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Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
Replied By: amr466 on Oct 30, 2014, 2:22PM
I have been divorced for about three years now, and am also remarried.  My EX was cheating on me via text/ emails/ calling women.. MANY women.  He had become emotionally withdrawn, mean, angry.  Always putting me down and making me feel worthless. 

After getting on meds for depression, developing an ulcer.  Suffering with panic attacks and even full body hives due to stress, I asked for a divorce.  But even that wasn't until I asked him to go to counseling and his refusing.  I did my best to repair the marriage.  

It ends up that he LIED to my family (that is all he does)  and my parents/ sister took his side.  I ended up being the "cheater" because I had become close to his friend during all this.  He is now my new husband.  He was the ONLY one there for me, because my family would hang up on me when I tried to call and talk about what was going on, and ignore my MANY emails asking for support/ help.  

I asked for a divorce, and he threatened me and wouldn't let me go.  It wasn't until I save up money for a lawyer could I leave.  In the meantime, he continued his assualt on me, and went as far as totally destroying my reputation (after being told to keep the divorce quiet for the kids sake, he wrote a letter to 46 of my friends, family, my kids friends asking for "prayer"  and telling them that we were divorcing because I was cheating on him) My family didn't care.

Since then they have caught him in lies (like when he smashed my computer, and then let my then 12 year old daughter take the blame.  Later we found out he did it, and he told them he was "afriad" of me.  Yes, this man who wouldn't let ME go was afraid of me, really?)   They KNOW this !! don't care.  Or when he claimed he "lost" our pictures, our YEARS of memories.  And it turns out he had them the whole time!  They know, and don't care.  Lie after lie... and I am the one who is wrong.

I haven't been perfect.  I have lashed out in anger, PAIN !!  I want MY family !!  But no, two Christmases, and one Thanksgiving, HE is with my family.  A place I am not wanted.  Nor the three young children who live with me, who are being hurt in all this too.  But NO ONE seems to understand this.

So, how do you get the pain of losing your family to lies out of your system?  My therapist says I have to let them go,  HOW??  Does the pain of losing FAMILY to lies EVER get better?
Replied By: orphanedbybpd on Oct 30, 2014, 12:48AM
My brother and I and our extended families are estranged from our parents.  For my family and me, it's been nearly 7 years, and for my brother's family (spouse, children, grandchildren), it's been 3 or 4.  

My mother has all of the symptoms of BPD but has never been diagnosed.  She won't go to a counselor for any reason.  Even her pastor has tried, but she has chosen to be estranged from her entire family, rather than get help (or even work on any of the relationships in a professional setting).  However, all of us have come to the end of the abuse/manipulation, etc. that we can take.  

My father stands by her, and has enabled her abusive behavior -- even choosing her, walking away from (even talking with) me when I was in the hospital fighting for my life.  In his defense, she has emotionally battered him to the point he gives in, to avoid her wrath.

We all miss our father, and wish mom would seek help.  She is so tormented inside, and we would love for her to be free.  We are pained that she and dad have walked away from the 14 of us (her children and our families).  

I believe in a God that can work miracles, but at this point we wouldn't know where to begin.  We can't have her in our lives the way she is now -- it's horribly toxic, painful, stressful, fearful, and damaging. We have tried everything that we know, and nothing has helped. 

Is there any hope, or are we forever orphaned?  What if we are so worn out from the years of it all that we don't know if we have anything left for the hard work it would eventually take?  

Thank you for your input.  I would love to hear from anyone who has experienced something similar -- and the outcome or plan your family used.

Thank you!
Replied By: ruralmichmom on Oct 29, 2014, 9:48AM - In reply to gsmith0629
Not your kid, not your problem.  You can support him, however the follow thru is all on him.
Replied By: gsmith0629 on Oct 20, 2014, 6:09PM
My husband tells me what he is going to do and then he doesnt and I am the bad guy and so frustrated. For instance he told his child the other day that if she didn't say no sir instead of just no he would take her phone away for 15 min each time. That worked for about 30 min and now nothing is being done. He gets upset with me if I try to step in or remind him. This is one of many times he says one thing and we agree and then he does another. It's his word. I am exhausted! Please tell me what you think
Replied By: normalita1 on Oct 13, 2014, 5:19PM
my daughter was divorced 8 months ago.  She moved home to be near her family.  She gaveup  a high powered job in California to work part time here and part time for us.  She lived with us for a while, but then bought a condo and moved out.  We thoght everhting was going well.   Until, we took a family vacation.  The first couple of days were ok.  The last day of vacation, our daughter had amelt down, that was somehting.  She obviously has things on her mind that she didn't share.  She has let it fester until she blew.  She is taking it out on our son.  He made some comment and she took offence and just went off at him.  She sent us all running for cover.  She continued on to go visit a friend in Virginia.  We went home alone.  We heard nothing from her the rest of the time, no pictures on facebook, no texts nothing.  She got home at midnight on Sunday and was to work this morning.  I tried to talk to her and see what needed to be done to "fix" things.  and everyting I said she took the wrong way.  She can't understand why we won'd leave her alone to just be this pissy, nasty witch.  (this is so unlike her)  She used big words about her brother like, "he adds no value to my life or well being"  She won't go to a doctor and she won't see a therapist  so the only thing we know to do is give her her space.  No more going over to her house,  No more inviting her to diner.  We are just going to leave her alone until she is ready to come back.  We can keep an eye on her while she is working for us.But thats all

Any suggestions on how to handle this differently?  Or make it come out with a good ending instead of such a bad one?  Our son lives in New Mexico and he was to come home for Thanksgiving.  Now that htis has happened.....he is not coming home, so we will not see him for the holidays and I am very upset with that.  Especially because I lost both my parents this past year and so its just down to the 4 of us now.  and this is the first holiday with out grandpa and grandma
Replied By: ireland60 on Sep 30, 2014, 11:04AM
been watching some shows re:in-laws, grandchildren and estrangements. I know a family of 15 children, now grown. The parents made good money through hard work. The story one daughter told me is the parents had a place in puerto rico and rather than sobotaging or bad mouthing their childrens spouses; the parents felt the best gift they could give their children was by supporting their relationships. The parents gave each of them time in peurto rico every year without judgement. I may not be explaining it well...but that story was so profound that i've practiced it in any way possible toward my now 18 yr old daughter and so far IT WORKS! I haven't always liked who she dated-long term or short but I've never shown disapproval. Mostly she shows good judgement on her own. And I know I helped give that to her.
Replied By: gothicmiku2345 on Sep 27, 2014, 3:39PM - In reply to debbie10
im a girl and im not allowed to do anything and i hate my asian mother
Replied By: debbie10 on Sep 27, 2014, 5:11AM - In reply to gothicmiku2345
Look up the shows, websites concerning bullys and manipulation,   It took me years, but I now truley Believe that I or youdo not  have  the POWER  to Make anyone  hurt themselves or others,,, It doesnt feel like it many times but God gave us,  and yes even Your mother Free Will.                   Get some support, then maybe if you feel comfortable as, k to to Explain Why she does not want you to become the man She raised you to become,  then LISTEN to see what she says,    It must be hard on your dad being put in second place  in his wives life, maybe since both of you are feeling the effects of your moms  Fear of something, you guys can help each other,  Stay strong  and remember None of us have the power to make our parents do anything.  its there way of controling there own fears or imagination,
Replied By: gothicmiku2345 on Sep 26, 2014, 8:35PM
my parents wont let me move out and im 22 years old i want to kill myself because im not allowed to move out of my parents home, mom threatens to leave my dad if he lets me  can you help dr phil or not?
Replied By: evs5912 on Sep 25, 2014, 10:42PM - In reply to jel_e_bean
You are so fortunate to have such a loving, kind supportive family. And it sounds like you do not take it for granted.  It also sounds like it is not one sided and that all of you are equally as loving and kind to one another.

Coming from a family that is quite the opposite I can only wish for a miracle to happen and change things around.  I had thought when my Dad passed away it would be a wake up call to all of us but sadly not even that worked.

I have accepted things the way they are and I'm very lucky to have found love and support in the friendships I have made over the years.Took me a while but I finally realized that it did not have to be blood relatives in order for me to feel part of a loving family. would be nice.

God Bless all of you. Keep looking afer one another.  It is so important.
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