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Marriage

 
Have you found your soul mate and started a life together? What has been the easiest and hardest part of being married? How do you maintain the sizzle in your relationship? What are your tricks for succeeding in managing a marriage and family? Share your stories and advice for others.
Comments
Replied By: jazi_827 on Sep 18, 2014, 11:38AM
I would say that me and my husband love each other so much. We have a son together who is 7yrs.old. Problem arises when i get pregnant and my husband is 39yrs.old who is so scared to tell his Mom that i was pregnant. i loved him so much but he is showing signs that his Mother is his priority, to the extend that he ask me if his Mom can live with us, so i said yes hoping she will learn to accept and know me better. Within that 5 yrs. living together she started to criticize me, attacking my character to the extend that she became not only verbally abusive but phYsical. I can't no longer bear the pain and my self esteem is already gone i spoke to my husband if we could get our own place because its impossible to be with his Mother. He said ok in the beginning but after finding a place and the time comes to move heturn his back on me, leaving me no choice but to go with my plan alone. He say he love me so much but we can't be together for now. What do i do, i love him but he don't want to work things out with me. Should move on and how? It is so hard, and im so helpless.
 
Replied By: startingnew on Sep 16, 2014, 11:31AM
MY HUSBAND AND I ARE SOULMATES. WE FERE FIRST LOVES SINCE THE AGE OF 15. WE REUNITED AND GOT MARRIED 2 YEARS AGO AFTER 13 YEARS APART. ITS BEEN A REAL STRUGGLE FOR US. WE BOTH HAVE SOME MENTAL ILLNESS PROBLEMS GOING ON AND WE BOTH HAVE BEEN THROUGH SOME TRAMAS WITHIN THOSE 13 YRS.

MY HUSBAND HAS NOT BEEN DIAGNOIS WITH ANY MENTAL HEALTH PROBLEMS AT THIS POINT BUT I CAN CLEARLY SEE THEM. THINGS LIKE POST TRAMATIC DISORDER,ANIC ATTACKS, ILLSIONS, NIGHTMARES, RAGE. HE ALSO SELF MEDICATES WITH ALCOHOL AND HE BECIMES A MONSTER. ABUSIVE, NEEDY, CONTROLLING AND CONFINTATIONAL. HE IS CURRENTLY INCARCERATED FOR DOMESTIC ASSULT FOR THE NEXT 11 MOTHS AND OUR FAMILY IS SEEKING HELP BUT IM AFRAID IF HE DOESNT GET THE HELP HE NEEDS WITH HIS MENTAL STATE IT WONT HELP TO FIX THE ALCOHOL ADDICTION WHICH HES BEEN USING TO COPE FOR YEARS. WE HAVE 5 CHILDREN(12-21), 4 THAT LIVE WITH US AND ALL ARE AFFECTED BY THE ABUSE, DRINKING, INCARCERATION, AND SEPERATION. I MYSELF HAVE COME TO MY BREAKING POINT.EVEN THOUGH I KNOW HE IS SICK I CANT KEEP GOING WITHOUT EVERYTHING I NEED TO CARRY THIS FAMIILY ON MY BACK BY MYSELF. I AM A WORKING MOM WHO IS STILL TRYING TO FINISH MY COLLEGE DEGREE IN NURSING. I RECENTLY JUST WENT BACK TO WORK AFTER MANY YEARS OF BACK INJURIES THAT RESULTED IN SURGERIES. IM FEELING LONELY, ABUSED, ANGRY, HURT, AND FULL OF PAIN. I SONT GET HAVE NOTHING OR NO ONE TO HELP OR SUPPORT ME THROUGH THIS. I RESENT HIM FOR NOT BEING THERE BUT IM PROUD OF HIM FOR FINALLY ADMITTING AND WILLING TO SEEK PROFESSIONAL HELP. BECAUSE WE BEEN DOWN THIS ROAD BEFORE IM VERYCAUTOUS ON WHAT I BELIIEVE COMING FROM HIM. I RATHER SEE ACTIONS OUT HERE IN THE WORLD AND NOY BEHIND BARS WHERE THEY ARE PROBABLY FORCED TO CONFRONT CERTAIN ISSUSES. I DIDNT GET MARRIED WITH THE THOUGHT OF DIVORCE IN MY VOCABULARY AND I NEVER BELIEVED IN THE WORD. I AM SEEKING EVERY AVAILABE OPTION TO GET US HELP. THIS IS JUST THE TIP OF THIS ICE BERG. I AM IN THE BEGINNING PROCESS OF DR. PHILLS RELATIONSHIP RESCUE AND I AM "GETTING REAL" WITH MYSELF BUT I REALLY FEEL IM OVER MY HEAD AND NEED MORE HELP THAN COUSELING, THERAPY AND DR. PHIL CAN OFFER IN HIS BOOK. IM THINKING ON THE LINES OF A FACILITY THAT WILL HELP US EMOTIONALLY AND MENTALLY BECAUSE WE BOTH ARE TICKING TIME BOMBS WHO REFUSE TO LIVE WITHOUT EACH OTHER, TIL DEATH DO US PART. WHAT SHOULD I DO I WANT TO ,LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER.
 
Replied By: startingnew on Sep 16, 2014, 10:46AM - In reply to habenerosauce
to hear this is an eye opener for me. i am that way also and listening to you i heard my husband speaking. i just want to clarify where this comes from because its really a learned trait and it comes from child hood. as a women, we often has to take on multiple role throughout our life. when we get married those roles is suppose to adjust into a mother and wife but when you have to be the boss, provider, cleaner and house keeper before and/or after marriage you pick up specific traits to handle it. Im not saying it necessarily was caused by you but it was caused at some point in her life. We as women have to learn to relax it dont come easy. how could we loosen up the grip and still be able to maintain order. because i am willing to give my husband piece of mind i will work on relaxing and letting go of somethings but it would be nice if he would just pick them up when i let go that way it will become more easier for me and i can relax in the process. it is a trait very well liked but also disliked when its not working for both partners
 
Replied By: ddoughnut on Sep 14, 2014, 6:23AM
My husband and i have been through a ruff 7 years of marriage and if i was to go through it all, this would be a sa. I feel like i don't lov ehim anymore ? Help me please !!
 
Replied By: jessicagriffin on Sep 13, 2014, 11:45AM
Well this is my story I am a 25 year old wife, married to my High School Sweetheart. We have 2 beautiful kids whom I love very dearly. My husbands mother and I can not get along at all it has become very stressful to me to even be married right now. The very first time his mother and really had a conflict was when we were about to get married the weeks before I was married to her son she HATED me why because her son drove trucks over the road so he was gone all the time and he wanted to quit his job to be at home with his son. Instead of being gone all the time the problem was I supported him quitting the job so I was the worst wife on earth because no woman would support her husband quitting his job. I mentioned we have two beautiful kids well before we got married he had a baby this will be his son we are raising together not to mention the same girl he had gotten pregnant for this second time had a daughter for him also both are now decease. The daughter was 1 years old when she passed and the mother died after giving birth to the second child who I have been raising since after birth. I added that information in because it will come eventually that the little boy is not mines by birth but we have a daughter together she is just 10 months younger than her brother. Well his mother recently found out her son is gay which some of the family knew already. I had a close conversation with a lady whom I looked at as a mother figure and told her what I knew of my husbands brother she felt she needed to dispose of the information to my husbands mother why did she do that OMG we have been going back and forward with text messages I had to block her from my phone from even texting me. It's to the point she text me she will meet where ever I want to meet her to so we can fight. She sending messages saying I told people how I hate my step sons mom. I am like its no secret we did not get along but I do not hate her she is dead. THIS IS GOING ON BECAUSE HER SON IS GAY they had a big fuss he told his mother he hates her and he been hating her some how him saying this has become my fault. I think more or less it because I accept him for who he is and I am not passing judgement on his life. My husband mom swears to GOD she knows everything when clearly no one does. I am tired of this Dr. Phil if my husband can't man up to his mom he won't have a family and more. He can go be with his mom like she want to run his life he has with his family. If I don't like her how will I love his son is what she told my husband I am like I do not have to like you but this baby her I love him very much and would do any and everything for him. My heart is very pure when it comes to both of my kids.  I can not keep living like this I am at my peak this can not be the life God has planned for me to deal with his mother my own household do not have all this drama and I rather keep it that way but with her in his business drama is bound to start.  PLEASE HELP ME DR. PHIL my anniversary is coming up I hope to see it before its too late.
 
Replied By: confusedwife13 on Sep 3, 2014, 4:36PM
My husband is a wonderful man and fantastic father. He has provided for us so that I could stay at home with our children for almost 14 yrs. Yes he has his faults as do I, but he becomes a totally different person when under stress. his biggest triggers are when I am sick, I do have several health issues, and the biggest is any communication or even mentioning of his mother. He won't talk to me about why he has these issues and he won't deal with them either. He gets so stressed when it comes to his mother that he takes it out on me, becoming angry and saying things that just aren't true. The last time tat she called I told him that he needed to stop avoiding her and face what was going on between them bc it affected us. That backfired bc the next time that we had a conversation together I asked him why he suddenly seemed less interested in sex and he said it was bc he was scared I was going to give him cancer from the HPV virus! What? It's something crazy every time! When she came by for his birthday he hid in the bedroom and made me and my children lie that he was gone! She stayed forever waiting for him to come home!  It was insane! I just don't understand. I lost my mom 2 1/2 yrs ago to cancer and I miss her so badly every day and I just can't imagine feeling this way about your mother. I wish my mom was still around to drop in. She was my best friend. My husband's relationship with his father is almost nothing. They see each other maybe three or four times a yr. During those visits they barely speak to each other. I just can't figure out after all these yrs how to get him to either open up to me about what happened or get over it so that it doesn't affect out marriage and affect him so badly. He drinks rather regularly and I think that that stems from some of whatever happened to him too. I worry so much about him and I love him dearly but I'm just not sure how much more I can stand.
 
Replied By: habenerosauce on Aug 23, 2014, 10:36PM - In reply to habenerosauce



She told me directly that there is much less stress when I am not around.  I had just been on a business conference for 5 days. This is during me trying my very best to give her whatever she wants. This is while I am at the top of my game, and had been intentionally monitoring myself all day to make sure she got the best part of me. The only near incident was when she asked for my opinion on something, and told her I was withholding it, but she pressed and when I gave it to her, she basically told me that I have no say (which I already knew from previous conversations). I have been doing great all day. It is especially biting because the one nice thing that she said to me all day (on our Anniversary), “you did a good job, thanks for getting the Bed with me” (I had gotten a bed for our toddler, which is what she wanted), was taken back as soon as we got home, “I wish I had never said you did a good job with the bed.”  At that time, I was confused as to why I was being treated so harshly, and in fact had been continuously, mentally reviewed my actions and found them completely satisfactory. However, I let the Comment slide and decided to give her some space. But when she told me that she is less stressed when I’m not around, and that I needed to go back on vacation (which I was not on vacation, I was working, and it was actually hard work), she may has well have told me I should not exist, or that I should not be in the relationship it should just be her and our daughter living alone without me. I have emotions, too, and I got extremely shaky and heated. My control mechanism kicked in which caused me to breathe deeply and try to calm down. At this time I was driving, and should have just pulled over immediately, or maybe I should have let the comment slide again, as I always do (I call this letting her chip away at me, when I let her make derogatory comments at me and just try to brush it off. Eventually, like this one, My respect for myself says “Why are you just taking it and getting beat up and demeaned , Demeaned, you know it is not true. You know you are doing your best, and that your best is better than anyone else’s best, which means you are providing the best husband/father available to any human being anywhere. Therefore this person who is providing you feedback is absolutely wrong. . . The injustice makes me burn VERY VERY HOT!!!!). But I kept cool and I thought to myself, “She may have a perfectly valid reason for saying this. . . then I think, what is the correct response to this – a)your right I am horrible! B) your not right, Im not horrible! --- Well there is only one way to figure out which response is appropriate, and that is to find out if I am really horrible. If I am really horrible, I should stop doing whatever it does which makes me horrible. If I am not, then the person accusing me thus is the horrible one. I already utilized all the knowledge that was already in my brain to figure out that I wasn’t horrible, so what additional information could there be? There is literally no other way for me to obtain this information than by asking, So I ask “Why would you say that to me? What am I doing wrong.” I say this extremely calm and level, I ensure that I am totally cool and listening to the sound of my own voice. I look back at the road and make sure everything is good. So I get no response and ask again, “Why am I so horrible? What am I doing to cause you stress?” What I mean but don’t say, and should have, is that how can I cause you stress when every single action I have taken today has been to help you? But I did not say this because I was in information gathering mode, and not defense mode. She actually answered me that she was not going to tell me. RED ALERT!!!! Wait, So I spend all day trying to be the best, allow you to chip away at me, back off when you tell me I have no say in how my kid gets raised because all the decisions are yours alone, let you say nothing good to me, and when you finally do allow you to take it back without recourse, and then you insult me directly and all I ask is why. . . and you wont tell me????? You blame me for all your problems and wont even tell me how I am causing them? How can I fix it if you wont tell me????????? RED ALERT, I can barely focus on driving. At this point I have all the information I need. It does not matter if I was wrong or right. Either way I should be told what specific grievance is levied against me. The right to face my accuser is in the bill of rights! This is a basic human right per the constitution. You can call me a murderer. Who did I murder? I would ask. Well imagine refusing to answer. What did I steal? What crime did I commit?  If you cannot grant me that you have broken my very human rights. If you had a valid complaint against me you should put it forth and let it stand a fair trial. That means that you may be wrong, or that I may be wrong, but in the end we will both know, and either you or I will have to make a correction. Maybe both, if it was a misunderstanding. But you decided to hold it close, to slander me and when confronted to snake back and hide you accusation in the dark.  This is the opposite of being open. I tell her “baby you are picking a fight. You can’t say something mean about me and then refuse to tell me why.” She tells me that I should have just apologized, since it would have been easy, and  “Why can’t you ever just apologize?” I ask what am I apologizing for, what did I do wrong?” again, “ I don’t want to talk about it I don’t want to talk about it.” And her pitch is getting frantic. So I pull over, off the highway, She asks me if I am lost or punishing her along the way to which I do not respond because I CAN NOT drive, answer her questions, and keep cool all at the same time. When I finally do pull over I make sure I am calm and collected, face her, and tell her why I am angry, but she is hysterical, crying, and She tells me she wants to go home, take her home. I tell her I think she should calm down, and why cant she talk to me like a person instead of everything being so crazy and critical, She started the whole thing “From my point of view you picked a fight while I was driving, and then went fishing for an apology. Why can’t you just talk to me?” why can’t she just have a conversation with me, I double check to make sure my tone is conversational and that I am not yelling and I realize that I, at this point, have taken the bate and sounded hostile. She tells me “Take me home, drive or let me drive” I think to myself, I cannot let her drive, she is hysterical. That is not safe. I say, “no you cannot drive, you are too excited, it is not safe” ok good, my voice is back to normal, even concerned. She is sobbing and crying and yelling at me for making her sob and cry in front of her daughter. Then she tries to leave the car, but my hand goes over the safety belt to hold it in place because she cannot get out of the car, this is a strange place, I look around. The neighborhood looks poor. There is graffiti and trash on the street. She is yelling that I have her trapped in a car. We have been married for seven years. If the police came by that would instantaneously arrest me for domestic abuse, although I’ve done nothing (and never have). Yet, I cannot let her leave the car, what could happen, that is a bad idea to leave her here in that state. She is my wife. Then me, I am all spun up and pulled over to get us to hash it out and calm down so that I could drive, now everything is worse, I start telling her that I will but can she keep her safety belt buckled and not talk about anything til we got home but promise to talk to me later, but she is completely breaking down in front of me hysterical, So I just start driving figuring that that is the safest option and get us home, since that’s what she wanted anyway, and I try to be calm and safe and focus on the road the whole time but now she is so mad at me. It is our anniversary She hates me.


 


She came downstairs to get a drink and she was just so upset and said I have no emotions. And she cried all over the place but said she doesn’t want to talk to me. And that she needs a break and can’t deal with it and that everything she was afraid that would happen has happened. I asked her “Are you ready to make up, or do you want to stay mad?” and she said a lot of hurtful things to me like I have no emotions. I told her I did but she said she doesn’t want to talk about it she needs a break and she needed a break in the car and me not giving her the break caused her to be this upset and cry infront of our daughter.


 

So how do I handle this? I just got back from my business trip and got into this HUGE fight and my main goal was to make her happy so I was trying to do everything right.


 

Option one: Be benevolent. Try to press forward and completely give up any hope of achieving closure over the pain that has been recently brought on me. Forgive and move forward. All I want to do is forgive anyway. I just want my wife back, and I want to share the joy of life with her.


            The upside: This will avert the current crisis, potentially. In experience, it will not completely solve anything, despite the mental effort it takes to swallow any pride I have left. It may bring about a numbness of the pain, but she will continue to feel however it is that she feels. Over time, As long as no other flareups occur the pain of this particular incident will fade.


            The downside: Even if I shoulder the burden of forgiveness and keep going, some of the flarups do not fade completely and leave scars. These Scars build up and leave a landscape of distrust. The only way they can be completely healed is  if both sides completely forgive. Also, with experience, this solves nothing because the underlying root of the whole incident is that there was no possible “communication” or “openness” about an issue she and I disagreed about. IF we have no skills at solving problems when they arise between us, which is the case, then eventually we are only setting ourselves up for another argument and one day the scars will be too many to overcome. Needless to say, this will require an apology from me (which she has made very clear) which is especially difficult considering I do not feel sorry for any of my actions. . . which is why I asked for clarity to begin with, which is what caused the whole fiasco.


 

Option two: Take a hard approach. Demand clarity. Continue to force confrontation on this issue  until we discover a way to communicate and solve problems. Meticulously show her why I think that I am right and why I think that she is wrong and allow her to do the same. This requires that I keep a level head, and that I insist that she does as well.


            The upside: This is the only way I see to find a long-term lasting solution, If we don’t both end up dead in the process.

The downside: This is what caused the argument. Asking for understanding is what made her breakdown. This will be extremely difficult, and one of us may actually explode in the process, literally. Also, If we go down this path, and do not complete the path, then we leave worse scars than we would in option one, and it only serves to make things worse. Experientially, Trying this option only causes a hotter and more intense conflict until she is crying and rocking and I have to leave the house for a long period of time (have to stay away from alcohol) and feel really really HOT!!!!)


 

Things I like about her: She can be trusted. She is totally honest and does not lie. She has values and she values trust and honesty and charity. She is a good person. Really good, and totally righteous. She has morals and is very firm in her belief in them.  She cares about things, and when she does she is very intense. She is definitely one of the most intense people I have ever met. This intensity goes hand in hand with her dedication. When she was in school you should see her study. When she used to love me, there was no escaping the immense gravity of her orbit. As a Mother she is so amazingly attentive. She goes full steam all the time. She pushes herself so hard, its like an Olympic athlete. She calls me “strong willed”, by which she means stubborn but its like her will was forged out of iron, sharp iron. Consequently she is extremely beautiful whenever she smiles. She is not only smart, but values knowledge as well which leads her to be studious. She is often more curious about me and her tenacity for looking something up and asking questions to get to the root of something always entertains me. In fact, we have spent lots of time just “discovering” together.  When I married her I realized I wanted my children to take after like this. I wanted my children to be smart, driven, and morally righteous people. If I could choose one person to teach my children right from wrong it would be my wife. She may not always know, but she will look into it, and make sure you never get away with straying from it.


 

Things I do not like about her: She complains A LOT! She seems to always be complaining. I realize this is because she often has low energy from always firing on all four cylinders. . . Also, she does not know how to relax or to forgive, which is really the same fault.  I don’t think she can ever let go of something, she clutches to it. I don’t think she has ever been able to let go of her viewpoint and see someone else’s, entirely. Then again, I am the same way with emotions, I have never been able to be empathetic to how another person feels unless I understand why they feel that way. She may have to feel how I feel to understand why I do things, and since she doesn’t feel how I do, she doesn’t understand how I do. Maybe that doesn’t make any sense. But no relaxing or forgiving, nothing slides, ever, especially not her in her vigilance (this could be a good thing too, its really hard to say this is something I don’t like about her. Lets just say I don’t like this about her when it causes an argument between us. If shes just doing it and I can admire, its ok. Just don’t point it at me, you know?). Also, she charges so hard she gets herself sick, and it makes her be not as effective. She is so focused on whatever her mission is at the moment she lets basic things slide, gets tired and worn out and worse and worse at doing whatever you are supposed to be doing. Its like pulling all-nighters until you cant even read or partying so hard you can’t dance anymore. Sometimes I think that she is being lazy but I have come to realize its just that she has winded herself, shes blown out by always pushing pushing pushing. Unfortunately I try to keep up and Im blown out too.
 
Replied By: habenerosauce on Aug 23, 2014, 10:28PM
Why I am mad, followed by how I should handle it,


followed by why I love her and why its hard to love her.



Advice please. View replies to see the post.
 
Replied By: spiros206 on Jul 30, 2014, 10:41AM
Trust, faithfulness & honesty. No-one should believe that kids will mend a bad marriage either!!
 
Replied By: luvmydogs4ever on Jul 29, 2014, 6:34PM
My hubby and I were highschool sweethearts .. We married, raised a family (son & daughter), own a business, work hard, adore our grandchildren and are seemingly as happy as if we were in our right minds.  Life wasn't always easy (not that it is now). We had our fair share of ups and downs .. tears and laughter . I am often asked ... " What is the secret to longevity in love' .. and you know, I can't pin point one specifc 'thing' that was the glue that kept our family from falling apart like so many around us,  it is never ONE thing .. it is many things.  Compatability, communication, patience, tolerance and copious amounts of laughter .. are the highest on the 'list'.
 
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