Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

Grandparents face unique challenges raising their grandchildren. Are you raising your grandchild? What are your biggest concerns? How is raising a grandkid different than raising your children? Share your advice, support and stories.
Replied By: momma07 on Oct 28, 2016, 12:44PM
There is no area for our unique situation, our daughter is acctuall our great neice. My daughters bio father is my sisters son. This was a case of two teens getting pregnant the mother was 15 and the father 17. shortly after lili was born the families decided to let them marry which is never a good idea at their age. Shortly after my nephew decided to try and build a future and joined the military. While he was gone the mother fooled around with several people, pulled childish pranks around town and left lili with whoever would watch her. One particular event that lead to the first time my husband and I took her was on valentines day when lili was approximatly 3 months old. I had seen Amy out and inquired about where the baby was and told she was at home with her friend, Something told me things were not right so i went to to her apartment knocked at the door for maybe 10 minutes before anyone answered. When i entered the apartment i just cried, there was lili laying on a pile of garbage bags being wiped with dry paper towels ( she had messed her diaper) I had learned then and there that there were no utilities in the house or running water and there hadn't been for more than two weeks. I bundled her up and took her home with me. later that night amy sent her friend to my house to pick her up! I refused and told the friend amy would have to come herself. About 2 hours later Amy showed up, i was so angry, and hurt for this baby that i explained that i couldnt stop her from doing whatever she was doing and if she was going to continue the baby needed to stay with me and with that she left only to return several hours later to my utter shock with a truch containg her crib and all of the babys belongings.This arrangemnt stayed this way untilJustin was discharged 7 months later from the service ( not honorable). they begged to give them the oppertunity to try to make it as a family with our help but to no avail the drugs partying and such continued until they both said we cant do this you need to take her so we did ,all this in a2 year period.. The two ended up divorcing and starting new families which didnt work out to say the least.. There were so many other instances i could write a book. I got no help from my sister which is lilis grandmother or any help from Amys parents ( they blamed lili for ruing Amys life ) imagine that! Lili is 13 now and has many problems from being in this situation. Lili lies, steals, manipulates, has issues keeping friends, and has a temper i have never seen from a child. My husband and I have done everything we know to do including couseling and nothing has worked it just gets worse as she gets older. I had to close off all contact With my sister because she stands up for her son Drugs, prison and all before she will protect her grandaughter sighting me as the blame for everthing for keeping this child from her parents. Dr Phil we need help Deseperatly! My husband and I have been taking in and fostering children ( about 10 children)all of our 38 married years and have never had a problem we couldnt overcome until now .

Any advice from someone that could shed light on our situation would be welcomed!

Sincerly Penny Valvo
Replied By: insaneo on Aug 29, 2016, 7:39PM - In reply to ladeevis
I don't know.  Only thing I can figure is it's a different generation than mine.  Is it right?  Heck no.  i'm raising two of my son's girls and he has two more children with his girlfriend.  This has caused a rift between my wife and I.  Where will it end?  Only the good Lord knows.  What's a person to do?  Let the kids languish in never land or try and bring them up with solid christian values.  Answer unknown as I'm torn right now myself.  I feel like I'm ready to quit though.  Pretty tired!
Replied By: insaneo on Aug 29, 2016, 7:24PM
I've been married to a wonderful woman for over 40yrs now.  At present we have legal guardianship over a 14yr old and a 9 year old.  My wife still works as she's 9yrs younger than me.  I'm 64 and retired.  I do everything from cooking to taking the garbage out.  Honestly she does nothing to help except work.  I do the same thing plus more when I was working.  I have 3 children who are adults now and resent raising someone else's kids (my son"s).  The oldest (they're both girls) one's mother seems to doing ok now, renting a house and has a steady boyfriend (over 5 yrs).  I'm tired of all this but she's on some kind of crusade over the grand kids.  Even my own kids say she's crazy and I'm beginning to beleive them!  I'm about ready to throw in the towel, split everything up and go our seperate ways.  I love her I think more than she loves me.  What is the answer?
Replied By: shotzc on Aug 6, 2016, 2:05PM
I am a divorced mother of two, age 52.  I recently took custody of my two granddaughters, ages 13 months and 3 months.  Their mother is my son's girlfriend.  She had one son from another man, age 4.  There was several years of drug abuse including her using heroine while pregnant with my 3 month old grand daughter.  In addition to the heroind, she drank and smoked two packs of cigarettes every day.  The baby was born 5 weeks premature with breathing difficulties.  In the first two months of her life, she was malnurised because Mom and Dad were trading formula that they received thru the WIC program for heroine.  They fed the infant and her sister sugar water and/or cool aid instead of formula.  I called CPS on them when I found out what was going on.  CPS finally took the children away from them when the mother overdosed on heroine, leaving the children all uncared for.  Luckily for the mother she was found early enough that the paramedics were able to bring her back but without damage to the right side and to her brain.  CPS called me and I've had the children now for almost 2 months.  I've taken them to a pediatrician, gotten their shots done and almost have them up to a healthy weight.  At the same time, my daughter is helping to try and get my son off of the drugs.  He has recently checked into a clinic and will hopefully go into something more long term for mental illness.  I will not give up on him and it is difficult trying to keep a 34 year old man focused while raising his two small infants.  My daughter is proven to be an angel and the love she has for her brother is enormous

When I tell people that my plan is to raise these girls for the rest of their lives, I receive mixed responses.  Some... bless you for taking care of these children.  Why wouldn't I they are my grandchildren.  I don't understand comments such as these especially when they are coming from other members of my family. I've also been asked why the plan isn't to give them back to the parents once they get better?  I feel that they parents lost their privledges when they decided to due drugs and wrecklessly endanger the childrens health and lives.  Even if they prove over several years that they are better and not doing drugs the girls won't know who they are by that time and introducing them back into their lives would be difficult.  I don't trust that the parents will ever be safe to raise children after using heroine intravaineously for several years.  They will be on methadone for the rest of their lives.  Is there something I am missing?  
Replied By: lpartin on Jul 15, 2016, 9:45AM
Dr phill everyone tells me your the man that Can help put are family back together I have been fightting cancer and when I was in liver surgry in I.l c.t.c.a my daughters boyfrien I belive hurt the baby I have fought and won with my cancer but thay would not let me see the boys becouse of my cancer fight it was heart braking anyway we had a atturny bit she never filed lies can show you everything video text paper work emails I have filed to adopt the boys and was denid denidbut now I filed appeal out of money we have the 11 year old brother from birth he makes all A in school the stat trid slandering are family more for been cancer suviver my 11 year old was not aloud see his brouthers it has killed are family thay flamed evan is to Bill it these are all lies Dr phill can you please help me we have ran out money I just need someone to help me with my appeal if you can just look at the gal record go to Maryann Bruder V dhs and Maryann Bruder V Smith how I ask is this person alowed to see what is gift for the boys this is crazy no one will address the salting of are babies by are states and goverment bottum line thay say the kids have bounded with foster parents and better not to move the better off liveing in a downtown Detroit no white no schools thay failed to get them tretment the only reson I know where thay love is foster p to lazy get medcen for Emmett so Cvs called me I had to deli

Vet to the court house I can't spell well buytthis case I have worked everyday please Dr fill look at Mary Ann b ruder everything in her court case is just. What she done to my family God your all I have for hop this has took me husben to are knees I can't leve the boys thay was stolen and how and what could a e t year olc minds figer that out my poor babies have be taken from all that know food family toys home everything this can't be best for boys Dr phill I need you to check in and do a evaluation with boys to see if you agree the star says that don't know us be couse that want let us see them please help your my only hope please call me I know you do so much if you can ring it in that big warm heart I will be forever gratfull Lisa Partin someone has to stop how the state's are makeing money off backs of are babies help us please God bless
Replied By: soaper54 on Jun 29, 2016, 12:34PM
OK I get so frustrated at young adults w children who feel entitled! This young mother hates her mom cause she has guidelines however she is raising her grandaughter in a nice, clean environment. She has a boyfriend who is a recovering drug addict who thinks he should get a job with no effort. What fulltime jobs does this young mom and "future step dad" have to offer this little girl? !   Will she have a safe, stable, clean place to live with proper food, clothing, medical insurance because her mom works full time? Her future Dad is working fulltime? Just cause your born does not give you privilages to this young mom & dad!
Replied By: ladeevis on Jun 1, 2016, 1:23PM
Hi there, I am becoming a grandparent for the first time. I do not think that grandparents should raise their grandchildren. When two people choose to have children they should consider this very carefully. Can we affort bringing a child into this world, are we as future parents prepared for this little one and give this child everything it needs without taking it daily to the grandparents, because both parents need to work to earn their money. I do not think that it is fair not only to the child but also not to the grandparents. Nowadays grandparents are independend probably still working a,d they should put their lives on hold, again? Not fair at all in my opinion. Is it selfish, no I do not think so, because I will be there always when they need me, when they want to go out to dinner i am very much willing to take care of my grandchild. The only thing I do not want to do is raise the child, that is not my task but the task of the parents.

I just want to be a loving grandmother. Where it is always fun to go to, where my grandchild finds a special warm place, where it gets spoiled a little. A warm and loving place to go to for the child
Replied By: tngrammie on May 25, 2016, 10:18PM
I have helped raise my grandkids they are 5 and 7 . my daughter has been a big partier and is selfish and has put herself first and then she uses them to get what she wants. girls just lost her dad the day she got out of rehab and oh it is hard
Replied By: httink on May 24, 2016, 9:21PM
I moved out of my mom's when I was 12. She was a drunken drug addict who cared more for her boyfriends then her own kids. I raised myself and my little sister until I was 12. I wouldn't be who I am today without weekend visits to grandma's with an aunt who showed me what a mother really was. I lived with my aunt until I was 18 and got my own place. Today I still call her mom. I'm not sure where I would be if she wasn't in my life. I am so thankful that she stepped up and became my mother when she didn't have to be.
Replied By: navyangel9603 on May 16, 2016, 9:50AM
I am raising two grandkids I have had the oldest since she was 7 and she is now 13. My oldest is currently in prison and will not be able to get her back when he gets out. Her mother has had absolutely no contact with her in 4 years or more. I at times have my hands full with her and I fear I cant provide the emotional support she so craves from her mom. I dont worry about her parents coming and trying to get her back as Mom lost her to foster care when she was a year old and my son has no way of getting her back after his prison sentence is finished due to the charges.However the other grand child is 3 I have had him pretty much since he was born. Both parents addicts and my daughter is there when its convient for her but she has no consistant schedule with him. She gets angry when he calls me mom and at one time when he was a year old slapped him across the mouth for calling me mom. His dad has not been here to see him for 17 month's. The child dont even recognize a picture of his dad. This all breaks my heart and may I add that both parents have supervised visitation by me only.  Both of these kids have no true family but my husband and I. My grandson's pateranl family is not involved with his life as every time I tried to do what was right and allow the grandparents to take him the court order was violated and his parents were allowed to be there. I couldnt and won't jeapordize losing him to the stae and him being placed in foster care. But I feel so guilty at the same time as I feel he should be involved in the other side of family. But I must also Protect him and put him first. All this being said I am still very worried that if and when my daughter or his father ever get their life back on track that they will get him back and he will be ripped from my arms. I honestly dont feel as I could handle this. When I was asked to take custody of him so he wasnt in the foster care sysytem I did so thinking that it would be temporary why the parents went to rehab and did what needed to be done. But it is now 3 almost 4 years later and neither of them are close to getting him back. And I feel he is my son. I have raised him, I have nurtured, loved and provided for him in every sense of a Mother and I feel it would be so wrong to take him from the only home and true meaning of family he has ever had. I have been the only real mom either of these kids have ever really known and in my heart they are my children not my grand kids. If the time ever came that they be removed from my care it would seriously kill me.
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