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Infidelity

 
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? How did you rebuild your relationship? Share your advice and get support from others.
Comments
Replied By: garfila on Nov 27, 2014, 12:12PM - In reply to mike76
Wow, I can't believe it's been almost 7yrs since my husband cheated & of course it changed our relationship forever. Like you I went through a long torturous period where for one reason or another I thought about it every single day for over 2 years! I honestly can't recall what exactly happened to help me to let go of ALL the little reminders; the things in my mind that connected my constant thoughts to the incident; I just know that I was starting to get really frustrated with myself & this cycle that I created as the result of the pain I was in from this act of ultimate betrayal. I think the slow process of letting go of the day-to-day reminders started with me forcing myself to stop going deep into the thought once it was triggered and redirecting my thoughts to something, anything else and eventually it just stopped. Of course there are certain things that will be a reminder because it's something huge that happened & impacted us which means we'll never be able to forget and there will always be reminders throughout out our life, it's unavoidable; so it's up to us with what we do when we're reminded. Fortunately you have forgiven her, or have you really? What did it mean to you to forgive her? What changed after you forgave her? I don't really accept or agree with the definition that most people associate with the word Forgive. My personal definition of Forgiveness is letting go of the painful emotions that you attached to the thing, situation, person etc. that you are forgiving. Sometimes I forgive or "let go" of a situation that has happened and what it has causes, but not necessarily the person who caused it, but there are times when I also forgive the person themselves. Hope that makes sense? Again, it's just my own definition. I still haven't officially forgiven my husband, who I'm still with but in my own mind I have "moved on" because I couldn't continue living day to day emotionally crippling myself which would sometimes affect other things going on at the time the thoughts were triggered. I know this isn't in depth detail or great words of wisdom but I hope this in someway helps you in your journey to heal from this.
 
Replied By: leighiam on Nov 26, 2014, 10:03AM
Not my fault, he looked like any other guy.  I remember the pain and devastation I experienced when he left me for some ditz (come one, I don't really have to totally take the high road, do I?) that he was seeing for months before he left and before I had a clue.   I was probably crazed for a good year after it happened.  

The best advice I got:   Put all that stuff; the anger, the hurt, the bargaining for martydom,  on the shelf when you go out and leave it there.  If you want it, it will be there for you when you get home but do not carry it with you.  

There are some platitudes that carried me through -- One, you never lose anything that it truly yours. Two, living well is the best revenge, Three, what goes around, comes around --  and like the song says, I want to be around to pick up the pieces when somebody breaks your heart.  I do not think it is my job to punish or in any way interfere with his life -- but gee, I would love to hear when he gets his due.

Something that I felt strongly that I have not heard you mention on the show is that when someone betrays you -- really betrays you, it does more than end the relationship,  it negates the relationship that you had -- because how could it have been what you thought if he/she would do you like that?


Truly I had to just stop thinking about it because there are no answers that would make sense to me.


Sometime the love of your life is a dick.









 
Replied By: mike76 on Nov 2, 2014, 11:39PM
Please forgive me for possibly posting in the wrong place and if you don't mind, point me in the right direction. In the meantime, I need some help and/or encouragement from honest good people that have only the best intentions.....           I was cheated on. Its been 2 years ago and we have both been doing all we can to make it work. My love for her and her 3 children has never waivered and its still as strong as it has ever been. We both know she made a mistake and I know it bothers her badly knowing what she has done to me. I really do believe that I forgive her. The issue is, I have reminders nearly every day. There is always a show, picture, song, car, comment or name that reminds me of it. Again, I love and want her by my side until my last days..... I just don't know what to do. Thank you in advance.
 
Replied By: minhiding on Oct 26, 2014, 3:56PM
I've known him for over 10 years.  Met online.  Were just friends at first, then it turned into something more. 

We've never had a physical relationship.  We have been together twice,  just for drinks and to hang out. We live in the same state,  but 5 hours apart. 


Yes he's married.  When we first met I was married too. I've been divorced for 4 years. 


Just a couple weeks ago we sort of defined our relationship.  He has known for years that I love him.  I never knew how he felt about me.  I finally got him to admit that he cares about me,  but that's all he would say.


I don't expect or want him to divorce his wife.  I actually don't really know if I want.  I hate that I can't always talk to him when I want or need him. I can't text or call.  I can only reach him by email,  and I hate that.  I hate that sometimes I just want someone to comfort me,  to put their arms around me and tell me it will all be ok.


I've tried to just walk away,  I can't.  My ex left me for another woman so I know how it feels to be cheated on.  No idea why I can't see it from his wife's point of view and end it because of that reason alone. 


I honestly don't know what to do. 
 
Replied By: amanda_s on Oct 11, 2014, 1:14PM
My good friend of 2 years recently shared that he is in an open marriage with his wife. 

What does it mean exactly and how does that work out in the end?  They both had affairs recently and I am wondering if this is just a way to justify them remaining married even though they are both unhappy with their union.  Awaiting your feedback.  Thanks
 
Replied By: ladyinsane on Sep 25, 2014, 2:04PM - In reply to dougiezerts
I feel the sans way with my husband bc I've done it. Not proud of it in the least but I think if were seeking sex and compaionship elsewhere then we really DONT love our husbands.
 
Replied By: iwokeuptoday on Sep 18, 2014, 4:48PM
My fiance and I were going through a lull in our sexual relationship since I lost my job.  During this time we were struggling financially and her sex drive was pretty much gone.  I began to feel down on myself for not being able to provide for my family but I was constantly trying to make sure we were good until I could find some steady work.  I began to believe that she was no longer attracted to me after 4 years.  I found it hard to express this to her but when I did she stated that she did not understand why she was not feeling sexual towards me but it wasn't there.  I know that her ex-husband was a habitual cheat and I would never do that but he was also a porn addict. I unfortunately watched some of a few videos during this time and she walked in and I did not try and hide it from her but needless to say it did not go over well with her.  She stated that I was just like every other man and if I could do that then I was a cheat also (stated that by my watching a few videos that I was now a cheat because she stated I was lusting after another woman).  Needless to say we are separating because of this and it's the worst thing to have been labeled and lost the best relationship of my life because of a porn video.  I say all this to say that it really doesn't seem to matter what the reality is and maybe it's justified but perception is everything.  I know I'm a good, hardworking and loving man but she was able to just throw me away off of a random act, I know I was wrong but I didn't think that the ramifications would be so great.  I miss her and I love her and I've never cheated or would ever cheat on her but to her it was the same as cheating.  Hurting!!!!
 
Replied By: oceanentity on Aug 28, 2014, 8:45AM - In reply to brookebaby
Hello , i have been in exactly your position years ago with my first relationship of 10 years as well as some of my second 17 year relationship. Its all consuming isnt it , you feel obsessed with irrational thoughts , deep seated anger at times. Ive had intense councelling for this and it stems from deep ingrained insecurity , yes it is within you. the only way you will not lose him is if you get professional help to raise your self esteem to help you understand that it is your problem , not his. If you dont not get regular councelling to overcome this fear and insecurity it will ruin your relationship ( which i know from experience isnt good is it because your obsessing constantly about what he " might " do , and when you think he is controlled enough and you are at home together and you feel reassured he knows what you mean when you feel threatended and jelous of these other women ) please get help , i wasted so much of my life with this infliction, trust me professional help is the only way to get to the core reasons you are insecure and what steps can you do to remedy this, and the self talk that appears to happen automatically yes ? you deserve to be happy , and happy and confident in your relationship/s.
 
Replied By: brookebaby on Aug 24, 2014, 4:17PM
I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years next month. He has told me he doesn't know whether to leave me or not because of the pain I have inflicted on him by being jealous. He is my WORLD, my rock, I know he's the one for me. But I can't seem to get over being jealous and not being able to say something about girls that he talks to that he works with. I'm DEATHLY afraid of him catching feelings for one of them and not telling me. I KNOW he would NEVER cheat on me, I know that. I'm just afraid of him finding another girl. And that's where my jealousy comes in. We both love each other very much but he just cannot stay with me if I continue down this jealous path. Being this way emotionally tears me apart. I've tried not snooping through his phone, I've tried not asking who has texted or called him, but I can never NOT say anything.. He's at the end of his rope with me, as much as he loves me, he doesn't deserve what I've put him through. I don't know how to fix this.. I cry nearly every night scared he's going to leave me while I'm getting help. But what if the help isn't enough? What if I'm still this disgusting jealous person with him? I need some kind of help... some kind of advice... or anything really....



Brooke
 
Replied By: kamaney411 on Aug 21, 2014, 5:54PM - In reply to rhezaauda
Aaawwww Rhezaauda I am sorry to hear this!  My husband cheated on me before with a co worker.  We separated for about a year and we eventually ended up remaining married.  That was about 5 years ago.  Whe have been married for 11 years together for 13.  Before making the decision to divorce sit back and evaluate if you can forgive him or not and also take some time to focus on you and your children.
 
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