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Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
Replied By: ciezee on Aug 30, 2014, 1:02PM
I need helpful advice. I am absolutely making myself sick about daughter’s living arrangements, and I don’t know what else to do. It is with the last bit of hope in me that someone will see this and talk me through this. I wouldn’t care if it didn’t involve my six-year old grandson and a grandbaby that’s due to be born in about five months.

 My daughter moved out of the house when she was 17 at the advice of a, ahem, ‘psychiatrist’. She developed epilepsy at the age of 14 as a result of what was to be discovered a traumatic brain injury at the age of three when our family car was violently hit by a drunk driver (March 13, 1991). She had her first seizure on June 15, 2001.

Her personality took a 180º spin. She went from a quiet, shy girl with a *good*, close friends to a promiscuous, violent, fighting, smart-mouthed teenager every parent dreads. On January 31, 2007, she called me on my first day at a new job to tell me she was pregnant. Our precious grandson was born via planned c-section on October 1, 2007. She and her “baby daddy” got married nearly nine years after they met (June 29, 2012). She’s been hinting for about a year that she wanted to have another baby, but I point-blank told her she had no such business doing so: 1) she hasn’t finished her high school education; 2) She hasn’t had a lesionectomy that could potentially cure the epilepsy; and 3) her husband, for whatever reason, won’t get a legitimate job. They are all living on my daughter’s SSI check and his mom’s Social Security check, which combined is less than my monthly SSDI check. I’m 95% sure of that.

 Oh yeah. I forgot to mention. They just got evicted from the tiny 2 bedroom bungalow they’d been renting for the past 5.5 years. They have one week from today (or until September 6th) to get out.

 I don’t want to be an enabler. They clearly got themselves into this mess, but it’s my grandchildren that concern me. There’s a LOT more to this story; however, this is where I will leave it for now. I’m so angst-ridden that I’ve made myself sick.

Will someone please help me?
Replied By: tx2006girl on Jul 30, 2014, 5:06PM
I could really use a little advice in this situation. I am having problems with my relationship with my MIL and FIL which is causing marital problems with my husband.

My husband and I started trying to have our first child in March 2005. In May 2005 we discovered we were pregnant we decided to share the news at a family reunion in May. So I announce the PG and my MIL immediately chimes in that she will be at the delivery. She did this in front of a room full of relatives and I responded that no, she would not be there. This set the tone for the down hill slide in our relationship. And here are the things that continued to happen over the last eight years:

The show up at the hospital when our son was born and immediately begin taking flash pictures right in his face. I let them take a couple and then since I was still imobile from an emergency C-section I told them to give me the baby and get out. I could tell the bright flash was bothering my son. My husband was a work when they showed up. 

My MIL somehow finds out when we are going to go home for the hospital and shows up unannounced and uninvited at our apartment. I go into the bathroom to change the baby and then go into our bedroom and shut the door to breastfeed our son. 

She makes comments about breastfeeding for the entire year that I was nursing and when she does see our son, she will say things to him instead of to me, for example she would say, when is  mommy going to stop breastfeeding so I can take you home with me?

She constantly made comments about having my son overnights in her home, but not to, just in front of me and to my son who was too young to understand really. 

Both MIL and FIL made comments to my son before age two about getting a haircut because we let his hair grow long. Not to me and just to my son. 

I finally just stopped going to events where they were going to be present and did not allow my son to spend the night with them until he was about 4. 

ILs own property in an adjacent state. It has a dilapidated house on it and a travel trailer they stay in when they go visit this property. They have repeatedly asked to take him to this state. I am not comfortable with this so I always say no. Over the last few years, they  have started asking my son, "When is mommy going to let you come to LA with us?" 

A couple of weeks ago they again asked to take my son out of state, to a different state, about 12 hours from here. Husband and I discussed it and decided that he could not go. Last week my son went to stay with them overnight and he came home and said to me"Why can't I go to other state with ILs" He is almost in tears, very upset. 

I am very frustrated with my ILs behavior. I think it is passive aggresive and manipulative. And I suspect my husband is putting all the blame on me for not allowing our son to go instead of presenting a united front. I decided that my son is not allowed to visit at the inlaws home anymore. They can come here, we can go out somewhere, but I think that they are using my child against me and I am angry. Please give me your thoughts. 

Replied By: june21rose on Jul 19, 2014, 3:05PM
Ever since I can remember, my family has been in conflict for over 50 years, since my parents first got married. And ever since that time, while growing up, we four children of theirs had one goal in mind and nothing else: to escape our parents' stranglehold. The degree of control and stranglehold that my parents have had on their adult children has been insurmountable. They acted like real despots, trying to have monopoly and control over their adult children, especially myself. With their house rules and regulations, their controlling and domineering behaviour, all this warranted that they should seek the services of psychiatrists and psychologists, which they never did, nor accepted to do, while they continually exerted extremely cruel behaviour. What's really strange is that my mother watches the Dr. Phil show, daily, religiously, since at least 10 or 15 years, yet she never applies any of Dr. Phil's advice to her life or our life at home. She continues to have a diabolical character, along with my father. When we tell them to downsize and get a smaller home to live in, they don't listen, they don't want to sell and they don't want to move, yet they are living beyond their means and have been doing so for a long time. That is why they are constantly enraged.
Replied By: unhapless on Jun 20, 2014, 9:09AM
I am probably a schizoid, i have zero friends, very few emotions most I have to fake, smiles, laughs and loves. I don't even know what love is suppose to be or what I say hold any true meaning. This started when I was 13, and for the most part, through the depression, I have learn to live like this. Everything I just said I am perfectly okay with, now I am sure the rest of the world isn't, but thats another story.

The real issue I having is I am with someone who I am more or less married too, we are just not legally married due to her horrble debt. We have a high energy son. And the very reason I am writing this, is its getting to the point where my anger is getting out of control. I am not hurting them physically, but I will bust in rage, punching the floor, destroying what is around me. My partner has begged me to calm down, and not act this way. She has become scared of my reactions, and scared that next time I might hurt our son.

Now, we have spoke about this extensively, and more or less it boils down to this. The first statement about being a schizoid is probably true. I need my alone time, its how I recharge my batteries. I need to be in a place with no noise, dim lights, and letting myself do what I enjoy most. However its a stuggle to make that happen, if I get that time, she doesn't get that time with me. So I've not gotten that time to myself, which makes myself upset. Worst is this flows into work as well, my coworkers have seen some uglier sides as well.

Overall I am unhappy, and it hard to even explain what I feel. Honestly when I look at what I have, it seems like I was selfish for going into this relationship and even more selfish to bringing a child into this world. I become sad thinking about what I've done, its not fair to them. I do not have the emotions they need... I've tried my best to fake as mush as possible, but at the end of the day I just cannot kept it up. I become upset, agressive and snap at both of them, breaking out in rage is certainly not helping the situation either. Considering my current position, I don't care about myself right now, I can be happy later, however I don't know how to approach my partner this time around. Last time I told her half truths, as I've never told anyone that I do not have all the emotions they thinks I have. The only reason I would even bring this up, is to help her understand myself, but thinking every time I say "Your beautiful" or "I love you", or "That was fun", she will then know that in reality I don't give two cents about any of that.

On top of that she use to be bi-polar, and was on meds, she got off the meds but really never was clear to be off them. She went through postpartum depression and I was to care for our son, cook, clean, etc, the second I came home until I went back to work, that lastest for 13 months living on 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I am getting more sleep now(3-5 hours) but she still wants the break she had from when I get home, until I go back to work.
Replied By: wingedrunner on Jun 12, 2014, 10:12PM - In reply to ginnycarter
Unless he has invited you to hear your opinion on his parenting, I would suggest to stay out of it. That is his family, his daughters and his life to manage not yours. If he and his wife are looking into classes then let them do that in peace. If he is being resistant to counsel, then let him do that too in peace. There is no reason that you should be interfereing with his lifestyle unless he has given you access to do so.

Im wondering what suggestions you are needing???? It is not your job to manage his parenting style...manage yourself and your time with the girls and thats that. Sure, it might be hard to see his choices not resemble your past family lifestyle but that is life, and free will. Honestly, unless he is abusive, or tearing the family apart there is nothing you can do but manage your time well with your grand kids.

In order for change to happen, there has to be connection. If there is no connection between you two to actually speak into his life, then you are going to be wasting your time. WHat are you trying to accomplish with this post???? just curious.
Replied By: ginnycarter on Jun 11, 2014, 12:55PM
I am so blessed to have 2 beautiful granddaughters - soon to be 2 and 5 yrs. old.  And my husband and I love to have them spend time with us on a regular basis.  We have "Family Dinner Night" every Tuesday with our adult sons, daughter-in-law and granddaughters and typically get together for a lunch or dinner on Sundays as well.  We also get to have them spend the night about every other weekend which we love.

Here is our challenge - more so with our older granddaughter and we see it starting more and more with our younger granddaughter - tears and expressions of wanting to stay at Grandma's.  I know the problem is that there is such a variance between how my husband and I are with the girls versus how they are at home with their parents - more so my son how has little patience.  I give the girls time-outs when appropriate but I must say it is seldom that a change in my tone of voice and "stern" eye contact aren't enough to resolve any issues with our older granddaughter.

The joy we get from spending time together as a family is frequently overshadowed with a tension filled - often with my son being in a state of anger for their whining - departure.  I have had discussions with our son about his lack of patience and his qickness to get angry at the girls, but to no avail.  His wife is trying to get them to attend together a county run Parenting Solutions 8-week class but he is very resistent.

Any suggestions would be helpful.  It is hard to see our son in the role of father that is nothing like how he was fathered as a child.
Replied By: melyndab72 on Jun 10, 2014, 9:18PM
I was just wondering if anyone else struggles with courts to acknowledge the rights of a birth father who wants to be with his child. My son is 22 and has an 8 month old daughter, my first grandchild. The mother walked out on him  6 weeks ago to live with another guy. My son had his daughter providing for her and taking care of her, with me watching her while he worked. The mom would pick her up once a week sometimes for less than 20 hours. She picked her up this week as a last minute thing 3 hours later than what they agreed to. My son told her she needs to talk to him about when she wants to take their daughter. She got angry with him and said since they were never married legally she has full custody of her and she will pick her up anytime she wants. My son said fine I think we need to file the papers with court to establish the guidelines. Now she is saying she is not bringing her back in 2 days like they had agreed. She said she is keeping her for a week. My son asked who would watch their daughter while she worked since she works 3rd shift. She informed him that her boyfriend's parents would be watching her. My son tried to call several places to get advice on what he should do and every place he called treated him like garbage. Really need to know if anyone else has faced this and what can be done.

Heartbroken in Ohio,
Replied By: smartgal2014 on Jun 10, 2014, 2:08PM
I have been estranged from my 26 y.o. son for the past 5 yrs.  To give some background, I have been divorced from my ex for 12 yrs.  After being divorced for 4 yrs, my ex came out of the closet and declared him to be a homosexual.  Found-out he had been living a double life for our entire marriage.  Several yrs after coming-out, he was reported for sexual abusing clients (he was a psychotherapist), and lost his SW license.  This had very serious consequences for our whole family.  I truly believe he is a sociopath and has no conscience, but is very charming, funny, and sociable. My son and I had, what I thought to be, a good relationship.  One day he asked me to join him in his therapy session, proceeded to read me a disturbing letter blaming me for things that truly had never happened.  Since that time, he has fully aligned himself with his father, rarely speaks to me and has moved out-of-state.  Oh, and I found-out from other family members that he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.  I have attempted to mend our rift by seeking therapy for myself, allowing my son his space, maintaining contact via weekly phone calls, e-mails. At times he is friendly, but other times is hostile and cruel.  I believe my ex encourages this behavior because of his own narcisistic needs.  This is breaking my heart and my grief is often unbearable.  

Need suggestions on how to handle this situation and if it's repairable.  It is affecting me to such a great extent, it is hard for me to manage my day-to-day affairs and live a healthy life.

Replied By: robinrl2011 on Jun 10, 2014, 10:17AM
I am almost 51 years old and been looking for my birth father for several years. I finally found him only to find that he suffers from some mental illness and is in a hospital somewhere in California. My 2 half brothers willnot or cannot tell me which hospital. I am the first born and evidently no one knew about me and my mom. I know that he never will remember me but I would like to locate the hospital so I can fulfill one of my mom' s last wishes, for me finally to see him even if it is through a glass window. This has been a very emotional journey and I want to put it behind me. 

IF anyone works in the Health Care field in California and can help I would be eternally grateful. I would think he is a ward of the state at this point but Ca. is a very big state.

Thank you

Replied By: lyricsend on Jun 9, 2014, 9:45PM
I ask for help for our family we have been suffering from homelessness for a while and the enemy came two years ago and released turmoil and trauma on our family broken us up and now we are separated by three states and still in lack of income, lack of love, lack of housing, and we are still in this struggle that started in 2004, i lost marriage, kids, housing, and income and i have tried to get stable and back on my feet and at all cost i have sacrificed and i am still in a valley. One now that is affecting my whole family and my grandbabies. we need to be free and redeemed and to be elevated to our level of purpose. I need prayer for strength to fight another day, I have been praying for my mate the man to share my life with for 7 years and i need people to pray with and for me, I pray for a good car so we can get around like we need to, so i can go to school change my life and get a job. I am weary and i am tired its a 10 year battle i have been in, Please pray for the Cummings, Ragland, Eves, and Pearson family today please thank you...
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