If you or a loved one suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, find encouragement and support, share advice, and connect with others dealing with this illness.

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Replied By: fiendfyre on Sep 1, 2012, 9:02PM - In reply to livingwbpd
I am so glad to have read your writing.  Just from that little bit I can tell that you have BPD.  It’s your understanding and thought process that maid me feel a connection. In so few words there is a certain consistence I feel is comparable to my own.  I believe you that we are strong because we are fighting it.  It feels like the most difficult goal to achieve is normality. To be stable in all required ways in which we can be sure not to harm others or our selves. Most importantly, I think, it is the strength to stay alive that is the hardest thing to do when all you long for is an end, at least in my opinion.  Every day of life is a testament of strength.  I believe because I have to in order to have a chance.  
Replied By: livingwbpd on Aug 27, 2012, 1:52PM
I was diagnoised with BPD about 7 years ago.  I suffered since I was about 12 years old although I did not know then what it was.  I was self harming by that age and very self distructive.  I had been sexually abused by my older brother and the one time I tried to tell my Mom what was going on I was called a liar. When it came out that I was not lying several years later I was taken to a therapist, in my oppinion he acted like I was lying and I refused to talk after that.  He told my Mom if I was not going to talk then he was not going to waste his time. I continued to struggle and dated abusive boyfriends on and off for years to come.  I married my husband when I was twenty and four years later we had our first daughter.  I was then diagnoised with post partum depression.  I tried going to a therapist again and after three visitis when all he did was give me test after test to take and never once talked to me I stopped going.  2 years later my second daughter was born.  My husband and I struggled fought often I tried to be a good Mom but would bury myself in my job, and everytime my husband and I would fight I would self harm.  7 years ago I had a hysterectomy and my family moved in wiith my Mom while I recovered.  Things spirled from there.  I attempted suicide.  My husband decided that it was time to get help and I was admitted to the hospital.  It was the worse two weeks of my life being away from my family.  I am not sure how much the hospital helped but they did diagnose me with BPD, Clinical deppression and signs of OCD.  When I got home I started reading everything I could on BPD.  I talked alot with my husband and continue to talk with him.  He took over addministrating my meds so that I made sure to take them all the time on schedule.  And I often need to ask him if what I am thinking and feeling are real or just my brain playing tricks on me.    I still have struggles each day and have to remind myself that what my brain tells me is not always the truth.  It has now been 7 years and I have not had any more suicide attempts even though the thought does cross my mind.  I have watched my daughters and see some of the same personality traits in them....I worry daily about them and myself, but I have found that being open and honest about what I have instead of trying to hide it has helped, to keep the lines of communication open.  I feel that the largest dis-service we do to ourselves is not accept that we have a problem the same as any other disease.   It is NOT something we should be ashamed of, but something we should accept and take control of.  YES we have BPD and we are stronger because we are fighting it.
Replied By: fiendfyre on Aug 22, 2012, 8:51PM
I wont go into details because I don’t want to trigger anyone that may read this that has similar habits to my own.  However I did do something that I thought I would get hospitalized for and to my surprise the hospital staff including a doctor that did not know me believed me that I was okay.  For the first time I was not whisked away to a crises unit and put on a form that takes my rights away.  It was so incredible to be trusted even if I made a mistake.  As if it was not amazing enough, my case manager who visits me at home was equally as trusting and supportive.  For once I felt in control of my healthcare.  With my history this is something I feel I had to earn.  I have become an expert on myself and I am determined to become safe and as close to normal as I possibly can get.  This incident showed me that I have come a very long way and that medical professionals are now willing to leave my care in my hands.  I feel good.
Replied By: fiendfyre on Aug 20, 2012, 6:26AM - In reply to jenny867
I share your opinion.  It would help so many people if  someone had the guts to take on and explain something even just the basics of this tremendously hurtful disorder.
Replied By: fiendfyre on Aug 20, 2012, 6:20AM - In reply to muckakim45
Just one more thing I want to write to you.  From my point of view as a person with BPD.  I believe that no mater  what you do or say you can not make a person hurt themselves or kill themselves.  It is strictly their choice.  Many people suffer incredibly and yet they fight to stay alive no matter what.  Therefore what my suggestion was to my family is never blame themselves for my actions and know that there is nothing they can say or do to influence my choices to that extent.  You love your sun and that’s why its so very difficult, but forgive me for repeating myself, but you must take care of yourself first.  
Replied By: fiendfyre on Aug 20, 2012, 6:08AM - In reply to muckakim45
I  sort of had a bad episode so unfortunately it took me longer then I would have liked to reply.  However I wanted to recommend a book that I gave my family to read.  I think it will shed some light on what is happening with your sun.   

Publication Date: July 1 1998

Stop Walking On Eggshells is a self-help guide that helps the family members and friends of individuals with borderline personality disorder (BPD) understand this self-destructive condition and learn what they can do to cope with it and take care of themselves. It is designed to help them understand how the disorder affects their loved ones and recognize what they can do to get off the emotional roller coasters and take care of themselves.

Paul T. Mason (Author), Randi Kreger (Author)

If you are not able to fined it and you want to, let me know I am more then willing to send you my copy.  I understand that your address is privet, but you can give me any address where you can pick it up for example your local library or doctors office.  Anywere you want just let them know what you are doing and that they are okay with it.  I have to go back to the hospital now, but when they let me out I will return to this site right away. 
Replied By: jenny867 on Aug 9, 2012, 11:50AM
I wonder when or if Dr. Phil has done a show on BPD? I am dealing with this as are so many others. It can be debilitating :(
Replied By: muckakim45 on Aug 7, 2012, 8:24PM - In reply to fiendfyre
i appreciate your support and i am sorry you are suffering this. it is good to talk to someone about how i feel mostly i keep it in. he tends to put a lot of guilt on me like if i do not do what he wants he will starve to death and kill himself this terrifies me. i know he deliberately pushes my buttons. we do not have any support groups here and i would like to understand why he does this. and if he was born with it or something traumatic caused it but he just shuts down and becomes abusive.
Replied By: fiendfyre on Aug 7, 2012, 4:30PM
Each person diagnosed with BPD is still there own individual what works for one may not work for the other.  Some react externally by releasing their pain out into the world around them such as lashing out.  Others react internally by releasing their pain secretly such as self harm.  Remembering that there is no crisp line in between the two they can float back and forth sometimes or all the time.  I have had my share of projecting on to the outside world at a certain time in my life, but it was short lived.  I eventually retreated into my own mind and hid again, very successfully I should add.  What ever their coping mechanisms are (please forgive me for the harshness that I am about to write) I am convinced they all experience hell that is trapped in intricate parts of their brains and has a hold on everything they think, feel, and experience. I say this with a sense of certainty because I know what it is to be in that place.  However this is not an excuse for “bad” behavior it is a reason to seek professional help.  Unfortunately many people for their own reasons including sadly not wanting to (this was me) just do not get help.  As hard as I worked not to let anyone fined out about my personal demands and as angry as I was for being alive and everyone closest to me being informed about my secret world by medical staff.  It was what saved my life.  I am not saying that I am cured.  I think people with BPD will understand this; I had to go through different stages after the shock wore off including grieving for the loss of my control to die.  I am not going to explain that, I don’t think I can.  All I can do is ask those who do not have BPD to recall just for a second, don’t let your self stay there, a moment that was so traumatic that your body was screaming with overwhelming symptoms and your brain felt under attack.  With ought warning or any thought suddenly you explode with emotion that is so unbearable you cant stop till its over.  That is what BPD feels like except it happens all the time and we may not even know why or what if anything set us off.  I beg you all those with and those without BPD don’t pity us that is not helpful and it is not why I have shared this.  I realized that this needs to be said.  I will be as direct and honest about this subject as I possibly can.  Even if this dose not win me a popularity vote with most people.  If this shows even one person that they are not alone and there are people who truly do know what its like who fight to get better it is worth every bit of it.  There is something I believe with all my heart and that is Every One has the possibility to get better.  I repeat every single person can get better.  Don’t give up and learn everything you can about  what to do to help yourself and keep trying till you fined what works for you.  Thank you for taking the time to read this I hope you took away something beneficial from this. If not then I apologize for taking up you time.  I will keep trying to add things I believe I would have benefited from especially before I got help.               
Replied By: fiendfyre on Aug 7, 2012, 1:00PM - In reply to muckakim45
I read your comments and realized you are from Australia and I gave you American statistics.  I tried to fined out the percentages there, but I have not been able to fined any at this time.  Sorry about that, but I think the point I was making still applies.    
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