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Are you sick of your spouse's chauvinistic, controlling or abusive behavior? Do you feel like you're just a step away from divorce -- but you don't want to be? If your marriage has changed from a healthy, happy union to an angry, resentful or toxic one, share your story and find support here!
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Replied By: ekdd9813 on May 2, 2015, 11:21PM - In reply to moonshine13
I feel just like you do; I am glad we didn't have our children from previous marriages living with us.  We have had problems since we started dating.  I should have gone with my instincts and not married him.  He has always done something to toss me to the side so he could go hang out or talk to other women.  Of Course when I would buy him things he wouldn't toss me aside for a little while.   A few years ago when I walked in on him talking to a female friend from an online game he said that they were talking about the game.  This happened several times and I heard them talk about more than the game.  I told him she was a homewrecker and all she wanted to do was come between us; which she did.  He went out of the state to do some military training.  He would not make any real efforts to call, text or email me.  Sometimes he would already be upset before hearing my response to him not calling me and he would act as if I had already been upset and said something about him not calling me.  When he came home after 3 months you would think the first thing he would want to do is make love to his wife.  Instead he talked to me as if I was a buddy and showing me all the things he had gotten and learned or whatever while he was away.  I asked him why he hadn't grabbed me and run into the bedroom and he said he "was tired".  I later found a facebook conversation between him and the online gamer friend.  It was all sexual and he had long ago stopped talking to me like that.  They made plans to meet in a hotel when he went to do some more training a  month later.  Since I had found that conversation I believe it did not happen.  Had I not found it I believe it would have happened.  When I confronted him he lied about it.  Hmm if I'm asking you point blank with specifics about something; that means I already know and want to see if you will admit it.  It remained unresolved in my mind as he had disrespected me yet again and it was not going to be the last time.   He had several other times he had to go away for training and would treat me like a family member and not his wife or soulmate.  He always neglected to communicate with me when he was away.  He deployed to Afghanistan and said things to me like "you want me to spend all my spare time with you".  Hmm what else are you going to do in the desert but try to maintain contact with your loved ones.  He was only nice when he wanted me to do something for him or send him something he wanted.  He sent his laptop to me to get it repaired.  I found 100's of pornographic movies; that he thought he deleted, on it.  Things I never thought he would watch.    I also found conversations again on his Skype with the same gamer woman.  He said he talked to her because he was mad at me.  He said the movies were not his and when he borrowed someone else's portable drive he downloaded everything they had on it and then deleted what he didn't want.  In 3 years we barely saw each other and our sex life became almost nonexistent.  The same thing happened when he returned from his deployment and he said sex with me "felt weird".   Then he became impotent.  They gave him viagara and he would not take it because he did not have the desire for sex so why bother taking it.  We have  a mother and son relationship since I take care of all the bills and anything else that needs to be done as well as running a business.  He has had periods of unemployment but didn't bother to do house work in or outside of the  house.  When he returned from his deployment I waited patiently while he was at a Wounded Warrior program 2 hours away and we saw each other on the weekend.  We would go to dinner or the movies or just hang out at the house.  We did all the things that should have brought us closer together and given us back intimacy.  But that intimacy never came.  I knew that we would have to go to marriage counseling but we could not do that for 2 years till he was living at home.  When he came home for good he became more unbearable. Resentment grew and my discussions with him turned into arguments and yelling.  It got to the point that if I attempted to discuss any issue he would say "I don't want to argue".   So, all our issues remained unsettled and I would keep bringing them up when he upset me.  He blames my anger on our marital issues instead of the issues that caused my anger and resentment.  Like his disrespect, lying, laziness, selfishness and self absorbtion.   He said that he needed space, alone time and time with his friends.  I work over 40 hours a week and that was not enough alone time or time to be with friends.  He said if he went with his friends that I would keep calling or text him to death.  He spent 2 years doing things I know nothing about and I did not text him to death or call him because he would not answer me anyway.  I got used to be ignored. But  I admit when I got mad I would just keep texting from frustration.  The thing is we never discussed the friend time and he had already jumped the gun and accused me of what I might do.  I also thought just maybe he would include some time with me in their somewhere but he never asked for that.  I finally gave him that friend time by asking him to move out for a few months.  We are 6 weeks into what will probably be at least a 12 week separation.  We don't speak to one another because we argue when we do speak and he still insisits that just my anger is the problem.  He has not admitted to disrespect--because I am just jealous, lying because I never believe him anyway, laziness--when he goes to do something I want him to go run errands with me or I don't buy him the supplies he needs to fix things, selfishness-- it's me who is selfish and self absorbtion because I am the one that has only thought of herself for 10 years.  Oh and I am bipolar because after I get mad and yell at him I'm nice again or nice the next day.  If there is such a thing as being bipolar towards one person and no one else I know seeing me as bipolar then I guess I have it.  LOL  My neice is bipolar and my sister says I'm not even close to being like her.   I see this going no where but divorce court.  He has a long list of counseling to do and he is not even admitting to those things. 
 
Replied By: crazyj95350 on Feb 22, 2014, 11:43AM
I have been threw many things in my life but the mental and emotional abuse I have been threw for many years is killing me. I can't figure out y it is I cant just make him go away and stay away. I always seem to believe his stupid lies and promise. I domt even have feelings anymore. How do u break a bad habit like this. I truly need some help with my life. Abuse sucks I need to find freedom and truly b able to live a happy life
 
Replied By: crazyj95350 on Feb 22, 2014, 11:42AM
I have been threw many things in my life but the mental and emotional abuse I have been threw for many years is killing me. I can't figure out y it is I cant just make him go away and stay away. I always seem to believe his stupid lies and promise. I domt even have feelings anymore. How do u break a bad habit like this. I truly need some help with my life. Abuse sucks I need to find freedom and truly b able to live a happy life
 
Replied By: unsureinlove on Feb 21, 2013, 12:54PM - In reply to moonshine13
I feel somewhat the same way, honey.  I'm sorry for your hurt feelings and disrespect.  I have a husband who also turns the communication back to me having all the problems.  He also has had texting issues with old girlfriends and such.  It really is disrespectful to me and I just wanted to say that I'm sorry you are going through this.  Just remember that YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM and don't let him make you feel like you are.   Hang in there. 
 
Replied By: wbpo5l on Sep 3, 2012, 6:52PM
My wifes family left me almost $200k in debt.  I blame them for putting me and my family in a terrible situation financially.  My father in law committed suicide a couple of years ago which prevented me from clearing up any of the debt.  So this is the first issue my wife and I have.

Then, like her father,  she is an alcoholic.  Has been for many years.  She drinks ever night, and it had a major effect on our family and decisions she made.

Now my kids are older and one son has taken just a horrible direction.  He quit school and got married with no job, all because my wife enables this. He is only 18 and he and his 18 year old bride live with us.  In addition, all but one of our kids (they are all 18 or 22) still live with us and I still pay all their bills too and I am drowing in debt.  My son and his wife just stay up all night and sleep all day.  They don't look for jobs.

So I am at the point that while I don't want to lose my family, I cannot live like this any longer.  I am so unhappy and depressed because of this situation.  I cannot live with being taken advantage of for money only and for her enabling my kids to be irresponsible.

I have told her either she and my son need to move out or I will.  Am I a bad parent and husband for not being more tolerant?
 
Replied By: newlife12 on Aug 4, 2012, 10:59PM - In reply to nettie77
It is awfully hard to move on, but you must and will. My husband, ex now, had a secret live of years. My children found it out on the internet and had to tell me in January right after the New Year in 2011. He wanted to have a sex change and had been corresponding to a tansvestite. I was in shock. My world collapsed. I went to counseling. This helped me tremendously and it helped to empower me. I found out he had been seeing a therapist that was a woman and is now a man. I was paying for it without knowing he was convincing my ext to do this change. He was a very mean man and I was just plain stupid and believing of his lies. Your children need to know that they are not the fault. If he could just stay out of their lives it would be easier. My youngest daughter, was 23 at the time. She would not date . I nagged and nagged her. I finally met a wonderful man on line. My daughter saw how happy I am and now she is engaged. I also confinded in friends who I ended up consoling when they found out what was going on they were crying!. I broked down at work after holding all of this in. That was the best thing since now people understand how I may feel sometimes and just have a bad day.  Having a postive male role model in their lives will help, even if a brother, friend, cousin etc. All men are not rats! Go to your family doctor and tell him what is going on. I had to do it on the phone since I was breaking up so much. He was wonderful and so understand when my daughter went to him about not sleeping. Let your children know all men are not like that, and it is enexcusable. It will take time, but you will get through it. One step at a time, make sure you file for support asap. Let people help you. Do not be too proud. FIle for that divorce. Dont let him call the shots. Stay strong. Find a good friend to talk to. Whatever you do don't take him back no matter how tempting. I will be here for  you if you need support. Life will get better. Probably if you think back it wasn't all that good after all.
 
Replied By: newlife12 on Aug 4, 2012, 10:36PM
I had been married for 34 years. After 32 years in January of 2011, my children had to tell me my husband wanted to become a woman and was telling all kinds of lies about me. I did not know this was happening. He had always been out of town for work, but it was now weekly.  They had to show me hundreds and hundreds of emails back and forth to transgenders. I then found pictures of him in womens's clothing, in my house, on my birthday, with my little dog in the photos. I was utterly in shock. My world collapsed. There were even texts about wanting to put muscle relaxers in my cereal. He had been on hormone pills getting from New Zealand for ten years!. Yes, he had some upper body changes, but he kept telling me they were fro the meds he was on from is heart attack scare. I stood by him, taking my vows seriously all the while he belittled me and made my life hell. I did not believe in divorce. I begged for counseling. As he said in his talks, lie lie lie and deny deny deny! I had an abusive mother and I had no role model as my dad was always out of town working. This was the last straw. I am heart broken for my adult kids as to the man I chose to be their Dad. They have nothing to do with him. He had reached out to my son, while bitching me out in a letter. My kids want nothing to do with him. I am so angry that there is all these comments on line about the bitch that I am, because he is covering up to justify what he has done. I just want my story to be told. I want to help others. Even in the Courtroom he was yelling how he was going to give me a black eye! My friends cried when I told them what was happening, and I was the one telling them that it was ok. I will be ok. Now I have to lose my house and my job and move to afford things.  I am finally legally divorced and would love to tell my story. I could write a book of all the years of hell, if I only knew how. I would love to support other women.
 
Replied By: nettie77 on Jul 24, 2012, 4:46PM
hi doctor phil im just in a bad place right now and it might be nice to hear how others got threw the same sort of thing . I meet my husband when i was 14 wre now 35  we had an amazing life then one day after 17 years together he walked out on me and my three children 14, 11, and 2 for an 18 year old girl.never even had the decence to tell us his 14 year old dauhter found it on the internet. he willingly sighed full custody of them to me and changed there names . he threw us away like we never exsisted . when his children contacted him beggin him to leave her and pick them after hed only been seeing her for 6 weeks he told his children hes sorry but he loved her more that was hard for them to take .we are slowly moving on but how do we melt the pain and hurt hes left both my children and mt self.
 
Replied By: dreamingstill on Jul 21, 2012, 12:11AM - In reply to galuwen
Some resources that may be helpful for you, are a book by Karen McAndless-Davis, "When Love Hurts, http://books.google.com/books?id=qBFdlUnxmkkC&printsec=frontcover&dq=when+love+hurts&hl=en&ei=8Mm6TJn_FI-8sAOh7_WUCw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CDEQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false, a book by Lundy Bancroft titled, "Why Does He Do That?" http://books.google.com/books?id=xEZIpu3SVvcC&printsec=frontcover&dq=why+does+he+do+that?%22&source=bl&ots=x5ntBcz5jU&sig=4K6gEGH86cTQB0tl_xQGH2AR9aI&hl=en&src=bmrr&sa=X&ei=cE0KUNXJJYbS2AWH_s3xDw&ved=0CDIQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=why%20does%20he%20do%20that%3F%22&f=false; and a few great Facebook Pages: Northwest Family Life Learning and Counseling Center in Seattle, Focus Ministries and Broken And Beautiful as well as Facebook Support Groups called Broken and Beautiful and Broken But Beautiful.







 
Replied By: dreamingstill on Jul 21, 2012, 12:09AM - In reply to treegirl75
Some resources that may be helpful for you, are a book by Karen McAndless-Davis, "When Love Hurts, http://books.google.com/books?id=qBFdlUnxmkkC&printsec=frontcover&dq=when+love+hurts&hl=en&ei=8Mm6TJn_FI-8sAOh7_WUCw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result&resnum=1&ved=0CDEQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q&f=false, a book by Lundy Bancroft titled, "Why Does He Do That?" http://books.google.com/books?id=xEZIpu3SVvcC&printsec=frontcover&dq=why+does+he+do+that?%22&source=bl&ots=x5ntBcz5jU&sig=4K6gEGH86cTQB0tl_xQGH2AR9aI&hl=en&src=bmrr&sa=X&ei=cE0KUNXJJYbS2AWH_s3xDw&ved=0CDIQ6AEwAA#v=onepage&q=why%20does%20he%20do%20that%3F%22&f=false; and a few great Facebook Pages: Northwest Family Life Learning and Counseling Center in Seattle, Focus Ministries and Broken And Beautiful as well as Facebook Support Groups called Broken and Beautiful and Broken But Beautiful.







 
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