Sign up for the Dr. Phil Newsletter
Twitter Facebook YouTube

2009 Shows

 
If you're a woman living in constant fear of an abusive mate, Dr. Phil dedicates this show to you. He documents the tumultuous journey of a mother of four who flees to a shelter to escape what she says is a violent marriage. When Star last appeared on the show, she admitted that she was addicted to prescription drugs and was unfaithful to her husband, Isaac. Now clean and sober for seven months, she says that her problems are just beginning. Star says Isaac is verbally abusive to her and their kids, and he chokes her, slaps her, leaves bruises on her arms and feet and has threatened her life. Dr. Phil cameras follow the fearful mom as she makes the toughest decision of her life. Then, Isaac, who doesn’t know where his wife or children are staying, speaks to Dr. Phil via telephone. Hear his side of the story. Will he reconcile with his wife? Plus, Dr. Phil sits down with Star's 12-year-old daughter. Find out how she says the alleged violence at home affects her. And, if you're in an abusive relationship, Dr. Phil’s steps for escaping could help save your sanity … and your life.

Please note: Star is in a safe and secure location, and not at the location listed on the shelter's Web site.

Find out what happened on the show.
Comments
Replied By: abusefree on Apr 28, 2009, 6:18PM
Isaac in the dec 09 show portrayed himself as the caring, supportive husband who just wanted Star to get help with her Addiction.. But was he really?

         Did he attend ALON?
         Did he attend family support classes at rehab?
         Did he expect Star to go away for a month or 2, and return with everything staying the same?

Issac was probably abusive from the very start of his and Star's relationship.

        Did he hold Star responsible for everything that went wrong in his life?
        Did he not take any responsibilty for the household and raising their children? 
        Did Isaac constanly put down Star, her looks, her way of talking, how she was raising their children,
               how much money she made and spent, etc.?
        Did he isolate Star from her family and friends? And then use them to turn against Star?
        Did Isaac control who she talked to, when she could go to work, when she could use the car,  when
               she could go to the store?

Was Isaac's goal in coming to the show , to show the world what a awful mother/person Star was?
And to show the world and receive their support in what a great husband/ man he was?

Was Star's addiction the result of trying to escape her feelings about herself, about her uselessness,
          about her isolation, her fear of her husband, her loss of the dream of the perfect family, and her
          complete hopelessness of her situation?  Did Star realize that Isaac would do anything, and     
          everything to hurt and control her?  And, take and turn her reason for living, the children, against
          her?

Star dealt with her abuse by escaping into Addiction. In recovery, Star is a strong powerful women!
Isaac does not like this new powerful woman in RECOVERY, as his wife. Isaac will do everything possible to prevent Star's continued recovery, so he can continue to abuse, control, and manipulate her!

I pray constantly for all the Abused Women, whether it is verbal, mental, physical. May we be the STRONG, LOVING, GIVING WOMEN God created us to be!

         

 
              
 
Replied By: bethanco on Apr 26, 2009, 8:24AM
By telling your story on Dr Phil,  you are one incredible brave woman. 

You recognized the  abuser i Isiac -  he could not see it -  he chose not to see it!
He said he had blind rages -  bull -  THEY know what they do!   Honestly they know it (I talked to
many DV therapist who agree with me).

You had the fortitude to bring it out in the open.
You had the courage to stand firm with him in public.   He can't deny it anymore.  It is no longer
behind closed doors as abusers love to hide behind closed doors.

You have us (Survivors) as support and Dr Phil and the millions of woman who walked your path as
victims of abusers. 

With support you finally have empathy!  

Shar
 
Replied By: bethanco on Apr 26, 2009, 8:11AM - In reply to krickle32

Calling 911 was absolutely critical in my situation.
Thanks to Police to go on these most dangerous calls of ALL!

Thanks to the Police who answered my call and arrested my husband he learned FINALLY
that what he did was serious and a crime.   Third degree assault against your wife is despicible!

Abusers think because it happens behind closed doors it is ok!
A crime is a crime -   if they assault someone in a bar -  they go to jail.
If they assault their wife -  they go to jail.

Thanks for some judges who have zero tolerance for Physical Abusers (in my case)!
Thanks to those therapists who hold Anger Management classes -  and live in harms way!
It was step one to my not being his personal "Victim anymore"!
 
Replied By: bethanco on Apr 26, 2009, 8:03AM - In reply to muteheretic
I can see how you can feel the mother is a wreck and the father is a jerk and bring in social
services and take away Star's children.  Star did the right thing and is trying to build a new life for her children.   It takes horrendous courage to change your life as she did.    Dr. Phil will help her and keep tabs on her and her children - now is NOT the time to take one more thing from her, her children - for being the victim of a crime  (3rd degree assault against your wife is despecible)!.

But you obviously have never been in an abusive marriage, I have been.  
I refused to have children with the "abusive jerk".   I had a child from the first marriage who saw and heard what was going on in the house.    She and I were verbally abused (VA) and after years of VA it become Physical Abuse for me (he never hit her).  I stupidly missed the classic warning signs before we got married -  I married him anyway.

As a Verbal Abuse Survivor:
I read every book I could buy on Verbal Abuse (Patricia Evens is excellent).   I also armed myself
with 4 years of college hanging out with future therapists.  
Every situation is different,  some abusers spend time aruing, being sarcastic, name calling, giving orders,  putting you down,  countering everything you say,  trivilizing your perceptions or opinions, undermining you until you have on confidence, threatening you verbally and physically.

A Physical Abuse Survivor:
Every act of Physical Abuse starts with Verbal abuse as the catalyst.
What I learned is his words were untrue so don't listen to him.   He lies to try to put you down.  Hear his words for the lies they are!
 I learned to set limits with my abuser when he Verbally Abused me.Such as,  "That will not work anymore"  or Ï won't be talked to like that again, is that clear?  I learned to get in my car and leave when my gut tells me this person is being unreasonable.  I also learned there is a time to call the police.

I learned not to be victimized or act like a victim.   I learned to walk out and go to hotels when he became threatening.   I learned I was not going to be threated like this the rest of my life.  I learned this is not love.

Have him Arrested If You Dare:
It takes alot of courage to call the police and have him arrested (step 2) for 3rd degree physical assault.
Think about it, 3rd degree assault against your wife is despecible!
I got a restraining order against him and I shook for days.  I had post tramatic stress syndrom. 

Blind Rages Are Convenient to Protect Who They Really Are:
Living in a home with high drama and rages is not normal!
Do you hear Isiac stating has has blind rages and can't remember if he hit her or choacked her etc.
That is absolute classic -  and crap.  They know EXACTLY what they did -  it is convenient to live in denial.  After all they are good guys.   Isiac is classic they act like they are completely unaware of their behaviors or the effects of their behaviors.   They like to feel in control, dominant, and at absolute liberty to vent their anger by disparaging their mates -  they certainly do not FEEL EMPATHY for them.
They maintain their Power Over you!   They blame you for their rages and make you feel responsible.
By beating you down, tormenting you and teasing you, countering you, ordering you around, he is feeling strong and powerful in life -  without noticing his OWN wounded vulnerable feeling deep inside.   He is basically usually a failure in Life at work and other areas of life so must control you to feel some CONTROL IN LIFE.  

What men do who abuse kills your spirit until you Wake up as Star is Waking up!
I always protected my daughter -  I refused to allow him to be unfair to her.  I also learned to stand up for ME.      I sent him to jail.   He went to  änger management classes for 1 year.   This is out of the closet -  I shared it with his family and mine.  Most states do care about Domestic Violcence now - if you call the police and have bruises on your body,  the police photograph the evidence, and they remove him from you house and they issue an automatic Restraining Order.    Typically after the first arrest -  you allow him back home.  Be ready with your stronger self in place.   He will be seething in anger.

I am no ones Victim now: Survivor.
Star will soon be a survivor -  it takes incredible courage to stand up to your abuser -  do not take away her children.   

If you decide to stay in this marriage Star  -  eventually you no longer love this man but see him for what he is a pathetic human being.   Your dynamics will change now -  he has to take you serious you have the tools to have him arrested and removed yourself from violence.    You ARE NOT ACTING LIKE A VICTIM NOW.

We need to love, support, and take good care of the STAR's who cross our path -  NOT TAKE AWAY THEIR CHILDREN.

Abusers Listen up -  We are not your Punching Bags:
Abusers need to learn -  we are not their punching bags or their victimns.    I fully understand some men can not be reabilitated and should be in JAIL -  for years for their crimes -

^ODE TO JOY^
Recover yourself, your divine God given purpose, pray that God will give you courage and protect yourself.    You have Personal Power -  God gave it to you USE IT!

Shar
 
Replied By: survivorii on Apr 24, 2009, 6:46PM - In reply to advocacygirl
I am where you are.  But lucky not to have to go through this with children.  I am so sorry.  I stayed until I couldn't stand it anymore.  I have known him for 38 years, legally married for 28.  Been on my own for five years now, just getting by, 62 years old and the legal system ruined my life.  This show upset me yesterday and am still upset and saw your posting and just had to tell you how much my heart goes out to you.  
Sherry
 
Replied By: advocacygirl on Apr 24, 2009, 4:55PM
My five year anniversary of fleeing to a DV shelter with only a diaper bag and my daughter is coming up in 19 days--but who's counting!  Your recent show brings up the point of abusers and “blind rage”.  Doesn’t anyone realize that it isn’t a “blind rage” because they have the control to NEVER have witnesses—coincidence?!?  I think not!!! There are so many changes that need to be made to protect "survivors".


Where are the consequences for the abuser?  He was rewarded like a hero and we have had to endure all of the painful consequences of his criminal actions.  My back and head injuries are a daily reminder of his brutality, yet his lifestyle was GREATLY improved at our expense while we struggle to keep a roof over our head an must live on -the -run from him.  


I have become a certificated Domestic Violence Advocate in order to be a part of those changes.  I am glad to hear that Star had such a positive experience with the shelters--private room with a granite counter bathroom.  That certainly was not my experience as my infant and I lived with no heat and hot water during an El Nino winter.  I found no compassion in the DV shelters and the legal system was even worse.  My now ex-husband, had 8 restraining orders out of the SAME courthouse, but I had to dig up that info on my own.  My high priced DV attorney "specialist" cost me over $50,000 to award my husband EVERYTHING I had ever owned--home, car, downpayment, dignity and coincidently dragged out the divorce long enough for the statute of limitations to run out on the criminal charges that should have been filed.  My abuser has a "documented more than 20-year history of drugs, violence, and abuse towards women, children and anyone demonstrably weaker than him", as quoted from the judge in our court transcripts.  My abuser had completed three separate court ordered one year "anger management " programs.  The result--he learned NEVER to leave a visible mark.  No, he went straight for back injuries, head injuries, ruptured discs and other "non-visible injuries".  So, yes I get angry when I see rookie abusers giving black eyes and bruises.  I had the worst kind of abuse and my abuser was able to continue to defraud me out of everything while continuing to actively--and legally search for my address on the internet.  My restraining order through 2099 does nothing to protect us from that. I got that restraining order renewal on my own, in spite of the fact that my attorney had given me incorrect info about getting it renewed. His "advice" basically left me with no rights to get a renewal because technically they can be renewed only if violations have been reported. (My attorney told me not to report his many violations.)  Fortunately, after sitting in court daily to try to self educate myself, it appears that at least ONE judge read my file and gave me the renewal through 2099.  That is a miracle, but no thanks to my supposed legal representation.  


I've also learned the hard way that the Safe-at-Home Sacramento confidential address program is of NO value unless utility companies are required to accept it.  My address CONTINUES to be negligently released.  Over ten times by At&t, Uverse, Dishnet, my new apartment complex and most recently my required renters insurance company.  My life is in danger once again. These are just a few of the flaws in the system that I have experienced and am STILL experiencing.  


How many times must I move? Must I live in a tent without utilities to keep my physical address confidential?


Again, this is my "short list" of life-threatening incidents that I've endured from a system that has failed me and countless others that you don't see on the Dr. Phil show. I have documentation, TONS of it to substantiate these and countless other experiences I've had. Having moved over 8 times in the previous five years, I'm wondering when my precious daughter and I can finally live in peace.  


I want to be a force for change, but am feeling powerless as an individual.  I know in my heart of hearts that I am a hero for doing the right thing and protecting my daughter from exposure to a life of violence.  However, I feel as I have failed my daughter because of the horrendous lifestyle we have to endure. When does the “better life” part kick-in.  I STILL have nightmares EVERYNIGHT about my abuser.  I’m in therapy, yet I am still overwhelmed and feel powerless and alone in all of this.  I don’t want all of our suffering to be in vain, I want to make a difference for those brave souls, who like myself, blindly jump out of the violence into a world that is even scarier than the one we left. I want to be a part of the change and I have the personal, real world experience that could be used to bring awareness to the areas that need changing for the protection of survivors. Can anyone help me make a difference?  Please give me some feedback or resources---anyone?!? 
 
Replied By: bambi07 on Apr 24, 2009, 1:43PM
After over 30 years, I escaped a controlling and abusive marriage. I did not even realize what I was in. I have been seeing a therapist for the past 5 years. The therapist has helped me to realize the controlling and abusiveness that I was enduring. I was told how bad I was, and that I was controlled and abused in my marriage. I hope that your show helps other women to get out of situations before they go through what I did. Like your guest, I was told, "I'm going to kill you," while he had me down and was choking me. My 9 year old thanks me over and over every day for leaving my ex. After returning to school, I have located a good job and supporting myself and family. I do something I never did while with my ex-I laugh and enjoy every day. I have met a wonderful man that tells me about my positive sides and what a good person I am. He supports me in everything that I do. Good luck to all women that were in my position.
Bambi
 
Replied By: caronemo on Apr 24, 2009, 11:44AM
I am sad to say that a life long family friend stuck a pistol in her mouth and pulled the trigger... 3 days before this show aired!  She is the very closest life long friend of our family for 40 years. She suffered severely from physical abuse, beatings actually, and mental assault at the hands of her husband of 35 years. She was addicted to prescription meds and was extremely depressed. She called my sister the day before her suicide and asked my sister if she was ready to "go with her". Not sure what she was talking about, my sister asked "where". Our friend replied "to end it all". My sister told her no and that she (our friend) didn't want to do it  either, many people loved her and her son needed her. He said she could live w/ him, he would help her. They talked for a bit and our friend said ok I will call my son now and hung up. Well the son called my sister the next day and said "my mom blew her brains out". My sister started to cry and went into denial. No she feels responsible because she felt she could have done something. My sister is in California and our friend is in Arizona. She died 12 hours after my sister talked to her. I am so worried about my sister now and  our friends children. She has two, one who just got out of prison and may not even know yet his mom is dead.  We can't get a hold of him. The oldest had to fly from the East coast to have his mothers remains cleaned from the house and had the father put under a 24 hr psyc hold til he got there. I don't think the husband really cares she is dead and I don't think anything can be done to him even though he is responsible for her death. I think this family needs help!
 
Replied By: gregj51 on Apr 23, 2009, 9:06PM
Dr. Phil God bless you for helping families. I remember the show you did with Star and her family earlier this year about her addictionswith meds. I know how desperately she wanted to get off of them. She did a remarkable job and now to have another problem with abuse from her husband. She is gaining strength and doing the right thing for her and her children. I pray God will give her the strength to continue doing the right thing. When she was on your show beforeyou could see how lost she was and the show today you seen some happiness in her smile even thought it was difficult you saw some happiness. Shes truly a beautiful lady. Physical and on the inside.I hope you can help her through this as well. I will continue to pray for her that God will give this wonderful woman all that she needs and then some.   Thanks!!!!     Greg
 
Replied By: luckygal0824 on Apr 23, 2009, 9:00PM - In reply to karalissa
I'm not sure where you got your statistics, but I work in the domestic violence field and I have never seen where 50% of the victims are men. Maybe you were misinformed. 52% of all women who are killed are killed by an intimate partner. Every 9 seconds a women experiences abuse. 95-96% of victims are women. 4-5% are male. At our shelter, if males are in an abusive relationship, they, too, are welcome to get help. There are FAR more female victims here and all over the world than males.
 
Showing 1-10 of total 59 Comments