Family

 
Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
Comments
Replied By: spiritual7365 on Sep 26, 2016, 9:00AM - In reply to lovebug18
Hi Lovebug,  I am writing here and on your blog. You have had a hard times and in relationships it sounds like the Mom Connection has been anything but loving. It is hard to know why some parents turn on their daughters and repeatedly try to bring them down. Maybe some jealousy is involved.

You were in the position to be treated badly and you were. The older and more responsible daughter gets the brunt of the monther's angst and continues to take the "verble beating." She must have known that you were not happy having to do it all for her while she went from one man to another. You witnesed her at her worst and she knows it, so she turned on you in anger because she didn't like your opinion of her actions. This might have been where her anger at you started. She knew you knew all her secrets and it must have bothered her a lot.

She then continued to do everything she could to make your life miserable. It is almost like she had it in for you from an early teen age. So how do you deal with her? She doesn't add anything positive to your life and doesn't seem to have your best interest. I think the toxen that she gives is damaging to say the least. There is a way though. You need to put up boundaries. Make definate rules of what you will accept from her. If she tries to put down or hurt your relationship with your sons that is not allowed! You have the power in how much acess she has in your life. Send holiday cards, and allow one or two phone calls over time but state your wishes to her. Of course she won't respect your rules but try anyway and then let her go. This is a way for you to keep your sanity. She has interceded enough. Be firm but kind and tell her you can not continue talking because of the negative feelings she brings with her. Then don't give in but instead at certain times call and inquire about her and her health. You don't have to stop communicating completely but for a while and maybe she will get it. She needs to be supportive and kind to be in your life.

It is all very hard because you want your mother's love and respect, but at this time she doesn't have any to give. So stay firm and make the decision that she does not have to hurt you anymore. Just set the rules and she will probably get mad but I think, after awhile she will understand. You have the right to take back your power and live your life the way You want and not the way She wants. Spiritual
 
Replied By: lovebug18 on Sep 25, 2016, 6:26PM
Soo of I need advice on this one... my parents divorced when I was 7 for thexample second time, I'm currently 45.  She went through man after man with a childhood full of cop calling because of alcohol related incidents.  I was a built in babysitter for two siblings, one 5 years younger and one 12 years younger.  That wasn't really the problem though, I think most older siblings have to do that.  I feel that my mom honestly stopped caring about me somewhere along the way.  She actually wrote a letter to my 8th grade boyfriend after I broke up with him saying how sorry she was that he got mixed up with me and that I was a loser... I wouldn't have believed it had I not read it!!! With that said that happened on other numerous occasions.  I to have had a couple marriages and zero approval from her, in fact she drilled me daily with ALL there faults!  Don't wanna place blame on her for it but unfortunately her torment actually worked on me therefore I would to see all there faults and divorce.


I have two boys one 22 and one 14 both have different fathers.. she works her magic on them too! Always has told me something is wrong with them and that theyre depressed because they don't have there dads.. well duh they weren't good enough remember!! Not bragging or anything but both of my kids are awesome, the older live on his own makes killer money and an all around respectful young man.  The younger is in all advanced classes and is in gifted and talented program!  Think I must have done something right.  


My last marriage was 10 years long of which I thought I was in love but he didn't really like my youngest and I tried to protect him through it all.. decided enough was enough.  My mom would come over and say things like "all your pictures make it look like you trying to be happy" ( I love family pics and display them) years from now people will love them!!!! 


I could truly go on for days talking about the things she has done to me and the manipulation she has tried on my kids!


I guess what I would like to know is it OK to shut your mom out of your life when she has nothing positive to bring to the table...? (Haven't talked to her since june) I cant forgive her for the things she's done to my kids, and through my siblings she is saying more about me! For the first time in my life I moved two states away and she was unable to manipulate that so you can imagine!!!!


Phew that was long winded, sorry!!!! 
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on Sep 14, 2016, 12:26PM - In reply to percy70
Hi Percy70,    I have not heard that from Dr. Phil per say, but I do know that it is a cold and mean spirited way to treat another person. In effect it is like saying, "You are not even worth my acknowledgement of your presence here."  That is so damaging if done repeatedly and especially to someone the person is proposed to love such as a family member.

People make the mistake of thinking if the issue is not discussed then it will just disappear. Untrue. The second something else comes up then the old issue rears its ugly head. I have raised my family with the knowledge that we should air our differences in a reasonable way. Yes, we all slam doors and get mad but we also work it out so it doesn't fester. All that comes from ignoring the issue and the person blamed is to let it grow larger each min. if it is not cleared up. Sweeping it under the rug is never the answer. Ignoring someone openly and with hostile intent is the worse way to handle disagreements. Blessings, Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: percy70 on Sep 8, 2016, 2:43PM
....I remember Dr. Phil saying at some point that ignoring someone, simpley not speaking to them, is one of the cruelest ways to treat them...at least if my memory serves me right. Does anyone remember reading that or what book it may be in?

My partner's family frequently has issues with ignoring one another instead of talking about their problems and it looks very hurtful. It's not a good precidence to set and not what I want as part of my life. Thanks in advance for your comments/help!
 
Replied By: beautifulhope on Sep 4, 2016, 1:33PM - In reply to sue43981
Hi,  My opinion on this situaion you find yourself in, is that you both need to meet with Dr.Phil and or another counselor and SOON!   One great question here is why has not your husband stood up for himself and you (his wife) where this bullly of a sister/sister in law is concerned?  


Why was she given preference by the husband/brother to drive your new car and you left with the old one?  She should have been driving the old car.  


The wife is supposed to come first in a marriage.  Over children (unless they are infants) over the parents, grandparents, the wife or husband should come first in everything.  The only one that should be put before the spouse is the Lord.  That's it.  said and done.
 
Replied By: maryvanlerberg on Jul 23, 2016, 3:01PM
It breaks my heart to see Olivia struggle with not having her child. Why won't dr Phil get her back the state should have to give her back it doesn't matter about foster mom she shouldn't have any say so in this matter because child was illegally taken from birth mom. Please dr Phil get Olivia back her daughter
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on Jul 13, 2016, 12:21PM - In reply to sue43981
Hi Sue43981,    Wow! She is what is considered a "user & Abuser."   Because you are quiet and polite she takes advantage of it. I would be so frustrated if my husband allowed my sister'n law to treat me like that. You are too kind but on the other hand she would probably act like this. She acts outrageous because she knows your husband will put up with her request.

Now that takes us to the root of this problem. Dr. Phil says that when an in-law is being a problomatic person in a couple's relationship then it is up to the one related to that person to settle the issues. So this is your husband's responsibility to talk to her. From the beginning the decisions on her visits and ensuing issues should have been discussed. But, even if they weren't all talked through he should have informed her that "Sue and I feel...etc. Each time she changed from what you had spoken of to her (even the smaller ones) then your husband should have backed you up.

Years ago, I had a mother-n'-law problem and this was similar except we lived next door to her and every day for the first year, it seemed, we had to discuss her inability to see the "us" in our marriage.

I think that it took way to long to get across that she was wrong and disrespectful to you in your home. I also believe that people like her do not change. Antisocial Personality Disorder is a selfish way of a person getting their way and not settling for anything less. It is an "I want & I need" type of personality. This type does not care about anyones rules. Even when he would try to set her straight she still took advantage because she knows how to manipulate people. It is an "art form" to her!

Best of luck to you in the future. If she was told by both of you what you expect of her and she tried to behave in an adult way maybe there is hope of a future. But, your husband would have to stand with you on all issues. Nothing less and he seems to cave in too easily. I'm here if you want to talk further or go to my blog Friends Welcome. Blessings, Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: blended2016 on Jul 12, 2016, 3:31PM - In reply to latrinahats
Elder exploitation is the new crime of the 21st centurry.  One in forty cases are reported. The perpretator is vey likely to be a family member.  Some signs of elder exploitation are insidious such as the mail is intercepted, phone calls are unanswered or the elder stops calling you ( your  phone has been  number erased), an elder defers to another family member even though he/she is capable of making decisions. More obvious signs are physical neglect, weight loss, payments for expensive items that an elder would never purchase, missing bank statements, cancelled credit cards, a sudden change by appointing a new Medical and Financial Power of Attorney and a new executor of a will.  The elder is isolated from family and friends by the perpretator. Elders over 70 are more likely ( 50%) to have a decline in cognition such as judgement. While families focus on internal rivalries, they are missing the fact that their loved one is suffering emotionally at the hands of another. The Greatest Generation was raised to take care of their family and to never complain. Expoitive children usually have drug, alcohol and gambling addictions and also have a misguided sense of entitlement. If you suspect that your loved one is suffering and I emphazise suffering -  report it to the common entry point of your county. They investigate elder abuse and exploitation. No amount of money will ever replace a parent- do not dwell on that- rather be aware of the emotional pain that an elder suffers usually when they are at the frailest stages of their life. REPORT THAT !
 
Replied By: sue43981 on Jul 12, 2016, 3:13PM
I have let my sister-in-law run all over me.  She is playing a game I don't understand.  I am a quiet, patient and tolerant person. Here are some of the things she has done.


Five years ago she invited herself for a week's visit to our winter rental in the south.  I am a caregiver to our adult son.  He was having a psychotic episode.  Things had to be quiet.  She knew this and came anyway. My husband told her she could have the 2nd bedroom and our son could sleep on the couch in the living room in a small condo.  I knew he couldn't tolerate this.I moved to a hotel with my son.  She wouldn't rent a car so my husband took her around in ours.I was left with nothing.  I was beyond furious.  Then they made fun of my son's eating habits when they both have eating problems.


Another winter a relative died and my husband flew to her airport to drive her 600 miles to the funeral.  I was more or less told to stay at winter home.


She used my master bathroom and not the guest bathroom I gave her ONLY when I left the house.


She sent out a family email announcing her spring plans which was when I learned she and her son would be staying at our our house for a week.


She came with the stomach flu for a week.  My husband and another sister caught it.  I didn't.


She cooked in my kitchen when I left the house and left the dirty pots and pans in the sink that night.  Then she put them away dirty the next morning.


She locked me out of my house.  She doesn't like to ring the doorbell when she comes so she paid me back. 


She moved a box of her pictures from our old house to our new house when we were moving.  Yes, she came and stayed a week when we were moving and didn't help.  And yes that's the only box she carried.  I told her no to not move her things in my house.  She argued with me and said my husband said it would be ok.


She sent me an email on how to be kind to other people.  Just me.


Doesn't like what we watch on tv


Critizes my parenting.


Drove our new car before I did.  Came when we bought it and my husband let her dirve 150 miles 3 or 4 times to see her grandchildren.  I was left with old car.


My husband made her rent a car on one visit and she made him take her back to the airport to return it the next day.  Too expensive.  Then drove ours.


She knows I don't want her staying with us anymore but she doesn't care.  My husband told her she couldn't stay because I don't like her.  She can't u;nderstand why.  I know it's my fault for letting it go on.  I thought all sisters should be welcome no matter what.Can't just kick one out and let others in.  I don't think that anymore.  She just keeps bullying.
 
Replied By: blended2016 on Jul 12, 2016, 3:11PM
Never did I think that I would be the scapegoat and so hated by my husband's children.  We have been married for ten years.  His children were in their teens at that time.  I read and studied the issues that blended families have. I supported my husband's decisions about raising his children. My support has been emotional, financial, and by setting an example.  I am aware that I am not the biological mother and I have never interfered with that relationship. What I am sadly finding out is that children of divorce need counseling long before their biological parent remarries. Also , as these children age, they are more prone to drug and alcohol abuse. And these addictions take a very heavy toll on everyone involved.  Children of divorce are more apt to see only one person as the cause of their unhappiness and that is usually the step parent who enters that arena with the very best of intentions and learns very quickly that no matter what good is accomplished that it is only fleeting. God bless Step Parents- you have decided to love another's child unconditionally.  Maybe it is time to literally "step " back and realize that you are not the issue. The issue is the loss of that first family. 

 
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