Family

 
Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
Comments
Replied By: spiritual7365 on Jun 25, 2016, 11:03AM - In reply to robison
Hi Robison,   It is so sad that not only did you suffer a loveless childhood, but to be sexually abused for years by the one person who should be protecting you is horriffic. It boggles the mind that you have lived with these negative feelings for so many years. I can tell you one thing, in Spirituality (not religion) we have come to learn that when we die we have to face all the good and bad that we have done verbally and physically. We have to experience what our victim went through at our hands. So your mother by these standards had to feel your pain and it was immense I imagine. This is done so the soul can understand why they acted against the people they hurt. The person then would want forgivness.

It is your decision to suffer further or to lay this to rest. It is hard work to come to a place in your heart where you can forgive their idiocy, as I mentioned before, and your mother's cruelty. It is now your time to take your power back from those you stole your childhood. You can do this by seeing the problems that the adults had  and how their selfish agendas were their motivation for their actions. You were innocent and it is hard to understand how they could act that way. But remember they were not operating with any kind of morals that we have. They were not normal so you can't apply logic to their behaviors.

 I truly feel for your suffering and if you wish feel free to friend me or write on my blog. I care about how you do going forward. I also applaud you for creating normalacy in your life since. Blessings, Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: robison on Jun 24, 2016, 2:37PM - In reply to spiritual7365
Thank you for your kind words. I have been in and out of therapy for over 33 years. My son's are 30 and 26. I have been diagnosed with major severe depression and bi-polar disorder and I am medicated for those. I don't remember a lot about my childhood, and what I do remember is all bad. My birth mother sexually abused me until the age of 12, whenever I would visit. The only person Ive ever told that too is my therapist and my husband. I would never tell my son's that, I wouldn't want them to be scared because of what happened to me. I believe it is my job to protect them as much as possible, and I would never want to cause them pain because of what I went through.
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on Jun 24, 2016, 12:37PM - In reply to robison
Hi Robison,    I read your post and it boggles the mind how hurtful people can be and especially when they are your relatives. But you must believe this, it is not you and you have done nothing wrong. I have studied behaviorly messed up people for lack of a better description and your bio  parents (loosly put ) and your adoptive parents lacked what was needed to appreaciate you and to love you. They all put their needs above yours and misguidedly in the case of your father/grandfather who tried to force the cousins/siblings to accept you in their lives which never works.

The pain you have from this mixed up and sometimes cruel childhood is very real and still an upset in your life now. Also, because your sons don't understand it and you have tried as any good mother to shield them from it, the loss and pain is all the more increased. Trying to expain to kids ( you didn't mention their ages ) is not easy because you yourself can't make sense of it. You must come to grips with all of this hurt before you can help them understand it.

Having the pain and if it is interferring with your day to day life now, then it must be dealt with. You might not want to seek counseling and I get that that is hard to do. Learning to love yourself for who you are and were back then is a first step. If you could talk to the young girl you were back then what would you tell her about how she feels? Wouldn't you want to comfort her and make her see that nothing she did or didn't do caused the pain she is feeling? Saying you are sorry to her for things that were not her fault might help. You had no power to control then or now whether she was accepted. The problem wasn't with you it was with the adults who made decisions for you. They chose how they treated you and they refused to see how wonderful you were and are now. Sometimes we have to forgive others for our own sake not theirs.

Be good to your self and take pride that you came through it all and turned into a terriffic mother and wife. You have NO BLAME in any of it. To get past it though, takes understanding and forgiveness for the ignorance that the adults back then operated under. Selfishness and ignorance on their part is their burden not yours. Love yourself now so that their unlove won't have any more power over you.

I wish you all the best and if you would like to communicate further please write on my blog. You are the survivor here and you are the one who can change how you feel. You do not require their love to be the wonderful women you are today. Blessings, Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: robison on Jun 23, 2016, 6:47PM
I was adopted at the age of 5 by my birth mothers parents. I never fit in anywhere, to my parents, I was their daughter, but to their 9 children I was just another neice, and to their children I was a cousin.  My Dad forced them all to call me sister and that made them just resent me all the more.  Now that my parents are both gone no one in the family has anything to do with me, this hurts more than I can say. My birth mother also is dead.  My birth father, well thats a whole different story, he never really had anything to do with me until he became older and now needs me.  I have never felt loved, my mother once told me, at a very young age, that she adopted me out of obligation, and she even tried to give me back to my birth mother when I was 7, she wouldn't take me.  I just don't understand how people can be so crule. I truly believe that sometimes it's better not to know your birth family. I know that my case is not a rule, but an exception.
What I want to know is how to get past all the hurt. I am a 49 year old woman, I have been married to my husband for over 25 years and we have to grown sons. I have sheilded my sons from my family, and they just don't know why.  They do know some things about how my birth parents just threw me away, and went on about their lives, yes they would visit me sometimes, more the birth mother than the father.  but it was only when it was convient for them. It still breaks my heart to know my birth father spent more time with his 2nd wives children than me, and the funny thing about that is we lived in the same town and even went to the same school, so I was always having to hear about how great a time they had with him. My parents would let my birth parents visit or even have me at their homes anytime they wanted, they just didn't want me. What was wrong with me that they didn't want me.
 
Replied By: sandie801 on Jun 18, 2016, 4:22PM
You all would not believe how dense I've become.I had begun watching your shows again in syndication on the OWN in this past year.  I thought you were off the air when I found you on CBS at 3;00.  Iwas delighted.  I had become quite frustrated by your attitude with a particular guest.  So I was glad I could still contact your show.


I dont remember his name, but 


he aired his anger over his wife taking his three children out of he country with no trace, to England I believe..  He was in two episodes that I know of.  I was very shocked and surprised that you could not see who this man truly was.  He passed the polgraph simply because he's a sociopath narcisist.  He believes his lies, so the polygraph would be unsucessful at detecting his deception.


Congratulations on the many yyears you've been on air.  I think your wonderful and I know that I would be an appropriate guest for any subjject because I've lived three lifetimes in a mere 55 years.  Would love to share with you sometime.  Would love to share with you sometime.
 
Replied By: txstorm2 on Jun 16, 2016, 2:52AM
several presidential declared disasters in 90 days, leaving us car-less, 27 weeks into a healthy pregnancy...

The major issue- I am a full-time driver (9yrs, personal vehicle) not having a car is sort of a big deal..

Please, Google search "the woodlands flood"

yes we had the notorious "tax day" floods in April that postponed our final tax return day by months.  But that was just the beginning.

The "May" floods were unexpecte, and unexplainable. 3 storms lasted 6 hours-2 storms lasted 10 minutes... 10 minutes.. leaving us 12 feet of water in some places. Honest. 

I witnessed several disturbing incidents that will never be forgotten. People lost their lives while others lost everything. Our neighbors used kayaks to get out of their homes. The coast guard and seemed like military personnel rescued countless lives that were caught in the sudden violence that invaded our community..



I managed to lose my vehicle, I got stranded 9 hours across the street from work- while on the clock. This happened during the first storm, it began around 430pm on a Thursday. I attempted to go home around 10pm and I was unsuccessful, due to the "very early Friday morning storm."


FEMA just opened 3 additional locations due to absolutely overwhelming- needed assistance.. Our churches obviously are doing everything they can, they are sending everyone to "interfaith" to receive assistance, it's just a chaotic scene here. Still..


I know, your thinking why not go get a new vehicle.. Unfortunately, I'm battling my 30k unsecured personal debt. My "debt to income" ratio is 20% higher than the limit. I'm sitting around 60% DTI ratio.. I've added 13k in 3 months due to car repairs, time taken off due to car, bills, etc...

My credit was ruined due to these storms. Impossible for us to get a car...

I don't know what we need in life. However, I do know that we are losing hope, faith, and confidence- for our little fella that's due October 1st... 

That's my story, our story. i have all the documents and photos needed for any reason   

christian & sarah


txstorm2@gmail.com

 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on May 26, 2016, 6:00PM - In reply to sue43981
Hi Sue43981,    You do have a tough decision to make. I think it would be helpful to ask your self some questions of why you feel the need or urge to tell this secret now. Have you been afraid that this would get discovered from another source, because you mentioned family members know?  Are you worried that this child/adult might come forward unexpectadly? It is a fact that you know the possible reactions that might result from this confession. Ask your self if this is wearing on your mind and are you suffering anxiety because of it. After considering these thoughts, what would be the best case senario to happen. Do you feel deep inside the urge to tell this? Then perhaps that is your inner soul telling you that it is time to be honest and believe that your kids will accept it as a human decision that was at the time all you could do. Explaining secrets like this can also have a positive effect by showing how each of us has frailities in situations and might bring out their compassion for you and what you suffered by the decision. Don't underestimate the deep love your kids have for you and though they may react shocked at the beginning they just might prove that secrets do not have to be suffered alone. They will see how deeply you may now in hindsight regret it. Give them a chance to show you what beautiful souls they are and you raised them so claim that pride. Hope this helps, Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: sue43981 on May 26, 2016, 9:25AM
Should I tell my sons I gave up a child for adoption 50 years ago?  What happens when you tell someone a secret like that?  My oldest is well adjusted and happy.  My youngest has a serious mental illness and needs help although he is doing better than he ever has with a new medication.  He struggles with his thoughts but handles it.  My husband and my immediate family has known this for years.  I hate keeping secrets but would not want to at the expense of another pyschotic episode or I don't know what.
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on May 25, 2016, 5:15PM - In reply to asadachiguy
Hi Asadachiquy,    My heart goes out to you for what you have suffered. Growing up should not be so hard and it is evident that your Dad loved you immensley.  You brought love and joy to his life and I'm sorry for your loss.

Your mother sounds like she lacks compassion and the basic nurturing trait that is required to love a child. To not give you the love of a mother is to me spiteness, since it appears she did not want the adoption and was forced into it. But once you were adopted to hold back on giving you a warm and happy childhood does not speak well on her capacity to love.

As it stands on how she has turned her back on you and your family, it is not surprising that it is very hard to understand. We all want to be loved and accepted in our lives by the people who matter to us the most. If she cannot give you the respect and care that you deserve, than something needs to change. Since we cannot control how others feel toward us we can control how we react. I'm sure you have heard this before and it still doesn't take away your hurt. But what you can do is examine yourself and see that you ARE worthy of a mother's love, it just wasn't her. She has passed up on the opportunity to have you and her grandkids in her life and someday she may come to regret this. In the meantime you can spend your life creating the family that you want and being the loving parent that I'm sure you are. Maybe, this major life experience had to happen so that you would see the real value of Integrity, compassion, etc. that is inside of you. Wishing for it to be different is self-defeating and though it is painful take heart that you are not a product of the type of Love or Non-Love she has displayed. Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: asadachiguy on May 24, 2016, 4:09PM
I was adopted when I was 11 months old. My adoptive parents already had 3 girls and 1 boy. My dad wanted one more child and wanted that child to be a boy however was nervous that he and my mom would end up having another girl. So when the time came when he brought up the subject of adoption, my mom objected vehemently. As it turned out, my dad threatened my mom with divorce if she did not concede. She ended up agreeing to the adoption with her own reservations.


You see, she never approved of adoption and raised me with resentment. I was never treated or accepted as a part of the family. My dad was my hero and seeing as how I was constantly treated by my siblings and my maternal family, I was his favorite. At 16, he died of a long bout of cancer. Shortly thereafter, it was payback time. I was thrown out of the house constantly, my mom allowed my siblings and her family to shame, abuse and disregard me. We've never gotten along; as long as I could remember. 

Now in my 30's with my own children, she does not inquire of them - even her great grandchild. I once asked her why she was the way she has been my whole life. Her reply was that I don't have blood.

There are many time I have thought that I feel as though my life and maturity stopped at 16. When she gave raising me or doing what she was forced to do by my father. I try as much as possible to make some kind of connection with her and my siblings. Nothing works. I feel as though I have no family.
 
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