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Family

 
Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
Comments
Replied By: lakeeriestorm on Apr 16, 2014, 9:18AM
I don't know where I'd be without my family. My cousin's are my best friends, I talk to my aunt, grandma, and mom at least once a week. We go on vacations together and spend a lot of time just hanging out with each other.

My husband's family, on the other hand, are so distant from each other. I have to nag my husband to call his parents on holidays and they hardly ever see each other. It makes me so sad to think about what they are missing out on!

When my husband's brother was struggling with depression after his divorce and spiraled down to a pretty bad place - doing drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd, homeless and eating out of dumpsters - my husband basically just wrote him off. Didn't try to talk to him or help him in any way. My fear is what if he does that to me and our children? Will he turn his back on us at some point in life?

Family is forever. Love them. Embrace them. Stand strong for them.
 
Replied By: ssoganty on Apr 15, 2014, 4:59PM - In reply to megan0604
Hi Megan-

You are right to be very concerned, I think.  Your FIL-to-be sounds as if he is on a power & control mission,  Seriously, he won't change.

My dad was much like this...and step-m was even worse.  I moved far away and married exactly who he detested.  Amazingly, without the religious drama we had a good mariage for 32 years even though 'they' said we'd be 'better off' having kids, being XX-church members, etc.

Dad died at age 94 and I now know that his own upbringing was much like he raised us.  It takes a lot of courage to step up and decide to do things in a different way from how you/we were raised.  At age 90 dad revealed his secret unintentionally when he said, "dad wasn't mad," about an event when he was 17 y/o in 1936!!! 

My suggestion would be to read some books, "Toxic Parents," by Susan Forward was a huge eye-opener for me and could be useful for you as well.  Maybe some support groups or counseling would also be useful. 

It is great that your fiance is on the same page with you! I wish you both all the best!

ssoganty

 



 
Replied By: megan0604 on Apr 13, 2014, 2:04PM
My father in law to be is a devout Catholic, which I have no problem with. I am an Athiest, but I have always believed in the idea of 'coexist'. Everyone should have the right to their own beliefs and respect others.


The problem is, he doesn't respect mine. 


My fiance and I are planning our wedding, and every chance he gets he throws his beliefs in our face. We are having a Justice of the Peace and a completely non religious ceremony, which is what my fiance and I both want.


His father tells us we wont have a real marriage if it is not in the Catholic Church. He is constantly scolding us for not going to church, that he is prayibg for our souls and conversion. He is always pushing it on us. Every time we see him, it's all about his religion and why we're not living our lives right.


I am terrified for when we have kids because they are already pushing us to have them baptized. My fiance and I have decided that we will explain religions to our children - all religions, and Atheism, and when they are old enough they can choose. If they want to go to church, we will take them. But we will not force them. We will not make a choice for them.


My fiances father, and even his mother, 'insist' we have them baptized, and said that at their house if you are there on Sunday, you go to church. We don't even have kids yet and I already know they won't respect how my fiance and I have agreed to raise them, and it's very upsetting.


I literally dread every time I see his father because I just want to have a nice conversation with him rather than constantly being scolded for my beliefs. I never say anything, I just try to be polite, but I'm getting to the end of my rope. I feel like I'm going to break soon, and create a rift in the family, which is not what I want.


My fiance always stands up for me, but his father is relentless. There's no compromise with him, and he refuses to listen to anyone else's opinions. It's not just a nuisance, it's disresepctful and makes me not want to see his family.


Has anyone else dealt with this situation?
 
Replied By: kbungert on Apr 10, 2014, 12:19AM
For well lets see 17 years i was told i was a liar and no good by pretty much everyone in my family... lets go back and see why they are so scared.. I was raped abused you name it by my biological father... my family failed to help me this abuse also resulted in 3 children. but let me give it to you straight... My mother can say all she wants about not knowing about what was going on but see here... when i was 9 i told my mother what my father was doing to me she called me a liar... my sister died shortly after i had said something to my mother.. she was hit and killed by a car. Then again when i was 12 i went to my aunts for help.. they called the police my uncle called my father and told him the cops were called and he demanded that i be returned so my uncle got me back to the house before the cops got there he threatened me...14 here i am being made to sleep in the same bed as my father while my mother slept on the couch hmmm why would any mother do that to a child that has already accused her father of doing things to her.. noone wants to hear my story i have tried getting help and really just need for someone to listen to me for once any ideas for anyone interested in hearing my story please feel free to contact me i need all the advice i can get ... also the 3 children that i birthed were taken by the same county i went to for help yet they never helped me...
 
Replied By: lillylynda on Apr 3, 2014, 4:13PM
If you are reading this, I suggest you make yourself a sweet cup of tea cause it's it's a lot to take in. I'm going to begin with my mother, who was not a consistent figure in my life. At the age of 11 my mother met a man online and decided she no longer wanted to continue her marriage to my father. After deciding to marry this man, she moved out of the country to live with him and begin a new life. My sister and myself were given the decision of who we wanted to live with, and as my mother was very strict we both decided to live with my father. What my mother failed to inform us of is that my father was a very heavy drinker with very little ability to raise two teenage daughters on his own. While this was a struggle for us growing up, we learned quickly that we could only depend on ourselves. Skip ahead a few years, when i was 17 and my sister was 19. My sister informed me of a family secret that I was not aware of. She let me know that when I was roughly a year old my mother took myself and my sister back home to visit family and try a separation from my father. During this time, she had an affair with a man in her hometown which resulted in a pregnancy. She went back to my father, never informing the babys father of the pregnancy. My father was more than willing and in fact wanted to keep the child, but my mother refused and the baby was put up for adoption. My sister learned of this at an earlier age by listening to my parents arguements and confirmed it with both my mother and father. She also made my mother promise to tell me before I reached 18 years, as it is an important part of all of our lives. My sister has since passed and I am now 28 and she still has yet to even hint that anything has happened. I have also learned that she did not inform anyone of her 10 siblings nor her parents.
I am currently considering confronting my mother about this indescresion, as i have lost one sibling, and i would love nothing more than to meet my other half sibling. I should add that my mother is an intensely manipulative and volatile woman which concerns me when thinking about bringing up this family secret. Any feedback or insights into this situation would be greatly appreciated as I am at a crossroad in my life, and without the truth there is no closure.
 
Replied By: sandraluz on Apr 2, 2014, 6:25PM
I have two grown daughters that when I divorced a man that had hit me, and almost cost me to lose my house, favor him. Instead of seeing the terrible things he's done to me they continue to favor him and disrespect me. I finally put my foot down and let my children know that I would never go to any family functions when my ex is there. It's very hard to see the manipulation he has over them. I have been trying for years to just go with the flow and deal with it. Whatever family function we have had I've gone, he's there of course.. He takes jabs at my expense and I've tried ignoring it. My kids hang out with him. Invite him over, he is involved in everything. I on the other hand don't see them unless they require a babysitter or one of my grand kids have a party. I've never ever met such a horrible person. I've tried asking him to please leave my kids alone, I met him when they were in high school. They watched him hurt me, squat in my house till I had to have him evicted to save my home. They see him make fun of me at family parties and they continue to favor him. I finally realized that this won't change and I have let them go. I told both of my girls that if he's around the family I cannot be. They chose him. It sickens me. I raised them on my own. I was a good mom to them, my step kids and even my daughters best friend because her parents had drug problems. I had them in sports,
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Apr 1, 2014, 5:53AM - In reply to flashmycello08
I am so sorry that you are being attacked. Im sure you are beautiful. Breaks my heart that that would be said about your mom too. Cancer is tough, I can relate to her process.

My advice until you find your own place is to just focus on controlling you and your interactions with him. It sounds like your brother is in an adolescent place in his life and is not in any position to have a quality conversation with, so I would suggest to keep distance. You must sit down and make a list of what distance with him looks like. The list should consist of things that will aid in your safety. This could be, no speaking with him, avoid him and his girlfriend, locking your doors, making sure your purse is hidden, spending more time with your boyfriend etc. what ever is going to make you feel safe at the end of the day is what should be on that list.

Stealing is NOT okay on any level, however if you see him stealing from your mom or acting crazy in the house, bottom line is that its her house and her things, so she needs to press charges or enforce some consequences on her own account. But, If he is stealing from you, or your room (which you pay for) I would treat him like any thief and warn him that you will notify the authorities. Only set boundaries that you will follow through with.  There is no point in empty talk and remember that you can only control your world, your things, your actions and not your mother’s. It may be tough to watch but your mom must set her own boundaries.

Which leads me to my next point. If she is allowing this to happen to her, then she is enabling his behavior. Not talking about it, or just pretending to “get along” doesn't help anyone and she needs to understand that life is not about surviving its about thriving! She must understand that boundaries, protect and heightened the value of what is inside. For example, there is a rusted car in a field; it considered a dumping ground, put a fence around it and it becomes a junk yard. If you build a building to cover it; it becomes a museum.  My point is that you are not dumping grounds, you are museums that deserve protection. She is pretty valuable, as are you, and you both deserves quality lives with boundaries. You need to set them with him, and she needs to do the same but you both must see how valuable each of you are.

On the flip side, I really hope he sees how his actions are driving you both away and hopefully will decide to change some life tactics. I hope this helps. 


 
Replied By: jeannie2233 on Mar 31, 2014, 10:56PM
I am hurting. I lived in another state and moved back to the state my daughter lived in to help her, because she lost her son, he was 2 and a 1/2. I lost a son that was 2 days old, so I know the hurt. I came to her house for vacation and felt she needed me to help her. Her life was out of control with finances, my granddaughter was also ill (had a feedtube), she was not growing, communicating was very low for her age. She weight 16 lbs at 2. So, I helped them get a condo, to get out of their high rent apartment and then I bought a condo in the same community, we're about 3 minutes apart. I gave her and her husband over 30K, to get back on their feet, pay off check companies, car payments, rent, you name it, I did it. When I moved I separated from my husband and I have two children that was left at home (17 & 13 - now 18 and 14). My daughter does not like my husband and she knows he would have not approved of giving her all that money. Well, my husband moved to my city and we worked on our relationship, we were together 11 years, and really love each other. We also set up visitation with him, while we were working on things, since my 17 & 13, he adopted them. My daughter did not approve and felt I needed her permission to allow her brother and sister to see him.  Things had become very stained between my daughter and her husband and me.
I came to the point that I had no more money to give. I ran up all my credit cards to the limit and on top of it my daughter and son in law both were not working. Their electric had been turned off, cable turned off, rent late and I always bailed them out. My son in law had not worked for 5 months and went back to school, I paid for his books, I paid for my daughter books, she is getting her masters, but push came to shove when I ran out of money. Then my 17 year old son said to me, enough ma, stop, they need to support themselves. So when my daughter or son in law called me for money, I told them I did not have any, which was the truth. I was just trying to keep my head above water and pay my bills. My daughter and son in law has not talked to me for little over 5 months.They will not allow me to see my granddaughter, who is now 3 years old, which breaks my heart. When I was giving them money, she spent the night at my house all the time. Now, my daughter told me by an email, she did not want her daughter hurt. I have never hurt her and never would. My daughters in laws are crazy and has called Children Services on them and even had a 20K life insurance policy on my grandson that died.
My son in laws dad said he would pay for the funeral and then never did and pocketed the money. If I did those things I would understand why I could not see my granddaughter and why my daughter hates me, but I have not. She even wrote an email to me in December, when I tried to wish her a 30th birthday, that she wished I would have put her up for adoption and that I would not have been her mother, along with many other hurtful things. My husband moved back into my home in December, I could not see her for Christmas, but as I said they only live 3 minutes away. I continued to left my daughter now 14 and son now 18, continue their relationship with their sister. Never talking about their visits and basically, just trying to keep things calm. My daughter keep telling my kids that I would keep them from her, which I made sure did not happen.
Then this past Saturday at 4 am in the morning, I heard the door open, I ran down stairs to find my son's suitcase with all his clothes. He came into the door and I asked him what he was doing, I am moving to my sisters, I just do not feel comfortable here anymore. This was the son that told me to stop giving her money. She has told him so many lies. So I stayed as calm as I could, since I was in shock. I explained it was OK if he wanted to move out, but it was not the right thing to not tell me. He told me he was going write me a text. I talked with him for about hour and we talked about the things that were bothering him. We discussed the lies my daughter had told him and how I loved him and would always be there to support him and if things did not work out, he always had a home with me. My daughter and son in law got married and did not invite me, they only had 2 friends there. It really hurt. I told my son I hope that when he gets married and has kids I can be there and see them, he told me yes, but I do not know. He wants to go to college, but has not applied and has no job. I am now just heart sick, I have not heard from him in 2 days and I pray, he will talk to me again, but I just do not know. My heart is broken and I can not sleep, I just do not know where to turn.
My daughter that is still at home, seems fine and our house is calmer, because my son is not saying nasty comments to me. I hope someone has advise for me, that will some how help.
 
Replied By: flashmycello08 on Mar 29, 2014, 11:51PM
I would appreciate any advice.


I am living in a condo with my mom and brother. My brother is 22, I am 28, and Mom is 56. I am living there because I will be out of a job June 5th and did not want to be tied to an apartment. I pay a set amount my Mom and I agreed upon, in addition to all of my personal expenses. My brother is in his last semester of college.

Mom has fourth stage cancer, but is currently stable, meaning no cancer has grown in a long time. She is also still working. She wants me to spend less time at her house and more time with my boyfriend (he is a phD student) because my brother and I fight constantly. Why do we fight? I caught him stealing from her...him and his girlfriend posted my picture on a website that rates your looks...his girlfriend called me Voldemort and my mom the c--- with cancer...he stole from me...yet nothing is his fault and I am provoking him! She wants me to pretend to like him-nope can't do that. Hopefully in august I will have a permanent job and will be able to move out but I need advice until then! Thanks
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Mar 20, 2014, 3:09AM - In reply to lizawren
Firstly it should not be just your job to enforce rules for leisure time in the house this should be a joint effort and should be done by both of you together


I think that because you have different points of views on what you are both okay with you two need to sit down and discuss the boundaries that you both are comfortable with setting so that you can address your daughter as a united front. Discuss things like schedule, appropriate behavior in the house, possible rent in exchange for more freedoms etc.


Its never too late to enforce boundaries so that you two (the owners of the house) feel comfortable. If she doesn’t want to feel like she is in high school then she can move out and be an adult, or go watch tv somewhere else. Either way she is an adult and should respect your (you two) boundaries as a couple.


Is this about her having sex? or is it about making sure that you both are comfortable in your own home. I think that if you are concerned about her sex life then that is non of your business because she is an adult and as a parent all you can do is hope you prepared her for life and raised her well enough to make smart powerful choices that promote health.


In short...set boundaries that will work for you and your husband. Your daughter is not a child and should be treated as an adult, if she does not like it well too bad, its your home and once she has her own home then she can watch tv with her boyfriend in everyroom with the door closed.  Until then there needs to be a respect for boundaries.


Im sensing you are more worried about what your daughter will think and her sex life than how this is affecting your husband and your relationship happiness. If could be your writing style, but you seemed more concerned with making a case for your daughters behavior rather than just asking for help. To me it sounds a bit like you need to sync up with your husband and discuss where his heart is at on the issue. My opinion is to get unified and then talk with your daughter.



just my thoughts on the informations thats here, this is not law:)
 
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