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Divorce

 
More than half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. How did you start over after your marriage ended? Are you struggling to co-parent with your ex? Discuss your experience here.
Comments
Replied By: sierrakat on Jun 26, 2014, 4:54PM
At first, divorce seemed doable and a must, considering Domestic Violence was/is a factor. However, now I feel worn down and exhausted.  I was able to obtain a 3 year restraining order and custody of my children with limited visitation, but, the ex-doesn’t follow the RO and the police say they can't do anything unless he physically attacks us/ me.  The ex-even tries to use protective services as a weapon against me and thankfully they have been very helpful to me and my children.  The part I can't seem to get past is when and if his actions will ever cease and until then how do I handle the stress of it all? What else can I do protect myself and my family from anymore chaos?
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Jun 5, 2014, 3:29PM - In reply to artiebill
It is not selfish, and is completely understandable that you feel he has lost nothing but he has. He is walking away from one of the most amazing things that a human can do in their lifetime...being powerful.


I write  a lot about being powerful on this site to people because the traits of a powerful person do not come without a heavy cost. The fact that you are looking for answers demonstrates to me that you are very powerful and not afraid of the ugly. Sounds like he is missing out on a pretty wonderful lady.


Your mind, heart, spirit is much too precious to be loved in such an ill manner. You are worthy of safe, powerful love. I’m not writing this to exhault you because this is true for everyone in the world, even your ex. We are all exceptional beings and  its when we start to believe that we are less that we start making decisions that cater that belief.


A belief is a thought  that promotes choices, that begats a lifestyle that births an environment of empowerment or dysfunction.


Your husband is walking around with the belief that he is powerless. He has completely forgotten (or never know,) what his value is and what he is truly capable of. We all have greatness in us, and when we try to become less we start acting less, and it leaks onto our surroundings...what really hurts is when people like yourself get hurt by this kind of thinking.


Our value is so important to remember and to walk out daily. We must remember that we are powerful, precious, capable of great love, honor, respect, and strong connections. I can see that you are, and I really hope that one day he wakes up and realizes this too.  


So just know that this situation is not about who left with more damage, rather try an see it as he is really broken, very hurt and not seeing that his actions are tearing his life apart. Whats really sad is that he is taking all of this dysfunction that he bestowed on you into the next relationship. UGh….I fear for the next woman.


In the mean time, while you heal, I would make some lists of what makes you powerful, and what you are not going to take with you into your new life ahead.  Here are some things that I see from what tou have written as powerful traits: 1. You are not afraid to be real2. Commitment is a strong value to you 3. You are not afraid of the truth 4.You are okay with being a process


Pretty great start I think:) I hope this empowers your thinking as a powerful woman.
 
Replied By: artiebill on Jun 5, 2014, 10:48AM - In reply to wingedrunner
Your words were kind and thoughtful.  I hear all the wise right words and advice in my head.  It is my heart filled with confusion and I know I will never get any true answers.  Sadly, I am the only person in this scenario that lost anything.  He did not, his affairs did not, and I feel cheated.  I know that is shallow, but it is a true gut feeling.
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Jun 4, 2014, 1:50PM - In reply to artiebill
Im so sorry to hear about this break and I would really like to extend some notes on your story that would help. I hate that you are left with no clarity of why he chose to break commitment with you, and the first thing I think you should prepare yourself for is never getting that answer. 

Its like an abusive situation, where the abused rarely get to question the abuser. You have to find peace in never getting a straight answer. With this you must also gaurd against re-building your life around this kind of damage too. Its easy to withdrawl from the world and never extend trust or love again. Its also easy to punish new peoplein our lives for the mistakes that the old had made. These are things to take into consideration when rebuilding a new life for yourself.

To process what has happened and to proceed forward in life, I woul first get comfortable with never recieving an answer. Forgiveness is key too. 


Forgiving means relenquish the power of someones mistake over your life. You must cut this cord so that you can proceed. This is a difficult process, and it will probably take some professional counsel to do so. 

Trust is built, please know that just because you have forgiven him for what he did to you does not mean he gets any ounce of trust or access into your life. He has made adecidion and now must live with himself. SO give everything back to him, all of his lies, all of the mistrust, bad memories, the infidelity everythings. Envision yourself pushing all of that junk across the table towards him and saying, "this is your stuff, not mine and now Im going to excuse myself from this dysfunctional table."

Mourn the things that were lost. Mourn the death of a marriage, death of a connection, the drinking, the bad choices (on both sides) and then move on to what you will do next to make things different for you. ITs okay to mourn over and over again.


Writing is good. If you need to keep writing it out, over and over again until it has no power over you. Writing releases what has been percieved. Doesnt matter if the perception is accurate or not, just write it out because its real to you, and that is what matters.

Cry! Cry the ugly cry about everything. Crying releases stress and exhausts anxiety. The less stress you carr the more healthy (physiologically) you'll be. THe last thing you need is getting sick.

I hope this starts some dialect with you. You are on my heart and I hope this practicle advice help.s













 
Replied By: artiebill on Jun 2, 2014, 6:57PM
Last October, after 10 years,  I was informed I was being divorced.  He already had it set up and I was at the lawyers within the next week.  

I was blindsighted, my world spun 360 degrees over and over again.  He blamed it on my drinking, yes I had climbed in a bottle.  Here is the point where I want to justify my drinking. I won't.

So, the story I got for the divorce was, I was a drunk,he hated my guts, couldn't stand me touching him and he was done! done! done!  He hit me in every pride point.    I accepted it.  I deserved it.  Apologized, begged, I had already quit drinking at that point, and we had great sex less than a week before the news.


What I found out later, purely by accident and then confruntational, was that he had been having sex with women at his job and once paid for it.  Even when I saved his job by doing electical work.


So, here is my problem.   He is one of those people lies, lives in a fantasy world to protect themselves, but worst of all never tells the true story, even if you give them the optiion, no recriminations.  


He left me with a mystery, that I can not solve.

what fo i do?  I don't want him anymore.  How do I progress/

 
Replied By: fransuzy on Mar 30, 2014, 3:44PM
i have been with my guy for three yrs... lately he has been doing drugs. he works out of town but on weekends he is home,,,he was doing drugs 2 to 3 times a day, so I sent him an email saying that if he continued to do drugs then i would have to make a choice to stay or leave...

well, i really thought he would pick our relationship over drugs...it is not like we are in our 20"s  50's is more like it... i never thought at this stage in my life I would have to deal with drugs...

as he stormed out the door, he said you decide what you want, you can not change an old monkey... I don't do it because I have a problem, I do it because I am confertable...

do I really want to walk away because of drugs??? yes, there are othere issues,  do I have the energy and strenght to start over at my age.????

all I have is a minium wage job, and a car...
 
Replied By: mavorik on Mar 26, 2014, 3:58PM
I've tried or at least I believe I have, I've envisioned things would be different in many ways one being that ourson would have now been on his own alalthough neither I nor her would forsake him, his wife and two children but it's tough and I didn't think after a long 20 year career and now a veteran continuing working as a civilian I would be in a home with my wife and my mother n law 


I assumed the later but it's now been going on 2 years and nothing has changed and she's made it clear I'm the one that has a problem even though he had recently been involved in a traffic accident and was arrested for dwi


I do love her and as I've stated I've divorced her back in 2003 and remarried with the belief one of our chapters would begin to flourish into the friendship I've longed to have so much so that we began to try date nights that I had suggested that would be great for a few three to four days then backfire because of an argument

47 year old retired after 20 years serving our country, and give her praise for being there beside me all of those 14 years each moment I have, currently employed still as a civilian now, her son works as a mechanic his wife nor mine are reserching careers or actively attempting to compliment themselves in a career or course 
 
Replied By: trickykatlady on Mar 15, 2014, 7:52AM
I divorced my husband after 16 years of marriage. He only worked 4 years out of the marriage. What gets me is that he didn't pay child support for his other two daughters from a previous marriage (his ex never filed to make him pay child support) and even though my daughter was over the age of 12, she still got to live with him. She picked him,because he promised her material things. Even though it was a joint custody, I was never told about anything. The only way I could correspond with him is through e-mail. When I did, it only concerned my daughter. I never got anything accomplished,because it focused on him and how great he was as a person and parent. He would always send messages through my daughter and I would tell her to have him call me. I could never get a response through a call or even e-mail. I had no money to take him back to court. He owed over $30,000 in credit card debts and counting. I had to pay for half of those debts and his utilities.... (6 months) plus his health insurance for 1 year. His house was paid for by me from money I made with a house when I was single. I had to get a better paying job about an hour away from my daughter since I was not making it. Somehow, my daughter has it in her head that I moved to get away from her. After I finished paying child support, half of her co-pays for medical and dental, and her health insurance...........he threatened me through a letter. I could have filed charges against him, but didn't since this is my daughter's dad. It was a very immature letter. My daughter is 22 now. I just mentioned dropping off her birthday gifts and Christmas gifts once. She got very upset. She told me that it was not a good idea because of her dad. So, sometimes, it takes sometime to get her new college address since she has moved every year. I still pay for her health insurance, but it is not enough. Her dad I know pays for her cell phone, car insurance, and gas for her car. I guess, money talks. Who knows, he probably helps her out more. I haven't seen my daughter in over a year. We might talk or text, but it is very rare. Last Christmas, we were just talking about normal things. She got mad and told me I had issues. I don't know why or how. I told her everyone had issues. Then, the conversation was cut short by her. For holidays or her birthdays, she goes to her dad's. I already know, because I have driven by and seen her car. She lies to me about being in town. Her dad's family has never had anything to do with him for several years. They haven't seen my daughter since she was 2 years old. I have a new life with a boyfriend now. Finally, I bought my own place and am going back to get a second master's degree tp possibly pursue my PHD. I don't really know. But,my life goes on. I am hoping that one day she will see the light. If not, my life goes on. 



   
 
Replied By: iifollow on Mar 8, 2014, 7:44PM - In reply to lunahsea
What you describe your husband is doing sounds like what mine does!

He has suffered greatly with anxiety throughout his life, and I fear that he has never learned to cope with anxieties and stress so he puts that energy and anxiety elsewhere.  He makes up worse case scenario stories in his head and then believes that it is real.  He projects his own fears and shortcomings on to me.

I used to hurt so much when he would accuse me of things or overreact to hiccups in life by yelling at me and threatening me!  I don't know how it took me so long, but seven years into our relationship I finally realized that when he gets this way, he becomes completely deluded.  I told him I wasn't going to allow him to abuse me anymore but I would stand by him and get him help because he is a good person and his behavior hurts himself as much as it hurts me.  

That was six months ago, and I have held my ground but he hasn't held up his end of the agreement to seek help and activly work towards healing himself , and he falls back into not handeling his stress and taking it out on me.  Only now he doesn't get a reaction out of me.  I used to cry and fall to the floor and beg for his forgiveness but now I do not react and I ask only for him to leave me alone.  But instead of self regulating he steps up the ante and finally said he was leaving me.  

For a month the only time he speaks to me is to accuse me of sleeping with someone else, or speaking ill of him to friends, he calls me names and says the most hateful things to me.  He is wrecking his life with substances and left his job without word.  He keeps upping the ante trying to get reactions out of me but is destroying his life at the same time!

I feel so lost and hurt because I see someone I love about to hit rock bottom but feel that I have made the right decision to no longer be abused.  I am deeply saddened because while I think he sees him asking for a divorce as a test to see how much I love him, and that I will come back to him like I always do, when I see it as an oppourtunity to really rid my life of the abuse.  I'm just so sad.  I have spent almost a decade with this man, since I was a teenager.  He has been my partner and my lover and now he is leaving.  I am sad for him and for the loss of the relationship and I really need to talk with someone who has gone through it, who can understand how it is to be with a man like that.

I am so sorry you have experienced this to, my heart aches for you and your family!  I am sorry!
 
Replied By: sohopeful1 on Mar 8, 2014, 10:54AM - In reply to kjszyszka
I agree with you, the custody laws need to be overhauled quickly..  Too many children are being treated like property instead of the very precious people that they are.  Many mothers, good, loving mothers are losing custody because they can't afford the attorneys fees.  Children are left without the love and nurturing of a mother in their life.  Mothers are heartbroken and will never be the same.  This is a cruel human rights violation!  Most people can't believe these stories until they know someone involved.  We need a bright light to shine on these courtroom 'torture chambers',  Please Dr. Phil help us fix this.  My son asked me if I had '"enough money to get this fixed".  I feel more like a hostage negotiator than a parent.  I left an abusive relationship with my son.  Leaving was used against me, as were the effects of being in an abusived relationship, so the abuser was granted custody.  Judges are not trained in Domestic violence.  The US needs a DV court, DV should be treated as the crime that it is!
 
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