Depression and Grief

 

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Are you overwhelmed with dark feelings of despair? Have you suffered a loss and are having a difficult time coping? If you or someone you love is suffering from depression or is grief-stricken, you know it can be a struggle, but you don’t need to suffer in silence. Share your story here.

If you need immediate assistance, please call your local emergency number or crisis hotline listed in your local phone book's government pages.

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Comments
Replied By: yesyoucan on May 16, 2016, 1:32AM - In reply to mindsthunder
I just popped in since my hair wasn't quite dry yet need to get some sleep, now.  Leaving all y'all in God's hands via prayer... 

GOD PLEASE REPLY

If ever you reach out in word 
And feel like no one heard 
To me each comment that I see 
Are like prayers rising up to Thee

After you left with all your tears 
Combined with all your haunting fears 
People stopped to read words you left 
Sending prayers for you to be blessed

Parting prayers prayed to help you some 
So you feel uplifted when here you come 
And when no one knows what to say 
Now and then know for you many pray

Thus if after you bare your soul 
You feel no one heard... not one soul 
I wanted you to know I stopped by 
Said a prayer for you signed please reply
 
Replied By: yesyoucan on May 16, 2016, 1:09AM - In reply to tiffebs
You've been through a lot.  Dr. Phil suggests this link:  www.helpguide.org which has advice for suicide and grief.  Are you and/or your daughter going to grief counseling?  Social Workers at Hospitals and many churches often know of grief counseling groups.  Also Al-anon www.al-anon.org might be helpful for you and your daughter.  Finding what helps is like looking for a pair of shoes.  What works isn't one size fits all.  You have to keep reaching out until you find the help that helps that may or may not be the same for you and your daughter.  We all are individuals.

Good old fashion talking can help too.  What do you think of you? Guilt trips are expensive trips to go on whether we pack our bags or other(s) pack for us yet sadly we humans often pack our own bags or another or others do for us.  

Lots of Dr. Phil quotes help me like:  "Life isn't cured it is managed."  Someone here quoted their mother saying "one day, one tear, one smile at a time" we manage.  "You are never alone if you are there for you."  I add:  BE THERE.  

Your daughter is part of you and your husband so ideally everyone won't insult you or him in front of her.  Yet as you've learned life isn't ideal.  

The "Serenity Prayer" is very wise.  You cannot change others who are likely not only critical of you and are critical of others as well.  It hurts.  I think it is getting to where most all of us have had unkind things said about us on social media.  It seems like everyone sees yet unless goes viral and even then everyone doesn't and most forget.  Think about all the viral videos and mean things you've seen said of others.  We mostly remember what was said about us and likewise.  So therein is the key to not internalize.  Persons who know people who are critical of you likely know not limited to you and just how person is with lots of people.  

Looks like you planned very well to have a stable home and life got in the way.  Life these days there is an epidemic of substance abuse.  

Self Matters notebooks can be healing.  Begin a Self Matters notebook with your daughter and title Selp Matters Includes and both of you sign your names.  Title each daily page Self Matters Includes and autograph like you are autographing your life.  You can do a personal one too.  ONLY put compliments about each other and your goals and positive affirmations.  

If you want to you can add your husband's name and in his memory only put your positive memories of him in there before his substance abuse for that's who he truly was.  He just got lost and couldn't find his way back as sadly many do.  I believe that we can get drunk on sadness too sipping on sadness to the point it becomes habit.  Life is mostly habit and we all have to practice, practice, practice thinking positive.  Another Dr. Phil quote:  "You are the one who talks to you all day every day.  Characterize messages you send yourself with a rational optimism."

Therapy and sometimes medication can help.  For those that medication doesn't work on sometimes exercise as simple as walking can help.  Is there any place you and your daughter could go for walks?  Shallow breathing has been linked to anxiety, depression etc. and exercise can oxygenate the brain and is a natural mood elevator.  Of course, losing a loved one is depressing as is being in stressful situation.  I can understand due to your husband's addiction that you and/or your daughter may be reluctant to take medication.  Too, if don't need it no need to take.  Sometimes it is normal to be sad just so we don't become lost there.  Your coming here was reaching out.  

Learning to equalize breathing can help too: calmly breathe in and out to count of three each way or a calming mantra like "Fear Not as breathe in and Have Faith as breathe out."  Dr. Phil also suggests to count of 7, too, and his son to the count of five each way to equalize your breathing.  Keeping a healthy diet and sleep schedule, along with thought diet, is important to feel in sync for us all, too.

I've learned over the years that often the only reason we don't see how things could possible work out is only since hasn't worked out yet though will.  Believing is seeing.  I truly believe that.  Believe in you.  Believe in your daughter.  That's what matters.  You were proactive to come here and that proactiveness will see you through.  "You are never alone if you are there for you."  BE THERE like you were coming here.  Eleanor Roosevelt  "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."  Don't consent.
 
Replied By: yesyoucan on May 16, 2016, 12:21AM - In reply to terrenceb30
I'm so sorry for you and your wife's losses.  Grief counseling and Joel Osteen helped me to heal when I was entombed in grief.  Funeral Homes and Social Workers at hospitals often know about grief counseling groups that are often free or as little as fifty cents to attend.  Many grief counseling groups are at churches that allow the free use of their church for grief counseling groups to meet. The one I went to was. 

Dr. Phil suggests this link: 


www.helpguide.org/articles/grief-loss/coping-with-grief-and-loss.htm#support


http://www.drphil.com/shows/10/ 
 
Replied By: mindsthunder on May 6, 2016, 3:28PM - In reply to terrenceb30
DEPRESSION can only be a natural occurance, a lowest energy state to rest while the body's neurotransmitters rebalance. I prefer Nature's lowest energy state. Go with Nature's flow and see what happens--don't fight it.
 
Replied By: tiffebs on May 1, 2016, 11:36PM
My husband and I were together 20 years, married for 17 in 2015.  His behavior had changed dramatically starting around 2013-2014.  There were some underlying issues in our marriage but not necessarily ones that were "deal breakers."  We have three children.  In addition to his erratic behavior and those underlying issues, I came to the conclusion that I could no longer remain in the marriage.  Our intimacy was the last remaining thing to "go."  I saw nothing that I was getting out of the marriage.  Once I made my decision (but had not yet moved out), I discovered he was abusing opiates.  I summize now that he had been abusing them for some time, however, he moved onto heroin by the time of my discovery.  This was hands down an absolute NO in my book (ironically, I'm a detox nurse!).  I knew with his personality he would not be successful in overcoming this addiction.  Opiates get a hold on someone like no other drug.  I thought all (or most of it) of my love for him was gone when I left.  His actions remained bothersome and I was continually angry with what he was doing/not doing (as far as the children were concerned).  I offered more than once to get him help but he declined.  He did seek out some help on his own and was sober for approximately 5-6 weeks.  At the end of Jan, 2016, he relapsed which resulted in his death.  Now I'm left with this gaping hole in my family.  I thought I was "ready" to be on my own and to deal with my "new" life but since his death, I know this isn't so.  There was far too much transition in a short period of time.  Add to this my oldest daughter has depression.  She recently attempted suicide and had to be hospitalized.  Meanwhile his family thinks I am the devil incarnate.  Because we were separated at the time of his death, they felt I had no rights, morally or otherwise, to attend to his final affairs.  His family became estranged to me right at the time of our separation.  His mother really wanted me to stay with him and help him through his "problem."  Never once considering the toll it had taken on me and our children.  I've never truly had a great relationship with his family from the beginning.  Since he was no longer there to mediate, I didn't care what they thought.  His mother has somewhat regularly posted on social media how terrible I am and has also shared this info with my kids!  She does not believe I am grieving.  She simply believes I am a monster.  I did start seeing someone right after I left the home, I was lonely and had been neglected for a long time.  I needed to see how much I could do and how much I was through with the marriage.  Plus, my husband lied and told his family some awful things about me.  I'm trying to get through all of this.  It is incredibly difficult to be a single mom.  We were together for so long....I struggle every day with this reality.  I got married before kids so that I could have an intact family.  I understand things happen but truly, it's not been an easy pill to swallow.  I do miss him.  I miss the man I HAD.  Not the addict I left towards the end of 2015.  Opiates changes a person, it changes them in so many ways.  I miss my family.  We had his birthday and my daughter's birthday shortly after his passing.  Our 18th anniversary was also the same week.  This was not easy for any of us.  I celebrated with the kids, as it should have been.  I wish his family's opinion had no bearing on me but unfortunately it does.  My mind says move on, there are no do-overs.  My heart says not yet.  I'm not ready.  I just don't know how to get rid of this pain, anger, emptiness.
 
Replied By: terrenceb30 on May 1, 2016, 7:57AM
I need help. My wife and I have both lost children from previous relationships and now we àre constantly at odds with each other over anything. I know this is not healthy but we do love each other and are seeking assistance in finding the help we need to out our lived back together. She suffered her loss four years ago, and I just lost my son this past February. I am numb still and have lost any feelings that I have for anyone and most everything. This cant be normal. Please help us, especially me. 






Submiited by Hole in my Soul
 
Replied By: gotohell on Mar 19, 2016, 9:16PM - In reply to diverwoman
You are  so CUTE!
 
Replied By: gotohell on Mar 19, 2016, 9:16PM - In reply to diverwoman
You are  so CUTE!
 
Replied By: yesyoucan on Mar 15, 2016, 6:16PM - In reply to drewbaby
I agree your coming here was positive since proactive.  Like many things important we often have to shop around to find the perfect fit.  Even something simple as shoes.  More than a couple of times I fell for "they'll fit better after stretch out" and didn't.  Yet I didn't give up on shoes.  So it IS important to recognize when something doesn't feel right and shop around as you are on something as important as feeling better.  

Dr. Phil suggests this link in his video message to us:  

http://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/dealing-with-depression.htm  

Dr. Phil is a CBT therapist (cognitive behavior therapy).  Life is mostly habit and to a degree we can get into the habit of hitting replay of painful memories or everything that isn't going right and may never be right. It isn't easy to learn to play piano and takes practice, practice, practice and the same is true with climbing out of depression one more positive thought or postive action at a time.  Most times the only reason we don't see how things could possibly work out or get better doesn't mean won't whatsoever and only hasn't yet.  

Were you speaking of being paralyzed figuratively or literally?  A study done at Cooper Institute in Dallas, discovered that exercise, i.e., walking, can oxygenate brain and thereby elevate mood.  Ironic isn't it that often people feeling down say they feel like the wind has been taken out of their sails.  Dr. Phil suggests equalizing breathing to calm self breathing in to count of 3 then out to same count. At night you can increase to 7 to 10 each way.  You can exchange too positive mantra's that are equal in breath length each way, e.g., think HAVE FAITH as breathe in and FEAR NOT as breathe out.  

Too, keeping regular healthy eating and sleeping habits.  If you don't keep a schedule sometimes your body and mind have no clue what you are going to do next and pretty soon neither does individual.  Psychology is the study of individuals so you are wise to be proactive until you find what works best for you.  Few things are one size fits all... including what works best FOR YOU to feel better.  Believing is seeing so believe you will find works for you to feel better... believe in you.

Too, a SELF MATTERS notebook writing 10 or more positive things about yourself that you've done or would like to do or positive affirmations.  Title notebook and each page:  SELF MATTERS INCLUDES then sign your name like you are autographing and taking control of your life.  Like Dr. Phil says, it is time to hop out of the passenger seat of your life and back into the driver seat to get out of rut.  It is like if you play an LP and it gets stuck since the album is scratched you have to get up and go over and move forward.  It's the same way with thoughts.  You have to be proactive and move forward as you were coming here.
 
Replied By: yesyoucan on Mar 15, 2016, 5:48PM - In reply to elimay93
I'm certain that was hard not being there when your dad passed.  Periodically, I think of ways things could have been better with final good-bye with my parents and grandmother and even pets.  Things I could have done to make passing easier for them and I guess me too knowing I'd done.  Errors and ommissions of 20/20 hindsight of more I could have done to validate and appreciate loved ones when alive too.  Even though normal, the grief of lost loved ones of mine does play my heart strings like a harp even occasionally years later.

Realized being entombed in grief didn't bring back so most days now I strive to celebrate their memories and most days succeed.  It is like another member here said, "one day, one tear, one smile at a time" healing process.  Helps me too to realize, geneitcally speaking, all my dearly departed family are still with me from each strand of hair on my head to my tippy toes.  Forever in my memories and in my heart.  I think your idea to buy your dad's truck a wonderful way to celebrate your dad's memory.  He probably has a big smile about up in heaven as he watches over you.  Yet oh what a price we pay for our guardian angels.

How many times have you been fishing since you got truck?  What is your fave fish to eat?  I like bass and crappie in fresh water and red snapper and sea bass in salt water.  Sometimes I look online at a free ad website for the cars my dad had to see if pop up.  Also, 1957 Ford Station Wagon mother drove when we were in grade school.  

So sorry for delay replying. Been a bit under the weather. I was thinking I got lucky not getting cold when zap. LOL.  I swear every time I'm thinking about how good I've been feeling it somehow jinxes it.  Coincidence I suppose. It is a beautiful day on the farm today.  Hope you are wearing a smile if you return and read this.  Share what you've been up to...  yesyoucan aka SEA
 
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