Grandparents Raising Grandchildren

 
Grandparents face unique challenges raising their grandchildren. Are you raising your grandchild? What are your biggest concerns? How is raising a grandkid different than raising your children? Share your advice, support and stories.
Comments
Replied By: tngrammie on May 25, 2016, 10:18PM
I have helped raise my grandkids they are 5 and 7 . my daughter has been a big partier and is selfish and has put herself first and then she uses them to get what she wants. girls just lost her dad the day she got out of rehab and oh it is hard
 
Replied By: httink on May 24, 2016, 9:21PM
I moved out of my mom's when I was 12. She was a drunken drug addict who cared more for her boyfriends then her own kids. I raised myself and my little sister until I was 12. I wouldn't be who I am today without weekend visits to grandma's with an aunt who showed me what a mother really was. I lived with my aunt until I was 18 and got my own place. Today I still call her mom. I'm not sure where I would be if she wasn't in my life. I am so thankful that she stepped up and became my mother when she didn't have to be.
 
Replied By: navyangel9603 on May 16, 2016, 9:50AM
I am raising two grandkids I have had the oldest since she was 7 and she is now 13. My oldest is currently in prison and will not be able to get her back when he gets out. Her mother has had absolutely no contact with her in 4 years or more. I at times have my hands full with her and I fear I cant provide the emotional support she so craves from her mom. I dont worry about her parents coming and trying to get her back as Mom lost her to foster care when she was a year old and my son has no way of getting her back after his prison sentence is finished due to the charges.However the other grand child is 3 I have had him pretty much since he was born. Both parents addicts and my daughter is there when its convient for her but she has no consistant schedule with him. She gets angry when he calls me mom and at one time when he was a year old slapped him across the mouth for calling me mom. His dad has not been here to see him for 17 month's. The child dont even recognize a picture of his dad. This all breaks my heart and may I add that both parents have supervised visitation by me only.  Both of these kids have no true family but my husband and I. My grandson's pateranl family is not involved with his life as every time I tried to do what was right and allow the grandparents to take him the court order was violated and his parents were allowed to be there. I couldnt and won't jeapordize losing him to the stae and him being placed in foster care. But I feel so guilty at the same time as I feel he should be involved in the other side of family. But I must also Protect him and put him first. All this being said I am still very worried that if and when my daughter or his father ever get their life back on track that they will get him back and he will be ripped from my arms. I honestly dont feel as I could handle this. When I was asked to take custody of him so he wasnt in the foster care sysytem I did so thinking that it would be temporary why the parents went to rehab and did what needed to be done. But it is now 3 almost 4 years later and neither of them are close to getting him back. And I feel he is my son. I have raised him, I have nurtured, loved and provided for him in every sense of a Mother and I feel it would be so wrong to take him from the only home and true meaning of family he has ever had. I have been the only real mom either of these kids have ever really known and in my heart they are my children not my grand kids. If the time ever came that they be removed from my care it would seriously kill me.
 
Replied By: srw1958 on Feb 16, 2016, 11:10AM
Just watched a rerun of the show and sorry I can't remember names but the Mother and Step Father were there with the grown Daughter that had 4 kids from different Men and gave 3 up for adoption and the Mother has raised the Boys now 11 years old. Why was Dr Phil so gentle with this Woman? She sat with a smirk on her face like it was all fun and games! House is disgusting and not even fit for a Dog! Does drugs and is a total mess! I feel Dr Phil tiptoed around her! I would like a update show on this Family and hoping the Children are far away from her!
 
Replied By: danidani on Feb 2, 2016, 12:30AM
The concerns in recent years to now is to just share by blogging," how important it is for there to be support outside of the family" with minimal motive or unrecognized objectives or judgements. For some reason it seems people really don't care to make friends or they are consumed in their lives. I've learned also that it is not a sure thing what a GP knows and to utilize knowledge or in the middle of learning new things such as current best practices versus how things were handled 150 years ago with great G G Grandmaw but what currently is advocated for. There are many people against grandparent (s). It's almost anti-social most suredly communication blocks. I think any arrangements that include the birth parent(s) coming and going has its pros and cons but most importantly the larger groups are better dealt with from grandparents instead of birth parents. It's heck out there and the amount of support the larger group has is important to the lives / lifestyle of the GP and Gc. My Gc didn't see his mom very much the first 3 years, but I had ask her with the assumption a Social Worker would be making contact with her because she still currently has no HS diploma, no job, and unmarried and was 22 23 years old, running around in the information age of infested drug communities, with a fractured splintered shoulder, with prescription medications, "will she be putting him in pre-k?" . It got her attention but she didn't. There's noone saying she had too, so as a GP being on your toes is best. I wake up better now than I did 30 years ago. I hear more pertinent information more than I did at  20 and 30. I've now gotten the second half of the discipline plan where 30 years ago I only was part dicsiplining, and I now have so much information but saddened at how some of the problems being uniqe can be occuring after we've done so much.
 
Replied By: lineinthesand on Jan 7, 2016, 5:40AM - In reply to lineinthesand
Hello i am in pretty much the same situation. The main difference is that the bios did have custody for about 2 years and the grandsons do remember that time, especailly the older one. We have had custody since they were 2 and 4, they are now 7 and 9. Just like you, the bios have supervised visits. I specifically told my daughter to stop talking about reuinification in her vists. I told the vist monitor she is not to talk about reunification with the boys. Well, yesterday, she announced to the boys that she is pregnant. I am not happy about this pregnancy, mainly becuase of my daughter's manipulations and refusal to acknowledge her mental illness and drug issues. She has used heroin as recently as 7 months ago, and although she may be "clean" for time periods, she has not dealt with her mental health issues. She continues to live in a fantasy world and is a horrible influence on the children. Like you i have the boys seeing a terrific counselor. They have made so much progress. But this pregnancy, and her failure to tell me before the boys proves she is not making plans to protect their emotional well being. She is a long way from being capable of raising these boys along with another baby. The man she is living with (i am assuming he is the father) is not a drug user but i am dissapointed in him noneltheless that they did not use a better form of birth control and that he would make a baby with someone with so much drama and mental illness it is unfair to the child. I have compeltely distanced my self from my daughter. I only see her when i absoutely have to. So i will not have a relationship with this new baby very much either. I am okay with that. But i worry about the boys seeing my lack of enthusiasm for this pregnancy. To make matters worse, she is high-risk, so the chance if a misaciiruage is so high that she shoould not have told them until she was at least in the second trimester. Obviously, she has no concept of protecting the children from unnessesary drama and her manipulations.
 
Replied By: lineinthesand on Jan 7, 2016, 5:39AM - In reply to ashtin
Hello i am in pretty much the same situation. The main difference is that the bios did have custody for about 2 years and the grandsons do remember that time, especailly the older one. We have had custody since they were 2 and 4, they are now 7 and 9. Just like you, the bios have supervised visits. I specifically told my daughter to stop talking about reuinification in her vists. I told the vist monitor she is not to talk about reunification with the boys. Well, yesterday, she announced to the boys that she is pregnant. I am not happy about this pregnancy, mainly becuase of my daughter's manipulations and refusal to acknowledge her mental illness and drug issues. She has used heroin as recently as 7 months ago, and although she may be "clean" for time periods, she has not dealt with her mental health issues. She continues to live in a fantasy world and is a horrible influence on the children. Like you i have the boys seeing a terrific counselor. They have made so much progress. But this pregnancy, and her failure to tell me before the boys proves she is not making plans to protect their emotional well being. She is a long way from being capable of raising these boys along with another baby. The man she is living with (i am assuming he is the father) is not a drug user but i am dissapointed in him noneltheless that they did not use a better form of birth control and that he would make a baby with someone with so much drama and mental illness it is unfair to the child. I have compeltely distanced my self from my daughter. I only see her when i absoutely have to. So i will not have a relationship with this new baby very much either. I am okay with that. But i worry about the boys seeing my lack of enthusiasm for this pregnancy. To make matters worse, she is high-risk, so the chance if a misaciiruage is so high that she shoould not have told them until she was at least in the second trimester. Obviously, she has no concept of protecting the children from unnessesary drama and her manipulations.
 
Replied By: claasy6 on Nov 8, 2015, 11:30AM
I noticed there hasn't been a post in here since 2014, why is that? Granted, it took some digging to get to it, but I finally found it. This should be a top trending topic, but it seems to fall at the weigh side. What can we do as grandparents to this issue off the ground? Just because we are "family" doesn't mean it's any less important that the kids in Foster Care. The only difference is we are not getting the government assistance like the Foster Care kids.
 
Replied By: ashtin on May 15, 2015, 8:46PM
You ask what the biggest concerns are for grandparents raising grandchildren. Of course we have all of the normal concerns of anyone else raising children. With some it's health. With others it's finances. With me it's my grand child's emotional wellbeing.
I have had my gc for almost 4 years. we started officially (taken by DCF) raising this gc at 1 yrs old... Bios were nowhere to be found for the first 3 yrs that we had custody. They eventually were arrested for drugs and after serving several months in jail have gotten clean. I can not begin to tell you the joy in my heart that they have stopped the drugs. It was so bad that I constantly waited for that phone call telling me that they had od'd.
As happy as I am about their change in habits it doesn't change the fact that my gc does not know them as parents. Even with court ordered weekly visitation they come 1/4 of the time. they are no longer a couple so the visits are separate. My gc has been in therapy for 3 yrs hoping that we can get through this with as little emotional damage as possible. We have explained that these are the parents to gc. It doesn't seem to sink in...maybe it's because my gc doesn't know the meaning of parent??? One of the bios started telling my gc that it wouldn't be long and they would all be living together. This caused nightmares, separation anxiety, bed wetting, potty accidents, tantrums...etc
My gc is constantly saying, "don't ever leave me".
Taking a child that has bonded with their caregiver as they should have bonded with bios is unimaginable. This is the equivalent of thanking this child from parents that they have lived with and bonded and giving them to someone who is practically a stranger. Who in their right mind could think that this is in the best interest of the child.?
The goal with these children in permanency. According to the ASFA once a child in in foster care 15 out of 22 months they are available to be adopted by foster parents. This does not apply to kinship caregivers. These children are left in limbo as the bios can petition the courts at any time to regain custody. Is this fair? Should we have double standards? Don't kinship deserve the same stability and permanency as foster?
The thinking that children should always be reunited with bios is outdated and just down right wrong in many cases. The children today are most likely dealing with bios who were/are drug addicts. Many were exposed to drugs in utero and are dealing with the problems that comes along with the drugs. Bios on drugs DO NOT bond with these children. Sometimes once they decide to become parents it's too late...they bond has been made with another caregiver.
If anything, we need legislature that gives kinship children the same rights as foster children...a PERMANENT HOME.
 
Replied By: brewer2011 on Sep 5, 2014, 9:40AM
I have been there too raising my grandbabies too. I have in the past and present still on again off again and they parents shouldnt even have these kids they make some many bad choices and the kids pay... i have had my grand daughter here for 8 month and then she went back to mom and dad by court order mom and dad arent together and their lives are soo messed up its not even funny .. but the courts and the counyt i live really stink.. there is no help here for us grand parents to get the kids in a better place with us... this is a very deprived place where they live.. tryin to do my best in keeping the kids safe but when you have the area you live not helping you since the FUNDING is gone doesnt help.. i just fear for the kids! but tryin to do what i can.. and turning for help her is likeasking for free water....not good..frustrated Nana here.
 
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