Step-Parenting

 
Being a stepparent is one of the most difficult roles any adult will ever assume. If you are a stepparent, you deal with many frustrations and rewards each day that are unique. How is your relationship with your stepchild? What have you learned about blending a family? Share your story.
Comments
Replied By: clarepren on Jun 4, 2016, 10:18PM
hello parents,


i am a mom of 8, 4 of my own and 4 step kids the  past 23 years. It has been an "E ticket", but for the most part a wonderful life. I have been asked many many times over the years how we make it work. Our children call our house "home base". A safe place to fall. I came up with an idea for a book that is very simple and not too overly  psychology based. It would include a workbook for both parents and kids , especially for a support group outline. The past week I visted Barnes and Noble and found 4 books on blended families,once again analyzed and not easy to follow along.


if you had a support group and simple workbook to follow, would you be apart of it?? where you could vent and learn from other parents, would you??


I'm interested in your thoughts and feedback, thank you! 


Clare

 
Replied By: honeypot617 on Apr 22, 2016, 4:10PM - In reply to douglas76
I'm sorry, but is this for real?    Because it sounds weird.   First, is it possible that this boy was ever sexually abused?   Sometimes kids will act out in ways that seem inappropriate until you look at deeper reasons.  Second, you need to set boundaries.   If his behavior makes you uncomfortable, either tell him or talk to his mother about it.   Third, it is also possible that you are misinterpreting his behavior when it is actually innocent.   Maybe he acts this way because you are like a father to him and he is just happy to have you in his life.   You can't assume that he is gay or sexually attracted to you, nor should you assume something that might not be true about him.  


While it certainly IS possible to be attracted to the same sex, even at age 11, you don't actually know that he is gay.   It sounds like he looks up to you as a role model and you need to be careful with how you handle this issue.  



 
Replied By: keric18 on Apr 20, 2016, 11:20PM - In reply to deaun1973
I would say go back and claim your house back. if they refuse to move i would make it really clear that while living under your roof there will be rules for them all to follow.  i had this same issue when i first married my husband. He had his 21 yr son and his gf living with him. It was a power struggle for sure. But i did have my husband backing me. So if hes not willing to back you id be tempted to walk away and never look back!
 
Replied By: deaun1973 on Apr 6, 2016, 2:52PM
My marriage is in trouble and I need some advice and second opinions....My 24 yr old step daughter, her husband and 3 boys (ages 5,4, and 1 1/2) made bad financial decisions, excess purchases and her overdramactic health issues (she has no job anymore) has forced them to live temporarily at my husband and my house.  I have a 17 yr old daughter from a previous marriage and we have no children together.  He also has another daughter, which is another separate problem.  Anyway, they had to live in our dining room.  They are very messy people, do not clean, no daily schedule or routine enforced on children, spend money on things not needed and I felt trapped either in my bedroom or office because we are not used to their lifestyle and the chaos of three small children.  They lived with us for 5 months waiting on income tax money to come in February but they have bad credit and limited income.  I got in a heated arguement with my step daughter and she got mad and they moved in with her half brother.  They were there for 3 weeks and they got in a fight and now they are back in my house.  I told my husband I cannot live with them and deal with it and be cooped up and popping Xanax to deal with them.  Now my daughter and I have moved in with my brother.  My husband is not taking charge of finding them a place like he should and I don't believe he is as strict on house rules as he says he is.  I feel he should be trying harder to get them out of there then we can mend all relationships.  He thinks I should come home and mend relationships now.  I can't handle it at home and I don't know where this is headed.  He feels like I abandoned him and gave up but I feel like he should be getting his step daughter out of there and working hard on that to get me home.  What should I do?  Please, someone tell me...
 
Replied By: douglas76 on Dec 22, 2015, 7:28AM
I am currently dating this wonderful lady, and she has a, nearly 12yr old, son. We have been dating for about 7 years, there are some complications but I don't think that they are relevent to this situation that I have. I love her son like he was my own, I try to be a good male role model for him to follow and look up to. I try to teach him about manners, being a gentleman, helping with his school work, the things that a godparent are supposed to do. 


Here in lies the problem. I think he "likes" me, or he thinks he likes me. I don't know how to deal with this. I have shown no overt or covert intentions, I am hetrosexual but not a bigot, I haven't told his mother my concerns either. I am not interested in him in that manner, or ANY child, please don't missunderstand me. I have dealt, politely with gay men who thought I was open to that without issue. But he is only 11, how do I do this?


The last incident happened last night. In the last 15 years, lets say I am not as svelt as I was. The clothes I wore back then an before no longer fit me. So I asked his mother if it would be okay with her if I asked him if he wanted some old jeans and tops I couldn't fit into before I donated them. Instead of bringing all my wardrobe downstairs (I have very few clothes that fit me properly now), I asked him to come upstairs to my bedroom, which he has been told he is not to enter, ever; unless told he can. I left all the lights on, and the door open. When he entered he went to close the door, I stopped him and opened it again. I went to my wardrobe and started to get the old colthes out. Anything I thought he might like jeans wise, I told him to go into the bathroom, close the door and try them on. He argued and didn't, he just pulled them over the clothes he was wearing.


But he keeps trying to undress infront of me, and he is always hugging me. We have an open relationship. I have explained to him that there is nothing he cannot discuss with me, and I would not get upset or mad, but we would talk about it, and unless it involved him getting hurt in anyway or someone else getting hurt, then it would stay between the two of us. But these last few weeks have been trying for me. It is making me uncomfortable being alone with him, which I do to give his mother some time alone to rest, nap, girl time, what ever she wants to do without having to worry about her son, or pay a babysitter. I don't want to stop spending time with him, as I do love him as if he were my own son, but I don't have those feelings. 


Even typing this I sound like a disgusting pervert prying on a child, which is raising my stress level somewhat. But all I want is to be a good male role model in his life, because he hasn't had one other than his grandfather. Please help me. I want to be there for him, but I need to make him understand that what he is doing is not wrong, but inappropriate.
 
Replied By: honeypot617 on Oct 20, 2015, 9:08AM - In reply to kmlantz
See, you sound like a great stepmother!   You love and care about your stepkids, and they feel the same way about you.   It's too bad that most people don't have such a positive experience.  Thanks for sharing your story.
 
Replied By: honeypot617 on Oct 20, 2015, 8:51AM - In reply to conflicted18
Also, you said that you don't have anything outside of your husband...no job, no family, no car, etc.   I understand that sometimes there are situations that seem impossible to escape if you don't have money or emotional support from other places.   But for the sake of your children, you need to reach out for help.  Being completely dependent on somebody else is bad in this day and time...a woman needs to be able to support herself if anything should happen, especially in an abusive situation.   You need to find a way to take care of yourself and your two children.  Could you try working from home?    That might help just a little bit.  


Sometimes women stay in relationships because they feel like they "need" a man (no matter how he treats them or the children) and they need help with paying bills or meeting other needs.   I understand completely, but you need to put your kids first.  When you have an adult being hostile to your child and saying that he hates him, there is a problem and you need to do something about it.   Plenty of women have managed to raise children with no help from anyone so if it comes to that, I'm sure you can do it too.   


He resents your son because it is not his biological child...this seems to be the real problem with many step-parents.  It is convenient to say that the kid is a brat or whatever, but the REAL issue is jealousy and insecurity at the child's existence in your life.  The child is a reminder to him that you were with somebody else and had a kid with that person.  That is what bothers many of these step-parents.  They want you to reject your own flesh and blood.  









 
Replied By: honeypot617 on Oct 20, 2015, 8:35AM - In reply to conflicted18
My heart goes out to your little boy and to you.  First, I understand that you're in a difficult situation because you love this man and you also have a child with him.  


But the way he is treating your older son is not right.  As that little boy's mother, your job is to protect him from harm...what your husband is doing is abusive.  He is only 5 years old.  Shoot, even if he were older, it still wouldn't be OK.   You need to talk with your husband about this.  His attitude towards his stepson is terrible and it needs to stop.  I was also the stepchild of a man who hated me, so I've had plenty of experience to back up what I'm saying.  


Your son is just an innocent kid, he doesn't deserve to be treated this way.  My mother knew that my stepfather hated me and she stayed with him anyway.   She didn't care about my feelings or what he was putting me through.  You need to make your husband see that this is NOT cool.  He might not love your child from a previous relationship, but he needs to grow up and accept that your son is a part of you and you will not allow anyone to mistreat him.   If he doesn't like it, he can hit the road.  His behavior is immature and selfish...saying that he "hates" your son?    I will never understand people who pair up with somebody who already has children, yet they have this selfish attitude.   Does he expect you to love him (and your child with him)  more than you love your son from a previous relationship?


And I'm not judging you at all...my heart hurts for you.  But you need to be honest with yourself and with your husband.  There are some wonderful step-parents out there but most of the time, people use poor judgment and have relationships with people who mistreat their children and everyone turns a blind eye to it.  What he is doing is hurtful and destructive;  it will only get worse if you don't put a stop to it.  He will only continue if you allow it.  



 
Replied By: conflicted18 on Oct 13, 2015, 3:14PM
I have a 5 year old son from a previous relationship, I also have a 1.5 year old son with my husband of less than a year. Before our son was born he was hood with his stepson. But now it is very different.bus has said multiple times that he hates him, doesn't want anything to so with him etc. There are a few times that he takes interest in doing things with him but mostly he yells at him or tells him to go to his room. Every time I say something we fight. I myself had a mother who always chose a man over me and my siblings and I swore I never wanted to the same. I love my husband I also love my son very much. He's told me to choose one, he said he only said it because he was angry. I do not have anything outside of my husband. No friends, no car, no job, and basically no family. I need advice on what to do and how. I feel torn in two directions.
 
Replied By: elicias13 on Oct 4, 2015, 3:01PM
I have 2 beautiful biological children. I am no longer with thier biological father. I have been with my husband for 2 years now nd still have not met his 3 children. His Ex has refused to even let him see them for a year and a half. The court system where I am is a joke. She has refused to follow a court order and they dropped the contemp of court hearing. Anyways I was hoping that maybe somebody would have any advise for when I meet my 3 step-children. There will be no getting along with thier biological mother so please do not suggest that. She has threated to kill me and my children if we are ever near my step-kids. And no the court wouldnt do aything about that either.
 
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