Family

 
Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
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Replied By: rachelrach00 on Apr 25, 2016, 7:15AM
I am a 25 year old with Asperger's looking for some advice on the issues going on with my family. My family consists of me, my mom, and her boyfriend Rich. Rich has been in my life for 15 years now. It started out okay at first. He was a nice, light-hearted guy. But as the years went by, my mom and I got to see what Rich is really like.

Rich grew up with an abusive father who beat him regularly. He clearly still harbors a lot of anger towards him. Rich has confronted his father several times. I think he is expecting more than just a simple apology, which I'm pretty sure he isn't going to get. Rich has also been in the military for 30+ years. He is a Vietnam veteran, who is a victim of Agent Orange. So he harbors even more anger at our government. Mom and I are positive that he has PTSD, but Rich always denies this.

The problem that I am having is that Rich has so much anger in him that he ends up taking it out on my mom and myself. Even the littlest thing will set him off. I once was yelled at for not putting the dishes in the dishwasher correctly. My mom is in her early sixties now and I can tell he is getting very frustrated with her forgetfullness. From my perspective, it seems like he views her as more of a burden than a lover.

The biggest thing that we're fighting about now is the fact that I am struggling to find a job. My Asperger's is limiting me to what I can do, but Rich doesn't understand that. All he sees is a 25 year old, mooching off her mother, and playing video games all day. I do admit that I game frequently but it is not the only thing I do. I look for jobs everyday and it is difficult to find something I believe I am capable of doing. Like I said, Rich doesn't understand that. Honestly, I think he doesn't believe in mental illness. His reasoning for me declining certain jobs is that they're beneath me.

I can understand that mental illness is a hard concept to grasp. I can understand his frustration at the job market, because I am equally frustrated. What I can't understand is how he communicates these frustrations to my mom and I. He talks to us like we're low level grunts, instead of his family. He wants a full report of what we did during the day. Instead of asking for something, he orders us to do it. For example, Rich isn't technology savvy so he needs my help going on the computer. Instead of saying, "Can you please look this up for me?" he says, "I want you to look this up and print me a copy by tonight." It's like he can't break out of his military thinking.

So after another big fight and another promise to be better to each other broken, I don't know what else to do. Mom and I want to get help, but Rich refuses to see a "quack shrink." If things don't change soon, this family is going to be torn apart. If anybody has any advice, please tell me.
 
Replied By: qwerty2000 on Apr 24, 2016, 3:18PM
Need help my daughter and boyfriend are addiced to the xbox and internet 15 hrs a day or more then the rest she sleeps sad new is they have a 14 month old baby  that me and my husband take care of my granddaughter stays asllep for almost 20 hrs. We have her all night and she only get her wile im at work for about 5 hrs . My daughter will not feed her or love her she never washed cloths in 2 yrs no joke so much more but I need someone to talk to they are moving 2000 miles way in less then 10 days HELP PLEAASE
 
Replied By: mrssimonsez on Apr 9, 2016, 10:01PM
I'm not exactly sure why I am writing this here, maybe I just needed to get things out and maybe hear some feedback or advice I can give. I wasn't sure if I should post this in the marriage or divorce board but considering it's not my marital issues but my mother'a I figured the family board will be my best bet.  Please excuse if I begging to rant. 


My mom and stepdad have been together for over twenty years but weren't officially married until 2010. Things were going pretty well after they were officially married, even though both my brother and I were already into out twenties he started calling us his children and my mom was so happy that we were all a family and we all finally felt like one.



However, three years ago his siblings and father all moved up from Florida. I wish they didn't.  This brings me to the issue at hand. My step father has has two brothers and three sisters, and for the most part all of them are great,really awesome people to be around. But there are always those that spoil everything. His one sister  moved up here with her teenage daughter ... Ripping her from yet another school and let me say her daughter  has learning disability and has not had proper consistent education...which brings me to when things started to go bad. Because she didn't like the school around here for her daughter she tried to guilt my stepfather into paying for a private school for her daughter.  My stepfather's sister...let's call her Jane to protect her identity ..then tried to get their father to force the issue with him paying for the school. My mom  was not happy, she understands the need to help family  but my stepfather did not help when it came time for our schooling and also this was time were they were suppose to take care of themselves and get ready for retirement and things like that.  As my mom said my stepfather isnt her daughter father, why not ask him. That was the only begining of issues, Jane would tell my stepfather that my mom was saying things about her and calling her names, like hoe...not true by the way Ive seen the messages. She would also claim that mom said she couldn't come to various events hosted at the house...again I've seen proof that this wasn't true. This continued and my stepfather for most part believed everything Jane said. You would think Jane was his wife instead of my mom. A little over a year ago they were really close to a divorce until his brother stepped in and basically told him a lot of the bs his sister pulls.  My stepfather apologized to my mom and said it wouldn't happen again.  Ha... This past Easter their was an argument between my mom and his other sister. He left with my mom and with that you would assume he was backing my mom up... nope.  He took the dog for a walk, straight to Jane's hair salon that she owns. My mom found out that he does that a lot, stopping by and talking about his marriage and mentioning things he really shouldn't.  Needless to say my mom was beyond upset and it seemed to her that nothing had really changed at all. 


As I said above Jane own's a hair salon and my stepfather's two nieces are hair dressers there.  They hated working for her and at least one of them seemed on the verge on brake down because of how they were being treated and how things at the salon were being managed by Jane, especially money wise. They decided to give Jane a months notice that they were leaving and she freaked out telling them to leave now and she doesn't need them. There are now rumors around the neighborhood painting the two nieces in the wrong and Jane the innocent one. This even totally affected the family, my stepfather, his siblings, and his father all seem to back Jane... Even the girls father, my stepfather's brother.  This event just put more strain on my Parents. I can't understand. Even my stepfather's oldest sister who never gets involved in things tried to make things difficult. One member of his family said siblings come first then wife and kids.

  It seems like the women that marry into this family seem, to have to some kind of issue with Jane and even some some personality traits of the men...which seem to be some they all of have for the most part. My stepfather's brother and sister -in-law had marriage issues but I believe they actually to counseling at one to at least soften and make things someone better.  My stepfather doesn't seem to want to go to counseling and I really don't think he believes he's in the wrong for his behavior, he's kinda cold at times...my mom asked if he wanted a divorce and he said if that's what you want.  Don't get me wrong my mom is by no means perfect and definitely has her own issues by the boatload but she at least wants to see someone to make their marriage work.

I really hope that things can be worked out he's the only dad I have left, I lost my biological dad in a tragic way the same year they got married. I also know my stepfather is really looking forward to eventually being a grandfather.
 
Replied By: bscs8379 on Apr 1, 2016, 6:01PM - In reply to upsetgma
I really can understand what you are going through not seeing family!  I will probably get punished for this, but I wish my son would wake up and divorce his very controlling wife.  He might be able to use his mind again without her being around to do all his thinking for him.  Your daughter in law sounds like mine.....you could apologize til you are blue in the face, but nothing changes.  My husband and I live in SC and our family lives in CT.  Last year my daughter in law started alot of trouble with my brother who rented my dad's house to them and after I found out, it wasn't in my heart to send a birthday card.  I didn't feel as if she deserved it.  My son must have heard her sing the blues for a month because when my birthday arrived, instead of my usual text message, I got a very long email about how much he loves her and how he wanted her to have a great Christmas.  Long story short, we weren't invited to their new apartment and don't even know where they live!!  We have a 7 year old granddaughter through them and I'm sure this innocent little girl misses us as much as we miss her. I apologized to him and her, but we still didn't get invited.  I am giving them time to wake up, but if we don't see our granddaughter with this year's trip, I plan on seeing a lawyer next.  


I am so glad I read your message.  It made me feel like I wasn't alone going through this and please know you aren't either.
 
Replied By: bscs8379 on Apr 1, 2016, 4:29PM - In reply to cherylcobb
Eight years is a long time not seeing grandkids.  I've been having issues with a controlling daughter in law and was banned from seeing our granddaughter last Christmas.  My husband and I are very hurt over this!
 
Replied By: sassyshannon on Apr 1, 2016, 1:46PM
I watch dr Phil all the time and one day my daughter says I want to call dr Phil I said why she said cause I need help from him I said oh what help do you need she saysl I need him to help you stop snoring cause u always wake me up lol :)
 
Replied By: brightsidetn on Mar 28, 2016, 10:40PM - In reply to cherylcobb
I so believe in the Power of Prayer....Just remember...It will be in God's timing. I have writte to be a guest on the show for a somehwat same thing. Adding you to my prayer list.
 
Replied By: cherylcobb on Mar 25, 2016, 6:12PM
I have tried for the past 5-6 years to ask for Dr. Phil help in repairing the relationship with my daughter and 4 grandsons, whom I haven't seen in almost 8 years.  I even mailed a certified letter, and I haven't heard from anyone.  So, I guess I continue to pray.
 
Replied By: kirby_t9 on Mar 17, 2016, 8:10PM
I'm not sure where to start so I'll start at the start. I met my husband April 7th of 2010. I was young stupid and had a 2 year old daughter. He had a one year old so I felt connected instantly. Well, we started dating shortly after we meet. 5 months later I found out I was pregnant with my 2nd daughter. There's were things went bad. Turns out he has been cheating on me with his Cousins' girlfriends' daughter! I should have left then, but I was homeless pregnant and out of ideas.. I stayed. shortly after I find my self pregnant with my 3rd daughter. Again found out he had cheated. This time with my best friend in my house while I was asleep. Again I know I should have left. This one opened up how mant times he has actually cheated on me! I was stunded! Again if I left him Id be on the streets no where to go..  I sucked it  up, Moved on. I married him in 2012. Pregnant with my 4th and final daughter that following Feb. 2013. So if you haven't noticed by now that I'm very stupid. June of 2013 his family attacked me I had to live in a DV shelter for 6 months til I finally get me an apartment. I live in the apartment for 2 years without an issuse from my husband. Then  he gets with a girl really bad on drugs. Gets him hooked, He then comes to me seeking help. I give him all the help I can possible give him. But he ends up cause such a scene at my apartment he gets me evicted! So again I'm homeless stuck with my one way out.. I move back in with my husband things go fine til tonight. He is sitting in jail. He tried to push me out of a moving car because I asked weather he was on drugs again... i'm guessing he is. I say all this because I want every female out there to know it doesnt get better. He will not change! I'm now struggling to find a way to keep the house up and my kids. I have no clue what I'm going to do....
 
Replied By: mokishana on Mar 11, 2016, 3:16PM
Help!  My husband left me over two years ago.  After our divorce was final, he already had a girlfriend whom he had met at a former job while we were married.  He told me they had no relationship while working, but I think they had an affair for many reasons, which I will not go into.  My daughter knows they knew each other during our marriage, but none of the other reasons ( I haven't told her those).  When we were married, we only had my daughter because my then husband only wanted one child.  His girlfriend has two young children which fact is hard for both my daughter and me.  She always wanted a sibling around her age.  Now, my daughter told me that she does not want to spend time with my ex's girlfriend, and feels that their relationship is being forced on her.  I have told her that being friends or spending time with my ex's girlfriend is not disloyal to me.  I have not bad-mouthed his girlfriend.  If my daughter does not want to spend time with my ex's  girlfriend, should she be made to or guilt tripped into doing so? For instance, my daughter was in a play (they play was about an adulterous husband who loses everything), and his girlfriend came to see her.  She was not happy. I even told her it was nice of the girlfriend to support her and see the play.    Any advice on how to handle this situation.  I have suggested going to a post divorce counselor to talk over things, but my ex says he won't do it because I am trying to control things.  I just want my daughter to be happy and feel comfortable. And yes, inside I am kind of happy, she doesn't want to spend time with her to be honest, but more importantly I want my duaghter to be happy and feel comfortable. 
 
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