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Infidelity

 
Has your partner been unfaithful? Have you been the one to stray? How did you rebuild your relationship? Share your advice and get support from others.
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Replied By: lalalauren01 on Apr 15, 2014, 2:32PM - In reply to psycstudent101
She actually needs to show her own trustworthiness, too, and if this tracking app isn't agreed upon by her partner then it's dishonest and untrustworthy-the very thing she's trying to prove of him. An unfaithful partner does not give you a free pass to skip out on the work. If she chooses to stay in the relationship, she needs to embrace healthy behaviors and not go looking for trouble. Focus on her OWN growth. It is impossible for a relationship to progress in a healthy way when one partner is getting help and the other partner is intensely monitoring the other to see if it's working.

Part of trust comes from yourself and the confidence to know you'd be all right if you did discover further betrayal. At this point,  it's in her interest to let go of control over the guy (she won't prevent betrayal but she is encouraging paranoia and self doubt), focus on how to support and nurture his growth and the growth of the relationship, and allow change to occur. The only way to find out if you can trust someone is to trust them.
 
Replied By: psycstudent101 on Apr 13, 2014, 3:01AM
Curious, a friend came to me this evening with a question about ethics, I am so not sure on how to answer, maybe some extra opinions can help.


Situation is this, her boyfriend of just over a year has never actually physically cheated on her but definately emotional cheating had occurred, they have since started councelling and anger managment courses. She is highly suspicious of this happenening again (the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior, right?) and wants to know right away if he does, she is not a stalking nut but is ready to walk out the door if it happens again, is she in her right to put a tracking and recording app on his phone to monitor long enough to see if the therapy is working and he is actually fixing himself and stopping the nonesense or if he is just playing her to keep her around


please thoughts anyone? 
 
Replied By: ladyinsane on Apr 8, 2014, 10:29PM - In reply to wingedrunner
You're story sounds a lot like mine. Im 30 years old and my ex married lover is 41. He doesn't love me either. He just likes me. We met in 2004 when he was my boss. It was a great working relationship for two years. In 2006, I found out he was moving away to VA. I Was devastated. Before he left, he propositioned me for sex for two reasons. One because he knew, he knew we both had a sexual crush on the other and two because he figured he'd get his piece before never getting the chance again. After he left, we continued to talk via the phone and in 2009 we communicated via email and that's when it was evident that the sexual desire was still there. The more we emailed, the more I had an urge to see him and finally I propositioned him, not caring that I was in an relationship at the time but clearly unhappy. We agreed to meet and October of that year we started a year and a half long torrid sexual affair. I got to see a side of him his wife doesn't see or if she does, it's one he doesn't show often. He was able to be himself and I immediately had a strong connection not just as the person giving him pleasure but as a friend too. In 2011, I made the mistake of telling his wife. He made no attempt to defend me or at least be truthful. I wasn't in the right frame of mind when I told her and for three years after that I was under the assumption he hated me. Then in february of this year, I went down to see him to apologize. It went well. We ended up having sex and then just like before she found out only this time I didn't tell her. He made me promise to not contact her and I didn't. Why not ask me how I'm doing when his wife is calling me unstable and delusional? He humiliated me and again never once told the truth. He played me and now I feel like such an idiot. I love him so much and the bond that we have, the fact that he can share intimate stuff about his private life, is something most married men don't even tell their mothers but he felt compelled. I can tell him anything and he'll never judge or never turn on me even if she asked him too. I'm very hurt, angry, and confused. He flat out refuses to divorce her even though he clearly isn't getting what he wants sexually. He may have a secure relationship with her and may "love" her but why go through all the trouble of hurting me if he didn't have future intentions with me?I can't imagine not having him in my life as a friend but I can't make him talk to me. His wife clearly had the final say but whatever she says, he ignores. He'll never be who she wants him to be when she's not with him when it comes to me and I thank him for that. But I don't know what to do? I've been very depressed and I need some insight.
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Mar 25, 2014, 7:56AM - In reply to guidancensup
You are only a year older than I and I cannot imagine how your heart must be doing with all of these ups and downs. Im so sorry and concerned for your well being. How are you doing? This must be very hard.


This guys sounds like a parasite. He wants it all and is sucking the life from you. That is NOT love. LOVE empowers and does not cheat, distort, or take value away from you. Anytime you have to hide there is something wrong. 


He is making you his Bond woman, and nothing good ever happens to these women. They usually end up dead in the movies. Why are you allowing yourself to be this? Sure its exciting at first with all of the rendezvous, and seemingly deep talks but he is the only one who is being fufilled in this relationship.

If he really wanted to give his marriage a chance, he would eaither fix it, or break it off right away, and then take time to fix himself before starting a realtinship with you. He would also take care of you by NOT putting you through this. THis is so selfish of him. You cant relationship hop from place to place and expect a happily ever after. Relationships take work, and it sounds like this guy is just looking for the perks.

He needs help as he sounds like a he preys on the weak. Which brings me to my next question. Why are you valuing yourself so little? Do you realize you are worth more than this fake kind of love? I think you need to take some time and examine your actions towards yourself and get to the roots of why you are robbing yourself of good rich love.


All in all it needs to stop. You need to take back power and distance yourself from this guy. He is not trustworthy in his marriage and will not be trustworthy in a relationship with you. You deserve more. 

 
Replied By: guidancensup on Mar 24, 2014, 7:34PM
Hi. I'm 31 and have been in a 3 year relationship with a 52 year old co-worker.  It started out as a friendship and suddenly, he told me he was falling in love with me.  I blew it off at first but then things started to get more serious.  Two months after we met, we had sex.  I knew he was married and I was engaged.  We both were having problems in our own relationship, I knew this wouldn't fix it and I didn't feel guilty cheating.  The next day at work, nothing changed in the office.  Later that evening, he contacted me and wanted to come over.  I told him we needed to talk about this and figure out why it happened. We talked and he told me he was in love and didn't know what he wanted.  A few days later, it happened again.  For the remaining 2 months I was in town, we continued to carry on the relationship.  My assignement there ended and I came back to the home office.  I figured that I would never hear from him again.  Every day since I've been gone, we have talked on the phone, met places, or went to each others house.  Not every meeting resulted in sex.  He's a good friend and I enjoy his company.  Many times, we just sit along the river and talk about life.  In Nov 2012, he gave me a "promise ring".  At the time, he told me it was to prove that he loved me.  Later on, he told me that was a promise that some day, everything will work out with us. Oct 31 2013, his wife found out about us. He told me that he was going to fix things with his wife.  By Nov 4 2014, he was calling me every day, 5-10 times a day, telling me how wrong he was for ever leaving me and how he wanted me to forgive him for making the mistake of going back.  We talked things out and decided to continue with our relationship.  By the end of Dec, first part of Jan, we were meeting every Sat or Sun to hang out.  It started out with just getting lunch or sitting by the river, then things went back to the cheating world.  Feb, we were talking about his divorce and making wedding plans.  Just last week, he sent a text message to his wife by mistake saying.."I love you AJ. More than you'll ever know. you're my everything.  It will all work out for us."  Of course, he went home to fix his mistake and I'm once again left alone.  I know I'm crazy for hanging on to a married guy, but he is honestly everything I've ever wanted....just not with the married part.  I ask him why he wanted to fix his marriage and he told me, "I feel like I have to atleast try" and "this is what I feel God would want me to do".  He believes he has a mental disorder because his wife keeps telling him this.  As a friend, I want him to be happy and support him with whatever he decides, but I also know, if he chooses his wife, she won't let us talk and I don't want to stand in the way of their marriage any more.  I really don't want to lose him as a friend.  He is the one person I can talk to about anything.  I believe this is why things ended up with an affair. Please help me.....
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Mar 21, 2014, 4:04PM - In reply to kristinn239
Firstly, I think your husband needs a lesson on what is encouraging talk in a marriage and what is not. That must have been so hurtful to hear. Im so sorry. My heart dropped when I read that. Ugh... Im not sure what his intensions were with saying that but I think thats part of the problem hear too. You need clarification.


Its such a bummer that you even have to wonder why he said that to you, and mischief is a huge killer of intimacy and trust in a marriage. I charge that you ask him about his intensions with allowing that information into your marriage and then explain how it hurt you and challenges the validity of your marriage.  Clarification is a tool that will strengthen so much in trust between you and him because, essentially you are looking into how he perceieves information. 


If you can understand how he deals with informations that will answer all of these riddels that you have bouncing around in your head. this is should be a mutual practtice too. With this conversation I would talk about setting boundaries with her. He needs to remain a united front with you. Sometimes women have thick skulls and need a man to say "hey, Im married, I love my wife, and my home, please do not challenge this or you will find yourself without a employment."  Or something to that effect because this is technically sexual harrassment on the job.  


Either way there should be a consequence to her actions in dealing with male co-workers. My husband gets hit on too at his job. Some of them are gorgeous, but very broken and I see that pain. these women are just looking to get help in the wrong places and are under the beleife that a good standing man is the answer. 


So, as far as the potential home wrecker goes....well, for me? Dysfuntional actions are only symptoms of lost value and this girl is probably really hurt to go after married men. BUT that is not your problem and hopefully she finds help. Until there is real evidence that there is an affair, she is not anything to pay any mind to. This goes for your husband too.

I hope this empowers you. 
 
Replied By: jaimie1974 on Mar 14, 2014, 5:06PM - In reply to miahall3


In your post, what really stood out to me was this quote:

"Besides the cheating he is an amazing guy. Honest, sweet, sincere, and everything I have ever wanted in a man. He the man of my dreams and I don't know how to keep him. He claims he loves me the same way, but how do I get him to show it? How do I keep him from cheating or is that even possible?"

It is understandable that you've forgiven him for some cheating because of your own behavior. You made a decision to wipe the slate clean, so to speak. But he has continued the cheating. This must be so painful for you! Ask yourself this: why do I allow him to treat me like this? Your answer might be because you love him. But then you need to ask yourself, is this the kind of love that I deserve? The answer is NO. You've given this man your heart, to treat you well and protect that heart. He hasn't done that, he has continued to break your heart over and over. Each time, you take him back and open your heart over and over. Maybe there is a part of you that believes this is all that you deserve. But please know that is not true! You deserve the kind of love that is truly honest and kind. Not just some of the time, but all of the time. You deserve devotion. My advice to you is to be kind to yourself. Treat yourself the way that you want him to treat you! I wish you the best.
 
Replied By: jaimie1974 on Mar 14, 2014, 4:54PM - In reply to kristinn239
This is a quandry. It is totally understandable that you don't know how to process this, and that you feel angry about it. I know that if I were in your shoes, I would also feel that way!

While it MIGHT be true that he said/did something to prompt her to say the statement that she made- at the same time you don't know for sure. You do not know that woman. However, you DO know your husband. Is that something he would normally do, is it in his character to have intimate or inappropriate interactions with other women? This is where your focus should be, on your husband.

This isn't a game for a 20year old to be playing, it is your life. So you have to decide what you are going to do about it. You could keep being angry about it, but that will eat you up inside, it will erode your marriage, and your children could grow up without both parents. OR you can make a decision to put your trust and faith into your husband that he would never betray you in that way. That when he told you what he told you, he was doing so innocently, sharing with your what was said at work, or whatever. This is up to you at this point. I know the way I'm saying this makes it sound like it is easy, but I know it isn't easy! You've made a life and created children with this man, so you must have trust in him. Put your anger aside.

 
Replied By: kristinn239 on Mar 14, 2014, 10:54AM
My husband and I have been together for three years, we have a three year old a one year old and I am 17 weeks pregnant with our last one. He got a new job at a hospital and came home two days ago and explained there was a 20 year old girl who he worked with that saw him as a challenge because he has a beautiful wife and children. Obviously I am furious because this girl thinks breaking up my family is just a little game. My family thinks im blowing this out of proportion because if he wanted to cheat why would he have told me? I get that. But why would some girl who he barely knows say these things if they hadn't talked on a personal level? I know most women would not just say to a married man your a challenge unless he gave her a reason to say that and she felt comfortable with him. 



My question is what the hell would you do? I am going nuts!
 
Replied By: miahall3 on Mar 12, 2014, 3:24PM
Hey Everyone,

I was hoping someone could help with some advice on what to do. I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year now and we both fell completely madly in love with each other right from the very start. Shortly after we started dating however, he cheated on me with a girl he met online. I found messages in his phone with him dirty talking with this girl and after a confrontation with her (who was very nice and helpful), he finally confessed. Shortly after we had worked things out I found messages in his email of him asking another girl to come over and sleep with him. Somehow we managed to work through that as well. 

A few months had passed and once again, I found emails firting with another girl who he called his "slutty nurse". There were no signs that he slept with her but he was asking her to send him photos and they were deeply describing possible intimate encounters. After forgiving him a third time, and a few months later, once again I find him sending an email to a girl about possibly meeting up with him to have sex. 

Now, I know what you are thinking. Why don't you just leave the bastard? Clearly he isn't faithful. But I'm not perfect either. Shortly after he had cheated on me the first time I had slept with two guys in an attempt to get back at him and seriously believing he didn't feel the same way about me. Not only so, but only weeks after we had met I had slept with another guy not thinking we were going to end up in a serious relationship. So yes, I cheated as well.


However since the second time I cheated, and since I found out about his first encounter, I have been nothing but faithful. We confronted each other and discussed our relationship and when we decided we wanted to be together for good I became completely honest with him and loyal. And since then I gave him access to everythihg to prove to him my loyalty, while he continued to cheat on me. 

He is honestly the love of my life, and the first person I have ever seen myself settling down with and starting a family. Besides the cheating he is an amazing guy. Honest, sweet, sincere, and everything I have ever wanted in a man. He the man of my dreams and I don't know how to keep him. He claims he loves me the same way, but how do I get him to show it? How do I keep him from cheating or is that even possible? I don't want to lose him, but I can't take the heartbreak. Please help.
 
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