Marriage

 
Have you found your soul mate and started a life together? What has been the easiest and hardest part of being married? How do you maintain the sizzle in your relationship? What are your tricks for succeeding in managing a marriage and family? Share your stories and advice for others.
Comments
Replied By: spiritual7365 on May 28, 2016, 4:01PM - In reply to alick41
Hi Alick41,    I agree on the points you wrote about what is a good marriage. My husband and I are celebrating our 51st. in July. It takes communication and working out the issues. We have always tried to (after the initial disagreement) to then sit down and talk through the issue, and compromise. In this way that particular dispute is settled and it doesn't keep coming in later discussions.

I think that Dr. Phil was trying to help this couple who have so far displayed immaturity about their responsiblities. By having pre-marital counseling they will discuss the matters that will be needed in the future. They admitted that they do not really know enough about each other and now they have a child. I don't think of this counseling as having rules, but instead showing them in advance what they will need in order  to cope with differences and how to resolve those issues in a mature way instead of acting out as they have been doing.

I do agree  (congratulations on your long marriage), about the deeper traits needed to succeed. I wish more young people would take the time to know each other before jumping in too soon. We were fortunate and maybe in a more mature place when we committed ourselves to our marriages. Blessing Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: alick41 on May 28, 2016, 8:58AM
Dear Dr Phil I was disappointed to hear you recommend on your show that a couple take professional advice to set up rules for a marriage, beforehand. Rules set obligations that sometimes cannot be met and check boxes that may lead to confrontation. If we had had rules and check boxes our marriage of 54 years would have ended 50 years ago. The requirements of a good marriage are quite simple. A double bed and a single bank account
Mutual Faithfulness
Mutual Respect
Mutual Tolerance
Forgiveness
Repentance (say you are sorry)
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on May 21, 2016, 10:28AM - In reply to doddridge
Hi Doddridge,    I can see how frustrating it is for you to be constantly on guard with the man you love. It will become more difficult as time passes. It is really hard for you I'm sure when you can not relax and enjoy being with him but instead you feel what lies is he saying now? You will continue in this vortex that spins around you if there isn't a resolution soon. My heart goes out to you. That is not what you agreed to when you said your vows.

I think the only way there is going to be a change is when you give him a consequence for his  deceptiveness. First, you need to have him sit down and you need to tell him that you both have to have a discussion. Start by telling him what you expected in this marriage.( Truth and Honesty-Trust). Tell him that he is eroding these traits and in response you are becoming suspicious on a day to day basis. It is weighing on you and you are tired of always having to question if he is being honest. Now say it is his turn so he gets his minutes to deny or defend his behavior. Next, have a consequence in mind of what will happen if you discover one more lie or if it's constant then a time period for how long you will continue. Stick to your guns on this point. Tell him that he is taking away "your respect " for him and you don't want to feel like that anymore. An offer of talking to a counselor would be perhaps something he might agree to. Not marriage counseling per say, but for him to talk about why he has to lie so much. It is an illness in itself and has been established as "Pathological Lying." You could go with him the first time so he feels supported and ensured that you want to help him with this.

Marriage is about mutual respect and being honest to each other in all matters. When you are put in the position of non-trust it takes away a part of your own self-respect for your self and that is Not O.K.

I have been married for 50 yrs. and this never an issue for me or my husband. We had the normal struggles, of course, (money/children) but we made it because we kept the communication opened and we knew that respect was a very important aspect to uphoold. You see that all your husband's lies are wearing away the respect needed to be a compatible union/team. I hope this helps. He is not trying to change though he promises and he does it cause he can and you by not declaring yourself of what you want in this marriage helps him keep up the deception. Try for more you deserve it. Spiritual7365 If you would like to communicate further feel free.
 
Replied By: sjmccartney2 on Mar 8, 2016, 6:23PM - In reply to doddridge
I understand exactly how you feel. I have been with my husband for 3 years now. From the very beginning it was an uphill battle. One minute he wanted to be with me and the next he didn't. I have a son from a previous relationship and he has a daughter from a previous relationship. From Day 1 he has treated my son differently, as if he is jealous of the relationship my son and I had. After 2 years of my son having no one to call dad he finally started calling my husband dad, and we had a daughter who is now almost 10 months. I just found out 3 months ago that he has lied about everything he has ever told me. I did know that I was his 3rd marriage, he told me his 1st marriage was to get back at his daughters mother, and his 2nd he said she cheated on him, wouldn't work, and drank all the time. The relationship with his daughters mother he said she was a drug abuser and refused to work. Well come to find out he has admitted to ruining all the relationships. He was a drug user (which I knew and he no longer is) and he was the cheater, he couldn't keep a job and lied to me about going to college. When I was pregnant he talked me into becoming a stay at home mom, so I am currently a stay at home mom. He has become verbally abusive, he calls me a fat bitch, fat c*n*, tells me I need to go run on the treadmill, makes comments about the size of my clothing and comments about not being in shape. After having my daughter I went into a downward spiral into depression, he blamed my depression on me. Not the fact he didn't help me. He took 3 weeks off of work to "help" and was never around, he even went as far as bringing his daughter down from PA just a couple days after we were discharged from hospital. He left me alone with a new baby to make a drive to get his 12 year old daughter and then when they were back he left me alone with a new baby with severe reflux a 6 year and a 12 year who fought the entire time. I will admit the first depression medication they gave to me I gained 50 lbs. Since they have changed my medication I have lost 20 lbs and I'm still trying to lose. Between the lying and hurtful words I have become extremely defensive anytime we have a conversation because I feel like I know where it is going. We fight about everything...even something as small as what we will have for dinner. If I cook he doesn't eat it because he might have had too much sugar (fears becoming a diabetic and there is no history of diabetes in his family) or having too much protein (fears dying from too much protein)....yes I know he has MAJOR issues. I eventually stopped cooking for him and just providing for myself and the kids then he started to put me down about not cooking. He also complains about the house says its never clean. I pickup the house every night, but he leaves his stuff laying everywhere, dirty clothes on the kitchen table, he throws garbage on the floor for me to pick up, he will even spit food on the floor that was stuck in his teeth. We tried counseling went to 3 sessions and he quit because the counselor told him he was being verbally and emotionally abusive. He has started to not wear his wedding ring when he goes places, he will tell me he is going to the store that is 5 minutes from our house and will be gone 2-3 hours, he has a lock on his phone and computer and won't let me near either, and on many occasions he has come home and gone stratight to the shower...i know what you are thinking...he is cheating...problem is he is good, he is very good...i cant catch him. Today was the final straw when he left the house for more than 2 hours and didnt have his wedding ring on. I handed him divorce papers, problem is I love him, even after all of this, I have hope and I shouldn't. I should realize that it is a lost cause and that I need to move on and put my kids first. But I just can't seem to let go. 
 
Replied By: petcaredays on Feb 27, 2016, 3:04PM - In reply to gloriamargaret
Thanks for the vote of confidence.  I DO feel smothered.  It just doesn't feel normal.
 
Replied By: doddridge on Feb 3, 2016, 2:31PM
I've been married for 6 years, after a 9 month long-distance,  whirlwind romance.  It is the second marriage for each of us.  From the very beginning, my husband has lied to me.   About so many things.   White lies, straight-out in-my-face lies, lies by omission, relationships, finances, past life experiences, expectations, porn use, etc.  We agreed that the cornerstone of our relationship would be truth and respect.  Those were just words to him.    I have lived our marriage with those values.  Except now I am sluething all of the time because I just can't trust him.  I feel bad for spying on him.    He has never once confessed to anything.  Every dishonesty has been discovered by me.  He keeps promising to change.   I just don't believe him anymore.  His actions have left me feeling worthless and ugly.  I am fairly certain he's not had a physical affair - although he did stay out all night when we were on a romantic get-away in another city, and has no recollection of the time he was out.  He does "know" he didn't do anything immoral, because of his "moral fiber."

How do I know if this is the time he is being honest about changing?
 
Replied By: gloriamargaret on Jan 27, 2016, 6:45PM - In reply to petcaredays
I feel so sad for you.  When I first married Mike he seemed to be the same way  until I took a stand and let him know I was here as his wife but I needed girlfriends.   He, over time realized this was a way to keep our relationship healthy.   I am praying you get the time to have those moments with girlfriends or just alone times.  I was single for twelve years before marrying Mike and he could not understand how I valued my alone time or friend time until he felt safe in our relationship.  He now goes out on Thursdays and Sundays shooting at the skeet range with his friends.  He always asks me to accompany him and sometimes I do and sometimes I just need time for me.  But without a doubt...you need time for you. This is ok.  I hope and pray things get better.  LOL....I would have felt smothered by now!
 
Replied By: gloriamargaret on Jan 27, 2016, 6:35PM
Please...Can anyone give me advice?  I am married to a man who is so fearful he will lose the love of his adult  children that he has thrown me under the bus several times to keep his grown children from disowning him.  Mike and I dated twelve years before marrying so without a doubt I should know his weakness but for goodness sakes how is it possible that  his children still have so much power over him?  I love these kids but they hate me because he has really thrown me under the bus on several occasions.  Two of his three children have disowned their mother and he is scared they will do the same to him if he does not comply with their request which are to never discuss me.  It is like my husband has two lives.  The one with the children and the one with me.   This hurts so much but our life is great until I see something like tonight....I went to look for batteries and found this years Christmas Card addressed to him only as if I never existed yet we both merge our money together to give his and my grown children Money for Christmas.  My children love Mike...they do not agree with his thinking but they know he is a decent man who loves their mom.  How on earth do I continue to deal with this without hurting or is this going to be part of our life until we die?   I guess I just need coping skills.  Mike is a smart man and a retired Lt. Col from the Marine Corp and without a doubt the daughter has let me know verbally that his father married beneath him...Trailer park trash...Lol  my ex was a Special Forces E8 when he retired.  Both men should be proud of their carreers and I am proud of them both.  I just need some guidance????
 
Replied By: petcaredays on Jan 17, 2016, 4:59PM
Anyone out there married to someone who believes only you can be their friend?  My husband firmly believes that he doesn't need friends, never has.  We are retired now and spending 24/7 together, not socializing unless it's necessary.  If I want to visit with a girlfriend for a day he wants to come with me, drop me off and pick me up when I'm finished.  We live in the country and it's a long drive for visiting my city friends, or my daughter.  He is a type 'A' personality and feels that this kind of relationship is quite normal and I should feel the same way.  There is so much more to the story.  When we got together (both previously married) I thought his attention was great because my first husband was an alcoholic and never valued our time together.  When we worked I had a chance for a breather but now there is no escaping, not because I can't but because he makes me feel so guilty and insinuates some bizarre reason.  I wanted to speak with someone but can't because there is no hiding an appointment.  I'm beginning to think I'm losing it.  Comments anyone???
 
Replied By: tammiegrooms on Dec 23, 2015, 10:54PM
I've been married 33years . My marriage is unstable to the piont it's affecting me physically ,my weight has went from 99 pds to the 70's .I'm sending a link of a conversation He and I had . Every conversation we have goes this way .Adult children always in the conversations and become violent at times towards me (broke ribs black eyes ect .can't defend myself I'm one handed from a accident ) .My husband finds ways to always bring our adult kids in on it . example is how husband turned a heartfelt convo into a book that belonged to my son . ( son on video giving input and drying firing a gun ) . My question Just from the video alone .Is my marriage salvable or just call it quits .? It's literally and Physically killing me .(video link below )
https://youtu.be/4KZ4-vZ0tE0

Tammie
 
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