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Family

 
Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
Comments
Replied By: oceanentity on Sep 5, 2014, 11:40AM - In reply to maria2014
Hello Maria and thank you for being brave enough to share your bullying story. I am SO glad that your family have stopped teasing you . Bullying is self destroying and it has eroded your self worth and self esteem. Please if you ever feel like ending you own life , LIFE LINE has experienced councellors to call or a new chat part please use them. You need some professional councelling also ok to help you unravel what the bullying has done and begin to heal the wounds inflicted. guess what the good news is ? theres hope, you CAN and will heal from this and go on to lead a beautiful life , and you will have the wisdom to help other bully victims. 


would love to hear about your healing progress ok.
 
Replied By: oceanentity on Sep 5, 2014, 11:31AM - In reply to malec1750
Hello , i can SO feel your anguish in this situation through your words. Firstly i would like to reflect on what DR Phil says consistently reguarding In law situations , it is YOUR husbands responsibility to communicate to HIS family NOT yours , HE has to make the firm stand that YOU and his children are his FIRST and main priority. That he will NOT tolerate any bullying from his sister or mother. He has to say this firmly and not back down. He needs to make it clear that this is what HE wants for HIS family ( and not throw you under the bus and say hes doing what you say or on those lines ) he needs to want this for his family. he needs to be the HERO in this situation as DR Phil always says .


Next time you find yourself at your sister in laws or his mothers house and it turns into arguments or violence , protect your childrens wellbeing pick them up and get out of there, then your HUSBAND needs to enforce to them that in NO WAY will he allow HIS children to be subjected to that kind of abuse, that any time they chosse to act in this way around his children you will all be leaving immediately. and this needs to be followed through , just get up and leave.


with reguards to your sister in laws remarks towards you etc, dont play into the drama. be consistent with your responses say " i will not respond to what i know i have not done or said " and thats it nothing more nothing less . theres no need to add fuel to the fire reguardless to how or who started it but your sister in law sounds like she has a penchant for drama and trouble but when you remain consistent, without responding by telling your reasons you allow yourself to be her channel for the drama, so this one sentence over time will set the boundary from you to her of what you WILL NOT tolerate.This goes for your mother in law also.


dont feel guilty if you have to make the decision not to go to their house because of their abusive natures , you are not subjecting your children to that rubbish behavior. There is nothing wrong with wanting your children to grow up in a good healthy peaceful environment. You wouldnt let a stranger berate your children dont let the extended family . NO WAY.


good luck ok. stay strong. do this for your children.
 
Replied By: oceanentity on Sep 5, 2014, 11:12AM - In reply to bonniemay916
Hello and thank you for sharing your trajic early life story, phew you really are a survivor and you have done SO well for yourself and your children , good for you ! pat yourself on your back. please tell yourself that your mother is still thinking of you as you describe a " loser " is her lack of love and compassion for her child,( you) and no matter what you did to acheive anything in your life SHE will always say something negative because she seems to be negatively wired. IT IS NOT YOU IT IS HER. 


stop tormenting your  self worth by needing her validation, you DONT need this . she is still able to affect your wellbeing and accomplishments , she is still stealing your happiness, and as DR PHil says in these situations


You are only a certain percentage pretty much as even a mother or wife not 100 % because you allow her selfishness and disfunction as a mother to erode and penetrate your wellbeing and ultimately your life. Please gift yourself councelling to change this negative pattern she has imposed on you and FREE yourself. YOU DESERVE to be happy, your husband and children deserve a mum whos 100 % there, a woman who requires only her own validation not validation from a mother who cant love herself enough let alone her children or grandchildren.


i wish you all the best . congratulations on your acheivements that is so admirable and inspiring to all of those who are in childhoods like yours was to see that they can rise above any barrior and achieve anything. when you heal this need for her validation please come back and reflect it here i think that would be great wisdom to SO many who are in this exact position.
 
Replied By: oceanentity on Sep 5, 2014, 10:59AM - In reply to smartgal2014
Hello , this sounds so heart breaking. I think you really need to give your 26 year old son some credit , try and focus on your relationship between your son and you, NOT the relationship between your ex husband and yourself or the relationship between your son and his father. It is your sons own business if he CHOOSES to allow himself to have a relationship with his father he is a grown man. I know personally even as an adult when my mother speaks ill still to this day of my father it just puts more and more distance between her and i, nothing she says about their past can change my experience of him. ( and no disrespect to her )


For your son to invite you into his therapy session to read a letter to you reguardless to if you agree on what he had to say or not speaks volumes , he WANTS a relationship with you but he needs someone else to mediate between him and yourself. What was it he wrote in the letter , i think this will help this board be able to really help you , reguardless to you feeling this was true or not. 


as DR Phil constantly says ask yourself what can YOU do to improve the situation , how can YOU build your relationship with your son. HOW can YOU validate his concerns and his feelings towards you.


how can YOU learn to listen to him and communicate better with him as an adult. ( if he feels he requires a therapist to assist him to speak to you ) he feels he is unable to do so by himself. I think this is what YOU need to look at in yourself as to why he feels he needs someone there to speak to you.


either way good luck i hope your family heals
 
Replied By: oceanentity on Sep 5, 2014, 10:42AM - In reply to ginnycarter
I really feel your daughter in law needs seperate councelling first , because if your son doesnt SEE that what he is doing is putting his family and marriage at risk then he wont go to that 8 week parenting seminar. also is a parenting seminar what he needs ? theres more going on with him it sounds like.


SHE needs the tools to communicate to him in a way that he will see is serious on her part. Possibly the ultimatum of leaving in order to protect these children from his anger. This May prompt him into going to see a councellor to get to the underlying issue thats causing him this anger and impatience. Then this person can de escalate his anger out bursts by providing him with coping skills , then look at goals to manage the reasons behind these out bursts.


hes YOUR son , why dont YOU talk to him about your own concerns and observations. like DR Phil says he didnt just learn this behavior over night, it has come from his upbringing on how he deals with situations. Reguardless to how you raised them , and the rules you enforce in your home when the grandchildren are there is what YOU do. what your son and his wife do with the kids in reguards to discipline is THEIR business.
 
Replied By: oceanentity on Sep 5, 2014, 10:31AM - In reply to tx2006girl
Hello, from the " in law " shows i have watched on DR phil he strictly says it is YOUR husbands responsibility to communicate with HIS family, that your husband needs to prevent conflict by putting your concerns and needs as his number 1. That it is YOUR responsibility to deal with HIS concerns with YOUR family.


He needs to be Firm and consistent in what he enforces and allows no room for interpretation on HIS families part basically THAT IS THE WAY IT IS. and he needs to state carefully and respectfully that it is what HE wants for his family ( meaning you ,him and the baby) not a cop out basically of " oh lets just keep the peace, or its what SHE wants ) 


DR PHIL also points out that communication is the key here , that on your part HOW you convey your concerns and wishes is crutial . Probably it may have been ideal to of talked to your mum in law privately later about why you would just like your husband and yourself at the birth and it is in no means as a disrespect or exclusion of her.


ah camera flashes ? theres no evidence it hurts the babies, but you were a new mother and we all know how that can be, but again as dr phil says it needed to be communicated of how you felt , surely you can understand how proud they were of this new baby ? like every extended family member in the history of the world are ..they take photos. DR Phil always says 


" pick your battles carefully " . dont offend your husbands own family by commenting on this house they go to stay. 


some things like her comments about the breast feeding need to be taken with a grain of salt , laughed off ..really or be serious but communicate it in a caring way .


Either way councelling would benefit your husband and you other wise this will escalate and drive a wedge between you. His parents luckily want to be in their grandbabies life , it needs to be peacefully resovled. Again as DR PHIL says someone in this situation needs to be a hero and it might as well be YOU.
 
Replied By: ciezee on Aug 30, 2014, 1:02PM
I need helpful advice. I am absolutely making myself sick about daughter’s living arrangements, and I don’t know what else to do. It is with the last bit of hope in me that someone will see this and talk me through this. I wouldn’t care if it didn’t involve my six-year old grandson and a grandbaby that’s due to be born in about five months.

 My daughter moved out of the house when she was 17 at the advice of a, ahem, ‘psychiatrist’. She developed epilepsy at the age of 14 as a result of what was to be discovered a traumatic brain injury at the age of three when our family car was violently hit by a drunk driver (March 13, 1991). She had her first seizure on June 15, 2001.

Her personality took a 180º spin. She went from a quiet, shy girl with a *good*, close friends to a promiscuous, violent, fighting, smart-mouthed teenager every parent dreads. On January 31, 2007, she called me on my first day at a new job to tell me she was pregnant. Our precious grandson was born via planned c-section on October 1, 2007. She and her “baby daddy” got married nearly nine years after they met (June 29, 2012). She’s been hinting for about a year that she wanted to have another baby, but I point-blank told her she had no such business doing so: 1) she hasn’t finished her high school education; 2) She hasn’t had a lesionectomy that could potentially cure the epilepsy; and 3) her husband, for whatever reason, won’t get a legitimate job. They are all living on my daughter’s SSI check and his mom’s Social Security check, which combined is less than my monthly SSDI check. I’m 95% sure of that.

 Oh yeah. I forgot to mention. They just got evicted from the tiny 2 bedroom bungalow they’d been renting for the past 5.5 years. They have one week from today (or until September 6th) to get out.

 I don’t want to be an enabler. They clearly got themselves into this mess, but it’s my grandchildren that concern me. There’s a LOT more to this story; however, this is where I will leave it for now. I’m so angst-ridden that I’ve made myself sick.


Will someone please help me?
 
Replied By: tx2006girl on Jul 30, 2014, 5:06PM
I could really use a little advice in this situation. I am having problems with my relationship with my MIL and FIL which is causing marital problems with my husband.

My husband and I started trying to have our first child in March 2005. In May 2005 we discovered we were pregnant we decided to share the news at a family reunion in May. So I announce the PG and my MIL immediately chimes in that she will be at the delivery. She did this in front of a room full of relatives and I responded that no, she would not be there. This set the tone for the down hill slide in our relationship. And here are the things that continued to happen over the last eight years:

The show up at the hospital when our son was born and immediately begin taking flash pictures right in his face. I let them take a couple and then since I was still imobile from an emergency C-section I told them to give me the baby and get out. I could tell the bright flash was bothering my son. My husband was a work when they showed up. 

My MIL somehow finds out when we are going to go home for the hospital and shows up unannounced and uninvited at our apartment. I go into the bathroom to change the baby and then go into our bedroom and shut the door to breastfeed our son. 

She makes comments about breastfeeding for the entire year that I was nursing and when she does see our son, she will say things to him instead of to me, for example she would say, when is  mommy going to stop breastfeeding so I can take you home with me?

She constantly made comments about having my son overnights in her home, but not to, just in front of me and to my son who was too young to understand really. 

Both MIL and FIL made comments to my son before age two about getting a haircut because we let his hair grow long. Not to me and just to my son. 

I finally just stopped going to events where they were going to be present and did not allow my son to spend the night with them until he was about 4. 


ILs own property in an adjacent state. It has a dilapidated house on it and a travel trailer they stay in when they go visit this property. They have repeatedly asked to take him to this state. I am not comfortable with this so I always say no. Over the last few years, they  have started asking my son, "When is mommy going to let you come to LA with us?" 

A couple of weeks ago they again asked to take my son out of state, to a different state, about 12 hours from here. Husband and I discussed it and decided that he could not go. Last week my son went to stay with them overnight and he came home and said to me"Why can't I go to other state with ILs" He is almost in tears, very upset. 


I am very frustrated with my ILs behavior. I think it is passive aggresive and manipulative. And I suspect my husband is putting all the blame on me for not allowing our son to go instead of presenting a united front. I decided that my son is not allowed to visit at the inlaws home anymore. They can come here, we can go out somewhere, but I think that they are using my child against me and I am angry. Please give me your thoughts. 

 
Replied By: unhapless on Jun 20, 2014, 9:09AM
I am probably a schizoid, i have zero friends, very few emotions most I have to fake, smiles, laughs and loves. I don't even know what love is suppose to be or what I say hold any true meaning. This started when I was 13, and for the most part, through the depression, I have learn to live like this. Everything I just said I am perfectly okay with, now I am sure the rest of the world isn't, but thats another story.


The real issue I having is I am with someone who I am more or less married too, we are just not legally married due to her horrble debt. We have a high energy son. And the very reason I am writing this, is its getting to the point where my anger is getting out of control. I am not hurting them physically, but I will bust in rage, punching the floor, destroying what is around me. My partner has begged me to calm down, and not act this way. She has become scared of my reactions, and scared that next time I might hurt our son.


Now, we have spoke about this extensively, and more or less it boils down to this. The first statement about being a schizoid is probably true. I need my alone time, its how I recharge my batteries. I need to be in a place with no noise, dim lights, and letting myself do what I enjoy most. However its a stuggle to make that happen, if I get that time, she doesn't get that time with me. So I've not gotten that time to myself, which makes myself upset. Worst is this flows into work as well, my coworkers have seen some uglier sides as well.


Overall I am unhappy, and it hard to even explain what I feel. Honestly when I look at what I have, it seems like I was selfish for going into this relationship and even more selfish to bringing a child into this world. I become sad thinking about what I've done, its not fair to them. I do not have the emotions they need... I've tried my best to fake as mush as possible, but at the end of the day I just cannot kept it up. I become upset, agressive and snap at both of them, breaking out in rage is certainly not helping the situation either. Considering my current position, I don't care about myself right now, I can be happy later, however I don't know how to approach my partner this time around. Last time I told her half truths, as I've never told anyone that I do not have all the emotions they thinks I have. The only reason I would even bring this up, is to help her understand myself, but thinking every time I say "Your beautiful" or "I love you", or "That was fun", she will then know that in reality I don't give two cents about any of that.

On top of that she use to be bi-polar, and was on meds, she got off the meds but really never was clear to be off them. She went through postpartum depression and I was to care for our son, cook, clean, etc, the second I came home until I went back to work, that lastest for 13 months living on 2-3 hours of sleep a night. I am getting more sleep now(3-5 hours) but she still wants the break she had from when I get home, until I go back to work.
 
Replied By: wingedrunner on Jun 12, 2014, 10:12PM - In reply to ginnycarter
Unless he has invited you to hear your opinion on his parenting, I would suggest to stay out of it. That is his family, his daughters and his life to manage not yours. If he and his wife are looking into classes then let them do that in peace. If he is being resistant to counsel, then let him do that too in peace. There is no reason that you should be interfereing with his lifestyle unless he has given you access to do so.


Im wondering what suggestions you are needing???? It is not your job to manage his parenting style...manage yourself and your time with the girls and thats that. Sure, it might be hard to see his choices not resemble your past family lifestyle but that is life, and free will. Honestly, unless he is abusive, or tearing the family apart there is nothing you can do but manage your time well with your grand kids.


In order for change to happen, there has to be connection. If there is no connection between you two to actually speak into his life, then you are going to be wasting your time. WHat are you trying to accomplish with this post???? just curious.
 
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