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Jamie says that her husband, Tardus’, family is disapproving of their relationship and won’t accept her because she is Caucasian, and they are African American. Tardus’ family says Jamie has “whitewashed” Tardus, forced him to move away and put a wedge in their close-knit family. With Tardus stuck in the middle, will he be forced to choose between his family and the woman he loves? Tardus’ parents, Tanya and Freddie, say they'd like to find a peaceful resolution, but believe that Jamie has changed Tardus into someone they don’t recognize. Have they tried everything they can to foster a relationship with their daughter in-law -- or are they pushing her away? Then, Tardus’ brother and two sisters join the show. Why do they say they're ready to cut ties? Can Dr. Phil bring peace to this fractured family? For tips on managing your in-laws, visit DrPhil.com.

Find out what happened on the show.
Comments
Replied By: strine on Sep 23, 2013, 9:25PM
Seems like the in laws are the racists in this and can't see it- to assume that she is "like a lot of white folks" who don't believe African Americans can "have all of this when her folks don't". They also took every opportunity to belittle her family and using the relationships in her family as a platform to belittle her mental state. 

Sounds like the MIL and FIL want them to live near them, to cook the same foods, to have them visit whenever they want etc for their own benefit. For the MIL to take it personally when Jamie didn't want her in with her while she was having a c section and everyone else to illogically follow suit shows how self centred and unempathetic they are- and making plans about where Jamie and Tardus would "love" to live shows they are as egocentric as a small child who makes plans for their siblings and gets offended when their siblings have their own plans. Why can't they just drive those hours to visit their loved ones where they live and allow them some space?

Imagine finding out 2hrs before your inlaws arrive that they are going to be taking your toddlers for who knows how long- and your husband knew about it for a long time beforehand. Tardus put her under the bus there. I can understand why she wouldn't want them around her kids if they are willing to talk about her behind her back and are openly hostile with her (who knows what the kids might hear about their mother when they start talking about her).  Let alone them driving without the kids in seat belts- what else are the willing to forego with her kids so they can do what they want and get to the church where the ever brag worthy Great Grandfather works as a preacher? 

The in laws seem to impulsively say what they want to say about her and use her "assumed" offending actions as an excuse. They want to control him and now he is doing his own thing with his wife they aren't happy (that is the real reason for them taking offense).

  Seems they are too painful to be around- I would not put up with them for a day- so get on with your lives and maybe one day they will see that they need to be respectful of you to have anything to do with you. Anyone with half a brain could see why Jamie and Tardus would not want to live near them - he obviously is living closer to work also along with the bonus of not having them at their house EVERY DAY acting offended if they don't answer the door. Good on you Jamie for tolerating a hug from them and I hope Tardus has apologised to you for talking about you behind your back to his family. Now be happy x
 
Replied By: peapea on Sep 1, 2013, 6:02AM - In reply to mralem
Mralem, you talk about "sanitoriums"... Maybe you mean "nursing homes" for the elderly, or other types of living arrangements for the elderly, where they live separated from the rest of their family (when I think of  "sanitoriums", I think of the sanitoriums for people with tuberculosis, or people with disabilities - something they had "in the old days", not today). I don't think whether or not a society prefers families living together as larger units, or not, has much to do with this show and what is happening in that family!

Personally (even if I don't live in the US either), I could never dream of living together with my children, after they had become adults and got their own families. Not at all! I would not want my family to care for me when I get old either, I'd prefer professionals to take care of that part of my needs, and my family members to be with me in other ways (visits etc.). And I remember well the old people in my family living with certain of our family members (my aunts, uncles etc), so it is not so long ago since it was very common. But things have changed and it was a wanted change and needed, as it became common for both women and men to work outside the home (can't be a nurse 24/7 when you work full time, just not possible)... The society wanted changes and we got them. Of course it has advantages and disadvantages, but for the most part, for us it has been a change for the better.

If society had been different, and Jamie and Tardus and their family had lived in a society where "the large family" was the norm, I don't think this case had been any better! In fact, I remember these larger families as often conflictful and difficult. Especially for the woman, who married into her husband's family and practically married his parents as well as her husband. E.g. I remember many really, really rough mother-in-laws, who did not like one bit how a young woman got her "little boy", treating her new daughter-in-law horribly. She could not do anything right, she didn't cook as m-i-l wanted (and thought was right), she didn't do the housework right, she didn't act right etc. etc. It gave a lot of heartache and conflicts. As well as joys, possibilities for a strong support-system etc. etc. But it really was for good and bad! It sure isn't black and white... Personally I have no wishes of going back to how the society used to be, where especially boys grew up with a hard job to do, not only taking care of their new family's needs, but also his parents' every need, financial and otherwise... I am very thankful for paying into a system where I get my good pension when I get old and get the care I may need, without having to pay for it (because that is part of the system here which our tax goes to)...

 
Replied By: peapea on Sep 1, 2013, 5:43AM - In reply to namenamename
"namenamename" wrote:

"if anyone drives a child on a lap with full disregard to the child's safety - this is a child abuse and should have being addressed as one. very disappointing in dr Phil for telling "you have done nothing wrong" when children's  safety was abused. EXPECTED BETTER OF THE SHOW"

He actually DID address it! It started with the mother in law acknowledging that doing so was wrong, then he proceeded to talk about him thinking that she was genuine in wanting to resolve this etc. He just did not dwell on it after she said she agreed that it was wrong, that they shouldn't have done it...

The show was on a weekend rerun here today, and again I was completely shocked over the amount of denial the in-laws (and other kids) had. They say one thing, then deny their role in this whole thing (especially the father). I think Jamie was totally in shock during the show, over all that came out. She has just "had a feeling that something was wrong" for a long, long time, but they've all said everything is great when she'd asked before. And now it all came out, at the same time, and she was shocked over how bad it really was. No wonder! I'm sure she is not perfect, and she has some problems she's facing which may be tough for her husband to handle (which is why he has a feeling to vent to his family, he needs to find a friend or somebody else, even a phone helpline, if he has nobody else - but he needs to stop venting to them!), but no matter what, she does not deserve to be treated like that! All that came out today, were things that were unreasonable, at least in my book they are! And some of it is downright racist... Holding her culture and skin color against her, is shocking to me. And to blame her for him changing the way he talks and acts, is ridiculous. I bet that a large part of his changing his ways, has happened through education and work. You do adapt to the field you get educated and start working in, it is simply a way to adapt to a new (work) culture. And of course that bleeds over into your private life, which is natural, since it gets internalized, it gets to be part of who you are, it is just a natural part of growing up and settling into your adult life. Of course the environment you live in, also plays a role, but I have seen this happen so much (even with myself and my co-students and later co-workers), also while being in college/uni myself.

I remember noticing the difference between us who got educated as social workers and our fellow students who got educated in business, administration, mathematics and other subjects... And we all took this with us as we ventured from school to work... It is a part of growing up and going from being a young adult to being a responsible adult with a job and as time goes - a family, with all the new responsibities that comes with these things... You change and who you are also changes to a degree. For some the change is very markant. I can imagine that if a person grows up in an environment where people talk e.g. using a lot of slang, if that person say gets educated in business, they would have to change their way of talking a lot, because the way they originally talked in their daily life, simply did not fit a good purpose anymore. And of course that change also affects their daily life as well. You would simply change the way you talk. I would not be surprised if that is the change Tardus was talking about, trying to explain to his family. It was not a case of "whitewashing" or "being an Uncle Tom" as they put it...

I really, really hope that the family, in particular the father, has a DVD of the show and watches it at least 10 times (if he hasn't already done so). That may help him see his own role and how he says things, but denies it minutes later.

I really feel for Jamie. She hugged them afterwards, but she did not go smiling into the hugs. How could she? She must have felt horrible. It'll probably take her a long time to get over what she was bombarded with. Dr Phil said he hoped the grandchildren would climb on their grandmother's lap coming holiday time. Well, if Jamie can manage celebrating e.g. Christmas in the same house as them, I will be amazingly impressed! She must hurt horribly, and the thought of staying in the same house as them for days, must be difficult. Very, very difficult... I wouldn't hold it against her at all, if she just can't handle it this year... I hope that dr Phil somehow could manage giving them help, e.g. by arranging a couple of intense weekends of shared therapy for them all (e.g. at a hotel, since they live far from eachother, that may be a way of making it possible), because I really think that there won't be much hope for a happy, close family without that happening... It may not be all that difficult for the in-laws and their other children, but for Jamie (and Tardus), all that they said, will be very difficult to get over. There's simply some who don't see their faults at all, they put it all on one person (Jamie, and in part on Tardus as well). Until they realize and handle their own role, nothing will get better, in fact it may get a lot worse after that show...

Sad, very, very sad, when a family treats a new family member like that...

Just as any person, who in some way or another belongs to a minority in their society (because of race, religion, disability, sexual orientation, political standpoint etc. etc.), I don't think there is one African-American person who hasn't experienced being discriminated upon because of their skin color at some time in their life. That should make them better at seeing when exactly that is happening, and it should make them able to have empathy with people experiencing that. That they can be so oblivious to what they themselves are doing, is shocking... Stop, think... We all need to do that sometimes...

All my best wishes to Jamie and Tardus.... :)
 
Replied By: mralem on Jun 13, 2013, 9:19AM - In reply to lqqkinup
Your parents give you love and raise you up until your old enough to settle your own family. But to forget the love of a mother and father is insane, even if your kids are grown up. I respect the parents of Tardus, because their son forget them. Im also a minority in my country, even though i was born and raised in this country. I understand this problem and it occurs mostly when people of 2 different races get married.

At my native country, we dont have any sanitoriums. Parents take care of their children and when the parents need care then it's the job of the children. Even if you are married, you can still take care of your aged parents. We've got freedom in our countries, but what is the price of it. When i saw Tardus mom crying, i was thinking about my own mom and my brother that ran away for more then 6 years now. And i think it is by far one of the greatest sins is a tear on your moms cheek. Especially because our mother is the one thats always with us when dad is off to work (tradition role pattern). I would never sent my parents to a sanitorium, and i would never forget them even if i have 10 children. 


I understand Jamie doesnt feel home in the Afro-american setting, but she had to think about it before she married Tardus. In my culture i have to marry a muslima or a women that would accept islam and becomes a muslima, this helps a lot with her fitting. But if she doesnt, want to i cant marry her because of my religion and the distance between my parents and her. My parents didn't see each other at their wedding, but they are lucky with each other. so MAYBE the old way is better then the new way.

 
Replied By: namenamename on Jan 3, 2013, 5:58AM - In reply to goldenbeach
if anyone drives a child on a lap with full disregard to the child's safety - this is a child abuse and should have being addressed as one. very disappointing in dr Phil for telling "you have done nothing wrong" when children's  safety was abused. EXPECTED BETTER OF THE SHOW
 
Replied By: goldenbeach on Jan 2, 2013, 9:27PM
Doesn't matter if the President is waiting for you, NEVER drive children in a car unrestrained.
 
Replied By: alphak555 on Dec 31, 2012, 11:27PM - In reply to okramsey
I would not let my children go either! I would be furious if the mother in law rolled up to take my kids without telling me or discussing it with me! Tardus is a spineless person who sits on the fence and has a big mouth telling his family his complaints! The family are spitefull and nasty people who I would not be bothered with!
 
Replied By: alphak555 on Dec 31, 2012, 11:22PM - In reply to cadescove99
They said that he is white washed and not acting as black!mstupid thing to say!  The family don't lIke it that he is not acting the way they think he should!




Horrible family!
 
Replied By: alphak555 on Dec 31, 2012, 11:19PM
The father is a manipulator himself to think that their daughter in law was on the show for ammunition ! That is the way he thinks! The girl has no hope becathese his family is horrible and can't stand the fact that the son is not jumping every time the family talks! If the son is complaining about the wife he should shut up! These people don't like it that she is white as they think that the son is not as black!


I would have nothing to do with these people as they just don't like their daughter in law! They attack her and have made it really obvious that they don't like her! The whole family are control freaks and can't stand the fact that the son has a life of his own! Grow up you horrible people! I don't care if the daughter in law is manipulative the way they talk about her is disgusting and not something I would put up with! I would not like to visit people who think the way they do let alone let them look after my children! 


Disgusting family!
 
Replied By: redteachergirl on Nov 30, 2012, 10:41PM
AND Jamie is not really the problem!  Tardus is!  He should have told his wife that his mother was coming!  He should not bad talk his wife to his family and expect them not to react to what he said!  He should require his wife be more respectful of his family just as he would hers!  He is the problem!  This has nothing to do with inrterracial relataionships!  These people could have been white and have the same situation!  


Clearly the family has had a relationship with Jamie. Tardus has created this riff by not being a man!  No mother wants to see her son talked to or disrespected by his wife just as no father wants to see his daughter disrespected by her husband!  


I think Jamie needs to try a little harder to build and foster a relationship!  The family is taking their anger out on Jamie more so than Tardus who deserves it!  Jamie should pull her weak husband up!  


Dr. Phil you let me down!  Still sizzling hot over here!  


Tanika

 
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