Sign up for the Dr. Phil Newsletter
Twitter Facebook YouTube

Infidelity

 
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? How did you rebuild your relationship? Share your advice and get support from others.
Comments
Replied By: marget on Jul 2, 2015, 3:41AM
Seven years ago I married who I believe to be the love of my life. A few years into our marriage we had a son. After our son I noticed a decline in my husnands attraction for me. He was no longer interested in having sex. He would rather watch Internet porn.  He would stay up all night at his computer or away at his office working. I would work nights sometimes into the early mornings. I tried to make "alone" time for us. Each time I did I was rejected sometimes even violently rejected. Still I tried to be clever, I would dress up sexy, try to surprise him etc... He seemed to be underwhelmed by it all. It seemed like the harder I tried the more he would pull away. He would rather be left alone with his computer. Even telling me one time that I needed to get a boyfriend for the affection I was seeking. I asked him if he was serious and he said "yes" months went by and we were repeating the same steps over. A work colleague of mine noticed and started to ask questions out of what appeared to be concern. I found comfort in confiding in them since this person was also married it seemed like they had a good grip on things until my relationship with my work colleague turned into a year and half affair. My husband snooped around piecing together clues... After he was satisfied with the information he found I was woken out of my slumber and confronted about everything. I confessed that I had been cheating even that I had a miscarriage by the man I was having an affair with. I cut off the affair and ended up at square one again with no affection. Then my husband and I discovered that he had a porn addiction and that's what made him so cold. He says he cut porn out of his life but I don't know if it's true. He keeps bringing up my affair or talks about things that are insignificant to our growth and development.  When things are going well and we start to rebuild he says something cruel that happened from the past or says things like he can win custody of our child. Just last night I caught him sneakily making an audio recording of our conversation he was deliberately pushing buttons, egging me on, trying to get me to say things... It felt weird so I asked if he was recording us and he said yes. I woke up the next morning and I asked him to delete the recording. Letting him know that if he really wanted to build our marriage and work on things then why would he try to record me in a bad light. He said he would think about deleting the recording he made. He has a password on his phone that he won't give me I don't know if he's back watching porn or if it's something else. He says he wants to do everything possible to make our marriage work but it feels like he is only staying in our marriage to calculate a way to win custody over our son. He says he's really in it, that he loves me, and he wants us to make it, I want the same but I don't know if I can truly trust his motives. Any advice or insight would be helpful. 
 
Replied By: loveu42015 on Jun 27, 2015, 12:31PM
I live with my two year old son and his father. His father and I have been together for almost four years. But last year my son's father almost died and was in the ICU. His family didn't tell me for three days. I had no clue where he was and I was very worried. Then my son's grandfather came to the house and asked if he could get some boxes out of the garage. I said yes. While he was loading the boxes into his trunk he asked me if I knew where Sean was. I said no. He asked me where I thought he was. I said I hope he is at his nana's house getting better. Then his father turned and said Sean is in the ICU on life support. I was shocked. His father had been at the house for about twenty minutes before he even mentioned Sean. I was furious and felt completely screwed with as if it was a joke. Ever since then my boyfriends friends and family members have been lying to me and I feel like they have been playing games. I could be over reacting. What do you think this means?
 
Replied By: hurting1974 on Jun 12, 2015, 3:26PM - In reply to itguy32
No, you are not out of line.  She needs to put the shoe on the other foot...doubt she would like you doing that to her.  To me, respect should be common sense, but unfortunately it is not.
 
Replied By: hurting1974 on Jun 12, 2015, 3:13PM
I met my boyfriend 3yrs ago through mutual friends, and although he was clearly interested in me, I had just come out of a bad relationship, so I was not ready to date. We would run into each other from time to time, and he was still interested, but I still was not ready. About 6 months ago we started talking over social media, and although he was working out of state at the time, we made plans for a date when he got home in a couple weeks.  

Once home we started dating immediately, and I seriously wondered why I waited so long. He was truly amazing in every way...except that it didn't take me long to figure out that he wasn't very sexual. Although we had actually sent each other some very racy text messages while he was out of town, and built up a lot of sexual spark. There just was t much follow through once we were face to face. I decided to chalk it up to the fact that he was just so great, that he actually valued me more than just a place to put his penis. Essentially ignoring my gut.

We moved in together and started building a life and making plans for the future. I am 41 and he is 32. I have never wanted for attention from men, I have been told that I look 26ish. And I am a very sexual woman. I enjoy it and am unapologetic about it. But now, our sex life is virtually non existent. We have had many discussions about why he doesn't seem interested, and it's either he doesn't know, or that he's never been very sexual, or that circumstances haven't been right, etc. All excuses right? I have not been shy about my feelings of being neglected in this area of our relationship, and he always says he will figure it out or do better. But nothing has changed, I mean unless he's drunk of course. Then he has no problem, which really pisses me off. I have asked him to have his T levels checked, and althoyhe said he would, he hasn't. I've mentioned counseling, but he says he doesn't think that's necessary. I've tried seducing him, using pheromone perfume, playful games from the local sex store...he typically rejects me with some lame excuse. Even seems to become nervous and uncomfortable if he thinks I may be coming on to him. He says that he is sexually attracted to me, but doesn't know why he doesn't act on it. He also admitted that this has been an issue in previous relationships.

Anyway recently, I found a post it note in his work bag that had 11 porn star names written on it. When I confronted him about it, he said it was from when he was out of state, and before we started hanging out. Without any proof to dispute his explanation, I had no choice to believe him, even as strange as it was to me that he felt them important enough to write down. I have made him aware of how I feel about porn and that it actually destroyed my marriage. It was an extremely painful time in my life, and that it is harmful to relationships. He told me that he had no use for it.

But as that pit in my stomach persisted, I decided that I needed to check his phone. Sure enough he has been viewing porn almost every day. Apparently at work? Needless to say, I lost it. Aside from robbing me/us of something very special and intimate...by taking his sexuality outside of our relationship is cheating. He says it is just out of habit, doesn't pleasure himself to it, and was stupid for doing it knowing how I felt. I told him that I wanted him to see a professional, but he won't. He says he is just stopping. He cancelled all his social media accounts, and keeps telling me that he will prove to me that he is not a liar or a cheater. But I ask what he intends to do, and he says he doesn't know. So I have nothing tangible...and at this point words really mean nothing. It's been a few days since this all happened, and I am just in a fog. He seems distant and although we talk about how we are feeling every night before bed, I still have that pit in my stomach.

I should also mention that his father (who I have never met) is a registered sex offender for using porn in front of my boyfriends niece.
 
Replied By: momincolorado on May 29, 2015, 3:44PM - In reply to lovinsnow
There is a difference between privacy vs. secrecy.

Privacy is closing the door to use the restroom.

Privacy is closing the door to make love.

Privacy is driving to a secluded place to be intimate.

Privacy is creating a password to keep unknown people out of your private information.

Secrecy is creating a password that even your spouse doesn't know.

Secrecy is walking out of the room to answer a phone call.

Secrecy is keeping everything on lock down.

Secrecy is clearing the history on the computer.

I've been married for 25 years and wouldn't spend even a day in a situation like that! A relationship demands respect on both sides. You should either demand your right of transparency or walk away.
 
Replied By: hatesdrunks on May 27, 2015, 2:31AM - In reply to hatesdrunks
I need an intervention BAD!!!!!
 
Replied By: hatesdrunks on May 27, 2015, 2:25AM
How about  being married for 36 years got the big you have MS bomb dropped on you, Your husband deserts you and has an affair with a slut that not even as old as our marriage !!!  Because As Always Drinking Drinking and More Drinking
 
Replied By: lovinsnow on May 26, 2015, 10:45AM
My boyfriend of 7 years has all of his electronic devices password protected. He has a laptop, desktop, cellphone, ipad and ipod. He has it where you need a username and password to log into any emails, social media etc for all devices, if you have the password to get into the device. This has been an ongoing issue over the 7 years where he claims he is entitled to privacy. After becoming suspicious a few times over his actions, I found a conversation between him and another woman who was being abused by her boyfriend and he expressed how he would love to be there for her. He gets pretty drunk at times and passes out before locking down all his devices. He swears up and down that I am being paranoid and insecure. I am at the point where trust is an issue but not necessarily if he is chatting it up with other women, its the fact that these devices are all on lock down in our own home. I don't have access to his emails, facebook, or credit card accounts and not that I want to snoop, but have to wonder what is so private, you can't share with your partner. 


Any outside insight or opinion appreciated
 
Replied By: niki1127 on May 20, 2015, 4:03PM
I recently found out my husband of 20 years has been on Facebook and found his exgirlfriend.  This girlfriend had hurt him terribly with becoming pregnant and having an abortion and then cheating on him with his friend.  He never friend ed her, but continuously looked at her page for almost 2 years.  Might I add that this was during the most difficult time in our lives where I lost my job and we almost lost our house.  I was wondering about how I was going to feed my family while he was looking at her....as well as other girlfriends, hooter website, strip club websites, porn sites.  When i confronted him bout this, he lied..  he didnt realize that i could see his search history.  He swore he only went on facebook 2 or 3 times ever.  Am I wrong for being upset about this.  I can't change how this makes me feel.  I already have self-confidence issues...this didn't help at all.  Now I have trust issues that I can't seem to get a handle of.  I know he loves me.  But I can't understand how he would let the thought of her (ex-girlfriend) take up any space in his mind....for whatever reason he wanted to look at her.  I don't  want to overreact.....but I can't change how I feel or how it made me feel knowing my husband was thinking of other women.  I've never been through anything like this....ever.  any suggestions????
 
Replied By: u2girl on May 16, 2015, 4:31PM - In reply to victim1
Go get an annullment or divorce and kick his butt out of your house.  Call immigration and make an appt with your local authority and ask for help.  He may become very angry, so have a support network in place of friends and family members.  Tell them what is going to happen.  Good luck, but you are not the 1st one this has happened to and you won't be the last.  But do not stay in an unhappy sick relationship.
 
Showing 1-10 of total 227 Comments