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Dating

 
Whether you're looking for Mr. Right or new to the dating scene, dating has challenges. Are you having difficulty finding “the one” for you? Have you tried online dating? Is your relationship on the rocks because your mate won't commit? Share your stories, experiences and advice.
Comments
Replied By: mountainwoman1 on Apr 13, 2014, 3:45AM - In reply to yosemitesam
Lose her, she's a user. You're a convenience to her, not a true prospect.
 
Replied By: yosemitesam on Mar 26, 2014, 3:38PM
ive been dating a lady for two months and lately she started canceling our plans. It's gotten to be excessive and I backed off. Then she started having computer problems and needed help and came back into my life.

i couldn't help with the computer so she called a x lover who does tech work for a living. I called her selfish and she got very defensive. Can't figure this out unless she is really a user!


plz help
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Mar 14, 2014, 11:45PM - In reply to franilee89


What I want to know is who taught you to value yourself like this? You are worth so much more than what you have put yourself through. So who taught you that you are not good enough to live a life with boundaries?



There is so much in your story that screams of past hurts and you need to formulate a relationship with a therapist to walk through those areas in your life. Everything that you have described is all symptom of what has gone on in your life. Im so sorry for the things that were taken, the trust that was broken and the most of all your heart. Im sorry that people did not take care of your heart. You deserve that.



I think you are a bright spirit who wants so badly to trust but are missing the boundaries that come with giving trust. Its okay to say NO to opportunities that do not benefit you, or promote health in your life. You are worthy of safety and people NEED to prove that they are safe to be around. People must prove that they can be responsible with the vulnerable parts of your life which include, your children, your heart, and body.



People who do not set boundaries usually have never had experience in it or seen it. Most of the time a lot has been taken from them. They grow up thinking that this is how life is supposed to be lived, thinking that they are nothing of value so why protect it? What sucks is that there are other weak people out there prowling for this type of design to take as much as they can from. I think you are attracting these kinds of people (unknowingly) into your life and it’s killing you.


I assure you, your babies are gonna get hurt too if you do nothing to change how you see yourself. It wasn't your fault when you learned the lies that you are not valuable, buta as soon as you recognize the problems that are created from these beliefes, then you become highly accountable. You gotta ask youself, "Amy I valuable enough to change?"




You are worth it. Worth every ounce of love and  hope you learn to trust with a professional soon. Im rooting for your healing.


 
Replied By: jaimie1974 on Mar 14, 2014, 4:30PM - In reply to franilee89
Franilee89,

I urge you to seek therapy for yourself. You admit that you have trust issues, and from what you've described, a lot of your trust issues are from past experiences. I'm sure this leads you to attack then feel badly later...however at the same time there is probably a feeling in the very back of your mind telling you that you should listen to your instincts... What has happened to you is that you have trained yourself to NOT listen to your instincts. It happens to us women, we do this! We try to down play things that our loved ones do, we make excuses for them and/or believe their excuses they give us for their behavior.

While this man has some positive traits, for example he helped you raise your son since he was a tiny baby, you have to admit that he's got some negative traits that outweigh those good ones. Having unprotected sex with you, then secretly putting the morning after pill into your coffee, is an extremely dishonest action. This must have hurt you so much! How do you think you can ever truly forgive that action and move forward to have a healthy relationship?

It is understandable that you want to hold onto this relationship, because you've shared good times as well as bad times. This is why I strongly encourage you to seek some professional therapy for yourself, because there, you will have an unbiased person to talk to, to share your thoughts & feelings without feeling judged. Also, you might learn how to overcome the negative experiences from your past, and learn that you do not have to bring those past issues into a relationship you might have in the future. You can learn how to have a postive, happy & loving relationship that is long term. No more crazy stuff, you know? You deserve it, and your precious children deserve it, too. They deserve to have a mom who is happy with herself and her life. I wish you the very best!!
 
Replied By: franilee89 on Mar 12, 2014, 11:25PM
to start we started dating fall of 2012. He moved out a month ago and we still tried until this week. he has lost his job and planning to move away for work. I love him and i always will. We started out great hopeful and brought out the best in each other. I have previously had 3 serious relationship resulting in 3 children and one divorce after my husband gave me chlymidia. thats another story but a contributing factor in my negative contributions to the relationship. My lack of trust. History repeated its self almost when in february 2013 i had my first herpes type 1 outbreak. i immediatly blamed him and internally felt he was either dishonest or unfaithful. he swears he didnt know if he had. I have been tested several times especially after my divorce. Im not 100% it was him but very convinced due to rumors i have heard prior to dating him from friends fam etc... It didnt take long for me to feel like i was okay with it because "we're soulmates, at least we found each other. But this didnt work anytime his story didnt add up or he was thirty minutes late from work i would sweat it and work myself up thinking he was up to something. We fought and fought eventually split last summer for a month. vowing that wed leave each other alone. i couldnt give him up. It didnt take but two months of being apart we gave it another go. This time i believe he didnt trust me or just didnt care. we had sex with a mutual friend (male) because he said it would be hot and was a fantasy. then it came to be he wanted a female too. i have been searching for the right one if i am going to i want it to be positive experience and if anything help with my trust issues. in the past he has tested to see how far ill go to see what hes up to(since he moved out) he had been coming to see me on the daily and even spent the night a few times but i never really felt he truly wanted to. only felt he needed to. He has helped me raise my son since he was 2 months. I might note we have known each other since high school and i am friends of the family which makes all this harder. they are against us now too which didnt help either.

but anyway long story short. he walks on eggshells. I pick apart his words...we got violent to the point he and i both agreed it was wrong. he head butted me and now i have a scar right in the middle of my fourhead. I pushed him to it though but i know i didnt deserve that.

most recently we found out i have a stenotic cervix, which while dating we had decided to go off birth control and try for a child of our own. many failed attempts later we figured out the problem. I recently had a procedure to dialate my cervix to hopefully get pregnant. the planning of this was way earlier. before the problems. but even with them in mind i still thought if we had a baby i would get it i would trust him i would know he loves me. our lives are falling apart but he still thinks of us that way. selfish i know but i told him how i felt and not that night but two nights later he tied me up and blindfolded me while he had his way. i did kinda like it and he didnt use protection which we had discussed before might be a good idea. he told me "we just made a baby" the whole nine. i was pleased and feeling hopefull. 4 days later i started severly cramping and bleeding which is unusual for me because my period is pretty regular and was 2 weeks early. I have bad cramps too but these were terrible. I called him and he took me to the er.  luckily had a sitter. but anyway he said it was probably from the procedure. the doctor took blood and urine and i found i had a mild uti. but a mild one the doctor said the were unsure but the uti wasnt the reason for the pain to follow up with my doctor. he brought me home and stayed an hour or so but had to leave to fix his car which i knew was important he said he would come back later if he finished. we texted back and fourth and he said at 1 30 am he was still coming but last i heard even called at 3 am when id given up and he didnt answer. The next day i went to see him and he didnt like i was upset swore he fell asleep eating and felt bad. which could be true. but later that day he wanted me to take pictures of his speakers for sale in his trunk and when i did he acted all nervous. i wasnt sure why till i seen the can of vaginal contraception foam. imediatly he said it was mine from a year ago. negative. i assumed he was cheating right away. we argued and he stormed off and left. He called me a litlle later and told me that he had used it the night he tied me up because i am crazy and he didnt want to get me pregnant. I really think i would have noticed that  we have used it before a long time ago and it is quite smelly. but anyway he preceded to tell me that he had previously purchased the morning after pill. and put both of them in my coffee the next day. i dont know what to think how could he do that and then leave me knowing it. i really need help dealing with this one. im tough but im broken
 
Replied By: wdove53 on Feb 28, 2014, 10:59AM - In reply to fungal4funguy
To

fungal4funguy

I so relate to falling in love and willing to do anything. My problem is having the other person being able to commit and love back. That is as painful as loosing the monitary. Emotion or finance we all want return on our investment. Don't we?  Women are just so much more vulnarable, so loving and caring and nurturing and our kindness can so easily be abused.  I am so sorry for you but I know what you did was with all your heart.
 
Replied By: imperatrice on Feb 13, 2014, 2:22PM
Meeting someone online is just about the source, it could be as much the grocery store, at work, at the gym, whatever, it is just another "method".


You can meet quality people online.  You just have to put some gates in place.  Follows are these gates:



1.  Online emailing and chat no longer than 2 weeks - if either party cannot face to face meet due to being out of the country or whatever, then all communication off until the parties can meet.  There is no point to continuing communication until meeting.  2 weeks and meet,



2.  No naked pictures or money ever. ever. never.  None. zero.  Even should you marry.  Never. Ever. No.



3.  Meet the family and friends asap - you need to understand the surrounding context.  Without it you have no sense of where you are.  If this is not possible - be forewarned - this is a red flag.


4.  Spend at least 1 year discovering each other and developing this thing called a relationship.  Anything sooner is too soon.  Slow. Down.  Enjoy the beginning stages.  No decisions.


5.  Know what you want and be clear and true to this.  I did not want anyone who had under 18 children, nor did I want anyone who was undecided or not sure about more children, nor did I want someone who had no children, nor a smoker, nor under 45, nor recently single (at least 1 year), nor nor nor …. I understood what was important to me and wanted someone within the same "space" that I was in. 


And you know what?  We met.  There was someone out there that fits.  I wasn't "lucky" I was "fortunate".  I put the effort into it and from that effort was focused on what was important to me.  We all get to choose what that is.  


But it is possible - online dating can work :-)
 
Replied By: python34 on Feb 8, 2014, 2:06PM
I know what she is talking about, there has been a man who calls himself Greg Franklin, who says he is a civil engineer who lives in Pittsburgh, PA, and has an 18 year old daughter. Says he is in Paris and got robbed  and needs money to get home. Asked me if i use a credit card, i said no, asked for my bank information or could he send me two cashier checks so i could cash them and wire him the money. I have told him off on numorous times . He will stop emailing for a while then start back up again. Says he was in the hospital for 3 weeks because he had a heart attack, only talks by email. Has called a couple of times and sounds like he has a filter on the line. I have never sent him anything and don't intend too. I tracked the phone number and itis a landline in Bonita Springs, FL. He will call you his wife, telss you how much he loves you. He has even sent me pictures of him and his daughter. Big scam artist.
 
Replied By: fungal4funguy on Feb 6, 2014, 7:30PM
Dr.Phil:

I can totally understand what Sabrina is going thru I have been down that road and done that same thing.

I had been widowed for a little over a year when i met my scammer and i fell madly in love with him and no matter what he ask me for i could not say no to him.


I sent 47 wire transfers to him totalling 135,000 dollars, all the money from the sale of my home to cash advances on four credit cards. I am now 30,000 dollars in debt from the cash advances and totally broke.

No one can understand this sort of love or committment to another person that you have never even met unless you have been there and done that.  This man sent me his picture which i found out later was of a famous soccer ball coach by the name of Carlos Ancelotti i think i spelled this right this man is on face book because i wrote him a letter informing him of what was going on with his picture but i never got a reply.


So like i said i know how Sabrina feels and she is not crazy but it is like they have cast a spell over you and no matter what they want you can not say no.  This man and i were to be married also. So like i said i was involved for almost two years and i would not listen to my son or my family or my friends.

And beleive me i beat myself up every day of my life because i stripped my son of his future and my financial security and 50 years of my late husbands life working to provide me with some financial security after he was gone.
 
Replied By: pegasus6 on Feb 6, 2014, 5:28PM
Ladies, after your husband dies is not the time to rush out and get involved in another relationship. Grieving is a process that takes time. Mentally, it took me over a year before I could even consider dating, let alone an actual relationship.

Being needy is how a scammer gets into your head, heart and wallet.

Give yourself the time you need to heal. Only by HEALING will you be ready for an actual relationship. Online must transition to REAL LIFE for it to be considered a "relationship" based on the word "Relate." You cannot relate to a computer and a phone. A relationship requires a warm body to match the voice and the messages sent.

Just BE Aware!
 
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