Sign up for the Dr. Phil Newsletter
Twitter Facebook YouTube

Archives

 

This content requires the Adobe Flash Player and a browser with JavaScript enabled. Please install the latest version of the Adobe Flash Player.

Get Adobe Flash Player

Grieving profound loss can be devastating, but it is a natural process. Share your grief with others and find support to help you recover.

__________________________________________________

This board is now “Read only.” Visit the DrPhil.com community to continue the conversation on our new message boards!
Comments
Replied By: shawnmarie74 on Aug 21, 2012, 2:57PM
It's a weird way to feel at my age... an Orphan. When I was 7, I was adopted. The circumstances which led to my adoption were a horrible reality for me. I was living with my very abusive "birth-mother" who traded my tiny body for drugs and whatever else she could benifit from I guess. The physical,mental,emotional and sexual abuse finally was reported to the authorities and I was taken, along with my older brother out of the home and placed in the Foster care system. I also will mention that I was a twin, unfortunately my twin did not survive the abuse and passed away.... My older brother and I were seperated and placed in different Foster Homes, in different states for that matter because the authorities said he was also abusive to me. I lived in the foster home for a few years and was blessed enough to be adopted as an older child (7 years old). By that time however, I had learned to be whatever anyone needed or wanted me to be to please them. I sufered molestation by my new adoptive family's closest friend, who would "baby-sit" me on a regular basis. Always living with the threat that my new parents would send me back if they knew how "damaged" I really was. I kept many things from my adoptive parents and tried very hard to be the daughter that they dreamed of having. In 98 my adoptive mother died from cancer. I was devastated and lost touch with reality for about a year. I used drugs and found myself in the grips of a Meth addiction. I got clean and sober and have remained that way now. Just a year ago in June 2011 my adoptive dad passed away, also from cancer. Both of my adoptive parents died at young ages, and now I find myself, once again an orphan at the age of 37. Over the last year I have struggled so hard with the grief of loosing him and also my mother all over agian. I am still sober though, only through Grace. I have found my birth-father and have a relationship with him, but I find myself feeling it's a betrayal on my adoptive parents? I don't understand why i feel ths way? I also struggle with the knowledge that myadoptive parents never really knew the REAL me, all the pain and hurt I hid from them because I wanted to be the answer to the dream they were trying to fullfill. It's a lost and lonely world now, but I have 3 kids to be a mother for now. All this effects me and I'm finding it hard to know where to begin or how to put the real me back together? I always hide the real me, I always hide the pain, the shame, the anger... ME
 
Replied By: learnedsome on Dec 15, 2011, 6:27AM
Stress management.... We all know that for whatever reason, Christmas is supposed to be a celebration of Peace. But.........(the other half of the story) it sometimes becomes stressful. In a good stress management class you will learn that the easiest way of relieving one's own stress is to give it to another. That is why we pay the shrinks, to listen to us :) We not just share, but Transfer that stress to another. It just makes US feel better. Now, the other half of the story. It is great to be a good listener and giving feedback when appropriate and in an environment that it will be received. Here comes the BUT. But, you do not have to absorb someone else's problems. Repeat: You DO NOT need to absorb someone's problems or they will become your own. That will only create a stress in your own world. Be careful of that one! Do not accept someone else's problems as your own. Accept only things that YOU CAN change. Be sympathetic to those you Can't Change and forget the rest. Cold as it seems, it might be a way to a way to make your holiday's a bit better :)
 
Replied By: tigercuddles on Nov 15, 2011, 7:26PM
How does a person make it thru the holidays.  My son was killed in an auto accident 4 years ago as he was driving home from his last day of college.  We buried him on his graduation day, the day before Mothers Day.  I never got to say goodbye and we were extremely close.  he was very musically gifted and used to perform with me in church.  He loved Christmas as much as i do.  . My youngest son moved out 2 years ago to get away from the memories;.  he hasn't been home to visit since.  I just found out that he will not even come home for Thanksgiving, and may not come home for Christmas either and doesn't even want to exchange Christmas gifts because he would have to stop by to visit..  He lives 20 minutes away.  He doesn't call or answer my calls.  When i was growing up I wanted to be a mother more than anything.  I no longer feel like a mother and it breaks my heart.  My husband has to work weekends and holidays leaving me home alone.  I don't have much of any family.  My husband can't find another job where we live or at his age.  How do i not just cry my way thru the holidays alone again. 
 
Replied By: jghost777 on Oct 31, 2011, 8:13PM
My husbands 16 year old son took his own life a year ago. As I'm sure you will understand it has been a very difficult year for my husband, who struggles still almost everyday. I'm in the constant situation of wanting to help, not able to discuss my feelings with him. I have several other family members and friends I can talk to, and my husband is always willing to talk, but when I bring his son up, unless it is something neutral or positive, I feel I'm just bringing him down. He mostly gets angry if I try to talk about it anyway. My own father committed suicide when I was 13, and feel I could help, but he doesn't see it the same, and honestly it is not. Anyway, I know he will never get over it, but things will get better. I'm just not sure how long til he can feel more normal and when I can stop worrying about him.
 
Replied By: sk202399 on Nov 15, 2010, 7:22PM
Things went a little better today, except for my dad going on a cleaning spree and not looking at what he was throwing away.  The man has no sense as to what "keep out of my private things" means.  He says it's my fault for keeping things messy.  I hate him so much sometimes that I can actually picture beating him severely.  I can't actually do it, but it feels oddly therapuetic to picture this.  You don't just grab the bags off the floor and throw them away without looking to see what is in there.  He threw out bank statements!  Good thing I was able to go through the trash.   He had no business even being in my room at all.  He'll eventually pull out the "I'm stressed and grieving" card, but I can play that one too.  He forgets that he is not the only one going through this and I know he will try to take things out on me and my mom again at some point.  I like the "I'm getting angry" line he uses.  As if that is supposed to scare me. 

I scanned some negatives from October of 2006.  It was the first time I went out to Arizona.  It was so much fun, but  I got a little sad when I saw my uncle in a couple photos.  I still have a little trouble thinking that he is no longer out there.  Anyway, I know these are generally not read, but it helps to put things out there. 
 
Replied By: sk202399 on Nov 6, 2010, 5:44PM
It was a little bit difficult today. Could not get through without tears. I wish that I had a switch or tap so I could say "O.K. I'm going to be sad and have a cry now...aannndd...DONE." I think things would be much more manageable that way because then I could know the where, when and how long when it comes to feeling bad. It's hard when it happens at work, because I need to be focused and not crying. I try to hold back, but I can't always hide because my voice will waver and crack or there will be tears in my eyes. I know that things do get better over time, but this was such a sudden, unexpected loss that I don't know how long it will take. I am trying to focus on taking care of myself right now. I need to be a bit selfish to do this, but I have to be careful, as my whole family is in the same boat. I don't see my parents crying or acting as if they are depressed, but I do feel the difference. There is a tension present. So, anyone have any suggestions? I'm used to losing people after they have been sick, not from an accident. Sometimes I think I'm still in shock and possibly denial. I know he is gone, but once in a while think I will go out to visit him again. Is this normal? I only saw him once or twice a year over the past few years, so I wonder if that is playing into this. It is so hard thinking that there we won't be seeing him again. I often forget what day it is and where I have to be and when I have to be there. I want some kind of normalcy again. It will never be the "normal" of before, but I want a normal without the sadness.
 
Replied By: sk202399 on Oct 26, 2010, 4:18PM
Written 10/20/21 I don't know where to start. My uncle died suddenly 10/20/2010. I just can't handle things right now. I am sad, scared and generally feel like I'm losing control right now. I just don't understand how this happened and am not sure how to do this right now. I can't stop crying. Woke up feeling like everything was ok for a moment and then remembered last night. I just don't know what to do. It's not the first time we have lost a family member, but we have been fortunate in that usually we have had time to prepare. This was an accident. Even though I wrote the above paragraph this morning, I am feeling exhaustion and am just plain sore all over. I have dealt with grief before, but sure could use a few hints on handling the next few days. We do not live close together, so there will be some people flying to my uncle's home in the next few days. We also don't know his final wishes yet, so we don't know if we'll be traveling to him or bringing him to us. Right now I just feel so exhausted and not much more. I try to remember that there is no "normal" but it would be nice to have something like that, wouldn't it? I still feel like if I fly out there, he will be waiting for me at the baggage claim. I just can't get my head around the fact he is gone and my grandfather (who so far is dealing well with this) has to bury another son. I went to the cemetery where most of my family is located and asked them to all take care of each other. I also asked my grandmother to yell at my uncle. Too young. Shouldn't be real, but it is. What a nightmare.
 
Replied By: sk202399 on Oct 26, 2010, 4:13PM
10/24/2010
Is it OK to NOT feel right now? I don't feel sad, and I don't feel happy. I do feel rather pissy and have been snapping back at people (I don't care if you didn't read the coupon or sale sign. That does not mean I have to give in to you and it is not misleading or a con. You did not read and are taking the easy way out by blaming us and accusing us of running a con game. Read. The. Signs. Carefully. And. Completely.) I just feel like he will still be there and I will go out to visit him again. Just does not feel real right now. So, is it denial if you acknowledge that a person is gone but still feel like they are there? I just don't understand right now.

Today (10/26/2010) I am actually really pissed off. I can't believe this. I know it is true and I am on a really short fuse. My nerves are frayed and I don't know that I can hold back. I want to respond angrily to people who don't deserve it (although I swear if customers don't start reading the signs I will have a hell of a time keeping my mouth shut. It's not misleading if the sign says "sale $29.99 regularly priced $39.99, those priced $49.99 now $36.99" GUESS WHAT! IF YOU BUY THE ITEM MARKED $49.99 YOU DO NOT HAVE THE ITEM THAT IS NOW $29.99!) Sorry about the “yelling” but I am so frustrated. I have lost family before, and know it is hard, but this just feels different. I actually had the brief thought that I might be able to get a car or money out of this and then immediately thought “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?!!” I just could not believe I could be that selfish. Right now I just don’t feel right. Can a person’s reaction to such loss be different from one occurrence to the next?

As for customers, I have been rather short, but I am now just saying what is on my mind instead of holding it in.  I don't want to be fired for spouting off, but right now I am just having so much trouble holding back.  I appreciate anyone who listens and can help.  I feel like the hurt is just starting to surface a little bit at a time.  I only saw my uncle once or twice a year, and it feels like he is still "out there" as we lived in other states.  I have never dealt with cremation before, and wonder if I will feel like it's "him" in the box or urn (I don't know yet what was chosen.)  I am falling into the old habit of "retail therapy" which needs to stop immediately.  This is extremely stressful, and work will be stressful as we head into the Christmas shopping season.  There is a whole new level of asshole that emerges this time of year.  I urge anyone who reads this to not accuse store employees of running a scam or being con artists or thieves.  More often than not it is an issue of people not reading signs or directions than anything else.  Please do not throw a fit if there is not a cashier immediately.  I had that happen this morning.  I have tinnitus, was upset, and was dusting several registers over and could not hear anyone approach.  Don't tell me I have to be at the register at all times because if you want a clean store, I have to be able to step away to clean it.  Thanks for listening to my problems, issues, and rants. 

P.S.  Most customers are pretty good.  It's the few ruining it for the many.  Think security tags-most of us don't steal, but somewhere along the line a business lost big because a FEW people did.
 
Replied By: bambam08 on Sep 16, 2010, 10:12AM
It happened very unexpected she was only 45. I got home about 7 am didnt stay the night because I had got angry at my mom and took my son and stayed the night with my new boyfriend. When I got home i visited with my uncle and cousin till they had left. My son went to take a nap next to his mammoe that is what he called her. When he woke up I realized I needed to go check on her and my one of my worst fears came to be finding my momma gone. I dont understand I have severe post traumatic stress. I cant see anyone sleep with out shaking them and checking for a heart beat. I think about her all the time she said she was not going anywhere she would always be here. I didnt get to say good by I found her and screamed and cried kicked and hit threw myself on the floor. Then I held her rocking back and forth singing amazing grace one of her favorites. Being so young I did not have the money for a proper funeral or burrial. I can't bring myself to even touch what it is her ashes are in. Let alone go spread them. I paid the last funeral bill thanks to donations and that just paid for the creamation and them picking her up from my house. When I got there I did not realize I was going to be taking my momma back home in this little box. I had her memorial at our house that we had just got the month prior actually we had only been there three weeks she thought that Jesus came down and kissed the ground where we lived said it was so beautiful and peaceful that she was going to live there till she died. If only it would of lasted longer than three weeks. I started the service at sunset her favorite time. I could not even afford a pastor or preist. I played some of her favorite songs and let whoever wanted to speak between songs. I barely remember the memorial I did not get up and speak words could not describe how I felt. She got me out of a battered womans home about two months before she had passed. Since all this has happened I have lost 50 pounds I shake non stop throw up I cant keep food down. The last image i have of my mother is very traumatic. The coroner would not do an autopsy said there was no foul play. Well when cleaning up the house for the memorial a large amound of blood was found under her bed. The toxocology report said she died of a lethal dose of oxycodone which she couldnt take pain pills with out getting violently ill. She did go to the doctors that same day. Maybe he gave her a shot that killed her. Where did all the blood come from? There was no puke like what you would expect when you find someone who has overdosed. I have no closure. I nailed my windows and door shut. Someone came into my house after she had passed and stole many sentimental things of my mothers. We are not rich by any means so what they had took was not of any value. Since this traumatic devestating experience my younger brothers 19 and 21 have turned to drugs and alcohol. I dont know what to do. We were all so tight now my family is gone I have lost everything.
 
Replied By: ginafrsn on May 19, 2010, 8:33PM
I lost my twin sister Tina  to AIDS on Oct. 4,2007. I can't even begin to describe the pain I felt that day and continue to feel even today. I grew up feeling Tina inside of me, I could feel if something was wrong no matter how far apart we were, and she the same for me. She was my best friend, we would even talk to eachother in our sleep. My nanna recorded us once. We were 18yrs old when Tina was told that she had HIV. It is such a horrible thing to go through. My family always told me that when she passed that everything would be taken care of by the family. I have always said that the day Tina dies would be the day that I completely fall apart.

When it finally came down to the wire, I had to make the decision to stop all the treatment and just let me bring Tina home to die. The Dr's. were pumping her full of all this medicine to keep her alive, but it wasn't Tina anymore, she couldn't talk,walk,and weighted about 75lbs. So I brought her home and she lasted through the night befor she passed. I felt Tina leave from inside myself. Now I don't know how to fill that space inside of me where Tina used to be. I'm angry at my family for not being there like they said they would, and I'm angry with God for bringing me into this world with a twin that he never intended on allowing me to die with.

We had so many plans for when we were old and grey together. We were going to live next door to eachother. Now I can barely get out of bed each day. I've tried suicide, and now I'm on depression med. that doesn't always seem to work. I feel like nobody can truely understand what I am going through.
 
Showing 1-10 of total 41 Comments