Family

 
Have your loved ones shown you the true meaning of the word "family" with their actions? Or, is there a rift in your family that has gone on too long? Share your stories and solutions.
Comments
Replied By: spiritual7365 on May 26, 2016, 6:00PM - In reply to sue43981
Hi Sue43981,    You do have a tough decision to make. I think it would be helpful to ask your self some questions of why you feel the need or urge to tell this secret now. Have you been afraid that this would get discovered from another source, because you mentioned family members know?  Are you worried that this child/adult might come forward unexpectadly? It is a fact that you know the possible reactions that might result from this confession. Ask your self if this is wearing on your mind and are you suffering anxiety because of it. After considering these thoughts, what would be the best case senario to happen. Do you feel deep inside the urge to tell this? Then perhaps that is your inner soul telling you that it is time to be honest and believe that your kids will accept it as a human decision that was at the time all you could do. Explaining secrets like this can also have a positive effect by showing how each of us has frailities in situations and might bring out their compassion for you and what you suffered by the decision. Don't underestimate the deep love your kids have for you and though they may react shocked at the beginning they just might prove that secrets do not have to be suffered alone. They will see how deeply you may now in hindsight regret it. Give them a chance to show you what beautiful souls they are and you raised them so claim that pride. Hope this helps, Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: sue43981 on May 26, 2016, 9:25AM
Should I tell my sons I gave up a child for adoption 50 years ago?  What happens when you tell someone a secret like that?  My oldest is well adjusted and happy.  My youngest has a serious mental illness and needs help although he is doing better than he ever has with a new medication.  He struggles with his thoughts but handles it.  My husband and my immediate family has known this for years.  I hate keeping secrets but would not want to at the expense of another pyschotic episode or I don't know what.
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on May 25, 2016, 5:15PM - In reply to asadachiguy
Hi Asadachiquy,    My heart goes out to you for what you have suffered. Growing up should not be so hard and it is evident that your Dad loved you immensley.  You brought love and joy to his life and I'm sorry for your loss.

Your mother sounds like she lacks compassion and the basic nurturing trait that is required to love a child. To not give you the love of a mother is to me spiteness, since it appears she did not want the adoption and was forced into it. But once you were adopted to hold back on giving you a warm and happy childhood does not speak well on her capacity to love.

As it stands on how she has turned her back on you and your family, it is not surprising that it is very hard to understand. We all want to be loved and accepted in our lives by the people who matter to us the most. If she cannot give you the respect and care that you deserve, than something needs to change. Since we cannot control how others feel toward us we can control how we react. I'm sure you have heard this before and it still doesn't take away your hurt. But what you can do is examine yourself and see that you ARE worthy of a mother's love, it just wasn't her. She has passed up on the opportunity to have you and her grandkids in her life and someday she may come to regret this. In the meantime you can spend your life creating the family that you want and being the loving parent that I'm sure you are. Maybe, this major life experience had to happen so that you would see the real value of Integrity, compassion, etc. that is inside of you. Wishing for it to be different is self-defeating and though it is painful take heart that you are not a product of the type of Love or Non-Love she has displayed. Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: asadachiguy on May 24, 2016, 4:09PM
I was adopted when I was 11 months old. My adoptive parents already had 3 girls and 1 boy. My dad wanted one more child and wanted that child to be a boy however was nervous that he and my mom would end up having another girl. So when the time came when he brought up the subject of adoption, my mom objected vehemently. As it turned out, my dad threatened my mom with divorce if she did not concede. She ended up agreeing to the adoption with her own reservations.


You see, she never approved of adoption and raised me with resentment. I was never treated or accepted as a part of the family. My dad was my hero and seeing as how I was constantly treated by my siblings and my maternal family, I was his favorite. At 16, he died of a long bout of cancer. Shortly thereafter, it was payback time. I was thrown out of the house constantly, my mom allowed my siblings and her family to shame, abuse and disregard me. We've never gotten along; as long as I could remember. 

Now in my 30's with my own children, she does not inquire of them - even her great grandchild. I once asked her why she was the way she has been my whole life. Her reply was that I don't have blood.

There are many time I have thought that I feel as though my life and maturity stopped at 16. When she gave raising me or doing what she was forced to do by my father. I try as much as possible to make some kind of connection with her and my siblings. Nothing works. I feel as though I have no family.
 
Replied By: spiritual7365 on May 20, 2016, 2:56PM - In reply to atmywhitsend
Hi Atmywitsend,    I can see that you are torn with this situation. Loving someone and wanting to help them is hard to turn away from. I get that you feel that you will be able to "fix" this. As women, we want to nurture and that is a natural need we have to try to solve problems with love and care.


You probably have heard from others that he is taking advantage of you and will bring you down. Most people think this way about young people who are caught in this way of life. I want to tell you that you are not helping him in the long run. You  are forgiving and he knows that. He will keep doing the same thing to you and he does it because it works. You always go back. He is never made to see the consequences of his behavior. He counts on you loving him and will continue to do so.


Why not choose you? Why not say to yourself, "I'm worth more than what I'm getting." "I need to have a partner that stands on his own to feet and cares about how I feel."  A true relationship is not someone giving all the time and getting no respect in return. A true relationship is when both partners are a complement to each other and handle problems together.


He is taking you away from the future you could have with someone who you haven't even met yet. Someone who will stand beside you & not need you to take care of him constantly and put up with his tirades. When did you allow this man to stop you from having self-respect for yourself? It's time to  command the respect you deserve & not allow him to continue to hurt you. He is changing you in negative ways. Find who you really are and what you really want and start building your life with that new goal. Love your self enough to give yourself what you need. Blessings to you, Spiritual7365
 
Replied By: alholland712 on May 19, 2016, 4:25PM
My name is April and I am 40 years old. I have 3 daughters Jordan is 15, Caitlyn is 12 and Noella is 11. I am married to a woman named Angie. I have a genetic, connective tissue disorder called Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. This disease affects my mobility and limits what I can do. I am mostly wheelchair bound. I am in constant, horrible pain. I dislocate between 50 and 70 joints a day. I take a regime of pain medication. 


My 15-year-old says she is transgender. This is a new thing and has not been a feeling for any length of time. She is biologically my wife's child. My wife treats her daughter much difference then mine. I have been with her for 10 years and have never heard her yell at either of her children (we also have a 22 year old son). She almost only talks to my girls when she is yelling. 


My 12-year-old daughter is mentally challenged. She is developmentally 6 or 7. She is a loving and sweet girl but I have trouble getting her to control her emotions. She can sla people or scream at people when she is upset. Everything is way over drawn.I don't just want to tell her no, but my patience is not as long as I want it to be. I tend to become overwhelmed easily. Caitlyn likes to talk about lots of things and she will follow me around yacking about everything under the sun and I lose patience. I hate that about myself.'


My 11-year-old daughter is 51 lbs. We have never figured out wy she oesn't grow. She has not had normal growth since she was 4. She has been to all kiinds of doctors and had many, many tests. Still no answer and that is frustrating. She is very angry and acts out often. She has difficulty being the "younger older sister" She has frustration with me because I get so frustrated with her. She does things constantly she knows will get her in trouble. At 11 she still writes on the walls. She knows I am going to flip out. I don't hit my children but my patience is so short.


I have spoken to my wife about how she treats her daughter and mine so differently. We have spoken about every other month for 10 years. It is the only thing we fight about. I am at a loss for how to proceed. My girls were molested by their father's girlfriend's son. He then paid for the kids defense, allowed him to live with him for 2 years while he gave up all visitation with my kids. Then the boy went juvi and the visits continued with their dad and his wife. 4 years ago he just up and left for Montana. He has never payed regular child support (even though it is ordered) and now the state wants to make him pay only $50 per month for our two kids. He has told me he is working under the table. Is there anything I can do about that?


I just feel lost. Everytime my mobility slides I get depressed. Obviously what I am doing with my kids is not working so any suggestions on what else I can do. I experienced horrific child abuse as a child and so I know that I sometimes give in to my kids. I was in foster home after foster home between going back to my parents before I was finally adopted at age 9. I love all of them so much. I just want to get them to behave and increase my patience. Any advice about any of these issues? I would appreciate it. 
 
Replied By: atmywhitsend on May 16, 2016, 10:29PM
I have decided to join this blog after watching Dr. Phils show and listening to him inform the audience of his web page. I'm not even sure where to begin listing the issues that are affecting my life in the most negative ways so maybe the biggest one is the best place to start.

For the past two years I have been in and out of a relationship with a man who has addiction issues. I care very deeply for him and that makes it difficult to end the relationship, however at this point most of the time it seems like a one sided relationship. I have lost count of the number of times I have walked out and was convinced that I was done allowing my self to stay in such a toxic situation. The reason for this is that I want to believe their is hope for him, He calls and convinces me that he is in love with me and for a few days it feels like he is. After a few days it's back to the drawing board. Weeks and Months can go by some time, we can be doing great, The problem is I never know day to day when he will begin treating me as if I am just disposable. Love man that I fell in Love with never stays long before he starts with abusive and neglectfull behaivors.

In a way he is my addiction, How do I break this toxic cycle ? It sounds like an easy answer Just walk away and stay away but it's just not that simple when emotions are involved. What can I do to help this situation. At times I have enabled him by giving into his demands, only to feel guilty that I caved in to his manipulation..
 
Replied By: urtrueangel38 on May 11, 2016, 11:53PM
I grew up in foster care and I'm floored at how things have changed. In December 2015, my nieces 5 & 7 came to me about the youngest being molested by their dad. They disclosed to me, their mom, police, child advocate, the county DA and the father has not been prosecuted. Last month the DA filed charges under Jessica's law. Everything was in place. The 7 yr old even got on the stand in the courtroom in front of her dad and testified that her daddy said he touched her sister's no-no but promised he wouldn't do it anymore and her daddy doesn't lie. The 5 yr old was put on the stand and froze. The case was dismissed without prejudice and the judge stated to give the state more time to gather evidence. Since that trial the girls have done a recorded interview and has disclosed even more information. Due to the criminal case the custody was put on hold. Now the father is trying to get the girls. The Child Advocate and their Therapist are both AGAINST this but the judge REFUSED to let them testify. The judge granted supervised visitation at his parent's house. And has now granted overnights starting THIS Saturday, May14, 2016 with the father as long as one of his parents are present. His father is a convicted sex offender. The judge will not hear testimony from the Child Advocate or the girls's Therapist. The DA has forwarded the criminal case to the AG's office. We have heard NOTHING!!! NO ONE will do ANYTHING to protect these girls. And what's even worse, the girlfriend lives with him and her 4 girls and they've gone to the school and talked to DCF because this man was watching them dress and undress, would walk in when they were in the shower or using the bathroom. I reported it and the case worker talked to me and when I asked why those 4 girls were STILL being allowed to be victimized they said there were not enough foster homes and these girls are older and are starting to stand up against him together. So we are now protecting the criminal because of lack of foster homes when the girls's grandmother would take them. Why would kids talk when it doesn't matter. All these people are concerned but NO ONE is following thru to do ANYTHING about it! Let's put some action behind our words! We need ANY & ALL the help we can get. This system is failing kids and this mentality of letting these girls to continue to be victimized due to lack of homes when there's been NO effort to contact ANY family for these other 4 girls. This situation has made me sick as I had my nieces protected but couldn't help the other girls and now my lil nieces are being exposed to all this AGAIN!!! The 5 yr old who is the victim is being told to not say anything, that she's a liar, and that she's never going to see their mom or me again because they're going to take them away. No one will help us! We have till Friday to get this stopped or these lil girls will be spending the night with this MONSTER!!!
 
Replied By: rachelrach00 on Apr 25, 2016, 7:15AM
I am a 25 year old with Asperger's looking for some advice on the issues going on with my family. My family consists of me, my mom, and her boyfriend Rich. Rich has been in my life for 15 years now. It started out okay at first. He was a nice, light-hearted guy. But as the years went by, my mom and I got to see what Rich is really like.

Rich grew up with an abusive father who beat him regularly. He clearly still harbors a lot of anger towards him. Rich has confronted his father several times. I think he is expecting more than just a simple apology, which I'm pretty sure he isn't going to get. Rich has also been in the military for 30+ years. He is a Vietnam veteran, who is a victim of Agent Orange. So he harbors even more anger at our government. Mom and I are positive that he has PTSD, but Rich always denies this.

The problem that I am having is that Rich has so much anger in him that he ends up taking it out on my mom and myself. Even the littlest thing will set him off. I once was yelled at for not putting the dishes in the dishwasher correctly. My mom is in her early sixties now and I can tell he is getting very frustrated with her forgetfullness. From my perspective, it seems like he views her as more of a burden than a lover.

The biggest thing that we're fighting about now is the fact that I am struggling to find a job. My Asperger's is limiting me to what I can do, but Rich doesn't understand that. All he sees is a 25 year old, mooching off her mother, and playing video games all day. I do admit that I game frequently but it is not the only thing I do. I look for jobs everyday and it is difficult to find something I believe I am capable of doing. Like I said, Rich doesn't understand that. Honestly, I think he doesn't believe in mental illness. His reasoning for me declining certain jobs is that they're beneath me.

I can understand that mental illness is a hard concept to grasp. I can understand his frustration at the job market, because I am equally frustrated. What I can't understand is how he communicates these frustrations to my mom and I. He talks to us like we're low level grunts, instead of his family. He wants a full report of what we did during the day. Instead of asking for something, he orders us to do it. For example, Rich isn't technology savvy so he needs my help going on the computer. Instead of saying, "Can you please look this up for me?" he says, "I want you to look this up and print me a copy by tonight." It's like he can't break out of his military thinking.

So after another big fight and another promise to be better to each other broken, I don't know what else to do. Mom and I want to get help, but Rich refuses to see a "quack shrink." If things don't change soon, this family is going to be torn apart. If anybody has any advice, please tell me.
 
Replied By: qwerty2000 on Apr 24, 2016, 3:18PM
Need help my daughter and boyfriend are addiced to the xbox and internet 15 hrs a day or more then the rest she sleeps sad new is they have a 14 month old baby  that me and my husband take care of my granddaughter stays asllep for almost 20 hrs. We have her all night and she only get her wile im at work for about 5 hrs . My daughter will not feed her or love her she never washed cloths in 2 yrs no joke so much more but I need someone to talk to they are moving 2000 miles way in less then 10 days HELP PLEAASE
 
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