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Marriage

 
Have you found your soul mate and started a life together? What has been the easiest and hardest part of being married? How do you maintain the sizzle in your relationship? What are your tricks for succeeding in managing a marriage and family? Share your stories and advice for others.
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Replied By: habenerosauce on Aug 23, 2014, 10:36PM - In reply to habenerosauce



She told me directly that there is much less stress when I am not around.  I had just been on a business conference for 5 days. This is during me trying my very best to give her whatever she wants. This is while I am at the top of my game, and had been intentionally monitoring myself all day to make sure she got the best part of me. The only near incident was when she asked for my opinion on something, and told her I was withholding it, but she pressed and when I gave it to her, she basically told me that I have no say (which I already knew from previous conversations). I have been doing great all day. It is especially biting because the one nice thing that she said to me all day (on our Anniversary), “you did a good job, thanks for getting the Bed with me” (I had gotten a bed for our toddler, which is what she wanted), was taken back as soon as we got home, “I wish I had never said you did a good job with the bed.”  At that time, I was confused as to why I was being treated so harshly, and in fact had been continuously, mentally reviewed my actions and found them completely satisfactory. However, I let the Comment slide and decided to give her some space. But when she told me that she is less stressed when I’m not around, and that I needed to go back on vacation (which I was not on vacation, I was working, and it was actually hard work), she may has well have told me I should not exist, or that I should not be in the relationship it should just be her and our daughter living alone without me. I have emotions, too, and I got extremely shaky and heated. My control mechanism kicked in which caused me to breathe deeply and try to calm down. At this time I was driving, and should have just pulled over immediately, or maybe I should have let the comment slide again, as I always do (I call this letting her chip away at me, when I let her make derogatory comments at me and just try to brush it off. Eventually, like this one, My respect for myself says “Why are you just taking it and getting beat up and demeaned , Demeaned, you know it is not true. You know you are doing your best, and that your best is better than anyone else’s best, which means you are providing the best husband/father available to any human being anywhere. Therefore this person who is providing you feedback is absolutely wrong. . . The injustice makes me burn VERY VERY HOT!!!!). But I kept cool and I thought to myself, “She may have a perfectly valid reason for saying this. . . then I think, what is the correct response to this – a)your right I am horrible! B) your not right, Im not horrible! --- Well there is only one way to figure out which response is appropriate, and that is to find out if I am really horrible. If I am really horrible, I should stop doing whatever it does which makes me horrible. If I am not, then the person accusing me thus is the horrible one. I already utilized all the knowledge that was already in my brain to figure out that I wasn’t horrible, so what additional information could there be? There is literally no other way for me to obtain this information than by asking, So I ask “Why would you say that to me? What am I doing wrong.” I say this extremely calm and level, I ensure that I am totally cool and listening to the sound of my own voice. I look back at the road and make sure everything is good. So I get no response and ask again, “Why am I so horrible? What am I doing to cause you stress?” What I mean but don’t say, and should have, is that how can I cause you stress when every single action I have taken today has been to help you? But I did not say this because I was in information gathering mode, and not defense mode. She actually answered me that she was not going to tell me. RED ALERT!!!! Wait, So I spend all day trying to be the best, allow you to chip away at me, back off when you tell me I have no say in how my kid gets raised because all the decisions are yours alone, let you say nothing good to me, and when you finally do allow you to take it back without recourse, and then you insult me directly and all I ask is why. . . and you wont tell me????? You blame me for all your problems and wont even tell me how I am causing them? How can I fix it if you wont tell me????????? RED ALERT, I can barely focus on driving. At this point I have all the information I need. It does not matter if I was wrong or right. Either way I should be told what specific grievance is levied against me. The right to face my accuser is in the bill of rights! This is a basic human right per the constitution. You can call me a murderer. Who did I murder? I would ask. Well imagine refusing to answer. What did I steal? What crime did I commit?  If you cannot grant me that you have broken my very human rights. If you had a valid complaint against me you should put it forth and let it stand a fair trial. That means that you may be wrong, or that I may be wrong, but in the end we will both know, and either you or I will have to make a correction. Maybe both, if it was a misunderstanding. But you decided to hold it close, to slander me and when confronted to snake back and hide you accusation in the dark.  This is the opposite of being open. I tell her “baby you are picking a fight. You can’t say something mean about me and then refuse to tell me why.” She tells me that I should have just apologized, since it would have been easy, and  “Why can’t you ever just apologize?” I ask what am I apologizing for, what did I do wrong?” again, “ I don’t want to talk about it I don’t want to talk about it.” And her pitch is getting frantic. So I pull over, off the highway, She asks me if I am lost or punishing her along the way to which I do not respond because I CAN NOT drive, answer her questions, and keep cool all at the same time. When I finally do pull over I make sure I am calm and collected, face her, and tell her why I am angry, but she is hysterical, crying, and She tells me she wants to go home, take her home. I tell her I think she should calm down, and why cant she talk to me like a person instead of everything being so crazy and critical, She started the whole thing “From my point of view you picked a fight while I was driving, and then went fishing for an apology. Why can’t you just talk to me?” why can’t she just have a conversation with me, I double check to make sure my tone is conversational and that I am not yelling and I realize that I, at this point, have taken the bate and sounded hostile. She tells me “Take me home, drive or let me drive” I think to myself, I cannot let her drive, she is hysterical. That is not safe. I say, “no you cannot drive, you are too excited, it is not safe” ok good, my voice is back to normal, even concerned. She is sobbing and crying and yelling at me for making her sob and cry in front of her daughter. Then she tries to leave the car, but my hand goes over the safety belt to hold it in place because she cannot get out of the car, this is a strange place, I look around. The neighborhood looks poor. There is graffiti and trash on the street. She is yelling that I have her trapped in a car. We have been married for seven years. If the police came by that would instantaneously arrest me for domestic abuse, although I’ve done nothing (and never have). Yet, I cannot let her leave the car, what could happen, that is a bad idea to leave her here in that state. She is my wife. Then me, I am all spun up and pulled over to get us to hash it out and calm down so that I could drive, now everything is worse, I start telling her that I will but can she keep her safety belt buckled and not talk about anything til we got home but promise to talk to me later, but she is completely breaking down in front of me hysterical, So I just start driving figuring that that is the safest option and get us home, since that’s what she wanted anyway, and I try to be calm and safe and focus on the road the whole time but now she is so mad at me. It is our anniversary She hates me.


 


She came downstairs to get a drink and she was just so upset and said I have no emotions. And she cried all over the place but said she doesn’t want to talk to me. And that she needs a break and can’t deal with it and that everything she was afraid that would happen has happened. I asked her “Are you ready to make up, or do you want to stay mad?” and she said a lot of hurtful things to me like I have no emotions. I told her I did but she said she doesn’t want to talk about it she needs a break and she needed a break in the car and me not giving her the break caused her to be this upset and cry infront of our daughter.


 

So how do I handle this? I just got back from my business trip and got into this HUGE fight and my main goal was to make her happy so I was trying to do everything right.


 

Option one: Be benevolent. Try to press forward and completely give up any hope of achieving closure over the pain that has been recently brought on me. Forgive and move forward. All I want to do is forgive anyway. I just want my wife back, and I want to share the joy of life with her.


            The upside: This will avert the current crisis, potentially. In experience, it will not completely solve anything, despite the mental effort it takes to swallow any pride I have left. It may bring about a numbness of the pain, but she will continue to feel however it is that she feels. Over time, As long as no other flareups occur the pain of this particular incident will fade.


            The downside: Even if I shoulder the burden of forgiveness and keep going, some of the flarups do not fade completely and leave scars. These Scars build up and leave a landscape of distrust. The only way they can be completely healed is  if both sides completely forgive. Also, with experience, this solves nothing because the underlying root of the whole incident is that there was no possible “communication” or “openness” about an issue she and I disagreed about. IF we have no skills at solving problems when they arise between us, which is the case, then eventually we are only setting ourselves up for another argument and one day the scars will be too many to overcome. Needless to say, this will require an apology from me (which she has made very clear) which is especially difficult considering I do not feel sorry for any of my actions. . . which is why I asked for clarity to begin with, which is what caused the whole fiasco.


 

Option two: Take a hard approach. Demand clarity. Continue to force confrontation on this issue  until we discover a way to communicate and solve problems. Meticulously show her why I think that I am right and why I think that she is wrong and allow her to do the same. This requires that I keep a level head, and that I insist that she does as well.


            The upside: This is the only way I see to find a long-term lasting solution, If we don’t both end up dead in the process.

The downside: This is what caused the argument. Asking for understanding is what made her breakdown. This will be extremely difficult, and one of us may actually explode in the process, literally. Also, If we go down this path, and do not complete the path, then we leave worse scars than we would in option one, and it only serves to make things worse. Experientially, Trying this option only causes a hotter and more intense conflict until she is crying and rocking and I have to leave the house for a long period of time (have to stay away from alcohol) and feel really really HOT!!!!)


 

Things I like about her: She can be trusted. She is totally honest and does not lie. She has values and she values trust and honesty and charity. She is a good person. Really good, and totally righteous. She has morals and is very firm in her belief in them.  She cares about things, and when she does she is very intense. She is definitely one of the most intense people I have ever met. This intensity goes hand in hand with her dedication. When she was in school you should see her study. When she used to love me, there was no escaping the immense gravity of her orbit. As a Mother she is so amazingly attentive. She goes full steam all the time. She pushes herself so hard, its like an Olympic athlete. She calls me “strong willed”, by which she means stubborn but its like her will was forged out of iron, sharp iron. Consequently she is extremely beautiful whenever she smiles. She is not only smart, but values knowledge as well which leads her to be studious. She is often more curious about me and her tenacity for looking something up and asking questions to get to the root of something always entertains me. In fact, we have spent lots of time just “discovering” together.  When I married her I realized I wanted my children to take after like this. I wanted my children to be smart, driven, and morally righteous people. If I could choose one person to teach my children right from wrong it would be my wife. She may not always know, but she will look into it, and make sure you never get away with straying from it.


 

Things I do not like about her: She complains A LOT! She seems to always be complaining. I realize this is because she often has low energy from always firing on all four cylinders. . . Also, she does not know how to relax or to forgive, which is really the same fault.  I don’t think she can ever let go of something, she clutches to it. I don’t think she has ever been able to let go of her viewpoint and see someone else’s, entirely. Then again, I am the same way with emotions, I have never been able to be empathetic to how another person feels unless I understand why they feel that way. She may have to feel how I feel to understand why I do things, and since she doesn’t feel how I do, she doesn’t understand how I do. Maybe that doesn’t make any sense. But no relaxing or forgiving, nothing slides, ever, especially not her in her vigilance (this could be a good thing too, its really hard to say this is something I don’t like about her. Lets just say I don’t like this about her when it causes an argument between us. If shes just doing it and I can admire, its ok. Just don’t point it at me, you know?). Also, she charges so hard she gets herself sick, and it makes her be not as effective. She is so focused on whatever her mission is at the moment she lets basic things slide, gets tired and worn out and worse and worse at doing whatever you are supposed to be doing. Its like pulling all-nighters until you cant even read or partying so hard you can’t dance anymore. Sometimes I think that she is being lazy but I have come to realize its just that she has winded herself, shes blown out by always pushing pushing pushing. Unfortunately I try to keep up and Im blown out too.
 
Replied By: habenerosauce on Aug 23, 2014, 10:28PM
Why I am mad, followed by how I should handle it,


followed by why I love her and why its hard to love her.



Advice please. View replies to see the post.
 
Replied By: spiros206 on Jul 30, 2014, 10:41AM
Trust, faithfulness & honesty. No-one should believe that kids will mend a bad marriage either!!
 
Replied By: luvmydogs4ever on Jul 29, 2014, 6:34PM
My hubby and I were highschool sweethearts .. We married, raised a family (son & daughter), own a business, work hard, adore our grandchildren and are seemingly as happy as if we were in our right minds.  Life wasn't always easy (not that it is now). We had our fair share of ups and downs .. tears and laughter . I am often asked ... " What is the secret to longevity in love' .. and you know, I can't pin point one specifc 'thing' that was the glue that kept our family from falling apart like so many around us,  it is never ONE thing .. it is many things.  Compatability, communication, patience, tolerance and copious amounts of laughter .. are the highest on the 'list'.
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Jul 28, 2014, 12:01PM - In reply to tcrecelius
That sounds pretty traumatic. Im sorry this happened. No, you do not have to live in the depression with him. Depression, if broken down is just unresolved feelings, emotions, and unforivness, these are all things that must be dealt with by him and not you. When people are depressed around me and are not ready to deal with the unresolved issues I start asking questions to draw them out of it. It gets them to feel more powerful about the situation and also pulls them away from the anxiety of the situation. 


Asking tiny questions a little at a time will help much to find about what is going on inside that complex mind of his. Questions like:

How are you this morning? How is your heart doing? Do you want to talk about what happened? Is there anything I can do to help? What do you need? Is there anything you would like to discuss? and so on.


The point is to ask quuestions that will uncover what is going on inside him. DO NOT PRESS TOO HARD, as this is not an interrogation. IF he does not want to talk about certain issues then move on and respect where he is at. You can ask about other things in his life that are not about that particular issue. Like:

Do you feel connected to me? Do you feel safe? Do you trust that your hearts health is my interest? and so on...

You can follow these questions up with statements that show you are honestly here to help him out of his depression but are not willing to be apart of the depression :


I love you and am hear for you when you are ready to talk about this.

It hurts me to see you so sad, just know that I am willing to work on this with you.

I want you to know that we are team and i will support you any way that I can.


and so on... The point is to let him know about the unity  that you two have and that you are willing to fight for his safety and happiness. Men are all about commradery and marriage is one of the most powerful units around. A husband and wife who are a team are a force not to be reckoned with.


I really hope this helps generate some thoughts on how to interact with him. he sounds like an introvert and a deep thinker. Deep thinker's are the best problem solvers but they forget when to stop and get some help from people who love them.


Best wishes to you.

 
Replied By: tcrecelius on Jul 22, 2014, 10:50AM
 
My husband and I have known each other since I was 15, however, we didn't get together till I was 41. My ex husband and I were married for 20 years and my current husband and ex husband have been best friends since the 2nd grade. I have been having an issue with my husband now since out honeymoon. We had rented a Harley Davidson in Maui on our honeymoon and were involved in a head on collision with a Jeep. My husband is having a really difficult time getting over this because it has totally destroyed his credit, the accident happened a little over 6 years ago. What do I do? Do I just live with his depression, I have suggested counseling but he has an excuse as to why he can't go. Anything I suggest on any subject he has an excuse, so I stop giving him advice...
 
Replied By: jcwright on Jul 22, 2014, 9:08AM - In reply to awsamasuas
For me, I did not involve my children in the decision to divorce. I believed this would be too much for them. I just dealt with the repercussions. I seemed to have a fantasy as to how the ordeal would work out, but life is not a fantasy. We survived the divorce, but my ex husband was very revengeful toward me, and did not care whether he hurt the children. He was/is narcissistic, which is a personality disorder, and could not see beyond his nose. Well, if you would like to discuss this more, just email me at fuzzywinkle@earthlink.net.
 
Replied By: awsamasuas on Jul 21, 2014, 9:32PM - In reply to awsamasuas
I am not interested in any new realationships at all right now,  I would love to have the freedom to do wht I want when I want. I have never been on my own before I am 34 yrs old and I have never lived alone I want to focus on myself and my childern and do whts right for us all
 
Replied By: awsamasuas on Jul 21, 2014, 9:26PM - In reply to jcwright
Thank you for your help. I do belive in myself and I know things will work out for the best. It is hard to start the process when things are calm between us right now. I care about him as a person but I acept that I am not in love with him anymore. I do have people in my life who support me nd encourage me, and belive in me. I will be the bigger person nd not let him drag me down anymore. My only other concern is what do I tell my childern what is age appropriate for a 10 yr old and a 4 yr old. I have tried talking to our daughter before  she's 10 but she wont open up to me. I have asked her if there was anything bothering her about me and dad or if she had any questions but she says no nothing is wrong. I know childern see and hear more than we think they do how do I make sure she is ok. Do I ask her what she wants do I tell her I want dad out of the house should she be part of the decision We are all going to be affected by my choice . I want them to have a realationship with thier dad I would never keep them from him. How do I make sure that I am being appropriate in what I tell her. Thank you again so very much
 
Replied By: jcwright on Jul 21, 2014, 2:36PM - In reply to awsamasuas
I knew that my marriage was over, so I knew that I needed an education. Education for me would allow me to raise my children in a higher income bracket. Now, after I completed my education, I started at a lower income level, but I knew that I would be making more money as time went along. I was supposed to leave after I graduated, but I just could not last that long, so I left before I finished. Yes, I was poor, but I did not seem to care.

Then I got a job, then another job. I had goals, and I made them come true. I have found that there were people in my life that really helped me. From bosses to friends. I think you could also find occuring in your life. Do you believe in yourself? There will be people that believe in you.

I found that single parenthood could be lonely, but I would not bring people or potential dates into my life unless I knew they were safe. In other words, I did not jump into another relationship. Many women make the mistake of doing this because they do not want to be alone. I would not suggest this. Make your plans carefully.

 
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