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Family

 
Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
Comments
Replied By: plgalus on Jul 23, 2015, 5:22PM
My 43 year old daughter died in my arms on 12/27/15. I heard her first heart beat and had my hand on her chest for her last breathe, Our family is on a journey of unending grief. As she left us, I promised to keep watch over her 12-year old son. Since her death, her husband has not allowed me or my other daughters to spend time with her son. My daughter beleived he is a narcissist as does his first wife. His current actions, while not toally unexpected, have crushed my family. I finally sent my grandson a card secretly, tellinghim  I love him, miss him, want to keep my promise his mom to have his back and will see him when I am allowed.

But my question really is, how does a narcissist grieve? He is already playing kissy-face with her cousin. It feels like once she died, my daughter is simply a replacable part.
 
Replied By: ashlymills on Jul 9, 2015, 11:21AM - In reply to rockerwife15
I understand some of what you are going through only with my mother in law. She would degrade my husband to him and our son, she would tell everyone we were bad parents, mean to her, didn't love our son etc. We begged her to work with us, I printed article after article of why her way of behavior was not ok for my husband or our son and she would NOT work with us. Eventually we ceased all contact. I am if the mindset that if you are the only one working and trying to make things better, it is not worth it.  I. Ant imagine the pain of it being an actual mother, but I think if she can't be in your life productively, than bye bye booboo. We live in a small town and people try to judge us as well because of the things she has said.  I try to control only what I can. My happiness, my little family,  and my families happiness. If people are negative to that in anyway than I don't need them. 


I created a walking group for my area to try and create new positive friendships, and it helped. There is even a site called "i hate my mother in law" for people to vent and support.  Find positive support. Know you are not ALONE. And kniw that no matter what you weigh, you didn't deserve to be treated that way. You deserve love and respect. You deserve happiness.
 
Replied By: sethmorin on Jul 8, 2015, 4:43PM
Family was God the father's plan
 
Replied By: rockerwife15 on Jul 5, 2015, 10:31AM
I have a question that maybe someone can relate t because my husband and I don't know what to do: Should I allow my mother (meaning to forgive) her to be in my life if she has literally tried to assassinate my character over and over again, to the point of trying to ruin my marriage? I'll try to make this short; I grew up with a weight problem that I've been struggling with my whole life. My maternal grandmother with verbally/psychologically abuse me about my weight and would tell me not to tell anyone. My mother knew about it, but never stood up for me and just turned the cheek. My father never liked my grandmother because of how she treated me and how she treated him, and would try his best to keep me in his sight. My mother also would belittle me about my weight and put me down every time I would try to eat if we were alone. It got to the point that I wasn't eating and she went around to even my teachers at school and tell him to make me eat, my friends started asking questions and it was humiliating. She would talk down to me about my body and I was so self conscious about it, I started wearing hoodies, and pants because I was also self harming. At 14 my grandmother died so I no longer heard the negative words, but I felt like they stuck always, and my mother continued the abuse when my father was away for work. I spent my teenage years the best I could to stay out of the house away from my mother, even running away a few times. My mother rarely knew where I was or what I was doing while my dad was gone and she didn't make the effort to look for me until my dad would ask questions. I didn't realize until I was older, my mother was jealous of me and my father's relationship. If we would all watch a family movie together, she would be bothered if I was leaning on my dad on the couch. And tell me not to do it. She would also tell me things like my father thinks I'm crazy or he's disappointed in me while he was gone for work. As I got older, my mother started telling all my friends parents how bad of a daughter I was and even her coworkers. I started losing friends and having them tell me I couldn't hang out with them because of what their parents have heard about me. When I turned 18 my senior year of high school, I moved out and into my boyfriend at the time's home with his mother for 2 years. During this time, even though I was an adult, my father would call me and even bring me groceries and pay for my gas occasionally, to make sure I was okay. My mother on the other hand never once stopped by to see where I live or checked up on me. The relationship I had with my boyfriend was toxic and abusive itself, so I eventually got out of it and had to move back home. Moving back home, I was an adult now and mature in the sense where I wanted to try to make things work with my mother. It was rough, but it was enough to get by for a couple of years. Because I heard that parent relationships get better as children grow to adults, I decided to apologize to my mother for anything I did to hurt her. She demanded that I should be sorry and added that she never did anything wrong to provoke that behavior and how awful I was lost for words. At 21, I met the man who was to be my future husband, I saw how family oriented he was and I tried a second time to make it work with my mother. In the first few months, my parents met my boyfriends parents and my mother started trying to get to know my boyfriend's mother. During this time. I was having friends sent me messages on Facebook that my mother had sent them talking negatively about me. Another thing that happened around this time was I caught my mother talking to her ex fiancé and told her it wasn't right. It wasn't right, but I snuck on her Facebook account and saw the messages. I admitted it to her and told her if she didn't stop talking to him behind my fathers back I would tell my father. My mother began cursing me out and ran to tell my father a different story. She riled him up and it ended with me being thrown against a wall and bruising. The next day, I couldn't move my arm and had to go to the doctor. When the doctor asked me what happened, I explained what had happened and the put it on file. My mother was furious accusing me of trying to throw them in jail. She told me she wished my father had beaten me so hard until my teeth fell out. She also told me because I threatened her marriage, she was going to threaten mine and my boyfriends.I went without speaking to my father for a month, until I sat down with him and forgave him, but hadn't forgiven my mother and cut off speaking terms with her. During that time, my mother had snuck over to my boyfriend's parents house and bad mouthed me to his mother. When she did that his mother told me how my mother came over and that I should forgive my mother and be nicer to her because she's my mother. I was so upset, because I knew that she did that to sabotage my relationship. She has also admitted to me that she never wanted children before she married my father and had an abortion a year or so before she met him. I haven't spoken to her in almost 4 years and since then, I have had her coworkers, friends, and even family members stop speaking to me or confront me of my relationship with my mom. In April, I married my boyfriend and we went to go visit family out west. While I was there my aunt who is close to my mom wouldn't even look at me the entire time I was there because of the things my mother had said to her. Now my wedding reception at home is going to be in October and my father is generous enough to pay for it. I rather not have my mother there, but my father agreed he won't walk me down the aisle unless she's there, which I understand and respect because that's his wife. However, what is bothering me is that my father is now demanding that I spend time with my mother and that him and my mother need to spend time with my husband's parents. I feel uncomfortable about that situation primarily because of what my mother did. I feel overwhelmed and helpless by the situation. I'm happier in my life without her and feel safer she's not around, but at the same time I feel that I'm hurting my father. What angers me more is my mother also bad mouths my father behind his back, which I don't feel right telling him because that would break his heart. My mother has also been involved with drugs with her sister behind my father's back.
 
Replied By: ashlymills on Jun 29, 2015, 8:43AM
So when we pick our son up for weekend we find out that his therapeutic foster mom is going to no longer keep him because he remains out of control. Hospitalization us recommended from about 5 DIFFERRNT people...yet he is sent home.


In ONE weekend, he has woke his sister up everyday, screaming, banging his head on wall, whatever seems might work I guess. Then we find out he managed to go under a baby gate in front of his door and go in her room where there is a monitor. He turn on a baseboard heater that if any closer to anything could have set the whole house on fire. I thought it was weird she woke twice crying, she usually sleeps all night, and then it kept being warm in her room and I cld hear the clicking, not to mention he was moaning making noises and talking loudly to wake her up. I don't know what all he did in the night, but ik he went in her room and made her cry at the very least.


His therapeutic foster mom is still saying wait until tomorrow because she wants to work, and his therapist is waiting for approval for hospitalization however long that will take. AND she just found out if hospital not approved and foster mom doesn't want, he gets sent home. Please tell me what work we live in where it's ok for a toddler to be terrorized, a WHOLE family to live in danger because NO ONE will listen or respond or HELP 
 
Replied By: ashlymills on Jun 26, 2015, 6:09PM
So the foster mom has finally figured out we have been telling the truth.  Consequences and rewards DONT work with a child who does not care. Has no empathy and displays no emotions except for "i want."

They are now thinking of a hospital placenta but in the meantime send him home for 4 days to be around his toddler sister providing us with the mobile crisis # for WHEN something happens.  I live in terror that the next hit , punch, or kick is going to permanently damage him or his sister changing their lives even more for the worse than what is already happening.


I DONT get this wait for something to happen to provide help. Or waiting for a future to be ruined to give help.  They know he needs constant supervision and that he hurts himself and others (currently has bruises on himself now), but they send him home where we are just not qualified to keep everyone safe.
 
Replied By: ashlymills on Jun 24, 2015, 2:01PM - In reply to kellyapritchar
Hi,


He wants EVERYTHING. We cld buy him a toy, he cld get a school reward,  and he's mad someone else gets a reward too or steals a girls necklace he won't ever even wear.  He wants his way 24.7 as well as all attention 24.7, all of which is impossible to give him.

His meds change so rapidly because of his metabolism,  and this behaviors were before the meds so it is not side effects although they do occur.


I have a master's in psychology and a minor in criminal justice and honestly see some of these behaviors and am terrified for his future and why I have been constantly begging for help.  He tore a door off hinges at 4, almost broke teacher's hand, his hand and another's by 6, and has hit his toddler sister in the head and not cared.  


He has seen therapists, psychologists, hospitald, etc. And no one knows what to do because it is shocking to see these behaviors in such a small person.  We can't just let him have everything he wants,  that is not life,  not to mention he is never satisfied.  He steals food, jewelry,  stuff he doesn't even know what it is! 



 
Replied By: maggiebagi on Jun 23, 2015, 11:02AM - In reply to maggiebagi
My oldest also wore ureterostomies (urinary pouches) from 15 mos to 6 yrs. He has been through 4 major kidney operations thoughout his childhood. He had been to prison 4 times for flelonious assault. I have been a champion in his corner all his life and then he decides 15 mos ago to dismiss me from his life! My heart is heavy and hurts every day for my grandbabies...cause I have alot to give and they deserve their granny.
 
Replied By: maggiebagi on Jun 23, 2015, 10:54AM
I wake up every day with a heavy heart. My oldest has disowned my husband and I. He was born with a congenital obstruction that had caused both kidney's to fail and has had to be on dialysis for more than ten years now. I often sit on my pity pot; because he has our grandson (who is now 15 mos.) and we don't see him (nor his brother or sister 9 and 7 from her previous relationships).We believed he could never have children of his own given his medical history. I don't like it when folks tell me "That doesn't mean your a bad person" or "Its his loss." I know I'm not.
 
Replied By: kellyapritchar on Jun 22, 2015, 1:32PM - In reply to ashlymills
Hi. I feel so bad for your 8 year old and for your family going through this. My first question is, "What does the boy want that he is not getting"? It could be an emotion like love, or respect or trust and is only getting iolence, bullying, and put downs.  if it is a material thing that hurts no one and is available, why not let him have it?" of course we hippies raised a generation of kids like that, give em what ever they wanted when they wanted and now we find a lot of selfish adults. I don't know your answers but I know a kid throwing things around a toddler is dangerous. I would write and write and write to Dr. Phil and also to the "Be on the Show" section. It sounds like you may be raising a psychopath. Oh and about some medications. IDK about your kid, but the antidepressants doctors put me on made me have violent thoughts when before I was just depressed. A little kid that age needs help tho. And you need a break.
 
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