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Marriage

 
Have you found your soul mate and started a life together? What has been the easiest and hardest part of being married? How do you maintain the sizzle in your relationship? What are your tricks for succeeding in managing a marriage and family? Share your stories and advice for others.
Comments
Replied By: ladieejay on Apr 16, 2014, 8:39PM - In reply to lakeeriestorm
Leave now.  For the last 19 years I have been in what Dr Phil classifies as a sexless marriage.  I have tried everything I can think of. I'm mostly mad at myself for letting this go this far.  He's my best friend & I'm crazy in love with him but crave the intimacy we once shared.  I can't stand to live in such close proximity to a man that doesn't want me. He says he does but he sure can't prove it.
 
Replied By: gamingmom on Apr 16, 2014, 5:42PM
I sometimes say my name out loud cuz i almost forget i am a person and not just a mother. It is hard especially with 4 kids. (On my way now to ER with a sick child.) Its what we moms do.
 
Replied By: raelynmi on Apr 10, 2014, 3:54PM
Me and the love of my life have been together for  twenty five years we have two children one boy one girl. We meet when I was thirteen and we have been together ever since. We haven't got married because I am holding out for a wedding one day. My advice for others would be to not ever expect to change the other person. When you get together you can't say  oh I can make him do this or that after we get married that will never happen you have to decide if you can live with the things that drive you nuts or not. If you know the person and the things that can drive you crazy and you marry them anyway then you must be able to let it go and not nit pick forever. The only person you can change is you . I still get all giggly when he walks in the room. I hope I always will.
 
Replied By: akeeton on Apr 4, 2014, 7:38PM
I am really stuck in a rut here and need some outside opinions and help. I am married to a man that once use to be amazing, we have 2 boys together that are 11 months apart. We have been together 3 years but have only been married for one, i love this man but things are going to have to change or were not going to be together. So about a month before our wedding his side of the family started a bunch of drama with me, saying very rude things, threatining me and the whole nine yards. Through all this not once did my husband stand up for me or our kids. This was just the begenning, they apologized but soon enough started more drama. After this it just never stopped. They never made me feel welcome in the first place. i know its his family, but arent me and the boys family. My husband is very passive and calm, but still right is right and wrong is wrong. I want to feel protected and i dont feel that way. He will never stand up for me or tell his family how he feels and everything is my fault. This is the major thing that has grown us apart. On top of all that his family does not have anything to do with our children they never get them presents send cards call or anything. they do not show any interest in my husband or my kids. since this has came between us we argue about them a lot, i dont even want to have sex with him because i feel pretrayed like i cant trust him. Everything is going down hill i need help. lets just say if my husband doesnt start taking up for me soon we will be getting a divorce
 
Replied By: jim1970 on Apr 4, 2014, 3:34PM
Some of you might remember me. 

I lived in Los Angeles, and I was very angry because of the women that I had been dating.  Well, I finally did get married, but I've made a lot of mistakes in my marriage. I wound up marrying someone I had known since our school days.
 
The problem is that I keep trying not to repeat the mistakes that I make, but I do. A major part of the problem is that I had a traumatic brain injury during infancy, so my memory isn't very good. I write things down, but still find myself making the same mistakes. 
 
Another problem is that I made a horrible mistake in moving to another state. My plan was to set things up so that my wife could come and look for work in the state where I'm currently living. This has proven to be a disaster. I didn't do this because I was angry. I thought I was doing the right thing. 
 
A major part of the problem is that I admit I probably don't have all the strategies that are necessary to make a marriage work properly, as my parents have a horrible marriage. I have had to learn by hit-or-miss....and I'm missing right now.  My father and I never had that talk-we never talked.  We fought-and in every sense of the word.

Yeah, I would say that things are pretty piss-poor at the moment.
 
The true tragedy here is that my wife and I have known each other since we were kids. We lost track of each other for years, but caught up with each other. I want to save this marriage. I love her, and I regret doing that one thing (no, I wasn't unfaithful).  

Moving back isn't an option right now, as my wife is also currently out of state.
 
I realize how much I have hurt her, and I would greatly appreciate the help.
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Mar 21, 2014, 4:13PM - In reply to batmom
Im okay with people who have lots of answers because the heart is to help the best way they know how. Im not sure what or who your opening statement was directed at but it doesnt foster an enviroment of disscussion. It comes off as catty and I wonder if you are here to help, or hurt? Can you clarify?
 
Replied By: batmom on Mar 21, 2014, 6:32AM - In reply to cwhaticando
Yes, you both made a committment, when you got married, to be true to each other.  I agree that you could do all of the things that this other  person commented on, and be patient and loving toward her.  A date night might just be the thing that could get her attention.  I hope so.  But in my experience, there are many underlying things that have brought the situation to this point.  If you are a drinker, over drinker I should say, you may have said and done some things that have really stung and hurt her.  We all tend to remember those words that hurt us, and sometimes there are a lot of them.  If your wife started out having a normal and lustful hunger for sex, something has happened to destroy that, or deminish it, you need to try and look back and see if you can remember when it started, and perhaps what happened.  It is usually not one tiny small thing, but a lot of small things that  maybe you are not aware of.  Some men (and women)  can be very cruel and emotionaly abusive but they still expect to get what they want out of the marriage.  Over time, they may find that it no longer happens that way.  Ask  yourself, do you really love your wife, or are you just wanting sex to be satisfied?  There is a big difference. And you can bet she knows which one it is.  You need to do some soul searching, and decide just how important to you she is in your life.  Good luck.
 
Replied By: batmom on Mar 20, 2014, 5:19PM - In reply to lonlihubby
You may be doing your wife a favor by getting sex somewhere else.  Normally it is not a good idea, but she may have her own reasons (abusive history, health issues) that she has no desire.  You cannot make yourself want to have sex, when the desire is not there.  You can go ahead and do it, and that sounds like what she is doing, and that is a shame, for both of you.  It is a shame when two people are not matched up in this category, because for some people the need is intense.  If you have a good realtionship other wise, I would think maybe the two of you could get some help with the sexual part of your marriage.  I have been through this (I was the unresponsive female) so I know it is a big issue and hard to live with.  It is a struggle for both pardners.  I do wish you well, and hope you can find a solution.
 
Replied By: batmom on Mar 20, 2014, 5:02PM - In reply to torquay
Unlike some of us, I do not have all the answers, but I have been where you are.  You have to realize that he may have a much stronger sexual drive than you do.  I mean MUCH stronger.  Some men cannot think about anything else.  I had a husband like that, and he was obsessed with sex.  The first thing, you cannot do one thing to change him.  He is the way he is, and he is going to stay that way.  Maybe you both need to talk to someone (but I doubt he will agree to that) to get your problems out on the table.  Many many women have your same problem, my dear, so know that you are NOT alone.  It may be a sexual addiction, or just another obsession, like gambling, or smoking, or drugs, or drinking.  There are many things that can tear up a marriage, and I hope you find a way to solve yours.  Good luck.
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Mar 20, 2014, 3:29AM - In reply to torquay
Its totally worth staying in the marriage to fight for your spouse, but you must define the problems that are facing you both. Spouses look to external stimulants because  there is some need not being met in the marriage. You both need to define what that need is and a fill it for each other.


His may be more sexual contact, foreplay, fantasy etc. while your need may be quality time. Either way you both need to find ways to figure out what each other needs are and meet them. So what are your needs? What makes you feel loved? And also, what are your husbands needs? what are his ways of expierencing love. 


Everything that you found is probably shocking to you and heartbreaking, but if you can rise above and see it as a symptom of needs not being met you will find that it is more like a wound needing care.


Some people need help figuring out what each others needs are and for that, I suggest counseling, but if you can communicate calmly to one another about what you both are needing on your own....more power fo you. Look into books on communications and remember to define a healthy goal for when you do talk with each other. The goal should be of success, love, honor, and for a promotion of healthy living.

Be prepared for answers that are ugly, and know that its okay if you or him are failing with meeting each others needs, Failure is good! IT shows us what where we can improve and grow closer in vulnerabilty. Your husband should be the guy you CAN make mistakes in front of and vice versa.


Setting boundaries is another great thing that you both should look into. Setting boudaries is one of the most loving things that you can do for one another. It lets each other know that you value their limits and definitions of safety.


By setting boundaries I dont mean telling him whats wrong with him, I mean He needs to understand that his actions are hurting you  and that weight (because he loves you) should motivate him to want to understand his own needs and pursue healing with you. 


So please stick in there. Love is worth the fight...but it is an intentional choice. 


Some books I reccomend is : Keep your love one, and Loving your kids on Purpose, both by Danny Silk. These two books show the foundations of interaction. YOu may not have kids but I found that the second book can work on ALL levels of communication.  I hope this helps and empowers you. 

 
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