Family

 
Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
Comments
Replied By: kylegr on Dec 1, 2016, 5:45PM
My mother is 79 years old and has been tearing up our family of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren with outrageous statements. She is constantly talking about us to each other and saying such horrible things. We are a great family that are all very close. When I was a child it was just my mother, father and my sister and I. My mother was physically abusive and did not show much love and attention to my sister and I. I had told my husband once that I felt like I was in the way as a child. A couple of months ago my sister just up and said she felt in the way as a child. I though wow, we both felt that way! When my kids were small we had family gatherings at my parents house and all was fine. Once my kids grew up and got married and with that have their extended families the trouble began with her. She expected she was the priority. She has gotten progressively worse in the last 16 years. She claimed I owed her money from the 1980's and filed a lawsuit against me in court. I had no idea what she was talking about. I never knew, nor did she ever tell me I owed her any money. She is my mother so I took her word for it and paid her. Her house had burned a few years ago. It was rebuilt and much nicer than the original. When the family went to see them when they moved back in, my son her grandson said he liked her new furniture, my son-in-law said he loved her new wood floors. She turned that into "they want my furniture and my house!" She kept on for months saying it is not a home anymore because she lost her things. Trying to get her to look at the positive I said "Well you have new furniture and the new wood floors you had wanted and it looks great". She turned this into and told everyone that would listen that I said it was a good thing her house burned. Today my husband received a letter at his place of employment. It was a letter that she had my dad write stating we owed them money from the 1980's!  She said she paid for things for me. One, this is not true, two why have I never heard of this until now. I fear for my dads safety. She told her grand daughter that my parents have an agreement then if one of them dies first the other will shoot themselves in the head. I can see my dad doing that. My mother on the other hand is very much about money and things. She would take the money and travel. I don't know if we can take any legal action to have her mental health checked or what we can do. There is so much stress in the family. I have not seen my parents in about 3 years and they live walking distance from me.
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on Oct 14, 2016, 2:01PM - In reply to justcindi
Hi Justcindi,    My heart goes out to you for the pain and heartbreak you are living with. It is so hard dealing with a loss when it is by normal circumstances, but when it is deliberatly done it is beyond endurable. It seems that to punish her ex-husband and his family she has cut out the parents that so want to be in their grandchildren's lives. I have never experienced this type of loss and pain but I can see how futile it all seems. The hope would be that she would at some point see how she is hurting all of you.

I know, since I have watched Dr. Phil, since his first show that he states that a child should always be surrounded by grandparents who give a special kind of love and quality to the child that is not supplied by other people not related. A grandparent's love is unique in that their being one generation removed they can offer the undconditional love that children are always enriched by. It is extremely sad that she has closed herself and her children from this abundance of love. What, I wonder is the opinion of her ex about not allowing you and your husband plus the other grandparents access to their lives?

I would say, don't give up hope that someday she will see the error she is making. She should not have the right to demand who you are friends with. Esp. since the other people are the grandparents also. Can you send mail to her and cards to the children? Does she have contact with her mother? Maybe that would be someone who would be sympathetic to you plight. Just assuming of course, but I do truly wish I could help. My prayers are with you for a resolving of this situation. And it is sad but at some point in their lives these kids will want to know the rest of their family and they will most likely resent her for depriving them of your love and the beautiful relationship you all could have been a part of. If you would like to talk further then please contact my blog, or here. Many prayers and blessings for you and the other family members, Spiritual
 
Replied By: justcindi on Oct 14, 2016, 10:51AM
I think you need to do more episodes of broken families with estranged children and grandchildren. I have written numerous times about my personal situation,  where my stepdaughter, who I used to be VERY close to, pulled out of the family, taking her 2 children (OUR grandchildren). She has now been gone for about 10 years now, due to me being best friends with her in laws, which she abruptly despised after the first baby was born.  The in laws and I were best friends, which is how she met her husband, now exhusband. Our family is now divided and unfixable. I wrote to the Dr Phil show, hoping for help, but have now given up, because now I think help wouldn't even help now. Now, she is expecting baby #3, and Im sure we will never see that lil sweet nundle of joy. I feel so much sympathy for anyone in this position and would like to see some shows on how to live estranged from my grandchildren. Life just doesn't seem as important to me anymore. Hugs to others in the same position!
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on Oct 5, 2016, 1:47PM - In reply to lovebug18
Hi Lovebug18, 

    You're so very welcome!! I'm glad it helped and I know that it is hard for you to not feel guilt at times but when you do just remind yourself that you are not disowning her but instead you are protecting in a way that small connection that you still have that isn't tainted by her control. So each day know that you are protecting your sanity and your family from turmoil that accompanies her when she is around.

Hope to stay connected on your blog or mine for chats on the shows etcl. Take care and stay strong in your reslolve to be positive and at peace.  Blessings, Spiritual 
 
Replied By: lovebug18 on Oct 3, 2016, 8:51AM - In reply to spiritual7365
Thankyou thankyou for these ever so helpful words... I completely agree with you on every point!  It's taken me 25 years to get to this place, believe me it is the hardest thing I have ever done.  I live 1200 miles from her and that's never happened, I also have not spoken to her since the first of June.  She does continue her manipulation through my brother who tells me what she says... some things involved her telling him to have his son call my son and ask him what is really going on at my home.  This just reconfirms over and over again how toxic she really is!! It seems like when I start having guilt because people tell me I still need to stay in touch with her, this is what she does.  


So, with all that said, as disturbing as it is to me I will continue to keep a rather long arms length from her.  I can't be her punching bag anymore!!!

Much thanks to you!!!

 
Replied By: catfishlady2 on Sep 29, 2016, 5:44PM
My daughter ran away to a junkie house he was to give her $250.00 each month to stay with him and she could drink, smoke, get high . stay out all night. yes it true. i take a lie detector tests . I tried to get her help I got her into see a therapist. he throught she might be bi polar. but her father told her she did not half to go. all therapist was a joke.  so she ran off to her junkie father house. she was 15teen years old. I could not find any one to help me.  no one cares. Less than a year she been arrested. she can not tell the truth. they lost the house they was living in. heard it was from a drug bust.  I sent my daughter card flowers on her birthday. only time i hear from her is when she wants something. her so call father now lives with his mother. and my daughter had a baby. i saw the baby once. for about ten minutes. her grandma tells her to stay away from me. why ?  I still do not understand why she would do this to me. for 15 years her dead beat father never help with the extars like swim team. school band. for years all i heard was him paying $250.00 in child support. when my daughter was in court they lied to the judge. she hurts me by talking to me than all of a sudden she gives me the cold shoulder.  i have no way of going to see her, i have no vehicle to do so. I was on this charity that helps you get a vehicle. only thing i got from them is hateful letter from other members. I told the CEO , he did not help me at all. i been there for 3 years. never missied a day of logging in, I was on top of my state for a vehicle. only to lose out to a person who was on there less than a year. i put my copies up that the scam was needing vehicle  donations  just have people tear it down, kicked off a church parking lot.. I knew I was never going to get a vehicle from this charity. plus my health not good. today my daughter will not talk to me. I can not get to now my granddaughter. last thing my daughter said was I never see her again. I was the one who said sorry. just so she talk to me. I never heard her say sorry, happy birthday. I been so sick I could not hold my head up. doctors did not think I was going yo make it. I was in ICU 2 weeks never had any one come see me. yes she knew about it. how do you fix this. my heart is broken into.
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on Sep 26, 2016, 9:00AM - In reply to lovebug18
Hi Lovebug,  I am writing here and on your blog. You have had a hard times and in relationships it sounds like the Mom Connection has been anything but loving. It is hard to know why some parents turn on their daughters and repeatedly try to bring them down. Maybe some jealousy is involved.

You were in the position to be treated badly and you were. The older and more responsible daughter gets the brunt of the monther's angst and continues to take the "verble beating." She must have known that you were not happy having to do it all for her while she went from one man to another. You witnesed her at her worst and she knows it, so she turned on you in anger because she didn't like your opinion of her actions. This might have been where her anger at you started. She knew you knew all her secrets and it must have bothered her a lot.

She then continued to do everything she could to make your life miserable. It is almost like she had it in for you from an early teen age. So how do you deal with her? She doesn't add anything positive to your life and doesn't seem to have your best interest. I think the toxen that she gives is damaging to say the least. There is a way though. You need to put up boundaries. Make definate rules of what you will accept from her. If she tries to put down or hurt your relationship with your sons that is not allowed! You have the power in how much acess she has in your life. Send holiday cards, and allow one or two phone calls over time but state your wishes to her. Of course she won't respect your rules but try anyway and then let her go. This is a way for you to keep your sanity. She has interceded enough. Be firm but kind and tell her you can not continue talking because of the negative feelings she brings with her. Then don't give in but instead at certain times call and inquire about her and her health. You don't have to stop communicating completely but for a while and maybe she will get it. She needs to be supportive and kind to be in your life.

It is all very hard because you want your mother's love and respect, but at this time she doesn't have any to give. So stay firm and make the decision that she does not have to hurt you anymore. Just set the rules and she will probably get mad but I think, after awhile she will understand. You have the right to take back your power and live your life the way You want and not the way She wants. Spiritual
 
Replied By: lovebug18 on Sep 25, 2016, 6:26PM
Soo of I need advice on this one... my parents divorced when I was 7 for thexample second time, I'm currently 45.  She went through man after man with a childhood full of cop calling because of alcohol related incidents.  I was a built in babysitter for two siblings, one 5 years younger and one 12 years younger.  That wasn't really the problem though, I think most older siblings have to do that.  I feel that my mom honestly stopped caring about me somewhere along the way.  She actually wrote a letter to my 8th grade boyfriend after I broke up with him saying how sorry she was that he got mixed up with me and that I was a loser... I wouldn't have believed it had I not read it!!! With that said that happened on other numerous occasions.  I to have had a couple marriages and zero approval from her, in fact she drilled me daily with ALL there faults!  Don't wanna place blame on her for it but unfortunately her torment actually worked on me therefore I would to see all there faults and divorce.


I have two boys one 22 and one 14 both have different fathers.. she works her magic on them too! Always has told me something is wrong with them and that theyre depressed because they don't have there dads.. well duh they weren't good enough remember!! Not bragging or anything but both of my kids are awesome, the older live on his own makes killer money and an all around respectful young man.  The younger is in all advanced classes and is in gifted and talented program!  Think I must have done something right.  


My last marriage was 10 years long of which I thought I was in love but he didn't really like my youngest and I tried to protect him through it all.. decided enough was enough.  My mom would come over and say things like "all your pictures make it look like you trying to be happy" ( I love family pics and display them) years from now people will love them!!!! 


I could truly go on for days talking about the things she has done to me and the manipulation she has tried on my kids!


I guess what I would like to know is it OK to shut your mom out of your life when she has nothing positive to bring to the table...? (Haven't talked to her since june) I cant forgive her for the things she's done to my kids, and through my siblings she is saying more about me! For the first time in my life I moved two states away and she was unable to manipulate that so you can imagine!!!!


Phew that was long winded, sorry!!!! 
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on Sep 14, 2016, 12:26PM - In reply to percy70
Hi Percy70,    I have not heard that from Dr. Phil per say, but I do know that it is a cold and mean spirited way to treat another person. In effect it is like saying, "You are not even worth my acknowledgement of your presence here."  That is so damaging if done repeatedly and especially to someone the person is proposed to love such as a family member.

People make the mistake of thinking if the issue is not discussed then it will just disappear. Untrue. The second something else comes up then the old issue rears its ugly head. I have raised my family with the knowledge that we should air our differences in a reasonable way. Yes, we all slam doors and get mad but we also work it out so it doesn't fester. All that comes from ignoring the issue and the person blamed is to let it grow larger each min. if it is not cleared up. Sweeping it under the rug is never the answer. Ignoring someone openly and with hostile intent is the worse way to handle disagreements. Blessings, Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: percy70 on Sep 8, 2016, 2:43PM
....I remember Dr. Phil saying at some point that ignoring someone, simpley not speaking to them, is one of the cruelest ways to treat them...at least if my memory serves me right. Does anyone remember reading that or what book it may be in?

My partner's family frequently has issues with ignoring one another instead of talking about their problems and it looks very hurtful. It's not a good precidence to set and not what I want as part of my life. Thanks in advance for your comments/help!
 
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