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Divorce

 
More than half of all marriages end in divorce, but that doesn't make it any less painful for those going through it. How did you start over after your marriage ended? Are you struggling to co-parent with your ex? Discuss your experience here.
Comments
Replied By: fransuzy on Mar 30, 2014, 3:44PM
i have been with my guy for three yrs... lately he has been doing drugs. he works out of town but on weekends he is home,,,he was doing drugs 2 to 3 times a day, so I sent him an email saying that if he continued to do drugs then i would have to make a choice to stay or leave...

well, i really thought he would pick our relationship over drugs...it is not like we are in our 20"s  50's is more like it... i never thought at this stage in my life I would have to deal with drugs...

as he stormed out the door, he said you decide what you want, you can not change an old monkey... I don't do it because I have a problem, I do it because I am confertable...

do I really want to walk away because of drugs??? yes, there are othere issues,  do I have the energy and strenght to start over at my age.????

all I have is a minium wage job, and a car...
 
Replied By: mavorik on Mar 26, 2014, 3:58PM
I've tried or at least I believe I have, I've envisioned things would be different in many ways one being that ourson would have now been on his own alalthough neither I nor her would forsake him, his wife and two children but it's tough and I didn't think after a long 20 year career and now a veteran continuing working as a civilian I would be in a home with my wife and my mother n law 


I assumed the later but it's now been going on 2 years and nothing has changed and she's made it clear I'm the one that has a problem even though he had recently been involved in a traffic accident and was arrested for dwi


I do love her and as I've stated I've divorced her back in 2003 and remarried with the belief one of our chapters would begin to flourish into the friendship I've longed to have so much so that we began to try date nights that I had suggested that would be great for a few three to four days then backfire because of an argument

47 year old retired after 20 years serving our country, and give her praise for being there beside me all of those 14 years each moment I have, currently employed still as a civilian now, her son works as a mechanic his wife nor mine are reserching careers or actively attempting to compliment themselves in a career or course 
 
Replied By: trickykatlady on Mar 15, 2014, 7:52AM
I divorced my husband after 16 years of marriage. He only worked 4 years out of the marriage. What gets me is that he didn't pay child support for his other two daughters from a previous marriage (his ex never filed to make him pay child support) and even though my daughter was over the age of 12, she still got to live with him. She picked him,because he promised her material things. Even though it was a joint custody, I was never told about anything. The only way I could correspond with him is through e-mail. When I did, it only concerned my daughter. I never got anything accomplished,because it focused on him and how great he was as a person and parent. He would always send messages through my daughter and I would tell her to have him call me. I could never get a response through a call or even e-mail. I had no money to take him back to court. He owed over $30,000 in credit card debts and counting. I had to pay for half of those debts and his utilities.... (6 months) plus his health insurance for 1 year. His house was paid for by me from money I made with a house when I was single. I had to get a better paying job about an hour away from my daughter since I was not making it. Somehow, my daughter has it in her head that I moved to get away from her. After I finished paying child support, half of her co-pays for medical and dental, and her health insurance...........he threatened me through a letter. I could have filed charges against him, but didn't since this is my daughter's dad. It was a very immature letter. My daughter is 22 now. I just mentioned dropping off her birthday gifts and Christmas gifts once. She got very upset. She told me that it was not a good idea because of her dad. So, sometimes, it takes sometime to get her new college address since she has moved every year. I still pay for her health insurance, but it is not enough. Her dad I know pays for her cell phone, car insurance, and gas for her car. I guess, money talks. Who knows, he probably helps her out more. I haven't seen my daughter in over a year. We might talk or text, but it is very rare. Last Christmas, we were just talking about normal things. She got mad and told me I had issues. I don't know why or how. I told her everyone had issues. Then, the conversation was cut short by her. For holidays or her birthdays, she goes to her dad's. I already know, because I have driven by and seen her car. She lies to me about being in town. Her dad's family has never had anything to do with him for several years. They haven't seen my daughter since she was 2 years old. I have a new life with a boyfriend now. Finally, I bought my own place and am going back to get a second master's degree tp possibly pursue my PHD. I don't really know. But,my life goes on. I am hoping that one day she will see the light. If not, my life goes on. 



   
 
Replied By: iifollow on Mar 8, 2014, 7:44PM - In reply to lunahsea
What you describe your husband is doing sounds like what mine does!

He has suffered greatly with anxiety throughout his life, and I fear that he has never learned to cope with anxieties and stress so he puts that energy and anxiety elsewhere.  He makes up worse case scenario stories in his head and then believes that it is real.  He projects his own fears and shortcomings on to me.

I used to hurt so much when he would accuse me of things or overreact to hiccups in life by yelling at me and threatening me!  I don't know how it took me so long, but seven years into our relationship I finally realized that when he gets this way, he becomes completely deluded.  I told him I wasn't going to allow him to abuse me anymore but I would stand by him and get him help because he is a good person and his behavior hurts himself as much as it hurts me.  

That was six months ago, and I have held my ground but he hasn't held up his end of the agreement to seek help and activly work towards healing himself , and he falls back into not handeling his stress and taking it out on me.  Only now he doesn't get a reaction out of me.  I used to cry and fall to the floor and beg for his forgiveness but now I do not react and I ask only for him to leave me alone.  But instead of self regulating he steps up the ante and finally said he was leaving me.  

For a month the only time he speaks to me is to accuse me of sleeping with someone else, or speaking ill of him to friends, he calls me names and says the most hateful things to me.  He is wrecking his life with substances and left his job without word.  He keeps upping the ante trying to get reactions out of me but is destroying his life at the same time!

I feel so lost and hurt because I see someone I love about to hit rock bottom but feel that I have made the right decision to no longer be abused.  I am deeply saddened because while I think he sees him asking for a divorce as a test to see how much I love him, and that I will come back to him like I always do, when I see it as an oppourtunity to really rid my life of the abuse.  I'm just so sad.  I have spent almost a decade with this man, since I was a teenager.  He has been my partner and my lover and now he is leaving.  I am sad for him and for the loss of the relationship and I really need to talk with someone who has gone through it, who can understand how it is to be with a man like that.

I am so sorry you have experienced this to, my heart aches for you and your family!  I am sorry!
 
Replied By: sohopeful1 on Mar 8, 2014, 10:54AM - In reply to kjszyszka
I agree with you, the custody laws need to be overhauled quickly..  Too many children are being treated like property instead of the very precious people that they are.  Many mothers, good, loving mothers are losing custody because they can't afford the attorneys fees.  Children are left without the love and nurturing of a mother in their life.  Mothers are heartbroken and will never be the same.  This is a cruel human rights violation!  Most people can't believe these stories until they know someone involved.  We need a bright light to shine on these courtroom 'torture chambers',  Please Dr. Phil help us fix this.  My son asked me if I had '"enough money to get this fixed".  I feel more like a hostage negotiator than a parent.  I left an abusive relationship with my son.  Leaving was used against me, as were the effects of being in an abusived relationship, so the abuser was granted custody.  Judges are not trained in Domestic violence.  The US needs a DV court, DV should be treated as the crime that it is!
 
Replied By: momcat3024 on Mar 3, 2014, 10:03PM - In reply to kls1966
I'm so sorry to hear that your marriage ended in divorce.  Sounds like you didn't want it to end.  But first things first.  Do you have a roof over your head?  Figure out how to get that if you don't.  Do you have job skills or have you always worked at home?  TAke baby steps to get each thing accomplished that you need to do to survive.  It's hard when you have always been taken care of to now have to do that for yourself.  Once you do figure it all out you will be so much happier in living your life on your terms.  Happiness is something that comes from within ourselves.  No one else can make you happy but you.  Move on and find your own identity.
 
Replied By: kjszyszka on Feb 22, 2014, 10:07PM
In the United States the laws for divorce and custody need to change. It shouldn't be centered around who can spend the most money and who is better at lying. It is supposed to be what is best for the kids but sadly it is not. It's a money making buisness that destroys families. This is destroying our kids. Why is it that some spouses will get alimony, health insurance and others married the same amount of years get nothing. I was lucky to get what was called "family support". This was not consistent or the amount that was set by the court. I ended up having to allow my kids go live with there dad and I was forced to live with my  parents. I lived an hour and a half away from the kids which made it very difficult to see them. I should have not had to choose between being homeless with my kids or let them live an hour and a half away with my exhusband. He wasn't supervising them or guiding them. They were left to do there own laundry and fend for themselves for dinner. He housed them but did not parent them. He even had the younger kids move into the garage with no central heat or air conditioning. He rented out their rooms to help pay the house payment. He charged the oldest rent and tried to get her to take care of the younger kids. This situation was ridiculous and I had no money to keep fighting him. To make matters worse our marriage ended because he was cheating with MEN. That's right he was gay but in denial. He had a partner only 2 weeks after we separated. He rented rooms to 2 gay men. Now I am for gay rights but this situation was not a emotionally healthy for kids that just found out their dad is gay. This is and was so wrong. There is no set laws or rules when it comes to alimony so the spouse can take care of their kids. I was a full time stay at home mom for most of our 17 year marriage. Why didn't I get alimony or health insurance. I moved in with my parents while he owned a home he obviously couldn't afford. The ;kids  were not his priority he was too busy adjusting to his new life style. This was not in the best interest of our kids. Getting divorced is painful enough than loosing the house, car, and my kids. I also had to deal with a ex-husband who was in denial about being gay. So wrong and I am not the only straight spouse although at the time I thought I was the only one going through this unspoken situation. I stayed silent as I was told by an inexperienced counselor that it was not up to me to out him. I now know I have a right to share my story as it is my life and my story. He stepped out of the closet when he chose to cheat with men. I am speaking out to hopefully make a change and to educate the public, our friends and families. I am a member of the Straight Spouse Network founded by Amity Pierce Buxton. We need support , understanding, empathy, trained therapist and attorneys



Karen Szyszka.



Karen Szyszka
 
Replied By: urainav on Feb 11, 2014, 11:04PM - In reply to sanye79
I CAN TOTALLY RELATE TO YOUR SITUATION. MY EXBOYFRIEND WAS THE SAME WAY. WE BROKE UP ABOUT 2 MONTHS AGO. HE WOULD HAVE EPISODES LIKE THAT AND I JUST GOT FED UP. HE WOULD KEEP TELLING ME THAT IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN AND I WOULD CONVINCE MYSELF THAT HE MEANT IT. WE WERE TOGETHER FOR ALMOST 9 YEARS. YOU JUST HAVE TO REMIND YOURSELF THAT IF YOU KEEP LETTING IT HAPPEN THEN THAT WILL BE THE SITUATION FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. YOU DONT DESERVE IT. MY EX STARTED SEEING SOMEONE ABOUT A MONTH AGO BECAUSE OF HIS INSECURITY. I REALLY SHOWED ME HOW MUCH I MEANT TO HIM..
 
Replied By: cheryncp on Jan 17, 2014, 4:43PM - In reply to buckeyeharley
I am a 62 year old female, that divorced in my mid 50's after raising 3 children I decided it was time to get out of my marriage due to infidelity and alcoholism on my ex-husbands part. We were married (or I should say I was) for 35 years. I left the house taking nothing but my clothes and personal belongings. I worked full time as I had always done during my marriage and I had saved enough to get by. It was excruciating both mentally and emotionally I won't tell you it was easy in the beginning because that would be a lie. Through a friend I heard about a divorce care group at a church near my apartment and I started attending the class and found strength and a sense of belonging with others my age going through the same or similar things. From there I joined a singles classat the church where I learned more about God and I made many wonderful friends, ladies mostly because I did not trust my feelings to become friends with men yet. From there I joined the church and got involved in many activities one of which was the missions group where I met the man I would eventually marry. It was a long road and it was not always smooth but I would not trade the lessons I learned for anything. After 5 years of single life I did something I thought I would never do again, I re-married. My husband became my best friend long before we knew God had brought us together for more than friendship. He is kind, compassionate and gentle, just exactly what I needed after the mental and emotional abuse I had suffered for so many long, lonely years with my ex-husband. I hope my story helps you in some small way and please know that I was happy being single and took that time to get to know myself and what I wanted out of life before I even entertained the idea of getting involved in a serious relationship.
 
Replied By: buckeyeharley on Jan 14, 2014, 1:54PM
I always see shows about younger people and what they have been through, as far as divorce, co-parenting, ect.....I always hate to see that because of the children.


What I want to see more of is people at the end of a divorce, moving forward, and still wanting to live an active, fun lifestyle at the age of 60 +.  You do hear some things, but not close to growing in a long relationship for the next 20 or 30 years.  I'm just finishing my divorce. Stayed 5 yrs. too long and have been out living alone for over a year, and I don't particularly feel I want to spend the rest of my life alone...I love to be in love, but it has been so long I almost forget the feeling.  I was married 16 years. Together a little longer, married him twice, so didn't get it the first time and married him again 17 years later.  Most of it has not been good...So I'm moving forward, and I want to feel that romantic love again....but I am not interested in making another bad choice because I settled?
 
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