I am married. On the brink of my 20th anniversary. I have three children aged 17, 16 and 10. My seventeen year old self harms (cutting). My ten year old has Tourette Syndrome.



Over four years ago I brought my husband out for a drive. Parked up. And asked him why our marriage was so cold. We didn't talk. We didn't do anything together. I told him I felt like a house keeper. He controls all the finances in the house - when we met I was in debt and I don't feel confident in that area, so it was logical for that to happen. Over the years he has always said "I could lose my job tomorrow" "We're not saving enough" to the point that most of my clothes and shoes are second hand. I removed the child allowance from our bank account so I could buy christmas presents and birthday gifts for our children without having to argue with him about it. He has shares and the income from that goes into a bank account held in his name. We have a €75,000 mortgage, no loans, no credit card debt. He earns €75,000 per annum. We live in the countryside and run two cars.


I also asked him why we no longer had a physical relationship. He won't have sex with me. He said he doesn't feel the urge. So when I asked him what he did about emissions - a fact of life - he said he takes care of that in the shower. He said he had no physical problems, just wasn't interested. By this stage we hadn't had sex in five years.


After our discussion it was difficult and I asked him to move our of our bedroom as I didn't feel comfortable sharing a bed with someone who was no interested in me. He was angry and moved out. But the next night he said he had to move back in because he had a long journey to work (1 hour) and would probably crash the car if he didn't get enought sleep, and he could only sleep in his own bed. So I moved into the spare room.




Our youngest was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome in 2011 and around this time our eldest came to me to let me know about her self harm. We went to the Child and Adolescent Mental Health Service through referrals from our doctor. The counsellor at the service said to me that my dysfunctional marriage was to blame. I told him I'd asked my husband to have counselling, but he wouldn't. He wouldn't move out and also he didn't want me to go out to work. I asked for family counselling which quickly moved to couples counselling without my husband realising it. But he finally kept making it difficult for him to attend sessions - meetings at work, anything to do with work and he'd cancel or try to reschedule. Finally CAMHS said they lacked the funding to continue the therapy.


My youngest's TS is now manageable and my eldest's self harm is still being worked through but I think that great progress is being made.


I did ask him if I could go to work about 4.5 years ago. He agreed and I went for an interview at a solicitors' practice. They offered me the job when I was on the way home from the interview and I accepted it. I was thrilled. I phoned my husband to tell him. He said we'd discuss it when I got home. I had a sense of foreboding. At home he told me to choose - either my marriage and children, or the job. I had to phone the solicitor back and tell her that something had come up in the family and  I wouldn't be able to take the job. The following day I phoned and told her exactly what he'd said and apologised because I wouldn't have wasted her time if I'd known this at the start. I felt, and still feel, a complete fool.


Now it's the brink of my 20th anniversary. I haven't had any physical relations with anyone for nearly 10 years.


I had another "discussion" with my husband where I cleared the decks, put everything on the table and told him I'd reached the end of the line. He asked me if I love him. I just shrugged. He asked me if I wanted to throw away our shared assets - "the house, the children, our bank accounts, our memories". I thought it sounded like a threat. He also asked me who I'd talked to about this. I told him no-one, but he doesn't believe me; he went through all my friends by name and I said no to each one.


He used to kick me under the table when we were out to dinner at his sister's  or brother's  houses, or when we went out for a drink. So I don't go any more. And the last time he did it at a family event I asked him "Did you just kick me under the table?" and he hasn't done it any more.




He doesn't hit me. He doesn't say anything really. He leaves the house without telling me where he's going or when he'll be back.


I get anxious before he gets in from work in the evening and usually deflect that onto the children.


I have no family or support network in this country. My parents live in Scotland and my brother and sister are in the USA. My husband's parents are both dead and his siblings both work full time.

After having the full and frank discussion with him on Tuesday evening, I didn't see him til Friday because he had colleagues visiting from the USA and had to socialise with them. But on Friday he brought home half a dozen red roses and when he brought them in he said "I thought these would brighten up the house." So I just left them on the table. Eventually, the next morning, he put them in water.


I know that I've mentally left this marriage, but I'm scared to do anything else. 

My wife and I divorced about 8 months ago. We still are great friends. We hang out. I tell her I love her and she knows that. She knows I want to work out our issues and get back together. At the time a year ago I wasn't happy in our marriage. I was confused mentally at the time and resolved to drinking and I filed for divorce. She didn't want it. I forced the issue and we divorced. I realized I made a mistake a couple months later and went back and started hanging out with her again. She told we could work it out then went back on her word, she has done a few time now over the course of 6 mths. She says she needs her space to find out what she wants. I am worried she is going to meet someone else because she constantly texting and facebooking guys and even seen an X rated conversation she had with one of her friends along with pictures on her facebook page. Then she tells me she wants to work it out, then a couple days later she goes back on her word. I want her to make up her mind and let me know what she wants. She tells me she loves me but isn't in love with me. She doesn't make the effort to hug or kiss me but when I do it's like she is pushing me away. How long do I have to wait?

don't throw away eleven years

Almost the same story here sounds like manopause get beautiful and dump his ass while you are still young how can you ever feel safe and secure.

I was married for over 24 years and worked two and three jobs and took my kids to and from school every


day and had dinner on the table most nights and the house was always clean. I always worked a physical job which left me with permanant disability. My husband became demeaning asking me what I did all day which was keep the house clean worry about money go to dr appts and pool therapy and by noon I was in excruciating pain and had to lay flat. So 2 and a half years he asked for a divorce the reason was I was diasabled and he didn't like the way I was aging. Well I'm over all that and the divorce is final my problem is since I can't work i amm depending on the kindness of other for a place to live. I have a little income but not enough to get my own place. I saw online that  women of divorce is the largest growing population of homeless people. Maybe we could start a program to get women together in homes taking care of each other and sharing rent. I was a care giver for the last two+ years and it was so depressing and I did it for free room.How sad this is that this happens to wives and mothers.

unfortunately your statement that once they cheat they always cheat is true a lot of the times, but not because your spouse cheats means that we should generalize. Not everyone is the same, once you have been cheated on many people decide to hold an anger towards that person that hurt them and start becoming unhappy and dont let themselves fall in love again because of the fear of going through that again. Forgiveness is the only way to be happy and realize that not everyone is the same and that not everyone will hurt you. try to forgive people so you can be happy.

I don't even know where to begin, let's just say I have been deeply devoted and in love with someone I thought was the love of my since I was 16...understand that we did not reunite until I was 22, but we married 22 years ago in January and I felt like the luckiest person in the world because I married the love of my life.  Three years ago in July, he tells me the night before he is going to lose the family business, of the situation.  Two months later he leaves to work on the road.  Then in June of 2011 he gets work for a company on a job in Texas, and he is making more money than we have ever seen.  The problem was, he quit sending money home regularly, and if I questioned him, I was made to feel like I was a money-grubbing bitch...then he loses this well paying job almost a year before it is to be complete.  I find out later that he lost it because of his performance.  He still denies this fact.  The company won't send him back to retrieve his car, so he spends 4 months at home, and says he wants to get his CDL, so that he can get a truck driving job in Texas.  I support him through all of this, even though I know that he spend over two thirds of the money he made in Texas on something, but he denies it, didn't help with bills during that time, just made me feel horrible for asking for money for me and his three kids.  He leaves the following February for this truck driving job he gets in Texas and doesn't come back until June, when he drops the bomb that he cheated, and wants a separation to punish him.  During the four months he was gone, he barely sends any money, and meanwhile we are becoming further and further in debt on the house, and I am barely able to pay the bare necessities with my income.  Certain events force us to spend time together off and on during the summer, and when I am finally financially able, I file the separation paperwork.  He becomes very angry, because I am asking for alot, since he is making great money, but not sending any home during the summer, and presumptively spending it all on her.  He comes back in October for Senior night for my son's football...then leaves and doesn't come back until the end of January for Senior night in basketball.   When he comes back in January, he has been through a horrific accident, from which he was lucky to survive.  His attitude towards me seemed to change, but each time we talk, the conversation devolves, as he doesn't want to talk about what he did, but hasn't been honest with me either.  I have tried to contact the other woman, who I might add is a much younger woman, of course, classic story.  She refuses to answer my e-mails or telephone calls.  I am so confused, he says he knows what he did was wrong, completely regrets it, but I really don't want to be the one he settled for, and I don't know why they quit seeing each other.  My kids are suffering incredibly....he hasn't been back since January, and tells the kids he is looking for work to come back, but there is always an excuse why he can't come back....he was only around for our oldest to graduate high school.  My middle child is a Senior and he has missed all of his high school career but his Freshman year, which he coached him in Football....my he has missed all of my daughters three years of high school, she will be a senior next year.  My family is completely wrecked....even though I have not told them anything about the affair or the money, I have always made excuses and covered for him, because I didn't want to affect their relationship with him.  I was so distraught over him abandoning them, I myself having been abandoned by my own mother, that I did attempt to remove myself from this world, only to have my oldest son find me, because I would have rather they been mad at me, then have to live with his conscious decision to abandon them, because they are "raised" as he put it so ridiculously.  I know it doesn't make sense, but I would have done anything to have them not have to go through that pain....he would have passed it off as me being crazy, which is a common theme, but at least they could have blamed it on something other than a conscious decision on his part for no reason other than pure selfishness and arrogance.  I barely sleep, lost 70 pounds in about three months, and do not know where to go or what to do...he is effectively unreachable, living out of a truck, so telephone contact is all that there is, and that doesn't hold up in a court of law.  Just received the foreclosure papers on the house, and he wants to file bankruptcy to save the house, but there is a part of me that doesn't want to help him anymore....at least not while he is 2300 miles away....he should have to see his kids faces when we have to leave the only home they remember....if we file bankruptcy, lose the house anyway, because he still isn't helping much with the money....then he gets all of his credit card debt, and it is all his, all of his debt for the business he intentionally tanked, and everything wiped out, with me doing all of the work for that....then he can simply file for divorce down there, and I end up with nothing, and the kids end up with nothing.....I get so angry at Dr. Phil sometimes for acting like if the guy wants to go, there's nothing to do, but why should he just get to go on his merry way with all of this devastation behind him....and I'm sorry but karma takes too long.

For the past 20 years  most the decisions  were made by my husband I basically followed him arround the world to make  a long story short .   I am  3 years older than my husband and decided to retire at 62 since I got the opportunity to buy a house for less the renting In my home town where I grew up.  Have been living away from my husband for the last 3 years.  I get by with SS and a small 401 k from the times I worked Have no children My husband has recently been laid off and is going to be 62 in Sept. since he has health issues this may be a  tricky situation.  Especially since he thinks we should take in  one of his family members who has a lot of emotional issues that I am not able to handle  to .  I do not see this working already told him this and he is upset  with me.  I am sure he will throw this I my face for the rest of our lives.  which makes me want to be single again.

Was married my true love for 9 years and we are still married but he is american and me icelandic, he was sent back to usa in 2011 after we had lived together for 8 years here in Iceland, he was going to get house and work so we could come to usa and be a family again, we have 3 daughters together, then when i tried to go over the tsa sent me back and didnt allow us into usa, so he started cheating on me but i always forgave him cause i knew it was only because i wasnt there, he was never liek that when we lived together, now all of a sudden he has a girlfriend and he says he doesnt love me and its so hard cause i never got the chanse to say goodbye, i wont ever see him in my life again cause i cant go to visit usa and he cant get here, i feel like i cant close this, we are even still married, but we have eben forced by laws to not see each other for 2 years now and its hard i feel like its all so unfair and i feel like my life is just over, i feel very suicidal all the time, and i am seeing a doctor and on medications but its doesnt help taking that pain away, i cant get closure, i feel like my life has been a big lie, i feel like my husband and my best friend just died and i dont get any sympthaty because he is still alive and i dont know how to get through this cause i want to be there for our daughters but every breath is hard to take, i always took care of myself, now i feel so bad about myself that i hate my looks and i go to the gym twice per day, i want to be perfect and i always trid to be but why would he give up on me like that then, what did i do wrong? i will never know, i was there for him always and i feel worthless now... how do you get through this? has anyone gotten through this and how? please help me :(

If you find your scumbag husband is a cheater & a liar, DIVORCE him. It will continue. Mine started cheating after 25 years of marriage and DID NOT QUIT. He asked God's forgiveness but will not own up to it being a choice of his and continues to blame ME. He has not asked MY forgiveness s he can continue to blame me.