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Family

 
Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
Comments
Replied By: josnj11 on Dec 18, 2014, 11:53AM
I am the mother of a 17 year old girl.  We monitor her cell phone usage/apps/text messages, etc on a regular basis.  However, I'm starting to feel that we are the only ones doing that based on conversations I have had with some other parents here locally.  I know there is a fine line between concern and their privacy.  How much is too much?  Also, how have you addressed something you saw online that you felt was not appropriate?
 
Replied By: foreverhurting on Dec 13, 2014, 8:50AM
I envy everyone who has family. I am completely alone. No family, extended family, or friends. Well my parents bother and sister are alive but the all want nothing to do with me. I am tired of being alone, but afraid to leave my apartment. People are mean, cruel, and uncaring. Where was all this help when I was going through abuse? Example my mother was taking me to high school after a orthodontic appointment, I told her senior girls (big obese) were throwing me into lockers, beating me up in the bathrooms. She told me to stop being Such a spineless worm and stick up for myself. you know how parents give their children little cute nicknames well my sisters name was honeybun(Trina) my brothers was Timmer(Tim) my nicknames were booger, and wiener. I lost any hope of trying to get my family back. When I lost my daughter my mother won. I haven't seen my daughter since she was 16, she's now 27. Married to a man I never met, and I have a grandson I have never met. She has made it very clear she doesn't want anything, to do with me. Through 2006 - 2009 I went through ECT TREATMENTS for severe depression, bipolar, and s bunch of other stuff I been diagnosed having. I know I went through abuse. But I dont know what I did to make my whole entire family hate me. The ECT'S effected my memory and I dont remember what I did that was so bad that everyone family, extended family didnt want anything to do with me. Dr. Phil, I am tired of being alone. My Thanksgiving I sat here in my apartment alone and just cried. Christmas is gonna be the same. No tree no decorations. I hate family holidays, I hate my life if you call sitting here day after day afraid to leave my apartment, cause so many ppl have hurt me. I am afraid to leave my home. I talk to no one in my complex. Its for 65+ & physical & mentally disabled. Its like living in hell. I have no one to talk to, I guess I respect the person you are so sorry for unloading on you. I'm tired of just existing. I have nothing, if I died today nobody would care. No one would cry over me. Why am I even here? Nobody cares for someone like me. Dr Phil, you have a good heart I am begging for help. You help all kinds of people but can you help a woman who has survived sexual, verbal, mental abuse? I have nothing. I am 48 soon to be 49 March 9th. It will be just like anything other day, I will sit here alone like I always do. You know I wanted to end my life several times, I even attempted suicide back on Dec. 18 2001. I overdosed on a huge country crock tub filled with pills. I flat lined 3 times but they got me back. I was in ICU for a week on Life support for a while. After I was discharged a police officer took me to a place called charter by the sea. A mental facility. I called my mom and dad and asked them to come down I was living n GA. at the time. Mother said no she had two tickets nonrefundable tickets to Japan. I begged her to come down she said no and hung up. Im glad I made it, cause in 2007 i met the one, My true love. He passed away May 31st 12:10 am. I had to take him off life support, I was his medical power of attorney.The entire time Tim Flahive (fiancee) and I were together his brother acted like I was family. He lived in Florida still does. The day he died his brother said he hated my guts. He changed the locks on the house locked the garbage doors, took the plates of his car, took the keys. I wasn't involved in the reading of Tim's will, or where he wanted to be cremated. Nothing. He didnt even follow through with his promises to Tim. Saying he will look out for me and I would be taken care of after he was gone. He told Tim dont waste your money changing your will, I would be taken care of. He didn't even give Tim memorial service. He just wanted all our friends to come over and grill out drink up jam to tunes and remember the good times. He told them there was no service per my request cause I didn't want to deal with ppl. Every one of our friends turned on me. I lost every friend I had. The things I got from the house I was lucky to get. But my small apartment looks like a warehouse. I dont know where to put it all. I can't afford storage. I dont have internet or cable I just have a smart phone Tim got me. Trying to pay off two credit cards that I used to help Tim out with repairs around the house and thingd he needed. See Tim had MS , AFIB, a enlarged heart, and diabetes. I knew this when we met all those years ago in a Wisconsin yahoo chat room. Ppl have judged me all my life and left me due to my mental disorders/disabilities. I told him my whole life story, he told me his. I researched MS and everything else and I knew at some point I would have to care for him, and I did. I am so in love with him, still to this day, he was the love of my life. The last year of his life was hard on me. The MS was effecting his brain. He became verbally abusive. So I made post its and wrote on the Tim Tina is only trying to help you, think before you speak. Your ms is effecting your brain. Others said I love you, etc..the day I signed the papers to take him off last fe support (Drs told me he had a tear in the major artery in the heart the aortic valve the tear was in the inside and Tim was bleeding into the sheath of the valve. The tear was from the neck down past his groin.) They told me he was brain dead and the prognosis was imminent death. He was ambulance to the DR on May 25th he had a bloody nose and was throwing up blood for 4 hours before he came and woke me. I was on my second day of cycle and I was cramping badly so I layed down and took a nap. Why he waited 4 hours I dont know. They put two balloons in his nose to stop the bleeding, but they couldn't get his blood pressure down and his oxygen levels were very low so they admitted him into ICU. I went back to the house to get a few things and when I got back they had put him in an induced coma. They said he became combative talking to ppl that were not there. Pulled out one of the balloons he started bleeding again and aspirated some of the blood. Now he has neumonia. They were telling me it was alcohol withdrawal. I told them no way I cut his intake to two small shots a day. Something else was wrong. They tried to wake him up two days in and nothing. They did a bunch of tests and found the tear. He became combative cause he wasn't getting enough oxygen cause he was bleeding out. The ppl he was talking to they told me the names. They all passed away, he was seeing the other side, cause he was dieing. The day he died I died.. I tried to carry on. By going to the gym, I tried socializing. All people did was either steal from me or used me and then hurt me. All people do is hurt me and I want the pain in my heart and head to stop. I have the means to end my life. Sodium Cyanide. I have to find reasons every day not to do it. Dr Phil I'm tired of hurting, I want out. I'm tired of struggling trying to pay bills that his brother should of paid off. I been typing on my phone for 4 hours to you. I thought you all cared but you didnt. No one cares, like I said if I were to die no one would shed a tear. No one would care. I am completely alone. Can you give me a reason why I should sts y in this living hell? Why am I here? I am a waste of space! I hate feeling like this and I hate my stupid useless life! I doubt even you Dr. Phil could help me. I am to messed up But n the head. So many people have hurt me, even drs. It is difficult to trust, so I dont let ppl in. I have no therapist, or shrink.. they dropped me and my dr was not happy. But that's another long story. I won't hurt myself today, I really do need help. I have a eating disorder balemia. I use laxitives and water pills. Sorry if I wasted your time. I bet I even messed this up.
 
Replied By: pumpkinchick on Dec 7, 2014, 8:09PM
We live in a small community where people would think we are a perfect or at least good, well respected family.  But the rift between my sister and I escalated into a full family feud a couple of years ago.  I finally had enough of all the jealousy, resentment going on.  Not to mention grown children "telling" on my son even though they were all doing the same thing or worse.  My sisters's family didn't believe I should be living in my home which I rent from my parents.  We are constantly under a microscope and being judged.  When I FINALLY blew my stack and wrote them all a letter, I became the bad guy.  The one who caused all the problems even though I had kept my mouth shut for years.  I tried talking to them, requesting respect and privacy, but they continued on. Almost to the point of bullying by my niece to me and my son and my son's fiance. When I asked for help I was told my sister's kids were adults, then asked if I was going to church, quoted scriptures and told what I and my son were doing wrong.  I have worked 35+ plus years and suffered a lot of physical pain as well as cancer and 20 surgeries.  I pay rent and not a freeloader just sittting around taking advantage of my parents.  I had to write the letter because no one was listening.  Or as my counselor put it, they were listening, they just ignored me.  I've mad mistakes, I've had issues, but I do NOT need people reminding me constantly of what I've done or my son.  Especially when the same things are going on on their side of the family.  For example:  My son worked off and on-- had issues.  My niece lost her job, her nursing license, her home and is living in her parents basement, but continues to harass my son about HIS life!! I get comments about my going to Happy Hour with my friends but their son has been picked up twice, once for drugs.  Their daughter-in-law drank while pregant, but they lecture ME?  They've kept bringing their dogs to and in my home after being asked not to and actually encouraged them to chase - attack my cats.  Since the issues have happened we have had separate family get togethers and they only speak when in public so no one knows what is going on.  My parents are torn up and have become distraught and depressed over what is happening.  If they try to talk to the other side it's like they are taking my side.  Basically I just stood up and fought back for myself after years of keeping quite to keep the peace.  Obviously that didn't work either.  It's actually been peaceful for me, but my parents are in the middle and basically just going downhill fast.  I'd LOVE to get a good Dr. Phil intervention, but I think my parents would be mortified!!  I know there are a lot worse things going on in the world, but when I went to my counselor who also put me on some meds both had the same question:  What took you so long?  So I know I'm not crazy.   If it weren't for my parents and if I owned my own home that wasn't involved in this, I'm be more than happy to let the family who only accepts me for what they want me to be.  (I live in a family home that I pay rent in as in "rent to own" due to assorted issues like splitting up and surveying where they can't sell it to me, but it's mine....the other side just doesn't see it that way or respect that it's my home).  Christmas is now just something to "get through" and not a celebration.  Which is sad.  Even sadder? This family who has been putting me and my son down and bullying us call themselves "Christians" and are ministers!!  For now, we just say we're busy and don't get seen together much.  Sad.  I read somewhere once :Envy and Jealousy are Poison". AMEN!!
 
Replied By: robert76 on Dec 5, 2014, 8:11AM
Ok, here's my story. My fiance is 43 yrs old and she is currently on dialysis. Her son is beyond out of control. He has called her all kinds of awful things and really he has actually crossed the line a couple times by putting his hands on her. He lives in our house and he has no job, no education and no respect. He does zero around here to help out and he wants everything handed to him.

Our relationship is strained due to him. I can't say nothing about the kid negative, If I do, it becomes an argument. To be completely honest, I do not like him, at all and I used to feel bad about it but I really don't anymore.


I am at my wits end and I need advice on how to handle this. Please.....
 
Replied By: baybgirl101 on Dec 3, 2014, 5:13PM
My family is so different...they dont talk to me at all, mom thinks I dont exist..I dont know what else to do to make her see I am her child too....we all live in the same town, and they have family get to gethers...and im not invited ...I feel so aweful and left out....she is slowly tearing me apart and I dont know what to do......
 
Replied By: shristimystery on Dec 2, 2014, 10:08AM - In reply to jackievw
THAnks for reply , I feel a lot better that someone is else feels similarly
 
Replied By: coalminerd1 on Dec 1, 2014, 12:01PM
We are living as a Blended family, my son his new wife, his kids and her kids.  And us, his elderly parents,  it's a lot of people, trying to blend together.  The problem is, in the last couple of months, two of the children left  the household, and not willing to come back.  Her 13 year old step son, and his 8 year old daughter.  My husband and I raised my sons daughter for 6 years.  Both he and their mother had abused drugs and went to jail, prison, off and on, during those years.  When I found out I had breast cancer in May of 2011, since their mother was straight, and married a nice guy, and the kids had finally gotten to know their mother, I let them go with her while I had my cancer treatments. My son was serving out his time in prison at the time.  In Jan 2012, my son was able to come home, and be a father again.  He has finally grown up and taken responsibility.  He is married to a woman who is good for him.  all the kids have issues, her two stepchildren were abused and abandoned when they were very young, their mom and dad were into drugs.  Our two granddaughters  have problems too.  The 11 year old does not get along with her mother, so one day her mother put her in the car, and dropped her off at her fathers house.  She told her to live with her Dad and she is not allowed to have any of her clothes or possessions.  She threatens to sell all her stuff


.  The 8 year old has been the favorite and spoiled by her mother in the 3 years she has had them.    
 
Replied By: PBugz1952 on Nov 21, 2014, 6:17PM
I  have two sons I'm  divorsed for 32 yrs. My x got divorsed last year and is in a new relationship. She has asked me to come over for Christmas dinner. Don't know if I should or if it is right. What should I do?
 
Replied By: marjoriemother on Nov 19, 2014, 6:05PM - In reply to amr466
I am in the same siruarion except i am by byself.I just want to say i am with you in prayers and thoughts. I wish i had the answer both for you and for myself. My family was very close but both my parents are dead and my sons velieve my husband so i am the one that did wrong and am not inclided . It hurts so much. I  pray that somehow i can get my family back again. I know this isn't helping you but i wanted to let you know that you are not alone
 
Replied By: missygram on Nov 19, 2014, 4:20PM
He Sings


 


He sits beside me in my bed in the dark and he sings. His voice is clear and clean and his pitch is perfect, a family curse. Every song he knows, he sings, in an order that is important to him. He is upset if you try to change it. You can tell what song he sings by the tune and the few words in each one he can pronounce. Bah Bah …have you…yes sir yes sir…full. He sings, but he has a hard time talking.

 He had a hard time laughing too, but he has conquered it now. His laugh is a thing of delight, a thing of the most singular joy. When he was six months old I asked his mother, “Are you worried that he does not laugh? “No”, she said, “He laughs at home.”

“Oh.” I said. I am troubled by the fact that without actual evidence, I don’t believe her. My home sucks the joy from him? I (known as the baby whisperer by my family) can not figure out how to amuse a six month old baby? I do amuse him. You can see the hilarity in his eyes, but he seems unable to let it out.  I begin to try to teach him to laugh, holding his hands to my face as I pretend, reacting with over-broad excitement at any small guttural expulsion of breath. From smile to grunt to ha! to chortle to guffaw, we slowly forge a trail to laughter. After weeks of working on it we demonstrate his new ability to his mother. “See?” she says. “I told you he could laugh.”


When he was about twenty months old I asked his mother. Do you worry that he cannot say a single word? No, she said. That’s all she said.

His brain damage is such, said the speech therapist, that his brain does not know where his tongue and lips are in space. Where his tongue and lips are in space… I try to imagine how that must be. A new path must be found for every sound in a word, and the finding is hard. We try to scatter bread crumbs from his brain to his mouth. He works hard at it. He gathers his brow and stares hard at our mouths. Sometimes he grabs my face to feel the words coming out. He wants to tell me things. He knows he needs this help.

 “I like how you work!” the speech therapist, a miracle worker, says when he gets it wrong. We all applaud when he gets it right. Those who are there applaud. His mother has never come to a session. “I have to work.” She says. We all have to work. My son scheduled the sessions on her days off at first, but when she declined to show up, we made them convenient for ourselves.

“How is he progressing?” asks the developmental pediatrician. “About two hundred words, half of those clear, and he is making short sentences now.” says my son.  “I have been working so hard on his therapy at my home.” his mother says. My son just looks at her. She has him two days a week and hasn’t got a clue how to work with him. He doesn’t argue with her. Most of the boy’s doctors are females. They always leap to her defense when he says anything unflattering about her.

This one, for instance, at their first meeting, when he brought up the mother’s recently discovered drinking during pregnancy, jumped in and said, “Before you knew you were pregnant right? … A glass of wine with dinner?” “Yes,” she smiles, looking straight at him in triumph, “before I knew.”  She has left him for the cable guy, makes this known and implies that anything he says stems from bitterness. They buy it every time. She is very good at this sort of thing. She has spent her life at it.

The pediatrician refuses to diagnose Fetal Alcohol Effect. “You have dyslexia,” she tells my son, even though she now knows the extent of the drinking. “How do we know it is not related to that?”  She has admitted no doctor is likely to diagnose FEA as long as the mother denies the drinking. There are “legal implications” she says. For whom, I wonder.


He is bitter of course, but not about the cable guy so much. He is bitter about his little boy and the broken pathway from his brilliant brain to his mouth. We all are. I want to tell everyone she knows what a selfish lying sociopath she is. I want her to admit what her customers and coworkers told me. I know that she drank most days of her pregnancy. She did it at work, giving herself time to sober up before going home. My son was watching her at home. He thought it was enough. It wasn’t.

I know it is not productive but I want to hurt her. I want her to pay in some way for what she has done and continues to do to her children. I tell myself that what comes around goes around, but in truth, I have not lived to see most of the evil people I have known suffer for their misdeeds. I know it is not my job to punish her but I fervently wish it was. The thing that keeps me from saying all the things I would like to is that it would not hurt her as much as it would hurt my grandchildren in the long run. She will retaliate for the truth with lies. She is more convincing when lying than most people are when telling the truth.

 I am not actually a big believer in revenge. I have been ashamed the few times I have indulged in it. I have never regretted the hateful things that I have not done. So I am quiet.

Sometimes when he stays with me he has trouble sleeping. I turn out all the lights and cover all the electrical things that glow in the dark, hoping it will help him. I bring him into my bed so that he doesn’t keep his sister awake. I struggle to stay awake and he sings. His voice is clean and clear and his pitch is perfect.
 
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