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on Jun 11, 2012, 6:28PM
When I was 12, I was sexually abused by my then step brother. He was 4 years older then me and the abuse lasted a year. The entire situation was textbook - the grooming, the promise of acceptance, the fear, the guilt, and the secrecy. My mom and his dad divorced and as quickly as it began it was over. But truly, the aftermath was, in many ways, much more painful. I struggled, suffered and survived in secrecy. After years of counseling, self medication through food, and troubled romantic relationships - I chose to tell my mom. As soon as the words came out of my mouth, I wondered why I waited 10 years to share it. My mom didn't react the way one would think a mother might - but to me, that was irrelevant. A thousand pound weight had been lifted off my shoulders. To those who live in silence, please know that sharing your story can be very healing - when it's on your own time. I felt free. But the feeling didn't last long. The next day my sister called me 3 times, then again the next day and so on. I knew my mom had told her and I was LIVID. How dare she share something that took me 10 years to find the courage to talk about. I ignored my sister's calls for 2 weeks. One day I came home from work and she was waiting for me. She said she knew something was bothering mom and "forced" her to tell. She said that we have something in common and hoped we would be able to bond over the information that she was about to, and has wanted to share with me for some time. She began to tell me about my babysitter who coerced her into lesbian activities in front of men for drugs (my sister is 7 years older than me), my moms friends who asked her for oral sex. All of the stories appalled me, and answered so many questions in regards to her ongoing troubles. But then she began telling me the reason she was really here. Our brother, who is 3 years older than her, 10 years older then me - sexually abused her when she was 12-13. He forced her to do just about everything but actual intercourse. When our mom was sleeping our out, he would sexually assault her. He didn't stop until he got his first girlfriend - which happened to be my sister's best friend. My world stopped turning. I knew my family was dysfunctional - but this? My sister and I shared a room, did any of this happen while i was around? I was 5 years old at the time- did anything happen to me? 2 years later, I still don't know the answer to these questions. My sister swore me to secrecy that night and declared that we are so much closer now that we both have shared our deepest secrets! Really? So, now I struggle with an even bigger secret and my anger against my brother, my mother - and yes even my sister. How can she just casually toss this on me? I know it was her way of reaching out, but I can't get over the resentment (and guilt) I feel towards her and this situation. I freed myself and she buried me with an awful family secret. Logically, I know this isn't her fault. Of course it isn't! Just like it wasn't mine, and all the other survivors who are reading this. But emotionally - I am stuck. I can't get past my anger. I want to free myself of this secret, but do not feel that it is my place to share it. I do not want to destroy what's left of my already dysfunctional family. I feel awful for my mother, for what my sister has gone through, and for what may have happened to my brother to cause him to do this. I worry about my nephew and any future children that may come into my family. I feel wonder and awe as to how I was raised in this family and have come out more or less functional and successful - yet I still feel haunted by my families secrets. Is it within my right to pull the wool back from my family's eyes? Will doing this be the ultimate betrayal against my sister, just as it was when my mom told my secret? Is it selfish to want to relieve this so I can feel better, and in turn cause so much heartache and pain to those that I care about?
I accessed this message board clicking on link on Twitter Dr. Phil posted today.
on Jun 11, 2012, 5:05PM
IF you don't want this link on Twitter click CONTACT DR. PHIL to let him know that you don't. You can, also, click on CONTACT DR. PHIL to give him kudos for tweeting this link on Twitter if you feel that way. You have a right to know that this link is on Twitter so, unless persons think you wouldn't want this message board link on Twitter for over one million followers of Dr. Phil to access and want to hide that fact from you, you should be allowed to know by my posting this to alert all who'd like to know.
I've never been to an AA meeting yet know that in AA meetings what is said there stays there and message board groups are very much like that in an understood confidentiality UNLESS a fellow member says okay to share.
I'm sure some don't care so no need to reply you don't care yet those who do care need to know link posted on Twitter. I, for one, might not want a link to what I said here (if an intimately personal nature) on Dr. Phil Website tweeted on Twitter so my heart goes out to those who feel their privacy breached.
This comment isn't for persons who don't care if this message board link is on Twitter and IS for persons who do care if link to personal things sharing here can be accessed on Twitter.
This isn't a comment to reply to or delete. This is a general information comment to allow persons here to know this message board link tweeted by Dr. Phil on Twitter, today, and persons here DO have a right to know since Dr. Phil has over a million followers. That's VERY public as opposed to here where there are significantly less viewing. Some with family, friends or persons who know them who aren't friends, who follow Dr. Phil too, might recognize a member name here if used on more than one website. Personally, I'd feel violated if link to VERY personal things I shared on this particular message board posted on Twitter. I'm certain others may not yet for those who do care they do have a right to know I accessed this message board clicking on a tweet by Dr. Phil, today. For that reason that makes pertinent to commenting about here as I have. Agree big deal or disagree: CONTACT DR. PHIL. I'm just the messenger.
Your fellow Dr. Phil Website Member
I also was abused by my older brother
on Jun 11, 2012, 4:12PM -
In reply to shellydawn1958
I am 48 and was abused by my older brother starting when I was around 8 years old. I did try telling my mother who told me to never say anything like that again, so I didn't until I was around 27 years old. I had actually blacked out so much of my childhood because of his abuse that it didn't come back to me until a huge fight between him and his wife that i happened to try to break up. He hit me, knocking me to the ground, I blacked out for a short time but when I came to and saw him standing over me it all came rushing back. All the dirty, shameful, terrible things he used to do to me. I went straight to my parents house and told them what he had done to me all those years. He even admitted it to them then, but now denys everything.
He ruined my life, I've never trusted a man completely. To me, all they want is sex and it doesnt matter how much they tell me different. I've tried and tried to like sex, and just when I think I do...I start feeling guilty. I have had therapy, I've confronted my parents, well my mother because she was the only one who knew. I'm on my 4th marriage which is actually good. The other 3, I ended because I wasn't going to let a man have any control over me. I've had to do alot of soul searching to handle this and at times I dont do very well. I suffer from depression and take medication. Twice, I have thought of suicide and once tried because of how what he has done to me makes me feel. If it wasn't for my grandchildren right now.....I think I could easily disappear. It is debilitating at times. It's not that I hate sex...it just makes me feel dirty. I also have never had an orgasm...I fake it so my husband thinks I enjoy sex. I do love him very much and it would hurt him to think he didn't satisfy me. But It just makes me feel like I am doing my duty because I get no enjoyment from it. Then I feel sad and more depressed....its just a terrible terrible cycle that I'm stuck in.
on Jun 11, 2012, 3:39PM -
In reply to shellydawn1958
I was abused as a child as well. I have a hard time with sex and intimacy. I don't know how to "fix" it either. I have had couseling and it has helped me some. maybe it would help you too. Good luck to you.
on Jun 11, 2012, 3:35PM -
In reply to antiquemom
When I was a child, I was the youngest of three girls and my father molested all three of us. It wasn't until I was an adult and the mother of two that I had the courage to get some counselling and talk about the molestation. My father had died by then and so I told my mother about the abuse. She didnot believe me. She said that my father was a good man and wouldn't do that. My sisters and I always thought that our mother knew about the abuse but when asked she denied knowing about it. I felt an large amount of guilt for my part of even bringing it up. My Dad couldn't deny or agree with what I said. I only had my sisters to collaberate my story. my mother has passed on now but she never did acknowledge my story.
My sister's and I know it was true but our abuser will never, in this life, tell us why he did it or even give our stories credability. I had spent a large part of my adult life affected by this. I don't know if I will ever be comfortable with sex or intimacy. I feel really sorry for the girl on the show today as I know she feels gulity for telling. It is a hard concept to get that you didn't do anything wrong. It sure feels wrong. You burst the bubble alright. Like Dr Phil says, you can't unring a bell. And she certainly rang one, loud and clear. But, if she didn't do that, who knows what the abuse would of become and maybe her sister would of suffered abuse as well. maybe her brother would of gone on and abused more girls. No, that bubble needed to be burst. She doesn't know who she saved from abuse but God bless her for it!!
It is hard to wrap your mind around what has happened but that girl did do the right thing!!!
SEXUAL ABUSE AND SEXUAL DYSFUNCTION
on Jun 11, 2012, 3:22PM
Does anyone else who was abused as a child suffer from sexual dysfunction? I am 54 and was abused by my brother when I was 8 or 9. I have no interest in sex, although it does not turn me off, I am not afraid of it. I have never experienced an orgasm and am unable to have any sexual satisfaction.
To My Fellow Dr. Phil Website members here:
on Jun 11, 2012, 1:58PM
If y'all don't want link to this message board on Twitter where persons can scroll down to see personal information you are sharing here... be sure to let Dr. Phil know. Dr. Phil's tweet this afternoon: "Worried your child is being sexually abused? Look for the signs: (link) Are you a survivor? Find support:" (with 2nd link to this message board where y'all have shared personal information that you may not want accessed with link here posted on Twitter by Dr. Phil).
You don't have to share your member name here there so you can keep your anonymity. However, I know some use same member name on other message boards and would prefer info shared here not be accessible on Twitter. So IF you don't want Dr. Phil to post links to this message board where persons on Twitter can see personal information you've shared here let him know via Tech staff here etc.
Your fellow Dr. Phil Website member,
on Jun 11, 2012, 12:13PM
Why is it that sex abuse always ruins the victims live ? I still haven't been on an actual date or had normal sex . i tell my dr. that i'm losing my sex drive because of my age but now i realize the medication i take is having an effect as well as making me gain weight . SO WHAT DO I DO sex is a nightmare i'm trying to forget and if i wanted to try i don't have the confidence to do anything and the rest of the problems i mentioned already . I wonder if my phsyciatrist is doing all this on purpose to string me along for all these years with the goal of keeping me out of life ?????
on Jun 1, 2012, 4:18PM
My sisters and I were raped by our father for years. He also let his friends rape us. I don't remember any of the bedrooms I slept in. I always thought I was the only one being abused until I grew up and my sisters and I started talking about it. I don't feel sorry for myself but I do feel bad for my sisters. I thought I was protecting them and I wasn't.
My father is dead. My mother is alive but I really don't have much to say to her. She knew what was going on and turned away. He was very abusive to her as well. He beat her constantly. I blame my mother for not removing us from the situation and hope she feels like I felt as a kid. Am I wrong for my actions?
I did spend 5 years in therapy and I know it wasn't my fault. I have no feelings. I feel dead inside. Do i need more therapy? Why do I feel heartless?
I will always feel like its my fault
on May 23, 2012, 10:51AM
when I was 8-9 I was abused by a gang of lads who were teenagers in the place I grew up in. it happened a few times and at the time I thought it was ok that this was normal.
it has stayed with me my whole life and I now feel that It was my fault and look bak on this as if I knew what I was doing. but I didn't know I was only a child I really don't remember what happened but I did not say anything to anybody as I got older I seen these men around and there was always the tension which frightens me and I now think I am not good enough for anybody and I never been in any sort of long term relationship with a man as I felt that I was not worthy of being happy. but all these men are happy with families and they ruined my life I realise that I was not my fault and I would like to confront these men for what hey done to me but I now understand that is was never my fault I hope if this has happened to other people that it is never a child's fault
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