totally cut off relationships and others it is limited....by my choice.
Please give yourself the gift of peace in the New Year and read and study this amazing book.
Best wishes to you!
on Dec 26, 2011, 9:16PM
Toxic family relationships caught my eye. I've been saying to myself over and over again that my family is toxic and I need to write them off. It's so hard to let go of family. Even when it is toxic. I know they are killing me, but I love them. I grew up thinking our family was so normal. Up until 8 years ago I still thought the same thing. Now I know that they are not normal. I know now that my father was/is an abusive alcoholic. I know now that my mom is an inabilitor and as long as everyone looks ok shes ok. Just 2 months ago my brother was in the hospital due to his drinking, and all my mom was concerned about was his hair. I even told her not to say anything about his appearance, yet that was the first thing to come out of her mouth! Im at the point that I'm becoming numb about this. My Aunt is dieing of cancer, she came to visit last month from Canada. We wanted this vacation to be about her, about her having a good time. The whole vacation was about my mom and her problems with my brother and myself. I couldnt forgive her for this. We ended up spending Christmas without them. This kills me, because I really do love my parents! I've never spent X-mas without them, except when they lived overseas. Bottom line - my folks are toxic, I need to let them go, but it's killing me!
Learning How to Let Go
on Dec 26, 2011, 1:18PM
My mother and I have had a very tumultuous relationship since I was about eight. She grew up in a dysfunctional home and the pattern of abuse has continued through her. She has ruled not only her children but her second husband (he has nearly no MAN left in him and that is very apparent) with fear and intimidation. I take pride in bettering myself by getting help and graduating college which has only seem to make my relationship with my mother even worse. How do I let go and get through the hurt? Those are the questions I sent in to the Ask Dr.Phil part of the website. I am learning to let go...but it is still very hard, but thankfully my husband has been very patient and supportive throughout it all. There are other factors involved but that would make a book so I will stop here.
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