2010 Shows

There is a horrifying reality that’s happening to a woman in the U.S. every 15 seconds. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention labeled it an American epidemic, with one in four women falling victim at some point in their lives. Dr. Phil tackles the devastating subject of abuse. His first guest, Nora, says her husband, Eduardo, is verbally and emotionally abusive. Although the police have been called 10 times, and he’s been arrested for domestic violence, Eduardo claims he’s not an abusive husband. And, Karen says every day she fears she’ll do or say something that will trigger her husband, Dale’s, anger. Dale admits he’s verbally abusive, but says his wife loves to push his buttons. Can Dr. Phil give these men a wake-up call? Do you know the warning signs of an abusive relationship? And would you know how to get to safety? You can’t afford to miss this show!

Find out what happened on the show.
Replied By: rosebud35 on Sep 13, 2010, 6:05AM - In reply to grjaadzack
You are right..he is selfish, not only my opinion. He took a personality test and scored almost 100% in self absorbed. I also think he is also very controlling! I am making changes to protect myself so that I do not get hurt emotionally and I do not have to be controlled. Women need to gain the power they originally had. We all have it but do not always use it. Women make bad choices when we are neglected either physically or mentally. We become desperate for any love or approval from the man in our life and it buts us in a vulnerable position!  Getting support from "healthy" people, talking about it, counseling and time can get you back on track.
Replied By: lanie516 on Sep 10, 2010, 1:10PM
My situation has become much worse. It's everything that was described on the show. My husband has never laid a hand on me physically but the emotional and verbal abuse has gotten so much worse. Like another blogger, I thought watching the taped show with him would give him an idea of what he's doing.  No way.

He will do anything and everything to try and control me:  how long I'm on the computer, how much time I'm on the phone, where I'm going, what am I doing such and such for.  He seems so strong and I am beginning to feel weaker than ever before.  I am no angel, like the women on the show.  I do answer back and I do end up doing what I want to do.  I want so much to end this miserable relationship, but like many others I'm trapped for financial reasons.  I can't even bring myself to call the hotline because he's never physically abused me. It would be his word against mine.  He tortures me emotionally almost every single day.  He's always been a drinker, is a war veteran and all his anger comes out at me.  I know I don't deserve this but I feel so helpless.  Should I call the hotline?  Should I see an attorney?  Should I take more tranquilizers and just sleep and sleep?  I did that once before and I ended up in the hospital ER and sent to a psych clinic for 5 days.  I don't want to go there again.  I'm just so tired of the fighting and hearing all the terrible names he calls me and for what? last night I picked up a phone call and it was someone selling something.  That was really terrible wasn't it?  I was called a stupid bitch for that one.  I'm the one who needs help and I'm the one who has made him this way, according to him. I know this isn't true.  Someone please help me.  I feel so alone.
Replied By: gotracygo on Sep 10, 2010, 7:38AM
I just watched the episode "Crossing the Line?" on my DVR. Based on the lead ins I was so excited thinking that I may FINALLY have a tool to show my husband how he acts.  I'm so dissapointed in 9/8's show.  I walk on egg shells, my husband says I am abusive to him and thats why he rages at me, he walks away all the time.  My story is so much like the second couple.  I, too, am not an angel in the situation.  HOWEVER, what was completely missed is the rest of the story.  To be clear, the bottom line that the pattern must change, and that both bear responsibility is appreciated.

Here is the rest of the story.  On a recent day, I asked my husband why he used so much flour and I suffered his rage for my "personal attack".  While looking at a stick he was carving, he asked me what I thought.  I thought it was nice, and said so, and asked if something about it should be done differently, and again, I had offended him.  I have "caused fights" and "pushed his buttons" by talking too loudly on the phone, taking too long to tell a story, asking for his work schedule, telling him I'm worried about something, and God forbid, try to address a parenting or marriage issue.  Trying to address any issue is almost always a trigger for his anger.  His face tenses and I know "the rage is coming", just like your guest said.  And then he blows up, 30 seconds, 5 minutes, I never know, and then he leaves.  This is not an honorable act.  It could be, if it was executed in love, but it is another power tool.  He leaves in an incredible rage, which is scary (dangerous to drive in a rage) and then I don't know what is going to happen next.  Will he come right back and rage at me again?  Will he never come back?  Will he just go find someone for a couple hours.  I never know, and then when he gets back there is no addressing anything.  If I try to address it, I'm shaking, and he could be nice and sweet and appologize, if I do first, or he could blow again.  This has gone on, to varying degrees, for years.  I have tried EVERY approach to sooth things before the rage, or after.  I don't fight back.  He has never laid a had on me (as an intentional attack).  That poor blond woman looked so alone and confused.  Her husband looked so smug and peaceful at the end of their segment.  He seemed very satisfied with the discussion.  I just can't help but wonder if that woman's eggshells are made of the same stuff as mine.  There's no way I'm showing that show to my husband.  It will only perpetuate the lies he tells himself. 
Replied By: lifesprocess on Sep 10, 2010, 2:21AM
I want to thank you for your show yesterday, "Crossing the Line."  Both my husband & I watched the show and when you provided the 15 questions regarding abuse we were sad to find that our daughter's husband is guilty of at least 12 of those 15 actions. Not only to our daughter, but to our grandson also. Sadly, she just doesn't get it yet! Our entire family is at the point of not speaking to either one of them (her or her husband) because of their stupid actions. In fact, they called the police on us when we were attempting to help our grandson get out of the situation saying they wanted him to be brought home. Neither our local police department nor CPS could help us with allowing him to stay with us so that he would be freed from the verbal abuse he is suffering.
Hopefully, some day soon she'll see what's being done to her and her son. Until then we can only pray that all is calm enough to get them by.
Replied By: chicky8791 on Sep 9, 2010, 11:38PM
I never watched this episdoe, but I got a phonr call from my father telling me I should tune in and watch it.
 I popped on the website today and am completely torn in my predicament. I know the relationship I'm currently in is unhealthy.
 I've been picked up and tossed on the bed, grabbed, been verbally abused, told to do things, then not to do them, then told I do nothing..My friends have left me, in disappointment that after a physical altercation I stayed. Im not happy every day. Our good days are really good. But our bad days are really bad. Emotionally and physically exhausting.
 Admittedly, in our disputes I dont defuse the situation. I know packing up my things will set him off even more but talking doesnt get us anywhere either unless I just succumb and do the "mmhmm", "I was wrong", "I;ll work on that" only for him to say half an hour later that "he was sorry" and I mean the world to him, and he's tired of the arguing...
It's just so hard..I don't want to be that woman who packs her bags while he's at work to get out.
Replied By: albe1964 on Sep 9, 2010, 7:54PM
I am a woman and I am alittle upset about this subject. I feel like the men are being blamed for everything even though it seems as though the women are giving just as much verbal abuse as they are getting. Why aren't they being told that what they are doing is a crime, that what they are doing is not ok? I understand that men need to know this but I think the women need to be told as well. They can't play the victim when they are participating in the abuse as well. I felt bad for the law enforcement officer who was trying to get that point across and was continually told that no matter what she does it doesn't make it ok. She is doing it too so tell her it's not ok.
I have a very personal opinion about abuse and I agree it VERY MUCH NOT OK. If a woman is being abused then, yes, by all means she needs to be protected but don't use a double standard and not give the man the same protection as we do women.
It was very unfair to put these men in this position of feeling like they had to defend themselves when the wives were just as bad.
Replied By: bdhaines on Sep 9, 2010, 7:26PM
This family sounded so much like what my children endured growing up. My husband and I were terrible to each other. Our fights were loud and usually had my husband throwing things or putting his fist through a door.  After the children ( 1 son and 1 daughter) were gone, the fights grew less intense and the violence ended.  My daughter and her husband never fight in front of the children and make sure it stays to discussion.  Our son though, has is in his own abusive relationship.  He refuses to confront his wife at all and she has become the Queen.  She constantly puts him down in front of others.  He has to do the cleaning, the laundry, the cooking, the taking care of their daughter.  She sits.  I have tried to talk with them but she says the reason she puts him down is she has a job (she teaches) and he does not (he is a substitute).  I have been told by counselors that the only way this can be fixed is if he decides that he is willing to confront the issue.  When I talked with them, he refused to stand up.  It is so hard to continue to watch.  I feel he is in an abusive relationship.  When I asked him what his daughter was going to learn by his wife being waited on (he even puts her shoes on for her) and he said "She will learn how a woman should be treated:  I think she will learn how to wait on her mother when she is old enough, just like her Dad does.  Abuse does not always come from the man.
Replied By: mdanni on Sep 9, 2010, 4:44PM
Thank you for this episode. I record these shows and watch them in the evening. I just so happened to start this show last night when my husband came to bed and when I saw what it was about I made sure it started when he got settled. He started off grumbling about having to watch this 'crap' but I didn't budge. He started off rooting for the one husband and questioning 'why won't they say what she did' , ' why is dr phil so hard the guy'....and so on. We both answered the checklist and realized...WOW. It took until the last 15 minutes of the show for him to digest everything. When it was over I got the biggest hug and most sincere apology and he said no more. He even asked if there was a part 2. Thanks for airing this!
Replied By: ladybowlr53 on Sep 9, 2010, 4:42PM
I cried during the entire show as it was so close to home for me.  It has taken me 32 years of marriage to a verbally, mentally, sexual and emotionally abuse husband.  I, like Nora, thought he would change after we were married-then after we had children-then after the children were older.  Always in hopes that something would wake him up to how he was.  It never happened.  I was always walking on eggshells, never knowing what it was that would set him off.  It could be something as simple as him having to move a glass out of his way in the cupboard because what he wanted was behind it.  The glass would go flying.  He felt that I had a role as a wife to bow to his every need-including in the bedroom.  It didn't matter that I had just had surgery, he was going to have sex at all costs-and it did come with very costs to my emotional state.  No was not a word he recognized and if I persisted in saying no, something would be thrown, hit, or doors slammed.  The second time that he did physically hurt me, it was because I said no.  When I showed him the black and blue from the broken bone in my foot, his response was "Well you pissed me off".  My two boys also were victims.  I remember my youngest saying to me (he was about 15 at the time) "Mom, why does Dad do this?"  "You have to change him."  They grew up seeing how their father treated me, and it took a lot of intervention on my part to keep them safe and to teach them that what they were seeing WAS NOT how to treat a women.  I am thankful everyday that they have turned into the wonderful men they are.  Well, I too, never thought that I could be called an "abused wife" because I usually never had the "outward bruises" to show.  I had a bruised soul.  It took 10 years of therapy by a wonderful psychologist  to help me realize that I indeed was.  After 32 years, 2 grown sons, and 2 very supportive friends, I recently filed for divorce.  I turned to my local chapter for Domestic Violence and I cannot say enough to praise them.  Because my husband owns over 15 weapons and has a violent temper, I had to plan with them for over 4 years on how I was going to get out.  They were ready right away, but I wasn't.  It didn't matter-they were there for me whenever I needed them.  They walked through everything from the Protection From Abuse Order to helping me find legal aid.  He claims, like Edurado, that he never abused me because he hasn't thrown me down!  That he has no problem, that I am at fault for what has happened.  I am still in the process, so this is very hard for me to talk about and I still fear how he will react when we go though the divorce process, but I do know that my counselors will always be there for me.  I could not have done anything without the help of the Domestic Violence office and I encourage anyone that even thinks they may be a victim, DO NOT HESITATE to seek their help and please, don't wait 32 years for "him to change"-IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN!!!
Replied By: bfitzsenry on Sep 9, 2010, 1:44PM
As we approach Domestic Violence Awareness Month, S.A.V.E. calls on all Americans to consider the devastating effects of partner violence on our families and children, and work to stop intimate partner aggression in our communities, but further aggression by law enforcement and our court systems is only further adding to the problem. The federal Violence Against Women Act (VAWA) was passed in 1994 to protect women from partner abuse and was reauthorized in 2000 and 2005, but in most cases it has failed its objectives. It has not deterred the increase of physical violence nor has it provided full protection for its citizens. VAWA has not lived up to its promises, and has alienated families and children more than it has helped or protected. VAWA funds billions of taxpayer dollars to combat violence against women, but in practice, its discriminatory policies and practices have ignored Constitutional rights and brought about widespread civil rights violations, including gender discrimination, denial of due process, and disregard for the presumption of innocence -- Fifth and Fourteenth Amendment time-honored protections are blatantly ignored. If the current actions of mandatory arrest and no-drop policies actually reduced the number of true violent offences, we would perhaps have to admit the end might justify the means – but it hasn’t and it doesn’t. Quite the contrary, an overwhelmed system which now has to bear the brunt of false allegations (which have quadrupled since 1994) and trivial and first time offenses involving no physical contact has reduced resources and effectiveness of any remedy and caused true violent offenders to slip through the cracks. We appreciate that this is an intense and personal issue and one which needs to be resolved in earnest, but punishment and incarceration is not the answer; destruction of family is not the answer. We need to reform the way the law is set into motion and offer new methodologies and alternative resolutions to save the family rather than simply punishing ALL offenses as if they were one and the same. We must educate the public to seek counseling and learn how to reduce situations before violence occurs. We must change the mindset and thinking before we can change the result.
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