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Even though I'm 19 ..
on Jan 30, 2011, 12:48PM
I want others opinions on my situation. Im 19 years old, still living at home with my ma (grandmother) and some of my relatives say that my mom is babying me. I would have been moved out if it weren't for my social anxiety making it difficult for me to get a job and provide for myself. (can't be around too many people) It's not that im angry with her or anything, but I think it's time for me to by on my own. BUT that's background, what I need an opinion on is this:
When I mention dating, my mother wants the guy to come over and have our "date" at home instead of the traditional thing like the guy actually taking me out in the beginning. Of course the thing to do would be for him to come and meet her, and then we go out. She doesn't want to have it this way. He has to "visit" me until she trusts him enough to take me out. I mean I am 19 ... is she being too protective?
on Nov 14, 2010, 5:52PM -
In reply to ashmar
I loved this show. It gave me a great idea for my kids - I use the "Stranger, stranger 911" with my kids. I can't remember the name of the lady who demonstrated this activity, but I thought it was brilliant, and now both of my kids, aged 5 & 2, know to squirm, kick, bite and whatever it takes to get free if someone grabs them, and when they land on the floor, they kick their legs towards the person trying to grab them, and yell at the top of their voices "Stranger, stranger triple 0" over and over. (Triple 0 cause we live in Australia and that's our emergency number). We role play this and practice it on a regular basis, and I'm reasonably confident that my girls would use it if necessary.
This doesn't mean that my kids wander around unsupervised. They are, in my opinion, too little to walk to the shops etc. by themselves. When we go for a walk, we walk together, but they can walk a little way ahead, so they can have a bit of independence and learn to walk on the footpath near streets of varying 'busy-ness', watching for driveways etc., with the security of having their parents near them to make sure they are as safe as possible.
Help for Nephew and Niece
on Sep 10, 2010, 8:41AM
Be prepared to read for a bit, it's going to be a long one. :)
I need opinions!!! I do not have children of my own, so I'm asking from an aunt's point of view. My sister-in-law has two children, a boy and girl. My nephew is 8 and has Down Syndrome and is autistic and my niece is one month shy from her sixth birthday. Neither child is in school, she "home schools" them, which if she really did, woudl be fine. However, her idea of home schooling is having them color and such, which my nephew does not participate in. They are kept in the house most of the day, only allowed to go outside for short periods of time and not every day. They have no bed time, they have no discipline, they have no rules. My nephew was in therapy for the first four years of his life, but she stopped going because she refused to allow the therapist one on one time with him, which is how it should be. She said she wouldn't actually do her job so she didn't trust to leave them alone together.
My nephew is 8 years old, does not speak, does not feed himself, wears diapers still and pretty much doesn't do anything for himself. My niece is very smart and of course like most young children she is a sponge and forgets nothing. This is the prime time to teach her things in my opinion. The children have no friends and even if they did know other kids, they wouldn't be allowed to play with them.
My husband and I have never been allowed to take them anywhere or have them spend the night. The only time we spend time with them just us four is when we babysit, of course in their home. We even watched them for five days straight about three years ago and were not allowed to take them anywhere. I asked for the car seats simply for an emergency and she said to "call an ambulence if something happens." Every time I ask to take one of the kids somewhere she comes up with an exuse. She even said once that she's afraid of an accident happening. Now I'm in my 30s and I've never been in an accident so I could see why she would be afraid of that. When she drives her kids around she admitted to screaming at them the whole time and turning around to hit them. That's safe.
I don't know what to do. I'm not the parent, and I don't have children of my own so anytime I say anything, she will tell me I don't know what I'm talking about and stop talking to us for about six months. We've even had to have seperate birthday get togethers for my in-laws because they won't speak to us because something was said. Once her son broke a lamp at my in-laws house and she blamed my mother-in-law because she wasn't watching him. Oh, forgot to mention.. when others are around, their parenting responsibilieis end. It's up to others to fed him, change him and watch both of them. My husband told her it was not their mother's fault because they are her kids so she didn't talk to us for about five months. The In-laws would call us when they were babysitting so we could sneak over and see the kids. Because of this, I have to watch my tongue a lot.
Finally, my question. What do I do? My nephew is special needs but gets no therapy and they are not working with him. I realize that he is going to take longer to learn but he is capable of learning! She seems to think he isn't so why try? She's never tried to potty train him, won't let him eat on his own or anything. She's setting him up for failure in my opinion. I have a good friend who has a daughter and invites my niece to everything, but is always turned down. I just called her last night because she invited my niece to come to her skating birthday party next weekend and she came up with an exuse why she can't go.
What do I do? Every time I'm around them it makes me sad. My husband was over there the other night and my niece asked for him to come in and put her to sleep. He did and my niece was in there crying to him about how sad she is because she never gets to do anything and even says she hates her mom. Needless to say, it broke his heart. We would love to have the kids live with us, but I don't think that's an option. We can't even take them to the park.
What to do? Has anyone been in this situation before and what did you do?
THANK YOU for any advice/opinions you share!
on Sep 23, 2009, 12:17PM
This is lengthey, so grab a cup of coffee. My brother went to prison for abusing several children in every way imaginable 7 years ago. One of the families has my 2 neice's and nephew, my family moved them close by so I could assist them where ever I could. I need to help them on their journey through life. Best way to do that is offer love and support to their mother. Well, the mother is still despratelyin love with my brother and it has caused anger and resentment from her oldest daughter toward her. That child is now living with me and I am doing my best, but she is Bi Polar, depressed, has anxiety and a stack of emotional problems that I am not equipt nor educated enough to deal with. She is in counceling now and for the first time in her life, can take life at her pace. The boy (my nephew) is physically and verbally abusive toward his mother and little sister so I am having him study abusive behavior. The little one wants to be a stripper when she grows up... Im an old fashioned southern girl, that is not even ok with me. All of these children were hurt by my brother and I am trying to minimize the time of impact from this abuse. I am not even close to having the resources or emotional tools I need to really help here. My son is autistic and I am unemployed. Bottom line is I have 4 childrens lives at stake, its ALL a delicate situation and I need help. I just started my journey on getting "healthy", just started to understand what it means to "love yourself" and "be your own best friend". My brother did not end up like that for no reason. We come from an extremely violent and emotionally shut down home. I just know enough to know these kids need help and I have not learned enough to really help them.
I used to have a quiet family of 3, mom dad and only child (asbergers autistic). I divorced 3 years ago, remarried and have become a step mom of 3 and the neighborhood mom of several (at any given time there are upwards to 12 kids here, all escaping from their homes). I have the compassion to want to help where I can, I am so overwhelmed, but I cannot turn kids away. I have kids I don't even know giving me hugs before I go to bed.... HELP!!!! I feel like my home has been turned into a shelter for lost or abandoned children, I am feeding them all even though I am unemployed. My house (single wide moble) is so small, kids sleep where ever they can grab a patch of carpet. May not have enough space, or enough food, but we make do and there is always enough love and acceptance, just not enough of me.
Giving of Oneself
on May 14, 2009, 10:52PM -
In reply to yellowhawk
I have often wondered why a mother or farther would be so needy,when there is so many things they could be doing with their time,like helping with the eldery,visiting with,and being a mentor,or a support person to a child,or a church helper,numerous other avenues of service.It speaks volumes doesnt it,that the children of this type,has many social problems later on in life and sometimes resentful on some level.Its sad that the trust in onesself,could be so alltured,that otherwise they all would be much happier and healthier,dont you think?I cant even begin to know how smothering that would be for a childs creative abilities,much less the long term affects.I agree with you totally on your viewpoint.
REAP and REAP
on May 14, 2009, 10:16PM -
In reply to littleman123
Who do you think made the choice to GIVE these girls the right to first of all disrespect their mother in any sistuation?No,leaving your children is not,or should not be an option,but in saying that,the real problem is the parents allowing children to rule them and then getting upset with the results.Come on folks its not rocket science,even Dr.Phill has said,use your brain,and look at what your creating!Kids know when they can pull out the ,if I whine enough they will give in tool,that means faces,eye rolling,pouting,and dont forget the guilt card.If parentsw ill allow these actions to work as kids,what do you think a grown-up version will be like?Could it be the Im never happy person,because of you syndrom,or the if you BUY me this I will be happy person.Look,Forest Gump said it best Stupid is,as Stupid does!!!!!Go figure...........Smart Up,Stand Up,and raise the next generation different,using good ol fashion parenting SKILLS!!!! Your children will not go without,in fact they will learn how to make a life,instead of being dependant on everybody else.Its called pride,and self worth folks. You dont have to be June Clever,but a trustworthy parent teaches by example.So what EXAMPLE did this mom display? Mommy Dearest perhaps?
on May 14, 2009, 9:00PM -
In reply to jenluv
One time coming back from shopping,my three was loud,getting louder,then one started yelling at the youngest,then the other one was yelling at the one who started yelling first,then the youngest started crying,then the pushing elbows started,right then and ,and I do mean right then,I pulled over and parked,turned off the car,and said nothing.I reached over took out a sucker from my console,and enjoyed the private time with my treat.It didnt take long until all three stopped whatever they were doing and just looked at me,now these kids was 4,9,10.From that time on whenever my children was even sorta loud and getting pushy,the car stopped.It took three times of doing this,and to this day they still remember it,and laugh togather about it.They now are on their own,but isnt it amazing what a sucker will do,so I guess you could say Im a SUCKER mom,but silence was golden.Lesson Learned.
HOW About This!
on May 14, 2009, 8:19PM -
In reply to marlu98
I agree that sometimes children can be alot to deal with,and also agree that parents do not get the skills that they need,so what to do?Instead of acting out on impulse,plan ahead and set yourself up for the BEST experiance.Does planning and being consistant always work,NOPE,but doing some simple things while your babys are really babys seems to help,and as they get older it gets easier.Instead of driving off,why not stop the car,step away from the car,and regroup.Usally young children pick up on the fact that Mom or Dad arent facing them in a travel situation,so to counter that,bring out the Just for You Items,that are kept in seperate book bags,with easy open tops,and make a game out of the items,meaning use the time to travel to name colors,shapes,sizes,etc. and have reward tickets that can be redemed later.For babys,hand held items,or clean snacks and baby music is great.Habits can,and do make a great big differance,between being out of control yourself,or your children being out of control.By the way,children learn very quickly how to push your buttons,dont fall for it,be in control with alot of WOW moments! Think about it,wouldnt it be nice not to be a wreck when driving,not to mention,being in a accident?
The Lady who dropped her daughters in a corner
on May 13, 2009, 4:05PM
She is my ultimate hero. She is Lois from Malcom in The Middle. We are creating a huge amount of monsters by spoiling and our children 24 hrs a day, and by giving into their outrageous demands. These kids have no lifeskills, no incentive, no leadership qualities. I am not speaking for everyone. I know there are outstading kids and parents out there. She did wrong by just driving away. She should had stayed closer, but hell, kids nowaday have everything and more. We either act similarly or we are going to be governed by these bratty kids who think they're entitled to anyone or anything in a few years.
Shame on mother leaving fighting daughter!
on May 12, 2009, 2:20AM
I am a mother of three, 10, 13 and 5. I think it is HORRIBLE how a mother can kick these girls out of the car for fighting. I can't imagine the terror this little girl felt being left alone, and not knowing where she is or how to get home. SHE IS 10! We are in the military and in another country at the moment, I will NOT let my girls walk to the bus stop. I DRIVE THEM! I would rather be safe then sorry. I do not want to be on the Dr. Phil show saying my child was kidnapped! Our children look to us for safety. WE OWE that to them. It's not like this woman told her child honey, I am going to drop you off and I'm going to go drive around the block to cool off. NO---she LEFT her. If anything why didn't the mom park the car and get out of it herself to count to 10 or 50 while her kids were in the car?! SHAME ON YOU!
Also for the lady who was on the Dr.Phil show saying it was OKAY for this---listen lady, we don't live back in the 1920's when it was SAFE for your kids to play outside. SHE LEFT HER CHILD!!!! All alone. NO MONEY I'm sure to even be able to call home. The poor little girl was scared out of her mind! HOW can you think that is okay to do to a child? SHAME ON YOU TOO! Dr. Phil, please talk to these mothers and let them know stuff like this is NOT okay! This woman on your show went on to say how she is happy the mother finally "followed through" What in the world? I don't think that is something to be proud of following through with! Follow through with something else at home with the child. Take something away. For those who have posted that they are spoiled. you don't know them and you don't know what these girls have or don't have. Neither do I. Who cares if they are spoiled, they still do not deserve to be left alone somewhere.
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