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Raising Teens

As your child approaches the teen years, is your relationship changing? Is your teen acting out, doing poorly in school or disobeying your rules? Do you worry about new technology influencing your child? What’s your biggest challenge? Share your struggles and successes.
Replied By: ndandca on Mar 31, 2015, 10:44PM
I have a 16 year old who was getting into trouble and felt the need to send her to her father.  Her father just recently met her over a year ago and I thought he would be good at handling her.  He is very authoritarian and Im a little permissive.  I have been to parenting classes and doing my best.  I even tell my daughter to hang in there, behave, make good choices and be respecful; however, whenever she gets in trouble with her dad, I get a text or email getting blamed for past parenting mistakes and he even has told her counseler her behavior started when she lived with me.  It started after she first started communicated with him a few years back.

Therefore, whenever she acts up, my past mistakes get brought up and he even said that if I cant "control" her (I am 2 thousand miles from her right now) then exit her life. I raised her all by myself and he deserted us when she was almost 2.  I think I know how to rightfully answer is arrogant emails but I sure could use some advice.  He even at one time wanted me to give up custody of her and she already hates him.  She will be going into a girls home for some help very soon. Yet after, if her behavior has improved; Id like her to come home.
Replied By: christinaa4101 on Mar 6, 2015, 9:56AM
I have a soon to be 14 yr old daughter that has been changing drastically within the past 2 years. I found out that she started cutting. She has gone from ab honor roll to almost all f's. I have takin her to a rehab place that lasted 6 weeks. Gone to a counselor and nothing seems to be helping. I do not know what to do. They are superficial cuts, but I worry about her being alone, hurting herself to an extreme. I try to get her to talk to me but she will only say what she wants. I ask her why she cuts and the reasons vary.
Replied By: mikerichard on Mar 1, 2015, 4:30PM
To all the parents out there--good luck!  American society is so full of temptations and pitfalls for young people.  You can do the best job as a parent, but our society is constantly undermining your efforts.

My advice is: hang in there, kids usually will leave home eventually, and pray a lot, and don't

quit on yourself.  I'm 59, never married or raised kids, but I've watched my siblings do those things.

It's not easy, and you have to be very strong to endure the trials of parenting.  Your reward will be in heaven if you do it right.
Replied By: smoses80 on Mar 1, 2015, 5:24AM - In reply to nativegal38
I think you should take FB away immediately. She needs a counselor. She needs someone other than you to assist in teaching her right from wrong and boundries. If you need to take away the internet on her phone too, do that.
Replied By: smoses80 on Mar 1, 2015, 5:20AM - In reply to athenapka
First of all, the utter lack of communication & respect is appalling. The parents set the rules and the standards. You see, they spoiled their children but worse than that, they have Neglected their children. They have not taught them responsibility, self-worth or respect (for themselves or others). I hope your neice gets professioanl help Immediately and the Entire family need counseling. Those parents are Not being Parents and they need professional help now too if they ever want to have any type of communication with their children. They have Failed as Parents and they should be ashamed of themselves. They probably do Not even know that.
Replied By: smoses80 on Mar 1, 2015, 5:11AM - In reply to rowefarm
If I were you I would Not feel guilty. He will get Really tired of crashing on peoples couches (or they will get really tired of him doing this). He won't have food or $$ unless he works. It will be a taste of the real world and I doubt he will like it. He will come back home...only on the condition that, although you Love him Very Much, he has to live by your rules and Be Respectful. Naturally you would worry about him. I would do the same. I Hope he has already moved back and that things are different.  PS If he is a Senior now, the discussion about his grades is almost a moot point. Graduating HS is important and hopefully he has the GPA to do it. BTW, even if he is living there at age 18 the same has to apply. Just because he is 18 that doesn't give him free reign to do whatever he wants if he Chooses to live there. My friend has a troubled son who is 24 and she wanted to kick him out. The police told her that she can't just kick him out because he lives there. She would have to go through the Legal Process of Evicting him!! Ridiculous!! In my opinion. He is in Jail so there is no need to follow through. That was in Florida. Before they are 18 they can't be kicked out by law as they are your resposibilty until then. Some thoughts......Good Luck
Replied By: smoses80 on Mar 1, 2015, 4:49AM - In reply to bgore829
There were Many deaths from that synthitic week in the past couple years around here. The City of Manchester actually Banned the sale and Still check the stores and if they find it still being sold the stores are Closed. It is Not ajoke. The ingredients they found were Extremely Harmful. It is Not all natural. It is Really Bad for you and there is a probability for Death!! I hope it gets banned in the USA Soon!!
Replied By: bgore829 on Feb 26, 2015, 9:49AM
I have a 17 year old son who is addicted to synthetic weed. It's also called spice, fake. It has so many different names and is very easy for the kids to get. It is 10 times more addictive and stronger than real weed and way easier for them to get. I want to get the word out there to parents who have children going into high school. It is an epidemic that is being swept under the rug. My son went from an honor student, an athlete, and a promising future to a drug addict. He's dropped out of school and has quit everything and puts drugs before everything now. His health is getting worse and he still can't admit his an addict. It is a horrible drug. If anyone else has dealt with this drug I would love to hear from you. 
Replied By: athenapka on Feb 25, 2015, 6:20AM
My nephew & niece live with their family in a lovely home, safe, protected.  Hidden is face both my niece 18yrs, & nephew 21yrs spent most of their time in their rooms on the internet. 

When I visit the house I hope I will get a rare chance to see one or both of them.  Typically both my niece & nephew sleep in their own rooms until late afternoon or by 7pm.  Usually they are awake by dinner time, their father has come home from work, they give him their orders for take out food.  Then my niece & nephew go back to their rooms.  My sister & her husband go get the family's take out orders, drive around to collect them all & then return home.  All the bags of food are placed on kitchen counter.  My sister or her husband texts my niece & nephew that their food is ready.  They show up, pick up their food, drinks, & then disappear to their rooms.  I won't see them again.  Usually I leave the house at 9 - 10pm to go to where I live.  My niece & nephew will be up all night playing World of Warcraft with their friends, texting, talking to friends online, or what a netflix film - all online & in their separate rooms. 

 This family pattern didn't start in current times, it goes back to '2004, it started at a time when my sister & her husband decided it was OK for their children to have unlimited access to the internet, to have a special basement room for the PC's, each child would have their own PC.  Friends from the neighborhood came to their house to play games on the internet as their parents either didn't have a PC for them or didn't want them on the internet. 

 So, here I am, the aunt, beginning of '2015, I'm witness to what happens when children, tweens, teens, twenties, are allowed to live with the internet, texting, online gaming, as most of their life.  Their lives defined by it with limited social skills, feelings of suicide, & no thought about the future. 

My niece is seeing a therapist after she tried to commit suicide.  Was able to get my niece's parents to agree for me to help my niece thru art.  It is slow, the only real contact I have with her. 

I make myself go over for visits at the house even though I may not see my niece or nephew.  It is so painful.  I don't see a future for either of them as the parents haven't talked with them about any future expectations for their lives.  It seems they will live life in their rooms, live with their parents until - ? 

It really hurts, I go home in tears each time, thinking of what might have been with their lives, what we might have shared. 
Replied By: meryjani on Feb 24, 2015, 6:02PM - In reply to rowefarm
It's very difficult when our children are at this age 1718 son is 17, in though he is that same soul when he was a baby in growing up he is figuring out what life is all about and sometimes especially at these ages it's very difficult tocommunicate in the way you want to with your children at this age. 

I know when he makes his comments about school and grades it makes you feel very upset, and your son will probably feel that his mom and dad are just going to make some comment about his grades and how I shouldn't feel this way and feel like a whatever type a thing...but perhaps if you try to, when he says things like that and ask him what is it that you wanted to and why do you feel the grades don't matter?also expressed to him that I'm sure there's plenty of classes and things that you're learning more projects you're doing it seem pointless and people that are frustrating but in the bigger picture it will matter, but what's most important to me as your mom and your dad is that you have dreams in life and goals and things you want to do and we just want to help support you with that if school isn't what you think is going to be that steppingstone to get you there and please explain to me what will get you there what is it that you want to do? And what is important to help you in life? Help me to understand so that we can work together.

i'm giving this is advice because I'm trying to find a way to help you and your son connect on a level where you're not fighting or angry or he doesn't feel that he has to defend his thoughts on school just for now, of course grades are important, of course it's important to want to enforce your son receiving a good education, but for now it's important to stay connected with your son and in tune with what he's really going through because once you can get past that he may get past this stage and put more effort into school if you can work together.this is not to encourage him bullyingyou or your husband with in an acceptable attitude and I'm not quite sure of how intense things got, this is just to try to see if a different approach may help him have a different approach . If you can get him to open up , truly feel he can expess what he is feeling ( right now at this moment in life as an almost 18-year-old even if it's not what makes sense to you now is a grown-up, the most important thing is that your son is communicating to you what he is feeling now so you can get through it together and help him in ways that are supportive as well as help him to see why it's important for his own life)  most importantly, focusing on the fact that yes the truth is he will be 18 soon on his own and you want him to have all the tools in my fee needs to have a secure and safe life this with ever you get upset it's because you care but you want to work with him and support his dreams and as long as he's willing to work hard at whatever it is he wants you want to help them get there but of course you can't support him not trying to work towards his future and again, asking what it is that he wants to do and if he's not sure, then explain this is why it's important to have those good grades to give you opportunities, for right now, try to work with what he's going through while making sure you stand your ground as deserving self respectwhile letting your son know you love and respect him
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