Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? How did you rebuild your relationship? Share your advice and get support from others.
Replied By: anon89 on Sep 29, 2016, 2:28PM
Having some issues I hope I can get some advice/help on.

The last year has been very challenging for my husband and I.  In the last year, we've had our second child, sold a business, opened a business, husband quit his 9-5 job to run the business, we've moved in with my parents and husband has started working lots of hours, as he is the main person responsible for running the business as president.  The last year has been hard on both of us.  I became depressed over how little time he was spending with the kids and I while he was trying to get the business up and running.  We started arguing a lot and I decided to go on zoloft, since I'd been on it in the past and it was a big help for me before.  One day I was thinking about our relationship and thought, "as bad as it's been lately, at least we aren't cheating on eachother".  Then, I thought, "wait a minute.  What if he IS cheating on me?" and the thought has stuck ever since.  My mind has bounced form person to person, trying to figure out who it might have been with.  Looking back, I can say my thoughts have been kind of crazy, since the people I suspected I no longer suspect in the least bit now.  But I analyze everything and overthink a lot.  My parents and friends think I'm being paranoid.  I really have no proof of any infidelity.  He's always where he says he's going to be, he tells me he's going somewhere and when I facetime him on the phone, he's where he said he would be.  There haven't been any strange credit card or bank transactions either.  He hasn 't changed any of his grooming routine (I read that some people start to work out or take better care of themselves when they're having an affair) and he's done none of that. 

The other day he said he was meeting a woman to offer her a position at the business he runs.  He told me where he was going to be and what time he was going to be there.  A mutual friend of ours just happened to be there as well, and saw him with her talking at a table.  Then I started thinking, maybe our friend is in on it and is telling me she saw him there to cover for him.  But then I think that doesn't make any sense, because HE TOLD ME HIMSELF that he was going to be meeting this person there.  So that's an example of my irrational thinking.  Then a couple days later, I went to our business and my husband was having a meeting with a bunch of people.  Someone's phone kept ringing and it was the same ringtone my husband has.  It would ring once, then stop.  Then a minute later, the same thing...ring once, then stop. Happened about 5 or 6 times.  I walked over to my husband's phone, thinking it was his that was ringing, because I wanted to see whose name was coming up on the caller id the next time it rang.  It didn't ring again.  A couple minutes later, he walked over to his phone and then put it in his pocket.  I later found out that another guy that was sitting in the meeting had the same ring tone as my husband, and I realized it was likely his wife calling him because it was her bday and she was upset that he wasn't home yet.  I also think I heard the guy kind of yell "STOP!" at his phone out of frustration because it kept ringing.  So, chances are, it was not my husband's phone that had been ringing the whole time, it was probably the other guy's phone. 

A few weeks ago, I found some text messages between my husband and a couple of his friends/coworkers.  They were pretty obscene and hurtful to me, him talking to his friends about some good looking women that worked where my husband and his friends would grab lunch.  I confronted him about them and he said it was just guy talk.  I have found nothing incriminating in his phone over the last couple years, just "guy talk" between him and his friends.  I found two texts I was suspicious of, but when I asked him about them, he proved to me on the spot that they were nothing (one was from an Uber driver and the other a customer who was trying to find our business). Because Ive snooped so many times, he put a lock on his phone.  He said he's done letting me snoop because every time I do it, I find things and take them out of context and make something out of nothing.  It's kind of a relief for me, because now I dont get the temptation and anxiety with wanting to look through his phone.

The only thing I have found recently has been a USB cable in his car that doesn't fit his phone.  I asked him what it was for and he said he used it to charge his bluetooth.  His bluetooth broke a couple months ago so I'm not sure why it would still be plugged into his car.  That made me start to wonder if he has another phone I don't know about, but I don't know how he'd be paying for another phone, because there aren't any bank or credit card transaction/atm withdrawals that would explain how he's paying for one.  His entire paycheck is depositied into our account, so unless he's getting a separate paycheck, which wouldn't make sense really, all of that money is going into our account where I can see it. I also found an old receipt in his car from over a year ago, so maybe he just doesn't clean his car out that often, which may explain why the cable was still in his car.

Anyway, I question everything.  Is he being nice because he feels guilty about something?  Is he being cold because he's thinking about someone else?  It's driving me crazy and I don't know what to think.  I went back to the psychiatrist since I've been so upset about this lately.  She's actually a nurse practioner working out of a psychiatrist office.  I told her my concerns and she said that just the "guy talk" texts and phone charger I found were enough for me to suspect him of cheating.  She basically suggested I hire a P.I. and continued to tell me about a friend of hers who is having an affair, who you'd never expect in a million years of cheating.  She straight up told me, "If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck" which only reinstilled my fears.  She knows I have no other proof but said people don't just randomly start suspecting their partners of cheating for no reason, unless they're psychotic, and she ruled out that I was psychotic.  

Just a little background, I have had episodes in the past.  About a month ago, my husband and I smoked some marijuana and I had to go to the psychiatrist (nurse practitioner) because I felt like I was trapped in a Matrix type situation, where I had lost touch with reality.  FYI, that has gone away since.  She said it was probably a result of the THC mixing with the zoloft and my brain chemistry.

My parents think I'm paranoid.  My friends tell me the same thing.  I can't stop imagining him with someone else.  It's killing me.  I cry all the time but he insists he's done nothing, and has sworn on the lives of our children that he has been faithful.  He also told me the other day that at this point, he would have confessed by now considering how much time my worries are taking up and how horrible I've been feeling lately.  He told me I'm looking for something that doesn't exist, and that I'll never find proof, because there is none because he's not cheating.

One last best friend recently found out her husband has been cheating with multiple women.  He had a separate bank account and a second phone she didn't know about.  I'm wondering if hearing all of this from my friend has made me suspicious of my own husband?  I talk to her about my concerns and she tells me I'm bieng paranoid, and that I need to trust until I have a legitimate reason not to.  She says nothing I have found has been proof of any infidelity.

My husband has been very supportive, talking to me when I need to talk, asking me questions to try and understand where my thoughts are coming from.  He is literally the last person on earth I would ever suspect of cheating, and I've always felt that way.  That was a huge reason I fell for him...he's extremely honest and has always told everyone the way it is.  He doesn't sugar coat things and he's not a liar.  He's always been a good person for as long as we've been together (16 years together, 10 married). He keeps telling me, "I'm the same person I've always been".  His dad had an affair and his sister has been cheated on multiple times by her husband, and he has always been bothered by that.  He's had friends cheat on their girlfriends and always had harsh words for them as well.  And a lot of the times when a friend has relationship issues, they turn to my husband for advice.  So why am I feeling this way???  I'm wondering if I will ever feel close to my husband again and be able to get this out of my head. I feel HORRIBLE for him if he's innocent...I can't imagine being accused of something you are innocent of.
Replied By: jal2230 on Aug 28, 2016, 2:37PM
My husband of 4 years, the father of my 3 children seems to have issues with porn. I am by no means a prude. However, it has gotten to the point of me feeling uncomfortable.  I always have had self esteem issues, and by no means is this helping.  There is no lack of intamacy in our relationship.  However, I feel as though our sexual relationship is nothing more than just that, sex, with him.  He is pre occupied with the female body and anything mirroring perfection.  He blames his childhood on his "addiction"(his words) to porn.  I feel this is a copout.  He rarely looks at me while being intimate, and no longer is it special.  A rut yes.  But to use porn to do whatever he needs to feel a rush.  Is this a form of cheating?  I feel like I have been cheated on.  He enjoys anothers womans body more than mine, and gets off on it, isn't that cheating?
Replied By: blue_eyes92 on Jul 16, 2016, 12:44PM
Well where do I start? I might as well just Jump Right In. I am in a committed relationship with the love of my life 4 years now and we have two beautiful children. In our past we had both use drugs and fortunately I am here to say that I have been clean 3 years and I'm living a very good life. I have no desire to go back to drugs. My significant other has not had as much luck as I have or will power I guess I have found multiple times drugs and drug paraphernalia in his pockets and messages on his phone regarding drugs using drugs buying drugs. The worst part about it is about a year ago I saw on his phone messages between him and multiple men that he would do drugs with. One of the guys he was talking to Wood pay my significant other to let him do sexual favors for him for money for drugs. I have not been able to let this go and I have so many questions. I have brought this up so many times and my significant other gets very defensive and mean claiming he's not gay excetera at first he said that I am crazy and he has never done anything like that but multiple things I have found he hasn't been able to explain away so I finally got him to admit that he has done a few things with a few different guys but he claims it is for drugs and it was only in the past. The problem is I don't truly believe that it's done and over with. I just recently found drugs on him as recently as yesterday and we are not living together right now because of this we are trying to work on things but I guess I should just say that I am trying to work on things and he is just doing what he wants to do. I am just really confused because I don't understand how a man could do something like that with another man unless he is gay or bisexual. I also feel that maybe he is bisexual and he is embarrassed about it and that is a part of the reason why he uses drugs. Part of me wants to say well this is nuts I will never deal with something like this but I am in love with this man and there's nothing more that I want than for this to work but I will not go my whole life taking care of our children and bending over backwards for him to find out later in life that he's been cheating on me with men our whole relationship. I would like any advice or advise anything that anyone would have to tell me I am just me myself and I just me and the kids and of course I can't talk to the kids about this so when I worry about this stuff I'm all alone.
Replied By: piggymac78 on Jul 6, 2016, 7:29PM
i have been faithfully married for over 14 yrs , my husband has cheated at least3 times and he has now become verbally abusive . We are going to marriage councilling next week  but i honestly dont think its worth saving !
Replied By: wife2kids419 on Jun 22, 2016, 5:59PM
I cheated on my husband about 7 times between 2008-2012 with some of his family and one of his friends. I went to stay married to him so much. I really care, love and want too be with him. It's been about 5 months since he's been home. I want to work it out soon bad. Any advice would be great!!! I've been trying too give him his space but like I said I miss him so much and its not gunna happen again
Replied By: julietxokel on Apr 30, 2016, 10:10PM
i just got married to my husband about 2 years ago we started having problems at home like we stop sleeping on the same bed, fighting about little things he always comes home late at night, drinking too much and sleeping with other women out side. i have never love any man in my life except him. he is the father of my children and I don't want to loose him because we have worked so hard together to become what we are and have today .few month ago he now decided to live me and the kid, being a single mother can be hard sometimes and so I have nobody to turn to and I was heart broken. i called my mom and explain every thing to her, my friend told me about mama jaja the spiritualist, how she helped solve the problem of her conceiving a child for her husband and It was surprise about it because they have not been without a child for 5years of their marriage and it was like a miracle how they later had a child. i was directed to mama jaja and explain everything to her, so she promise me not to worry that she will send a love spell and make things come back to how we where before and be in so much in love again. She told me that my problem will be solved a day after I use the love spell. if I believe I said OK. So she sent a love portion spell for me, which I use as describe by her and that same day I use the love portion my love came back asking me to forgive him. i Am so happy now. the reason why I decided to share my experience with every body is that if you have such a problem contact her now is ready to solve it for you immediately without wasting time.
Replied By: bdmatz10 on Apr 29, 2016, 10:46PM
I will try to make this short and sweet, I am 24, going on 25, I was married once from 2010-2013, divorced due to some major issues with the spouse and myself, I was young and naive, he was older and what I thought to be much wiser. We owned a house that we got forclosed on, the hubby was spending mortagage money on other women. About 4 months later I met my second husband who I had known before from working together, we were great together, I was and am very in love with him, we got married Sept 2013, but he went to prison Feb 2014 for 3 years, I promised to stay with him, and I meant every word I said to him, I did okay on my own, I pulled two jobs and supported him while he was there, 6 months later I helped his brother move down to live with me, he did not have much, and we had been talking about him moving back and staying here, a short while after that, I fell in love with him, as he did with me as well. I we have been together almost 2 years. My husband came home on parole, early as expected, I told him everything that had happened and that had been going on, we agreed to try and work it out, but a few short days later he was hooked on meth and with a new woman, I tried helping him every way I could, we still wanted eachother, but in the end we still did not know where we would end up, he could not get clean and sober, I did not have the heart to leave him or his brother, 3 months down the road, here we are, he is back in prison and I am still with his brother, I hate this feeling because I honestly and truly love the both of them and it is killing me, I dont know what to do, I feel like my husband needs me now more than ever, but at the same time I love his brother and know it would kill him if I left, I was afraid of leaving to be with my husband for this very reason, I feel like this is all my fault even though I know I didnt make my husband get on meth and put himself back in prison, I do know that because of my actions this happened, but then again I know this could very well have happened even if I did not do what I did. I dont know what to do. I just need help. . I plan on seeing a counselor for all of this come monday.  
Replied By: violinm9 on Apr 24, 2016, 10:51PM - In reply to asoderling
Yes, I admit that sulking when  I don't accede to his wishes is emotional abuse.  I don't know how to stop that.  I don't want to break up the marriage.  My daughters and son (in their twenties) would be distressed, if that happened.  He does manipulate me.  He never wants to go to my brother's for the traditional Thanksgiving dinner.  He says that they don't like him and that my brother really doesn't love me either because he shows up in my state without letting me know.  I makes no effort to visit me.  I have to run into him in Home Depot to know he is in this area.   I can't see going to my brother's on my own.  I don't know what to do with my situation.  I am lucid but helpless.

Replied By: asoderling on Apr 24, 2016, 2:16AM - In reply to violinm9
He is using guilt to get what he wants from you and is emotionally abusive when you don't give it to him. This is not okay and this is not healthy. You made a mistake. You are  only responsible for owning up to your mistakes, apologizing for them, keeping your promises and being honest from this point forward. AND, if  you choose to work things out with your husband you should expect to be transparent. No locked phone, no password changes, no secret email accounts. You should expect him to want to verify that the things you say and do are actually the truth. He has the right to question you but not harass you, he has the right to check up on you but not stock you, he has the right to need time and space but not expect to get laid only to go right back to wanting more time and space.  He needs to make the choice weather or not he is willing to accept your apology, is willing to work on repairing the marriage and if he is able to cope with the insecurities he has as a result from your affair. You do not "owe" him sex and he does not have the right to place that type of demand on you. No one does. EVER.

Replied By: violinm9 on Apr 22, 2016, 9:58PM
I had an affair.  I felt so guilty about it that I started injuring myself.  I was in and out of the hospital for about ten years.  I'm now better, but my husband is so insecure that he thinks I will see the person on the sly and continue the affair.  Consequently, my husband wants me to continue where I left off with him including "the deed".  So at least if I do it again, he'll know about it.  If I don't agree to do this, he sulks for a long time and is very difficult to live with.  I have been agreeing to do this for so long, that I"m actually beginning to enjoy it.  This does not make me happy.  I prefer a traditional marriage.  My husband is insecure and he thinks that if I see the person from the affair, that his deficiencies would be corrected by this other guy.  

I have now allowed myself to compromise my principles all because I can't tolerate living with a husband who would otherwise make my life miserable.  I have stopped attending Mass.  Everything has gone by the wayside.  Any thoughts?

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