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Co-Parenting

 
Dealing with an ex when you have children together can be difficult, especially when negative emotions are involved. Are you sharing a child with someone who doesn't live with you? How do you handle the situation? Are you amicable, or is it a challenge? Share your stories and advice with others.
Comments
Replied By: maryanne64 on Apr 21, 2014, 8:31PM
Well, there's more to it than just that. The father of my grandson isn't listed on the birth cert. He's in jail right now pre-trial but supposedly going to plead to the felony charges which could land him in jail for a minimum of 2 years. My stepdaughter just told me today she's planning on getting the state to pay her child support for their son (she's not working & this isn't what I think is the smartest choice she could make - a bit lazy in my eyes) so to help her mother who's been footing all the bills since November, pretty much. I told my stepdaughter that she wouldn't be able to get any child support from BabyDaddy until he was listed on the birth cert (which will require DNA to prove paternity) back in Jan when she left him, so how does she think she's going to get the state to pay her??? He's never denied he's the father, but this isn't a he said/she said? It's a legal thing... Does anyone have any answers??
 
Replied By: shiibabii on Apr 15, 2014, 7:13PM
BEING INVOLVED WITH A PERSON OF THIS TYPE OF BEHAVIOR IS NOT OKAY! I GUESS IT TOOK ME FIVE YEARS TO FIGURE THIS ALL OUT WHEN THINGS GOT VERY SERIOUS. I HAVE A SMALL CHILD WITH MY EX AND SINCE I ENDED THE RELATIONSHIP, ITS BEEN CRAZY SINCE THEN. I AM A FORGIVING PERSON BUT I WILL NOT TRUST THE PERSON SO EASILY. HIS FAMILY AND HIM ARE VERY CONTROLLING AND POSSESSIVE TOWARDS US. IF I DO NOT GET BACK WITH HIM THEY WILL CONTINUE TO DRAG ME IN COURT! VERY, VERY DYSFUNCTIONAL BUT I AM TRYING TO HAVE A CO PARENTING RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. BUT MY EX DOESNT FINANCIAL SUPPORT OUR CHILD OR SEE OUR CHILD AS IS. BUT WE HAVE GONE TO COURT BACK TO BACK BECAUSE HE INSISTS ON MAKING MY LIFE MISEARBLE UNTIL I GIVE IN AND GIVE HIM WHAT HE WANTS...ME!! THIS HAS GOTTEN PRETTY EXTREME OVER TIME BUT I WILL FIGHT IT THROUGH. HIS MOTHER ON THE OTHER HAND INFLUENCES HIS BEHAVIOR AND ENCOURAGES HIM TO DO AS HE PLEASES. SINCE SHE ABANDON HIM WHEN HE WAS YOUNGER HE SEEKS HER APPROVAL FOR THAT LOVE AND ATTENTION NO MATTER GOOD OR EVIL
 
Replied By: dheavne on Apr 8, 2014, 10:40AM
My children have not lived with their father for the majority of their lives.  I have explained that their father and I got a divorce because we weren't a good combination and that it is better to live with one happy parent than two angry parents.

My biggest concern is how my children feel inside because their father does not communicate with them.  My eleven year old son recently wrote his dad a letter as part of an assignment.  He wrote that his dad sucked and that his dad was missing out on a great kid.  How do I make my son and his 10 year old sister know that it isn't their fault that their dad doesn't make time for them or make them feel loved?



 
Replied By: elizafine on Apr 7, 2014, 2:37PM
My niece came to me at 19 with her baby boy and I gave her a home and offered college for her and care for her child then an infant in 2002.  She decided she didn't want to be a Mom and gave me full custody until 2008 when she had returned after no visits for 6 years to this great little boy (now 11) yanked him back into chaos and he has NEVER bonded with her.  He recently wrote letter to CPS and his school about things he is afraid of and has witnessed while around her.  She is addicted to alcohol and drugs and has a younger child by another father age 7.....


Recently found out his bio dad gets $450 month child support to take care of "her needs" I have agreed shared parenting and it is under cps investigation now I have been in touch with L. Foust on your show and need help desperately......


He sent a video to you Dr. Phil I hope I get some response to this I have been trying since February to get HELP ....time is running out
 
Replied By: faye89 on Apr 7, 2014, 10:17AM
We were together for just 5 months before I fell pregnant and we moved in together and that's where things went downhill. Our baby boy is now 10 months old and we still live together. I'm finding it challenging with our different parenting styles, due to our different upbringings and values and things that I didn't think about being a big problem before are now. I'm religious and he is not. This is becoming more of a problem since we have a child together.. for instance I want our son to be baptised but he questions it  and challenges me as he has never been around religious people. questioning is fine..I support that bcause thats how we learn and understand but what upsets me is when it feels like he puts down my beliefs. For example when I said that 'our baby is a gift to us, a blessing', and he said 'he's not a gift, he wasn't given to us. He was made from my sperm and your egg'


I am finding it difficult trying to keep a child-friendly environment in the home. For instance he swears a lot (he is trying to control it) , listens to profane music, enjoys video games that quite frankly disgust me , I.e. Grand Theft Auto 5. Bringing that in the house when we just had a beautiful innocent baby really upset me. I'm not used to material like that and I found that video game excessively violent, profane and misogynistic.  I also find it hard to understand why he would enjoy a game like that. I wonder to myself if I am being too 'strict' but I think at a time where an innocent little baby is brought into my life it is quite a contrast to a lot 
darkness in the world and I find that hard to accept because I want to keep my baby away from all of that. 


When I try to discuss things with him he is highly defensive, argumentative and stubborn. He has said he has 'communication problems' and I think that's a big hinderence to our relationship. And I think I'm extra sensitive which also doesn't help as I take things more seriously. 




Any thoughts?


Thanks, Faye
 
Replied By: paonat on Mar 22, 2014, 2:51PM
I am separated since 3 years ago, we have  3 wonderful kids together so for them I have been copying with all the expenses we need, with my parents support and help. My ex has visiting days three weekend in a month, that was agreed by both parties, i always tried my best to put my agenda back and my kids needs and best interest first ( although I must said is very difficuly to deal sometimes with the nonsense of taking kids on vacation when he doesnt cover their first need  primarily), the thing is I arranged to get my attorney to file for divorce, we (my attorney and myself ) have been continuosly tried to settle a separation arrangement and chil support quantity, over and over, and my ex always has something to change and review.... Three years on this I really don't see a compromise to take any responsability in terms of child support, so now I am struggling between keeping him from seeing the kids ( which at the end I really dont think is a solution, but only a way for him to have consecuences for his lack of responsability towards them). The kids now are showing signs of anxiety and that breaks my heart, I just want them to be happy, but the failing of his father to act in a responsable way for them,  to make an effort to cover their needs is unacceptable, and I feel he is abusing me and  my par ents because he relays on me, that I will find a way for them to have what they need. 

I am really struggling and praying  to have the best outcome for my children, but that is also in terms of money to cover his needs (I have never asked for alimony or anything for me, I can do it for myself, but I am not willing to cover his responsabilities in any way).











 
Replied By: irags19 on Mar 22, 2014, 1:20PM
My girlfriend and I have children aged 3 years and 10 months. Unfortunately, things have not been going very well for a while. I have been emotionally abusive towards her. I have not respected her or showed her enough affection. I'm struggling to understand why I do these things when in my heart I truly love her and believe that she is the greatest person I know. I haven't dealt with the stress of parenting well enough, and neither of us have asked anybody outside of the relationship for help or advice. She feels that she has nothing left to give. That I won't be able to change despite wanting to get help and make things right. I don't want our family to be torn apart because of my mistakes. Is it just a matter of giving her time? She's moving so quickly. She moved to her dad's and is applying for an apartment and determined to not get back in this situation. I want so deperately to convince her to stay and let me show her I can change but she'll have none of that. She says that the last time this happened I said the same things and nothing changed. Unfortunately the last time this happened and we agreed to work things out, we found out less than a month later that we were having our second child and just got overwhelmed. I need help. Please.
 
Replied By: alishako on Mar 14, 2014, 10:09PM
I have a 16 month old daughter and i left her father just before she was !year old.  We were not married but we were living together for 2 years prior to.  The relationship between my daughters father and I was very toxic and occured often in front of my daughter wihtin her first year of life.  Her father was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive towards me for a long time before we even brought a daughter into this world.   I had started making plans of moving out and beoming a single mom before my daughters first birthday because I felt like it was the best decision for the both of us.  When I finally left I had no choice but to leave my daughter with her father that morning because he had her in his hands and would not let go of her.  He would not even let me say goodbye to her.  I went back twice a day every day to see my daughter and he would lock me out of the house and would not let me see my daughter. Finally four days later I was able to obtain a lawyer and get the correct paper work drawn up so that I could go get my daughter back in my custody.  As of now we are following the FOC guildlines on custody and visitations (I have full custody and her father has her every tues. 6pm- wed.6pm & every other sat, 6pm-sun.6pm).  There are times when my daughters father is very polite and respectful of me but other times not.  He has called me very vicious names still in front of his family and my daughter when it comes to pick up and drop offs.  He will wait until exactly 6pm to hand me my daughter even if I am there 15 mins early.  We went to court infront of a judge and he and his sister both blantently lied on the stand during this court date.  He (my daughters father) claims to the courts that I mentally unstable to have custody of my daughter because I suffered from post partum depression when she was first born.  I no longer deal with this.  I am no where near perfect and I don't claim to be but I am no longer allowing my daughters father to intimidate me and treat me with disrespect.  I am not going to waste my time knocking him down with my words or emotions because I feel like I just don't need to do this.  I feel like the people that really matter in my life and my daughters life know what he is truly about and I do not need to remind them.  I am trying to make my daughters life the best possible life ever and I am not going to quit trying!  I want to be the best mom that I can be for my daughter!  Some days I feel like I have let her down becuase she won't have that "perfect" family but then I remember that there is not such thing as perfect.  Whether I be a single mother for the next 17 yrs of my life or I find my soulmate and we both raise my daughter together, I can make it the best family she will ever have by showing and telling her how much LOVE we all have for her! Dr. Phili has helped me a lot in the past few months during these difficult times.  By watching certain shows and reading message boards I have learned and came to the conclusion of what I need to do so that my daughter comes first in everything.
 
Replied By: jewleye on Mar 10, 2014, 11:20AM
2007 must have been that year where couples were fighting and then the divprce. The thing of this is ,the kids are nprmally corersed. The dad becomes this loveing person gradually, giveing the kids whatever they want.knowing the kids would turn against mom. My x got marroed shortly after we divorced. My x and his wife bece a team to destroy whatever i had instilled in them. They tore down everthing i had taught them. They allowed my kids to bring boys to their house, drink, have sex, while my x and his wife were in bed for the night. I had rules, no rules were applied at his house. The kids, all they had tp dp was call him crying. My x and hos wife were minipulators and lied. They taught my girls that it was ok. When one of my girls turned 13, i overheard my daughter and her stepmom on the phone. I heard the stepmom tell my daughter she didmt have to listen to me. So much had been cohersed. It worked. My daughters wound up not respecting me, they talk to me as if i am a stranger. They are grown now. One is estranged from me and my youngest lives in Michigan.  There is so much more to this story, but the thing to this is, dont belittle  a parent to any child. Its not worth the abuse thats carried down. I lost my kids and my grandchildren. I never get to see them. I have put it in Gods hands littetally.As long as i have breath, i have hope.
 
Replied By: dgott13 on Feb 24, 2014, 5:21PM
Im a father of two wonderful child by two different women. I am married to one and we have a son together and he is three. And my daugther is seven and that is what i need help on. My daugther's mother is litteraly not taking care of her in no means a mother should. Our daugther lives with my ex's parents and my ex's lives is a one bedroom apartment. Our daugther refers her grandparents homes as" her home" and she just has "sleepovers" at her mom's once in a very great while. Just a couple of weeks ago our daugther was over at my house (father) and said she only gets bathed on evey thrid day and lately she has been coming over to my house with a slight body odor to her. On top of that she is always sick with a runny nose. 
    My ex's parent pays for the five thousand a year private school our daugther attends to now. Our daugthers grandmothers takes and picks her up from school. Our daugther told me that "mommy only does it sometime. My ex does work but not til one in the afternoon and gets off of work no later then seven in the evening. I don't seee no reason why my ex could not take her to school in the morning and pick her up in the evenings when she gets off to give our daugther her dinner and baths. As far as Im concern my ex really dont know whats going on herself. I am court ordered to pay child support and i have been paying them for the last five years now and i complete agree paying child support for my child if she is being supported with it and i feel as if the money isnt. And court order that the parents are the only people to make exchange with the kid at the times that are set, but i been dealing with my ex's parents and the raising of my child. I make twenty-three dollars an hour and support my stay at home wife and three year old fine on my income. I feel my daugther is being robbed of time of being with her mom and being raised by her parents and not by spoiling grandparents. ( and thats a long diffent story with the spoiling grandparents...dont want to know.) i feel that my ex is stealing the money that should be used on our daugther. I just dont know what to do...
 
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