Marriage

 
Have you found your soul mate and started a life together? What has been the easiest and hardest part of being married? How do you maintain the sizzle in your relationship? What are your tricks for succeeding in managing a marriage and family? Share your stories and advice for others.

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Comments
Replied By: spiritual7365 on May 8, 2017, 10:29AM - In reply to dlane1990
Hi DLane1990,        I hear in your words that you are really strugggling with his infidelity and feel you can no longer trust him.  You said that when you try to talk to him you have to hear how it is all about you and your problem. Not true. Dr. Phil says that when someone has betrayed their partner, that the one who is at fault must understand that they will have to be "transparent."  This means that your husband needs to give you the time it takes "UNTILL". You need this time to build a new trust of him and it will only happen when you see that he "gets it" and that is the validation you are seeking. He needs to be patient with you. You feel the relationship has been tainted and that is justifiable. You want a clean slate.


I wonder if when you really get the acknowledgement from him of how he hurt you, then maybe you could start over. Even with a ceremony of renewing the vows. This would right the wrong mentally for you. But of course, you have to feel as I said  that he truly gets how much he injured you and wants to make it right.


Blessings, Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: dlane1990 on Mar 24, 2017, 9:01PM
Hi I am 26 years old been married four years together 6 my husband started using drugs but three years ago he had a history of it prior to us meeting he was sober at the time we met not even a year into our marriage I found out a year after we were married for eight months, he was with someone and I find myself on a daily basis wondering if it will be renewed if that trust can be gained again sometimes I feel numb the situation I wonder if I can get pass I chose to forgive him but that doesn't mean the road to recovery and healing for myself isn't a difficult one and the fact that I feel like our marriage is tarnished and that everything I thought he was he stopped being that and not moment sorry there is no punctuation I'm using the mic on my phone so I don't have to type not much has anyone else experienced this forgiveness and moving on moving forward in it spin about two and a half years since I found out I'm so lost in it...

Any time I have tried to communicate my feelings I get shut down and told it's all about me and my feelings.... I can't even talk to him. 


He is been sober for 2 years now. That's a whole other can of worms and trust issues.
 
Replied By: housemouse365 on Mar 9, 2017, 10:01PM - In reply to percy70
You are both bringing everything broken into the new relationship.  My best advice is to reconcile with your past.  Learn and grow, before you get into a new one.  Some of the baggage is from previous marriage.  Some of it goes back to your childhood.  You will have to deal with it.  The problems are festering wounds in your soul.  You have to find a way to forgive and move on.  Bitterness and resentment and distrust will kill a relationship.   If you bring it in you are doomed.  These things will kill every relationship.  Your relationships with people at work, with your kids, and with your honey.  Clean house in your heart before you bring someone else in. Get well and be ok before you get a new one!
 
Replied By: ustenor on Jan 27, 2017, 8:23PM
After 27 years, I got a divorce. She had a few affairs and had several men after separation and before the divorce was final. Everything has been kind and cordial between us tho, until, I got a text from a friend, “Hey, you know your ex is married?” We haven’t even been divorced 3 months yet and last I spoke with her she had no one. Yep, Met guy on Thursday and Married on Monday. I’m gonna leave this right here and let that sink in.



MET ON THURDAY - MARRIED ON MONDAY
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on Nov 15, 2016, 11:09AM - In reply to percy70
Hi,    I have been married for 51yrs. And through the ups and downs we continued to have the same vision of our future together. I believe that it is a fact that when someone finds the next partner, even after other failed marriages the statistics are there and can become reality. But there is hope. It takes effort not to fall into the ways and reactions that each has used in the past. Learning new ways to communicate is key.

Communication in a marriage is crucial. Talking through issues after the first upset on the subject is imperative. If the couple decide in advance how to handle the differences and how they will deal with them is so important. Because of the pain of the last relationships sometimes those old habits of how a person deals with the stress needs to be talked about. This gives the new couple guidlines of what to do when confronted with a disagreement. How each person handled things in the past is not a good way maybe with a new partner. We look at the world by the way we have had experiences. Our responses to stress can be so different and that is why having a "Game Plan" of how you will react in the future. is of vital importance.

Have a discussion and come to an agreement. Of course, you want to stomp away or slam a door because of the frustration you are feeling but if you both really want to be a success than allow each other the chance to speak from the heart and voice what they feel isn't going well. Try to not be defensive because the emotions you show during a fight are going to be the ones that contributed to the demise of the past marriage. Agree to sit down and speak with each other and really let each other have their turn in how they feel. Then try to come to a compromise. Even if you are still feeling the anger try to put that aside. Let each one have a turn and then conclude. This really works.

There is a saying, and I might misquote it but it is this: "Love is not just gazing into each other's eyes but looking together outward toward the future."

It is hard to let go of how we each have handled ourselves in the past but it can be done.,  Sweeping problems under the rug is never good because unless the current issue is resolved it will keep coming back up. So make a joint decision that the two of you will work together so that you won't become another couple added to the Sad Statistics. My very best wishes to you, and Many Blessings, Spiritual
 
Replied By: percy70 on Nov 14, 2016, 12:01PM
Statistically 2nd and 3rd marriages fail at a substantially higher rate than even 1st marriages. Given that I've met a man I love and will at some point bring us to marrying I worry that we're in for pain and difficulty if we don't figure some strategies now.

These marriages come with much more baggage and many times heartache. My partner had a very painful marriage and now also just wants to find happiness together. Has anyone here found ways to make it work? 
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on May 28, 2016, 4:01PM - In reply to alick41
Hi Alick41,    I agree on the points you wrote about what is a good marriage. My husband and I are celebrating our 51st. in July. It takes communication and working out the issues. We have always tried to (after the initial disagreement) to then sit down and talk through the issue, and compromise. In this way that particular dispute is settled and it doesn't keep coming in later discussions.

I think that Dr. Phil was trying to help this couple who have so far displayed immaturity about their responsiblities. By having pre-marital counseling they will discuss the matters that will be needed in the future. They admitted that they do not really know enough about each other and now they have a child. I don't think of this counseling as having rules, but instead showing them in advance what they will need in order  to cope with differences and how to resolve those issues in a mature way instead of acting out as they have been doing.

I do agree  (congratulations on your long marriage), about the deeper traits needed to succeed. I wish more young people would take the time to know each other before jumping in too soon. We were fortunate and maybe in a more mature place when we committed ourselves to our marriages. Blessing Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: alick41 on May 28, 2016, 8:58AM
Dear Dr Phil I was disappointed to hear you recommend on your show that a couple take professional advice to set up rules for a marriage, beforehand. Rules set obligations that sometimes cannot be met and check boxes that may lead to confrontation. If we had had rules and check boxes our marriage of 54 years would have ended 50 years ago. The requirements of a good marriage are quite simple. A double bed and a single bank account
Mutual Faithfulness
Mutual Respect
Mutual Tolerance
Forgiveness
Repentance (say you are sorry)
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on May 21, 2016, 10:28AM - In reply to doddridge
Hi Doddridge,    I can see how frustrating it is for you to be constantly on guard with the man you love. It will become more difficult as time passes. It is really hard for you I'm sure when you can not relax and enjoy being with him but instead you feel what lies is he saying now? You will continue in this vortex that spins around you if there isn't a resolution soon. My heart goes out to you. That is not what you agreed to when you said your vows.

I think the only way there is going to be a change is when you give him a consequence for his  deceptiveness. First, you need to have him sit down and you need to tell him that you both have to have a discussion. Start by telling him what you expected in this marriage.( Truth and Honesty-Trust). Tell him that he is eroding these traits and in response you are becoming suspicious on a day to day basis. It is weighing on you and you are tired of always having to question if he is being honest. Now say it is his turn so he gets his minutes to deny or defend his behavior. Next, have a consequence in mind of what will happen if you discover one more lie or if it's constant then a time period for how long you will continue. Stick to your guns on this point. Tell him that he is taking away "your respect " for him and you don't want to feel like that anymore. An offer of talking to a counselor would be perhaps something he might agree to. Not marriage counseling per say, but for him to talk about why he has to lie so much. It is an illness in itself and has been established as "Pathological Lying." You could go with him the first time so he feels supported and ensured that you want to help him with this.

Marriage is about mutual respect and being honest to each other in all matters. When you are put in the position of non-trust it takes away a part of your own self-respect for your self and that is Not O.K.

I have been married for 50 yrs. and this never an issue for me or my husband. We had the normal struggles, of course, (money/children) but we made it because we kept the communication opened and we knew that respect was a very important aspect to uphoold. You see that all your husband's lies are wearing away the respect needed to be a compatible union/team. I hope this helps. He is not trying to change though he promises and he does it cause he can and you by not declaring yourself of what you want in this marriage helps him keep up the deception. Try for more you deserve it. Spiritual7365 If you would like to communicate further feel free.
 
Replied By: sjmccartney2 on Mar 8, 2016, 6:23PM - In reply to doddridge
I understand exactly how you feel. I have been with my husband for 3 years now. From the very beginning it was an uphill battle. One minute he wanted to be with me and the next he didn't. I have a son from a previous relationship and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. From Day 1 he has treated my son differently, as if he is jealous of the relationship my son and I had. After 2 years of my son having no one to call dad he finally started calling my husband dad, and we had a daughter who is now almost 10 months. I just found out 3 months ago that he has lied about everything he has ever told me. I did know that I was his 3rd marriage, he told me his 1st marriage was to get back at his daughters mother, and his 2nd he said she cheated on him, wouldn't work, and drank all the time. The relationship with his daughters mother he said she was a drug abuser and refused to work. Well come to find out he has admitted to ruining all the relationships. He was a drug user (which I knew and he no longer is) and he was the cheater, he couldn't keep a job and lied to me about going to college. When I was pregnant he talked me into becoming a stay at home mom, so I am currently a stay at home mom. He has become verbally abusive, he calls me a fat bitch, fat c*n*, tells me I need to go run on the treadmill, makes comments about the size of my clothing and comments about not being in shape. After having my daughter I went into a downward spiral into depression, he blamed my depression on me. Not the fact he didn't help me. He took 3 weeks off of work to "help" and was never around, he even went as far as bringing his daughter down from PA just a couple days after we were discharged from hospital. He left me alone with a new baby to make a drive to get his 12 year old daughter and then when they were back he left me alone with a new baby with severe reflux a 6 year and a 12 year who fought the entire time. I will admit the first depression medication they gave to me I gained 50 lbs. Since they have changed my medication I have lost 20 lbs and I'm still trying to lose. Between the lying and hurtful words I have become extremely defensive anytime we have a conversation because I feel like I know where it is going. We fight about everything...even something as small as what we will have for dinner. If I cook he doesn't eat it because he might have had too much sugar (fears becoming a diabetic and there is no history of diabetes in his family) or having too much protein (fears dying from too much protein)....yes I know he has MAJOR issues. I eventually stopped cooking for him and just providing for myself and the kids then he started to put me down about not cooking. He also complains about the house says its never clean. I pickup the house every night, but he leaves his stuff laying everywhere, dirty clothes on the kitchen table, he throws garbage on the floor for me to pick up, he will even spit food on the floor that was stuck in his teeth. We tried counseling went to 3 sessions and he quit because the counselor told him he was being verbally and emotionally abusive. He has started to not wear his wedding ring when he goes places, he will tell me he is going to the store that is 5 minutes from our house and will be gone 2-3 hours, he has a lock on his phone and computer and won't let me near either, and on many occasions he has come home and gone stratight to the shower...i know what you are thinking...he is cheating...problem is he is good, he is very good...i cant catch him. Today was the final straw when he left the house for more than 2 hours and didnt have his wedding ring on. I handed him divorce papers, problem is I love him, even after all of this, I have hope and I shouldn't. I should realize that it is a lost cause and that I need to move on and put my kids first. But I just can't seem to let go. 
 
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