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Family

 
Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
Comments
Replied By: PBugz1952 on Nov 21, 2014, 6:17PM
I  have two sons I'm  divorsed for 32 yrs. My x got divorsed last year and is in a new relationship. She has asked me to come over for Christmas dinner. Don't know if I should or if it is right. What should I do?
 
Replied By: marjoriemother on Nov 19, 2014, 6:05PM - In reply to amr466
I am in the same siruarion except i am by byself.I just want to say i am with you in prayers and thoughts. I wish i had the answer both for you and for myself. My family was very close but both my parents are dead and my sons velieve my husband so i am the one that did wrong and am not inclided . It hurts so much. I  pray that somehow i can get my family back again. I know this isn't helping you but i wanted to let you know that you are not alone
 
Replied By: missygram on Nov 19, 2014, 4:20PM
He Sings


 


He sits beside me in my bed in the dark and he sings. His voice is clear and clean and his pitch is perfect, a family curse. Every song he knows, he sings, in an order that is important to him. He is upset if you try to change it. You can tell what song he sings by the tune and the few words in each one he can pronounce. Bah Bah …have you…yes sir yes sir…full. He sings, but he has a hard time talking.

 He had a hard time laughing too, but he has conquered it now. His laugh is a thing of delight, a thing of the most singular joy. When he was six months old I asked his mother, “Are you worried that he does not laugh? “No”, she said, “He laughs at home.”

“Oh.” I said. I am troubled by the fact that without actual evidence, I don’t believe her. My home sucks the joy from him? I (known as the baby whisperer by my family) can not figure out how to amuse a six month old baby? I do amuse him. You can see the hilarity in his eyes, but he seems unable to let it out.  I begin to try to teach him to laugh, holding his hands to my face as I pretend, reacting with over-broad excitement at any small guttural expulsion of breath. From smile to grunt to ha! to chortle to guffaw, we slowly forge a trail to laughter. After weeks of working on it we demonstrate his new ability to his mother. “See?” she says. “I told you he could laugh.”


When he was about twenty months old I asked his mother. Do you worry that he cannot say a single word? No, she said. That’s all she said.

His brain damage is such, said the speech therapist, that his brain does not know where his tongue and lips are in space. Where his tongue and lips are in space… I try to imagine how that must be. A new path must be found for every sound in a word, and the finding is hard. We try to scatter bread crumbs from his brain to his mouth. He works hard at it. He gathers his brow and stares hard at our mouths. Sometimes he grabs my face to feel the words coming out. He wants to tell me things. He knows he needs this help.

 “I like how you work!” the speech therapist, a miracle worker, says when he gets it wrong. We all applaud when he gets it right. Those who are there applaud. His mother has never come to a session. “I have to work.” She says. We all have to work. My son scheduled the sessions on her days off at first, but when she declined to show up, we made them convenient for ourselves.

“How is he progressing?” asks the developmental pediatrician. “About two hundred words, half of those clear, and he is making short sentences now.” says my son.  “I have been working so hard on his therapy at my home.” his mother says. My son just looks at her. She has him two days a week and hasn’t got a clue how to work with him. He doesn’t argue with her. Most of the boy’s doctors are females. They always leap to her defense when he says anything unflattering about her.

This one, for instance, at their first meeting, when he brought up the mother’s recently discovered drinking during pregnancy, jumped in and said, “Before you knew you were pregnant right? … A glass of wine with dinner?” “Yes,” she smiles, looking straight at him in triumph, “before I knew.”  She has left him for the cable guy, makes this known and implies that anything he says stems from bitterness. They buy it every time. She is very good at this sort of thing. She has spent her life at it.

The pediatrician refuses to diagnose Fetal Alcohol Effect. “You have dyslexia,” she tells my son, even though she now knows the extent of the drinking. “How do we know it is not related to that?”  She has admitted no doctor is likely to diagnose FEA as long as the mother denies the drinking. There are “legal implications” she says. For whom, I wonder.


He is bitter of course, but not about the cable guy so much. He is bitter about his little boy and the broken pathway from his brilliant brain to his mouth. We all are. I want to tell everyone she knows what a selfish lying sociopath she is. I want her to admit what her customers and coworkers told me. I know that she drank most days of her pregnancy. She did it at work, giving herself time to sober up before going home. My son was watching her at home. He thought it was enough. It wasn’t.

I know it is not productive but I want to hurt her. I want her to pay in some way for what she has done and continues to do to her children. I tell myself that what comes around goes around, but in truth, I have not lived to see most of the evil people I have known suffer for their misdeeds. I know it is not my job to punish her but I fervently wish it was. The thing that keeps me from saying all the things I would like to is that it would not hurt her as much as it would hurt my grandchildren in the long run. She will retaliate for the truth with lies. She is more convincing when lying than most people are when telling the truth.

 I am not actually a big believer in revenge. I have been ashamed the few times I have indulged in it. I have never regretted the hateful things that I have not done. So I am quiet.

Sometimes when he stays with me he has trouble sleeping. I turn out all the lights and cover all the electrical things that glow in the dark, hoping it will help him. I bring him into my bed so that he doesn’t keep his sister awake. I struggle to stay awake and he sings. His voice is clean and clear and his pitch is perfect.
 
Replied By: marjoriemother on Nov 18, 2014, 10:11AM
I have 3 sons who are adults. We were a close family until 4 years ago when i left my husband of 50 yrs. He had been mentally emotionally and verbally abusive all our married life but it wasn['t until 4 yrs ago that it became physical. I left him with the help of the Safe Net organizaation. He then had to be admitted to a nursing home. I have 2 of my sons that will not speak to me. the one son's wife called Crisis  Intervention and accused me of trying to kill my husband of which i was cleared. She also sent me harassing text messages. My oldest son does support me to a degree but feels that i should forget my other sons and grandchildren and great grandchildren whom i can not have any connection with. My two sons have nothing to do with their older brother. Is there any way my family can get back to actually being a family?

This has caused me many health problems because of all the stress.
 
Replied By: linz13 on Nov 18, 2014, 1:16AM - In reply to braveheart222
I bet my family could give yours a run for their money. Mine maliciously attacks each other. My sister-in-law has called social services on me 3 times in 3 months and all are false and I can't legally fight the harassment and she is gonna cost me my job and livelihood and anyone else's life that associates with me.
 
Replied By: adrianna70 on Nov 17, 2014, 12:48PM
Dear Dr. Phil  Why,Why,Why do you refer people to that brainwashing cult. There is nothing Christian about it, Bill Wilson was an occultist who habitually cheated on his wife.  Anyway, getting to the point.

AA NEEDS TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THEIR ANONYMITY POLICY- IT CAN RUIN LIVES.I honestly don't believe they care.

My grandfather was an alcoholic, he ruined the family, he beat my grandmother and as a result NOBODY in my family ever so much as touches a drink. As a result the next generation has not drank , my children hate alcohol.

 I swore I would NEVER marry someone who drinks or has a history of alcoholism . As a 18 year old I met this man, he didn't drink, he hated it in fact, buy all appearances he came from a morally upright solid Christian home. His mom never liked me, I didn't care.

It wasn't until I was married with a baby that my husband revealed to me that his dad was an abusive alcoholic and the trauma his dad caused HE DIDNT TELL ME BECAUSE AA IS ANONYMOUS, (he lied to me when I asked him while we were dating) , it wasn't long after that he started drinking, not a lot a beer or two after work, by the time the third baby arrived he was an all out alcoholic ,shortly after that he revealed the history of mental illness in the family. I was denied the right to choose, I was denied the right to say I am not marrying into this.

HIS FAMILY IS NUTS AND HAS MADE MY LIFE A LIVING HELL. I could go on for DAYS.I USED TO LOVE CHRISTMAS. Now its the most dreaded day of the year for me. My husband insists that we spend every Christmas with them.My in-laws have a lot of money , my husbands approval seeking is disgusting. They will never approve.

THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I HAVE WITH AA IS THE LACK OF ACCOUNTABILITY. My FIL sucked my husband into his cult for a while , it nearly destroyed our marriage, he was more addicted to the cult and still drank, he is no longer involved. He's is bi-polar/ paranoid schizophrenic/Narcissistic and yes still an alcoholic although functional . I am still here because I cant afford to support myself. His parents refuse to accept any responsibility.

In AA bad behavior is always justified because you are out of your mind. What a pathetic EXCUSE. My MIL is Edith Bunker with a personality disorder. If she doesn't want to hear something she will literally run out of the room crying with her hands over her ears. She sugar coats everything and everything in her world is butterflies and rainbows. Its nauseating. There's nothing wrong with being positive but when a person is positive to the point they deny reality, there is something wrong in the attic. I honestly don't know how I have survived this long. There but for the Grace of God go I.

 
Replied By: lady1030 on Nov 17, 2014, 9:50AM
Hello, So I have been dating this man for 1 year now. I can say that our relationship has not been a fairytale from the begining. We met shortly after he separated from his "wife". So we have dealt with threatning and immature texts from his ex, divorce and child custody battles. Then Im free to say that with his previous relationship he was not loyal to her. We have had our ups and downs. We dont live together and coincidentltyl his house is on my way to my job, so I once passed by and noticed his car was not there I called him and he said he was sleeping at his cousins house. Another time he said that his mom had his car, and several more excuses alng the way. My gut feeling says that he was seeing another woman but I had no hard proof. I felt dumb so accusing and not being able to proof anything. I broke up with him after two weeks of him convincing me. I decided to give the relationship another chance. After that everything was good. Actually everything was great, No one makes me happier than he does. i have never felt so strong over someone. I have never loved. All this is new to me. He makes me feel like im the only woman in the world for him.
and BOOMM!!
I start noticing him being protected of his phone, puuting it upside down, turning off notications, and changing hius password often. So i brought it to his attention, He immidiatly corrected the issue and instantly took off his password off his phone and said "here you go" " i have nothing to hide, grab my phone when you want, it has no passwor". A couple days later while he was sleeping I grabed his phone and saw in the deleted bin there were messages with 2 past girlfriends. Saying I cant wait to see u later etc etc. I didnt find anything that said that they actually met up. I decided to wake him up and tell him to leave. He got on his knees and started crying to me saying that he loves me and im the only one he wants and loves and said that he had temptation thrown at him but he never accepted it. He said he never did anything physical with them. It has been 3 days since this happened.
My mind is filled wioth questions. Can i ever trust him. I feel as if he was unloyal even if all he did was texts. He said hes a stupid animal and didnt think things threw. Honestly, I feel as if hes saying the truth when he says that he loves me and only wants me. He got a new phone and a new phone number. I feel as if im bipolar. For a second I wanna be happy and I love him and another second I feel betrayed and I hate him. So many different emotions going through me. He admits he messed up and is willing to repair this. Im so confused, I just want to be happy with him but I dont know if I can forgive him. I dont know how to forgive him for that. What can I do so that mymind stops racing about everything?
 
Replied By: zarahrie on Nov 16, 2014, 9:54PM
I cant bwgin to tell you all that he is in the dog house as i call him once a week and has lost trust to do nothing as i had suffered and as no authority at all.  I cant wait to chew h out as he will hop skip and jump to my commands.as i do not take his advice on.anything after him.trustingtje wrong.people and.not listwnong to me.
 
Replied By: lucyhazelnew on Nov 15, 2014, 2:22PM - In reply to jackievw
Wow, Jackie vw, Thank you for your comment. That means a lot to me. Bless you. X
 
Replied By: jackievw on Nov 15, 2014, 10:23AM - In reply to shristimystery
Oh how familiar that sounds, except I'm 43 and my sister is 42,half brother is 32, Both were and are spoiled by my father I have always been jealous of my sister, skinny,bright, pretty, not so much my brother except what I am learning now is I truly don't have anything to be jealous of being the oldest I am finding I was disciplined the most, I was the one who was blamed for this or that. You may not realize it now but someday you will look back and thank God you were the one that is the oldest. I am the most independent of them all, my brother has a masters degree in architecture and has lived off my dad for the last 8 yrs. Not ever having a job, or paying for anything in life, he had been born with a golden spoon. But now he is nothing and my dad is so ashamed because he  thought he was going to raise his son better then he did with our mom my sister and I , and he has a son who is nothing. never worked a job in his life he is married just had a baby and still 32 yrs. old living with daddy. My sister a year and half younger then me with our parents was different, it was always my job to watch my litter sister, be the boss, make sure this or that, and if she got into trouble I got the spanking, well to day that little girl is spoiled rotten to,  make $80,000 a yr as a RN case manager who doesn't have a pot to piss in, spends money like crazy, has nothing really going for her, she lacks the discipline in life that I learned. She has a daughter who was never disciplined and who is now smoking pot all the time. Me I quit school at 16, got prengant, was raised with my disabled mother ,we were poor, living in Milwaukee,wi in bad areas, and I struggled all my life with alcoholism, depression, I have a 27 yr old son I raised-on my own which my father told me great now you'll be on welfare all your life and be fat with 4 kids. Well sorry to break the news dad, but my life has been nothing but a struggle, but I have one child who I have never one had a problem with he is currently going to college to become a PA, I never married, I have plenty job experience and many great references that can't say enough about the person I am . When I think back to all the time I WAS so jealous of what the others got and how hard I had to struggle to get anything, I wouldn't trade it for the world. My life is just fine. The others were to spoiled and it will show up later in life believe me it will, so please be proud of you, and what you are doing, never compare with anyone what you have or don't have you sound really smart, and believe me they day will come today all kids are spoiled to much with technology , and while my parents raised me they weren't as busy as they were when my dad remarried and had his son, him and his wife were to busy to tech him the necessary skills in life, he was always with a baby sitter or one of the other step kids had to watch him. so in all reality he has no life skills he'll end up living of of daddy the rest of his life and that's, definitely not were I am, and I don't have the 4 kids,and fat, living on welfare like my father said. hang in there u have nothing to be jealous of hon, ur at an age of freedom, living, and discovering who you are, what you want in like who you want, don't waste your precious time worrying about what you didn't get. you have a whole life ahead o you to buy your own stuff all on your own with your own hard worked money . Look back on this message when your 30 and tell me how you feel? or 40 . believe me it won't be this at all.
 
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