Sign up for the Dr. Phil Newsletter
Twitter Facebook YouTube

Dating

 
Whether you're looking for Mr. Right or new to the dating scene, dating has challenges. Are you having difficulty finding “the one” for you? Have you tried online dating? Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Share your stories, experiences and advice.
Comments
Replied By: snowy1 on Oct 23, 2014, 12:42PM
I'm new here but need some advice. My BF and I have been dating a little over a year.  We have had intimacy issues all along.  His past relationships have not been healthy and he tells me I am the only woman he has ever loved this much.  He is never in the mood, he has had his testosterone levels checked and all is good there.  Whenever we try to talk abou this issue it goes into an arguement. I have tried initiating things and he has turned me down, he always tells me it isn't me but it still makes me very upset and self concious. 


I'm unsure what to do, I have always had a very healthy intimate life with my other long term partners and this is far from fantastic and I need to know what to do to get it there. 


Any input?
 
Replied By: cindirose17 on Oct 15, 2014, 3:34AM - In reply to bychancethomas
I think you described this perfectly
 
Replied By: cindirose17 on Oct 15, 2014, 3:33AM - In reply to bychancethomas
I think you described this perfectly
 
Replied By: juliemhill54 on Oct 12, 2014, 8:03AM - In reply to crimsoncowgirl
o.m.g! Do you really even need to ask about this? I would bet that if the situation was reversed,you would not hesitate to let him stay w you,dog or not. He obviously is pushing you out of his life by his actions and decisions. The best thing for you,in my opinion, is to make a clean brake from him now,and move on to a new job,new town,new men,new life! He is a jerk. Monkeys at the zoo treat their fellow monkeys better than he is treating you. Go on girl! Drive away and don't look back!


your friend in kansas
 
Replied By: bychancethomas on Oct 8, 2014, 10:42PM - In reply to tooshort79
Don't take responsibility for his bad behavior.  I think you were snooping because you had valid suspicions.  That's much different than being insecure or paranoid.

You are much better off now that the coward is out of your life.  If he was unhappy he should have told you and the two of you could have discussed your options.  As for not wanting to hurt you...Hello!  That's such a cop out.  He was looking out for himself and wasn't considering your feelings at all.

There are good men out there who have integrity in a relationship.  Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like the man you were with had any.

Being cheated on hurts!  I know I was there not so long ago.  Cheaters have no moral compass and you and I both deserve better than that.  I hope you never consider taking him back. 

As Dr. Phil says, "The best predictor of future behaviour is past behavior".  Stick to that and you will stay away from your ex.

Everyone deserves to be treated with love and respect in a relationship and that includes you.



 
Replied By: bychancethomas on Oct 8, 2014, 4:22PM
Wow!  Online dating doesn't come without it's challenges.  We can portray ourselves as who and whatever we want on a cyber platform.

There's a lot to be said for the coffee date.  I can make a quick escape or sit and have hours of conversation which does happen occasionally.  Rarely am I at a loss for words but I haven't met a runner yet, in spite of them.

Once in a while I can't drink my scalding coffee quickly enough.  I have met some wonderful men and have made a few friends.  No Mr. Right has materialized before my eyes and while I don't believe in love at first sight, I do believe in lust at first sight.  No, I don't consider that an opportunity.

I have received a few very funny messages through one online dating site.  There was a man that I'll refer to as Mr. Fetish.  He wanted to spray me down with grape seed oil.  I initially thought he was showing me his funny side but several messages later I could see his obsession for what it was.  He also let me know that it was inexpensive or, in his words "cheap".  I ran with it and said I wasn't a budget date and although, I was entertained I told him we probably weren't a good match.

I made the mistake of meeting one man on a Friday night at a bar.  I had no idea who he was, although he recognized me.  That's another issue I have come across.  The trick of the old photos!  I'm also not a counselor and didn't care to hear about the sexual issues in his last relationship.  I also didn't need to see his jealous side which he shared with me openly.  I was privy to an example of it which left me with my mouth hanging open.  The conversation started off relatively well, but ended with me practically running from the bar.  Imagine my surprise!

When I eventually do share my phone number with a potential meet and greet, I now give them the warning.  I am specific when I say, "Don't send me any nude pics."  I have received a few and some have been spectacular, however, I am a woman and not as visual as my male counterparts.  I can appreciate a good body and since I still have a heartbeat, I have been left in awe once or twice.

I am an eternal optimist and I still see the single site dating scene as a glass half full type of thing.  I continue my trek through once forbidden territory, laughing and messaging in my quest for the, not so perfect man who can keep me laughing despite the occasional perils that arise in a relationship :)

Wish me luck!
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Oct 2, 2014, 4:08PM - In reply to brookebaby



Of course you are jealous, your value is wrapped up in him, and not in what you know to be true about  yourself. You gotta ask yourself who are you? what are you made up of? What does your value consist of? Only valueless people are insecure and act out the way you are acting. Its very common, and please don't feel singled out. We are all a process.




Think about this, what if he did break up with you for another woman? What if he cheated? What if he was the worst boyfriend ever? If all of this came true this should NEVER take from you. Yes these things are terrible, but they should never leave you feeling valueless. Your identity should never be rooted in someone else.




When our identity becomes rooted in someone staying,  leaving, or performance, then it places a stress on that person that should not be there, which actually drives them away, instead of pulling them in deeper.


So, big questions,: Who taught you to believe the lie that people manage your responses to the world? Do you realize you are powerful enough to manage these responses yourself? Where did the mistrust begin? is this a pattern in your life within other relationships?


I see that you want connection with him, and that you want to trust him, but you need to figure out where this mistrust came from and redefine how strong you are. If you dont you will only drive him away.

Relationships need freedom on both sides, this includes the freedom to make mistakes, and the freedom to prosper.


Bottom line...you dont NEED him or anyone specific to be happy, you choose him and other to do life with, but never to manage your identity or peace.


I hope this helps.


 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Oct 2, 2014, 2:45PM - In reply to dream28b
Trust is built and takes lots of work by the person who is failing to trust. There are things you can do to promote trust...but it sounds to me like you are doing it. 


In the end the ball is in his court, and he has to make the decision himself. Which leaves you with some choices too. How long do you want to wait? Is the wait worth it? Is waiting promoting trust? or enabling him to live in two worlds at once(not healthy)? 


Honestly, he should have dealt with his trust issues before getting into another relationship, or at LEAST had a process going in how to deal with the trust issues. Its not fair that you are being punished for past trauma. This is not love and you deserve more. 


 I always ask these questions with divorcing couples which is:


-Is parting ways going to promote health?

-If so, what is your definition of health and what is your plan to get there and sustain it?


It sounds to me that he has not been managing his pain/trust issues with commitmnt. What is he doing now to treat this pain? Do you know? 
 
Replied By: dream28b on Oct 2, 2014, 1:42PM - In reply to brookebaby
You are overwhelming him and like you admit he doesn't deserve this. If he has never showed you a sign or there has never been an actual incident of him cheating, you have to stop now. Did this come from a previous relationship of cheating? It's either that or you just have such low self esteem that you feel you don't deserve him. You need to feel confident in your love and his love for you.

When you see him talking to a girl, replace the jealous feeling with look at my sexy man and she may be wanting him right now and if she flirts, he'll tell her sorry, I have someone, that beautiful woman over there. Or go over to him and kiss him on the cheek or say hey hun and let him introduce you two and see that he claims you and there is nothing to worry about.

You are going to lose him if you can't quit this behavior. Tons of men turn to "if i'm being accussed of it all the time and treated like she can't trust me all the time, i might as well cheat and at least get something out of it if i'm going to be accused of it". You don't want that. And I don't know if your man would even think that way. But he deserves peace and not having to worry every time he turns around he has to account for him fidelity. And you deserve peace, it's a full time job of worrying to live like that. Do this for you both and the next time you get the urge to search his phone or ask him. just don't and give it a day, then two and then look at if anything came from that girl, if she has reappeared or given you another reason to be worried or jealous. And hopefully you can see that letting it go and trusting will turn into you never worrying again. 
 
Replied By: dream28b on Oct 2, 2014, 1:29PM - In reply to tooshort79
I hope you got my message. It was long and it looks like the system logged me out. I have a similar experience and want to help you with this and can walk you through this. I promise you this rebound won't last long. And true love comes back if it's meant to be. Please personally message me or comment back and I will give you advice and listen. There is still a ton of hope.
 
Showing 1-10 of total 183 Comments