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Adoption

 
Have you adopted a child or are you considering adoption? Or, were you adopted? Have you fostered a child? Did you place a child for adoption and are you eager to reach out to him or her? Share your stories and support for others.
Comments
Replied By: rawwdacious on Jul 21, 2014, 2:31PM - In reply to sohappysioux
I WENT THROUGH SOMETHING SIMILAR. I WAS ADDICTED TO DRUGS AND LOST MY KIDS DUE TO IT. I LOST MY MIND AFTER THAT AND SLEPT IN ABONDEN HOUSES AND WAS LOST FOR 4 YEARS I CAME ACROSS A SITUATION WHERE I ALMOST LOST MY LIFE AND FOR SOME REASON I DECIDED THAT WAS IT. I GOT A DEGREE GOT MARRIED AND HAVE HAD A JOB FOR A WHILE NOW AND I AM INVOLVED IN MY KIDS LIFE FOR 4 YEARS NOW AND BEEN CLEAN 6 YEARS. I MADE ALOT OF MISTAKES AND ALL I AM NOT PROUD OF BUT THOSE MISTAKES HELPED ME TO BE A BETTER MOTHER TO MY KIDS AND EVEN THOUGH I DONT HAVE THEM LIVING WITH ME I TRY MY BEST TO STAY IN TOUCH EVERY DAY WITH THEM. THEY NOW WANT TO LIVE WITH ME AND SINCE MY AUNT ADOPTED THEM SHE DOESNT WANT TO REVERSE ADOPTION BECAUSE SHE GOT ATTACHED. I WOULD LOVE FOR THEM TO BE WITH ME BUT I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO AND HOW TO REVERSE AN ADOPTION. I HEARD IF THE CHILD IS 15 AND OLDER THAT IT WOULD BE CONSIDERED AND MY GIRLS ARE 16, 15, AND 12. BUT HOW CAN I DO THIS WITHOUT RISKING THE FACT OF NOT BEING ABLE TO SEE THEM?
 
Replied By: sweetmelis25 on May 28, 2014, 10:22AM
The end of March we were chosen as potential adoptive parents of a baby boy.  We, along with our case worker believed that everything was going well.  We had the room ready, clothes & everything all ready to go.  The baby was born the middle of May.  I was there soon after his birth & my husband & daughter arrived later.  We all had that bonding time with our little guy.  Our daughter is 7 & it breaks my heart that she had a little brother for a few hours & he was literally ripped from our arms & our lives.  I am so heart broken & also very mad.  I'm not mad at her or that she changed her mind, I'm disappointed in that.  I am mad that if she was having a change of heart I wish that she would have said something before my daughter arrived.  As a parent I would do anything to protect my child & I feel that I let her down.  Now we have this bedroom ready for a little guy who will never be there.  I pray that we will be able to adopt soon, I just feel so let down that I am discouraged.  I feel for anyone who has ever had to go through this.

Our daughter is also adopted & I know that every experience is different.  We want to adopt more children so badly that I feel that is all I think about.  I don't know what I am hoping to come from posting on this message board, but any support from others is appreciated.  Thank you!
 
Replied By: elisabetam on May 15, 2014, 1:35PM
You know, Mother's Day has just passed us and I was thinking about both my Mothers this year.  

I met my biological Mother in 2007.  She lives just 40 minutes from me and has for my entire life.  She and I have a lot in common; particular the penchant for dying our hair red for some odd reason.  And we like the same color of dye for red hair.

I was adopted when I was 5 months old.  My adoptive parents were 35 years old when they adopted me.  They had tried to have children of their own, but my A-Mom had 5 miscarriages before they decided to adopt.  I found out I was adopted when I was 5 years old.  My A-parents came to me and told me that I was going to be a big sister; they were having a baby.  They wanted me to know that even though I was adopted - meaning I was not blood related to them, I was still their daughter and this new child would be treated the same as they treated me (which was relatively superb as far as I'm concerned.)  21 days after I turned 6, here came Timothy - my little brother.

When I met my B-Mom, I found out I have a half brother who is exactly 1 year and 2 months younger than me - to the day; and 2 half sisters.  I am doomed to be the oldest no matter with which family I am.

My B-Mom is 60 now; getting close to retirement.  My A-Mom passed over in April 2010 at age 76.  I was thinking about both of them recently because thanks to both of them I am the Mom I am now.  If my B-Mom had not followed the advice of her Mother and brother, I would not have been my A-Mom's daughter.  If I had not had an A-Mom like the one I had, I wouldn't know what it is like to be accepted whether you are blood or not.

Every child/teen/college kid who walks through my door calls me "Mom"...always has and they always will.  I accept them for who they are. I talk to them when they need an ear to bend.  I feed them like I do my own children and step-children.  We joke, play games, watch movies, go to events and weather the tough stuff together.  My children's friends know to just call me "Mom" - there is no "Mrs. Lewis" here, or Ms. Chris.

I do not know my biological father, although I have a name.  But, when Father's Day rolls around, I have an 80 year old A-Dad that will be just as doted on and loved as my A-Mom and B-Mom were and are.  If he ever stops picking on me, I will know something is wrong.  
 
Replied By: achndl95 on May 11, 2014, 12:27PM - In reply to sohappysioux
I agree with you completly.  My children share a bio mom who lost them to drugs.  I always tell my kids that their birth mom loved them (she is dead now).  She had a disease that she could not beat.  I never bad mouth their bio mom.
 
Replied By: achndl95 on May 11, 2014, 12:21PM
I am 42.  I have two adopted kids that we fostered for nineteen months.  It has been truly a labor of love.  My kids were 6 and 6months when they came to me.  I feel that the classes that we had to take for our state did not adequately prepare us for raising emotionally damaged children.  I also feel that we were not told of alot of the damage that they suffered at the hands of their birth mom.  


The biggest issues have been with my son.  In this last year he hasbeen ddiagnosed with bipolar and then changed to RAD.  He is very defiant and disrespectful.   He screams and yells alot.  My son just turned 8. This past friday I saw the show about violent kids. What I saw was scary because I saw my son in those kids.  He has already gotten so angry that he took his father's knife and threatened at least five kids.  He has had some sexually acting out behavior.  He curses out other kids as well.  I don't know how to handle him.  He is not at grade level at school either academicly or socially.  He does not keep friends long.  He is calms and sweet some of the time and other times be is very angry.


My husband I of almost 19 years of marriage have recently split.   Our marriage is done.  Now I am alone in handling my son's behavior.

 
Replied By: jenmrsll66 on Apr 23, 2014, 1:53PM
I am a adoptee. I was adopted at the age of four. I found my birth parents.  My birth mother gets mad when I say birth mother. It took me 12 and a half years to find her. I have had a relationship with her since 1998. I feel like she puts it all on me. I am getting married next month for the first time in my life at 47 and she will be there. Wondering why I have to do all changes aren't relationships 50/50??
 
Replied By: babycade on Jan 12, 2014, 11:04PM - In reply to fostermomne
Hi.  I hope you are still on the Dr. Phil message boards.  I think I have alot of valuable and first hand experience and knowledge.


First, posting on this website that if someone is thinking of placing their child up for adoption to consider you and your husband is not appropriate at all.  I am sure that your intentions are good but it is not really the place to solicit.  Sorry if you take offense but I feel very strongly about this AND you are obviously vulnerable and I would hate that you skip a step that could protect you and your family and potentially be taken advantage of.  Additionaly, I think it "cheapens" who you are.  I have no doubt that your heart is in the right place but not everyone else's is.


I was adopted at birth 45 years ago AND I used to work for a private adoption attorney.  It was a very small practice so my involvement with the birth mothers, birth fathers, adoptive parents and the courts was intense.  Adoption is a very emotional and complicated transaction.  My adoption was thru Catholic Social Services in Philadelphia, PA and was totally closed.  My parents were called one day and had me the next.  I am not sure how popular this type of adoption is today or if it even exists anymore.


My employer/lawyer practiced semi-private adoption.  The birth mothers came to us pregnant (usually before the end of the second trimester (ideally by month 4)) and was "matched" with one of our approved adoptive "couples".  This is a couple who had their home study completed and was interviewed by the lawyer and had paid a deposit/retainer.  Birth mothers were also interviewed (several times), completed extensive paperwork, had a medical certification of pregnancy and at least 1 pre-natal visit prior to being accepted into our firm.


I will just refer to the lawyer as "Judy" to make this easier but this was not her name.  Judy would present birth mothers to adoptive couples first.  Depending on the couples budget and requirements (usually few), they would be preliminarily matched with the birth mom.  If the couples were receptive, thay would be the couple that we would present to the bm (birth mother).  If the couple was approved by the bm and all agreed, a face to face meeting would be set up with Judy or myself present.  If that went good then an official contract for that adoption would be written up and signed by all parties.  The inital required court papers would be filed at this time too.   


The contract would list all of the fees and scheduled monthly payments to the bm (rent, groceries, utilities, transportation allowance, ....) whatever is agreed upon ahead of time is all part of the contract.  The law in FL (where the lawyer practiced but was licensed in NY, CT, NJ and FL) allowed for reasonable living expenses to be paid to the bm to assist her during her pregnancy.  Her medical bills were covered by Medicaid and an OBGYN (that we had an exclusive contract with) was used (to induce delivery at a  hospital local to the law firm) to better manage the birth and consent.  The OBGYN costs were also paid by the couple and any travel expenses and temporary housing for the bm before/after delivering.


As I stated in the beginning, adoption is a very complicated and emotional transaction.  Maintaining the relationship with the bm was the most time consuming of all.  Depending on her situation, some bm's required more care than others.  This is true of couples too.  Contact between the bm and the couple is usually dictated by the bm and it is imperative that the couple is cooperative with this.  There are so many nuances that are very specific to each adoption, is the main reason I made the comment about you posting on this message board about your desire to adopt a strangers baby.  Do you understand?


I do not know your financial situation but most adoptions (at my law firm) were in the $35,000 range.  To me this seemed outrageous and when you consider the home studies and travel that may be required it could be closer to $40,000+!!!  There is also no guarantee that an adoption will go thru.  In my time with this specific law firm I only had 1 adoption fall apart and I think from the start we all had an uneasy feel about the bm's intentions.  A one point (prior to the fail) a decision to go forward was made (including the adoptive couple) and it was a risk that was taken.  In the end, the couple had nothing to show for all of the money that was paid and no legal recourse.  This is the risk that adoption has and since selling a baby is illegeal, a transaction can not take place in the sense of a "sale".  Any time the lawyer has spent, the court filing fees and reimbursement of any expenses paid by the the lawyer related to this bm, usually a deposit is not returned either.  To say that a couple is devastated is truly an understatement.....emotionally and financially!!!  There used to be insurance policies related to adoption but to my knowledge, these do not exist anymore.



While working in this field we came across many, many shady lawyers, agencies and birth parents.  Making the decision to choose your liason should be based on recommendation and reputation!!!  This cannot be stressed more.  A check of the lawyers bar record is imperative.  The firm that I worked for was very transparent (a good thing) and she was also a licensed Social Worker as well.  Her husband was a Psychiatrist and he reviewed all the birth parent profiles and any concerns were discussed with him.  This lawyer took on only as many clients as she could manage at one time and that depends on the number of birth mothers (and how far along they are).  Her waiting list was always long but she never required any money to be paid to her until she got closer to or actually matched the couple with thier bm.  An exception was any home visit that was required and if that involved travel.  This attorney had couples that were located in many different states.  All adoptions went thru the State of Florida and most births would happen in FL (preferably local to law firm).  There was a conscience attempt to keep costs down at all times.  I have to say, I was always impressed with how much care was taken to save money.  Again, you would be surprised how some attorney's act about thier clients escrow accounts.


If it sounds as if I am selling this lawyer, I am not.  I moved from FL 15 years ago and have not had much contact with her.  Being adopted myself, I have maintained an interest in the industry and followed any legal cases that I find to be intriguing.  Major changes were made in Adoption Law in 2010 and not much since then.   All states are different and when I worked for this firm, FL was a state that was known to be an adoptive parent friendly state but again, anything is possible.  I believe the other states that were known to be the same way were TX and CA.  Again, this is only based on my opinion and could be wrong.


I know that most couples don't first decide to run out and adopt.  They usually have exhausted all other options (like IVF, and possibly explored a surrogate mother) before coming to the decision to adopt.  Adoption is difficult to accept and everyone wants their own biological child.  Adoption is also difficult if you are older, have any addictive or criminal past, have been divorced or have a medical issue.....there are many reasons that adoption may not be right for your family.  The attorney that I worked with would also (in some cases)  do international adoption or work with a State Child Services situation.  It depends on the size of the firm that you decide to go with.  There are many avenues available to a couple that wishes to adopt....being flexible and patient is the key. 


I think adoption is a wonderful experience and road to embark on.....for the right couples.  If you find the right advocate to be on your side guiding you, it can be so beautiful.  My hope for you is that you are blessed with a beautiful child in the right amount of time.  It will be if you want it to.


Good luck and God bless you and your family,

Tammy
Ocean City, NJ 
tamandcade@yahoo.com                       
 
Replied By: fostermomne on Oct 31, 2013, 8:03AM
In 1998, a month shy of my 13th birthday, I required a surgery that left me unable to conceive children. I was truly devastated at first because even at that young age I felt a calling to be a mother. I decided at that time that someday I would adopt. In 2010 I married an amazingly wonderful man, Joshua, and he shares my dream of a big family. We have done fostercare. I recently became employed with the state of Nebraska providing ongoing ongoing care for state wards and their families. This employment has left us unable to foster, but I truly believe that with one door closed, another will surely open and we will see our dream of a family fulfilled.

We are currently on a waiting list in our state. If any of you who have adopted have any advice we would surely welcome it. If you are looking to place your child for adoption certainly consider us :)
 
Replied By: tothewoodz on Oct 29, 2013, 5:51PM
In 1994 my husband (now ex) and I Decided to use the cryo- bank of California for a sperm adoption. We live in the state of Oklahoma and here at that time you must go threw all the Legal adoption procedures even if it's just for a vial of sperm. I remember reading all the sperm Donors background checks and some of them were American Indian. We almost at the time chose one of those vials. I wonder if this to will become an issue with  the American Indian Tribes to be Encouraging for the donors to proceed in finding these children? Does anyone know if it has? Maybe Dr. Phil should touch on the subject.
 
Replied By: sohappysioux on Sep 20, 2013, 12:05PM
Parents who are addicted to drugs or alcohol love their children just as much as parents that aren't addicted.....they just have a terrible problem.  I had children while I was addicted to drugs and used during most of their childhood, and I loved them as much or more than any parent alive.  


I'm now clean and the foster parent to kids who's parents are suffering from drug and alcohol addiction.  They have heard comments from previous foster parents about "your parent loved the drugs, more than they loved you".......and "how could that parent not love their child enough to quit using".  


These statements are simply untrue!!!  Addiction and love cannot be compared, and are totally separate from each other.


Please don't make comments such as the ones above to children you take into your home, or even while watching a program on TV etc.  Kids who have gone through having an addicted parent need to know that their mother or father loves them just as much as anyone else, but that they have a bad problem or illness that they need to work on so that they can be a better parent.....but it has NOTHING to do with love!

 
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